Q&A Forum - August 2009 (The best of Elise series)
Q. I can't get over what has happened to my wife and my marriage since we discovered your site. My wife struggled with a low self-image. She has always struggled with her self-esteem and being overweight and losing the job that she loved two years ago didn't help. She had a domineering father and her first husband was abusive. Needless to say, her opinion of men was not the best and they intimidated her.
I guess you could call me a typical male with the exception that I have always respected women. But I am lazy and can be self-centered. I expected my wife to do all the housework and I viewed myself as the head of our marriage. Yet I have also had submissive fantasies my entire life. FemDom has interested me since I was a teenager but my personality seemed to be a contradiction because I can be bossy and hardheaded.
I found your site and it was like a cork was removed from my submissive nature. It became very strong and all I could think about was being dominated by a woman. I visited a Pro Dom and she was great and she encouraged me to heed your advice about introducing this lifestyle to my wife. Between her advice and your advice, I began to serve my wife and finally garnered enough courage to confess to her my desire to submit to her.
She was turned off at first and she could not envision herself being in charge. She was cold to the idea but she never flipped out and she stayed open-minded. I showed her your site and she agreed to read it. What followed was a miracle in her life. She became excited about the concept of female supremacy. Her self-image was boosted and she began to see herself as the superior woman that she is. She performed your psychoanalysis on me and showed an interest in exploring D&S.
Our sex life was never that great and it was totally vanilla. My wife will admit that she was sexually inhibited but your site and your procedures opened her up and for the first time in her life she was sexually uninhibited. She became a tigress in the bedroom and our sex life went off the charts. She loved being dominant and she began to assign me chores around the house.
She went on a diet, joined a gym and she looks incredible. Her self-image has done a complete 180. She got a new job a few months ago and she is making more than I am. She keeps taking more control over our marriage and I now do most of the chores and the cooking. I don't necessarily like domestic service but I love seeing her this powerful and aggressive and I find that I can't resist her. Our marriage and our sex life have never been better. We owe it all to you and your site.
The only problem I am having is two areas that she has suggested she wants to explore. She wants to get me a chastity device and work me toward long-term male chastity and she has also said that she might want to date in the future. She doesn't know if it will ever lead to cuckolding because she is not comfortable with that concept yet but the idea of flirting and dating other men does interest her. I think she is enjoying the attention men are giving her at work and at the gym. Her looks and her attitude make her very attractive and I enjoy the fact that other men are finding my wife to be hot. She has never experienced this kind of popularity and it has done wonders for her self-esteem.
I am open to the idea of her exploring her liberation but male chastity and cuckolding frighten me. I am not ready yet to surrender to that point. Maybe it is male pride but I love her and want her all for myself. I know that sounds selfish but I love where we are at now in our relationship and don't want to risk losing it. Should I be worried or should I do as you have suggested to other men and trust her? Surrendering sounds easy but when it is in unchartered waters it is not so easy to do.
A. Thank you for the kind words about my site but your wife deserves all the credit for her metamorphosis. I provided words of hope and encouragement to her but she was the one who had to make that quality decision to change. It is never easy to change but your wife did it and now she is enjoying the fruits of that change.
You also deserve the credit because you were able to show her the benefits of this lifestyle through your servitude. You seduced her dominant nature by serving her prior to showing her my site. That laid the foundation and when she read my words, she had a revelation of the possibilities for her as a woman. This gave her hope and that hope boosted her confidence. She saw the potential and she embraced that potential. The D&S improved your sex life but more importantly it unleashed her dominant nature and she began to blossom into the woman she was always meant to be.
Just as a low self-image is not made in a day but is the product of years of negative thoughts and events, a healthy self-image is also the result of a lifestyle of positive thoughts and events. The physical will always follow the mental so a person must believe that good things will happen before they will. Attitude is the key and female domination changed your wife's attitude and she began to believe that she could achieve great things with her life. She joined the gym and lost weight because she believed that she was worthy to be beautiful. She first saw herself as beautiful in her mind as she saw the beauty of her gender and this new attitude eventually manifested itself in the natural as she was now motivated to lose weight and to get in shape. That is the power of female domination.
Your fears are the result of you being self-centered. You even said that you have a problem with this. You are assuming the worst will happen, that she will meet another man and leave you for him. Never forget, that can happen outside of a FemDom marriage and that was possible prior to her embracing this lifestyle. In fact, I would say it was more possible as a woman with a poor self-image is more open to a destructive affair and is a more likely candidate to seek fulfillment from another man. When you are miserable, you are more likely to seek an escape.
It sounds like she wants to experiment more with her dominance and expand her horizons as she expands your limits. She is feeling liberated and sexy and this causes her to want to exert more dominance over you. She doesn't want to push you out of the picture but wants you deeper into the picture by taking you deeper into submission. She knows you better than you know yourself and she can see that you still have male pride and that you are trying to maintain control. She wants to break you of this and take you deeper into submission to her. It does boil down to you letting go and trusting her. Has she ever misused that trust in the past? She may want to take your marriage to new places but that does not mean that she wants to harm you or her marriage. She sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders and male submission is about trusting your wife with authority.
You certainly are within your rights to express your concerns to her. Tell her that you are not ready to explore cuckolding. Communicate your thoughts and then yield to her authority. Trust her that she will take your concerns and your needs into consideration. Allow her to experiment with male chastity with you and communicate with her your thoughts and emotions as you go through this process. She needs that feedback. Don't complain but give her genuine feedback. Then surrender to her decisions and allow your submissive nature to take you to new heights. Give her the freedom to blossom into that beautiful and dominant woman and yield to her dominance. Don't fight her but surrender and you just might experience an intimacy with her that is even more powerful than what you are experiencing now. You love where you are at now but two years ago you didn't know this kind of intimacy was possible. Perhaps two years from now you will look back and be amazed at how much you both have grown from this place.
Like I said, change is never easy. Your wife had the courage to change so now you must muster that same kind of courage. You do not enjoy doing domestic chores but you do them nonetheless because you like that submissive fulfillment you get when you yield to your wife's dominance. The same will occur in these new areas. It will not always be easy when she chooses a path for your relationship that is not the path you would have chosen, but if you will yield to her and submit to her, you will experience that submissive fulfillment you internally enjoy. I wish you both the best.
Q. My husband and I read your book and we enormously enjoyed it. In chapter 15 (Leather Sex) a woman by the name of Lee described how she disciplines her husband. She incorporates a method known as riding the horse. I have become interested in this device after I read her story. I could definitely put such a device to good use in my own marriage.
Is there any chance she could give me the specs on how to construct such a device? My husband is handy and he can build just about anything. I think it would be most appropriate for him to construct the device that I will use to discipline him.
A. Every so often I receive letters inquiring about this device. Lee was kind enough to give me the specs as well as a couple of photos of the device. I've posted it in prior Q&A forums but since there are new people coming to this site all the time, I will once again post the specs and the photos so others who read the book can get a better picture of what riding the horse entails.
As with any D&S activity, those that choose to play on this level must become educated on how to use such equipment safety. It is the responsibility of the Dom to ensure that her man is safe at all times so I strongly recommend that any woman who utilizes this device as a means of disciplining her man, should never leave her man alone while he is riding the horse. Make sure that he can communicate with you verbally and that he is afforded the use of a safe word.
Q. Elise, my husband introduced me to this lifestyle and after having many doubts I have decided that I want this in the worst way. I believe it will enhance our marriage and I am excited about being in charge. The problem we are having is that he is having second thoughts. He is reluctant to give me control and what was exciting in the beginning has developed into arguments and stress. I want so bad to be the dominant woman he said he needs but I don't know what he wants. We have discussed this but are at an impasse. Do you have any suggestions?
A. I get this question more than I should and it makes me want to take men like your husband and shake them. Here he is the one who introduced you to this lifestyle, he takes you out of your comfort zone and introduces you to a sexuality and a lifestyle that is totally foreign to you, you work through your internal struggles and agree to explore it with him, but once you embrace it he decides that he doesn't want to relinquish control to you. Forgive me if I am being too harsh but some men are selfish and view FemDom in the terms of “what's in it for them”. Such men haven't got a clue what it means to serve a woman.
My suggestion is for him to live with the choices he has made. He married you so he must live with that choice and stay true to his vows. Likewise, he confessed to you his need to be dominated so he must live with that choice. He has unleashed your dominant nature and now that you have tasted of it, you want more. That is only natural. But for him to now deny you that and to take what should be a joyous experience for the both of you and make it stressful is unacceptable behavior. His actions are nothing more than the height of selfishness.
My advice to him is to honor the commitment he made to you. Does he have a job? I bet he submits to his boss, whether he likes it or not. The threat of not getting paid makes him endure working for someone else, no matter if he likes it or not. Did he go to college? I bet he submitted to his professors and did his assignments, whether he felt like it or not because he paying for those classes. If he gets a traffic ticket I bet he pays it and obeys the authorities, whether he likes it or not. My point is that he submits to people in his life everyday, no matter if he likes it or not. So he needs to take that same attitude with you. You are more important than his boss, his teachers and the local authorities. If he pays them the proper respect by obeying them, he should pay you the proper respect. By fighting you, he is disrespecting you and is saying to you that he does not trust you with authority over his life. He trusts his boss but not you.
You were not the one who introduced FemDom into your marriage. He did and by doing so he was telling you that he wanted you to be in authority over him. Well, you have accepted that responsibility and are excited about your new role so he must now follow-through. That is what is lacking. He lacks the commitment to follow-through. He made you a promise when he introduced FemDom into your marriage so he must now be a man of his word and keep that promise of submitting to you. He needs to submit to you and trust you.
You will make mistakes and bad decisions but he needs to support you in your new role, not fight you. A submissive male who loves his Queen will encourage her and praise her, will help to build-up her self-confidence and will be there to serve her and meet her needs. That is the commitment he made to you so it is now up to him to submit to you, whether he likes it all the time or not. My advice to your husband is to surrender and let go. He obviously was not happy when he was in charge or else he would not have introduced FemDom into your marriage. He obviously isn't happy fighting with you so the choice he has left is to surrender and allow you to blossom into the dominant woman he wants and needs. For if he will surrender to you, he will ultimately find fulfillment. Moreover, so will you. His lack of follow-through is hindering the both of you.
I don't mean to be overly harsh with your husband but my response to him is a response to all those men out there that have done the exact same thing. If there is one thing I can't stand it's a man who asks his wife to dominate him and after she agrees, he resists her. If a man is going to seduce a woman's dominant nature and introduce FemDom into the marriage, then he must accept the consequences and follow-through with his decision. It's Ok for him to have internal struggles at times, as that is the product of change. But we all make choices in life and we must live by those choices.
Now having said all of that, there are ways that you can turn the tables and seduce his submissive nature with your dominant nature by using your sexuality. Such a method takes advantage of the powers of patience, planning and follow-through to seduce him into it. I would highly recommend reading Lady Misato's site (Real Women Don't Do Housework) which does an excellent job of showing the possibilities of such methods. Her site is listed under my favorite links. You do possess the sexual power that when used properly, you can train your husband to be the kind of submissive you desire.
Be strong and be firm with him. Communicate with him and ask him why is he reluctant? Take his concerns into account but don't back down to him and don't allow him to manipulate you. You should always respect and love your husband but you must also hold him accountable for the decisions he has made. The good news is that the more you explore this lifestyle with him, the more knowledge you will gain into his nature and you will learn how to dominate him in ways that excite him. You will learn what touches his submission and you will be able to utilize this knowledge to get him to submit to you in a way that you both enjoy. This relationship can be and should be a win/win relationship.
Q. Dear Ms Elise Sutton, how refreshing it is to see a woman of such education and knowledge write on the mindset of the submissive male. I will indeed be ordering your book. Thank you!
I must admit, however, that I have many questions. One that burns is that your site shows very authoritative women (drawings) that invariably wear nylon stockings and carry crops. May I please ask why is it that nylon stockings with garters have such an overwhelming fixation for the male? So much so that he immediately feels a sense of inferiority (probably from sensing he is losing control over himself) and wants/needs to submit to the female. This is very perplexing to me as to "why"? Any comment from you would be most welcomed...thank you so much.
A. Which is the more powerful tool of domination, the crop or the woman's sexuality? It is the woman's sexuality and the crop is merely a tool and a prop to convey outwardly what the truth is inwardly. The truth is that women dominate men and render them weak and helpless via their sexuality. Even the most intelligent and physically strong males are reduced to being helpless by the sexuality of women and since men are so visually oriented, a woman can render a man weak and powerless by using the sexual assets that nature has endowed her with.
You no doubt are sexually attracted to the lower half of the female anatomy and the stockings and garters highlight the beauty and sexuality that is the female leg and thigh. To a man such as yourself, this image portrays female dominance because you are overcome by the beauty of the female form. The riding crop in the pictures you mentioned merely reinforces what you are feeling. The crop in the woman’s hand removes all the questions and the doubt as the woman is making it certain that she desires to be the dominant sexual partner.
I addressed the foot and leg fetish in a previous Q&A forum and I mentioned how there are different manifestations of this fetish. Some men become weak viewing the female form in boots of varying height, heels and material. Other men become weak by the image of the female foot and leg encased in stockings. As is the case with boots, garters and stockings are designed to highlight the beauty and sexuality of women and women use that sexual power to render men, such as yourself, helpless.
One of the most popular Adult magazines is “Leg Show”. The title gives you an idea of its content but “Leg Show” has had a FemDom flavor for years with many FemDom stories and pictorials. A man who is attracted to the lower half of the female anatomy is known for also harboring submissive fantasies.
You feel inferior because you are in awe of the beauty and sexuality of the female. Nature designed it to be this way as nature gave women this power over men. The drawings you mentioned were created by men who were expressing how sexual and powerful women appear to them as well as how inferior they feel when confronted with a strong and sexual woman. Often women do not realize the power they have over men but men worship women from afar and express their feelings through art, literature, and songs.
The majority of the art on my site conveys female sexual power, intelligence, sophistication and dominance. This is how the submissive male views the female gender thus these images merely re-enforce to the male viewer what his internal feelings are toward the female gender. Namely, the female is so beautiful, intelligent, sexual and lovely that the male can but only come to the conclusion that she is superior to him and that he is inferior to her. That is what you feel when you view these drawings because they speak to your very nature and confirm the desires of your heart.
Your challenge it to chanel those desires into a practical application and a reality based lifestyle of serving the female gender. Take care!
Q. Ms Sutton, I am a submissive male, age 42, married 14 years. I run a very large successful business. I am writing this with the concurrence of my superior Wife. Approximately 8 months ago, I confided in my superior Wife that I wanted to become submissive. At first she was reluctant, but gradually she became comfortable with the concept and started to enjoy her new role. I followed the advice from your web site and now I do all chores around the house, cater to her needs and desires, and she enjoys keeping me naked around the house; and now disciplines me to various levels as she sees fit.
Our relationship is in fact much better overall now that we have the defined roles for her superiority and my subservience. She even recently told me that she finds my penis inadequate (5 in) and I do not provide her the pleasure that she desires and that at some point she may desire to take a lover. My question, as she grows more confident in her role I seem to be having more and more difficulty letting go as a submissive yet I crave these needs on a constant daily basis.
I would appreciate any assistance or advice you can provide. I sincerely wish to serve my superior wife in the best possible way to please her. I seem to be caught in a paradox.
A. It is natural to have internal struggles, as that is the result of change. But as long as you are committed to your decision to submit to your wife and communicate to her your needs and feelings, you will find fulfillment and happiness in this lifestyle as you surrender to her will. That does not mean that you will agree with her decisions all the time or that every decision she makes will make you happy in the short term. But as long as the two of you communicate and as long as you trust her and support her, you will find fulfillment as a submissive husband.
As I mentioned in a previous post, once you make that decision to explore this lifestyle with your wife and once she begins to blossom as a dominant woman, you need to follow-through. You introduced this lifestyle to her so now you need to be true to that commitment. You will have doubts and internal struggles but you need to support her and serve her. Your focus needs to be on her happiness and not on yourself. For if you will major on her and minor on you, you will experience submissive fulfillment.
Serving a woman in a selfless manner brings joy and happiness to a man. Trying to maintain control will cause you stress and conflict. The conflict will cease when you let go. It takes two opposing forces for there to be a conflict. Most of the time, both of those opposing forces reside within the male. You want to surrender to her because you love how it makes you feel as a man, but you also want to maintain some control because of your male pride and masculine ways. When you finally surrender to your submissive nature, your controlling nature will weaken and will lose out to your submissive nature. Then the conflict will lessen and eventually cease. It is a process and a journey that will have peaks and valleys but as long as you stay committed to your wife and allow her dominance to touch your submissive nature, you will find it gets easier to surrender to her authority. I wish you both the very best.
Q. Hello, I came to your page and have two questions.
Isn't there a risk of being abused as a man who trusted the wrong woman? I mean this danger exists always for both sides but in that case the possibility and the consequences can be higher.
Doesn't the role of submission behavior in a man lead to social isolation? I think it has to be hard for a man because this role does not fit in with what society wants him to be.
A. Isn't there a risk for a man to marry "the wrong woman" and isn't there a risk for a woman to marry "the wrong man"? Why do you say that the consequences are higher for a man to trust a woman?
Trust is not built in a day. Trust is built over time as a person demonstrates their honesty and character. If a man is going to surrender himself into the hands of a complete stranger just because she looks amazing in her tight, leather outfit, he has only himself to blame if she takes advantage of him. God gave you a brain but it is up to you to use it. If you are going to be led by your lower head to the point that you ignore all common sense, then you very well might end up being taken advantage of by a woman who is not interested in loving female authority.
But if you submit to a woman whom you have a relationship with and who has shown you that she is a woman of character and a woman you can trust, then you can feel comfortable submitting to her. That is why I am all in favor of a man submitting to his wife. A couple that has a history together and has built a lasting friendship are the best candidates to have a powerful and loving FemDom relationship.
That does not mean you can't meet a woman and begin a FemDom relationship right from the start of the relationship, but I would not sign a contract of servitude or sell all you have and give it to her before you have a history with her. A relationship can begin as FemDom but you still need to build a friendship and establish a level of trust. Even if it’s not going to be a romantic relationship but rather a non-intimate FemDom relationship where you are a woman's domestic servant or personal submissive, you still must build that level of trust over time and build that Dom/sub relationship in increments as you get to know each other. It is your responsibility to stay grounded in reality. Only a fool would place his life and his possessions into the hands of a stranger that he does not know.
A D&S relationship takes even more trust than a vanilla relationship because of the dynamics involved. But the payoffs are higher because of that bond of trust. If you want to be dominated by a stranger, then go see Professional Doms where you can have a session but return to your life afterwards. If you want a personal relationship with a Dom, you need to make sure that she is a woman you trust and the kind of woman to whom you want to submit.
Your second question was about social isolation and the societal expectations of the male role. While it does exist, it is rare for a submissive male to be isolated. An example would be Darren in my book where his wife made him into her 24/7 slave and keeps him isolated from the outside world the majority of the time and she enjoys a social life separate from him. This was an agreed upon lifestyle and it is the exception and not the rule. Not many men could live such a life but Darren claims he is happy and fulfilled by such an arrangement.
Most FemDom couples keep their lifestyle private and still enjoy an active social life that is separate from their FemDom lifestyle (although the FemDom philosophy will influence their vanilla relationships). Vanilla friends and associates should notice that the man treats the woman with respect and adoration and they may even notice how the man defers decisions to the female, but such public displays are a positive example to society.
There are some couples that like the dichotomy and will appear in social settings as a traditional couple but once they are behind closed doors, the woman rules and dominates her husband to ensure that he is respectful to her in every situation and every setting. The majority of FemDom couples enjoy a very close and intimate relationship and that bond of intimacy enhances their social life. The friendship needs to be the foundation of the relationship and it is that friendship that will enhance the social life. I hope this answers some of your concerns.
Q. Honest psychological work on the phenomenon of the submissive male appears to be hard to come by on the Internet. May I say that your site greatly exceeds this unfortunate standard, and that I find your views on female superiority to be refreshingly bold, and honest. With respect and humility I ask for your insight into a specific area of the psyche of the submissive male.
I wish to determine the nature of my own submissive tendencies. Specifically as it may relate to childhood experiences with strict authoritarian English teachers. To this day I'm still in absolute awe of Women who demonstrate superior skills in grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, and proper use of verbs and nouns. My communication skills were polished and refined by just such Women. Despite the intimidation I feel towards Women who are well spoken and well written, I really owe them a debt of gratitude!
A. Oh yes, the ageless battle between the Female English Teacher and the rebellious male child. Forcing the restless male pupil to sit still and endure those monotonous and tedious exercises in English grammar is indeed an exercise in Female Authority and male submission.
It has been scientifically proven that women possess better verbal and communication skills and girls are wired to excel in grammar and linguistic studies. Boys are not and that is why the age old battle between the English teacher and the young male pupil. The majority of elementary teachers are female and the majority of English teachers are female. The woman who masters the English language with all of its complexity has shown that she is disciplined and intelligent. She expects no less out of her students.
Most boys would rather study history or math (or nothing at all if given a preference) but the female English teacher is demanding because she knows that these skills will only be learned through much repetition. Since it takes discipline to master these skills, she will use discipline on her pupils to teach them. Since boys often fail, there is a sense of humiliation as the English teacher marks up the child's assignment making notations of all the mistakes in grammar, sentence structure, etc. Even the most gifted male pupil who excels in math and science may feel frustrated at all the red marks on his English assignments.
The English teacher is accustomed to correcting students and often her patience is tested by the failings of her students. To her this is the most important subject content because it is the skill that will be most utilized in life. What else is as important than being able to communicate with your fellow human beings? The author, the song writer, the poet, the public speaker, and almost every profession needs these skills to be successful in life and it is her job to teach these skills to the next generation of leaders. But the boys have trouble staying focused on the tedious task at hand and often his young mind daydreams and wanders. Thus, the English teacher takes a likeing to the female students in her class who are more eager to learn and her frustration at the male pupils becomes obvious after her patience begins to wear thin.
Is this what you experienced as a child? I bet your English teacher was insistent that you were disciplined in your studies and I bet she refused to give in to you as she forced you to learn a subject you were not interested in learning. She represented female authority to you and female domination to you and you were attracted to her demeanor and her intelligence. You hated this class and you hated the way she made you submit to her demands that you learn the subject matter, yet at the same time you loved the feeling of submitting to her. It stirred your submissive nature and that feeling has stayed with you your entire life.
You do owe much to these women as they taught you these skills you needed to succeed in life. And you still feel inferior to women because of how they showed their superiority in this area that is so crucial. Perhaps you should have married an English teacher or if you are single, perhaps you still can marry an English teacher. She could correct you in public each time you misuse a word, which will humiliate you. Women do that you know? I know teachers who correct their husbands all the time for improper grammar. Some of these women are not even active in this lifestyle (at least to my knowledge) but to a submissive male it is a turn-on to be confronted with such a strict female who demands excellence.
To a man such as yourself, such a woman represents female authority and female domination to you because of your childhood memories and experiences. You are not alone. One of the many scenarios the professional Dominatrix offers is the fantasy role-play of Teacher/pupil. And guess which subject is most commonly used for this role-playing? You guessed it, English!
Lots of males like to regress back in their minds to being a boy who is punished and disciplined by the strict English teacher. Perhaps he will be forced to write a sentence on the blackboard about the superiority of women, only to have it picked apart for grammar and punctuation errors and then he will be slapped with her ruler or perhaps even spanked by her for his failure. The possibilities are endless for such a role-playing scenario.
Now don't you feel sorry for the boys of today who have spell-checking and grammar assistance on the computer? Maybe instead of the computer underlining the errors, a picture of a female teacher in a white blouse, black leather skirt, hose and high-heel shoes, with ruler in hand, should pop on the screen as she verbally scolds the male user for his mistakes. Now wouldn't that make learning more fun?
Thanks for the interesting question and keep up with those grammar skills.
Q. I recently came across your website and was very impressed by the content and your knowledge and understanding of, in particular, the mindset of the submissive male. Referring to your website I was both delighted and filled with hope as you consider that the relationship between the dominant female & submissive male should be in a loving & caring environment. However some of the content on your website I found to be confusing and frightening. Some material seems to go contrary to the love & care that is the main focus in your articles. For example:
1. The use of the word "endure" in the psychoanalysis questionnaire. By using "endure" I perceive suffering the infliction of pain either emotionally or physically. Whilst I can understand that the female may feel by undertaking these actions she is training the male to support her better, I do not understand how either party will obtain love from these actions.
2. Advising that the male be totally open and honest in his communication of his feelings to the female, which will allow the female to understand the male better and then to use this information against him. Surely open communication in a loving relationship must be two way and to actively use one parties honesty against him may create barriers in the future which could lead to a deterioration in the relationship.
3. You commented that humiliation can be used as a tool in training a submissive male. You specifically talk about the humiliation of his "manhood". From my perspective the psyche is integrated and to humiliate one aspect and support another would create confusion and concern that could result in the service level to the female being affected.
4. I do read that spankings etc may be viewed as erotic, however in my experience they are beatings rather than for any erotic sexual experience, this was confirmed when I visited a Dominatrix. Again I struggle to understand how the level of abuse described in some of the articles can be part of a loving & caring relationship.
My fears are further compounded by the comments in your website that, whilst it is traditionally the male who introduces this lifestyle to the female, the male should be careful as he may not get what he wishes for.
In my case I wish for an open, loving and caring relationship where I am clearly in a secondary and supporting role to the superior female but that I am not seen as pathetic or treated as a doormat. I am becoming confused and despondent by all of these thoughts and fears and my question is can my wish be achieved or I am consigned to a future of secret unfulfilled longing that will only get stronger as I age? I hope my humble question is worthy of your attention and comments.
A. Lets take your concerns one at a time. First, you are taking the extreme of the word "endure" and are assuming it means to suffer. The word endure used in the context of my psychoanalysis means to tolerate and to sacrifice. So remove the word "endure" and replace it with "tolerate" in those questions and you will get a different outlook. The woman is asking her man if he would be willing to tolerate, endure, sacrifice for her by submitting to certain D&S activities if she so desires to perform these activities on him.
You must understand the proper context of all of this. The woman is asking these questions not because she necessarily wants to do these activities to him but rather to delve into his nature to discover his innermost submissive desires. Ninety percent of the time, the woman knows less about these activities and practices than the man does. The man may have harbored these fantasies and desires since adolescence and my psychoanalysis is providing a vehicle for the female to learn and discuss these desires with the man she loves. She may be excited about them as well but the purpose of asking these questions is to open a dialogue so the woman can learn of her man's submissive nature and how that nature desires to find its expression.
Where they go from there will be totally up to them. I hope they will explore the different D&S activities by utilizing my additional procedures (posted in each issue of my e-zine Predominant) but the purpose of that exploration is so a couple can learn together what they enjoy and what they do not. They do not have to embrace all of these activities but only those that work within their relationship. I hope the woman will expand both her and her man's limits, for growth comes from stretching our boundaries. But ultimately she will make her decision based on her needs and her interests in accordance with what touches her man's nature. This process is the process of knowing your partner in deeper ways and this is a very intimate and loving experience. It all boils down to trusting your wife with power and authority and allowing her to expand your horizons by expanding the boundaries of your submission. That is why I do not recommend strangers or casual acquaintances perform this procedure. It needs to be done within the confines of a loving, committed relationship.
Your next concern deals with the woman taking the knowledge that she gains about her submissive man and using that knowledge to her advantage. This is an important and crucial component in a FemDom relationship and it ties back into your first question. There are psychological triggers within the psyche of the male that when stimulated, will unleash submissive energy and transport him to what is classified as subspace. The purpose of the D&S activities is to discover and explore those triggers. Once a woman identifies those activities that causes her man to become submissive toward her and perhaps takes him to subspace, she can than utilize those activities to the mutual benefit of both parties.
For example, if an erotic activity such as Queening or an intense activity such as humiliation play will transport a man to subspace, a woman will use the activity to her advantage, which will be beneficial to not only her but also the male. Remember that the male desires to surrender his will to the female but must often break through his own male ego and masculine ways to achieve that surrender. The D&S activity touches the male's psychological trigger which causes him to surrender and that is what brings about subspace. Subspace is the surrendering of the human will to the female and it transports the male to a peaceful and tranquil state of mind. When a man is in this state, he is secure, happy and eager to serve. This is when FemDom becomes powerful and fulfilling to both parties. It takes intimacy to a new sphere and it is beautiful. Your concern is a result of your reluctance to surrender. You will never achieve subspace until you allow a woman you trust to explore those triggers within you, which she can use to assist you in that surrender.
The humiliation play you are concerned about in your third question is a part of the process I just described. Humiliation play is not for all couples and will only be effective on those men who have that particular trigger. But how will you know whether or not you might have that trigger unless you allow a woman to explore this area with you? If neither of you find it to be fulfilling, then discard it. But it has been my experience that most men respond to some form of humiliation play. The example you cited about the woman verbally humiliating her man's "manhood" is most powerful because it cuts at a man's ego and pride. Again, humiliation play is not recommended on all men, especially if that man reacts negatively due to past abuse or a low self-image, and I clearly point this out by giving the woman the warning signs to look out for. Humiliation play is but one area and one activity under the large tent of FemDom.
Another area and activity is discipline. In your fourth question, you cite your concerns that spankings are abusive and not erotic. This might be a result of your upbringing, a negative childhood experience or the way the professional Dominatrix administered a spanking to you during a session. When done by a loving, nurturing and yet strict female, a spanking is very erotic and has nothing to do with abuse. The vast majority of couples who engage in this activity can't sing enough praises when it comes to the intimacy and harmony regular discipline sessions bring to their relationship.
Just as the majority of parents spank their children with love and purpose, the majority of wives and dominant women spank their husbands with love and purpose. Men need discipline, correction and at times, punishment at the hands of a loving female. Discipline and correction are good on the male psyche, even if physically it makes you uncomfortable for a short time. I recommend that you get my book and read the many positive testimonials from the numerous couples that incorporate discipline in their marriages. As with any activity, there is a right way and a wrong way to do it, and that is why those who engage in D&S and FemDom must be educated about the right way to engage in an activity. When done correctly and with the proper motivation, discipline sessions can be very intimate and erotic, and also emotionally positive on the psyche of the submissive male.
To conclude, your questions are all based on a fear that you will be abused or mistreated. You are looking at the negative instead of choosing to see the positive. This tells me that you do not trust a woman to have authority over your life. You were filled with hope when you read about the many loving FemDom relationships that are mentioned on my site but only if those relationships fit within your comfort zone. The ones that stretch the boundaries and enjoy a relationship that is outside your comfort zone concern you because you are viewing these relationships based on your limited knowledge and past experiences. That is perfectly understandable but you must be careful not to allow fear to rob you of intimacy that may exist on a different level.
Communication is the key and if or when you are in a relationship with a woman who is willing to explore this lifestyle with you within a loving relationship, it is crucial that you communicate to her your concerns. However, it is also important that you trust her and be willing to allow her to expand your horizons, which will take you out of your comfort zone.
Do people abuse others within a D&S relationship? Absolutely but people abuse others within a vanilla marriage relationship as well. If people lived in fear that they might be mistreated or abused based on what has happened to other couples, no one would ever get married. If people looked at the divorce rate and focused on the failed marriages, no one would ever get married. But at some point you have to trust another person and be willing to take some chances. If you find a woman you trust, you need to serve her and surrender to her authority and support her in that authority. To play it safe will shelter you from abuse but it will also lead to a lonely and unfulfilled life. So focus on the positive and see the potential. There are many, many couples who have the kind of loving and fulfilling FemDom relationship that you seek. I do wish you success in your journey.
Q. Dear Elise, I'm a woman in her early 40's, married for 12 years to a submissive man. In my earlier relationships I was always demanding, but my husband taught me so much more about how a woman should be treated. He's been a good slave, eager to obey me. Up until about a year ago he worked full time, gave me his paycheck, cooked dinner, and did all the household chores. I've always worked full time too, by choice.
Last year he had a terrible back injury at work, which left him mildly paralyzed on his left side. He walks with a prominent limp, and his left arm is weak. The doctors say his condition is probably permanent. I'm just glad it wasn't worse. He can no longer work, but we're pretty frugal and we're managing on my salary. Our lawyer says we have an excellent chance of obtaining a settlement from his company, but it's a long process.
The problem is, my husband feels extremely guilty because can no longer serve me as he used to. He can still do some light chores and I do the rest. Since his accident, his main job is being my personal servant. He bathes me, shaves my legs (it takes him longer now, but he still does a good job), helps me dress, etc. He also attends to me when I use the toilet. Still, he feels guilty.
He says he knows he's no longer worthy of me, but that all he ever wanted was to be my slave. He begs me not to leave him, and says he's trying to do better. Often he'll kneel down and kiss my feet and cry. He says he's sorry my life is harder now and begs me to forgive him. Elise, there's nothing to forgive. What happened wasn't his fault. To feel guilty over this is irrational.
At least the sexual aspect of our life is as good as ever. I never really liked intercourse, and I've only let my husband enter me once during our entire marriage. Besides, he's too good with his tongue. He still pleases me wonderfully in that way, and I think that helps alleviate his guilt a little.
How can I get him to understand that I don't think less of him as a husband or as a slave? I don't mind the loss of his paycheck or the chores I do. He still does plenty, and he's still able to be my valet, as I described earlier. Even if he weren't, I would never abandon him, no matter what. How can I make him see that?
A. He sounds like a wonderful man and you are blessed to have him as both a husband and a servant.
First, I would continue to reassure him how you love him and how you will never leave him. Next, I would tell him that things happen in life for a reason and that he will now get to serve you at a different level, in a more intimate way. He will be able to focus more on the spiritual and the intimate. It may take him longer to be your personal servant but perhaps this will get him to focus deeper on your feminine beauty and he will learn of you in new ways.
A handicap often opens an individual to new senses and provides an opportunity to see the world around them in a new light. Your husband's handicap affords him an opportunity to spend more time on the personal matters and less on the domestic. This is a gift as he can develop his creativity and worship you in new and exciting ways. He now has more time and he should view that time as a gift. He can use that time in new ways.
Finally, tell him that his complaining and lamenting is a negative to you and that if he is indeed your slave, he exists to bring joy into your life because you desire a cheerful servant. Forbid him to talk negative or else you will punish him, and follow-through with your decree. Use your female authority for his own good. Don't permit him to wallow in self-pity.
Challenge him to see the potential blessing he has been given. The accident could have been much worse so he needs to be thankful and he needs to view each day as a gift from God. Each day is an opportunity for him to serve you. Complaining and lamenting the past is not serving you. He needs to be thankful and cheerful, for you are worthy of a cheerful servant and he has much in life to be thankful about. Being the valet and personal servant of a woman is a blessing and a great honor. He simply needs to adjust his attitude to see the beauty of his life. The choice is his, either live in the past or live in the present. He sounds like a wonderful man and I am sure with your loving guidance and encouragement he will see the many blessings in his life and he will strive to be the best valet in the world to the most wonderful woman in the world. Take care.
Q. Hello Elise, I became interested in the concept of female domination due to a recent development and incident with my husband. Based on this I am hoping to get some advice from you as my questions are not the type which I can seek a face to face opinion.
My husband is headstrong and an egocentric man. One day at home we had a big argument. When he became heated and insisted on his point of view, something in me snapped. I simply told him off and actually raised my voice and told him to know his place. There was a look of uncertainty and apprehension about him when I confronted him.
Later that night after turning in to bed, he wanted to make love. I rejected his advances, as I was still quite flustered by his earlier outburst and not in the mood. He tried to kiss me and I pushed him off. In the middle of the night his kissing on my breasts awakened me. When I pushed him, he descended and planted his lips on my pussy. He had never done that before. I was still feeling angry and was fairly rough with him, grinding my crotch to his face. I had an orgasm almost crushing myself against his lips. When I released him, he lay motionless, eyes close and breathing deeply. He had an erection but did not ask for sex. I simply fell asleep shortly. Later I became addicted to oral sex and started demanding his attention more and more often.
Concurrently, I started noticing a change in my husband. His tempers and outbursts had lessened considerably. We still have rows now and then but I have observed that whenever I raise my voice and became angry, my husband would back down. On occasions he even apologized much to my utter amazement. The power shift is incredible.
I have even started denying his requests for sex and better yet stopped giving him oral sex. The last time he did ask for oral sex, I told him that I would stop him from giving me oral sex if he continues asking for blowjobs. To my delight, he apologized and got on his knees begging to serve me.
Friends have commented on his docile nature and that he seems more loving to me. I have read that the feminine ejaculate contains female hormones. I do not know if frequent consumption of my juices will have a hormonal effect on my husband. I mean he has become more docile and submissive.
Myself, I have become more selfish in the sense that I am starting to focus only on my pleasure during sex. Many a time, my husband would serve me without any release. I actually think I enjoy watching him go aroused and frustrated while pleasing me. I am beginning to feel like a bitch although my husband has never and perhaps will never dare say that to me.
What has actually transpired? He is submissive even when I am not angry now. I mean I cannot believe it was the oral sex that has made my husband submissive. Does it have this effect on men?
A. The act of a man orally servicing a woman does in fact make a man more submissive and docile toward the woman. The reasons for this are both biological and psychological.
Psychologically, a man who becomes accustomed to humbling himself before his Queen and focuses on pleasuring her orally will begin to become comfortable in the submissive role. The scent and taste of a woman's juices can become addicting to a man and the position of being between a woman's legs is a peaceful and tranquil place for a man. Orally pleasuring a woman is both a sexual and spiritual experience for a man. It is an act of humility, adoration, worship and selflessness. Such an experience effects the psyche of a man and causes him to become more docile and submissive toward his Queen.
In addition to the psychological and spiritual aspects to a man orally servicing a woman, there is also scientific research that concludes that there are biological reasons that causes a man to become submissive and obedient to a woman he orally services. The strictly female substance, copulins, which is found in female vaginal secretions, has been shown to cause a man to become submissive toward a woman.
While I am more of an expert on the psychological aspects of FemDom, there are those who study FemDom from the biological. More and more research is being done to try to understand the sexual power that women have over men. Sandra Morrishaun, PhD, (Professor of Hormonology and Human Behavior, University of Chicago) has done extensive research on the biological effects of the female chemical, copulins. According to Dr. Morrishaun, copulins "disguise" themselves as the male's polypeptides, which are neurotransmitters--the link of communication between the hypothalamus and the rest of the brain and body. Because copulins are more "aggressive" than polypeptides, they easily supplant the host's neurotransmitters. Moreover, copulins appear to be addictive.
Dr. Morrishaun believes that when the female substance copulins (which resides in female vaginal secretions) is transmitted from female to male, the male's brain is completely open to the female's input. Anything a woman says to her mate becomes his own thoughts. She calls it marital mind-control and she believes that copulins are Mother Nature's way of creating a chemical bond between the male and female and that this female chemical causes the male to become submissive to the female.
Dr. Morrishaun has been called a fraud on some sites with claims that her research is not valid. I've been asked (by a number of people) for my thoughts on the power of copulins. Truthfully, I am not an expert on Hormonology or Biology. I examine the psychology of female dominance and male submission. But I do believe that the dominance of women is the design of nature. Therefore, I do believe that there are biological, psychological and spiritual aspects to the superiority of women. Nature has given women sexual power over men.
This we do know, the act of a man orally pleasuring a woman has a subduing effect on a man. The man becomes more submissive and the woman who is regularly serviced becomes more aggressive and more dominant. We also know that most men love the effect this activity has on them mentally. Orally pleasing a woman is a tranquil and peaceful experience to the man who is truly worshipping the woman he is serving. I believe the biological, the psychological and the spiritual all work in harmony as it touches the male in his body, mind and spirit. And the end result is the female gaining in pleasure, power and dominance; just as Nature intended.
Q. Elise, thanks for a wonderful site. My question is about Female Supremacy and the societal evolution you frequently reference. Have you seen those tee-shirts "Boys Are Stupid" and "Boys Are Smelly"? I would love to hear your opinion on them. They have stirred controversy because some people feel they are mean-spirited and teach girls to hate boys. I think they are a social commentary on the superiority of women and how society is recognizing that superiority.
One of my closest friends is married with a teenage daughter. She has a great marriage and she loves her husband. The other day I went to the mall with her and her daughter and her daughter was wearing the "Boys Are Stupid, Throw Rocks at Them" tee-shirt. Her daughter is a beautiful girl and has a lot of self-confidence for a teenager. She is also a straight "A" student in school. I asked both of them about the shirt.
I asked why did they buy it and did they think it was disrespectful to their husband and father? They laughed and the mother told me she was the one who ordered it over the Internet after she read about the controversy. The daughter said she likes the shirt because it, and I quote, "puts boys in their place". My friend smiled with all the pride of a proud mother but she did admit that her husband did not like the shirt. She ordered it nonetheless and her daughter wears it. I found that to be an interesting social statement because they are a close-knit family and not radical feminists. Have you seen these shirts and what do you think about their popularity with teenage girls?
A. I recently attended a social of a FemDom group and one of the women was wearing the "Boys Are Stupid" shirt. Her purpose for wearing this shirt was to humiliate her husband (and the other men in the attendance) as well as making a social statement about her belief in the superiority of women. It was appropriate at this venue because it was a FemDom event and chances are the bold statement on her shirt aroused the majority of the men. It no doubt fed their submissive desires.
Having said that, I don't think a public mall or a public school are appropriate venues for such a shirt. Personally, I wish the phrase "throw rocks at them" was not on the shirt because I see no redeeming value (social or otherwise) in that statement. I also would rather that the shirt said "Men are stupid" and not "boys are stupid" because children are innocent. Boys are not stupid by nature. The males who act as if they are stupid are that way due to a lack of discipline in their lives. Ideally, the shirt should read "Women are smarter than men, submit to them". That would be a more accurate statement and a better social commentary.
I realize the shirt is meant to be humorous and not to be taken serious but if I were the mother of a young boy, such a statement would turn me off. My son would not be stupid because I would challenge him to excel in school. If I had a daughter, she would not wear these shirts but if her and her friends liked these shirts, I might have a shirt printed for my daughter that said "Girls are smarter" or "Girls rule" or something that expressed a positive female image rather than a negative male image.
Young girls are the marketing target for these shirts and I would rather see phrases that build up women instead of tearing down boys. But these shirts do fit nicely into a FemDom session. I could envision a woman wearing a "Boys Are Stupid" shirt when role-playing the baby-sitter in my procedure number four. Like I said, the shirt was a big hit at the FemDom social so there is a time and place for everything. Wisdom is knowing that proper time and place.
The fact that young girls like these shirts is indeed a social commentary. We might not agree on the message but I do agree that a girl who wears such a bold shirt is proclaiming to the male gender that she is indeed superior to him. I am sure such a bold image will stir the submissive nature within both boys and men. The male ego will not like the shirt but the male submissive nature will respond to the social commentary. Again, I think a more powerful commentary would be to place the emphasis on the superiority of women and less on the mocking of males (unless it is within a FemDom session or setting that incorporates humiliation play). Thanks for the great question.
