Q&A Forum - September 2009 (The best of Elise series)
Q. I'm a 24 year old graduate student. My husband is 37 and completely submissive to me. We've been married for two years. We had a very small but beautiful wedding, during which he promised to love, honor, and obey me, and to place my desires and goals above his. At the end, we were pronounced "Woman and husband."
Shortly after we became engaged, I had him legally change his last name to mine. It was easy for him because he's long been estranged from his family, but I would have required it nonetheless. As a dominant woman, it's important to me that my husband and future children have my name. I only wish more women my age felt this way.
When a woman's husband takes her name, it not only reinforces her rightful position as head of the family, it also makes sense on biological grounds: As we all know, during heterosexual intercourse a man leaves a part of his body, i.e. his sperm, with a woman. In order to procreate, he has to entrust his DNA to her; in a sense, he must relinquish his very essence to her. All men are born of women, and no man can reproduce unless some woman, somewhere, agrees explicitly or implicitly to give birth to his child. Obviously, the reverse is not true -- sperm is cheap.
Of course a child has an equal number of chromosomes from each parent, but it is the woman's body which carries the child, feeds her, provides her with oxygen, eliminates her waste, and finally gives birth to her. The mother is then able to lactate, providing nourishment for the first months or years of the child's life. Furthermore, the identity of the mother is obvious, but it takes a medical test to establish paternity beyond all doubt. Unquestionably, then, the female is the primary parent and truly the "better half."
In addition, family unity would be enhanced when all members, including the husband, share the woman's surname. It symbolizes that this is her family, born of her body, and that her husband is her beloved helpmate. She has chosen him to share her love and happiness, but she is the creator, unifier, and leader of the family. It is only logical that her husband and children share her name.
Elise, thanks for giving me the chance to express my thoughts. It could easily be argued that I place too much importance on this issue. I just believe the time has come for the women of my generation to start demanding it. There are good submissive men out there who are willing if not eager to do it; they need only be told. To those men who might be hesitating, I would say: Make a total commitment to your wife. Acknowledge that nature has made her the superior sex and primary parent. You say you belong to her? Prove it! Prove to her that she is more important than anyone else in the world. You can do so by taking her name.
A. I whole heartily agree with you. You make a very convincing case. I didn't make my husband take on my last name out of respect to our parents and grandparents who do not practice or understand female domination. But I admire women who make this request of their grooms and I admire men who place the wants and needs of their superior bride over family and society.
In a true female-led relationship, it boils down to the wishes of the female. I wanted to keep with tradition out of respect to our elders. Had I demanded he take my last name, he would have done so. You demanded your partner take on your last name. In both of our cases, our men followed our wishes. So it boils down to each woman and what she wants.
Does the woman want to make a declaration to society about her female supremacy beliefs by having her husband take her last name? If so, she should be applauded and respected for practicing what she believes. She also must be willing to accept the negative that goes along with it. The husband will experience many uncomfortable moments from male peers and co-workers when they find out he has taken his wife's name. If the wife demands he make that sacrifice for the honor to be married to her, he can choose between marrying a female supremacist and all that goes with it or he can go in a different direction. I agree with you that more and more men, if given this choice, will choose to submit to the desires of the female regardless of any fallout caused by bucking societal traditions. I also agree that lots of men will find such a request to be exciting and it will cause them to go even deeper into submission to their bride.
As with any change there will be growing pains so all couples need to count the cost. There will be uncomfortable moments for both the woman and the man as society turns its collective nose up in the air at your unorthodox marriage. There will be paper work snafus and extra documentation required, as most institutions will assume you have taken his last name. You will be asked for your maiden name but he will never be asked. Until more couples follow your example, there will be inconveniences. But as more men take on the names of their wives, institutions will be forced to adapt. There will be growing pains with this change but I am sure you view these as minor inconveniences when compared to the societal statement you are making.
I've been married for over two decades and much has changed in our society over that time. I admire you for taking this stand and I would love to see more women do the same. No man could argue with your rational. All that men can point to for keeping the status quo is tradition. Your reasoning for the change is logical and intelligent and not based on radical feminism. I hope more women will follow your example. For if women make this request, I guarantee you lots of men will agree to it. Deep down, the submissive nature of man wants this to happen. Best wishes and I wish you continued success in life and your marriage.
Q. Dear Ms. Sutton, I want to thank you for the time and dedication you put into your insightful website. What I have learned from you has changed my life and, indirectly, it is changing my wife's too. Congratulations also on the publication of your wonderful book.
I have been following your teachings for the last year to draw out my wife's true dominant nature. She is very strong and assertive and has a dominating personality outside the bedroom, but due to her upbringing and a repressive society our sex life has always been very conventional and vanilla. Based on your guidance, I am doing my utmost to treat her like a queen at all times. This is natural to both of us and has come very easily.
Getting her to understand that sex is for her pleasure has been much more difficult. I want you to know, however, that your advice is right on target and we are making progress. For the past nine months, I have not had an orgasm while we were making love without having first expressly asked for and received her permission to do so (after she has been completely satisfied). She is getting more and more comfortable with allowing me to give her pleasure or bring her to orgasm without me necessarily getting a release. I can already see there will be a time, though, where she will start to understand the value of taking control of the rationing of my orgasms. And this brings me to my question.
This rationing of my orgasms, along with every other aspect of our new lifestyle, is based on our mutual consent, as it should be in every healthy relationship. This I understand well. My wife and I are fulfilling both of our natural desires, not just hers or mine. My uncertainty has to do with enforced chastity. If my wife and I agree that my orgasms should be rationed and we both agree that her decisions in this regard shall go unchallenged, then it seems to me that the measure of my devotion as well as of her dominance is my consistent and increasingly painful dedication to submitting myself to her control. It seems to me that the use of a chastity devise would be evidence of a lack of commitment by the sub, or a lack of trust by dominant woman. For example, I can't imagine that your husband would dare allow himself to have an orgasm without your express permission even if he were not confined in a chastity belt.
Or am I missing the point? Does the enforcement of chastity play a different role separate and apart from the mere rationing orgasms, like a fetish? Does the ability to keep her husband in chastity get the wife off even though she could have his compliance voluntarily? Do some husbands have a need to display an outward sign of their inward commitment? Or is it just that no man can be trusted to stick to his word?
I hope you will be willing to answer my questions so that when the time comes I will be able to be helpful to my wife as she makes her decision as to whether I should wear a CB or not.
A. You pretty much answered your own questions. It is basically all of the above. The use of a chastity device has different meanings to different couples. To a man who struggles with habitual masturbation a chastity device is almost a must. It isn't that he isn't dedicated to his Queen as much as he lacks self-control. Some men can be trusted to stay on their diet whereas others need accountability. Some men can be trusted with financial responsibility whereas other men need strict overseeing by their wives. Some men are weaker than others and some men need more training than others. It comes down to the man and his level of self-control.
A chastity device can also be a kind of fetish. Some men want to wear one. The feel and sight is a constant reminder that they are under the control of a woman and that brings them mental pleasure. It can also be an outward sign to both the man and the dominant woman of her ownership of his privates. The chastity device is ever before a couple and it is a constant reminder of their FemDom marriage.
There are also women who demand their husbands wear one because it brings the woman mental pleasure and extra sexual arousal due to that mental stimulation. Some women do become excited about the idea they have their hubby locked up and that he is at her mercy sexually. There is that extra assurance that she knows he is not disobeying her when she is not around. Thus she is dominating him sexually even when she is not there.
Lots of couples are like you and your lovely wife and go on the honor system. To a man who has self-control and who is dedicated to his Queen to the point that he would never yield to a moment of weakness or temptation, there is no need for the chastity device. His word is his bond and he obeys his Queen's decrees without question. That is what is expected out of him. I would venture to say that most FemDom couples go on the honor system at least some of the time. It is not always feasible for a man to wear a chastity device 24/7 due to his career, their lifestyle (i.e. kids) or even a health condition. But even these couples might incorporate the occasional use of a chastity device to add extra flavor to their FemDom. In these cases the chastity device is not a necessity but rather a D&S toy to add fun and excitement.
Then there are couples where the woman demands that her man wear it 24/7. Her reasoning can vary from dong it for her own arousal to her not trusting her husband to her utilizing it as a training device. Release from the device could be a reward only if the husband proves his devotion through excellence in domestic and personal service. So there are many causes and reasons for the use of a chastity device. Ideally, the man would never have to wear one because he is well trained and very dedicated to serving his Queen. Ideally, a chastity device would only be used as an occasional toy or an occasional training device. But we all know that men are not always the best at living a disciplined and self-controlled life. Men need a woman to train them and to guide them. The chastity device is merely one of many options for a woman who seeks to control and train her man.
Q. Dear Ms.Sutton, I am man who respects female superiority and regularly visit your site. I think that orgasm denial and strap-on sex can be very exciting activities which offers a woman a feeling of dominant power but I think that classical intercourse should not be obsolete. If we do that, do we try to change nature? Aren't the penis and the vagina made for mutual penetration? Aren't they perfectly compatible for each other? If we throw out intercourse what will become of our race?
A. That is a rather common argument that arises when discussing FemDom and especially orgasm denial and long term male chastity. The same "going against nature" argument has been used by those who are against any sort of birth control, or by those who believe oral sex is a perverted practice. Some people have argued since the beginning of human existence that the only proper form of sex is intercourse because that is the only way people can procreate.
I believe sex between human beings is so much more than just procreation. I believe God (nature) created sex to be a pleasurable and romantic experience where two people become one, not only physically but also mentally and spiritually. Procreation is the natural by-product of sex, not the purpose of sex. The purpose of sex is to form a bond of intimacy between two people. Sexuality occurs on many levels, as people are more than just physical beings. We have a mind and a spirit as well as a body. The greatest sex organ is not the genitals but the human brain. Sexuality originates in the mind and exists in the mind. The body merely responds to the signals that the mind sends based on sight, touch, sound, taste and smell.
Therefore, people can have sexual relations without engaging in intercourse. The reason D&S has become so popular is because it is a sexuality of the mind and thus produces the most intense sexual arousal and ultimately the greatest sexual fulfillment (in my opinion). A man who has his sex life under the control of a woman may experience occasional physical frustration but he will also experience a greater sexual intensity as well as mental and submissive fulfillment. One does not have to orgasm to engage in sex. In fact, most men who are denied admit to experiencing prolonged sexual foreplay and sexual arousal, which to men is more exciting than an orgasm. The male orgasm is a letdown compared to the arousal and build-up stages. The denial process prolongs these stages.
We are gaining in knowledge with each passing decade and with that increased knowledge comes a new perspective on what is natural. Nature designed the anatomy of both sexes and now that women are liberated and free to pursue sexual pleasure, they have communicated to their sexual partners that they are more likely to orgasm through oral sex by having their clitoris stimulated. When one studies the female anatomy and her sexuality, one can conclude that the design of nature is for a man to orally pleasure the woman. That is how the female is designed. Intercourse can also be pleasurable for a woman but most women enjoy what we call body worship, where the woman’s entire body is serviced which builds arousal, intimacy and sexual fulfillment. A denied man is more eager to pleasure the woman in this way as his sex drive is in a more heightened state.
The spiritual aspects of a man servicing the woman are also evident as the denied and devoted male worships the woman in an intimate and loving way. Intercourse can also be a spiritual experience as the two become one but from interviewing couples I’ve found that the vast majority admit to a special (almost spiritual) experience when a devoted and loving man perform body worship on a woman and services her with his mouth and tongue. The denial process enhances this experience.
In a patriarchal society, intercourse is the preferred way to engage in sex because the man receives the majority of the pleasure and is assured sexual release. Often the woman is denied, as many women cannot achieve orgasm through traditional intercourse. In a female dominant relationship, the man exists to pleasure the woman thus the emphasis is on the woman’s pleasure. So it really boils down to the type of a relationship a couple chooses to live. Intercourse is always an option within a female domination relationship and especially if a couple wants a child.
It can be argued that a female domination relationship (where the woman controls the man’s orgasms and where the primary sexual activity is the man orally servicing the female) is healthier because a FemDom relationship ensures all pregnancies are planned and not accidents. Accidental pregnancies may indeed be procreation but it also is the cause of many societal ills. Unwanted pregnancies are the root of such societal problems as abortions, abandoned children, poverty, hunger, and over population in economically depressed regions of the world.
A planned pregnancy is a joy as both parents are eager and ready to take on the awesome responsibility (and blessing) of bringing new life in the world, a new life that is produced by the female. In a FemDom marriage, the woman decides when and if the man is allowed to enter her and the woman decides if the man is allowed to release his semen within her. This ensures that the woman makes the final decision about pregnancy before it happens and not after the fact.
So when you look at the big picture, one can see that a man’s sexual release under the control of a woman is more natural and suitable for the marriage and society.
Q. Ms Sutton, why do straight men love lesbians? If you talk to most men they will admit that they love to think about other women pleasuring each other. They love to think about their wives and girlfriends with another woman. Is it the desire to see their wives in total ecstasy? Is it total submission to their wives' desires? Is it a form of male submission and the humiliation of the male?
A. Why is this so hard to figure out? If a man finds a woman to be sexual and attractive, then he would find two women to be sexual and attractive. When a straight man watches an Adult video and a man and a woman is having sex, guess where his eyes are focused? Chances are his eyes are focused on the woman and not on the man. He enjoys the female anatomy as he is attracted and aroused by her anatomy and her sexuality. So naturally, if you would remove the man from the scene and put another woman in his place, the straight male will be even more aroused because now there are two sexual women to view. The female anatomy is doubled, the sexual feminine way is doubled and the female sexual power is doubled.
This has little to do with submission or humiliation and is more a reflection of a straight male's sexuality. Men are visually oriented and love to watch or imagine women having sex with each other. Women are also more open to experimenting sexually with another woman as women find the female anatomy to be a masterpiece of nature. Women are more sexual beings than men and men are mystified and captivated by this dynamic. Most straight men are repulsed at the thought of touching another man, let alone at the thought of sex with another man. Women are different. Most women are not repulsed at the touch of another woman and many women have admitted to having sexual fantasies that involved having sex with another woman. Men find this fact about women to be erotic.
I think you will find this dynamic in most men and not exclusive in FemDom. It certainly exists in FemDom and the dominant wife who experiments sexually with another woman can certainly use the experience to humiliate her husband by reminding him of the sexual superiority of women. Cuckolding scenarios utilizing a female lover instead of a male lover has been known to occur within FemDom relationships. However, the desire to see two women having sex is rather common amongst most males and is not exclusive to FemDom.
I was listening to a high profile talk show host the other night and he admitted that while he is personally opposed to gay marriage, the thought of lesbians getting married excited him. And this gentleman is a self described conservative. As soon as he said this, he caught himself and admitted to his hypocrisy. I give him credit for being honest and if most men were honest, they would admit to the same thoughts. Just further proof of the sexual power of women.
Q. Hello Elise, I like the advice style of your web site. Like many, I have tried to introduce my wife to female domination. I would like to provide her with a copy of your book. The thing that concerns me is the cover of your book. I don't think she will even open it with such a graphic cover. Is there a printed version with no cover image available?
I am also concerned that she will scan the table of contents and see a chapter on cuckolding and not want to read the book. She would probably be interested in the female domination and religion chapter. Respectfully yours.
A. Chances are if you feel your wife will be offended by the picture on the cover of my book, it is doubtful she would be open minded when it comes to the topics discussed within the pages of my book. In other words, she is not ready to embrace this lifestyle. You would be far wiser to seduce her dominant nature through genuine submission and servitude. Once she begins to show signs of interest and curiosity, then you can give her my book.
Some men have purchased the download version of my book and printed out the preface, the introduction, and the first five chapters to gauge their wives reaction. That may or may not work depending on where a woman is at in her growth level. I have received some positive feedback but again, not every woman is at the same place so you need to use wisdom.
My book is a great resource to answer a woman’s many questions as she begins to explore this lifestyle, be that exploration primarily educational or be that exploration for the purpose of engaging in an actual FemDom relationship. Although my book approaches these topics in an intelligent and mainstream manner, given the nature of these topics, my book is not intended to be given to a woman who knows nothing about this lifestyle or who is sexually inhibited.
You must show a woman the benefits of this lifestyle by serving her before you try to educate her through books, websites and other resources. You would be wise to open her mind and heart first by showing her the benefits of a FemDom relationship. Otherwise she will conclude that you are only trying to get her to become the object of your fantasy.
Your question also dictates how you are trying to control the situation. You desire to pick and choose what your wife views because you want to control her reaction. This is understandable as it relates to your fear of rejection. But nonetheless this is not an acceptable attitude for a submissive male. It is understandable that you want her to see this lifestyle the same way you see it and thus you want to keep control over the situation. But never forget that I am the author of this book, not you.
I decided upon the cover for my book and I’ve explained in a previous Q&A my thought process as it relates to the book cover. I believe the cover is romantic, erotic and tastefully done. My book is not a stealth project where I plant subliminal messages into the minds of women so they become the objects of their husband’s sexual fantasies. My book is an honest and open look at the female domination lifestyle. I’ve received very positive feedback from women, both novices and experienced women. But a woman needs to be interested in this topic on some level in order for her to become educated.
My book will educate, entertain and perhaps in some cases, persuade. But no book will sell a woman on this lifestyle as convincingly as a man who seduces a woman’s dominant nature through genuine and honest submission. That must be your focus. Once her interest is peaked and once she begins to ask questions about your desires to submit to her and serve her, then and only then should you consider giving her my book. The keys are patience and wisdom. Don’t get too anxious and don’t show a woman my website or my book before she has opened her mind and her heart.
This lifestyle is a journey and we are not all at the same place in that journey. You and your wife are not at the same place at this time. It is vital that you allow her to grow at her pace. When the time is right, you can introduce her to my book. Allow her the room to grow to the place where she will be open-minded to a lifestyle that might go contrary to her upbringing and traditions. Show her the benefits. Make her curious. Seduce her dominance by serving her in ways that she will enjoy. Open the door for discussion by peaking her interest. Wait until she inquires about male submission or female dominance before you give her my book. When she is hungry for this material or at the very least, inquisitive, then the picture on the book cover will only add to her curiosity and thus further peak her interest. When that happens, you will not have to censor my book or only give her selected chapters. She may never agree to all of its content but I venture to guess that she will find the topics interesting and in some cases, exciting. I wish you the very best.
Q. I’ve noticed that two common topics discussed on your site are Male Chastity and Strap-on Play. It is true that female domination is a large umbrella with many activities and lifestyles (to paraphrase you from your excellent book), but the questions and stories submitted to your site seem to indicate that male chastity and strap-on play are perhaps the most widely practiced. The only topic discussed as often as these would be cuckolding but as you point out, that activity is not practiced by a majority of FD couples.
It would appear that male chastity and strap-on play are practiced by a majority of FD couples and it seems to me that these practices are related. This leads me to my question. Isn’t male chastity the emasculation of the male by in effect removing his penis through a chastity device and isn’t strap-on play the masculation of the female by in effect giving her the penis that was removed from the man? Obviously I am speaking metaphorically and not literally but I would think that the regular practice of male chastity combined with strap-on sex would strip a man of masculine urges whereas the female would develop more aggressive and masculine desires.
If this is true, female domination is at its center a lifestyle that transfers masculine power from the man over to the woman. It is a lifestyle where the woman removes the penis from the male and attaches it to her body so that she can now be the head of the marriage, a leader in business and politics, and she can go out and be a subjugator of what once was a man’s world. I can see how this would be an empowering experience for a woman. With strap-on sex the woman puts on the masculine and the man puts on the feminine. What do you think? Do you agree and if so, what will be the long-term implications on society?
A. I love it when I receive these deep and thought-provoking questions. You are to be commended for taking the time to ponder such deep observations. Revelation and wisdom will come as you meditate on these things. Some men read my site and my book for the arousal factor. But some men read my site and my book looking for depth, truth and meaning. To some, Female Domination is nothing more than an alternative sexual lifestyle. To others, it is a societal phenomenon that speaks of who we are and where we are headed as a society. To some, Female Domination is nothing but sexual and physical pleasure. But to others, FemDom is more than physical and sexual. It is also spiritual, intellectual and social.
Pondering the meaning of societal trends is like looking at a piece of art. To some, art is merely a pretty painting or sculpture. But to those who appreciate art and who look deeper, a painting or a sculpture can be inspiring and moving. Depth is within each person but depth only comes from taking the time to reflect, question and ponder. The same can be said of religion. Many go to church each week but most are only thinking on where they will go for lunch afterwards. But some will take the time to reflect and meditate on the songs, the sermon and the scriptures and it is these people that will have spiritual revelations.
You read the stories, letters and articles on my site and you ponder what they mean. You wonder why are so many people choosing the FemDom lifestyle? What is it that appeals to them? Why are so many men seeking, desiring and longing to be dominated by a woman to this extent? Why do men desire to be emasculated?
You want this answer because it will tell you much about yourself. You would not be reading my site and you would not have purchased my book if you did not have your own inner desire for FemDom. Your observations are the result of your own need and desires and any revelations you have will be directed specifically toward your nature. This is important to keep in mind.
I agree with some of your observations but you cannot make a blanket evaluation that covers all couples. People engage in Male Orgasm Denial, Enforced Male Chastity and Strap-on Play for a variety of reasons. Some women would agree with your observation that they love the symbolism of what the strap-on represents sexually, domestically and socially. Other women would reject your observation and claim that to them, male chastity and strap-on play represent the opposite of what you say. To them, it is not the woman putting on the masculine while the man is putting on the feminine but is in fact the feminine conquering the masculine with the masculine submitting to the feminine.
To most, Strap-on Play is a bedroom role-reversal of traditional male/female roles but the meaning of that role-reversal will vary from couple to couple. Personally, I tend to view it as the feminine dominating the masculine. I detail my opinions and observations in my book in the chapter on Strap-On Play. As a woman, I have no desire to take on the masculine. I love being feminine and I allow my feminine power to dominate the masculinity of males, which is how I believe nature intended it to be. The feminine has a power over the masculine but many women are ignorant to this fact. Once a woman has that revelation and understanding of the power of the feminine, she will utilize that power and that will propel her to the head of her marriage and empower her to achieve great feats and goals in the business and social worlds.
Where your observation falls short (as it pertains to the big picture) is when you assume that a woman must become masculine to be in charge. You are a man and thus you view things through your preconceived male spectrum. You equate power and strength with the masculine therefore, in order for a woman to obtain power and strength, she must strip the male of the masculine and take it for herself. While it is true that some women enjoy emasculating a man, it is not necessarily so the woman can now fill the masculine role. The feminine has a power over the masculine and dominating a man and emasculating a man is an exercise in the feminine having her way with the masculine.
What goes through the mind of a woman as she engages in Strap-on play will naturally vary from woman to woman. Some women may indeed view the wearing of an artificial penis as being a symbol of her taking the traditional masculine role while reducing the man to the traditional feminine role. Other women may view this as sending a societal message that women are now in control. Still other women may view strap-on play as an exercise in the feminine having her way with the masculine. Regardless, strap-on play usually is an exciting and liberating activity for a woman as it empowers her in the bedroom and in the relationship. The meaning of this activity will vary from woman to woman just as the meaning will vary from man to man, based on the desires and natures of those involved.
The important question for you is what does enforced male chastity and strap-on play mean to you and your nature? You have a unique nature that was formed based on many factors and experiences. As you ponder these questions and as you seek for meaning, these activities will take on a meaning that touches your unique nature. As the very least, these activities will further develop in you a deep respect for the female gender. Ultimately you seek loving female authority and having the symbol of your manhood controlled by a woman and submitting to a woman’s artificial phallus empowers the woman and elevates her to that authority position. You no doubt enjoy the thought of a woman stripping you of masculinity and at the same time taking on the masculine role because you equate power with masculinity. Power and masculinity are not related but in your mind they are. You want the female to have the power so you want her to strip you of masculinity and to don it for herself.
You may want to ponder the possibility that a woman has the power because she is NOT masculine. It is her femininity that gives her power and it is that female power that renders your masculinity void and in need of being trained to better serve women. Try to see things less from the male point of view and more from the female point of view and you may experience even deeper revelation and personal growth. Take care.
Q. In the preface of your book, you made the statement that you believe that people are not perverted or a mistake of nature and that all people are special. That is a nice, feel good remark but the scientific community and the psychology community would disagree with you. There are perverted and unnatural sexual acts that are classified as abnormal. A pervert is a person who engages in abnormal practices.
I believe some (not all) female domination practices could be classified as perverted. Golden showers and Brown showers would definitely fall into this classification. I realize you steered clear of these subjects in your book so you could market your book to a broader audience but your website mentions them. Maybe you should clarify your statement so people don’t get the wrong impression that all behavior is acceptable and normal.
A. The actual statement from the preface of my book is: “I start with each person that I counsel from the basis that they are special and a valuable creation made by God. I don't believe that God makes mistakes and thus I don't feel a person is perverted or a mistake of nature. With that as the foundation, I am then able to be non-judgmental.”
I stand by that statement. I never said that all behavior is acceptable but what I was addressing was the value of people. In a previous Q&A (now under The Psychology of Female Domination archive) I said: “It is important to understand why people do what they do but it is more important to care for the person who is struggling with life or with themselves. At the end of the day, there really is no such thing as a dysfunctional or perverted person. But rather a special person who is struggling with who they are and why they think and act the way they do. Most people do not need to hear that they are wrong but rather that they are special.”
I have discussed the health risks of Brown showers and I strongly urge people to never engage in risky behavior that puts their health or the health of their partners at risk. But what I do not do is call people a generalized and demeaning name like “pervert”. There are psychological reasons why people desire Golden or Brown showers and the root of these desires are not necessarily based in perversion. Yes, the act can be perverted if a person puts their life in jeopardy or even worse, puts the life of another in jeopardy, simply for a sexual thrill. When a person has a desire or a fetish that is destructive or dangerous, I am quick to point that out in no uncertain terms.
Recently I addressed a question from a man who said his wife has a fetish to dominate and even hurt animals. I did not beat around the bush and I came right out and stated that this desire must never be acted upon. Such a desire is abnormal because she has no right to harm an innocent animal. I have no trouble separating the act from the person. Certain acts are universally morally wrong and people need to know that these acts are unacceptable and even criminal.
Obviously there are dangerous, unhealthy and in some cases criminal sexual behavior that must never be sanctioned. The person with these unhealthy desires needs counseling so that they never engage in them. Nevertheless, you must be very careful not to group practices and lifestyles that you do not agree with morally in with what is known perverted behavior. When counseling with someone who has what they perceive as a problem, it is vital that the counselor view this person as the special individual that they are. People have problems and people have wrong thoughts and sometimes people do wrong things, but in order to counsel and minister to a person, you cannot judge them. Yes, you can judge their behavior when it crosses the line but you cannot judge them. Unless you have lived their life and experienced what they have experienced, you have no right to judge their heart or their motives. For there but for the grace of God, sits you.
I know all about perverted behavior and that is why I get my feathers up when someone tries to group natural desires and natural acts, like those that exist in Female Domination, with perverted acts. The majority of desires associated with FemDom are natural and common. A perversion is that which is outside the natural and outside the normal. A perversion is abnormal. The male submissive nature is natural and how that nature is expressed through different desires is also natural. The root cause is very normal.
What is important is that the expression of that nature remains rooted and grounded in reality. It is only when a person crosses that line and has a problem staying planted in reality with their fantasies that a desire can become a perversion. Fantasies are perfectly Ok as long as the person who harbors the fantasy recognizes what is practical and what is impractical. Many fantasies can become a reality as long as the people involved are educated to what is acceptable, safe and healthy and what is unacceptable, unsafe and unhealthy. A perversion is when a person crosses that line and engages in an unsafe and unhealthy activity.
Thanks for the comments and please never forget that people are special creations made in the image of God. Their lifestyles and chosen sexual practices may not sit with your morality and you have every right to reject those practices in your own life, but never forget that you are no better or no worse than anyone else. God is no respecter of people. Who are we to sit in judgment of others? We are not to judge others unless we want to be judged ourselves. Therefore, it is better to educate people about risky and harmful behavior and to encourage people to keep their heads grounded in reality.
Q. Lady Elise, I wanted to express to you how your book and your web site is transforming my life and how they've served to be the catalyst for my present catharsis. Forgive me if this is a tired old question.
I am working my way through the forum archives and they are totally illuminating. But I am
a complete novice eager to begin the journey and so this is all very new to me. I am a sexual submissive eager for proper training. I've looked at my life and now realize how it has always lacked structure and discipline.
I do not relish the idea of being hit with whips, although would gladly endure that and more for my lover, should she desire it or feel it necessary. However I see that there are many who are drawn to this lifestyle who have sadomasochistic needs. So this is a more general question I suppose, rather than a personal one.
How does one administer true discipline with such a submissive? Isn't the woman simply giving him what he wants and feeding the need via corporal punishment?
Again sincere and profound thanks for everything you have done and continue to do toward the liberation of the genders.
A. I am glad to hear my book and my site are having such a profound effect on you. I appreciate your heart-felt words and accept them on behalf of all the women who have labored for this cause. Wisdom comes through knowledge. I post these Q&A entries and stories with the hope that they will educate and even enlighten others. Knowledge is a product of being educated but Wisdom occurs when that knowledge becomes a revelation.
Corporal punishment is not sadomasochism. While a sadist could utilize corporal punishment on a masochist for mutual sexual arousal, that is not the primary purpose for corporal punishment. Since you are a novice to all of this, I would suggest that you read the D&S/B&D/S&M archive. While these terms are often intermingled and related, the reality is that these terms represent unique interests and lifestyles.
By its very name, Female Domination is more D&S than S&M. Some FemDom couples do incorporate sadomasochism into their lifestyle because the man discovers that he has masochistic desires and the woman is willing to explore this side of his nature. The fact that the woman is open to such an intense expression of FemDom reveals that she has her own sadistic desires. This makes such a couple compatible and opens the door for them to bond on a very intense and high level. The amount of trust that is required in such a relationship is enormous but it is that level of trust that opens the door for a deep, special intimacy.
Nonetheless, the majority of FemDom is not S&M. Female Domination and male submission can exist on many levels and can be expressed in a variety of ways. Masochism can be physical or mental. Lots of men call themselves masochists because their minds enjoy the fantasy but the reality is that most men would not enjoy receiving intense pain at the hands of a female sadist. Therefore, most corporal punishment sessions between a woman and a man are mild to moderate with the primarily purpose being on the psychological triggers within the submissive male’s mind.
Since you read my book, you witnessed the many forms of FemDom. Leather Sex was one of the last topics discussed. The majority of the book was about the mental, sexual, social, domestic and spiritual aspects of FemDom. Corporal Punishment was discussed way prior to Leather Sex. This is because these are separate activities. Likewise, the term Corporal Punishment can mean different things to different people. Discipline and Punishment are distinct in their purpose and even in their applications. So what some generally classify as corporal punishment may be in reality the practice of discipline. I explained the differences between discipline and punishment in my book.
In the chapters on Love and Punishment and Victorian Discipline, there were numerous examples of the different ways couples incorporate discipline and punishment into their relationships. Corporal Punishment can be erotic and romantic as was the case with Crystal and John. She read passages that he had underlined in “Venus in Furs” as she administered an intense session of corporal punishment. Discipline can be used in the correction and training of a husband as was the case with Beverly and Vincent and Trudy and Norman. None of these couples would classify themselves as being into hardcore S&M. These three couples all have strong marriages and it is the regular practice of loving female authority through the implementation of corporal punishment that strengthens their bond.
A genuine FemDom relationship is mutual. A woman may go through the motions in the beginning as she is educating herself or she may merely be role-playing to fulfill the sexual desires of her husband. But once that Tigress within is released, all forms of D&S (including discipline sessions) become powerful as the dominant energy of the female feeds off of the submissive energy of the male. That is when a true power exchange occurs and the D&S goes into a higher level. At that point, the woman may be giving the man what he wants and needs but she is also receiving from him what she wants and needs. Thus it becomes a win/win relationship and both parties are fulfilled. Thanks for the question.
Q. Dear Ms Sutton, I have a question to ask you, however prior to doing so a brief background might be in order.
A few years ago I introduced my wife to Female Domination. While at first she was reluctant, over the past few years she has become very demanding. She now expects me to cook, clean and do most chores. In the bedroom, she primarily wants oral satisfaction.
Because I have rather large breasts from weight lifting, my wife now enjoys having me wear a bra and other feminine attire in the evening. When we watch TV in the den, she enjoys feeling me up and reminds me I am her toy. I find that her actions have begun to arouse me, and she usually does this as a prelude to making me satisfy her orally. Lately, she told me she wants to condition me so my release will only occur when she feels my breasts. Is this possible? While I do get excited, I'm not sure if I can climax from her actions.
A. Yes, this is possible but she may need to provide a little stimulation to your penis. Perhaps she could have you wear a cock-ring or she could tie your penis up with her hose or a short piece of nylon rope. Then when she is stimulating you by fondling your breasts and caressing your nipples, the sensation from your nipples will stimulate your penis and the light pressure from the ring or rope might be enough to cause you to climax. This is especially doable if she denies you for long periods between your release dates.
Over time, such an intense experience might get into your psyche and you will be able to climax solely from her fondling your breasts, without any kind of stimulation to your penis. This will require intense concentration on your part and she will probably have to stimulate those psychological triggers by combining her voice with certain sexual or dominant phrases as she fondles your breasts. Training a man to climax without physical stimulation to his penis is doable but it is a training technique that requires time and patience. It is unlikely she will be successful the first time she tries this with you. She needs to view it as a process with a future goal.
Her desire to fondle your breasts is not all that unusual. It is an extension of the desire of a woman who enjoys feminizing a man. Forced feminization is a popular FemDom activity and some women are very excited by this practice. It places her in the dominant role and you in the submissive role. You are less masculine when you wear a bra and this must appeal to her on some level. Some women view forced feminization as the feminine having her way with the masculine. Some women like to strip a man of his masculinity (even if it is for a brief time) by feminizing him. Some women feminize their man by making him dress in woman’s lingerie or other feminine attire. The fact that you have breasts adds to your wife’s desire to feminize you. This way she can temporarily make you into her lesbian lover and engage in feminine on feminine sex, while still having sex with the man she loves.
So there could be numerous reasons your wife enjoys doing this to you and you would be wise to just relax and allow her to explore this form of sexuality with you. Your desire should be to please her and submitting to this will obviously be pleasing to her. As you are discovering, you might come to enjoy this activity even more than she does. You may find that you will begin to crave her touch on your breasts and that will make this experience more intense for you and thus increase the likelihood that you might be able to climax purely from her fondling your breasts and nipples. So relax and allow her to explore this area of your submissive nature. It should be very erotic for the both of you. Take care.
Q. Good day my Lady, my most absolute worship and devotion are at your feet. I am another one of those submissive males (with a tremendous obsession with feet) and I would like to ask you a fundamental question that is tormenting me.
What do you think about submissive males that can only reach climax when being completely dominated by their partner? I for one can penetrate and have an erection, but climax can only be reached when under my partner, smelling her feet. I cannot climax otherwise? Thank you for your time.
A. I would assume that this question comes more from your partner than from you. I bet your partner has asked you this many times.
The mind is the greatest sex organ and your sexuality has developed in such a way that you only become stimulated to the point of climax when you are at a woman’s feet. It is the sight, touch, smell and the representation of the act that goes into your brain and your programming within your brain reacts to the data it receives and sends the stimulation to your penis. You have a very strong foot fetish combined with a desire to be dominated by a woman. Over the course of your life, you have dwelled on and entertained these desires to the point where your sexuality has been developed to the place where this is what it takes to get you off.
This is who you are sexually. There is no need to be ashamed as the desire to be at a woman’s feet is rooted in man’s desire for female domination and man’s recognition of the supremacy of women. You like to be humbled and you enjoy being lowly in the presence of a woman. The manifestation of this male desire for female domination has taken a unique although not uncommon path within your sexuality.
Can you change? Perhaps if your partner would deny you this pleasure and embark on a training program to channel your desires into other FemDom areas where you might respond intensely enough which could cause you to climax. There might be other triggers within your psyche that your partner could uncover through exploration and experimentation.
What is doubtful is that you will ever enjoy vanilla sex to the place of climax. If that is what your partner desires, she picked the wrong man. Your sexuality is what it is and it exists within the deep regions of your mind. It is doubtful at this point in your life that you can change your sexuality by mere will power.
Therefore, I would tell your partner to use your fetish and your sexuality for her benefit and for the fulfillment of you both. She can probably get you to do whatever she desires both inside and outside the bedroom by using your fetish for her feet as both a punishment and a reward. She can channel your enthusiasm and desire to worship her feet into many other areas of life. Your desire is no stranger than a man who is attracted to the female ass, or the female legs, or the female breasts. The entire female body is a masterpiece and is worthy to be worshipped.
Just make sure that you pleasure the totality of your partner’s body and that you service those areas of her body that brings her pleasure and sexual climax. Always place her needs ahead of your desires and if you are a good boy and prove yourself worthy, she may allow you to climax at her precious feet. Best wishes.
Q. Dear Miss Sutton, I checked out your website and was very appreciative of the extensive resources it offers (not to mention some great erotic art!). Despite this praise, I wanted to include a criticism I had of your piece "How to unleash your female power". The first time I saw your article it was posted on the females-in-control website. I wrote the following to the editrix of that site some time ago:
I enjoy your site a lot and feel that in many ways it captures the essence of female superiority. That's why I was disappointed in Elise Sutton's "How to unleash your female power..." article. Not only does she reduce submission to the googley eyed puppy love of the pre-reality check honeymooning period, but she spends paragraphs and paragraphs telling dominant woman how to dress to attract a man!
Why does this offend me so? Because the most inspiring Dominant Woman is one who carries Herself like a Queen, not one who dresses to attract male attention. A Queen could be wearing overalls and hiking boots (this one is!). Why should any self-respecting Dominant Woman conform to fashion trends in order to 'attract submissive men'? Submissive men will come to me because they will be inspired by the submission they feel in my presence. Self-respect is the only way you'll get this kind of attention, and anyway the attention is marginal to the pleasure self-respect brings me as an individual.
While Sutton is certainly right about some things (You don't have to be skinny but exercise and eat right etc...), these are things that should not be discussed within the context of "ways to catch a man". Those are basic things every Woman should do for Herself. The fact that Sutton urges Women to better themselves in the hopes of attracting some googly eyed 'submissive man' had my head spinning (the ones she will be attracting will undoubtedly become gradually less submissive with time, since she seeks to only appeal to the superficial and conventional) - this article belongs in a 1952 edition of Ladies Home Journal!
And don't even get me started on using Christian mythology to justify female supremacy! What a disappointment.
A. I appreciate your candor and I understand your point of view and I respect that point of view. Nevertheless, I disagree with your assessment and I whole-heartily stand by my article and my observations on the sexual power of women.
I once considered myself a feminist and in many ways, I still do. However, I long ago rejected some of the feminist philosophy and in particular the philosophy that weakened the sexual power of women. Your criticism is based on the philosophy that men should be attracted to the internal characteristics of the female with little regard to the exterior beauty of the female. I totally agree with you that the real beauty of a woman exists in her inner nature and only the man who recognizes and appreciates the inner beauty of a woman can truly worship a woman.
Be that as it may, where this feminist viewpoint falls short is in its understanding of the male nature. A group of women can discuss what a man should be attracted to based on the female point of view but unless women seek to understand the male nature, they will not come to the understanding of the power women have over men.
The fact is Women are beautiful and the female form is a masterpiece of nature. Women have a sexual power and it is that sexual power that renders the male helpless. Sure, women are superior intellectually, socially and spiritually and I am never shy to point that out in my writings. However, women are also superior sexually and nature has packaged the internal beauty of the female inside the outer beauty of the female. The male nature will always notice the outward beauty prior to the inner beauty and it is the outer beauty and the sexual power that radiates from the female that will initially touch the male submissive nature and capture his attention. It is the beauty of the female that makes men weak and gives the male his first clue that he is beholding a superior creation.
My article covered a wide range of topics on how a woman can unleash her female power. Much of it was devoted to the internal power of the female and I discussed a number of ways a woman can improve her self-image and thus develop a confident and dominant attitude and aura. Men will respond to that dominant aura coming from a woman regardless of her appearance. In that you and I are in total agreement. But doesn’t the way we present ourselves on the outside reflect how we feel about ourselves on the inside? Psychological studies have shown that a person’s attire reflects how that person views themselves. This goes for both men and women. The person who takes pride in their outward appearance is demonstrating how they view themselves on the inside.
The feminist philosophy that tells women that they can ignore their outward appearance and tells them that they should not try to look beautiful because that panders to the patriarchy is not based on reality, in my opinion. It is the patriarchy that fears the beauty of women and that is why many male dominated religions forbids women to wear make-up or dress in sexy clothing that flatters the female form. The feminists that tell women that outward beauty is not important are unknowingly in bed with the patriarchal system that fears the sexuality of women. Why do they fear it? Because the sexuality of women renders the male gender weak and stirs the submissive nature of man. This empowers the female. The patriarchy knows this and that is why it tries to burden women with restrictive rules with the purpose of keeping female sexual power contained.
If you want to understand the sexual power of women you must view it from the male perspective in order to comprehend the power that women possess. Women can discuss what men should and shouldn’t do but unless women understand how men are wired, they will never understand the power they possess as women. The wise woman will use her beauty and sexuality to her advantage and then she can train and educate the male gender in the proper ways of submission.
The young women of today have recognized this. Today’s women are learning how to dress sexual and how to use their female sexual power but they are combining that with an understanding of the superiority of women. In 1952, women primarily dressed conservatively because their husbands demanded that. The fashion world has experienced an explosion in creativity and growth ever since the societal liberation of women. This is not a coincidence. The fashions of the past reflected the conservative and prudish mood of society. Once women were liberated, the fashion industry was unleashed because women demanded a variety of attire to go with the many moods of the female.
Today, the liberated woman is free to express the many sides of her nature so overalls and jeans have their place but so does the sexy dress, the form fitting sweater, the eloquent jacket and skirt, the powerful business suit, the sexy leather pants and those sexy pairs of shoes and boots. Wearing overalls while hiking in the woods or doing yard work is a wise choice. But if you are going out to dinner in a nice restaurant with a date, you might want to consider dressing up a little. The woman who wears unflattering clothing out in public is hardly portraying the attitude of a woman who views herself as a Queen. I am not referring to you personally but I am trying to challenge the feminist mindset when it comes to the outer beauty of women. Domination is an attitude and that aura is the combination of both the inner beauty and the outer beauty of the female. Women need not apologize for being beautiful and yes, all women are beautiful.
My article is designed to encourage women. There is a popular television program amongst young women right now called “What not to wear”. It is a show that teaches women how to dress in order to take advantage of their best features. Each woman is different so each woman should take the time to find out what kind of clothes, colors, hairstyle, make-up, etc will make her look sexy and beautiful. This show is popular because women want to look beautiful. It gives their self-esteem a boost and that dominant aura will come when a woman has that inner self-confidence combined with her female sexual power. Women want to be complimented about their appearance. It is within the human condition for acceptance. Feminist philosophy can try to deny that fact but the fact exists nonetheless.
Again, my article was written to women for the purpose of encouraging women. It was not written for men. I received a tremendous amount of feedback from women about that article and the feedback was overwhelmingly positive. A lot of women thanked me for my advice as it gave them hope. A lot of women took that advice and some have told me that they have never felt more beautiful or desirable. This has naturally opened the door for them to have a better social life but more important than that, it has helped these women to see themselves as the superior women that they truly are. It is that inner confidence and that positive expectation that has caused them to excel in their careers as well as in their social life.
That brings me to your final criticism and that was where I talked about the biblical interpretation of the origins of the sexes. Religion has held women down by telling them they are second class citizens. It is easy to tell women they must reject their religion because it is mythology but that is not an option for many women because they hold their Faith as being something they cannot compromise. No matter what the head may say, the heart and the conscience will not allow a person to walk away from that which they believe. Therefore, I wanted to encourage women to view themselves how I believe the scriptures invite. Namely, that women are God’s last and greatest creation and that a woman can have a healthy self-image because of her spirituality. I wanted to convey that women are miracles and that they possess the power to conqueror this so-called man’s world.
My article covered many different areas of the power of the female. That power is sexual, intellectual, social, and spiritual in nature. Once a woman learns to unleash her female power, nothing will be impossible for her to achieve. I am all about encouraging women and liberating women. If your lifestyle is liberating to you and you are happy with who you are, then I am happy for you. In the end, that is what is most important. Thank you for your question and even if we never agree on this subject, it is my hope that all of your dreams come true.
