Q&A Forum - December 2018
Q. Dear Ms. Elise, I am a middle aged man who has been married 25 years and has been in total submission to my wonderful wife's authority for about the last 3 years. I have been transformed into a happy house-husband who has found total peace and contentment in my servitude to my "Queen". We've found that the more I do (and the less she does) brings us greater joy and a happier, loving marriage. She is now in total charge of the finances and also every aspect of my life and we are truly the shining example of a Female Dominated Relationship withing a Loving Marriage. When she gets home each day from work we enjoy me greeting her at the door, kneeling down before her as I proclaim her the true Head of the Household and I kiss her feet. I must tell you that I never thought I could be this happy and often wonder what took me so long get on the right page.
Having said all of this, I have a question for you that I hope you can answer. From time to time I get feelings that surface that tell me to stop what I'm doing and "be a man". I fight these feelings and have successfully suppressed them but they do continue but not that often. My question is........If I am so happy, why am experiencing these feelings that are contrary to my happiness?
A. It is perfectly natural for a male living in our society to struggle with his manhood as he becomes true with his real needs as a man and thus goes against the patriarchal doctrines of what manhood should consist of. You have been programmed since childhood with a false teaching of what a man is and how a man should express his masculinity. There are societal expectations for men that are passed down from generation to generation, from fathers to sons, from men to boys. Many of these expectations are erroneous and they are not genuine manifestations of real masculinity, but are rather the products of the male ego and the pride of man. You have come to recognize the fallacy of what you have been taught and you have instead chosen to follow your heart and your inner needs and desires. The result is that you have come to recognize your need for female authority in your life and your need to submit to your wife and this has produced happiness in your life and in your marriage.
Yet, you still are influenced by the dying patriarchal system that exists all around you. You see a false representation of manhood in movies, on television, from your male friends, possibly in your church, and this challenges your manhood as it appeals to your male ego. But the fact is that you are happy in your FemDom marriage and you could not go back, even if you tried because you would be miserable. So you have this internal struggle at times and you entertain certain thoughts, and that is natural, but as long as you stay committed to your wife and as long as you yield to her authority, those struggles will lessen over time as you become more and more comfortable in the role that you deep down want and need.
There are certain steps you can take to lessen that internal conflict. For one thing, do not hang around macho males who do not respect women. You may work with these types of males and you may have males with this mindset in your family but you do not have to spend more time than is necessary with them. In addition to the company you keep, try to not immerse yourself in unproductive endeavors that feed your male ego. It has been said that you will become in life the books you read (and the television you watch) and the people you associate with.
And this brings us to that all important word of communication. Instead of verbalizing your struggles to your wife in a way that may upset her, why not keep a journal where you make daily entries about what you are experiencing, along with honest assessments about what will help you to overcome your internal conflicts. That way she can read your journal and she can help you in these areas. You can even copy this entry (and any others that you find helpful) off my site into your journal for her to read along with your thoughts.
The bottom line is for you to press through any doubts, and to double your efforts in submitting to your wife. It may not be easy (and nothing in life worth doing is easy) but if you will cast out those old patriarchal thoughts by not dwelling on them, and if you will instead dwell on thoughts about how you can serve and please your wife, then the happiness you have been experiencing will be increased and the bond between you and your wife will continue to grow stronger. Take care.
Q. Dear Ms. Sutton, all my post-puberty life I have had submissive fantasies. In my adult life, I even joined Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous when my calling for phone domination got uncontrollable.
I am 48...and I agree, the urges get stronger (more about submitting and less about sex) the older I get. I am in therapy now for the same issue and recently married a vanilla woman who has limited interest in D/s.
I am very confused. As far as I can tell, there is the wish to submit, a lifestyle choice, then there are times when my urges are so overpowering that I cannot stop thinking about it or fantasizing. At times, I still call sex domination lines.
I have read with interest your description of men who are miserable because they try to change this desire. My question is...do you think that there can be some pathological stuff (self-esteem issues that result in cognitive distortions about what I must do to "earn" love) that goes back to parenting? Do you think that S&M is sometimes a protection from "real" intimacy and connection with another?
A. You ask an excellent and important question. There is a widely held point of view that people who become involved in BDSM, D&S or FemDom are socially or emotionally handicapped and are either incapable of genuine intimacy or afraid of genuine intimacy. You no doubt heard this in your support group or from your therapist. What they are really telling you (knowingly or unknowingly) is that you have a disorder and that you need to conform to societal expectations in order to be happy or fulfilled. I disagree.
Are some people involved in BDSM lacking in social skills? Absolutely! Are some people involved in D&S fearful of intimacy? Absolutely! Do some men who have FemDom fantasies suffer from an unrealistic and unhealthy sexuality? Absolutely! However, the same can be said of people whose sexuality falls within the so-called traditional and vanilla varieties.
It is dangerous and foolish to paint people with a broad societal brush. In my opinion, the reason why some therapists and counselors have the point of view that people who are drawn to alternative lifestyles suffer from low self-esteem, or don’t know how to be intimate with another person, is because they read case studies of people who were diagnosed as having some kind of mental, social or emotional disorder and they try to paint others with the same broad brush of analysis.
You are unique and just like no two snowflakes are alike, no two people are alike. No one has ever possessed your DNA. No one has ever had your exact fingerprints. You are an individual miracle and you have a unique nature, personality and psychological make-up. You are defined by genetics and life experiences in combination with your unique soul.
You asked if BDSM is sometimes a protection from "real" intimacy and connection with another. The key word here is “sometimes”. In other words, in some rare and unique cases it very well may be. But those are the exceptions and not the rule.
Have you ever attended a big BDSM event? I would recommend that you do, at least once, if for no other reason than to observe. What you will see is a wide range of people and personalities, all who are there for various reasons and all who have different interests and motivations. You will see conservative looking people who appear as if they stepped right out of the business office and right into their fetish attire. You will also see the Goth look with all the dark and black imagery. You will see the Punk look with the spiked hair and piercings. You will see people who have the Biker look of leather and tattoos. You will see people who refuse to have any look and will only wear tee-shirts and jeans. You will see all kinds of people with all kinds of external looks.
Then there is the internal, all kinds of different personalities and interests. People are there by choice and for various reasons. How would you ever paint so many people with such a broad brush? Do you honestly think all of these people suffer from a fear of intimacy or some kind of social deficiency?
And that is just the people who openly attend public events. What about the millions of men around the world that view FemDom and D&S media like websites, DVD’s, books and magazines? What about the tens of thousands of men who visit Professional Dominant Women? Are all of these men sexually perverted?
Your desire to submit to a woman is very, very common. Thus your FemDom fantasies are also common and more widespread than you realize. Your challenge is to stay rooted in reality and not to allow your sexuality and submissive nature to get out of balance. If it affects your ability to relate to your wife or if it affects your job performance or if it affects your relationships with family and friends, then it is out of balance. The desire is not wrong, the fantasy is not wrong, the strong urges are not wrong as long as you stay rooted in reality.
It is like anything in life. The person who attends bingo once a week or who goes to Las Vegas a couple times a year to gamble is different than the compulsive gambler who losses his weekly paycheck at the local casino. The one has a problem, the other does not. The person who drinks socially is different than the alcoholic. The person who eats to live is different than the person who lives to eat.
If you lost all self-control and you were spending money you did not have on phone domination services, a human weakness was exposed. It was not the FemDom fantasy or the desire to submit to women that was the problem. It was a lack of self-discipline and self-control. You may have a compulsive personality and if it were not FemDom, it would be something else. If that is the case, counseling is a must but not for FemDom but for your compulsive behavior.
Your wife could actually be a big help if you could somehow discuss this with her in an open and honest manner. She could take control of you in this area (a form of FemDom) and she could make you accountable to her in these areas that you struggle with.
It is my opinion and my observation after being around the FemDom lifestyle for many years that FemDom can produce intimacy between two people that is greater than what most vanilla couples will ever experience. I have written about this in great detail in my books and on my site. D&S can produce tremendous intimacy but FemDom takes it even further because of the unique and special elements of the dominant female/submissive male relationship. I believe there are spiritual, psychological, emotional and sociological elements that are unique to the FemDom lifestyle.
Your desire for loving female authority (and I believe that is what is at the root of it all) is both natural and healthy, as long as you stay rooted and grounded in reality. You are correct in that the older you become, the stronger your submissive desire will become. You have a woman whom you can channel those desires toward. You can serve her and even if she never embraces the FemDom lifestyle, you can still experience happiness and fulfillment by placing her needs ahead of your own. But ultimately the best case scenario would be for her to take the reigns of the relationship so she can assist you in those areas where you are weak. I do wish you the very best.
Q. Dear Ms Sutton, I would sincerely like to express my worship to you and to your work.
Not so long ago, I was in bed with my wife and I comprehensively told her about my submissive fantasies (like enjoying her pressing her foot against my mouth while I’m on the ground). She seemed to enjoy this kind of D&S interaction as much as I did.
However, the next time we were in bed, I asked to go under her feet but she had a very strict reaction and asked: "why do you like to be oppressed???" (in a very frustrated tone).
That left me speechless, I mean how can I answer that? It gave my fantasy a sick masochistic dimension. Is there a straight line between fantasy and social behavior which I could point to her?
A. It would appear from her comments that you are not selling her on the benefits of this lifestyle. She is viewing it as you wanting her to oppress you (i.e. enslave you) as the fulfillment of your fantasies. Instead, you need to come at this lifestyle from the woman’s viewpoint. She wants a caring man who will treat her as his Queen, not by force but because he loves her and he is driven to serve her.
A woman will enjoy dominating a man if she feels the man’s motivation is not a selfish motivation based on his fantasies but rather a genuine passion to submit to the woman he loves. You know your wife and you know what she enjoys (at least I hope you do) so if you want to be her servant, you need to do those things that bring her pleasure. It is perfectly Ok to try to communicate with her your needs and desires and it is perfectly Ok to try to introduce her to some D&S activities. However, that is not to be your focus or your motivation. Your focus is to be on what you know she will enjoy and your motivation should be to serve her and her interests.
This lifestyle is not difficult. It is about a man preferring his wife over himself. It is about a man sacrificing for the woman he views as his Queen. It is about a man finding submissive fulfillment by submitting to a woman, and submission takes on many forms and expressions, not just in the bedroom but mostly outside the bedroom in a domestic and social setting.
By serving your wife, you will seduce and draw out her desire to dominate you. And as that desire grows and matures, she very well may begin to desire the same kind of D&S activities and practices that you desire. But in order for that to happen, she must experience the benefits and she must believe that you love her and that you worship her. She very well may come to enjoy “oppressing you” but only if she believes that by doing so it will bring forth fulfillment in your life and be a benefit to her life. She needs to become educated about the power dynamics of this lifestyle and that will not happen until she wants to become educated and that will not happen until she is motivated to be educated and that will not happed until you show her the benefits. I do wish you both the very best.
Q. Dear Ms. Sutton: Thank you so very much for your website which has brought freedom and joy and understanding to me personally, and I am sure to thousands of people who continue to discover these truths about themselves.
I am a male approaching fifty and I am currently in a relationship with a woman who has embraced her dominant nature. She is powerful, confident, successful and a natural Dom. We seem to be perfectly compatible. To date, she has done a limited amount of discipline, but we both have no doubt that if our relationship were to solidify, she would essentially take up ownership of me and my life, which I would welcome.
Our relational dilemma is me and my lack of affection toward her. The sex is good, especially when she dominates me in the bedroom, but we both sorely feel my lack of emotional and physical affection. To be sure, there is some, but not nearly enough. I just hold back.
I would say that while she has some physical attributes that I like, overall, I am not overly turned on by her physical appearance, and that one factor fails to motivate me, and it is like a drag inside of myself. I want to feel all this innate affection for her, and she is certainly completely deserving of all of me. It is as though my inside scripting is so narrow when it comes to what I find physically attractive, and I cannot expand beyond what I know inside. Perhaps my expectations for a certain physical attraction are unreasonable. When I describe the relational components we do have to other people, many people would kill for it.
I have never been disciplined by her to the point of breaking. The sessions thus far have been a little intense and every session gets a little more intense, but I would say that they are still within the realm of "play". She is hesitant, perhaps rightfully so, to go further until she sees me more deeply involved and committed. It seems as though you encourage the relationship to form first, but I am not sure. If being broken through discipline would bring it about, than I would be willing.
Clearly the problem here is with me, and I would like to be contented, happy and peaceful in this relationship, but I have this nagging feeling of coming up short in this one way, which seems so crucial.
Thank you so much for your generosity in bringing so much truth to so many people.
A. There is a rather common but greatly mistaken perception out there about the role of discipline in a relationship, especially among the submissive male populace. This desire to be “broken” is more fantasy than reality. When a man says he wants to be “broken” what he is saying is that he wants his will to be changed by force, rather than by choice. Choice is the exercising of our personal freedom. Force is the taking away of our ability to choose.
Love, devotion, affection and intimacy must come by choice, not force. Discipline can be an important component of a FemDom relationship but when a woman disciplines a man it is an act of love, much the same way a parent disciplines the child they love. Even when the discipline is more of a punishment, it is still an act of love. Discipline is a great tool for behavior modification but it rarely will be effective as a tool for emotion modification. You are who you are and no amount of discipline or punishment will change that. Regular discipline might get you to be more focused on doing chores but it will not make you love your partner more. Love is by choice and cannot be brought about by force.
Regular D&S sessions, be they discipline or any other D&S activity, can enhance intimacy and help build intimacy but it will not create intimacy where none exists. If you are having regular sex with a woman but you do not feel deep affection toward her, it is doubtful that regular discipline sessions will change that.
This may or may not apply to your current relationship. If I am hearing you correctly, you are intimate on many levels with this woman but you do not show as much affection toward her as you have in previous relationships. You are assuming it is because she doesn’t fit the physical mold of what you perceive as being gorgeous. You are dating her and you are having sex with her, so there is something about her, both internally and externally, that you are attracted to. Perhaps if you isolate a part of her (and in this case it is external attributes) she doesn’t measure up to your personal preferences, but the overall package of her appearance, her intellect and above all her dominance, is appealing to you and thus you are attracted to her. Rarely does one person find another person to be perfect. Love is formed when two people connect internally. When people connect exclusively by the external, that is known as infatuation, not love.
People fall in love because of the whole package and it is the connection of the hearts and the souls. It is the whole being and the entire package. That does not mean you are going to be enamored with every single detail about the person. Love overlooks faults, it does not magnify them. Trust me, I am sure there are attributes about your appearance and personality that she does not care about. You are not perfect either.
Men are by nature less affectionate as they age and women hate that about men. When you were a young man I am sure you were more eager to hold hands, plant tender kisses and cuddle. Talk to most married women and they will tell you that their husbands were more affectionate during those early years than they are now. So it may not have as much to do with the externals and it may have to do with you. Even if you changed the woman, you still would probably be less affectionate than you were when you were a younger man.
My advice to her would be to control and channel your sex drive. The reason men tend to be less affectionate in later years is because the male sex drive decreases. There is a correlation between sex and affection, especially with men. Maybe the regular sex should be more about her pleasure and she should keep you in an aroused and denied state.
Outside of this you need to focus on what you love about this woman. Hold her hands and be affectionate because she is a Goddess. You are in a relationship with a Goddess and if you allow some minor externals to rob you of the honor of adoring a Goddess, well shame on you. She is a Goddess internally and she possesses the female nature. Love her spirit, love her mind, love her body, love the entire package. Love is a choice. Choose to love and choose to be affectionate. No amount of force through discipline will be as powerful or fulfilling as loving someone by the exercising of your free will. Take care.
Q. Elise, Something has been brewing in me my whole life and I just found that it was my feminine power trying to assert itself. It is here. I am a 30 years old female and am realizing that what I really want is a man to let me make the money and the big decisions while he stays home and does the traditional female chores. I am a born leader who quickly rises to authority positions because I lead in a very assertive, direct, but loving way.
My question is...What qualities do I look for in a potential submissive? I am attracted to men in their early 20s. I always have the urge to "break their preoccupation with self" and make them submit. Can this work? Or will a 22 year old run off with a "young" woman as I get older? Thank you for considering my questions.
A. There is that word “break” again. I think better words would be “train”, “teach”, “tame” and “guide”. You do not want to “break” a man because that refers to forcing your will on him. True submission is when a man chooses to obey you because he views you as being superior or he views you as being worthy of his submission.
You want to teach the younger man, tame his destructive male ego and channel his male aggression into serving you and your needs. You want to educate him about what women want and you want to guide him into a more peaceful and harmonious existence. You want the relationship to be a win/win relationship where you show him that your way will make him a more complete and happier person.
You cannot make a person do anything against their will in a free society. A lot of men (and more and more dominant women) have the fantasy of a woman breaking a man down through intense and severe discipline, torture and domination. But that is fantasy and not reality. There is nothing wrong with this sexual fantasy and it certainly can be explored through role-playing and fantasy exploration. But the reality of life is that a FemDom relationship will work when a man submits to his Queen of his own free will because he wants her to be in charge. There are plenty of younger men who are seeking an older woman to take over the reigns of their lives, and there are plenty of younger men who need to be trained by older women. So you should have no trouble finding willing males.
The reason you fear a younger man will run off is precisely because you are viewing this as you forcing him to submit. Again, that might be fun within the bedroom but within the day to day life of a relationship, you want him to obey you by choice. For if he submits to you by choice, if you properly train him and properly guide him, he will want to stay with you because he loves you and he needs you. Make him want to be with you and make him realize that he is blessed to be with you, a dominant Goddess, and it is unlikely he will want to leave you. That is why it must be win/win. He wins by staying loyal and devoted to you. Take care.
Q. Dear Elise, I find your Female Superiority Site hypnotic. I do have an observation from when my wife dominates me. You are very experienced in all this and perhaps I am telling you nothing new but I will try anyway. If I am horny during a beating it hardly hurts at all. If I have an orgasm before a beating it hurts a lot more plus as you know a man feels much less submissive after an orgasm.
The thing I want to bring up is I consider it an extra act of submission to have a severe beating after an orgasm, it requires more focus and I feel more pain. Therefore the slave will have two options of submitting - orgasm plus painful beating or no orgasm plus less painful beating due to being so horny.
Well, it's just an idea. The basic concept is that maybe advising all those women to deny their men orgasms is unnecessary and they could have just as submissive a slave if they give him my choice.
Personally I found having an orgasm and then taking a beating and acting just as submissive as before a great and difficult challenge. I am afraid to fail.
A. Yes, there are women who do this, or at least a variation of this. It is true that when men are denied, they are much more easily transferred to subspace which will allow them to endure and in some cases, enjoy moderate to intense corporal punishment or discipline sessions. Some women who want to punish their man due to him being disobedient might not want their man to drift off into subspace so they might give him (or order him to give himself) an orgasm right before the punishment is to occur. That way it will not be erotic in the male’s mind and the bite of the instrument of punishment will be more painful and less pleasurable.
However, I don’t really see why the male should be given this choice. It seems to me that if a woman denies her man, he will be more obedient and in need of less punishments. But if he is disobedient and requires punishment and the woman does not want to risk him drifting off into that euphoric world known as subspace, she could make the decision to demand that he orgasm prior to the punishment. But it would be her call, not his.
Of course, there are many ways that a punishment can be administered to a man where there is little or no chance that he will drift off into subspace, whether he is denied or not. The implement of choice can determine whether a session is to be erotic, a mild form of discipline or an intense form of punishment. Some implements carry more bite and no matter how long a man has been denied, some tools of correction will get the point across in a non-erotic and non-subspace manner. I see no problem there. However, I know some women do incorporate your suggestion about having a man orgasm prior to a punishment and I am sure some will give it a try after reading this entry. Thanks for the idea.
Q. Dear Ms Sutton: I have searched the web to no avail for information on the "dreaded Hair Peg," and its use as a means of discipline. Could you enlighten me?
A. During the Victorian era, humiliation was a common tool of discipline used on disobedient children, especially boys. Often punishments included being ordered to write lines over and over, or having to memorize long passages. In school, teachers shamed their students by making them wear a "dunce cap", or wear a humiliating sign around their neck. A boy might be made to put on a girl's bonnet and sit on the girl's side of the room, or students were forced to balance themselves on a small block of wood in the corner of the room.
“The Peg" was indeed a severe and dreaded punishment. The disobedient child's hair was fastened to a clip which was pegged into the wall at a height which kept the pupil standing on his or her tiptoes until the teacher felt that the student had learned his/her lesson. Naturally, being forced to stand on one’s tiptoes can be quite uncomfortable and painful as the leg and calve muscles begin to tighten, cramp and tire. And as one begins to lose their balance, the peg would pull on the hair, causing more pain and discomfort. So it was either endure the pain and discomfort in the legs or endure the pain and discomfort from having your hair pulled. That is why they called it the “dreaded peg”.
During the Victorian era, it was perfectly acceptable for an adult female to slap a boy’s face or pull and twist his ears. The Governess was often responsible for disciplining the children and she usually was more punitive and firm with the male children. The Governess often handled the young males under her care with a very firm hand. Of course, the most common punishment for male children was a whipping with the dreaded cane.
I devoted an entire chapter to Victorian Discipline and Domination in my book, “Female Domination”, and I reveal how some of these practices are still used by dominant women today, only instead of disciplining children they use them on adult males within consenting relationships.
Q. Dear Ms Sutton, I am into being dominated by Female wrestlers. Female 'session' wrestlers have told me that wrestling is a form of domination in its purest form (as the women are dominating physically as well as or instead of mentally). But do you see it differently from 'traditional' domination?
Also, a wrestler told me that she thinks men enjoy physical domination because their mothers may have dominated them physically when they were young. She said that good mothers are Dominatrices. Why do you think men enjoy being dominated?
A. Wrestling is a sport and sports are competition. The very basis of sport is to determine a winner and a loser, to determine who is superior in the arena of athletic competition. Wrestling is a physical competition to determine physical dominance and superiority of physical strength. While technique and leverage is a big part of wrestling, it still boils down to physical dominance. The stronger conquers the weaker.
I view traditional female domination (i.e. D&S, BDSM) as being primarily within the realm of the mind. Men are by nature bigger and stronger thus women who dominate men within a D&S relationship are using their sexual and mental attributes to get the stronger male to willingly submit. A woman’s sexuality and intellect is her strength and while men may be bigger physically, there is that part of the male nature that desires to submit to women. It is a willing submission and not a forced submission.
Wrestling is a forced submission as a woman is using her athletic and physical abilities to subdue the male. The female wrestler who defeats a man is turning physical stereotypes upside down. The man might suffer not only physical submission but also mental submission as he is humiliated by not being able to live up to his gender’s expectations of being the physically stronger sex.
To answer your second question, anyone who has ever been around young boys knows that males like to wrestle each other to prove who is the strongest. It is part of the male ego and the natural aggressive nature of man. Brothers fight and wrestle each other, young male friends fight and wrestle each other, and it is a function of being a boy. It is little wonder that wrestling became a sport because males engage in wrestling from the time they can walk.
It’s a humbling experience for a boy when he realizes his mother is physically stronger than he is. It is one thing for a boy’s father to be stronger but when a boy’s older sister or mother demonstrates her superior strength, it can deflate the fragile male ego (even at a young age). But along with this can come a sexual excitement and the stirrings of the male submissive nature. Within some males, the feeling of being defeated by a woman feels good. It touches his submission nature and can cause sexual arousal.
A male child that is unruly might be grabbed and held down by his mother while he is being disciplined (spanked, forced to sit in the corner, forced to go to his room, etc) in order to subdue the child. When the male child tries to resist but realizes he is helpless to overcome the stronger female, it can trigger feelings of submission as the male child submits to the woman’s strength and the result is a feeling of tranquility. Usually after the discipline comes love and nurturing from the female and a male will always remember that female dominance leads to female love and acceptance. I believe that is a big part of the male fantasy for Female wrestling. Best wishes!