Q&A Forum - June/July 2017
Q. Ms Sutton, what is the correlation between a woman who wears glasses and domination? I find attractive women who wear glasses to be dominant. I see the same attractive woman and I am sexually attracted to her but when she puts on a pair of glasses, my desire turns more toward submission.
I have begun collecting pictures of women wearing glasses on my computer and it has developed into a fetish. I find when I view these pictures, I feel submissive. I also have a thing for female news reporters on television who wear glasses. I find women who wear glasses to be sexy and dominant and that makes me feel weak and submissive.
A. You feel submissive when viewing a woman wearing glasses because it is an image that portrays to you that the woman is smart and intelligent, and thus superior to you, and you find that thought to be both sexually arousing and submissively stimulating.
A person who wears glasses has long been stereotyped as being studious and smart. This goes back to when it was thought that a person who read too much developed eye strain and thus they needed to wear glasses. Obviously that is not true but the “book worm” stereotype is that of a person who wears glasses. Therefore, a woman who wears glasses gives off the imagery that she is very intelligent and that imagery touches your submissive nature.
You find women to be sexual and you are easily aroused by an attractive woman. Those are normal male desires. But when that woman puts on a pair of glasses, she is transformed in your mind from sexual female to intelligent female and this arouses you both sexually and submissively because this imagery touches your submissive nature. Deep down, you believe that women are superior to you and you believe women are more intelligent. The glasses simply add the imagery to your inner feelings and desires. You want the women in those pictures and on the television news programs to dominate you. The glasses become an object that signifies female domination and that is what you truly desire.
Your challenge is to move from fantasy to reality. Collecting and viewing pictures of beautiful and intelligent women may provide you temporary submissive fulfillment but, as I am sure you know, it is fleeing. What you need is to have a real relationship with an intelligent woman whom you can support and serve. The great news for you is that your fetish is much easier attainable than a man who has, say, a boot fetish. It will not be too hard to find a woman who wears glasses. Be that as it may, whether she wears glasses or not, what is most important is your recognition of her intelligence and your appreciation of her intelligence. Intelligence is an attractive and sexy trait and I am sure there are plenty of women you know who may not be “supermodels” when it comes to their outward appearance but they have that inner female power, that superiority and that intelligence that arouses your submissive nature. A relationship with such a woman will fulfill your submissive desires and that is what you truly need. Take care.
Q. Dear Elise, my question is: Are the men that enjoy foot and body worship necessarily submissive? Can a man desire to worship the female body without being submissive?
A. We need to break down your short but excellent question in order to properly examine it. There are submissive acts and there are men with submissive natures. Naturally, the man who has a submissive nature usually desires to perform submissive acts when interacting sexually with a female. And obviously a man’s desires and fetishes are a reflection of his inner nature. Therefore, a man who desires to perform foot and body worship on a woman is usually acting out of his desire to submit to the woman, even if that act of submission is temporary and confined to the sexual arena.
The very fact that the word “worship” is utilized to describe these sexual activities is a clear indication that the man views the female as being a Goddess and thus superior to him. The man may be of an aggressive and dominant personality but when confronted with the beauty of the female, he feels overcome with a desire to be humbled and the desire to worship and adore the beautiful female. This is a submissive act and it is rooted in a submissive nature.
A man may not view himself as submissive and he may have no desire for a FemDom relationship but the inner submissive nature of man is still there and a man who has a desire to plant kisses on the female foot or wants to suck her toes or wants to lick her shoes, is displaying his desire to be in the submissive role, even if only temporary. I maintain that those same coals of submissive passion can become a flame of a submissive lifestyle that is expressed both inside and outside the bedroom. The desire for a certain act may be temporary and only occasional but the root of those desires are embedded within the soul of man.
Obviously a man can desire to worship a woman’s body orally and be enthralled with the female anatomy without openly admitting to harboring a submissive nature. Furthermore, an alpha male who acts dominant inside and outside the bedroom can have the sexual desire to orally pleasure a woman’s body from head to toe. Such an act can be a mutual exchange of love or such an act can be a selfish act. The man who is totally focused on his pleasure and uses the woman’s body for his own sexual stimulation views the act as foreplay for when he will be pleasured. But that is not female “body worship”.
The man who truly worships the female body is on a different level. He is a man who is driven by desires that are rooted within his very being. To him, such an act is more than just sexual stimulation. It is an exercise of love, romance and yes, submission. Female body worship is an act that is intense, special and even spiritual. The man who truly worships the female is so focused on her that he never wants this activity to end. Body worship is not merely foreplay to another act, but rather body worship is the main event. Time stands still and the woman’s pleasure is all that matters to him.
So to get back to your question, a man can certainly be “turned on” by a part of the female anatomy and have a desire to touch it with parts of his anatomy without being in the submissive role. But a man with a desire to humble himself at the feet of a woman or worship her body as an act of love and devotion, is displaying his inner submissive nature. And the female can easily discern the difference between a man full of lust in search of temporary pleasure and the man who truly worships a woman.
Q. Hi Elise, First, allow me to thank you for your excellent site. I have found it both useful and comforting.
Excuse me if this seems a bit of a petty question to drop into your undoubtedly busy schedule but... Is there any difference between Smothering and Queening?
I always thought these two terms were interchangeable but then noticed that Wikipedia only contains facesitting and queening information. I was about to correct this by adding a smothering section and realized that I might actual be posting incorrect info if I assumed they were all the same thing. Are they?
A. Queening is definitely a form of face-sitting and can be associated with smothering. Yet, Queening is about much more than just these activities. Therefore, I would classify Queening as its own separate and unique activity.
At its core, Queening is basically where the dominant female sits her tush on the face of a submissive male and has him orally service her bottom. This is an erotic and pleasurable experience for the woman, and a very humiliating and submissive act for the male. Not only does the submissive man crave to kiss and orally worship the feminine bottom but he also desires to be crushed by it. He desires to be held captive and helpless through the act of Queening so that he is conquered and at the mercy of his female captor.
Queening differs from face-sitting in that most face-sitting as far as a sexual activity is concerned, involves a woman placing her crotch on a man’s face. Cunninglus is usually associated with the term face-sitting. Queening is more associated with Analingus. Naturally, Queening is a variation of face-sitting, as a woman sits her feminine bottom on her male subject’s face. This can be for the purpose of analingus or it can be for smothering but usually the main purpose of Queening is the FemDom aspect of power and control. Queening is a form of bondage, face-sitting, humiliation, analingus, and smothering, but not exclusive of any.
Queening can also be a form of fetish exploration. A male might have a fetish for the female bottom or a combination of a fetish for the female bottom and a material that separates the man from direct contact with the female .A woman might be wearing panties, or pantyhose, or leather pants, or latex shorts. A man may have a fetish for leather and the act of Queening allows him to be trapped beneath a woman’s bottom, and thus he is immersed in the taste and the aroma of leather, while being helpless under the control of the woman. The same would be true for any other material she could be wearing.
Queening can be an exercise in smothering, as the woman can smother her submissive with her tush (be it bare or clothed) and she can control his breathing through the Queening session. The woman can allow the male a hand signal and when he has had too much, he will signal her and she will raise up to allow him air, only to smother him some more and on and on it goes. Smothering and breath play should only be attempted by people who are educated about the risks and the safety techniques.
Smothering is not unique to Queening, as a man can be smothered by other parts of the female anatomy, including her breasts, her thighs, her feet and of course, her crotch. Smothering can also occur with an non-intimate object like a pillow, a gas mask, a plastic bag or a hood. So as you can see, smothering and Queening are different activities, although Queening can be used as a means to smother a submissive.
One final note, I have covered the dangers of Breath Play and Smothering in other Q&A’s so I would highly recommend that you read those entries in the Q&A Archives and that you do your own research about taking all proper precautions when engaging in any kind of Breath Play or Smothering. Always play safe! Take care.
Q. Hello Ms. Sutton, I'm a guy but I thought I'd ask your advice about certain male traits. Why is it so much easier to humiliate guys than girls? We were always taught that men were emotionally stronger than women, so why is it guys get their feelings hurt so much faster than women and are embarrassed/humiliated so easily?
How important do you think Humiliation Play is within a FemDom relationship?
A. Men are easier to humiliate because of the fragile male ego. Men put much more worth in their ego and their pride. Men are far more likely to care what other men think about them, than women care about what other women think. Men are more competitive and they gain too much esteem from their conquests in life (accomplishments, awards, trophies, etc.). Men want to win at all costs, even if they have to cheat, because it’s not how you play the game but whether you win or lose.
Men will even date a woman purely for looks. If other men find her attractive, a man will date her, regardless if they are socially or intellectually compatible. A woman is just another trophy to the male ego. All of these reasons are why it is so easy for a woman to humiliate a man. Men are easy targets because of the fragile male ego. And the easiest target is the male penis. Humiliate a man about his penis and a woman strikes the male ego right where he lives.
One must never lose sight that there is a positive way to humiliate a man and a destructive way to humiliate a man. The destructive way is dangerous as a wounded male ego can drive a man to work harder to inflate that ego. Many insecure males who were wounded by a woman have wrecked much havoc in this world. Men have been known to destroy others all in the quest to find acceptance from a woman. This was motivated by the fragile male ego.
Humiliation play within a FemDom relationship can be a positive experience for a man. It is beneficial for a man to have his ego shattered within the secure confines of relationship with a woman he loves. Intense humiliation play can help a man to surrender his pride and to be humbled in such a way that he can than receive love and nurturing from the very woman who has wounded him. Then he can be edified in a healthy and productive manner. The submissive nature of man is often trapped behind the male outer shell of the male ego. Sometimes a woman must crack that shell in order to free the man inside. That is the proper application of humiliation play.
Q. Dear Ms Sutton, I've read Your site and noted that You believe that the male in the Female Dominant relationship should be kept in chastity. I am submissive but I am also single. Is chastity something that I should practice even though I am not in a relationship? If so, do You have any recommendation on how frequently, if at all, I should have an orgasm?
A. By chaste, I assume you are talking about restraining from pleasuring yourself since you are not in a relationship with a woman. Self-control and self-discipline are wonderful characteristics in a man. Sadly, few men are able to restrain without the loving but firm hand of a woman there to train them. Nevertheless, your goal should be to exercise self-control. Remember that habits formed now will be present later once you are in a relationship, and if they are negative or unproductive habits, they will have to be dealt with by the female in your life. Therefore, it is always best to develop positive and productive habits.
If you are a healthy and vibrant male, it is doubtful that you can remain totally chaste simply by utilizing willpower. You may have short-term success but it is doubtful you will be able to sustain over the long haul unless there is someone to hold you accountable for your actions. I highly encourage you to develop self-control and self-discipline by not engaging in habitual masturbation.
How often is not for me to say but a good starting place would be to improve upon your normal habit. If you masturbate every day, I would encourage you to see if you can exercise self-control for a couple of days or even a week. If you can master that, than try for longer. Again, the habits you develop now will be present with you once you are in a relationship. Therefore, don’t sustain just to sustain but rather view self-discipline as a training exercise and a gift you can present to the woman of your future.
If you find that you are weak and cannot sustain, than you may want to seek out a woman to whom you can be accountable. You could develop a relationship with a Pro Dom or a Phone Dom to whom you can be accountable until you find yourself in a personal relationship with a woman. I applaud you for your willingness to develop self-discipline and I wish you the very best.
Q. Dear Ms. Sutton, I'm curious that you have not addressed removal of the penis on your very complete and education site. If sex is purely for the pleasure of the woman, and orgasm denial is recommended for the male, then this line of thinking will often lead to permanent denial. I know that many men have this fantasy of getting their member "removed" by a leather clad Amazon, but I also know that the procedure can be done in a medical environment (for a price) with safety foremost in mind.
If the male is left with his testicles, he won't have any hormonal problems, and his sex drive and desire to serve will be as strong as ever. And unlike chastity devices which can interfere with exercise, cause sores, set off metal detectors, and can be defeated, the woman can be assured that orgasm-like sexual pleasure will be very difficult (likely impossible; the literature is inconclusive) for her man.
But as you say, "nothing is permanent," and this procedure is extreme. Can Penectomy ever be part of a female-superior relationship, or does it indicate some sort of psychosis?
A. Before I give my opinion on this, allow me to give a little background information. A Penectomy is the total or partial surgical removal of the penis. This is usually done for one of two reasons: Penile cancer and sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) from male to female. Less commonly, but still well documented, there are people who undergo voluntary penectomy.
Here are some details to a penectomy. A satisfying sex life is possible after a partial penectomy. The remaining shaft of the penis still becomes erect with excitement. It usually gains enough length to achieve penetration. Although the most sensitive area of the penis (the glans or "head") is gone, a man can still reach orgasm and have normal ejaculation.
A total penectomy operation removes the entire penis. The man can still control his urination, because the "on-off" valve in the urethra is above the level of the penis.
Some men give up on sex after total penectomy. However, pleasure is still possible after total penectomy. A man can learn to reach orgasm when sensitive areas such as the scrotum and skin behind the scrotum are caressed.
Some men have undergone penectomies as a voluntary body modification, but professional opinion is divided as to whether or not the desire for penile amputation is a pathology, thus including it as part of a body dysmorphic disorder. Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a mental disorder which involves a disturbed body image. The central feature of BDD is that persons who are afflicted with it are excessively dissatisfied with their body because of a perceived physical defect.
What is rarely addressed is the FemDom aspects of a total penectomy. A man does not have to suffer from BDD is order to desire a voluntary penectomy, as to him it would be a form of permanent chastity. He may be totally satisfied with his body and his appearance and may view the penectomy as permanent male chastity.
On a personal note, I do know of a couple where the wife had the husband undertake this extreme step as the ultimate in permanent male chastity. The man had no negative health problems after his recovery from the surgery but he lives a life more or less as a eunuch while his wife enjoys a very healthy and active sex life with other partners, which was her goal. The husband has a career but when he is at home he is feminized and serves as his wife’s personal sissy maid. They engage in D&S sexual practices but he is not permitted sex with her and of course he is no longer able to have intercourse with a woman. It goes without saying that a penectomy to enforce permanent chastity is extreme FemDom.
What is my take on this? I do not endorse this practice if the goal is permanent chastity. In fact, I am squeamish when it comes to this procedure. It seems to me to be unwise to undergo a permanent and unnecessary surgical procedure when there are other options available for permanent male chastity. True, permanent chastity devices can be cumbersome and intrusive but I think that is part of the fun and part of the mind game with male chastity. To know that a man’s penis is intact but under lock and key brings an entirely different psychological edge to FemDom play. The woman knows that she can free her man’s member if she so chooses. This gives her enormous power.
The permanence of a penectomy removes the ability of the woman to “play with”, “tease” or “torture” her male’s member, if she so chooses. A so-called “permanent” chastity device can be removed. The “permanent” part of permanent chastity is best when the woman has the power to either keep it permanent or allow it to be temporary. She has the control and she makes the decision but the penectomy limits her options and that is never a wise thing to do.
I hope you are inquiring about this strictly for educational or fantasy purposes. I strongly recommend that you never pursue this in reality. No matter how excited the fantasy of being emasculated by a woman to this extreme may make you, more than likely you would greatly regret it for the rest of your life if you were to ever follow through. Once again, fantasy does not always translate to reality.
Q. If I'm ever fortunate enough in the future to find a relationship with a dominant woman, I'll know better. But therein lies the rub - as a submissive male, I find it very difficult to enter into a relationship with a woman. As my inner nature is one of submission and inferiority, how do I approach a woman, especially a dominant one, to have a relationship? It seems like a Catch 22 - in order to engage in a relationship where I can serve a woman, I must be assertive and outgoing in order to attract her in the first place. What can I do?
A. There is a Proverb that says “To have friends, one must be friendly”. You don’t have to be assertive to gain the attention of women but you do have to be kind, considerate and friendly. I take it that you are introverted and shy. That is fine as long as you don’t use your shyness as an excuse. There is nothing wrong with being shy. In fact, that can be to your advantage since opposites do attract. Some outgoing and aggressive women are attracted to shy men. The reason for this is because nature tries to produce balance. A woman’s dominant energy is absorbed by a man’s submissive nature. A woman’s aggressiveness feeds off of a man’s passiveness. An extrovert and an introvert are a great match as they bring balance to each other. Since you are seeking a dominant woman, your shyness and introverted ways can actually be an asset to you.
However, you cannot just do nothing and expect to find a dominant woman. A woman is not going to leap off your computer screen and into your life. You have to get yourself around people, even if that makes you uncomfortable at times. You need to go where women are and the best way to do that is by pursuing your life interests with like-minded people. What are your hobbies? What are you interests? There are all kinds of groups that cater to singles. There are church groups, civic groups and all types of clubs and organizations. You need to get around women and then you need to be friendly.
The key is not to try too hard. Single men who are shy often make the mistake of trying too hard instead of just being themselves. Do you want to attract women? Here are some life secrets. First, have good hygiene. Your appearance is important when you first meet new people. Be clean and dress nice. Women notice a man who wears nice clothes and who has a sharp appearance. Body odor and bad breath are the biggest turn offs so make sure you practice good hygiene.
Second, smile! A smile portrays that you are happy and women will be drawn to that.
Third, be a gentleman. Go out of your way to treat women with respect. Women are also looking and a man who is kind and considerate separates himself from the pack. You can be quiet and shy and still be a gentleman. In fact, women like a good listener and that is another area where your shyness can be an asset. So fourth, be interested in a woman’s life and be a good listener.
Fifth, do not be overly picky. See a woman for her potential and her inner beauty and not just her outward beauty. And finally and above all, just be yourself. Don’t be phony and don’t pretend to be what you are not.
It’s Ok to be shy, laid back, passive and an introvert as long as these traits do not prevent you from experiencing life. If they do, than force yourself to get out there and when you are out there, be attentive. Notice the world around you. You could be in a library and a woman might need a pen and you can be Johnny on the spot. You can be at a mall and a woman may have her hands full and you could hold a door open for her. You could be at the gym and a woman is trying to figure out how to use the new equipment and you could volunteer to show her. Again, be friendly and you will have friends and if you will build a friendship with a single woman, who knows what could transpire from there? I do wish you the best.
Q. I am a single man in search of a dominant woman. How can I, as a submissive male, best serve and please the women who are in my life now? For example, my new boss at work, Jill, is a woman about three years older than me. Her assistant, Amy, who is over me in the department, is 20 years younger than I am. Though I probably have more experience in what I do than both of them combined, I feel somewhat intimidated by them, especially Amy as she tends to be more assertive. While I'm not interested in a sexual relationship with either (they're both married), I do want to be an asset to both of them and to help them advance in their careers. Do you have any suggestions for how I can best do this?
A. Yes, read my advice above. Be friendly and be eager to serve. Learn to put the needs of these women above your own needs. Go to work with the attitude that you are there to serve these superior ladies. Go out of your way to do special things for them that will bring joy into their lives. Work can be stressful and it is the little things that can make a big difference. So bring them donuts and coffee (or bagels or whatever they like) now and again. Volunteer to get them lunch if they are busy and are unable to make it out on their own. Never forget Bosses day and get them something special, both of them.
As far as your job goes, do all that they ask of you and then some. Go the extra mile for them and they will take notice. If you have a giving attitude, you will receive back. If not from them, from others. You cannot give in this world without getting back. That is a universal law. So develop a “Yes, Ma’am” attitude and look for ways to serve these women. Develop a humble attitude and treat them with the respect they deserve. Give them your all every day and you will find that this stirs your submissive nature and it will stir their dominant nature. Since they are married and this is a professional relationship, nothing will probably occur outside of your professional relationship with them but your submission to them will assist them in all areas of their lives. Likewise, your submissive energy will be noticeable to other women, both at work and outside of work.
A man who exists to serve women will develop that aura that will attract dominant women. This may not happen overnight but it will happen over time if you are steadfast and committed to the cause. Not all days will be good days and you will not always be treated fairly but if you stay focused on the big picture, you will experience submissive fulfillment and much inner satisfaction. Take care.
Q. I suppose the essence of my question/comment is that having come to terms with the fact that I have an element of the submissive man in me, my life is too enjoyable for me to relinquish control of that. I am 30 years old and happily single at this point but would dearly love to find a woman eventually who can be dominant in the bedroom without requiring the signing over of my life. Do you think there are levels of female domination or is it the complete package, as you seem to advocate? Hoping to read your reply and my thanks for your time.
A. Of course there are many levels. Did you read my first book? There are many different lifestyles within the broad umbrella of FemDom and there are different levels to those lifestyles based on the people involved. No man should sign anything away when he enters into a relationship with a woman. To do so is to be a fool.
However, FemDom is a journey and over time, you may begin to desire to surrender more and more of yourself over to a woman and where that journey may lead can be mysterious and exciting. Some men do come to the place where they surrender all they have and all they are to a woman but it is a journey and not a starting place. So don’t compare yourself with people who are deep into this lifestyle. You must crawl before you can run. First, work on finding a woman who is willing to embark on this journey with you. Find a woman whom you can open yourself up to, secrets and all. That is the starting point. Build a friendship and a relationship with a woman who is willing to explore your submissive nature while you explore her dominant nature.
People read stories of couples that are into an advanced and deep FemDom relationship and they judge that relationship based on their current knowledge. They are looking in at these couples from the outside. Rarely does a couple jump head first into advanced FemDom. It takes a relationship, intimacy and exploration. Each couple must embrace that which works for them based on their own unique natures and desires. That is why FemDom is such a broad umbrella. A FemDom relationship can be expressed and practiced in many ways. So never say never and don’t get the cart before the horse.
If your life is enjoyable, then be willing to share that enjoyment with a woman. Build a friendship and express your submissive nature initially by serving her needs. Allow the relationship to develop and open yourself up to her. Once you begin to taste the dominance of a woman and once her dominance touches your submissive nature, you will not worry so much about losing control. You will want to surrender and thus what you view today as a negative very well could turn into a positive. Take care.
Q. I have just one question after reading through a fair amount of your great web site. Do you believe that all women are dominant because (although I would love this to be the truth) history dictates that the female is indeed the 'fairer' sex, more loving, nurturing etc.. Surely most women are naturally submissive?
A. This is ground that I keep covering over and over again because of the association many have with the words “dominant”, “superiority” and “supremacy”. No, I do not think that all women are dominant in the sense of being out-going, aggressive and of a Type A personality. But I do believe that all women have the potential to be in charge of their relationships with the man in their life and to rule that relationship with Loving Female Authority. In order to understand female domination you must understand the word authority. One can be dominated by force and one can be dominated by choice. Female Domination is where a man chooses to submit to a woman, regardless of her personality or temperament.
Authority has nothing to do with personality or temperament. Authority is a societal position. A police officer has authority and it matters not if that police officer is an extrovert, an introvert, aggressive or shy. The position of police officer is a position of authority and society has bestowed that position with authority and the people of that society are required to obey that authority. The same goes with the female within a male/female relationship. If the male chooses to submit to the woman’s authority and allows her to be the primary decision maker in the relationship, she automatically becomes the dominant partner, no matter her personality or temperament.
Society is evolving and women are coming into authority positions due to their inner female power and the male desire for female rule. Societal roles are changing and men are losing authority and women are gaining authority. This is occurring because I believe it is Nature’s plan. Women have a power that has been restrained by a patriarchal system that tried to say that women are the weaker sex. Women bought into a lie and thus their power became dormant. But women have been liberated and along with female liberation came a sexual revolution and the sexual power of women has been unleashed. What men have feared (namely the sexual power of women) has come into being and this has caused the submissive nature in man to become unleashed as well.
By your own admission, you wish women were dominant and in charge but patriarchal teachings and traditions have convinced you that it is not natural for women to be in authority because they are the fairer sex. But follow your heart. Your heart, your inner nature wants to submit to women. You want women to be in charge of your life. You are aroused by that thought and you cannot deny that you want to be dominated by women. So do you follow your heart or patriarchal traditions?
Women may be the fairer sex but they are not the weaker sex. There is a big difference. So don’t confuse personality with authority. Female Domination is not about women being aggressive and forceful. Some women are aggressive and forceful but the reality of Female Domination is about Female Authority and authority is a position of headship and leadership. It is a position of being in charge and in control.
Just look at your workplace, I am sure there are women in leadership positions but they all do not have the same personalities or temperament. Women are diverse but if they hold positions of leadership and authority, you are expected to submit to the authority of their position, not their individual personalities.
The same will be true in your personal relationships with women. When you view the female as the leader of the relationship you will submit to her, regardless of her personality. Your role is to love her, to support her, to encourage her and to submit to her. Most women will gladly take the reigns of the relationship (and I might add they desire to take the reigns), especially if the man will offer the reigns. Again, female domination is not domination by force. That is fantasy. Female domination is domination by choice, where a man gladly and willingly submits to a woman because he believes she should be in charge. I do wish you all the best.
Q. Hello Elise, I have only recently begun to understand that this lifestyle suits me. I mean really recently. I think that it has always been under the surface but I did not let it out. I have looked back on my life a great deal lately and I realize from things I see that I am dominant. Although I have a very long way to go I am trying to take your advice about taking care of myself and dressing and yes, it makes a difference in how I feel. It’s incredible. I haven't read your book yet but I will.
The reason I contacted you is regarding the male that actually helped me open my eyes to what I want and to who I am. He is someone new to me so that is a risk but he is what helped open the doors to what I am feeling. He has said that he wants to serve me and to learn with me about this lifestyle. He says he has never had an experience like this before. Although he knows terms that I am only finding as I research. This is making me unsure if he is authentic. He tends to do things that I think he knows upsets me (almost rude) and I almost feel like he does it on purpose to provoke me. I can't decide if this is all a joke with him or what. I tend to have a distrusting nature so I’m wondering if that is kicking in.
We have not done The Psychoanalysis of the Submissive Male yet. There is a part of me that feels if he is sincere then this is where we need to go yet there is the traditional part of me that says wait. I feel like I am in need of reassurance that he can be trusted. Is this a "normal" sensation for someone just realizing her potential? Would a man say he wants this but then still do things that could provoke a woman to anger? In your experience, have you met many men that would open up to a woman in the way he has just as a joke?
I would appreciate your advice and your perspective.
A. I would be hesitant to dive into doing my procedures with a man you have only recently met. My procedures are designed to be shared with a committed partner and it sounds like this man must still prove himself worthy of you. So patience is a wonderful virtue at this time in your life.
You are just beginning to explore your dominant nature and you are beginning to feel good about yourself. Now is not the time to jump into a FemDom relationship with the first man who shows you interest. Make him earn the right to be with you. If he is making you upset and unhappy, than he is not proving his worth to you. He exists to make your life better and if he cannot do that in the early stages of a relationship, than he will never do that once you are in a full-blown relationship with him.
So tell him that the sexual part will come last. You want to focus on the social and the domestic sides of FemDom. He must prove himself to you by serving your needs in the social and domestic areas of life. Once he does that, than and only than will you consider taking the next step in the relationship.
In the meantime, enjoy your liberation and your newfound power. Continue to develop your dominant persona in all areas of your life and enjoy the fruits they will yield in your life. Take care and I wish you continued growth and success.
Q. Ms. Sutton, I have been following your site for sometime now. I am curious, do you believe that female domination is a major societal shift, or is this an anomaly of some sort. Are there that many couples living like this?
I agree that many men act as if they never emerged from the caves, but there are many men who have at least attempted to refine themselves. I feel that I treat my wife well, there is not one thing that I would not do for her within my means. I work in an office, in which I am the only male amongst 21 women. I hold the doors for them, I always let them walk ahead of me, leave the elevator ahead of me, they think of me as an "Old Fashioned Gentleman", which I guess I am.
Please do not get me wrong. I am not making any negative judgment. I admit that there aspects of it that are attractive, there are aspects of it that I find troubling. Specifically, the part where the women withhold sex.
A. Women in power, women in control and women in the dominant role within the female/male relationship definitely represents a societal shift, or as I like to refer to it, a societal evolutionary process toward female rule.
Yes, you may be a gentleman who treats women with respect and for that I applaud you. But whether you are an “old-fashioned” gentleman or a “modern day” gentleman depends on your motivation for holding doors open for women and treating them with respect. The old-fashioned gentleman viewed women as the “weaker-sex” and thus his actions were not so much servitude but rather chivalry. Nothing wrong with good, old chivalry as the world is in dire need of more gentlemen. But how you view women will ultimately affect how you treat women.
The societal change that we are seeing from the modern day gentleman is that he holds doors open for women and does such acts out of a desire to serve women. He is driven by a desire to submit to the female gender, as he does not view the female gender as being weaker but rather as being superior. He wants to please women and he wants to obey women.
Likewise, the female loves the gentleman but the dominant woman expects and demands to be treated with respect and heart-felt servitude. The woman of old may have been touched by a man’s gestures of kindness for compared to the macho male the gentleman stands out from the crowd. But the woman of yesterday was not as empowered as the woman of today, so a man’s kind acts were his gift to a woman and often the gentleman was trained in the ways of good manners by either his mother or his wife. Domination has always existed but what is different today is that women no longer hope that a man will treat them good. Today women expect and demand that men treat them with respect. Not all women have this new outlook but far more today than ever before, and this represents a significant societal shift.
Are there many couples living like this? Far more than you would imagine. More and more marriages are female dominated relationships. Women always did dominate the marriage relationship, even in years gone by, but what is different today is that women no longer do it in subtle and manipulative ways. Women are becoming more open about their desire to run the show and a big part of this has to do with the ever-increasing male submissive nature. Men are letting it be known that they like to be dominated, both inside and outside the bedroom. Again, this is a major societal shift.
Which brings me to your final question. You find it troubling that some women withhold sex from their male partners. I think you are confusing the word sex with the word climax. Female Domination is a very active sexual lifestyle. Usually much more so than a vanilla sexual lifestyle. Female Domination in the bedroom is all about sex. The man may or may not be allowed to climax but that does not mean he is not being stimulated or fulfilled sexually. Sexual denial is powerful and many submissive men desire to be denied because they like being controlled sexually by a woman. They may crave release and thus the process may not always be what their body wants but mentally the submissive male loves the feeling of being controlled so thoroughly by a woman. The mental, emotional and yes, sexual pleasure of being dominated far exceeds the physical pleasure of the male orgasm.
Women have always withheld sex. Ever hear of a woman getting a headache when her husband requested sex? Women have always used sex as a weapon to get what they wanted from their male partners. Nature has given women this powerful advantage. The Female Domination relationship is more open and honest about it. No need for manipulation as the FemDom relationship is about the woman openly exercising control over her male partner, both inside and outside the bedroom. Thanks for the honest question.
Q. I think the whole BDSM experience, whether it's a male or female in control, is all about love on a grander scale. Simply put, to love and to be loved.
If there were no forms of love involved of any nature (kissing, hugging, cuddling, intercourse, any kind of affection) would you or anyone else be able to dominate another?
A. Love and intimacy are not necessarily the same thing. Intimacy is an expression of love but one can love another without being intimate.
It has been said that the nature of Love can be broken into three levels: Eros, Philia, and Agape. The term Eros (Greek erasthai) is used to refer to that part of love constituting a passionate, intense desire for something, it is often referred to as a sexual desire, hence the modern notion of 'erotic'. In contrast to the desiring and passionate yearning of Eros, Philia entails a fondness and appreciation of the other. Philia is about friendship but not necessarily intimacy. Agape refers to the paternal love of God for man and for man for God but is extended to include a brotherly love for all humanity.
Romantic love is deemed to be of a higher metaphysical and ethical status than sexual or physical attractiveness alone. The action of loving encompasses a broad range of behavior including caring, listening, attending to, preferring to others, and so on.
So there are different expressions of love and different levels of love. Eros is love expressed physically. Philia is love expressed intellectually and emotionally (i.e. friendship) and Agape is love expressed spiritually. I believe we are triune beings and we can love and be loved on all three levels. Thus, I agree with your premise that D&S has the potential to provide a couple with the opportunity to bond on all three of these levels, spirit, soul and body. Romance and intimacy can exist on a higher plain for a committed couple that engages in a D&S relationship.
However, it would be wrong to assume that all D&S relationships are based in Eros (i.e. the physical). Complete strangers can be affectionate and engage in physical sex due to infatuation or physical attraction, without connecting in the Philia realm of friendship and compatibility. So it would be erroneous to confuse Eros with romance. True intimacy is about more than physical contact.
Likewise, people can be deeply in love with a limited amount of physical contact. People can connect spiritually, emotionally and intellectually and that bond can be much deeper than a purely Eros based physical relationship. This is the case both inside and outside the D&S world. There are D&S relationships where a man serves a woman sacrificially without any physical contact yet the bond between them is very strong in the mental and spiritual realms. In addition, there can be elements of Eros within the realm of the mind as the submissive man or the dominant woman experiences different sensations of mental eroticism without necessarily engaging in erotic passion with each other. For example, there are relationships where a woman has a husband and a submissive and her interactions with her submissive triggers erotic stimulation but she only engages in sexual contact with her husband.
Ideally, the best scenario is for a submissive man and a dominant woman to build a relationship where they can bond and grow on all three levels of love (i.e. a FemDom marriage). However, there are D&S relationships that are purely about Eros and there are D&S relationships that are purely about Philia. Regardless, I endorse loving female authority where a man reveres and serves a woman and the woman dominates him with love and respect.