Different Loving or Perversion? Questions about D&S, B&D and S&M
Q. Elise, since you are a Psychologist, I was wondering. What do you think about S&M? I know that you are into D&S and B&D, but how do you feel about people who actually enjoy giving or receiving pain? Isn't this abnormal and unnatural?
A. Believe it or not, most S&M is played out in the mind and not on the body. Now there are people who practice bizarre lifestyles and who are into inflicting serious pain on others. In my professional opinion, these people are sick and they need help. However, society seems to group a lot of well-grounded people into the same category with these people. That's unfortunate because what most of the world views as S&M is really nothing more than advance D&S.
I encourage dominant women to inflict some pain on their submissive and to expand his threshold for pain. This is a must in the process of allowing the woman's sexual power and dominance to come to the forefront and to help to bring out more of the submissive nature in the male. However, a D/s relationship is about love and caring and thus the dominant female cares about her submissive and she is there to heal the wounds that she inflicts. A true dominant has a slight sadistic nature to her and she enjoys to see men squirm and to be uncomfortable. She does this to force him to surrender areas of himself over to her. Once the male submissive does this, she is then ready to comfort and love him. That is the essence of D&S.
If a person hurts another without a love for that person or the intent to bring healing, then that person is a criminal and needs psychological help. Now as far the person who desires to be hurt goes, again it depends on the circumstances. When a submissive is being dominated and he is losing control over to his superior female, it is a very natural thing for him to desire to be punished and disciplined by her. His mind reverts back to his childhood when the women that he loved the most, namely his mother, aunts, and maybe even an older sister, would punish and discipline him. He knew that these women loved him because they punished and disciplined him.
An adult male still longs for the feeling of his childhood where he would be punished by his mother or female guardian, but then afterwards he would also be hugged and nurtured by the same woman who punished him. Punishment and love go hand and hand. That is what female domination and D&S are all about.
Q. Elise, there are so many different "techniques" that women do to their men to get them to submit to them. I was wondering, where did all of these different techniques originate from? Some of these techniques seem a bit "extreme". Who came up with these techniques?
A. It would be impossible to find out exactly who was the first to try a certain activity or technique and where it originated from. Somewhere along the way, a woman got tired of her egotistical and male chauvinistic husband and she decided that she had enough of him bossing her around. So she probably grabbed him, forced him on the ground and urinated on him, or perhaps she grabbed a belt or a leather strap and she whipped him into submission. Perhaps they were working out in the barn and she had enough of his bitching, so she grabbed him by his balls and forced him to his knees, threw a saddle over his back, and rode him around the barn. Maybe she was a more modern woman and she had a dildo for her own pleasure, and she had enough of her husband's attitude, so she turned the tables on him and she raped him with her dildo. Perhaps, she was doing laundry and she had enough of her husband, so she took the clothespins that were in her hand and she clamped them on his nipples or genitals.
I imagine all of these scenarios and others like them happened at one time between a dominant woman and her husband. The woman was probably so amazed at how submissive her little technique made her husband, that she shared it with other women.
Over time these techniques have been handed down and written about, as these women have passed along "the secrets of their success". The activities that have succeeded in getting a man to submit to a woman have passed the test of time, while the activities that didn't work have long since fell by the way side.
The female domination lifestyle has been around for a long time and I can assure you that there is nothing new under the sun. Dominant women have been beating, pissing on, and humiliating men for generations. I have studied human sexuality in great detail and I can assure you that the activities that some think to be "extreme" (like golden showers, corporal punishment, verbal humiliation, cock and ball torture, dildo play, etc.) are quite "normal" activities in the female domination lifestyle.
We use them because they are effective and they work. Who knows, maybe you or other dominant ladies reading this will come up with some unique and creative techniques of your own that will succeed in getting your man to submit deeper to your authority and female power. If you do, please share them. That way women generations from now will still be practicing them and probably wondering where they came from and who originated them.
Q. Ms Sutton, I enjoy your web site and your Q&A forums. However, I feel that you are hypocritical when it comes to the Master/female submissive relationship. You are quick to tell others all about the wonderful female domination lifestyle and it's many benefits. However, you are also quick to say that the Dominant male/submissive female relationship doesn't sit well with you. One time you even hinted that the Master/ submissive female as well as a Dominant Male/submissive male relationship, bordered on abuse and was based on the submissive being abused as a child. How hypocritical can one get?
The dominant female/submissive male relationship enjoys deep intimacy and love, as you have pointed out correctly. Well, I am here to tell you that a Dominant male/submissive female relationship also is based on trust, commitment, and loyalty and it also enjoys intimacy and love. It is exactly the same as the kind of relationship that you practice and enjoy. There is no difference. A submissive female needs and desires to be dominated by a dominant male.
Another thing, the majority of D&S activity going on in this country is the Master/female submissive "play". Look at the Internet and research D&S. The majority of it will be Male Dominant activity. We who enjoy this type of D&S, don't criticize you and other female dominants. We understand you and know where you are coming from. We are all for you and your lifestyle. I just wish that you would be for us and our lifestyle. After all it is all D&S, isn't it?
A. Ouch. Where should I begin? First, if I offended you or the type of relationship that you enjoy, I apologize. It wasn't my intent to put down the dominant male/submissive female relationship. I use to be an active member in a pansexual organization, and thus I was around a number of people who practiced your lifestyle. I got along very well with these people and I built a few friendships with some of the submissive females who were in relationships with dominant males. They seemed to really enjoy their lifestyle.
However, I am a female supremacist. That is what I am and that is what I believe. As a female supremacist, I do not like to be around nor do I like to see a man dominate a woman. That goes for any man and that goes for any woman. My female domination lifestyle and my female supremacy beliefs go hand and hand. I have studied sexuality and societal roles in great detail. From what I have learned and from my life's experiences, I have come to believe that women are superior to men. All women are superior to all men. That means that your female partner is superior to you, no matter who ties whom up. If she desires to be tied up and spanked, and you do so to her, than I view that as you pleasing your superior woman by doing to her what she desires. You may not see it that way and she might not see it that way, but I have news for both of you. She is still superior to you.
Now that is my beliefs and I am entitled to them. You are entitled to your beliefs and you are free to practice any lifestyle that you choose, as long as it is consensual with your partner. However, you must realize that this is my web site and this is my forum. I am answering questions based on my opinion and my beliefs, not based on yours. Go create your own web site and your own forum. I doubt if you will have as many responses from your web site, because female domination interests far more men than male domination does. Far fewer women are interested in D&S, until they are introduced to this lifestyle by a submissive male.
Men are not as inhibited about their sexuality as are most women. That is why D&S groups have more men that attend their meetings than women. I don't know what group you are a member of, but submissive men are always the largest group represented at a D&S support group, and they are looking for Dominant women. Submissive women are always the smallest group. Submissive men are what drives D&S in our society. Men want to be dominated by women. That is a fact. You may not think that you do, but most men desire and fantasize about being sexually dominated by a woman. How many professional male Doms are there in this country? Try none. No woman would pay to be dominated by a man. Which proves my point that even women with submissive sexual fantasies, are in fact still superior and are still in control.
Men will pay big bucks to be dominated by a woman. Why? Because men know that deep inside that they were meant to submit to women. Women are superior. Even women with submissive fantasies, and that includes your partner.
This is still a male dominant society and men still run most institutions. Men don't like to lose control, even in D&S. However, men are losing control and they will continue to lose control as women are discovering their true natures and their true destinies. In my studies, I had to read a lot about male domination and female submission. I interviewed and talked to male dominant couples. Again, I am not saying that these people are weird or perverted. You totally misunderstood what I said about this.
However, that doesn't change my conclusions and that doesn't change my beliefs. You are entitled to yours, but don't call me a hypocrite. I am very consistent with my beliefs. Also, I don't hint about anything. I am very up front and bold about what I believe. I know that you are out there and I know that your lifestyle exists, but I just don't want to be around dominant males who practice D&S and B&D on women.
Yes, I understand where you are coming from, for I have studied your lifestyle. I don't doubt that you have an intimate relationship with your partner and I don't doubt that it is based on love and trust. I do disagree with you when you said that submissive women desire and need a dominant male. What they desire and need is to be loved. Some just happen to have submissive desires and fantasies. If you are able to fulfill these needs within your partner, than I am happy for both of you.
However, it is my belief and my opinion that your lifestyle is world's apart from the female domination lifestyle. Men are stronger physically, so your lifestyle can never approach mine. I am forcing physically stronger men into submission by using my mind and my sexuality. That is real D&S. D&S exists and is practiced more in the mind than on the body.
I don't care what the majority of D&S books and web sites may say, especially the ones that are written by men. The majority of D&S that is practiced behind closed doors in our society involves the woman dominating the man. That is what men desire and that is what they need. Women are finding this out and they are unleashing their previously dormant dominant nature. Once women learn how to take D&S out of the bedroom and apply it to their everyday lives, than watch out. Then we will dominate society, the Internet, D&S groups, the media, and everything else. It is starting to happen and it will continue, because Women are superior to men.
Q. Ms Sutton, I am a single twenty-six year old man. I have been seeing professional Dominants since I was eighteen. My submissive desires have grown much stronger and I want to go to the ultimate extreme. I want to be castrated by a woman. I have found a Dominant woman who does this and she has agreed to do me whenever I give her the word. She said that she would invite over a few of her friends and that they would make a ceremony out of it. I want to make this ultimate sacrifice to prove to women that I think that they are superior to me. Since you are a Psychologist, do you think I should follow through with this strong desire?
A. My dear young man, what good would you getting castrated possibly do you or any dominant woman? You have a real problem. I don't know who this woman is that has agreed to castrate you but my advice to you is for you to get as far away from her as you possibly can. I recommend that you never call her or see her again.
There are some women out there that actually hate men. I mean really hate men. They may advertise as Dominants as this gives them a chance to abuse and hurt men. It is one thing if the man is a real masochist and the woman is sadistic. These people know how to have very intense scenes but then they come back to the real world. They never engage in any permanently harmful activities. I am not talking about these people. The kind of woman I am talking about wants to injure men because she harbors resentment and hatred toward them. This kind of a woman has real problems and she needs counseling. This is the kind of false domination that you have found.
She would probably love to castrate you. What does she care if it ruins the rest of your life? If you want to really make the ultimate sacrifice to women, than you are going to need your genitals intact. A true Dominant likes to control a man's genitals. She likes to play with them and punish them. She likes to get the man aroused and then deny him pleasure. If you get castrated, you will deny your Dominant all of these pleasures. You will not be much good to her.
What if you meet the Dominant woman of your dreams a year from now? A woman who wants to control you and dominate you. When she finds out that you are castrated, she will have no use for you. You will deny her much pleasure and fun and you will have missed out on a possible great relationship.
So I implore you not to go through with it. Go get some counseling about this desire if you don't think you can resist this temptation. Also, please find yourself another professional Dom. Most Pro Doms are intelligent and well grounded ladies who really care for their clients. Find a woman who will explore your fantasies and desires with you in a safe and sane environment. If you can't find one, then contact one of my associates for a counseling session. These ladies will point you in the right direction.
Q. Elise, I am constantly looking at BDSM web sites for information and training. I like to be educated in the art of BDSM. Once in a while I find web pages (by accident) where they have pictures of bloody subs, or deeply bruised subs. I always think to myself how aweful that is to reach that point. I have a hard limit and do no agree with bruising, or drawing blood. Am I the only Domme who has a real problem with this? Or does most of the BDSM community not condone such treatment of subs? I somehow feel like I am weak because this turns me off.
A. I agree with you 100%. Most of the BDSM community does not condone drawing
blood or causing deep bruises. A skilled Dom learns how to discipline a man so that it feels to him like she is being severe but in fact, she will never break the skin or leave any permanent marks. Whipping a man is a skill that comes with experience. That is why you should always start out light to moderate and build him up to more severe.
Sometimes BDSM support groups do demonstrations on certain activities. You might want to check one out to learn how to do certain things correctly and safely. Other than a live support group, you will learn best through your own play and practice. You could buy a How To book like "S&M 101" by Jay Wiseman.
Most of the extreme pictures on the web are geared toward submissive men. I am not saying that some dominant women do not enjoy being this extreme with their subs but the vast majority of Dominant Females as well as the BDSM community practices safe, sane and consenual play. Men may fantasize about such brutality at the hands of a woman but the truth be known, most men are wimps and they would run if they actually believed that a woman was going to be that severe. But again, a skilled Dom can make discipline feel very severe without doing any real harm or damage to the man she loves.
Q. A friend of mine mentioned that a must read for FemDom couples is the book "Venus in Furs". Apparently it was written over 100 years ago but the author was ahead of his time when it came to Female Domination and male submission. I think a movie was written about the author a couple years ago and I think I saw it. If I am remembering correctly his character was played by Geoffrey Rush and the lead female character was played by Kate Winslet. Does this ring a bell? I believe it was called "Quill".
Do you recommend the book "Venus in Furs"?
A. You are confusing Leopold von Sacher-Masoch with Marquis de Sade. The movie "Quills" was about the life of de Sade, whom the word Sadism is based on. The word masochist comes from the life of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, who is the author of "Venus in Furs".
De Sade wrote sadistic novels and letters, some about the raping, torturing and even the murder of women. He was thrown into prison because the French society thought his works were decadent and dangerous. Leopold von Sacher-Masoch was a talented writer and his works were considered erotic but were never classified as pornographic, even in 1870 Europe. De Sade was classified as being insane whereas Sacher-Masoch was well respected, although his sexual desires were later classified as being perverted.
As a Female Supremacist, I enjoyed reading Sacher-Masoch because he was a submissive male who desired to find his female sadist or female de Sade, if you will. I never cared for the works of Marquis de Sade primarily because I disapprove of female masochism and male sadism. Men are dangerous as sadists due to their aggressive natures and physical strength. But women sadists are different because their natures and self-control keep them from going over the line with their sadistic desires. Women should experiment with mild sadism because it helps to unleash their dominance and helps them to overcome their inhibitions. Men need to be broken and stripped of unhealthy aggressiveness and thus sadism in a man is a No No, in my own opinion.
The book "Venus in Furs" by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch is about a man with strong masochistic and submissive fantasies. He worships the Goddess Venus and he pursues his fantasies and meets a wealthy woman named Wanda, whom he starts a romance with. He tells her of his masochism and his desire to be her slave. She agrees to indulge his fantasy out of her love for him but ends up loving being a sadistic woman and exceeds his wildest expectations. Sound familiar? It is a very common story that has been played out in real life by couples over and over again. The man introduces the wife or girlfriend to his submissive fantasies and desires, the wife indulges the husband or boyfriend purely out of her love for him, but the woman grows to love her newly discovered power and dominant nature and she ends up taking her man deeper into submission to her than he ever dared fantasized about.
In this book, Wanda whips him while wearing furs (at his request). This book was written in 1869 and to the author, fur was that day's leather. It was a common European male's fetish for the same reason leather is today. It was the power clothing of its day. Fur represented male's natural conquest through the hunting and dominating of the animal kingdom. When a woman wore fur and disciplined a man, it represented the female conquering and dominating the male. That is what leather represents today. It is the hide of an animal made into a smooth and sexy material. When a woman is adorned in leather, it sends off psychological and subliminal messages to the submissive male. Fur was the leather of the nineteenth-century, Venus is a Goddess, thus the title "Venus in Furs". If the book were written today it would probably be called, "Goddess in Leather". Yes, I recommend this book. It is relatively short but it is well written. It is erotic but not pornographic.
Not only did Leopold von Sacher-Masoch write books about his desires to be dominated by a woman, but he actually pursued these desires in his real life. His first wife actually changed her name to Wanda, after the female character in "Venus in Furs" and she whipped Leopold while wearing furs. Leopold even signed a contract surrendering his life over to his wife, much like the contract the character Wanda drew up in "Venus in Furs". The real Wanda wrote a book telling about the ups and downs of being Leopold von Sacher-Masoch's wife. The psychologist Richard von Krafft-Ebing coined the word "Masochist" from the sexual desires of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch.
An interesting side note to this subject, some have said that Marquis de Sade is the S in S&M whereas Sacher-Masoch is the M. In other words, S&M is Sadism and Masochism based on the lives and natures of two males. But in reality, S&M was originally coined from Sacher-Masoch's life alone, S for Sacher and M for Masoch. The entire S&M scene was originally based on the life of a man submitting to a woman but somehow over the years the life of Marquis de Sade was given credit for this. Thus this justified men dominating women sexually as a recognized form of alternative sexuality. I must ask, what is alternative about that? Men had been dominating women for centuries.
In reality, S&M started out as an underground group of purely dominant women and submissive men based on the life of Sacher-Masoch. Over the years S&M has changed to become pan-sexual where either a male or a female could be dominant and either a male or a female could be submissive. But S&M originally stood for a sadistic woman and a masochistic male based primarily on Sacher-Masoch's book "Venus in Furs".
Q. Ms Sutton, my husband recently confessed to me his desire to submit to me within our marriage. He also told me about his need to be punished and disciplined by me. I was caught off guard by his confession and was a little upset at first. Later as I gave it some thought, the idea of being in charge of my husband began to appeal to me. I got on the Internet to research about Female Domination and I was disappointed and a little disturbed about much of what I saw. Thankfully, I found your site and a few others that approached this subject in a way that appealed to me. I plan on doing your analysis on him later this week and I hope it will give us the boost we need to get started in our new arrangement.
My question to you has to do with what I saw on some of the other sites. There were a number of references to the word "dark" and the overtones were that D&S and S&M were about exploring the dark side of our natures or to embrace the taboo of evil and decadent behavior. I saw sites entitled dark heart, dark desire, etc. I viewed sites where women were pictured with devil's horns and tails, there were references to vampirism, and there were carton graphics of blood dripping down walls and dark dungeons and castles. I do not want to be associated with a lifestyle that promotes evil or the dark side of human nature. Like I said, your site and a few others were exactly what I was looking for but why the dark overtones and symbolism on some of the S&M sites? I find them freighting and disturbing.
A. I can't speak for all the sites that claim to promote this lifestyle on the Internet. I list under my Links section those sites that I feel closely reflect my philosophy. If anyone finds a site that they feel is compatible with my philosophy, please forward me the URL and I will be glad to add it to my Links section (if I also feel it is compatible). One of the reasons I began my site was because I felt there was a real need out there for an intelligent site that discussed Female Supremacy and Female Domination in a way that was not bizarre or weird. I wanted to create a site where both women and men were comfortable with its contents and presentation. I wanted to have a site where beginners to this lifestyle would feel comfortable and where experienced people in this lifestyle could still learn and grow. My goal was to create a common sense approach to Female Domination and D&S so that people, especially men, would stay rooted in reality as they explored their D&S desires. Based on the feedback I have received, I have achieved my goals and many have been blessed by my site and my approach.
Some of what you saw is probably pure fantasy while other sites reflect a sad reality in our society, namely a fatalistic and negative world viewpoint. Some of the Pro Dom sites show the various fantasy exploration and role-playing that they offer for their clients. It is not uncommon to see a room at a Pro Dom's studio decorated as a medieval dungeon for fantasy role-playing but there is probably another room decorated as a medical examining room for medical scenarios, another room decorated as a Victorian era parlor for domestic discipline or feminization, and so forth.
The majority of dungeon fantasies are harmless and can even be therapeutic for some submissive men. The added thrill that comes from being slightly scared adds to their excitement. It is no different than people who like to dress up as darker characters for Halloween. There is nothing wrong in role-playing at a Halloween type masquerade party as a certain character. That is what some of the Pro Dom studios are trying to accomplish with their portrayal on these sites. It is purely role-playing for fantasy purposes. The Dom's wardrobe and props are meant to add realism to the role-playing. That is why she may dress as a Countess or a Vampire or a Witch or Elvira mistress of the night. It is all designed for a dramatic effect for her paying client who has expressed an interest in this sort of escapism fantasy. Again, it is only one of the many fantasies that some Pro Doms offer. These women may not even be lifestyle Doms but are simply offering fantasy role-playing for a fee.
The other sites you probably came across that have a dark and perhaps a disturbing theme reflect a sad reality about our current culture. There is a growing trend of people who are attracted to and fascinated by death and dark images primarily due to a lack of hope or positive re-enforcement in their lives. This is especially true among young people and it is indeed a disturbing trend in our society. I sometimes patronize a local mall and I will observe how young people are dressed and how they carry themselves.
The dark tee shirts with images that portray death, the dark jeans, the dark lipstick on the girls, the hair dyed dark and cut in a purposely unattractive style, the various piercing on the face, all of this outward expression portrays the inner hopelessness, despair and lack of self-esteem that these young people carry on the inside. This dark and negative expression has become its own subculture. It carries over into their music, their social circles, and even into their sexuality. S&M to them represents a sexuality without love. To these poor souls, life is dark with little hope for the future. They have a fatalism mentality and that is reflected in their dress, music, and self-expression. Some will outgrow this, while others will not without the help of others.
In an earlier post, I explained the roots of S&M and how it was based on the life of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch and his book "Venus in Furs". This book at its core is a love story. S&M stood for Sacher-Masoch and it was an underground alternative lifestyle based on sadistic female domination and masochistic male submission based on the book "Venus in Furs". If one would read the words of Sacher Masoch one would see his worshipful attitude and longing to be dominated by a woman. He beautifully paints in words his feelings and desires to worship and serve a woman. Unfortunately, over the years S&M has come to mean Sadomasochism and it represented an abusive and unloving sexuality. Today's modern S&M community has tried to once again emphasize that they only endorse and practice S&M within a loving and caring relationship. Many people in the scene have rejected the label S&M altogether and instead embraced the letters D&S to represent their real lifestyle of Domination and submission within a committed and loving relationship.
The dark, gothic subculture has embraced the perverted symbolism of S&M as an unloving sexuality that fits within their fatalism philosophy and world viewpoint. That is why you will find web sites that cater to the dark imagery when discussing S&M. I believe it is a minority viewpoint within the BDSM communities but it as a very visible and very real viewpoint nonetheless.
Fortunately, the vast majority of the FemDom community and FemDom lifestyle embraces and reflects positive, loving and caring relationships. Sites like my own, Lady Misato, WHAP, the Alice Kerr Sutherland Society, and similar sites paint a much truer picture of the reality of FemDom in our society. It is primarily practiced behind closed doors by scores of committed and loving couples. These couples are everyday people just like you and I who have a positive outlook on life and who are great assets to their community and society as a whole. Most people who are members of D&S and BDSM support groups are very mainstream people. Most are very upward mobile individuals who have successful careers.
So try not to group all people under one umbrella, even if they use similar terminology to describe their lifestyle. That is the problem with Internet search engines. They are limited by the language and the terminology that the creators of web sites employ. The same goes for any topic, subject or lifestyle. Female Domination is a big umbrella that the subjects of Female Supremacy, Matriarchy, S&M, B&D and D&S all come under. Not to mention that the majority of Porn sites use Female Domination in their key words to gain hits from the search engines. As with any subject on the Internet, you have to take the time to weed through the junk in order to find a few gems. Once you find those gems, bookmark them and disregard the junk.
A final word on those young people who embrace a fatalism outlook on life. It is the responsibility of all of us to reach out to young people and to offer them love and hope for the future. One can dwell on the negatives in life and in the world, but to do so would be depressing. However, life and the world also has much beauty and much to be optimistic about. Hope is a powerful force and it is important for adults to instill hope into their children. We should always encourage and allow young people free expression but we also must be aware of the message that they are expressing. Some young people express themselves in a certain manner purely out of peer pressure and in order to gain the acceptance of others. However, there are those young people who express themselves in a certain way in order to send out signals of despair and we need to be eager to answer their calls for help. There is a dark side to human nature but there is also a beautiful and lovely side to human nature. It is up to all of us to show forth light by being kind and loving to those people around us that are hurting.
Q. Thank you for your wonderful site, it is without peer. I have been a staunch fan of you since I came across your website some few years ago. You talk a lot of sense and obviously know your stuff. Your husband is an incredibly lucky man.
Since my very earliest memory I have implicitly believed that women are superior to men. Despite being moderately successful in life and managing both men and women I still fervently believe that women should be worshipped. I have often fantasized about being subjugated by one and have occasionally been treated in this way, the distinct memories of which remain with me still.
Recently I have entered into a relationship with a woman who, whilst being clever and successful in her own right, subtly shows all the apparent hallmarks of the classic submissive. She has, by various quite clever ruses, persuaded me to purchase a leather studded dog collar for her, a lead and a bondage device to tie her hands and connect them to her collar via a ring. In the last few days I have, because of her repeated insinuations, bought a cane and have taken to beating her whilst she is tied up and helpless. All of which pleases her very much. She is a very happy lady.
My point is this. After all of those years that I believed that I was a submissive, and I still know that I am, I now find that I am having to act as a dominant to a lady, who my first instinct as a submissive tells me to worship. She is apparently delighted with the current arrangement and cannot get enough of my acting the dominant if her demands are anything to go by. Although it would appear that I am behaving as the dominant, I am still at heart a submissive and am merely acting as she wants irrespective of my own wants. I am having to repress my earlier perceived way of behaving towards a superior female and adopt a completely different mind-set. Is this not just worship of a female by a slightly different route and another form of female domination?
A. Whenever a man denies his wants and desires and submits to the wants and desires of the female, it is an act of male submission. In an earlier question on my forum I explained this exact thing to a male Dom who accused me of being hypocritical by not equating the male dom/female sub relationship with the Female Dom/male sub relationship. I explained to him that all women are superior and that he was submitting to his female sub by engaging in acts that she enjoyed. I pointed out to him that his girlfriend was still superior to him, no matter who tied whom up. Therefore, if your attitude is toward the pleasure and the fulfilment of your girlfriend, I would classify your relationship as a male submissive who worships his girlfriend. However, I would not classify it as a female domination relationship because of her attitude of the situation.
I applaud you for having a worshipful attitude toward your girlfriend and for denying your needs in preferring her needs. However, if you truly want to submit to her and if you want for the both of you to experience the intense power of a true power exchange, you will eventually have to switch roles. Some of the most dominant women that openly practice this lifestyle started out as the submissive. The reason for this is because their self-image would not allow them to view themselves as dominant or allow them to enjoy being dominant. Some women are drawn to D&S for reasons they totally do not understand but once within the lifestyle, they can only see themselves as the submissive. There are psychological reasons for this such as a longing for a strong father figure or the overwhelming feeling of being thrust into a stressful career that deep inside they resent. However, many of these women will eventually give being the dominant a try and once their dominant nature is released and practiced, there is no turning them back. They usually go on to become very powerful and skilled Dominant women.
Your challenge is to seduce and draw out your girlfriend's dominant nature while you are yielding to her current desires. My advice would be to start encouraging her to be a switch with you. You dominate her one time and then suggest that she take a turn in using the cane on you the next time. Encourage her to experience with her dominant side as the two of you rotate between being on the giving and the receiving end of the cane and other D&S activities. You will be walking a fine line here because as a submissive male, you must always obey her wishes but you still need to gently encourage her to explore the other side of her personality.
If she is like a lot of women, she will eventually discover that she enjoys being in charge. Allow her to make the decisions outside of your D&S play and allow her to experience the power that comes from being in charge. Given her submissive desires at this time, she may or may not take to it right away but eventually her previously dormant dominant nature will break forth and she will gladly take charge. Down the road, you should notice that she enjoys being the giver during the D&S play better than the receiver and she will want to be the Dom more and more often. When this happens, you should encourage her to be the full time Dom, as being a switch should always be a temporary thing until both people come into their true roles and natures.
It is probably difficult for you to see this occurring at this time because you are use to seeing her wearing a dog collar and submitting to you within the D&S relationship. But I know what I am talking about here for I have seen it happen to other women. Watch out because once she unleashes that Tigress within, she will be a powerful Dom because she will be able to draw from her experiences as being a submissive and use that knowledge to better dominate you and other men.
In conclusion, I agree with your observation that a man is submitting to a woman when he takes on the dominant role during D&S play if this is what the woman desires. Submission is an attitude and a condition of the heart. But the power of D&S is a force of two opposing natures feeding off of each other. Thus, somewhere down the line the energy will break down and the play will lose it's excitement if both partners are releasing submissive energy. She does not realize it right now but as the woman, she contains the real dominant energy that currently lies dormant within her. Once she explores her dominant side and releases that energy, then you can truly worship her in all her feminine glory as you bend your knees and your will to her. Then you will experience that true power exchange and you will be involved in a true female domination relationship.
Q. Dear Elise Sutton, We are a Danish couple and we thoroughly enjoy your website. Your website is a haven! It is such a safe and sane forum to present matters that are else where considered idiotic.
We are actually quite much into BDSM, but as switches (she enjoys being dominated as well, with me in leather with the whip in my hand), and that, I believe, is ok. To me, the most important factor is to make HER life a true haven. To do everything I can to fulfil her every need.
I am not a natural dominant, but I believe in doing it for my wife, if she needs it. Actually, I believe in doing everything I can to make her life (sexually and otherwise) as fabulous as possible. So is switching ok by you? Is it ok that she enjoys being the submissive some times, and enjoys dominating me other times?
A. Absolutely, as long as you view what you are doing as pleasing your Queen. Some women do have submissive fantasies. I would rather that a woman explore her submissive desires with another woman but I have no problem with occasional switching in the bedroom as long as the male has the attitude that the woman is still in charge. Your attitude is the key and if it is just role-playing in the bedroom and it stays in the bedroom, then it is just you serving your Queen sexually how she likes to be served. There is nothing wrong with role-playing or fantasy exploration between two consenting adults.
Nevertheless, the problem with regular switching is that it will hinder your growth as a submissive male and it will hinder her growth as a dominant woman. If you begin to dominate her often in the bedroom, eventually it will manifest itself outside of the bedroom. That is why I would rather see a woman explore any submissive desires with another woman so she can remain dominant with her submissive man.
If your interest in BDSM is merely for entertainment and sexual excitement, then switching can be a great way to spice up your sex lives. However, if you really want to explore the Female Domination lifestyle and experience real and substantial growth, then it is best if your wife take the dominant role inside and outside of the bedroom. That is not to say that you cannot occasionally switch and role-play to explore her fantasies. But it is obvious from your question that you desire to please your Queen and you enjoy being in submission to her. Switching is a great way to experiment with D&S but eventually she needs to take the permanent Dominant role if you want a real FemDom relationship. The psychological benefits and mental fulfillment occurs when it goes from play and moves over into being real. That is when D&S becomes powerful. How will it ever be real if she is Dominant one day and you are dominant the next?
Q. First I want to tell you that I love your website and hope that society quickly moves in a direction where men are expected to adore and worship women rather than penalizing men who believe in this philosophy.
I would like to know what your analysis and explanation would be for women who are completely submissive to a man in a D/s relationship, or even more perplexing (to me), women who are fully submissive to another woman. Also, would you share how you feel about such relationships? Do you find them disconcerting or just how certain people want to live?
A. I have addressed this subject in a couple of past entries so I will try to limit the scope of my response. D&S is a pansexual lifestyle and FemDom is just one flavor of the many flavors of D&S. One only needs to attend a BDSM function to see that all lifestyles are represented, including women being submissive to men. I will defend the freedoms and the rights of these groups but as a Female Supremacist, I choose not to participate in an organization where men sexually dominate women. I have a real problem watching a man dominate a woman because of how men have mistreated women for centuries.
I am glad that BDSM groups are out there because they do an excellent job in educating people on how to engage in D&S activities in a safe and sane manner. I discovered Female Domination through a BDSM group and lots of other FemDom couples began their FemDom lifestyle in a similar fashion. Most people evolve in their beliefs so it is unfair to judge an organization or a lifestyle just because you personally have grown to a place in your life that is no longer compatible with what other people are doing. A lot of dominant women began as submissive women within a male dom/female sub relationship. That is true within D&S and that is also true in vanilla relationships. Most women begin their life as subs because society has programmed women to be subs. It can be difficult for some women to see themselves in any other role but that of a sub.
The Female Domination lifestyle is different than any other expression within the D&S community because we live in a male dominant world that is evolving toward female rule. Men dominating women is not an alternative lifestyle because it has been the norm for centuries and millenniums. I hate to be around a vanilla couple where the male bosses around his wife and I hate to be around a D&S couple where the male whips the female. I believe it is unnatural and it further adds to the low self-esteem of women who have been brainwashed by the patriarchy.
Women are beginning to see themselves as they were created to be. Women are beginning to rise up and are expressing their dominance. D&S and Female Domination can provide a woman with an avenue where she can release her dominant nature and free her dominant nature without being a societal outcast. Female Domination can help boost a woman's self-image, which many women desperately need. Female Domination can be a great confidence builder for a woman and can cause her to prosper in her career, her social life and in her personal life.
The Female Domination lifestyle stands in sharp contrast to all other expressions of D&S because men are physically stronger (in most cases). It is one thing to see a big man whipping a smaller woman, but it is a totally different situation to see that big man on his knees, humbling himself to the smaller woman. Female Domination is about mental domination as the woman uses her mind to dominate the mind of the male and she uses her sexuality to render the stronger male helpless. These dynamics are absent from a male dom/female sub relationship.
The Female Domination lifestyle goes against the Darwinian laws of nature, which say that the physically strong dominates the physically weak. Just as a human male proves his superiority over the larger Lion or Elephant by subduing it with his intellect, in Female Domination the female proves her superiority over the larger male by subduing him with her intellect and sexual power. Can you see how unique Female Domination is when compared to the other D&S lifestyles?
Once a woman experiences the sexual, mental and spiritual dynamics of Female Domination, it is difficult to watch a woman being dominated by a man, even if it is just role-playing. Again, I will defend the rights of these couples to enjoy their lifestyle and I wish them nothing but the very best as they explore each other's sexuality in detail. I think sexual exploration will build intimacy and intimacy will keep relationships healthy. So I am all for couples role-playing and exploring each other's sexuality, regardless of the flavor. Nevertheless, I am a Female Supremacist and thus I am all about advancing the cause of Female Domination as I encourage women to unleash their dominant power and to tap into their potential.
I would much rather see a woman who has submissive fantasies and desires explore those desires with a dominant woman. That way she can still view her gender as being dominant and this will build up her self-image even as she is submitting to a woman. Sexuality does not have to be part of the D&S so a woman does not have to be a lesbian to engage in D&S with a woman. I honestly believe it is a much healthier environment for a woman if she role-plays being submissive to a woman rather than role-playing being submissive to a man. Women need to overcome that feeling of inferiority to the male gender so if a woman enjoys D&S but is still not comfortable in the dominant role, she may want to explore her desires with a dominant woman. That way she will be seeing a woman in a position of authority and eventually, she will see herself as being capable of that same kind of authority.
Q. Dear Elise, This is not like most of the questions on your web site but I hope you will offer me what help you are able. My friend Melissa showed me your web site, specifically because you say that if a woman feels submissive inclinations that it is best that she seek out a woman with whom she can act out these desires. That's what Melissa has asked me to do.
I'd already picked up hints that Melissa and her husband were not completely typical in their lifestyle, but I have to admit amazement at what she finally told me. But as I mentioned above, my main problem is what she's asking of me. I've now read enough of your site to understand some of your reasoning but I still can't help but think that if she has these needs, maybe she should just act the "switch" with her husband, or she should simply give him explicit orders to act out a scene where he gives her a spanking or something.
I asked her why me, and she claims I have the look and personality that suggests the type of dominant woman she needs. And she said there was no one else she trusts enough to ask. She seems certain I could do it and thinks it all would be perfect.
I've certainly realized that if I go through with it, I'd need to insist she relinquish all control, letting me set the boundaries and decide how far things would go. I've pointed out to her that if it went badly our friendship could suffer.
As nearly as I can understand, as she's explained it to me, she'd like us to have something akin to a weekly session with a therapist, with me acting the role of the therapist, with the difference that during the session, I'd invariably give her a spanking. And outside of that time, she wants me to make all the decisions regarding whatever we do together and she wants me to give her orders and even punishment whenever I feel inclined. She's constantly pointing out to me that these relationships need not include any nudity or sex. Occasionally, rather than "these relationships, "she puts it "our relationship need not include any nudity or sex," which gives me the sense that she'd be open to that sort of thing if I were.
I guess I have two questions for you. First of all, since you brought up this sort of thing, can you share with us something about how two heterosexual or even married women would carry out such a relationship? I would guess that you have talked to women who have chosen this course. My second question is, from what I've explained, what would you advise me to do?
A. First, I hope you recognize what a compliment this woman has paid you by making this most unusual request. She is seeking someone she can trust, someone whom she can be vulnerable with and someone who will place her best interests above their own. By approaching you about this arrangement, she is telling you that she feels that you have the integrity and character to be entrusted with such a responsibility.
Since she dominates her husband (and it is no doubt a lifestyle for them) she cannot take on the role of occasional submissive to him as that will take away from the power dynamic that makes their marriage so exciting and fulfilling. Being a "switch" is Ok in the beginning of a D&S relationship as both partners are still experimenting with their sexuality and natures. But once a couple has settled into their proper roles (the woman being dominant and the male being submissive), switching will only negatively impact the potential growth and the level of fulfillment. He needs to be dominated and she needs to dominate him. That is what fulfills them sexually, emotionally and socially.
It doesn't sound like Melissa is interested in playing D&S games. She is serious about this lifestyle and she probably sees the wonderful changes it has had on her husband. Obviously, Melissa has submissive fantasies and desires and she wants someone whom she can be accountable to much as her husband is accountable to her. This may only be for a brief season as she (perhaps for the first time in her life) is now responsible for making decisions in a relationship. She may be having difficulty adapting to this power so she feels she needs another woman in her life that she can submit to in order for her to feel more at ease being dominant with her husband. I am sure she loves being dominant but she wants an outlet where she can be vulnerable. Most dominant women thrive being in control and love being the decision maker. But some women are so accustomed to being submissive (and have been their entire lives) that they still desire an outlet where they can be submissive. Melissa has obviously grown to the place where she no longer wants to be vulnerable to a man. That is a positive development in her life as she now sees her gender in the manner that her gender exists in reality.
So that brings us back to you. Melissa wants to be accountable and vulnerable to a woman and she has taken a great risk by opening her soul to you. The question you have to answer honestly is, are you willing and capable of taking on this role? You can't fake this or play games here. Melissa sees something in you that you may not see in yourself. She sees a take charge woman who is strong. Melissa wants to express her submissive side to this strong woman. The question is, are you open minded enough to give this a serious try? Only you can answer that question.
I think at the very least, you should be open to a weekly counseling session where Melissa can feel free to tell you anything with the total assurance that what she tells you will never leave the room. Melissa can draw from your strength and be accountable to you. You will have to decide about the discipline. In order for there to be true accountability, there must be consequences. Melissa sees first hand how her discipline sessions with her husband makes him accountable to her and thus a better man. She is seeking that with you. What that discipline is must be negotiated between the two of you as you stay true to your conscience. If you feel uncomfortable with an activity, then you need to be honest with Melissa.
I know of women who are dominant with their husbands but submit themselves to other women. I have known women who were dominant with their husbands but submitted themselves to another man. That arrangement has not worked because it ultimately affects the woman's ability to dominate her husband. If it is just D&S play or role-playing games, yes a woman can submit to a man for D&S play. But if it is a lifestyle, the entire power dynamic of female domination is negatively impacted and it greatly stunts the woman's growth as a dominant. Twenty years ago, I would not have said that but I have seen enough that I honestly believe that if a woman who dominates her husband wants to submit to someone as part of her D&S lifestyle, it should be with another woman.
I know of women who are very dominant with men but who submit themselves to a woman for accountability and submissive fulfillment. It seems to work very well in most cases. Not all cases as personalities and psychological make-ups play a major factor in the compatibility of a woman Dom and a woman sub, but most of the time, it works very well.
Most of the time, it is between two heterosexual women although bi-sexuality does enter into some of these relationships. Again, that is up to the individuals involved and both parties must stay true to their conscience as to what is acceptable for them. Most of the time, it is one woman disciplining and dominating another woman in a purely D&S relationship. Sex can and does enter into some of these relationships but it does not have to. Women are sexual beings and erotic creations so the desire for some kind of sexual contact very well could enter into the equation over time. Again, you need to be open-minded as you pursue this with Melissa but you must also stay true to the voice of your conscience, as that is the voice of your spirit. I wish all of you success and fulfillment.
Q. In the Q&A Forum-October 2003, a reader asked you about what you thought when a woman submits to a man or to another woman and your reply was basically that the maledom/femsub D/s relationship is "unnatural" and adds to poor self esteem for the female. Why would this be? You also stated that you have a problem seeing a man dominating a woman because of how men have treated women for centuries. Would we be implying then that domination is a form of mistreatment"?
I've attended a couple of those BDSM related activities called "munches" and the number of maledom/femsub couples is overwhelming. They all seemed to be happy, well balanced individuals. One maledom couple in particular just blew me away with the love that radiated between them. She just absolutely loves her role as her master's slave. From what I learned about their lifestyle, I don't think he whips her or anything like that. On the contrary, it seems like theirs is a soft, sensual D/s relationship.
I believe people will choose the sexual orientation that they feel is best for them regardless of social programming. What do you think?
A. I also personally know male dom/female sub couples that have great relationships which are based on love and mutual respect. Likewise, I know plenty of vanilla couples who have wonderful marriages and relationships. People do fall in love and people do have fantastic relationships, no matter what kind of lifestyle they choose to live. The ingredients that are necessary in making a successful relationship are the same, regardless of the lifestyle. That is why I have repeatedly stated that it is important to build that solid relationship foundation which is comprised of friendship, trust, love and respect. The D&S is merely the cement that solidifies the foundation. If the foundation is faulty, the relationship will not succeed, no matter what the lifestyle may be.
You will find successful and happy couples within every religion, racial, political affiliation, occupation, geographical location, and lifestyle. You will also find failed relationships across these same groupings. Each couple is unique and their compatibility and the strength of their relationship will depend on them and them alone. So you will find plenty of happy male dom/female sub couples who have chosen that particular lifestyle. Likewise, you will find some abusive male dom/female sub relationships that are not based on love and mutual respect. The same can be said for FemDom relationships, although the dynamics are much different and that is where I draw the clear distinctions.
I have written about this is some detail so you might want to go back and re-read some of my previous posts in the BDSM section of my Q&A forum. I will try to clarify my opinion (and I stress that it is merely my opinion based on my own personal experiences and observations) on this subject.
Men and women do not enter into a D&S relationship on the same footing. Because we live in a patriarchal world where men run governments, religious institutions, the business world, and etc, and because women have been programmed by society for centuries and millenniums that the male gender is the superior gender and thus should be in charge, it is not so easy for a woman to view herself as being capable of dominating a man. It is relatively easy for a man to see himself as being dominant over a woman because he has witnessed this his entire life across all societal institutions.
Yet, there is this desire within the male to be dominated by the so-called weaker sex. It flies against everything he has been taught but still deep inside, he wants and craves to be in submission to the female. In addition, the male is physically stronger (in most cases) than the female and naturally more aggressive. Men are more inclined to harbor sadistic tendencies. Anyone who is around young children can witness the differences in the sexes from a physical and behavioral standpoint. Yet, within the male is the psychological, emotional and social desire to be dominated by the female. This is a most fascinating psychological occurrence.
The male dom/female sub relationship (while definitely satisfying for many people) cannot and should not be compared to the female dom/male sub relationship because there is a true power exchange that occurs in the FemDom relationship that is absent from the male dom relationship. Men have dominated women since the fall of mankind. But within FemDom and more importantly within society, there is a power exchange occurring within the female/male relationship as women are discovering their sexual power and their dominant natures. Women are utilizing their sexual power and are getting physically stronger males (who were raised within a patriarchal world) to surrender that power over to the female. Women dominate men with their minds and their sexuality and women discover their own aggressive and sadistic tendencies by becoming physical with men through D&S. The power exchange and the spiritual and sociological implications of that power exchange is unique to the FemDom relationship.
A woman being submissive to a man lacks all of these vital components. Women have been in the submissive role for so long that the male dom/female sub relationship cannot exist on the many levels that a Female Dom/male sub relationship exists. Again, you have to look at the entire picture to gain this understanding. I examine FemDom not merely as an extension of the BDSM community. I look at FemDom in comparison to what is happening all across society and within all societal institutions. The patriarchy is ending and women are being empowered. What is happening in society coincides to the ever-growing male desire to be in submission to women and the ever-growing female desire to dominate men. It goes far beyond BDSM. People who are active in BDSM sometimes miss the significance of what they are truly involved in because they are so focused on the pansexual mantra that they sing. This is understandable because there is strength in numbers and there are many enemies to the free expression of sexuality. However, I believe that many people in the BDSM community never fully understand the differences between FemDom and MaleDom.
I was once very active in the BDSM community and to a lesser extent, I still am. But my growth took me more into female supremacy and into the incredible truths of FemDom. Eventually, there was a parting of the ways and I could not be around men who openly dominated women. As a woman who was bound by the patriarchy but who has been liberated by FemDom, it makes no sense to hold to the past. What I was trying to convey in last month's post is that as a woman begins to overcome societal programming based on a patriarchal viewpoint and as she begins to experiment with her dominant nature, interacting with men who dominate women within a BDSM group can negatively impact her growth as a dominant woman on a psychological level. True, she may gain knowledge and develop her skill level as it relates to certain D&S activities but from a personal growth standpoint, the blossoming dominant woman will probably feel uncomfortable in such a group and that is why you see more male dom/female sub members at these functions.
Female Doms and male sub couples are beginning to join exclusive FemDom groups where they can associate with like-minded couples who share their interest in FemDom and Female Supremacy. BDSM groups at one time were a safe haven for FemDom couples but many FemDom couples have expressed to me their discomfort being around male doms. The number of couples practicing FemDom is skyrocketing but you probably will not realize this at your local BDSM group, as many of the FemDom couples prefer to either join a FemDom group or limit their contact with others to just a few people who share their interests.
Nevertheless, I am all in favor of women being active in BDSM groups because I believe that many of these women will one day come into their dominance and their experiences as subs will make them even better Doms. I know lots of women who began as a sub within a D&S relationship only to later become very powerful Doms. A person sometimes only sees the world from where they sit. A woman may be very content being a sub to a man for that is the only world that she knows. But one day, a new world may open to her and she will obtain new horizons within her own growth and she will have a revelation of her potential and the potential of her gender. When this happens, she may begin to desire to experiment with her dominant nature and D&S will afford her that opportunity.