Q&A Forum - June 2009
Q. Ms Sutton, I have read your article entitled "What Is Female Domination and Female
Supremacy?" I wish to ask you a question about it.
Your statement that a desire of a male to be underneath a woman during sexual intercourse springs from a desire "to be sexually dominated by a woman" leads me to wonder whether or not you believe that female-on-top is intrinsically related to dominance. It leads me to wonder whether you acknowledge different causes for a preference for female-on-top sexual positions.
My own perspective is that no sexual act, position etc. has any meaning in and of itself, it is the participants that inject meaning into the act by means of their beliefs and motivations. Hence, to a male-female couple that believe female-on-top reflects female dominance of the male, then the act does reflect female dominance, whereas to a couple that ascribes a totally different meaning to the act, it reflects their meaning, rather than any other.
Your reply is most appreciated.
A. The act of apprehending by means of the senses or of the mind is the definition of perception. Or as they say in Psychology; it is a single unified awareness derived from sensory processes while a stimulus is present.
We all perceive based on the life experience software programs that are running within that great computer which is the human mind. That is why I can write a sentence that will be a revelation to someone, a sentence that rings true to them, an eye-opener. Yet someone else can read the exact same sentence and it will ring hollow. To someone it may be words of wisdom but to someone else, it is words of folly. Therefore, one’s perspective will naturally influence how one interprets “To the novice, a man that desires to be on the bottom during intercourse is normal but a man who desires to be spanked or whipped by a woman is perverted.”
Who is the novice in this sentence? It refers to someone that is shocked and appalled that a man would want to be spanked or whipped by a woman. Yet this same person would not be shocked or appalled by a man that wants to be on the bottom during sexual intercourse with a woman, even though the man on the bottom is in the sexually passive position, as is the man who is being spanked.
My motive for the sentence was not to limit what people may or may not do with various sexual positions, as obviously people might engage in certain positions for a wide-range of reasons. However, my motive for the sentence was to point out that one should not judge a book by its cover and automatically think that a certain act of dominance and submission is normal, whereas another act is perverted. So in that sense, yes, in my particular sentence in that particular article (I also use this observation in my book “Female Domination”) intercourse is an act of dominance and submission and the one on the bottom is in the submissive role.
If I must expand upon my reasoning all I have to do is point out the traditional Patriarchal teaching of the Missionary position. The submissive woman is on her back and the dominant man is on top as he penetrates her (“takes her” if you will). In some religious circles only the missionary position is moral because for the woman to be on top is a sign of female dominance and male passivity.
I would say that if you were to poll people and show them a diagram of a couple having sex and if you were to ask “Which person do you perceive as being in the dominant position during sexual intercourse?” most people would point to whomever is on top. Long before the strap-on became popular, when a woman would say to a man “I want to fuck you” the man would immediately think that the woman wants to be on top. He may have the penis but she is going to be doing the fucking. Likewise, if the woman were to say “I want you to fuck me” the man would more times than not think that she wants him to be on top. Again, it does come back to perceptions but if you were to going to assign the dominance and submission label to sexual intercourse, the one on top is usually considered the dominant one. The one on top is the one that is in control.
Even within the BDSM community the dominant partner is referred to as “Top” and the submissive as “bottom”. That is where the saying “topping from below” came from. When a submissive tries to control the Dom, it is known as topping (or controlling) from the submissive position.
People may not think in terms of dominance and submission but that does not negate the fact that dominance and submission is a part of most human interactions. Just as the animal kingdom involves hierarchy, so does the human kingdom. Just observe how dogs interact with each other, how the submissive one will roll on its back. Ever see a dog hump another dog with no sex occurring? It does not mean sex. A female dog will simulate humping another dog (male or female) and it is a sign of dominance. The one on its back or the one on the bottom is the submissive one. The same goes with cats. When cats fight, the one that rolls on its back is the one saying “Ok, you are the boss” and thus the hierarchy is set.
With people, climbing the ladder of success is also known as climbing to the top. The top is the highest or loftiest point of anything; the apex; the summit. The top is the person that occupies the highest or leading position. So by the very definition of the word, the one on top during sex is the one in the leading position.
This brings me back to my original point when I wrote that sentence. A woman on top during intercourse is in the dominant position. It may only be for that brief moment and neither she nor her partner may consider themselves as engaged in a D&S activity, but I argue that they are. They may not think in those terms but dominance and submission is always at work within human relations, be it office politics or a group of friends trying to decide which movie to see. Someone is always trying to dominate, trying to exert control, trying to bring to bear their will on others.
Bringing this all back to Female Domination (the purpose of the article) the male that desires to be on the bottom during intercourse is a male that likes the woman to be in the dominant position during sex. This is a generalization and it may not cover every circumstance, but if a man “desires” to be on the bottom, more times than not, be it consciously or subconsciously, he likes to feel passive underneath a woman who is wielding the power of the moment. And the same can be said for the man who wants to be spanked by a woman. He wants to be under the control of the woman who wields the power. Thus the sentence that follows in my article; “I have come to understand that both of these fore mentioned desires stem from the same core desire. That desire is to be sexually dominated by a woman. It is expressed differently but it is the same deep-rooted motivation.”
Thanks for the interesting question.
Q. Dear Elise, I'm a regular reader of your web site and consider you my teacher. As I say on my blog, I owe you a debt of gratitude because your writings and the writings of Catherine Wolfe were instrumental to my successful and happy marriage.
I recently found a blog that lists crimes committed by women. I was startled to see how many women commit sexual acts with under-aged males. I am providing a list of some of the cases reported in just two months last year.
Can you comment on this, Elise? Is this a phenomenon on the rise? I hope not. Is this behavior similar in any way to male pedophilia? Will a female dominated environment increase or decrease such crimes?
Thank you and hat's off to your good work from my husband and me!
A. That’s a great question and worthy of a detailed response. Keep in mind that this is purely my opinion.
There is no doubt that the number of adult females that are having sexual relations with male minors is on the rise (and how many cases are handled internally by school systems that never are prosecuted?) However, this is due to a variety of social issues and has nothing to do with the societal evolution toward female domination.
By in large, the vast majority of women have the moral character to be in positions of leadership and authority. The majority of these cases involve teachers, yet most teachers are women, especially in elementary schools, and look how few ever abuse a child. Ninety-nine percent of female teachers are trustworthy and have demonstrated their superior character. Never lose sight of all the good when these few, rare cases of the bad make headlines.
People are always trying to interpret cause and effects to criminal and anti-social behavior. People have tried to equate male homosexuality with pedophilia much to the outrage of the gay community. People have tried to equate certain forms of erotica, art and media to the increase of adults sexually abusing minors. So don’t be shocked if some ill-informed people try to equate an adult female having inappropriate sexual relations with a minor to the female domination lifestyle.
Of course that is total rubbish and void of intellectual honesty but that will not stop narrow-minded people from making that charge. The truth be told, the majority of child abuse crimes are committed by men and the ratio of adult men having sexual relations with minors dwarfs the number of adult women having sexual relations with minors. So if we were to use the same logic of those that would try to equate unlawful behavior of a very few women with the female domination lifestyle, could we not assume that certain patriarchal institutions and patriarchal lifestyles are to blame for the increase in the number of men that are abusing children?
Naturally one has nothing to do with the other. Look at the recent epidemic of Priests molesting children. Is this the fault of the teachings of the Catholic Church or does it have more to do with a few individuals who perhaps were not called to a life of celibacy and therefore are unable to control their sex drive?
I have always maintained that if the Catholic Church would allow their Priests to marry (like Protestants do and like Rabbis in the Jewish faith) then many of these child molestation cases would not happen. The sex drive is strong and if it is suppressed, it can manifest itself in an unhealthy and unnatural way. Nevertheless, to blame the Catholic faith for the acts of a few is intellectually dishonest. Most Priests and most Church workers are law abiding and would never abuse a child. In the same way, most female authority figures would never abuse a child, thus it is intellectually dishonest to try to equate the unlawful acts of a very, very few with the societal evolution toward females in positions of authority.
I examined the list you sent me and a number of things jumped out at me. First, we need to understand that pedophilia is when an adult engages in sexual activity with a child. The list you gave me was primarily adult women having a premature and yes, illegal sexual encounter with teenage boys. Most of the males in the list you gave me were 15, 16 and 17. While still a crime because they are minors, that is not the same thing as a pedophile seeking out children.
What was interesting about the list you gave me was how the overwhelming majority of the women were either the teenage male’s teacher or neighbor. These were cases where an adult woman misused her position of authority and engaged in sexual relations with a minor. That is a crime but it is not being a pedophile. I would bet that the majority of these women had never done this with another minor and I bet that most of these women did not have a history of preying on young males.
Chances are there was some kind of an emotional attachment between student and teacher or between teenager and neighbor, and these women entered into an inappropriate sexual relationship with a minor. It was telling how many of these women claimed that they were in love with the teenage boy and how many women said they were lonely. That is no excuse but it does reveal the difference between these women and a pedophile that preys on children.
Another thing I noticed from the list you sent me was that most of these women received a light sentence, either home arrest or community service or a couple months in detention. Obviously the legal system did not think that these women were a danger to society.
Some would argue there is a double standard and that men convicted of the same crime would receive a much harsher penalty, and they are correct, there is a double standard. But I am sure Judges and juries could not remove the emotional attachment some of these women had with males that were only a year or two away from being adults themselves, thus the lighter sentences. And as I wrote in my latest book, males on these juries tend to identify the male minor as being fortunate, thinking back to when they were that age when they entertained the fantasy of being taught the facts of life by an adult woman.
I was recently reading about a case where a New Jersey Superior Court Judge shocked observers during the sentencing hearing of a 43-year-old teacher who pleaded guilty to second-degree sexual assault after admitting that she had had sex with a 13-year-old boy many times over a six-month period. The Judge gave the woman probation rather than three years in prison, and he opined the following:
“So I really don't see the harm that was done here. … I don't see anything here that shows that this young man has been psychologically damaged by her actions. And don't forget, this was mutual consent. Now certainly under the law, he is too young to legally consent, but that's what the law says. Some of the legislators should remember when they were that age.”
So if there is a double standard, it is because of the male attitude. A lot of men have had fantasies since puberty of having sex with adult women, be it teachers, neighbors, and other female authority figures. So when men are on these juries and when men are the judges, they tend to be more sympathetic to the adult woman in these cases.
I addressed this in my book “The FemDom Experience”:
I would venture to say that most teenage males have had some variation of the older woman fantasy, and that fantasy usually never goes away, even when the male reaches adulthood.
When the high-profile case of the attractive Florida teacher who had sexual relations with her fourteen year old male student was all over the news, websites were created by adult males, posting pictures of the woman and creating discussion boards, most expressing support for the teacher. Males discussed the situation with the attitude of “how did this boy get so lucky?” and “why couldn’t that have happened to me when I was fourteen?” Obviously the majority of people are going to find the story of a fourteen year old having sex with his teacher to be morally repugnant, and rightfully so, but at the same time a lot of adult men thought this kid was fortunate to have sex with the hottest teacher at his school. One male poster shared,
“Think about it. Remember when you were in high school, fantasizing about that one afternoon where your hot Spanish teacher would keep you after class and the two of you would have wild, passionate sex right on her desk? Well this kid actually did it! He had sex with the hot teacher! And when his cousin wouldn't believe him, he somehow convinced her to have sex in the back of a car as his cousin drove them around! Clearly this woman has some issues, but my hat's off to her for fulfilling every adolescent boy's fantasy.”
As her trial got national coverage, “Free Debra” websites appeared and press reports claimed that she received mail from men all over the world supporting her. She even got marriage proposals (although she was already married). Her eventual avoidance of any jail time was cheered by these websites.
The all-too-common male response to this case was greeted by disgust by those who were looking at the criminal aspects of the case. What the shocked and dismayed observers of this case failed to realize was that these supportive sites and commentaries by men were not about the crime itself. These men never viewed it as a crime. These men were simply living out their own fantasies through the media attention to this story, a fantasy they probably had since they were fourteen.
I think this answers your question of “Will a female dominated environment increase or decrease such crimes?” The answer, in my opinion, is that a female dominated environment will decrease such crimes because women are the protectors of children and women will protect children not only against men, but also against women. An increase of women in power is what has driven the passage of more laws protecting children and minors. Women in power will protect the innocent. Women that prey on minors will not find mercy from female Judges and female lawmakers.
The female domination lifestyle has nothing to do with these criminal cases. I would imagine if they did a sampling of the women on the list you sent me, few, if any, practice the female domination lifestyle. I doubt that these women were driven by a desire to dominate these young males. From reading their defenses, it sounds like most of these women were lonely and depressed. And in the more hard cases, there was the influence of drugs and alcohol.
A friend of mine, who is a female supremacist, has a saying; “The female gender is superior to the male gender, but not all women are superior to all men.” What she means is that a woman must prove her character in this life by her actions. Every woman has within the seeds of being a superior female but if she chooses to throw that away, that is her choice.
On the positive side, the list you sent me was for all 50 states, so although that seems like a lot of cases in a two month period, given the population of the United States, it really is not that many cases and when you remove the women who received basically a slap on the wrist due to the Mrs. Robinson syndrome (consensual sex between a mature teenager and an adult woman) the list becomes very small when compared to how many men abuse children and minors in our society.
So let me reiterate, while the number of cases of adult women that are having sexual relations with male minors is on the rise, the vast majority of women have the moral character to be in positions of leadership and authority. Ninety-nine percent plus of females in positions of authority are trustworthy and have demonstrated their superior character. Never lose sight of all the good when these few, rare cases of the bad make headlines. Thanks for the question.
Q. Elise, if it is true that men really want to submit to us, why is there so much rape and domestic violence? Why don't these women victims recognize their "natural superiority?" For something to be so natural it's too bad that Dommes are considered "rare."
A. Your question is the invert of the above question. The previous question was about women as the perpetrator. Your question is about women as the victim.
Without getting overly spiritual or overly philosophical, we would do well to always remember that we live is a flawed (or what the Bible calls, ‘fallen’) world. The criminal element exists and some do prey on the weaker among us. The male nature is an aggressive and sometimes violent nature. Men have been raping and abusing women since the beginning of human history. But just as it is wrong to equate all women with a few female perpetrators, it would be wrong to equate all men with rapists and the abusers of women.
Some feminists have tried to say that all men are rapists at heart but I have never agreed with that. I think most men want to submit to women and most men want to treat women with reverence and respect. A male that allows his aggressive and violent nature to overrule his moral compass, his common decency and his self-control has given in to the beast nature of man, that animalistic instinct, and thus he disrespects the female nature, which is not only a crime against humanity, but it is also a crime against himself. For women produce life and only by a woman is a man brought into the world. To turn on the female nature, to abuse the female nature is to abuse life.
Men that rape and abuse women have deeper issues. It is a sign that he hates himself and the world around him. To abuse a woman is to abuse beauty. It is the abuse of life itself. It is to abuse the feminine side of God. Such a man does not deserve to live with an earthly Goddess. Therefore, no woman should ever live with or enter into a relationship with a man that has it in his heart to channel his hurts, his aggression and his violence toward her.
The female nature will in most cases tame the aggressive male nature. The female nature will stir the submissive nature in man. But if a man will not yield to the female nature and if a male will abuse the female nature, than that man does not deserve the honor of partaking of the female nature through a relationship with a woman.
Why do some women put up with abuse? Sadly, many women do not view themselves as Goddesses, Queens, and worthy of honor and respect. Some women have been abused by the male gender since childhood so they accept it as the way it’s meant to be. The need for male acceptance is strong in some women therefore they put up with abuse.
However, the good news is that this is changing with each generation. Women are beginning to expect and demand to be treated with respect and adoration. In the past, when men had the power through societal institutions, women did not have many options when they found themselves in abusive relationships. But as women are becoming more independent and more self-sufficient, they do not have to stay in abusive relationships. Now women are turning the tables and are taking control of relationships and they are setting the rules and laying out the expectations.
In my opinion, a female domination relationship is the best way to assure against male violence. Having the physically stronger male in the submissive role is the best way to combat male aggression. Female domination brings balance and harmony as the woman is in charge of the relationship and the man serves the woman. Thus the beast nature of man is tamed and the aggressive and violent urges are brought under control of the woman. Now the submissive nature of man can rule his heart and mind, thus bringing him peace and contentment.
A woman would be wise to seek a submissive male as a partner and a woman would be wise to make a potential mate prove himself to her prior to marriage. The woman that demands excellence from a man during the dating process and the woman that takes the reigns of the relationship from the get-go will greatly reduce the likelihood that she will be a victim of domestic abuse. And those of us that have a harmonious relationship based on loving female authority need to share with other women that this way of life is possible for them. Thanks for that important question.
Q. Hello Elise, I am a high school teacher (female) and I teach a sex education class (all girls, no boys). I observe the girls at our school and I am struck at how aggressive the girls are with boys. I handed out an anonymous questionnaire (standard from the state approved curriculum) and I was pleasantly surprised to see how many girls were still virgins. Nonetheless, most of them marked down that they engage in oral sex with their boyfriends, with (and get this) the girls more likely being on the receiving end. Although a rather high number marked that they had given oral, the number was higher for the number of girls that had received oral sex.
I was recently talking to one of my students, an intelligent sixteen-year-old girl that really has her head on straight. She takes Advanced Placement classes and is a straight “A” student. I was asking her about her and her friend’s dating habits. She was very open with me and rather mature beyond her years.
She told me that it was normal for girls her age to pressure their dates into “going down on them”. She told me that she knew several girls, herself included, who intended to save sex for marriage and are very happy confining sex to cunnilingus. I asked her if most of her friends “went down on boys?” She said a few but most did not. She did not.
I am not sure what to think about this but I can’t help but believe that this is positive. While it would be preferable that high school students not engage in any sex, I think that is becoming unrealistic with all the peer pressure and the constant bombardment of sexual images in the media and popular culture. These kids have raging hormones and it is very hard for them to abstain. However, I see a positive trend in the number of girls that are saying no to intercourse. I also think it shows something about the societal evolution you talk about in that these girls are pressuring their boyfriends to go down on them but they may not necessarily return the favor. Maybe it’s the feminist in me, but I believe this is a positive development.
I thought you might want to know this for your research. In addition to this, I can report that the achievement gap between boys and girls is extremely wide at our school with girls dominating in most academic areas. I think it is clear that this is becoming a woman's world, and it will become more obvious when this younger generation takes over.
A. I have talked to a lot of young ladies on college campuses and when the subject of sex comes up, it is amazing how many young women tell me exactly the same thing. A lot of young women have decided to abstain from intercourse because of morality reasons and because of the potential risks of STD’s and/or the risk of becoming pregnant.
However, most of these young women tell me that they do receive cunnilingus from their boyfriends on a regular basis and like you said, some of them do not return the deed. This is definitely a society statement of how girls are becoming the dominant sexual partner. It seems that the young women with the healthiest self-mages are the ones that are most likely to abstain from intercourse, thinking about their future and their goals in life, yet still having an active sex life but limiting that sex life to being orally pleasured by their boyfriends. I find this to be an interesting sociological trend, a trend that further reveals how the societal roles of the sexes are being redefined with each subsequent generation.
It sounds like the young lady you were talking about is such a woman, and I commend her for having a strong enough self-image to wait until marriage before she allows a male the highest honor of intercourse.
Whenever I get the chance, I tell young women to make their boyfriends prove themselves worthy of them and to never compromise their values. I tell young women that they can accomplish great achievements in this life, so set lofty goals and never settle for less. Hopefully they will fall in love with a wonderful man who treats them like a Goddess and a Queen. But I remind them to guard their hearts and never settle for less than what they deserve. I stress that some guys are great at sweet talking a girl, but always judge men by what they do, not what they say. A male that is worthy of a woman will treat her like a Queen, even if he knows he is not going to be allowed intercourse.
The roles of the sexes are changing when it comes to the dating process. Women are more aggressive and women are taking the lead in deciding what will and what will not be permitted in the way of a sexual relationship. While there are still far too many girls that are seeking male acceptance, we are seeing more and more girls that are expecting and demanding that their dates and boyfriends treat them with respect.
I agree with your conclusion that this younger generation of women is going to be a generation of dynamos. Thank you for sharing and best wishes!
Q. Hi Elise, I thoroughly enjoy your website as it is a wealth of information that is greatly appreciated. Thank you!
My husband is presently locked up in a CB-2000. It works great for orgasm denial, but, hygiene is an issue. Within 5-7 days, sores will start to form. Every effort is made to keep it clean, however, but to no avail.
My goal is to keep him locked up and denied 24/7. I have no use or desire for his cock, but I do love the feeling of being full, especially by a well-hung cock (cuckolding is in the near future). For now, to satisfy my desire, I'll make my husband penetrate me with my dildo, which is strapped over his chastity device.
I'd like to know if the Prince Albert would be a recommendation as another form of orgasm denial? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
A. A Prince Albert piercing in itself is not male chastity. The Prince Albert pierces the head of the penis from the outside of the frenulum and into the urethra. It is the most common male genital piercing and some males get this particular piercing so they can wear genital jewelry such as a circular barbell and what they call a prince’s wand.
However, a Prince Albert can be used in conjunction with a chastity device, making the chastity device more secure and more permanent. There are chastity devices made especially for those males with a Prince Albert piercing, like a Mistress Lori chastity device or a BuddyLock chastity device. Even the CB2000 and the CB3000 can be made more permanent and secure with what is known as a Prince Albert cable. A Prince Albert cable is a stainless steel braided cable which is coated with nylon and it goes through the PA piercing and each loop attaches to the hasp of the padlock of the chastity device.
So a Prince Albert piercing is only as good as the chastity device you decide to use with it. If your husband is having problems with his CB2000, getting him a Prince Albert piercing might make the CB2000 more secure if you get him the PA cable, but it will not solve his problems with the CB2000. It sounds like you may want to check out other chastity devices. Each person is different and what works for one male may not work for another.
The CB2000, The Curve and the CB3000 are excellent chastity devices and lots of males wear them. However, the biggest complaint from the male wearers is that the rings can pinch the balls and the restrictive nature of the rings can make it uncomfortable to perform physical activities, especially if the male’s balls are tight to his body.
A device like the BuddyLock can solve this problem as the BuddyLock works in union with a waist band, thus no pressure in and around the balls.
You mentioned how you like to strap your favorite dildo around your husband’s waist and “ride the dildo” while he is locked in his chastity device. ‘Tickleberry’ sells different types of chastity devices and they make a special harness so a woman can strap a dildo to her husband while he is wearing his chastity device. This way she can have penetration sex with him but she is the only one who feels the pleasure. The male must experience the frustration of being denied even while his wife or girlfriend is being pleasured by the dildo. It makes for a great D&S mind game or a fun way to enhance “teasing and denial” play.
Just imagine a male that has been denied for a couple of weeks and his wife tells him that she is in the mood to be “fucked”. He thinks she is going to let him out of his chastity device and he becomes excited, however she produces the Male Chastity Dildo Harness and straps her favorite dildo to his waist and rides him while he is on his back. She orders him to suck her breasts and to fondle her body with his hands, and she is experiencing earth shattering orgasms but her poor hubby is denied and frustrated, his bulging penis still trapped inside the restrictive cage. Now that sounds like a wonderful FemDom experience, don’t you think?
Q. Dear Elise, Do you think submission in a man is more of a personality trait or is it a decision? Is it something genetic or is it as I read in your book “the exercising of the human will” to choose to be submissive?
A. That’s a great, great question. I think one of the biggest misconceptions about dominance and submission is that personality or temperament determines who is dominant and who is submissive. The fallacy of the patriarchal system is that since men are physically bigger and by nature more aggressive, they should be in the dominant position over societal institutions, including the family unit. But muscle, brawn and testosterone have nothing to do with the ability to be in authority.
Some of the most successful leaders, governors and administrators have been people of a quiet personality and a laidback disposition. Being mindful, being thoughtful, the ability to multi-task, the ability to nurture, the ability to correct via loving discipline are female attributes that are more compatible with being in a position of authority. And the male nature knows this and desires this. Nevertheless, submission is ultimately a decision and a choice. A man can desire it and his temperament can make it easier for him to adapt to it, but at some point, a man has to choose to submit to a woman.
A perfect example is in the workplace. A male might be driven, aggressive, a competitor and a “type A” personality but if his boss or supervisor is a woman, he has to submit to her authority. She may be of a more laidback personality, not as decisive, and on the outer appearance not as charismatic of a leader. However, the company has chosen her to be in charge because she possesses the management skills and the people skills they want in a position of authority. Therefore, the so-called alpha male must choose to submit to her or else face the consequences of strife and insubordination.
The same goes for a marriage. No matter the male’s personality or temperament, he can still choose to submit. Just like the male at the workplace, the husband may have to learn to bite his tongue and to lay down his male pride from time to time, but if he will accept his position and endeavor to excel in the submissive role, peace and harmony will flourish in the relationship.
I have outlined in great detail in both of my books how the seeds of submission are within all men, and these seeds are cultivated through childhood and life experiences, especially the interactions with adult female authority figures. Nevertheless, no matter how strong or weak the desire to submit, it still comes down to the human will. Any man can choose to submit to a woman, for whatever the reason. Even if the male has the stronger personality, the marriage can still be FemDom based on loving female authority as long as the male makes that quality decision to submit to the woman’s rule. By definition, “obedience is the act and the practice of obeying”. To act and to practice requires a choice, thus it requires the exercising of the human will. Thanks for the question.
Q. Dear Ms Sutton, my wife and I have been practicing female domination for the past two years and it has really enhanced and blessed our marriage. Your book “Female Domination” was what opened my wife’s eyes to the benefits of this way of life. Before she read your book she thought D/s was kinky and perverted. Now she understands why I desire to submit to her.
We were having a discussion the other night about a desire I have which my wife thinks is too extreme to introduce into our sex life. I don’t want to mention it here since my wife has decided not to explore this with me, but our conversation did bring up a question.
She has blossomed into an incredible dominant woman and she loves being in charge and she expects my complete submission, but she views D/s totally different than I do. She keeps it 90% to the domestic and sensual acts of D/s, whereas I desire more of the leather and whips stuff in the bedroom. She gives me some of that too, but it is interesting how we view D/s differently.
What do you say about how women view female domination compared to the submissive male perspective?
A. It is true that in most cases, women view dominance in a different light than men do. Women are more realistic and are more in-touch with their needs. That is why men must understand the importance of seducing the female dominant nature by concentrating on the servitude aspects of female dominance and not focusing entirely on the D&S and sexual activities.
Most women evolve in their dominance and the D&S sexual activities usually come later. In the beginning, most women are attracted to the practical aspects of female domination. They enjoy being pampered, romanced and served both domestically and sexually. Women are wired toward the practical and the romantic, whereas men are wired toward the sexual and the more hardcore D&S activities. Yet, as a woman's dominant nature begins to blossom, many times she will begin to desire the D&S as well. But a man must have patience and must afford her the room to grow.
Don’t forget, most men (yourself included) have a head start on women when it comes to the female domination lifestyle. Men spend years fantasizing and exploring their submissive and sexual desires. Then the man finally musters the courage to introduce this lifestyle to a woman but he makes the big mistake of expecting her to immediately become the fulfillment of those desires. That is unrealistic for it took the male years to develop his submissive nature so he needs to afford the female time to explore and develop her dominant nature. Romance, servitude, and striving to meet the needs of the female is the process of a man putting feet to his fantasies for female domination.
But once a woman begins to come into her dominance then the man had better watch out. It is a common tale that has been played out in real life over and over again. The female is a nervous beginner who basically got involved in FemDom at the request and pleading of her husband. She is timid and unsure of herself and she views her man’s desires as strange and unnatural. But something on the inside of her resonates that this is not unnatural but rather the way life should be.
Her dominant nature is touched and she experiences a metamorphosis and her dominant nature becomes unleashed from the servitude and submission of her husband. Then the woman grows to love her power and she begins to desire to take her husband deeper into submission, deeper then he wanted to go. This is a common experience and when it occurs it is the male that becomes perplexed at how dominant his wife has become. So a man should be careful for what he wishes for because one day he might get it, and then some.
So be thankful that your wife is exploring the “leather and the whips” with you occasionally in the bedroom but always remember that female domination is about a man serving a woman. It is not about your wife fulfilling your fantasies. Therefore, continue to strive to serve how she enjoys to be served. Keep the focus on her and her needs and you will be happy and fulfilled. I do wish you both continued growth.
Q. I am writing to you for your opinion regarding what seems to me to be an unusual marital situation and two questions I have about it. During the early years of our marriage, our relationship was conventional in that I was the dominant male partner in a happy marriage, and unconventional in that I tried to impose upon and/or cajole my wife into accept my spanking her and other forms of mild D/s play. She reluctantly went along with the game but her obvious lack of enthusiasm for the submissive role caused us to abandon this aspect of our relationship for many years. During those years, I was content to read erotic D/s novels (and write/publish a number of them, too) that focused on the theme.
A year ago I came upon a female-in-control site (yours) and was amazed to realize that I found it not only interesting, but arousing. I mentioned this to my wife and showed her the site. To my surprise she evidenced real fascination. That prompted a discussion of our earlier experimentation and she made clear that my dominating her sexually had been very distasteful and that she was very glad when it ended. In the course of the conversation, it came out that I had replaced my real life interest in the subject with a fantasy fiction-based one and that I had often masturbated when reading such stories. That conversation turned out to be a life-changing one. Her simultaneous exposure to your site and my confession about the frequent self-gratification, resulted in her insistence that the masturbation cease and her suggesting that if it didn’t; she would “punish me.” Thinking she was joking, or perhaps testing the idea, I laughingly agreed. Soon thereafter, I was shaken awake in the middle of the night and informed that I had been playing with myself while sleeping. The following morning, she insisted that she was going to discipline me for the unauthorized activity of the previous night. I agreed, in part to see if she was serious, and in part because I was curious about what my own reaction to the role reversal of being spanked by my wife would be.
That was one year ago. Since then everything has changed. She is now fully and enthusiastically in charge. I have accepted her demand that I not touch my penis – other than during showers and bathroom functions – except under her supervision. She has acquired a leather paddle and a fly swatter. She uses the paddle on my rear end to correct me for household infractions like leaving clothes strewn about, failing to put dishes from my late night munches in the dishwasher, etc. The fly swatter is reserved for my balls and is administered for any lapses in the all-important (to her) rule regarding not touching my penis. I have to wear a penis cage at night and during the day if I am at home and she is not. I am allowed no orgasms except those she “authorizes” and these are provided only by her and she is constantly increasing the time interval between them. She seems to very much enjoy my frustration, and despite it, I have increasingly come to realize that her having control somehow seems right.
The questions: (1) Is it reasonable for a man in a female-in-charge marriage to have to look forward to never being able to masturbate - or even touch his penis - for the rest of his life, or is this too much for a wife to reasonably demand; (2) How can one end up being a very happy husband – and I am – with such a total reversal from sexually dominant male to a very much submissive husband?
A. It is reasonable for a man in a female-in-charge marriage to submit to his wife’s wishes and desires. That is the definition of a “female-in-charge” marriage. She is the boss and she sets the rules. What those rules consist of is totally up to her. Each marriage and each relationship is different.
You obviously unleashed her dominant nature when you introduced her to D&S and when you showed her my site. She did not enjoy being in submission to you because it went against her nature. But once you showed her that the roles could be reversed, that piqued her interest and once she began to experiment with her dominant side, she discovered her true sexuality and her true nature.
Likewise, you have discovered your role and you have found that the eroticism in a male submitting to a woman. You both are happy and you have come to the realization that having her in charge is what’s right for your relationship.
Because you have been a habitual masturbator for most of your marriage, you are finding it difficult to surrender this over to her. That is to be expected but by your own admission, you are enjoying having your wife being in control over your sex life. Now what you need to do is change your focus away from you, and transfer it over to her. You are accustomed to being sexually selfish, gratifying yourself. Now you must learn how to be sexually selfless, focusing on obeying your wife and being attentive to her needs, sexually, domestically and socially.
This lifestyle is a process and a journey. So relax and enjoy the ride. It will have some ups and downs and there will be adjustment periods where you will have to learn to adapt to your wife’s authority. You are happy in the submissive role, so embrace the submissive role. Forget about societal expectations and old patriarchal traditions. You are happy submitting to your wonderful wife. Love her, serve her and never take what you have for granted. I do wish you both all the best.
