Q&A Forum - January 2012 (The best of Elise)

Q. Dear Elise, about a week ago I saw a program on the "Discovery Channel" which explored sex and desire among men and women.  The most interesting segment was one that dealt with the state of a woman's sexual desire when she was ovulating.  In this study, it was found that when a woman is ovulating, she has an increased desire to be in the company of a physically strong, attractive and macho male.  Conversely, it was found that when not ovulating, a woman desires the company of a more passive, gentle male. 

Based on this information, do you feel that this helps to explain that Cuckolding is just a natural progression in a Femdom relationship?  And do you believe that by feminizing the husband, the wife re-enforces this passive mindset, making it easier for him to accept her desire to take other lovers? It seems to me that Cuckolding and Feminization go "hand in hand". Could you please comment on this?

A. I understand the premise of your question and the conclusions of the study you cited are shared by a number of people in academia, both inside and outside of the FemDom lifestyle. It is believed by some that 25 days or so in a monthly cycle, a woman wants her mate to be passive, submissive and obedient to her. But during those few days when she is ovulating, she wants her mate to be more aggressive. This may be particularly true with younger women who are fertile.

For clarification, allow me to provide a brief science lesson. Ovulating means that a woman is physically able to have a baby. Her body produces an egg once every month and the egg is made in the part of her reproductive system called the ovary. The eggs produced here are released into what's called fallopian tubes. If she has sex, then the man's sperm might meet up with the egg. If the egg cannot be fertilized with sperm, then the egg will continue traveling down the fallopian tube into the woman’s uterus.  If the egg continues to go unfertilized, her body flushes it out during menstruation. This process happens once a month.

It is thought by some that Nature’s way produces a more intense desire within women to have sex when she is ovulating. That may or may not be true but regardless, it is doubtful that she exclusively desires a macho male during this time of the month. The study you refer to assumes that a woman wants to be “fucked” when she is ovulating and a patriarchy society equates a woman’s desire to be fucked with a desire to be dominated, i.e. the macho male. I do not agree with this notion.

A woman might desire to be penetrated by a male penis, but the nature or temperament of the male would make little difference. If this were true, few women would ever get married. They would primarily only fuck aggressive men but during the rest of the month, they would fight and argue with the macho male for failing to be passive and submissive. This no doubt does happen in some relationships and that is why a person should never get married purely for sex. Most of the time a woman falls for a man due to his inner nature. Love and romance are spiritual in nature and cannot be measured in a biological study. 

There is little doubt that some young women are drawn to macho, aggressive males based purely on sexual desires. But most women believe they can tame a macho male and make him passive and submissive toward her in the social and domestic areas of life. All seems to go well during the dating process if sex is taking place because the sexual power of the female tames the male and causes him to be passive and submissive. But this is short-lived unless the female understands exactly what is transpiring. Most young women are in for a rude awakening at some point, as they just assume a man will always be so agreeable and obedient. They fail to understand that during the courtship, the female is in the dominant position thanks to her sexual power. But unless the young female realizes the power she possesses (and most do not), she will yield to the patriarchal traditions and allow the male to be the dominant partner. Thus the spell is broken and the aggressive male will revert back to his ways of being difficult, rebellious and macho.

This is why the more mature woman is more open to FemDom. She has enough experience with the male gender to realize that she cannot give him the authority. For the aggressive nature of man that may be sexually appealing to a young woman is also the downfall of society, as male aggression untamed can be destructive on many levels. This is especially true in a relationship where the issues of life begin to interfere with the intimacy. For most couples, sex occurs less and less due to the challenges of life (finances, children, careers, etc) and the female begins to resent her lot in life, as she cannot figure out what happened to the obedient man she dated. The wise woman comes to understand that a man needs to be sexually dominated inside the bedroom so that he will be easily controlled outside the bedroom.

Your take on cuckolding is interesting. Some women are sexually attracted to “the well-endowed stud” but have no desire to have a relationship with such a man. There was a recent study that revealed that women wanted to be fucked by the Brad Pitts of the world but they prefer Ray Romano types for a spouse. Women like men who are funny, submissive and reliable for a mate. But they fantasize about a sexual fling with a stud. Cuckolding would seem to present a woman with the potential to have both. However, this works in theory better than it does in practicality.

The husband must be of the sexual make-up where he enjoys being cuckolded on some mental and submissive level, and the lover must be willing to be second fiddle to the husband. There are marriages where this works but this works only after much exploration through the FemDom lifestyle. All parties must be secure in their roles and this does not happen casually but only through deep D&S exploration, especially between a wife and her husband.

I do agree that for the woman, some of the appeal of feminizing her husband is to make him more passive and docile, and thus easier to train and control. This has been discussed in past Q&A forums as well as in my book. But this lifestyle takes on so many different variations based on the many different desires of the people involved. Cuckolding and Feminization easily co-exist within some FemDom marriages but there are also many FemDom marriages that incorporate one but not the other. There are many wives who feminize their husbands but never cuckold them and there are wives who cuckold their husbands but never feminize them. And of course there are many FemDom couples that never utilize either one of these practices.

Studies reveal patterns, trends and commonalities but people are unique so it is impossible to pigeon-hole the sexual desires of people. In the past, the patriarchy has tried to do this by saying that men should be on top during intercourse (the missionary position) and that is the only acceptable way to have sex. But people are free spirits and adventuresome. Sexuality encompasses more than just the need to satisfy biological needs and animalistic urges. Sex is mental and spiritual as well as being physical. D&S and FemDom explore the mental and the spiritual sides of sex. This opens the door to all kinds of exploration and application. 

Thanks for the interesting question.

Q. Dear Ms Sutton, What on earth is going to be the future of the male sex? Women are getting all of the good jobs because they are smarter, network better and have the pulse of the times. They are mentally, physically, sexually, socially, spiritually, and will soon be our financial Superiors.

A fascinating BBC science program entitled "The Future is Female" states that very shortly males won't be needed for reproduction as invetro fertilization grows in popularity. They also state that it's possible for Females to impregnate their own eggs in certain species, and that this might be a future development in human Females with some slight genetic tinkering.

Also, sperm production in males has declined by 40% in the last 50 Years and many scientists are suggesting that males should have their sperm frozen now, to avoid future problems if the trend continues.

What then becomes of males? Will we be barefoot in the kitchen? Domestic slaves and sexual servants? I am not asking a fantasy question; I am honestly wondering what my life will be like in 20 years.

A. Well, the future is definitely female but I think you are exaggerating a little about the plight of the male gender. There is no doubt that society is evolving into a female dominated society but this process is a slow, steady process. This societal evolution is increasing each year, both in force and in speed, but men are in no immediate danger of becoming obsolete. The human soul and the human spirit will prevent men from becoming obsolete. Most women desire to have men around. Always remember, whether you are a man or a woman, that you are valuable as a person, an individual miracle, with your own unique DNA that sets you apart from all others. You have gifts, talents and abilities that will be needed by the women in your life.

Then there are the emotional issues that cause women to desire male companionship. Sex will always be the preferred way to produce children because of love and romance. I believe that Lesbianism will increase in the future but not to the point of making the male gender sexually unnecessary. It takes a woman and a man to create a child so Nature will continue to drive women and men together sexually and emotionally.

Women are coming into power and I believe that one day in the not too distant future, women will hold the majority of authoritative and supervisory positions but men will still be needed to work for them. Women will own more and more companies and women will hire other women for the good paying, management and supervisory positions, as women will earn these positions through their continued excellence in higher education. But men will still be needed as men have talents and skills that women will need to utilize. The majority of physical and muscle jobs will always be held by men. Men also have a great aptitude in Math and Science. Women are fair and will hire those that deserve the position. There will be no glass ceiling for men who deserve to advance and there will be no more good old boys network where you get ahead in business by being able to play a good round of golf. Women are business savvy and women will reward diligence and excellence.

There will be an ever increasing number of househusbands but most of these men will have dual duties, to work outside the home to provide additional income and to work inside the home to do the domestic chores around the house. Nature has given the superior gender the most important task of keeping the human race from becoming instinct through childbirth. Women give birth to children and thus women will always desire to nurture the children they carried within their wombs. Most women will not allow the male gender to raise the future generations. Men are very capable of assisting in this task but only with the proper supervision from the female.

All of this is beginning to happen in our lifetime but no one can predict the future. All we can do is examine the trends and forecast where they are heading. We know by the trends that the future is female and that women will be the dominant gender in just about every area of life. But how far this societal evolution goes in your lifetime remains yet to be seen.

You cannot change societal evolution and you cannot predict the future. But you can control your own destiny by the choices you make today. What good will a female dominated future do for you if you live a male dominated existence? You need to be concerned about the here and now. You need to ensure that your life is a female dominated life and that your world is a female dominated world by serving the women in your life with eagerness and humility. Regardless what goes on in the world around you, you can serve the women at your workplace, you can serve your future wife around the house and you can serve the female gender as a whole through genuine submission.

Do not fear the future but embrace it. Celebrate the fact that you are a submissive male by serving the female gender to your uttermost ability. Whether you are in a current relationship with a woman now or will be later, you need to serve her with all of your strength and ability. Love her, obey her, and strive to make her life happy. If you will do that, than your future will not only be female but also fulfilling. Take care.

Q. Hi, ever since I was a young girl, I was taught that males and females were equal, with a few differences. But as I grew older, my observations of reality told me something very different. Yet I continued to believe, or tried to believe that men and women were really equal to each other.

I almost felt guilty for feeling that women were superior but what I observed was that girls were way ahead of boys. We were smarter, worked harder and got the top grades in school. As I grew older and developed more, I also learned very quickly about the sexual power I have over men. Still, in public, I would declare equality, but in private, and especially in conversations with my g/f's, there was never any doubt that we were superior to the guys. Now I see a new generation of young women who don't even try to pretend. They say it and do it.

Now in my early thirties, I am dating a man I hope to marry. Our conversations about this topic have mostly been about how great it is that women and men now have the same opportunities. But there have been some incidents recently that caused some embarrassment about the issue.

One day after work, I began commenting on my workplace and the changes taking place. I told him how the women were doing so well at work, how the women were taking over the top positions and how the women were smart, in charge, and attractive. I then noticed he had a full erection as I was telling him this. I know him, and he was clearly aroused. But he was also embarrassed. I was startled, but reading your site helps to explain a little.

I am also very athletic, and have frequently competed against men. I notice that they try very hard to beat me, but when I win, they often get an erection. This is especially true of my boyfriend. Whether it is a board game or tennis, he clearly gets aroused when I beat him. He is embarrassed but we never talk about it.

My questions are: Why are we both embarrassed and how do we get past that? And is it common for men to get aroused when a woman out performs them in business or in sports?

Thank you very much and I wish you continued success with your life.

A. When women display dominance in what have been traditionally male dominated areas (business, sports, etc), the submissive nature of man is touched and stirred and this sexually excites the male. Deep down inside, men know that women are superior to them and deep down inside men want women to dominate them. The male nature desires to be in submission to women. Powerful, successful, aggressive and dominant women bring out the submissive nature in men.

However, the male gender has been programmed by the patriarchal system that men should be the dominant gender. So men are raised believing they are more intelligent, more athletic, and superior to women. Combine this with the competitive nature in males and you get a male ego that is inflated with a false sense of superiority.

From the time they are boys, males will compete for supremacy in sports, games and any type of competition where there are winners and losers. Men want to win because their ego feeds on it. It only gets worse when they become adults. They may no longer play board games but they are competitive in business and they take the same winners/losers approach, as they try to vanquish their rivals so they can inflate their ego. This male need for conquest has heaped pain and suffering on the world around them. Wars are fought and lives are destroyed all in the male quest to satisfy the male ego. The business world has become a war zone as companies eat up weaker companies all in the name of male conquest.

Men associate themselves with sports teams (college, pro and even high school) as sports become an extension of war. The fight to be number one corrupts the purity of healthy athletic competition, as the male ego must be the best. Win at all costs becomes the goal, not the virtues of teamwork and sportsmanship. The appeal and the following of male professional sports, college sports and high school sports are to satisfy the male ego to be number one. Women sports are very competitive but they do not enjoy the same fanatical following as male sports because they are void of the male ego. Men gain their worth and pride from being number one, be it an endeavor that they participate in personally or be it from a team to whom they pledge their alliance.  

Yet, nature has planted the seeds in man for the desire to submit to the so-called weaker gender, the female. The male ego will not admit it but the true nature of man knows that women are not the weaker sex but in fact are superior. That is the law of nature and men have fought that reality since the beginning of human history. So these two forces often clash within the male psyche. It is a battle between the male submissive nature and the fragile male ego.

Your boyfriend’s erection is the result of this submissive nature expressing itself. He can run but he cannot hide from the truth of who he is and what he wants. He wants women to rule him and specifically, he wants you to dominate him. When you beat him in a game or in sports, his ego takes a blow but his submissive nature likes it. He wants you to defeat him so his ego is weakened, which will allow his submissive nature to be freed. Every time a woman defeats him and every time he hears about women defeating men, it substantiates to him what his nature has been telling him. Namely, that society is evolving toward female dominance.

His embarrassment is a result of his male ego. He doesn’t want you to know that he wants to be dominated. The patriarchy has sold him a lie so he thinks it is a sign of weakness when a woman defeats a man or when a woman excels in a so-called man’s world. He is ashamed of his erection because it tells you what his mouth dare not tell you. His erection tells you the truth about what he desires. He desires for you to dominate him. He desires for women to rule. He believes that women are superior and he likes it because that is nature’s way. His ego prevents him from verbalizing and his ego prevents him from admitting this but his erection is his nature being expressed without the censorship of his ego.
You get past this by taking charge. He wants you to take charge and he wants his submissive nature to be freed. His ego needs to be put in its place and only you can do that. So go to him and tell him how you really feel. No more pretending and no more trying to conform to the patriarchy. If you believe that women are superior, tell your boyfriend this and I guarantee you he will get an erection, as he will become overwhelmed with the strongest submissive feeling of his life. Tell him that you are taking control of his life and that from here on out, you are in charge of the relationship. His ego may fight you a little but his submissive nature will overwhelm his ego. He will be unable to resist your female power. Best wishes.

Q. Dear Ms. Sutton, I discovered Your website a few months ago and purchased Your book for my Queen.  Although we are not young, we are both new and eager to explore the Female/male relationship.

I notice a lot of the Women on Your website not only practice long term male chastity, but also don't allow intercourse.  We haven't yet discussed the use of dildos in lieu of conventional intercourse, but I would like to offer this as an alternative in the event She wants to experience both penetration and keeping me confined at the same time. 

I wanted Your opinion on whether You view the use of a dildo as further submission of the male to the woman?

A. I love it when my husband uses a dildo on me while he is denied the right to enter me. There are many components to this sexual activity. First, it reminds him that sex is for the woman’s pleasure, as I am being ravished and he is being denied.

Second, it is a form of humiliation as my dildo is much bigger than his penis and I can see the embarrassment on his face as he takes the large dildo in his hand and uses it on me. He is amazed that I can take all of it and it definitely humiliates him, which excites him and takes him to subspace.

Third, the large dildo provides a sensation that his penis cannot by having him orally pleasing me by stimulating my clit with his tongue while he is penetrating me with the dildo. This usually causes me my greatest orgasms as I am being physically stimulated in both places simultaneously, while my dominant nature is being stimulated with the fact that he is working hard to bring me pleasure while he is receiving none.

So all of these dynamics come into play when a man pleasures his Queen with her toys. He has to work very hard and it takes endurance on his part as he uses one hand for the dildo, one hand to stimulate one of my nipples and he has to concentrate as he orally pleasures me, all at the same time. This can cause a woman a mind-blowing orgasm and can cause the man to sink deep into a submissive state of mind. Do this to your Queen and she may never allow you to enter her again. Take care.

Q. Elise, I agree with your philosophy that women should be in charge of men. My husband showed me your site and I especially enjoy your Female Supremacy Articles section which shows mainstream research proving that women are the superior gender. You have done a marvelous job and have created a wonderful resource.

However, I am not comfortable with your Real Stories section or most of your Q&A forum because it mostly deals with D&S and the sexual side of Female Authority. I feel a man should submit to his wife just because she is a female. She should not have to wear leather or become the object of his fantasies by dressing like a Dominatrix and branding a whip. Sex should be on the woman’s terms and if I want traditional sex (along with him orally servicing me) he should submit to what I want. If I want him to do all the housework, he should obey me without question.

To me, that is real Female Supremacy. The D&S is for the man and if I do that, he is getting what he wants and that puts me in the submissive role if I agree to engage in his fantasies. Do you see my point?

A. Yes, I understand your position but I must respectfully disagree with you assessment. What you fail to take into account in your equation is the male submissive nature. The D&S builds intimacy and transports the man to that submissive zone. This is a place where the female rules supreme as it encompasses not only the physical but also the mental and the spiritual.

A wife is a man’s authority figure but a wife is not a man’s mother. Therefore, to assign chores and bark out commands with no D&S exploration or deep intimacy will not touch a man’s submissive nature. You have to motivate a man by discovering and utilizing a man’s submissive triggers. This is where the D&S and the FemDom in the bedroom comes into play.

Those triggers are not necessarily leather and whips. They could be, but those triggers could be many different activities that are discussed on this site. Not only is this beneficial to the male as far a motivating him to serve the woman’s needs outside the bedroom but it is also beneficial to the woman as her sexuality may discover many hidden desires that she had no idea existed. Exploration and D&S can open the female to a sexuality that goes way beyond traditional sex. The woman may discover areas of her nature she had no idea existed and her sexual fulfillment may reach levels she never dared dreamed of. D&S is not just about a man’s fantasies but it is also about a woman opening herself to her own sexual desires and dominant urges.

So next time, don’t look at a D&S session from your husband’s perspective but rather focus on it from your perspective. Relax with it and have fun. Allow that Tigress within to become unleashed and go with it. Relish in your power and explore your female power. Notice the effect your sexual power has on your husband. Flaunt it, celebrate it, and embrace it. Traditional sex is a wonderful foundation to build upon but now it is time to redecorate and to remodel your relationship.

Yes, a man’s attitude should be to please his Queen no matter what transpired the night before. I agree that the true heart of a submissive man is to make his wife happy and fulfilled. But never lose sight of the fact that a man needs to be trained and that process can be fun and exciting. Doing household chores can be mundane as there is nothing exciting about folding laundry. But place a pair of panties on your hubby or perhaps insert a butt plug up his ass and all of a sudden, doing the laundry becomes an exciting D&S activity.

Have fun as you rule your hubby with loving female authority. Make all interactions a win/win scenario and both of you will be fulfilled and you will enjoy a close and happy relationship. I wish you all the best in your growth.

Q. Dear Goddess Elise, First of all, I would like to thank You in advance for allowing me this opportunity to ask Your help regarding a problem I'm having with impotency. But if I may, I would like to tell You a little bit about myself and my thoughts pertaining to this. I am a 45 yo straight, submissive white male living in the Chicago area and am healthy for the most part. Of course, I did have periods where I was under a lot of stress, but am usually an upbeat person. For the past 5 years however, I've noticed that I am no longer able to achieve or maintain full "erections", thus putting my love life on hold.

When I was in my early twenties, I met a young Lady who after discovering my foot fetish and desire to worship Her feet, used this information to turn me into what She really wanted - an oral slave. For the next 3 years, this Lady took control and "trained" me to Her satisfaction. For the most part, it always ended up with me on my back and tightly secured to the bed while She took Her place upon my face and made me perform orally for hours on end. In fact, She once sat on me for almost 5 hrs. straight one night without ever getting off except to shift a little to give me air.

She often teased about making me service some of Her close Girlfriends in this way but she never did, although one time she did talk to one of them on the phone while sitting on me and told Her everything I was doing! They laughed and joked about my being a slave.

Now some 20 yrs. later, it seems the only time I do achieve somewhat of an erection is when I am being face sat, humiliated and degraded under a Female bottom or reading stories that deal with similar themes like what I experienced in real life.

Also, I forgot to mention that my sperm output is practically nothing. Everything feels fine when I reach climax, but I only produce a few drops about the size of a dime and it just dribbles out of me. I went to my Dr. who referred me to an Urologist and I was told that this is normal for someone my age and that there is nothing to worry about. He said it will restore itself in time and gave me some samples of Viagra, which helped to achieve a semi - erection, but I couldn't maintain a full one, at least not for long.

I feel like I was brainwashed to view myself as nothing but a piece of furniture for Women to sit on and use for endless oral servitude. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about that and wouldn't want it any other way, but I feel this is something mental, that I can't tell my Dr. about. This has cost me two relationships in the past 2 years. They felt like I wasn't interested in them anymore and even asked if I was gay! What should I do....can You help?

A. In a past Q&A forum I answered a question from a man who could only become erect when worshipping his wife’s feet. You might want to go back and read my answer to his question.

As I said to him, the mind is the greatest sex organ and your sexuality has developed in such a way that you only become stimulated to the point of erection when a woman is using you. As I explained to the man with the foot fetish, it is the sight, touch, smell and the representation of the act that goes into your brain and your programming within your brain reacts to the data it receives and sends the stimulation to your penis. This is who you are sexually. There is no need to be ashamed as the desire to be used sexually by a woman is rooted in man’s desire for female domination and man’s recognition of the supremacy of women. You like to be humbled and you enjoy being lowly in the presence of a woman. The manifestation of this male desire for female domination has taken a unique although not uncommon path within your sexuality.

Would your sexuality have developed in a different way had you not had this experience with this dominant woman? Perhaps but your sexuality was destined to develop in some manner based on your desire to be submissive to a woman. You obviously did not object when this woman used you orally. You had a foot fetish and she was able to build upon that fetish. She used your fetish and your sexuality for her benefit and for her fulfillment as she trained you to service those areas of her body that brought her pleasure and sexual climax. Thus, the representation within your mind was the same as the foot fetish. Namely, you desire to be under the control of a woman. You feel inferior to the female gender and you want to worship her. That is who you are sexually and your desire brought forth your experience, not the other way around.

Viagra may help you from a biological perspective but it seems to me that you are capable of obtaining an erection if the proper stimulation occurs within your mind. You are who you are. Yes, a woman can explore this area and perhaps uncover other mental triggers that will stimulate you sexually but I would imagine it would have to entail some sort of scenario where you are being dominated by a woman. The face sitting was an extension of the foot fetish. There could be extensions of the face sitting that would excite you sexually and thus your sexuality could be channeled in other areas. But again, that will take sexual exploration with a woman you trust and love.

So perhaps at this stage in your life, you need to seek out a woman whom you can build a friendship with and in whom you can develop a deep trust. Place the sex on the back burner. Tell the woman that you decide to date that you want to bond with her on an intellectual and social level before embarking on any sexual activities. There are a lot of women who would love to find such a relationship. Then after you build that level of trust, you can confide in your new best friend about your sexuality. You may be embarrassed to tell your doctor but you will need to muster the courage to confess who you are to your female partner. That way she will not think you are gay but rather she will know what is going on with you. She will know that you are a male with strong submissive desires and that you only become sexually stimulated when a woman is using you sexually. Trust me, that’s not a bad deal for a woman. A woman who grows to love you will understand and she may become excited about the notion that your sexuality will revolve around her pleasure. Again, I would not confess this to the next woman you date but only after you build a trust with a woman based on mutual respect. I do wish you the best.

Q. Dear Elise, I've written you before a few times, and you've answered back promptly and with good intent - so thank you!  My wife and I have been exploring a femdom relationship for a few years now, and there are many aspects she embraces and many she does not. 

We have embraced the "Queen and knight" roles in the household.  She rations my orgasms.  I have picked up a great share of the household duties.  I service her orally and she has stopped the same for me, since we embraced this lifestyle.  Which I am great with, I want her to do things SHE feels comfortable doing. 

Several times, she has had her way with me with a dildo.  I've been laid down on an ottoman.  A third time, we were in a 2-person Jacuzzi and she had me get on my hands and knees and she pumped me with her dildo until I begged her to stop.  It was wonderful, "sweet torture" we call it.

Anyway, we have looked at strap-on harnesses and attachments.  She has hesitated, and now told me she is not interested.  She says it is too close to male gay sex in her mind.  I would be deliriously happy to be taken by her on occasion, and I think it would help expand my submission to her. 

My question is how would you explain that strap-on play could be, and is, an appropriate activity for heterosexual couples and (as it is in my mind) without any gay overtones? 

A. I devote an entire chapter to Strap-on play in my book “Female Domination”. In that chapter, I go over the psychology behind strap-on play, for both the male receiver and the female penetrater. The following is from that chapter:

“Strap-on play strips the man of his masculinity and macho ways and usually causes the man to surrender his strength and his will over to his female aggressor. A woman can sense her man giving up resistance and she senses him melting into submission. This is an incredible power rush to the woman. Also, the effects of this activity usually last for some time. The man who submits to this activity has a hard time being macho around his dominant wife. He is usually meek and submissive to her outside of the bedroom after this activity.

Strap-on play is a power exchange and it has nothing to do with homosexuality or women wanting to be men. Quite the contrary, this activity is about the empowering of women as they unleash another level of their previously dormant power. Strap-on play between a woman and a man is about psychological sex as it is the mental stimulation that causes both parties to issue that all important power exchange.

The submissive man is feeling a combination of sexual stimulation, discomfort, and humiliation during strap-on sex. He now knows that what he used to place so much worth on (namely his penis) is no longer a tool to conqueror women but now the tables have been turned and the female has stripped this symbol of masculinity from him and is now using it against him. The woman is telling the man that she is not impressed with the male penis and that she can buy one that is bigger to pleasure herself and she can even use it as a tool to enslave the male gender. Strap-on play is not so much about sex as it is about mental domination. What was once a symbol of man's conquest of the female is now being used by the female to prove to the male her superiority.”

Q. Dear Elise, I just read in your Q&A forum about the lady who wants to enhance the humiliation of her cuckold husband by training him to remain limp in the presence of her lover. I have some experience with this and I might be able to provide her with some knowledge in this area.

There are some rather harsh drugs available to accomplish this and actually have the added benefit of increasing libido while disabling the equipment.  Extreme stimulants like amphetamines and ephedrine accomplish this goal quite well by flooding the brain stem with dopamine, catchecholomines, noradrenaline, etc.  Desire is practically double or triple, but extreme constriction of peripheral arteries (fight or flight response) keeps the penis limp, and application of an ice pack really assures it.  But as you noted, the less dangerous and more practical approach would come from some form of psycho - sexual training.

Using an adjustable chastity device that delivers pain upon erection is a useful start for mental training.  Applying wash clothes soaked in ice water to the cock and balls until the penis practically disappears and then snugging the device up tight is a good start.  Then she could make him view or listen from another room while she cuckolds him. If he is in another room, she could set up a camera to videotape him to measure his response. I would recommend rewarding him after her lover leaves if he remains flaccid with an orgasm (non-intimate of course) and punishing him severely or denying him longer if he became erect  To set this up, an orgasm schedule will have to become more frequent so they can be taken away as punishment or reinstated for obedience.

You can gradually, over time, convince a man that his penis is undesirable, unable to satisfy his wife, and you can by trial and error learn things to say that cause him to wilt. Some males are so mortified by strap - on penetration that they lose the ability to erect for awhile.  A session of hard ass pumping and verbal humiliation prior to her lover's arrival might help hubby stay limp! These are iffy techniques and usually take a long time. Also, unless you can imprint a particular situation that will get him up, she may lose the use of his erection as well!  Or, maybe that's ok with her.  He won't be able to have intercourse, and that will probably be an intense turn on for her as well!  An occasional prostate massage will keep things flowing!

She is to be commended for even having this idea!  It sounds like her husband is well - trained already, but she desires needs more!  This is great.

Another device she may want to consider is the Kali's Teeth Bracelet/chastity device.  It is indeed, an effective "correction" device and great to use on a chronic masturbator!  If adjusted properly, the normal cyclic erection that occurs during sleep will result in a rude and painful awakening!  I experienced this situation, and rather than being released I was provided with a cold washcloth and a towel for the blood.  Asking what the purpose was, I was informed that I was learning the association between sexual arousal and pain.

Keep up the good work.  You have many fans in Europe.  One lady is a German who is practicing on me via email and doing a good job. She had me buy your book and send it to her!

A. Thank you for sharing your knowledge, experience and insight into this matter. I agree that the mental training is preferred over the use of drugs. It takes more effort but it’s the journey that makes this lifestyle exciting. The mental training techniques you outlined are much more fascinating and exciting than the taking of drugs. The mental training involves interaction and communication. This will ensure that the dominant wife and her submissive husband remain intimate and thus connected on a high and special level. To give him a pill may be easier but the long-term effects will never be as fulfilling or powerful as the mental training. Thanks again.

Q. Dear Ms Sutton, Why can I not resist domination by my wife? We have, at different stages in our marriage, ventured further and further into a way of life in which I have gradually submitted and she has taken control. In the past year the greatest changes have taken place. My wife now has her own banking accounts and with only a couple of exceptions, I have no say or control in our finances. There are several new "rules" that I follow in day-to-day life.

All of this is the result of what I would call taking several stages. Reflecting back over these stages, I can see that no matter how many times I try to step away or step back from the situation, I always come back... and she is always ready to take even more from me.

I recently verbalized this to her. Last month I spoke up and said, "It's not fair." When she asked me what I meant, I responded, "You know I can't resist your domination”. She lifted up my chin and looked right into my eyes and said, "You can't stay away. You can't resist. You can't win. You can't control yourself. You can't change what's happened." Then she added the question, "Is that what you wanted to say?" I replied, "Yes ma'am."

For the past few weeks, I have felt very differently. I have begun to accept what seems to me to be an unavoidable fact... that I am submissive to my wife and that this is the way I am and the way we will live from now on.

And so my question concerning why I cannot resist her domination is not born of not understanding her power over me, nor of accepting my own desires and nature... but one of seeking to understand how this happened. She did not continually pressure me or coerce me into this. She did not withhold sex for long periods of time. She did not even actively pursue this course day after day and week after week. Instead, she just made the most of opportunities and I slowly slipped to this state... where I realize I cannot change. I cannot fight in any measure the growing hold she has over me. I sometimes feel drugged and addicted... I must submit, and I know it. But I did not introduce her to the lifestyle and we did not jump in and play all the games, it just happened. Perhaps I have greatly underestimated her patience and her power.

Ms Sutton, why can I not resist her domination?

A. Why ask why? Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Why is the Earth the perfect distance from the sun and on the perfect axis to be able to sustain life? Why is your skin the color that it is? Why are your eyes blue (or brown or whatever they are)?

To quote form the Bible, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made”. You are who you are, so don’t question it but instead embrace it. You are a submissive male and you desire to be dominated by your wife. You can no more change your race, sex, or the natural color of your eyes than you can change the fact that you were created as a submissive male. No matter how hard you try to run from who you are, you will always come back for more. In fact, the harder you try to resist these desires, the stronger these desires will become. It is futile and it is folly to try to be what you are not. Contentment will come when you surrender and accept who you are.

You have so much to be grateful for. You have a wonderful woman whom you can serve. She wants to dominate you and she is so much wiser than you. She knows who she is and she knows who you are. She is secure within herself. You are insecure because you are trying to conform to what societal traditions say you must be. You don’t want to resist her. You love being under the control of a loving woman. So stop trying to intellectualize what comes natural. Be happy and grateful for who you are and what you have. Take care. 

Q. In a recent Q&A, you were asked by a man your opinion on whether his wife should have a child by him or by another man who was of a better gene pool. Your response was basically that it would be best for the child’s emotional welfare for the husband to be the father. I whole heartily agree. However, you kind of wavered from that position when you got into the “planned pregnancy” vs. the “accidental pregnancy” debate. I did not think that was relevant to this man’s question. His wife might read your answer and think you were agreeing with her when in fact you agreed with her husband that it would be best if he were the father.

Did I correctly understand your opinion or did I misread you? I think it might be helpful to others if you clarified this because I cannot fathom a woman having a child with another man just because she doesn’t want the child to have red hair.

A. Yes, you appropriately understood my position on this topic. I definitely believe and endorse childbearing and child rearing between a wife and her husband within a FemDom marriage. Even if the wife exercises her sexual liberation with another man, I would strongly encourage her to have all children with her husband for the emotional health and well-being of the children and of the family unit. Let there be no doubt that this is what I believe.

The reason I brought up the accidental pregnancy issue was because this man’s wife was of the opinion that I agreed with her based on a reply to a former Q&A entry many months ago. That particular entry had to do with a man who was upset because his wife accidentally became pregnant from her affair with another man. In that case, I tried to encourage that husband by reminding him that a father is not the one who plants the seed but rather the one who assists the woman in the child rearing. I was encouraging this husband by explaining to him that what appeared as a crisis in his life could be turned into an unbelievable blessing if he were to renew his mind to the fact that he would be this child’s father, regardless of who planted the seed.

An accidental pregnancy is far different than a woman openly trying to have a child with another man at the exclusion of her husband. It is always best for a child to be conceived between the wife and the husband. It is best socially, legally, economically and emotionally for all parties involved.

Q. Dear Miss Sutton, my question is about porn. When my wife is at work or with her friends, I watch porn quite a lot. I'm afraid to tell her. I know she's not against porn when she uses it for the purpose to tease me but when I use it on my own, it's out of the question.

The problem seems to be that I think I have an addiction to porn and it affects our relationship. I'd like to get rid of all the porn I watch but it's very difficult. I just don't understand why is it so difficult for men to avoid?  I really want to find the way out of this. Do you think I should tell me wife?

A. First of all, we need to define porn. I think a good definition to a man like you is, “porn is that which degrades women and that which portrays women in an unflattering light”. Porn can also be that which causes a man to have a mental addiction to self-induced sexual arousal. The female body is not porn, sex is not porn and certainly female domination is not porn. It is natural for a man to become aroused by the viewing of the female body or by viewing the dominance and sexuality of the female gender. To not be aroused at the beauty and sexuality of women would be to go against nature. So remember that erotica is not porn.

The danger of adult entertainment is that it can become porn by becoming addicting to the destruction of a healthy sex life. You are married to a beautiful woman but if you would rather view porn over serving her sexual, domestic and social needs, then you have a problem. Porn can become addicting because you begin to program your senses to only become aroused at the sight of porn. Romance and sexuality is about sight, touch, sound, smell, personal interactions and above all, love. Adult entertainment can be perfectly Ok to assist in the sexuality of people but when the adult entertainment becomes the sexuality, it is out of balance and can be harmful to a relationship.

It is kind of like the difference between a person who drinks socially and the person who is an alcoholic. Viewing and reading adult material can be a positive experience if the person’s motives are to enhance their reality based sex life. But when the porn becomes a person’s sex life, then they will have trouble relating to an actual sexual relationship. That is what has happened to you.

The good news is that you recognize this. I would highly suggest that you confess this to your wife and that you ask her to take measures to control this aspect of your life. Porn can become very addicting so mere willpower probably will not be enough for you to overcome this addiction. You need to be accountable to another person who will oversee you in this area. You need to be accountable to a woman. You need to accountable to your wife.

Sit her down and apologize to her for your habit of viewing porn behind her back. Tell her that you need her help. If she lacks the knowledge on what she can do, I have some suggestions for you to give her.

Tell her that she needs to assign you plenty of tasks around the house to keep you busy. That’s right! You may not like it but tell her that you need to be busy and that you need her to occupy your mind and time by channeling your sexual energy into serving the woman that you love.

Next, suggest that she place a password on the computer and that she supervise your time when you use the computer. Make sure she knows how to check the computer history file so she can check on your surfing habits. If you come across a site that is sexually oriented but that promotes healthy female domination (a site like mine), allow her to view it so she can either approve it or disapprove it. She can even install filtering software that limits your sites but allows her free roam on the Net.

If you rent Adult DVD’s, tell her and give her your video card. If you frequent Adult bookstores, tell her that you need her to place you on a short leash by requiring you to get her approval before you make any stops on your way home from work. In other words, you need to confess to her that you need for her to take charge of your life because you have this addiction. Just make sure that you tell her that you want to channel your sexual desires into serving her both inside and outside the bedroom. Give her plenty of praise, reaffirm to her how beautiful you find her and how you desire to serve her. This should open the door for the two of you to have a FemDom marriage. Therefore, your porno problem could lead to a more meaningful relationship with your wife if you come clean with her.

Men are visually oriented so men are easily addicted to porn. That is how men are wired. Again, there is nothing wrong with the viewing of adult oriented material as long as you are using the material to fuel your sexual passion for the purpose of romancing your wife. But she needs to be included, not excluded. She needs to know about your habits. If porn begins to become a replacement for your sex life with your wife, then it is wrong and the situation needs corrected. Men can easily become addicted and that is why a man’s sex life and a man’s time must be under the control of his wife. She will ensure that you utilize your time wisely. Best wishes.

Q. Dear Ms Sutton, On your site I read the statement somewhere that the real male sex organ is his tongue. I've been meditating on this subject some time, and to my own astonishment I entirely agree with the Woman who said so. I like to give you my thoughts and hope you will give me some reflections on the Superior Sexuality of the Female over the male.

Although the penis can be observed as being an added male body part, I don’t think that my gender is an added quality to my existence as a human being. We are either a Female (human) or a male (human). Every single cell in our body knows our gender. And thus: Women and men are completely different.

It’s not only the genitals that make the gender-difference. For instance it has been proved that the Female brain functions in another way than the male. And that is only a small example. The fact that our genitals has become very strong symbols for the essence of our Female or male existence is of course perfectly natural, but the gender differences are much more complex. The Vagina in this way is the strongest possible symbol of Femininity, Female Supremacy and Authority imaginable, while the penis is the ultimate symbol of masculinity, inferiority and subjugation.

Being a submissive male I realize that my strongest desire in life is to serve a Superior Female in the most intimate way possible, namely to perform Cunnilingus. I write this word with a capital because in my experience it's almost a sacred thing to do for a male. To be so close with all my senses to Her Womanhood, her most Feminine Parts, Her Sex is a wonderful privilege. It's my purpose in life to service Her orally. With my tongue I'm tasting Her and together with my lips I am touching Her, with my ears I can hear Her juices mix with my saliva and I can hear Her excitement while She is Dominating me like this, with my eyes I get a very close view on Her Female Essence and with my nose I can smell Her Feminine Scent.

To be so near to Her in this way is the best thing that can happen to a man. I am overwhelmed by HER Womanhood through all my senses and I am completely in subspace. What I experience is male submissive fulfillment. My penis is not only erect but through my spine, through the backside of my body (that I cannot see - this is symbolizing the fact that it is a process that I cannot comprehend or influence) it takes over my head and my brain completely because this is the centre where my senses are located, and they are focused on the divine FEMININE.  This means that my physical urges, my male sexual longings has taken over my entire being. Mind, body and soul (or is the Soul the small Female spark within the male, the Spark that overpowers the huge masculine rest ??? The male becomes a Male by Feminine Force???).

Physically, my entire body has become a sexual organ, but the part that is actually living the psychic reality that has taken over, much more than any other part of my body, is my tongue. The tongue that is serving HER in the way that SHE wants it. Indeed, this is my being, this is my destination, this is my Life as it was meant to be: to Serve HER. Indeed, my tongue is my essence, my male sexual organ. The part that serves HER! The fact that my penis is denied is of no interest. Male urges are of no interest. Not at all! But the fact that they exist, those male urges, are indeed of interest. They exist to be DENIED.

And now I come to my question: Although a human Female and a human male have very much in common, when it comes to their Sexuality they seem to be the complete opposite.

FACT 1: The Female orgasm is a much deeper and much more complete experience. The male is only extremely superficial.
FACT 2: The Female is capable of much more climaxing than the male.
FACT 3: Despite the Female Sexuality the male sexuality is very obsessive and possessive.
FACT 4: The Female Orgasm is euphoric, the male relief is an anti-climax.
Which indicates FACT 5: The Female is meant to CELEBRATE HER Essence over and over again, the male is meant to SUFFER in constant arousal. Relief means deeper suffering for him, so he really is at Her Mercy!

Pondering on these FACTS the Sexual Power of Women is tremendous, because they are so unbelievably Superior on this battlefield. But how does a Woman experience all this?

Overpowered by Her Splendor I am glorifying HER and as a part of that I experience my own inferiority. But what does She feel? Does She begin with me, as I am beginning with HER, or does she celebrate her Glorious Female Existence first, and only after that there is a role for me being male.

Thank you for your work!

A. My, what a wonderful revelation you have experienced regarding what occurs when a man orally services a woman. And to think that some people only experience oral sex. But within a FemDom relationship, a man servicing a woman is a spiritual experience and it is not only beautiful, but it is powerful.

Female Domination is a sexuality of the mind and of the soul. How much greater is your experience than the male who lives to “bang” a woman for temporary physical pleasure? Your experience lasts within your psyche, long after the physical act occurs. And each time is like an act of worship and not merely a sexual activity. You are learning of the Female and you are learning your proper place in life, and this knowledge brings you joy and peace.

What does the female experience? She experiences a love that is out of this world. A woman can sense when a man is truly worshipping her. When a man worships a woman by pleasuring her in such a humble and loving manner, the woman is filled with love for the male. Yes, it adds to her feeling of dominance, power and control and this increases her sexual excitement which makes the sexual act more pleasurable. However, she is also filled with a very deep love.

Sexually, it is euphoric. Mentally, it is peaceful. Emotionally, it is calming. And spiritually, it is fulfilling. Overall, it is intense and it is powerful. Above all, it is beautiful and it causes the woman and the man to bond on a very high, spiritual level. Thank you for sharing your revelation.

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