Q&A Forum - February 2009 (Best of Elise)
Q. First of all, thank you for such a wonderful site. You are doing a great service for the future of women. I have come to have more intricate understanding of my submissive desires. Now for my question.
After reading the mainstream articles on your site showing the social changes that are occurring in the world, I have come to realize that a future Matriarchy is guaranteed. The low performance levels of male students and the natural dominance of women in the academic and business worlds are becoming more obvious. All this is gradually happening, but what can people do to further encourage this process? Should boys still be encouraged to go to school if they are destined to fail?
And what are your thoughts on inheritance? Should the first-born daughter now inherit the family business and wealth?
A. Your questions show how deeply rooted the patriarchy system is still within the consciousness of society. A Matriarchy is not the reverse of a patriarchy where women rule over men in the same manner men once ruled over women. A Matriarchy is the opposite of the patriarchy in that the patriarchy was oppressive to women and minorities. A Matriarchy strives for equality, fairness, justice and nurturing.
Everyone should be encouraged to go to school. All women ever needed in order to excel in education were equal access to educational opportunities. In a patriarchy system, men discouraged women from attending school and from entering the workforce. Women were told they could not compete with boys so they should learn homemaking skills which would come in handy when they got married. But once women overcame the patriarchal lies and once women were given equal access, women excelled in the classroom and today women are excelling in the boardrooms of business and in the halls of politics.
Women show their superiority by not following the same narrow-minded path of the old and dying patriarchal system. Women should encourage boys to attend school and to give it their all. A Matriarchal society would be a win/win society for both females and males. Society is better when boys excel in school and when males utilize their God-given talents and abilities. Hopefully, the success of women will challenge males to do better. Hopefully, boys will follow the example being set by the girls.
As far as your question about inheritance goes, that is another patriarchal tradition that should not continue under a Female-led society. All children, male and female, should get an equal share of an inheritance, not just the first-born. Matriarchy is about true equality. Most women love their children equally and could never choose a favorite. It is the male nature that would prefer one child over another based on gender or age. Women are best to lead because they’ll strive for real equality. Thanks for the interesting questions.
Q. I have a theory, and want your input on it. When I was in school, teachers, almost always female, held the authority. Anytime I caused a disruption or mischief, I was punished by a female authority figure (teacher). It seems to me that this is the root of the phenomenon (female domination) in my case. What, in your experience, is the root cause of the desire for the male to be dominated by the female?
A. Your observations are astute and contain some truth. However, it is overly simplistic to seek one ‘root cause’ for why men desire female domination. If you were to really boil it down to one thing it would be Nature, albeit Nature is very complex.
Women are the givers of life, thus every male that comes into the world must do so through the womb of a woman. His very existence is reliant upon her during those first nine months. Then, as a helpless infant, he relies on the motherly and nurturing character of the female disposition. This includes both nurturing and discipline. And what is discipline really? Is it not a form of teaching and training?
The school teacher is an important Female Authority Figure in a young male’s life. It is no coincidence that the vast majority of Pre-K, Kindergarten and Elementary teachers are female. Women are better equipped to raise, teach and nurture children. Again, that is a result of Nature (God, Creation, Natural Law). Women have the desire to teach children.
Nature also implants the seeds of submission within each male. A male’s interactions with Female Authority Figures play an important role in how those seeds are cultivated and how his sexuality is formed. Female teachers, female guardians, older sisters, and so forth all play a role. The male is being taught, instructed, trained, disciplined and nurtured by the female nature and those experiences will never leave him. A male child’s interactions with adult males and a female child’s interactions with adult males and adult females are totally different than a male child’s interactions with adult females because of the sexual aspects. Once again, this is all a part of Nature.
However, not every male has the same experiences, and therefore how those seeds are developed will vary greatly from male to male. There are so many factors from genetics to childhood experiences to adolescent experiences to teenage experiences to even adulthood experiences that make us who we are. It really is a combination of genetics + life experiences that equals our nature and our sexuality. Nature plants the seeds and sets the course. Our experiences and our decisions determine our destination. Take care.
Q. Ms Sutton, Giving in to the femdom lifestyle puts me, as a man, into dependence and control of my wife. This responds to my desires and maybe my vocation. In the long run I may give complete control to my wife. Control on my decisions, on my income, on everything. This is all fine if she remains caring and loving - what I personally believe. But what happens if our relationship deteriorates? It looks that I take an enormous risk, I'm completely vulnerable.
A. Getting married makes you vulnerable. When you took those vows and exchanged those rings and signed on the dotted line, you made yourself vulnerable to another person. Loving someone makes you vulnerable to another person. You can get hurt. But that is the price of love and that is why trust is so vital in a relationship.
When you accepted your current job or business dealings you made yourself vulnerable to others. You can be taken advantage of and you can be underappreciated and you can be treated unfairly. But you enter into these relationships and situations with a certain degree of trust and should things go badly, you take your lumps and learn from the experience and you grow as a person.
Your wife is not perfect and she will make mistakes but you are already vulnerable to her in many ways. Yet you trust her and the female domination lifestyle will be no different. Marriage was a risk, choosing your current profession was a risk. Life is full of risks and no guarantees. But finding that special someone whom you can trust and to whom you can submit far outweighs the risks. You don’t want to live a life of regrets. You don’t want to look back one day and regret not exploring this lifestyle in a deeper way with your wife because you were afraid. Yes, giving someone that kind of power can be risky but that is the power of submission. If it were not a sacrifice, it would not be submissively fulfilling.
It all comes back to trust. You trusted her when you married her. Now you desire to take the relationship to a deeper level, and that requires a deeper level of trust. I do wish you both all the best.
Q. Dear Elise, Hello I am Mistress Angie and I am new to the femdom world. My husband has admitted to being submissive and we have experimented with this concept. I have done some research and am concerned with the idea of torture to turn my husband into a slave. I love him and I don’t want our marriage to turn into just sex and torture sessions.
I have read the more the Mistress tortures the slave the more she needs to go further with the pain. I have seen pictures of slaves with needles and bruising on their bodies. This bothers me and I wonder how I can be a femdom and have a slave/husband without the brutality.
A. Angie, thank you for having the courage to write. I can tell that you are a beginner with many questions and misunderstandings. That’s Ok, because we all were beginners at one time.
You are confusing female domination within a loving, caring relationship (which is what I endorse) with hardcore S&M practices where a sadist interacts with a masochist. If you browse the internet long enough, you will see some hardcore stuff under the name ‘Female Domination’ but just ignore that stuff. Most of it is pornography targeted to a specific audience.
Within a FemDom relationship there may exist certain D&S activities such as discipline or corporal punishment but this is not torture. Think in terms of a parent who lovingly disciplines a child when you think about a wife who lovingly disciplines her husband. It may be more intense and severe when practiced by an adult woman on an adult male, but her motivation is to promote a healthy relationship based on sex, intimacy and love. To many adult males, the act of being disciplined is sexual, nurturing and emotionally fulfilling. The hardcore act you may see on a website between two people is not the same as a wife who disciplines her husband. So you must be able to separate the two in your mind.
BDSM practices can exist in a FemDom relationship but these are mutually agreed upon acts, so if you are uncomfortable with certain activities, you don’t have to partake of them. In the beginning, while you are learning, it is best to keep this lifestyle simple. The female domination lifestyle is about a man serving a woman. So think of this lifestyle in the terms of your husband doing that which pleases you. This can be both inside and outside the bedroom.
Such FemDom acts could consist of having him worship your body, having him giving you massages, having him orally servicing you sexually, feminizing him (dressing him in female attire such as lingerie), having him do the housework while he is feminized, spanking him with a hairbrush, shaving his pubic hair, placing him in chastity with a chastity device like the CB3000. There are all kinds of softer, more sensual ways a woman can dominate a man but it all boils down to what you enjoy. Remember, he exists to bring you pleasure. You are in charge.
So don’t become overwhelmed when you see the hardcore stuff on the internet. Female domination is not about torture. It is about a man serving a woman and a woman dominating him with love. As you grow, you may desire to try new and more advanced activities but for now, relax and have fun while the two of you explore this lifestyle together. Take care.
Q. Dear Elise, I wanted to ask your opinion on something. I've browsed through your site and I agree with much of your philosophy on loving female authority. The one issue that I'm having trouble with is the practice of cuckolding a man. While I can see how when properly introduced it can bring added benefits to a marriage, I can't seen to get past the question of how the wife can continue to have respect for the husband.
My best friend is in a marriage where she is very much the dominant partner and has in fact cuckolded her husband a couple of times during their marriage.
We've been friends since college and have had countless discussions on marital relations and it was she who steered me to your site. Again, I understand logically how the whole thing works, but I can't help but have this "Oh, poor guy" feeling whenever I see him. He's a great neighbor and a good husband.
My friend says that she has an incredible amount of respect for him, more now in fact than she did when they were dating. She thinks my apprehension is more a matter of it being such a radical concept to me that a woman has the right to see other men within a marriage. She uses as an example the fact that my mother-in-law, who is very old fashioned, had a cow when she found out that I wasn't going to take my husband's last name when we married. She's always been civil to me, but she still to this day addresses any letters or cards to us as Mr. & Mrs. "husband's full name".
Can you give me your take on the matter? Is there something more to it or am I too just a little old fashioned?
A. Cuckolding is a growing practice within the large FemDom tent, which consists of many different lifestyles where the woman dominates the man. There is no question that the growing practice of cuckolding is a further reflection on how the traditional roles of the sexes are changing within society. Nevertheless, cuckolding is not for everyone.
You are being a little old-fashioned but there is nothing wrong with being old-fashioned when those old-fashion values jive with your conscience. Just because some values are old-fashioned does not make them out of fashion. What is most important is that you keep an open mind and that you don’t judge others who decide to make lifestyle choices that differ from your own.
You pity your friend’s husband because you are evaluating their relationship through your own moral compass which is based on your personal convictions when it comes to marriage. For you, cuckolding may not be an option because you cannot reconcile it with how you feel about the marriage relationship. But for your friend, her lifestyle choice works for her because she has a different attitude and outlook. She has been able to reconcile cuckolding with a loving marriage because she views it as a necessary social change as well as a power exchange within her marriage. Cuckolding is an extension of her dominance over her husband and that dominance causes them to bond together on a deep level. That is why she is being honest when she says that she loves him more today than she did when they were dating.
Therefore, there is no need to pity her husband. There are lots of men that would love to trade places with him. The cuckolding lifestyle works for your friend and her husband. However, that does not mean it would work for you, and that is why you must not allow anyone to pressure you into doing something that does not feel right to you.
When you kept your last name when you got married, that was a moral decision you made which was compatible with your values and your conscience. You made a societal statement that fit within the framework of your values and you did not care what others in society thought about it, such as your mother-in-law. Your friend was able to make a similar decision when it comes to cuckolding but that does not mean you must embrace it. You have to live your life according to your own conscience so if cuckolding makes you uncomfortable, I would advise that you don’t explore it.
It comes down to what you believe and what works for your marriage. You are not your friend and your marriage is not her marriage and your husband is not her husband. That is why you must listen to that voice of your spirit and you must communicate with your husband about these issues. For in the end, you have to live with your decisions so pursue that which feels right. You can’t live according to your mother-in-law’s values and you cannot live according to your friend’s values. You must live according to your values.
Cuckolding is a growing practice but many FemDom couples choose not to engage in it. The FemDom tent is a large tent with many lifestyles and practices, so embrace that which fits your marriage, your lifestyle and your values. Always be open minded and it never hurts to explore new activities and it never hurts to push the envelope which can produce personal growth. However, in order to have inner peace and happiness, we must be mindful of that voice within, our conscience which is our moral compass. Take care.
Q. Elise, let me first say how much I have enjoyed your website and how much it has helped me. Three months ago I met someone on-line on a dating service and he is a submissive male looking for a mistress/dominatrix. I had never been exposed to this lifestyle and at first it scared me a little. He sent me your website and it immediately put me at ease as some of the other websites he sent me caused me to back off a little.
He is 10 years younger then I am, I am 42 and he is 32 but when I am with him I feel 20. The sexual chemistry is very high between us and I just need to find a way to get comfortable in doing all of the things I want to do, as well as what he wants. He wants to be my slave, and wants me to take a dominate role. I am extremely dominant in my business life, and even at home but sexually more traditional roles. We have bought all kinds of things such as bondage equipment, a collar, pony gear, etc.
We want to do some role-playing. One of the scenarios we talked about was me interviewing him for a job. Our roles would be that I am a high powered executive and rich, and he is applying for a job. He wants me to talk down to him as if I view him as inferior. Can you help me with a job interview scenario for a slave that will get he and I both really hot?
A. I would first suggest that you read my advice in past Q&A forums where I talked about how the woman has the power in the dating process. Build the friendship first and make sure that the D&S primarily exists in the domestic prior to the sexual. This is especially important when meeting a man on-line. Don’t allow him to pressure you into sexual D&S before you are ready. Having said that, you are both adults so if you feel you are ready to explore some role-playing, that is your call.
You asked about helping you with a Female Executive/job interviewee role-playing scenario. Have you looked at my site under the "Creative Role Playing Scenarios"? On the first page, number four is a Boss/employee scenario submitted by a woman named Amanda. Perhaps you can use that and change it to fit your personality. There are some great ideas on those pages for some FemDom role-playing sessions.
Above all, have fun and enjoy each other as you explore this lifestyle. The only pressure is the pressure we place on ourselves. Best wishes.
Q. Dear Ms Sutton, I have had submissive feelings for a long while and was stunned when I came across your site, because it made a lot of sense for me. Like many of your readers, I decided some three months ago to adopt many of the practices you recommend in “How to Introduce Your Wife”. I have been taking things slowly and following a number of your suggestions to the letter, with excellent results. My wife has been receiving regular foot rubs, I am doing the dishes and washing and she has decided to take over control of the finances (and I might add that our bank balance has doubled in three months!).
I already enjoyed going down on her when we are making love, but now I make sure that I do so as a matter of course. I’ve also told her that her pleasure means more to me than my own, and that I actually achieve greater fulfillment when she is satisfied and the ensuing intimacy that it brings.
I was in a shop the other day and came across a beautiful leather skirt and bought it for her. It’s not something she’d normally wear, but I remembered reading the “buy her leather” advice somewhere and just couldn’t resist. Anyway, her growing dominance has become more apparent to me as the weeks have passed. She has become very direct about our social plans on the weekends, with it being clear that we will do what she wants. A fortnight ago we went out for dinner and after a few drinks she wanted to go dancing so we went to a nightclub. I was amazed at how openly she flirted with the other men there and danced very seductively with a number of them.
Afterwards we made very passionate love and it was a great evening, but I was a little scared at how far her awakened dominant feelings might take her. However, the question that I have is – where do we go now?
I have not told my wife of my submissive feelings, but I know she sees me as “passive” as she has commented on it. I am concerned that she will think I have been manipulating her if I tell her that I’ve been pursuing an agenda in awakening her dominance (even though she already was a dominant woman in many respects). I don’t want to spoil things.
A. Actions speak no much louder than words. Who says you must ‘tell her’ about your submissive feelings at this time? It seems to me that she is figuring it out on her own as you are putting action to your desires. You are seducing her dominant nature and she is beginning to blossom. So why throw a monkey-wrench into the works? Keep doing what you are doing, and add to it with more servitude and more submissive acts. Allow her time to grow and allow her to bring up subjects in her own way and in her own time.
You should tell her about certain aspects of your submissive nature when the subject comes up naturally. Don’t push it on her but instead, keep showing her through your actions. Who knows, she may bring up a subject to you that might afford you the opportunity to suggest that she read my book or my site. But don’t force the issue.
One final point I’d like to address is where you said you are becoming scared at her growth. Why? This is what you wanted, and you know it, so don’t become double-minded and don’t allow your insecurities to stunt her growth. You are feeding her nature with your submission so don’t work both sides against each other by trying to maintain some control. She will sense that. Don’t go down this path unless you really want to travel this road. This is not a game so don’t seduce her dominant nature unless you are serious about her embracing her dominant nature.
I receive too many letters from women who get frustrated at their husbands resisting their authority when they were introduced to this lifestyle by their husbands in the first place, some of them practically begging their wives to take control. So be careful what you wish for and be mindful of the wheels you put in motion. I do wish you and your wife a prosperous FemDom marriage.
Q. I have just finished reading your book "Female Domination." It's very enjoyable to read and you make the case for the endless benefits of femdom. I look forward to your next book. Keep them coming.
I have one observation which I also noticed sometimes in your answers to your reader’s questions. In the book you refer to the story of Jeremy which was a traumatic femdom experience and you give it as an example of how reality may not match up to fantasy, which can be true. But reality can also surpass fantasy.
You warn against toilet sex (the ingesting of brown showers) yet there are examples where this has been done successfully. In your warnings against such practices you even mentioned that you know a woman who engages in this activity with her husband and he has yet to encounter any health problems.
The same thing happened when a woman wrote to you that her husband wanted her to stand on his face while she toweled off after a shower. You suggested that she shouldn’t stand directly on his face and gave her alternative postures. The problem with giving cautious advice is that the submissive male can download video clips from other femdom sites showing clearly whatever activity you caution against being done safely and without any danger! I've seen clips showing face standing with minimum support and other practices (like toilet sex) done to perfection without any negative consequences. In these video clips, there were no special effects or tricks, just people doing what you caution against, which proves these acts can be done and done safely.
I understand the need to be cautious in the advice you give because people hold you in such high esteem, but wouldn't it be better to state the standard disclaimer that the advice is not intended to be professional (as you do on the home page) and the standard caution that any BDSM practice must be safe, sane and consensual? Wouldn’t it be better to tell folks who ask you that they should take the necessary precautions and do their homework before attempting any new activity which has a dangerous potential?
A. How do you know what you see on those video clips are done to perfection without negative long-term results? This is especially true with toilet sex because you would not see any long-term health related problems on a video clip. All may look fine but you can’t see or know what (if any) long-term problems might occur due to the sexual practices being presented in a video clip.
My word of caution about toilet sex (scat play, ingesting brown showers) is that you may get away with unhealthy practices one time or two times or ten times but a lifestyle of unhealthy practices will eventually catch up with you. Smoking one cigarette on one occasion will not harm you but a lifestyle of smoking over a long period of time can kill you. One cigarette will not harm you but the government still places warning labels on the packages because they know one time can become many times which will become a lifestyle.
The same goes when someone asks me for my opinion. It would be irresponsible not to tell people of the potential dangers. That does not mean some people will not beat the odds by practicing these controversial activities without experiencing any harmful results. Some people smoke cigarettes for sixty years without developing cancer or lung disease. But the statistics show that many will, therefore the government places the warning label on the package. They do not ban people from smoking, they warn them of the potential negative consequences and allow free people to make their own decision.
The same goes with my cautious advice. I am not saying you can’t engage in these activities, I am sure you can find plenty of women (Pro Doms or lifestyle Doms) that will agree to engage in these activities. And why not? The Doms are not taking the risk, you as the sub are taking the risk, and you are free to do so, but when asked my opinion, I am obligated to be like that warning label on the cigarette package and inform you that this is considered a risky activity. You still get to decide what you do with your body but I am always perplexed why someone would risk their health in order to fulfill a sexual fantasy? Especially when there are so many other activities which can be substituted and have a similar psychological effect on the submissive nature, yet be a safer practice (such as my recommendations on how to engage in trampling without stepping on the areas of the body where the skeletal structure is fragile).
I will grant you that we all ignore warnings in life about the food we eat and our lifestyle choices, and we all at times engage in activities that might not be the safest or healthiest because of the thrill and excitement factor. I am always telling people that if you are overly cautious in life, you will miss out on living life. However, there is a difference between being wise and being foolish. We need to know the risks and we need to become educated about these practices. It is up to each one of us to educate ourselves prior to engaging in any sort of endeavor, practice or lifestyle choice. I would hope that no one is so foolish that they would take what they read on an Internet site (mine included) as gospel. My advice is truly based on my opinion which comes from my life experiences. It is up to each person to educate themselves and make their own decisions.
Life requires that balance of risk taking and cautious living. The overly cautious person greatly limits themselves. On the other hand, the person who throws caution to the wind, even when common sense and logic dictates a more cautious approach, does so at their own peril.
I am not a cautious person, by any stretch of the word, but I try to be wise in a dangerous world. Do you walk the streets at night alone in high crime neighborhoods? Do you have unprotected sex with strangers? Do you drive a motorcycle without a helmet? You can be a risk taker but also minimize the risk by using common sense. Educate yourself about these activities and always play safe.
This lifestyle can be adventuresome, wild and exciting but it only works when people stay grounded in reality. The imagination is limitless, thus fantasies are not bound by physical restrictions. But our bodies are confined by this physical world. Therefore we must be wise about our physical limitations. A video clip can capture the essence of a fantasy but that does not mean it translates to reality. The saying “it can only happen in the movies” is true. So don’t base your FemDom lifestyle on what you witness on video clips.
Seize life, make the most out of your opportunities, and above all, find that special woman whom you can serve and serve her to the best of your ability. It is Ok to be a risk taker but never surrender common sense and never engage in any activity that is not safe. My advice to you is to ask a reputable health care worker about the activities you mentioned and get a professional opinion. You can call the Center of Disease Control or the AIDS hotline and ask anonymous questions. Contact your local BDSM organization and ask them. I think you will find an overwhelming consensus that these are high risk activities, especially the toilet sex. That does not mean you might not get away with engaging in these activities one time or two times or ten times but if you play Russian Roulette often enough, eventually the chamber will contain that fatal bullet. Best wishes.
Q. Let me start to say, that I really agree with everything you say – also on the strap-on. Nevertheless I do always ask one thing: Why do women, who are conscience of their being superior to the male, love so much the strap-on as a sign of strength and domination, which is itself the sign of the male ego and male strength. I do find it myself really humiliating, and I love the look of a Domina with strap-on .
Why exactly does the sign of maledom have to be sign of strength of the superior woman? I want to say, that exactly the strong evidence of your words and the inner logic of the whole philosophy so to say caused this question. It is the only thing I do not yet understand.
Ms Sutton, I thank you for everything you do – you helped my Mistress and me, as well as many others to understand and live better the loving D/S relationship. Thank you, and all the best.
A. Thanks for the nice comments. If you have read my book you would better understand the psychology behind the strap-on. I devoted an entire chapter to strap-on play in my book. Seeing this is the only thing you do not yet understand, allow me to post an excerpt from my book, “Female Domination”. Hopefully this will enlighten you.
“One of the biggest advancements in the female domination lifestyle has been the invention of the strap-on dildo. This activity has done more to liberate women than perhaps the whip or paddle ever did. Why? Because of the social and psychological implications of strap-on play. Now the woman is the one wielding the former symbol of male superiority. Now the woman is the one who is the giver while the male becomes the receiver.
Strap-on play is sex of the psyches. Why do women love it so? That is a great and an important question. The rubber phallus strapped around the waist of a woman is an inanimate object. Thus, unless the woman purchases the type of harness that can stimulate her at the same time, she is feeling little to no physical pleasure during strap-on play. Yet, many women love doing it because of the mental stimulation and the mental pleasure that it provides for them. There is an incredible power exchange that takes place during this activity and the mental stimulation usually exceeds any rush that physical pleasure can provide. It makes for great sexual foreplay for the woman.
Women find this activity liberating for the social statement that it makes. Strap-on play strips the man of his masculinity and macho ways and usually causes the man to surrender his strength and his will over to his female aggressor. A woman can sense her man giving up resistance and she senses him melting into submission. This is an incredible power rush to the woman. Also, the effects of this activity usually last for some time. The man who submits to this activity has a hard time being macho around his dominant wife. He is usually meek and submissive to her outside of the bedroom after this activity.
Strap-on play is a power exchange and it has nothing to do with homosexuality or women wanting to be men. Quite the contrary, this activity is about the empowering of women as they unleash another level of their previously dormant power. Strap-on play between a woman and a man is about psychological sex as it is the mental stimulation that causes both parties to issue that all important power exchange.
The submissive man is feeling a combination of sexual stimulation, discomfort, and humiliation during strap-on sex. He now knows that what he used to place so much worth on (namely his penis) is no longer a tool to conqueror women but now the tables have been turned and the female has stripped this symbol of masculinity from him and is now using it against him. The woman is telling the man that she is not impressed with the male penis and that she can buy one that is bigger to pleasure herself and she can even use it as a tool to enslave the male gender. Strap-on play is not so much about sex as it is about mental domination. What was once a symbol of man's conquest of the female is now being used by the female to prove to the male her superiority.”
