Q&A Forum - January 2019

Q. Ms Sutton, I enjoyed all of your books. I keep hearing rumors that you are writing a fourth book. I heard it was coming out in 2017 but so far, nothing. I am sure I speak for most your fans when I say I hope another book is forthcoming.

A. If all goes well, I plan to release my latest book sometime in 2019 but there are still a few hurdles to clear. The working title is "FemDom Confidential" (the final title still yet to be decided). The word "confidential" is key because I am seeking to share some very personal FemDom stories from people I have counseled and communicated with over the years. Some have given me permission but others are still thinking about it. Obviously I can go forward with what I already have but I am holding out for these other experiences because they are quite remarkable. I am optimistic it will all come together.

Q. Dear Ms Sutton: I’ve read all three of your books and was a subscriber to the now defunct Predominant. I think “Searching for Wanda” is an exquisite piece of non-fiction but if you don’t mind me asking, I would love to know your motivation for writing this book.

The reason I ask is because when I was about half way through reading “Wanda”, it became obvious that this book had more of a cautionary tone than your other two books. Am I safe to assume that “Wanda” is your attempt at a ‘market correction’ when it comes to female domination?

A. The answer to your question is contained on the back cover of my book. It says, “In her third book, Elise Sutton strays away from the more common lifestyles of FemDom practitioners who pursue relationships based on the principals of loving female authority, and instead she takes an honest look at men who claim to be seeking ‘unloving female authority’ at the hands of a sadistic woman.”

My first book looked at the most common lifestyles under the big FemDom umbrella, including a chapter devoted to mild forms of female sadism and male masochism, which I entitled “Leather Sex”. My first book was all about exploring the male desire for loving female authority and how the female domination lifestyle can be healthy and the ultimate win/win relationship as long as people stay rooted and grounded in reality.

My second book, “The FemDom Experience” took a look at the difference between FemDom fantasy and FemDom reality, and how sometimes fantasy does not translate to reality because with the mind, fantasy has no limits. With fantasy, you don’t need to be mindful of the safety and health risks because there are no boundaries when it comes to fantasy. However, in reality there are many limitations placed on us by this material and natural world. There are health risks and safety concerns that people must always be conscious of, and that is why the FemDom experience must be reality based.

Some people thought “The FemDom Experience” was my so-called ‘correction’ because I had a chapter devoted to 'The Foolish FemDom Experience'. Both of my books promoted the joys of loving female authority with an occasional word of caution for couples to always be mindful of the potential pitfalls.

I once heard a preacher many years ago give an analogy on how when he was a teenager growing up in the southwest, whenever he and his friend would go fishing or hiking, his mother always admonished him to “watch out for rattlesnakes”. She wasn’t telling him to stop what he was planning and instead go hunting for rattlesnakes, but she was simply saying that while he was out having fun, he needed to be aware of his surroundings. In other words, the snakes were not supposed to be his focus, the fishing and the hiking was his focus, but he still had to be mindful that snakes were out there.

That is how it is with this lifestyle. Female Domination can be a wonderful experience and a marvelous lifestyle. It can add romance and spice to the bedroom and add so much excitement to both the sex life and the relationship as a whole, plus it can empower the woman to lead the relationship in a positive way. Yet, while a couple is having fun and experiencing all this excitement, it is wise to occasionally take inventory and ensure that both parties are staying rooted and grounded in reality. This is important because FemDom encompasses and engulfs the mental and spiritual as well as the sexual and physical. That is why in my books, while I am always encouraging couples to embrace the FemDom lifestyle based on loving female authority, I also admonish people to “watch out for the rattlesnakes”. Make sure you don’t get things out of balance where it goes from healthy to becoming unhealthy.

“Searching for Wanda” is not an anti-masochism book. It is an honest look at masochism and through the real experiences of others, it tells the readers to “watch out for the rattlesnakes”. I think the life of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch should be celebrated. He should not be looked at as a sexual deviant, no more than any one else who practices an alternative sexuality should be looked upon as a sexual deviant. Yet, we can learn from Leopold’s failings and his shortcomings, just like we can learn from all those wonderful people who were willing to share their experiences in the book, both positive and negative experiences.

I will admit that “Searching for Wanda” tells of many relationships that do not have a happy ending, but if you go back and read it again, I would challenge you to look at how many people, especially the women who were involved with hardcore masochists, grew from those experiences and put what they learned into their future successful relationships.

What I am most concerned about, and what was a big motivating factor in writing this book, are the masochists who cannot separate fantasy from reality and those who allow their quest for “unloving female authority” to wreck the potential for a successful FemDom relationship. That is the danger of masochism and that is why I feel this is an important book. Thanks for the question.

Q. Ms Sutton, with his all of his biographers having passed away, it would seem to me that the research you did for “Searching for Wanda” makes you the foremost expert living today when it comes to the life of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch. I wish you would have written your book ten years ago. I wrote a paper in college on Sacher-Masoch and I came to the conclusion that based on his sexuality, he should have married Fanny Pistor and not Aurora Rumelin. As you know, Fanny was the inspiration for the character Wanda in “Venus in Furs” and she enjoyed treating Leopold like her slave. It came much more natural to her than it did Aurora Rumelin. Do you agree with my observation?

A. I agree that Fanny Pistor’s disposition and sexuality was closer to Leopold’s ideal dominant and cruel female than any other woman he was romantically involved with. Fanny delighted in cheating on Leopold to his face with other men while denying him any sexual contact with her. She also frequently humiliated Leopold and, of course, she commonly whipped him while wearing furs.

However, as I wrote in my book, Fanny was of the nature to jump head first into everything she did, including her FemDom relationship with Leopold. The flip-slide to this personality trait is that she easily bored and needed to go on to new erotic adventures. She grew weary of dressing up in furs, physically assaulting Leopold and parading lovers under his nose. Leopold signed a contract where he pledged to be Fanny’s slave for six months. Once the six months were over, Fanny lost interest and since Leopold was not in love with her, he accepted her decision and they parted on good terms. 

Fanny never would have agreed to marry Leopold, in my opinion, under any circumstances. And when you read Leopold’s biographers, it becomes apparent that later in life as his marriage to Aurora was in trouble, he often talked about Anna von Kottowitz, his first true lover and the first woman who whipped him while being adorned in furs. He didn’t discuss Fanny Pistor nearly as often as he talked about Anna von Kottowitz.

Nevertheless, Fanny Pistor will always live on in history as the woman from whom the famous character, Wanda von Dunajew, in “Venus in Furs” was based upon. Thanks for the most interesting question.

Q. Elise, I know this was asked of your other two books, but can you explain what the Sardax cover represents to you in Wanda. Is the man meant to be Leopold and is the woman Wanda? Or is there a deeper meaning to the picture? And when Sardax does the covers for your books, do you tell him what you want and he creates it from your description or do you allow him to come up with the idea?

A. With all of my books, I explain to Sardax my thoughts and my idea for the cover but then I allow him to use his creativity to fill in the details. My idea for the “Searching for Wanda” cover was along the lines of a man interacting with a sophisticated woman in a social setting, yet he is picturing her in his imagination as a cruel, sadistic woman. I wanted some way to portray how the man fantasizes about the woman. She is a confident and refined woman, dressed eloquently. Yet the man imagines her in a leather outfit, wielding a whip. The image is of a man looking at her with admiration but the reflection in the mirror shows his desire/fantasy (and/or her dominant persona). 

It should also be noted that Sardax used an actual FemDom couple to pose for this cover. He did the woman first (naturally) and then he added the man. The couple was very excited about being on the cover of my book, so much so that they were quite anxious for the book’s release so they could show the artwork to their lifestyle friends.

As always, Sardax did a great job with this cover. He also created the banners advertising the book. Sardax and the FemDom couple who posed for the cover have my sincerest and deepest gratitude for all the work they put into it.

Q. Dear Elise, “Excess of Love” was the most erotic FemDom book I ever read. I was delighted that you devoted a chapter in "Wanda" to this fascinating story. “Excess of Love” was my sexual awakening when it came to my submissive desires. I have a feeling your book will cause a surge in sales for “Excess of Love” if people can find it.

You mentioned in your book that the Hilda Mansell character was based on an actual criminal case in the 1960’s where a husband was found dead while being bound and gagged in his wife’s bathroom with her (deposit) found in his mouth and cigarette burns on his body. I was not aware of that and I’ve just started doing my own research on this. I found two cases, one in the 70’s and one in the 80’s, one in New Jersey and one in California, that were similar to the one you described but I couldn’t find the details. In both instances the wife was set free because the authorities determined the accidental death to be the result of consensual kinky sex between a wife and her husband but I could not find any details of what the kinky sex involved.

If either one of these cases is the one you referred to then you have it backwards. Instead of the author being influenced by the criminal case, if you look at the timeline, both criminal cases that were dismissed might have been the result of the book because they occurred after the book was published.

A. There were a number of S&M scenes gone seriously wrong between extreme players back in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s prior to the “safe, sane and consensual” mantra being preached like it is today. People are now encouraged to become educated about the health and safety risks of ‘extreme’ and ‘advanced’ S&M activities. As with all tragedies in life, the safety procedures are mandated and put in place usually only after someone has been injured, or worse. Just as many of the safety features on your automobile did not exist until after a lot of people were killed, the same can be said for almost every aspect of our lives. D&S and S&M is no exception.

Only a fool would engage in dangerous and unhealthy activities after reading about them in a fictitious book. In “Searching for Wanda” I shared the story of Alan and Audrey and how Alan became obsessed with trying to coax Audrey into becoming just like Hilda Mansell. Yet, neither Alan nor Audrey practiced anything that was unsafe. Audrey made sure that Alan was never totally bound and left alone, as he always had at least one hand free with the telephone within reach, and she refused to engage in the most risky activities that were portrayed in “An Excess of Love”.

Based on my research, Jac Lenders is a pseudonym author and it is entirely possible that “An Excess of Love” is 100% the result of the author’s fantasy as the book is a work of fiction. However, some have wondered if perhaps the author’s inspiration for writing the novel was a real life criminal case that occurred in the 1960’s where a woman was charged in the death of her husband, a prominent lawyer, who had died in a similar fashion as the author’s fictitious Michael Mansell. Unless the author was to come forward, which is unlikely, we will never know the answer to that question.

Q. Dear Ms Sutton, where can I obtain a copy of “The Kalmann Diaries”? The chapter on Anneliese Helm in your Wanda book has me curious about this series. I am a collector of vintage Femdom erotica and Femdom magazines. I always felt that the 1980’s was the golden age when it came to Femdom erotica and I am not the least bit offended when I read sexually graphic stories. The 1980’s were known for producing really explicit Femdom material, especially in the early 80’s prior to the Meese Commission.

A. If you can find places that sell vintage Adult magazines, you might be able to order the six issues of Club Magazine that featured “The Kalmann Diaries”. Since you obviously have my book, look at the Resource List in the back of my book. I list the months and year of the six issues of Club magazine that contained “The Kalmann Diaries”. But please understand that I am in no way recommending this series. I realize by warning males of the graphic and disturbing nature of this series I am merely enticing the submissive nature of man to seek out the forbidden fruit. Be that as it may, as I commented in my book, “An Excess of Love” was very graphic but it’s a child's book compared to “The Kalmann Diaries”.

Please be mindful that delving into the dark side of human sexuality through a piece of erotica like “The Kalmann Diaries” can be enticing and intensely arousing to the masochist and even the submissive male. The Anneliese Helm fantasy is a fantasy that is drawn to what Freud called “the death principal” (which I explain in my book). There are men who become turned-on at the prospect of making the ultimate sacrifice for the cause of Female Dominaton. “The Kalmann Diaries” refers to this as "Ritual submisson unto death". It is pure fantasy. I have been around this scene for decades and I have never heard of secret female societies that perform such rutuals on willing male participants. I get the appeal of dark fantasies but Loving female authority can also be sexually arousing and intense but the motivation is to worship the beauty that is the female nature.

Having said that, in my opinion, “The Kalmann Diaries” was a historically significant series in the annals of female domination literature, which is why I referred to it in my book. Therefore, I can understand why a collector of FemDom erotica would want to possess it for his/her collection. Good luck!

Q. Ms Sutton, I wanted to write and comment on your first book. I absolutely loved your book, "Female Domination." I have been reading the book almost every day since I received it in the mail two weeks ago. I am a submissive male and what I really appreciate about your book is the psychological aspect of it. For so long, especially in my past failed FemDom relationships, I focused far too much on the bondage aspects of the relationship. I kept pushing my Dommes to dominate and beat me. And each time, the result was eventually the same: I pushed away my Domme.

Reading the section about Henry Adams and his wife, Doris, was an absolute revelation to me. Honestly, the section about them was so touching and heart warming - as well as eye opening. The way Henry seduced Doris' dominate nature was so sweet and beautiful. It also made perfect sense to me. How can any FemDom relationship flourish if the woman does not get pampered?

I only wish I had read you book about two years ago. I met the Domme - and woman of my dreams - three and a half years ago. We were friends for a year and a half. Then two years ago, we started dating. Our relationship was AMAZING at the start. While we were friends, she constantly told me how much she was interested in bondage and being a Dominant Woman. Once we started being romantically involved with each other, the sparks flew! I had been with many Dominant Women before, but never one that I loved and cared about as much as Caren. She's smart, funny, adventurous, and sweet. We traveled together to Argentina the first month we dated and it was like going to heaven with an angel. She swept me off my feet!

Then I got greedy. I got pushy. I wanted more domination and bondage and I went about everything in the wrong way. This pushed Caren away and made her less interested in BDSM, something she had told me many times she was VERY interested in. The final straw was when I secretly emailed another Domme. I justified it initially in my mind by thinking I was getting advice from her. That was B.S.! I secretly emailed this other Woman for 8 months before the guilt and shame became too overwhelming and I told Caren about the emails last October. She was obviously furious.

I told Caren about your book and the part about Henry and Doris. She was very interested so I ordered a copy of your book for her. I felt it was important for her to read the book because Caren has recently been questioning whether she’s even a Domme. I told her I was simply a bad submissive and turned her off to something she clearly loves and enjoys having in her life.

My question to you is do you have any advice for me? Is there anything more you think I can do for myself and Caren to continue to rebuild our bond? I honestly don't care about the bondage or kinky stuff right now. I simply want to regain Caren's trust and love and be there for her in a loving, nurturing way. She's the love of my life and I would do ANYTHING for Her. And for me, that's true submission. Thanks again for writing such an insightful, inspiring book. It truly opened my eyes.

A. I think you’re going about things in the correct way with the proper mindset. You made a mistake, a big mistake, but you’re showing sincerity in wanting to rectify your mistake. If you are truthful when you say you are dedicated to serving Caren and are willing to do anything to gain her trust, then your actions will speak louder than any words, be those words from you or be those words from my book. It is up to you to prove to Caren that you are sincere when you say that female domination from here on out be about you serving her how she wants to be served, and not about your fantasies.

Hopefully by seducing Caren with your submissive nature, it will further stir those dominant juices within her and she will want to explore her FemDom desires with you in the bedroom again. But that is totally up to her. For now, your focus is to be on meeting her needs. Take care!

Q. Hi Elise, I have just finished reading your book “Female Domination” and I found it to be excellent. My name is Michael, I'm aged 28 and living in Dublin Ireland. I could so relate to the stories you recounted of males having submissive tendencies.

I suppose I'm like the submissive Henry in your book, I too want to be dominated by my wife. I have brought the subject up with her, I bought a book “The Mistress manual” but she thought it was too heavy going. I should have bought your book first. I will present it to her soon.

We have explored things together, she dresses for me, I bought high heeled knee high boots for her that lace up the front. She does get a kick from dressing and loves seeing my reaction when she is dressed. I also have given her a crop which she uses lightly. I bought a nice black basque for her last year with very sexy stockings. She liked it very much. She plays a lot with my nipples, with her nails and she plays with my genitals ... I really react to it and she loves it, I always whisper that she owns me when we play, that she could have me do anything. She has whispered to me that she wants to explore things with me more.

Anyway I wanted to write to you in the hope that your book helps things. I am so tempted to give the book to her now but I am waiting for the timing to be right.

A. I’m glad you enjoyed my book and you’re correct about the importance of timing. It sounds like your wife is slowly warming up to the idea of dominating you in the bedroom. Therefore, there is no rush in giving her my book. Instead, first work on those areas that you can control. What did you learn from my book? Are you dedicated to serving her and seducing her dominant nature through your servitude?

Be careful not to get the cart before the horse. Your wife has shown she is open-minded by agreeing to wear the boots and using the crop a little on you in the bedroom. The challenge for you is not to become over anxious. I realize this can be difficult but patience is the name of the game when introducing this lifestyle to a beginner. That is why your focus needs to be on your wife and on you meeting her needs. As she becomes more open and expresses a willingness to learn more about female domination, then you can give her my book. But seeing how she reacted negatively to “The Mistress Manual” you need to proceed with caution lest you hinder her growth as a dominant woman. Again, focus on your submissive attitude and work on those things that you can control. I do wish you all the best.

Q. Dear Elise, first let me introduce myself : I am a 60-year-old male  who has dreamed since before puberty of total submission to females (my female 7th grade classmates!) Alas, I was too shy to suggest such a thing, and indeed have gone my whole life with this unfulfilled dream.  I just wanted to tell you that having read your book “Female Domination” how totally it speaks to the desires of men such as myself who completely accept the superiority of the female gender and long to serve women as slaves. I particularly loved the way in which in the chapter entitled “Female Superiority” (an article of faith for me!) you quoted “vanilla” articles on college graduation statistics, etc., that point to a future 100% female controlled world. Indeed, dry as those articles might seem to others, they sexually excited me, given my longing for such a world.

I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed reading the rest of the book, though it was with envy, since they described woman dominant relationships, something that I don’t have the pleasure of being in.  Let me close with my own credo:

•        Female Superiority: biological fact based on the greater cognitive and social skills and reproductive function of women;
•        Female Supremacy: the logical consequence of the above; at present to be experienced in individual relationships, but ideally a pattern for a future society in which literally all power in society is held by women and in which (in my view, at least) men are legally stripped of “equal rights”.

A. I love your credo and thank you for the kind words about my first book. Just because you have yet to experience your own FemDom relationship, there is no reason that it still can’t happen. After all, they say sixty is the new forty so you have many years ahead of you to serve women. May all of your dreams come true.

Q. Dear Mistress Sutton - please fill in whatever accolades you choose for yourself and the feminine gender for this de rigueur just happy-to-be-here lead-in and I’ll sign it, but let me get right to the point.

Back in my childhood when I was first cultivating the lure of the Amazon, every plaintiff plea for the wrath of the goddess that I could find emanating from the scant literature where I glimpsed the existence of the Velvet Underground, was tagged with the disclaimer to suffer bodily, but suffer "no permanent damage." It was a time when most of us were isolated, secretive and ashamed of our desire to live life in a mythological trance. We had only the unquenchable urge to know the possibilities of the cruel smile of the female sadist.

Yet we imagined this as an ongoing renewable experience, in which the body would continually mend itself to suffer anew. Since all our knowledge of the whip hand was tainted by the exploitative realm of pornography, where all this information was sequestered by cultural propriety, we did not know what to believe and were afraid that our desires would lead to ruin, if not psychological, then surely physical.

In your book “Searching for Wanda” you devote a chapter to the appeal of the Female torturer. In that chapter you share experiences people had visiting the Other World Kingdom. It was a fascinating read but there was an element to this that I wish you would have explored.

Today, high definition verity videos of the most extreme acts of male masochism and female sadism are available at the click of a mouse. We see endless evidence of legions of female sadists acting as if they have no regard for “permanent damage” (e.g. Cruella, Cruel Amazons, English Mansion, ClubDom, Femme Fatale, OWK, etc.) Savage whippings turn buttocks to bloody hamburger, spiked stilettos and spurs savage soft skin and scrotums with the full adult gravity of the mistress, testicles are kicked with pendulumming force again and again, bringing our darkest daydreams to light on the screen. Not to mention the video game-like insanity of head splitting face kicks, neck stomping, flying drop kicks and the like in some Asian products. There certainly seems to be some serious “permanent damage” going on, consensual or not.

I appreciate that in your column when questions of limits and boundaries arise you advise caution and restraint, as your guru role dictates. However, there is almost no real documentation of actual consequences in your writings and throughout the growing expanse of the Velvet Underground. If you are taking suggestions for a subject for a future book, I would be most interested in the recollections of these voluntary victims that live at the edge, of what happened after the cameras stopped rolling. Did they conquer pain and overcome their bodies? Did the endorphin high allow them to lord mind over matter? Or have they squandered their health and aged themselves prematurely, fallen to disease and permanently racked with lacerated skin and crushed nerves that hang around every day without being so sexy anymore?

I’m not trying to burst the bubble of the last sexual frontier that I’ve lived mostly vicariously, but am simply looking for full disclosure from some who dared. I encourage you to use the forum you’ve courageously built to seek edge players who will tell us the whole story. Thank you!

A. I believe my latest book does examine this to a small degree. A number of real life experiences that people shared with me, and I used in the book, talk about the emotional and physical toll of masochism. Granted I did not interview men who participate in the types of videos you refer to, and I agree that such a study would be most fascinating, thus if any male that has participated in these videos would like to write me and share their experiences, I would be most interested to hear about it.

Nevertheless, I have talked to women who in the past produced FemDom videos and they’ve guaranteed me that the actions on their videos are indeed the real deal. Usually the men who participate on these hardcore FemDom videos are the clients of Professional Mistresses and were chosen for their ability to endure intense sessions. What you see on video is usually what occurs with these men during private sessions when the camera is not rolling. Masochists and what are called “heavy players” have always existed but the invention of the Internet and the ease of recording a session with high-def technology has provided the means to take those intense sessions and share them with anyone willing to pay to see them.

What you find to be so shocking and what most men merely fantasize about, other men actually live it, as one man’s fantasy is another man’s reality. And such a lifestyle does take a toll emotionally and physically but most of these men are willing to pay that price in order fulfill their masochistic desires. The majority of submissive men could never handle it, and even most self-described masochists couldn’t tolerate it, but there are some males that have stepped out of their fantasies and sought to experience what authentic female sadism entails.

In “Searching for Wanda” I interview Victoria who according to her own words “has done it all and seen it all” in her nearly forty years of participating in the FemDom lifestyle. She had what I thought was a very interesting take on what she called “medieval and barbaric” expressions of FemDom. She in no way judged those who participate in these activities, in fact she used to participate herself, but now she primarily focuses on the spiritual side of FemDom and she had a rather fascinating take on where we are today and where we are headed when it comes to Female Supremacy and society. I think her comments are the ultimate answer to your question. I would advise you go back and re-read that part of the book. Take care!

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