Q&A Forum - September 2014 (The best of Elise)
Q. Ms Sutton, my wife and I attended our first BDSM event a few months ago with mixed results. We both were a little uneasy at first. I am not sure what I was expecting. My wife and I are kinky but you would never know it from our appearance or public demeanor. The majority of the attendees were in no way “mainstream”. I was hoping to meet other couples like us at this event but we were a definite minority.
My wife was uncomfortable the entire weekend but I decided since I was there, I should make the best of it. “When in Rome…”, right? Once I relaxed and mingled with people, I found them to be very nice and helpful. My favorite part of the weekend was the play parties at night. My wife liked some of the classes because there was a more laid back atmosphere in the classes and she did learn some important BDSM techniques and safety tips that will come in handy in our private time together. I liked the play parties best even though we didn’t participate but only observed. What I liked best was viewing the dominant women in their fetish outfits. It was a real orgy for the senses of a submissive male and I am lucky to be married to a woman who does not mind it when I look at dominant women in fetish attire. If you had a leather, latex or boot fetish, this was the place to be.
We made the best of the weekend and took back home with us a real BDSM education. I know I will never be able to get my wife to attend another such event but I think we are the better for having gone.
One observation that my wife made to me was that she noticed that most of the dominant women were attractive and healthy looking whereas most of the submissive women were overweight. I noticed the same thing but my attention was mostly on the dominant women. My wife came to the conclusion that some of these women were not really submissive by nature but this was a way they could experience some form of intimacy from a man. My wife is a loyal reader of your site and she was bothered watching dominant males whipping and inflicting consensual pain on overweight women.
I need to mention that not all male dominant/female submissive couples were like this. I did see some couples that you could tell loved each other and had a good relationship. But from my wife’s perspective, she was most uncomfortable with what she saw from the male dom/female sub couples at this event.
I reminded her that everything she saw as far as the BDSM activities (Whippings, Bondage, Humiliation, S&M) the same activities were occurring with the female dominant/male submissive couples but she didn’t seem to mind watching a dominant female whip a submissive male. My wife says that is different because a man is stronger than a woman and it seemed more acceptable when the woman was in the dominant role. What are your feelings about this?
A. To be honest, I really do not want to get into a discussion about the differences between dominant women and submissive women when it comes to weight or outward appearance. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and some men find bigger women to be attractive. Let’s skip the discussion about physical appearance and focus more on the other aspects.
Your wife is obviously an observant woman and her discernment about the social and psychological differences between Female Domination and male domination are dead on accurate, in my opinion. I probably should not go into this too deeply other than to say that to understand the differences between female domination and male domination you need to approach it from a sociological perspective. Never forget that within female domination it is the male who usually approaches the female as he is driven by his need for loving female authority. I bet it is safe to assume that it was your idea to attend this event and it is also a safe bet to assume that you were the one who initially approached your wife about the female domination lifestyle.
I know that I open myself up for criticism when I say that there is a world of difference between female domination and male domination within the D&S community. However, I must be honest about what I believe to be the truth. I have been active in the BDSM community and I know male dominant/female submissive couples who enjoy their BDSM sexuality and lifestyle. But when you approach this topic from a sociological perspective, from a factual biological certainty and from the reality that we are coming out of a patriarchal society, the contrasts between female domination and male domination couldn’t be more evident. I've written about this in detail in all of my books.
I'm all for free people living the life of their choosing and I will continue to defend the rights of the entire D&S community to pursue the lifestyles of their choosing. Yet when asked a direct question, I will not hesitate to give my honest opinion based on my personal beliefs and observations. Again, we all can learn from each other if we exchange ideas and philosophies in a respectful manner.
I am all about encouraging women to fulfill their potential, to dream big, to develop a healthy self-image and to expect to be treated like the superior gender from the men in their lives. A man can most certainly engage in D&S activities with a woman where he is the top in the bedroom "IF" the woman desires this sexually. But the male must do this out of a heart of love and respect for the woman. I advocate for a man to worship a woman for her entire nature and to get to know her intimately; body, mind and spirit.
I encourage women to develop their physical and sexual assets and to tap into their sexual power. This is always done best from the dominant position. Male domination is a further extension of the dying patriarchal system, even if it is repackaged to fit within the D&S community as an alternative lifestyle. Men dominating women is not alternative. Men have been dominating women for centuries and millenniums, but thankfully women are no longer accepting the subservient role.
Nature has given the female a sexual power over the male and to squander that advantage would be a shame. I want women to recognize their full potential and utilize all of their God-given assets; body, mind and spirit. Your wife and I are in total agreement on this so perhaps the next time you should seek out a FemDom group instead of a pansexual BDSM group. I am sure your wife would feel more comfortable at a group like ClubFEM.
The BDSM event might have been a culture shock for the two of you but you lived through it and like you said, you had an educational experience. Your wife had a revelation about her gender as well as the differences between female domination and male domination, and that revelation alone was worth the weekend. She may not realize it just yet, but she experienced growth and as uncomfortable as it was for her, it was another step in her journey as she continues to blossom into a confident, dominant woman. Take care.
Q. Dear Miss Sutton, Thank you so much for creating your wonderfully informative and provocative website. You truly are an intelligent, strong, Superior Woman.
My question to you is as follows. I am a male in my early twenties, and since the age of seventeen I was fascinated by thoughts of BDSM and the Dominant/submissive lifestyle. I was also coming to terms with myself as being homosexual. The furthest I ever went with any Female was in high school and that was just kissing.
I have been trained by a few Dominant Gay men, and those experiences have been quite enjoyable. (Bondage and Discipline, chastity training, leather, latex, etc) But, there is a growing part of me which wonders what it would be like to experience training from a Dominatrix.
I am not sexually aroused by women, but images and thoughts of strong, powerful women putting male subs in there place just STIRS something in me which I cannot quite explain. My question is, why do I feel this way towards dominant women despite my sexual preference, and should I explore the possibility of FemDom training?
A. You say that women do not arouse you, yet you have this inner stirring when you think about dominant and powerful women. Could it be that you are not aroused by the thought of a vanilla relationship with a woman but you are aroused by the thought of a FemDom relationship with a woman?
If that is the case, perhaps you have yet to come to terms with your full sexuality. You are still very young and have only just begun your sexual journey in life. You assumed that since you did not desire women in a traditional sexual way that you must be gay. But kissing a teenage girl is one thing, whereas experiencing Loving Female Authority is totally different.
It is obvious that you are still evolving in your sexuality. You recognized your submissive nature and you were drawn to the world of D&S, but you sought out D&S experiences with men because you equated your submissive nature as being a rejection of traditional male masculinity, and thus you assumed you were gay. Perhaps you are but I find it interesting that you gravitated toward gay D&S experiences. Could it be that what excited you about these encounters was not so much the gay experience but rather the D&S experience?
You enjoy being dominated, regardless who was doing the dominating, because it satisfies your submissive nature. Your submissive fulfillment from these gay D&S sessions caused you to believe that you were indeed homosexual, when in fact all they have really substantiated is the fact that you are submissive. Now you are conflicted because you find yourself experiencing these internal stirrings when you ponder the Dominatrix. There is something about the dominant female that arouses you, if not in a sexual way, than certainly in an intellectual, emotional or spiritual way.
Perhaps you are gay and your fascination with the Dominatrix is born out of your desire for loving female authority, as your inner male child cries out for the loving but strict hand of a female authority figure. Or perhaps this inner stirring is more than that. Perhaps you are still evolving in your sexuality, and while you tell yourself that your attraction to the Dominatrix is not sexual, maybe it is.
Who knows what is at the core of your desires? You will only come to terms with what you truly seek and what you truly need if you allow these stirrings to be freed through exploration and experimentation. Therefore, I would suggest that you act upon these stirrings by seeing a Professional Dominatrix (unless you know of a lifestyle Mistress who would be willing to explore your submissive nature). Such an experience may settle in your heart once and for all what you truly desire both sexually and emotionally. But don’t make any judgments from just one session.
Allow yourself to experience a number of sessions in order to allow these fires within to be fanned. A relationship with a dominant woman (be it a professional relationship or a personal relationship) will let you know if your desire for loving female authority is sexual or non-sexual. If it is non-sexual, perhaps a FemDom relationship is needed in your life to bring you emotional fulfillment that only a maternal nature can give. And if it has seeds of sexuality, they will grow and you will come to realize that you are either bisexual or simply in need of a strong woman in your life.
Some men know at a very early age that they are not attracted to the societal model of a dominant male and a submissive female relationship, and thus they experiment with homosexuality for they realize they do not fit the traditional model of masculinity. But when confronted with the alternative lifestyle of FemDom, they find that there is an attraction to the opposite gender but it was blocked by societal roles and expectations. That is hard for some to comprehend because most people know by mere sight if they are attracted to males or females or both. But there are those who are of a more complicated nature, who are conflicted and their ultimate destination takes time to unfold. Remember, our sexuality is a combination of what Nature implants within plus the sum of our life experiences, especially those in our childhood. Those experiences can sometimes bury our inner nature and it takes time and exploration for that nature to be fully realized.
I do wish you the best in your continued journey in life.
Q. Dear Elise, Thank you for allowing me to write to you and I would be humbled to receive a reply. I discovered your magnificent website about 2 months ago. I am a happily married man in my mid-fifties with a wonderful wife about the same age. We have been married 23 years. When I first met her, she was very insecure about her looks and her high school level education. She was raised to be a housewife and a mother. I, on the other hand, was a successful "man about town" both socially and in business. I had not had any serious relationships with women because I would attract them, use them, become bored with them and discard them. They fell in love too fast and were no challenge at all. My wife was the opposite.
Anyway, I fell in love with her and over the years I realized that she was indeed much smarter than I and encouraged her to complete her education and pursue a career. She is now a very successful business woman out earning me three fold and getting stronger every day. We both agreed that I should give up my career to stay at home and take care of the kids so she can realize her full potential. She has full control of our finances, takes frequent business trips and is the happiest that I have ever seen her. As for me, well, besides my outdoor chores of maintaining the property which includes the pool, I now clean house (including tubs, toilets, furniture, floors), do laundry, make the bed, shop for groceries, take her dry cleaning in and pick it up, make post office runs, deposit her checks, wash & gas her car, plan & cook meals, clear the table, do dishes, make her fresh coffee whenever she asks but especially in the morning (after I take the kids to school) and bring it to her in bed where I kneel down, kiss her feet and ass and then cheerfully tell her "good morning". She tells me all the time that I am a "good wife" and a "good homemaker". This excites me & makes me feel very happy. It is like I have found my true purpose and I am unbelievably satisfied.
I must also tell you that I am constantly thinking of new ways to please her. For instance, I now draw her bath and bathe her when she asks. I kiss her feet whenever possible. I also try to wait until she is standing there and watching me when I make the bed or empty the dishwasher. I know that she likes all of this and has told me so. As for our sex life, well, it is the best it has ever been. Most of the time, she assumes the top position. What is amazing is that all of this has evolved in our marriage without any knowledge of your website. I know this is true because, as I said, I have recently discovered your website and have dropped hints and phrases to see if she knows and I am convinced that she doesn't.
Anyway, I do have a question that I would like to ask. About a year ago, my wife casually suggested that she might want to urinate on me. It shocked & disgusted me at the time and I said so. I have since thought about it and I now find it exciting. I have asked her if she might still be interested in trying this and she refuses to even discuss it. In researching this activity I discovered your website. So, considering all that we now do, I feel that she would also find this exciting and fulfilling but am not sure how to proceed. Any suggestions you may have would be appreciated. Thank you.
A. The moment came, you did not seize it and now it has passed. That happens with this lifestyle. Your wife’s dominant nature was unleashed by her becoming the breadwinner and you being transformed into her househusband. This process no doubt excited your wife and she wanted more power and more control. Her desire to dominate you manifested itself into her urge to urinate on you. She wanted to feel the power of humiliating you in this manner.
However, when you refused her request, that was like throwing a blanket over her internal fire and it put out that flame in that area. She is still exploring her dominance but that particular desire has passed. Now that you have come to her and requested to be urinated on, she is refusing you because that desire within her is not there at this time. If she did it now, she would not be gaining any pleasure out of it. Back when she requested it, the mood was there and the desire was burning within her. Too bad you refused her because I suspect it would have been a powerful experience for the both of you, especially your wife. The urge may hit her again at a later time or it may manifest itself in another way. When it does, go with it. But for now, let it go. She is not interested so you must obey her wishes.
The best way to stir her dominant desires is by your continual obedience and servitude. The urge to dominate you in such a manner occurred because you had surrendered to her desire to transform you into a househusband. This was empowering and liberating for her. No doubt, she could sense the submissive energy coming forth from you as you surrendered to her demands and this excited her sexually and stirred her dominant nature. There will be other similar events that will transpire as she continues to explore her dominance but she needs to feed off of your submission. So don’t worry about trying to get her to perform a certain act on you but rather focus on serving her. Stir her dominance with your submission and you never know how it will manifest and when it does, be willing to follow her lead. Take care.
Q. Ms Sutton, I am very much interested in your web site. FEMALE SUPERIORITY has always been in the back of my head, even during my grade school and high school years. For some reason the only topics that really gets my heart pounding is foot related issues. I am heavily into trampling, extreme trampling, and foot worship. I wish I could, but I can’t seem to get into any of the other female domination activities like whippings, spankings, chastity devices, etc.
Does this mean that I am not submissive? I was wondering if I am still considered submissive to Women and if there is a likely chance that I would not be able to participate in other submissive acts like the ones that I mentioned. I was wondering if you had any thoughts on this.
A. The submissive nature of man can find its expression in a multitude of manifestations, some that are categorize as being FemDom activities and others that are no less FemDom but may be labeled more as a fetish. People create these labels and categories and try to slot a person’s desires into one of these categories but the truth is a person’s sexuality and psychological make-up is complex and cannot be over simplified, nor over analyzed. The bottom line is that you know what stimulates your submissive nature and you know what causes you to feel submissive. There is no right or wrong here and one man’s submissive desires are no less significant than another man’s submissive desires. For the core nature is the same. It just so happens that the manifestations of that nature will vary from person to person, based on a wide range of variables from genetics to upbringing to life experiences.
Your submissive nature has found its expression through your foot fetish and your desire to be trampled by a woman. That is who you are and that is what stimulates your submissive nature. These other activities are not as powerful with you at this time. Perhaps later some of them will be, as I believe a person’s nature will continue to evolve and there may be hidden areas within you that have yet to be realized or explored. That is why a person should never say never and that is why communication is such a vital part of any female domination relationship.
So for now, be honest with yourself and with any potential partner. Always be open-minded and if your partner wants to explore an area that does not appeal to you, don’t deny her because that activity might be what stimulates her dominant nature. Furthermore, through exploration you may come to discover other areas within yourself.
Once a woman discovers what triggers exist within you and once she has that knowledge of what will transport you to subspace, she would be foolish not to use that as a starting point. With a man such as yourself, I would advise that a D&S session begin with foot worship and/or trampling and than the dominant woman can build the session from there. Once you are in the magical state of submission, chances are you will be open to almost any other activity that the Dom wants to explore. To begin a session with you with corporal punishment would not be as powerful as moving to corporal punishment after a little foot worship and/or trampling takes place. A quality D&S session builds upon itself and it is always a good idea to get the male into a submissive frame of mind prior to exploring areas that he may not be quite as enthusiastic about.
Your desire for foot worship is the primary manifestation of your submissive nature. If the other D&S activities will build off of that, I think you would find yourself enjoying some of them. Your foot fetish could also be used as a reward/punishment scenario (permitted foot worship as a reward for obedience and denied foot worship as a punishment), which could motivate you in female domination activities outside the bedroom, such as chores and domestic servitude. Thanks for the question and best wishes.
Q. Dear Ms Sutton, My name is Robert and I live in the Detroit area. I have read your site with great interest for a number of years. I can honestly, admit that when I started reading your site I read it for fantasy fulfillment, however, the more I read, the more scared I became knowing how well you knew how my brain was wired. I knew that using your procedures, any woman so inclined could exercise control over me. I continued reading and browsing pro-domme sites, my sex life became a fantasy world, and I all but quit dating. No real woman could ever actually compete with my fantasy women. As I aged, I began to realize that fantasy women can not give comfort, share in a laugh, or help with other emotional issues.
I started dating again, and have had terrible difficulties trying to introduce vanilla woman to the idea. I started attending munches, and writing to ads from dominant women. Most of the women I meet are fully aware of the power and potential benefits. They are predators, looking to use men for whatever they can get. I read you site about loving female dominance, and I wonder where the love is? I did chat with one woman for a month. She really seemed to care about my welfare, and I wanted to train under her so badly. But she rejected me, said I behaved like a friend and not a submissive. I know I still have areas that I'm going to have difficultly letting go of, but now I feel like I'm in a catch 22. How does a submissive male find LOVE from a dominant woman?
A. You read my site but you do not fully comprehend what I advise to single, submissive men. To withdraw from the dating process because you find the FemDom fantasy to be more exciting is understandable but also foolish. How will your FemDom desires ever become a reality unless you are in an actual relationship with a woman? Where did you think you would meet the dominant woman of your dreams? Was she going to jump out of your computer and into your life?
Of course not, so you have to be active in life and you must interact with women from a practical and a reality based perspective. You first build the foundation and that foundation is the friendship and the intellectual compatibility. Loving Female Authority works best if it is within the confines of a loving relationship which is based on trust. To chat with a woman on-line is Ok as a beginning point but at some point, you must be willing to take that next step, and that next step is not getting her to fulfill your fantasies but rather you focusing on meeting her needs.
Build the relationship while you seduce her dominant nature through genuine servitude, respect and adoration. To launch right into D&S or advanced FemDom will rarely succeed unless you want to be nothing more than a slave to a woman who has no desire to build a friendship with you. Those kinds of FemDom relationships do exist and do work for people but if you want the emotional and intellectual stimulation that comes from interacting with a superior female, you must focus on building the friendship while you seduce her dominant nature through your servitude. The D&S stuff and fantasy exploration can come later but it will be she who initiates it based on her fantasies and her dominant urges.
It is not a Catch 22 unless you allow it to become a Catch 22. True FemDom is about a man who exists to serve a woman. You date to find that female who is compatible with you intellectually, socially and spiritually. Once you find a woman you feel that connection, you make her your Queen by serving her. You earn her trust and you build that trust and once you have that trust, you can open up to her about your submissive desires. If she trusts you and respects you, she will be more open to explore your sexuality. I do wish you the best and please keep the faith.
Q. Dear Ms. Sutton, something new I’ve noticed in the Femdom video world is a more intimate position for strap-on play between the submissive male and the dominant female. The male is usually on his back, his ankles bound to his wrist, his legs spread, and his ass exposed to the max. The Dominant Woman takes him with her strap-on while he is in this vulnerable position. This Face to Face strap/on play is tremendously erotic and it is touching me in the core of my existence. Femdom is definitely coming into the open. I would love to hear your comments if you see any benefits to my observation.
A. Personally, my favorite strap-on position is to have the male on his back and facing me. That way I can witness the affects my domination is having on his submissive nature by reading his facial expressions and seeing that look of submission in his eyes. Strap-on play in this position is definitely more intimate, in my opinion.
Not that there is anything wrong with taking a man from behind. That has its place and there are times I desire to take a man that way. Strap-on play as a means of discipline, humiliation and pure domination is best when it is done by taking the man from behind. That is by nature a more dominant position. But when I want a more intimate experience, the position you described is preferred.
So it all boils down to the purpose of the strap-on play and the mood of the female. The affects on the male psyche will also vary depending on his position. The male who is taken from behind will undergo a more intense FemDom experience, whereas the male who is on his back, face to face with the phallus wearing female will undergo a more intimate and bonding FemDom experience.
I am not an expert on the Adult video industry, so I will take your word for it that the more intimate strap-on position is gaining in popularity. I would surmise that viewing the more intimate position touches you because deep down, you desire Loving Female Authority and this particular position is about more than just raw domination. It is also about intimacy and that is what you truly desire. It is that combination of being vulnerable, submissive, and dominated, yet also embraced and nurtured that touches your submissive nature.
You also may enjoy viewing a man and woman in this particular position because it signifies a complete societal role reversal. When a woman takes a man from behind with her strap-on, it is more of a societal statement that she is aggressive and strong and he is at her total mercy. But the face to face position signifies that the man is now the weaker sex, now he is on the bottom and she is on top, thus the missionary position has been reversed. That may excite you for the social statement that even within loving and intimate relationships, the woman has the power and she is the initiator in the bedroom. The traditional societal roles are reversed and that imagery turns you on because you agree with this new societal model where the woman is the dominant sexual partner. Take care.
Q. Ms. Sutton, I'm a middle aged man who's been serving a young woman for over two years. She's a single mother with two small children and works as a sales clerk. I serve her by cleaning her apartment, cooking, babysitting, doing laundry, running errands, etc. She has always had an active dating life, but she made it clear from the beginning that the only way I could prove that I sincerely cared for her was to remain celibate, which I have.
The problem is that she refuses to let me serve her financially. She says that no self respecting woman will take money from a man and to do so is only a half step above prostitution. I try to assure her that there are no strings attached, just as there never has been with anything else I've done for her. She won't hear of it. She won't even let me help her in emergencies; when her car breaks down, she would rather borrow money from friends. She does allow me to buy gifts for her and her children at times.
Ms. Sutton, I've always lived a frugal life by choice. I own a plumbing contracting business, and I've saved and invested my money. I could easily give my Mistress 60% of my income without altering my lifestyle. I would love to deposit substantial weekly payments into her account if only she would let me. She's very dominant and demanding of my time and effort in other areas; she's often told me that whenever I'm not working I ought to be attending to her needs. She just won't budge when it comes to finances, and this is an area where I feel she needs help. Is there something in all of this I'm missing? Am I being arrogant and disrespectful toward her? Thank you so much.
A. All you can do is offer and then you must respect her decision. She is in charge of this relationship and she makes the decisions. Your role is to serve her and it sounds like you are doing a marvelous job in tending to her domestic needs. That is what she desires from you and as long as you are gaining submissive fulfillment from being the domestic servant of a woman, you should count your blessings and continue to strive to be the best domestic servant possible.
I can fully understand where you might become frustrated when you witness this woman struggling financially and you have the means to help. I think you did the correct thing when you offered to help her out financially. After all, your role is to meet the needs of your Mistress and she obviously has some needs in this area. So your heart is in the right place and I commend you for having such a willingness to make sacrifices for this woman. You obviously have realized that there is no greater joy in life for a man than to serve a woman sacrificially.
However, you must respect her ideals and her morals. She wants to become self-sufficient in the area of her finances and that shows wisdom on her part. For if she were to become financially dependent on you, it would alter the dynamics of your relationship. What if you chose to end the relationship? If she became dependent on you financially, you would hold the power in the relationship. If you were married and she had legal access to your finances, that would be one thing. But given the current status of your relationship, I think she is wise to refuse your most generous offer. I do think she is probably making a mistake by not accepting a financial gift from you in cases of emergencies, like when her car breaks down. Your offer is out of a servant’s heart and I see no difference in you buying her a new car battery or a gift for her children. But I think she is demonstrating her intelligence by refusing to allow you to support her financially.
She has the power in this relationship and she loves having the power. Once she would become financially dependent on you without any legal rights of her own to those finances, she would lose a good deal of her power in this relationship. And it is the fact that she holds the power that makes this arrangement fulfilling to you as a submissive male.
So continue to obey her and always be eager to serve her with a servant’s heart. But never forget that part of being a submissive is to abide by the wishes of your Mistress, even when you don’t see eye to eye on her decisions. Again, all you can do is offer but then you must abide by her decision. Take care.
Q. Elise, is the form of control through psychoanalysis that you advocate a form of brainwashing? [The basic technique - alternating love and withdrawal - is popular with religious cults]. The husband may be consenting but is it informed consent or informed choice? Does the end justify the means? Does all this square with the ethics of the Psychology profession?
A. Brainwashing? Hardly! It’s more along the lines of validating what someone already knows when they become honest with their thoughts, emotions and innermost being. “The Psychoanalysis of the submissive male” is an exercise that is designed to encourage an open and honest discussion between a man who harbors desires for female domination and a woman who cares for and loves that man but is only beginning to come into an understanding of the mutual benefits of the female domination lifestyle. It is an exercise designed to overcome barriers imposed by societal traditions and expectations.
It can be said that both men and women have been brainwashed by a patriarchal society since childhood. The values that are instilled in a child usually will remain in that person their entire lives. How many adults are members of the same religion (and even the same denomination within that religion) in which they were raised? How many people are members of the same political party as their parents? Studies have shown that a majority of people will stay with the religion and political affiliation that they were raised with. Some will stray in early adulthood only to return to the values of their upbringing once they have families of their own.
Consequently, a religious and societal mindset that constantly reinforces a societal model where men are superior and dominant, and women are the weaker gender, will have a lasting effect on the psyches of both genders. Once a society gets into a certain pattern, it is very difficult to change the status quo. In fact, rarely can people ever affect a major societal shift on their own, regardless of the best laid plans of mice and men (a most appropriate saying by the way when you think of the FemDom symbolism). It takes Nature, fate and external forces that are outside the control of man to bring about change. Society is evolving and man can slow it, hinder it and deny it, but man cannot ultimately change it. Much like how a river will slowly over time erode soil and carve canyons, the combination of time, events and societal pressures will bring about change.
What we are witnessing within our modern day society is a slow, steady but real and significant transfer of power and authority from male to female. It was destined to be this way and the seeds of change have been implanted by Nature into the very beings of both men and women. When a seed is planted, the life force begins to work but in the early stages nothing is visible to the naked eye. The seed must be cultivated, fed and in the proper time, it will spring forth and grow.
Man’s desire for female domination has been manifesting and growing long before the internet, female domination magazines, media and websites, and certainly long before my observations and commentary. Man’s desire for female domination did not come about because of the growing profession of the Dominatrix. The Dominatrix came about because of man’s growing desire to be dominated. Likewise, “The Psychoanalysis of the submissive man” did not come about because of woman’s desire to be in charge. It came about because of man’s desire to tell his wife that he wants her to be in charge. I simply designed a tool to help the process based on my own personal experience and limited knowledge. Most of the time, it is men who initially turn their wives on to my site and my procedures because they hunger to be submissive to them and they are looking for a way where they can open up to them about what they truly desire in a male/female relationship,
Society is evolving and women are coming into power but it is not the result of some devious plot designed my radical feminists in an effort to brainwash men. Society is evolving because man harbors the desire to be under the control of loving female authority. It just so happens (and not by accident) that this is occurring at the same time that women are becoming liberated and are beginning to feel comfortable in the dominant role.
Psychology is the science that deals with mental processes and the emotional and behavioral characteristics of an individual. The prevalent male desire for female domination and its societal impact are definitely important and legitimate topics that need to be examined within both Psychology and Sociology. I have talked with an increasing number of couples that have told me that their Psychologist (and/or Counselor) has encouraged them to explore the female domination lifestyle within their relationship.
One woman recently contacted me to share how she demanded they see a reputable Psychologist (a woman she had counseled with before and thus trusted her expertise) when her husband told her of his desire for female domination. To her absolute amazement, this Psychologist encouraged her to explore female domination with her husband. I like to think that perhaps I was a little ahead of my time but regardless it does appear that more and more professionals are recognizing the benefits and positive effects of a relationship that is open and honest about each other's sexuality. Honesty, communication, understanding and tolerance are good for a marriage. FemDom can bring intimacy, romance and a very deep bonding between a man and a woman and this is very healthy.
Q. Dear Ms Sutton: I love your website. What are your thoughts about a husband taking his wife's name? Here is an article that might be of interest to you. It is from the Associated Press:
Couple keeps wife's name; it takes 6 months
ELYRIA, Ohio — More than six months after their wedding, Joseph Harkless and Christina Ellison finally have the same last name — but it's not his.
Joseph Ellison, 20, told the Chronicle Telegram that he took his wife's last name because he loves her. “It's so sad to me because my dad was the last boy in his family and there are no more Ellisons. So we're like extending the name,” Ms. Ellison, 21, said.
The couple, who are formally called Ms. and Mr. Christina Ellison, married June 16, but Mr. Ellison's name change was delayed by the license and Social Security bureaus, Ms. Ellison said.
A criminal investigation was conducted to make sure Mr. Ellison was not changing his name to skirt the law.
“The Social Security bureau said they would have to do a credit investigation and a criminal investigation to see if he had killed people in other states and was trying to run away,” Ms. Ellison said.
“Finally they said they were sick of dealing with it and were finally going to do it.”
They hope to become an example to others wanting to keep the wife's name.
“Everyone keeps saying, "Man, if I had known that, I would have had my husband change his name,'” Ms. Ellison said. “My sister's going to do it next. They got married in November, and they're going to change his name soon too.”
It looks like Mr. Christina Ellison is very dedicated to his wife. What a public display of devotion! I would be interested in knowing your thoughts on this subject. Maybe it will be a new trend.
A. This topic has been discussed on my site in the past but I think it is important to re-examine it periodically. Society is evolving toward female domination and thus I believe more and more women will be requiring that their husbands take on the wife’s last name. This is a societal dynamic that is still in its infancy but it is starting to become a trend that will continue to grow with each generation. In the past few months, I have received a number of e-mails from engaged women who have expressed a desire to do this.
I was once asked why I didn’t require my husband to take my last name. I explained that we decided not to buck that societal tradition out of respect for our parents. But that was well over twenty years ago and society has changed a lot since then and I believe society has evolved to the place where it is perfectly acceptable for a woman to demand this out of her husband.
At some point, there needs to be a generation of women who pave the way for future generations of women by being willing to put up with the current hassles and possible persecution that society will throw their way. Isn’t it interesting that societal institutions are not able to cope with the fact that a man would choose to submit to his bride’s wishes by taking her last name during the marriage? They assume that the man must be a criminal or has something to hide. After all, it is incomprehensible to them that a man would want to change his name purely as a sign of love and devotion to this wife. That is the way society currently views this new societal development and it goes to show the mindset of the patriarchal system that still has a grip on all of our lives.
Society continues to evolve when it comes to the male/female relationship. It used to be that 99% of all married women took on the last name of their husbands. Then with the feminist movement came the practice of a married woman keeping her maiden name, a sign of her equality and independence. The problem with this is that a lot of couples like for the world to know that they are married and they like to show their covenant for each other by sharing the same name. So even amongst feminists, the practice of the woman keeping the last name of her parents never caught on with the frequency that some predicted. At the height of the feminist movement no more than 15 to 20% of married women chose to keep the last names of their birth.
The next step in the evolution of male/female relations is beginning to occur and that will be for the man to take on the last name of the female. This will be a slow process that will probably take generations to become commonplace but I suspect that we will be witnessing enough couples doing this in the present that it will force societal institutions to prepare for it.
For even by current law, any person can change their name. A wife does not have to take on the last name of her husband and a husband may take on the last name of his wife. I believe with the ever-increasing popularity of female domination, more women are going to make this demand on any man who desires to marry them. Female domination couples are not interested in equality and this practice offers a man the chance to prove his submission and devotion right from the outset of the marriage. For any man who is willing to do this (and is willing to put up with the societal persecution and male peer ridicule that will no doubt accompany this choice) is demonstrating that he views his wife as being the head of the marriage. A man who is willing to take on the woman’s last name is definitely putting feet to his words when he says that he wants a FemDom marriage.
The power of this has the potential to be enormous. Every time the man must verbalize or write his name, he will be reminded that he is in the submissive role. And since he will no doubt suffer some teasing from his male peers and friends, he will have to endure a degree of humiliation each time he must explain why he chose to take his wife’s last name. This has the potential to give the woman enormous power in the relationship and if it is indeed a FemDom marriage, it will provide her the opportunity to use her husband’s humiliation to build upon her dominance.
Each couple will have to decide what will be best for their marriage and family. The feelings of parents and future children should be taken into consideration but if a couple truly wants to make a major societal statement and is willing endure a little persecution from the dying patriarchal system, the practice of a man taking his wife’s name could be powerful. The fact that women are beginning to consider this option is further proof of how society is evolving toward female domination.
Q. Hello Elise. I have a question. I have over the past 10 years been very interested in female domination and everything it offers. Secretly, when I see a beautiful woman, I have a strong passion and desire to fall to my knees and serve her every need. Of course, I cannot follow through with this for obvious reasons. Even though I am drawn to the physical beauty of a woman (Goddess), I feel a stronger need, a need that is almost spiritual! Actually, from my perspective it is definitely spiritual (I just do not admit it to the mainstream).
I was raised Catholic and so with that comes all the guilt of perhaps seeking another deity. And there lies my question. Is it wrong for me to worship beautiful women? From you professional perspective is it normal for me to create an elaborate altar that idolizes beautiful women? This is what is in my heart! Let it be known that I have utmost respect for ALL women, however, I feel a very strong drive to pour my admiration upon a beautiful woman - it is more than just typical BDSM submission, it is about serving a living deity to me.
Please let me know your take, and am I the only male who feels this way?
A. I can fully understand your desire to want to worship women in a deeper and more spiritual way. We are spiritual beings, made in the image of our Creator. We are a spirit, we have a soul (mind, will, emotions) and we live in a body. I believe Women are God’s last and greatest creation (Henricus Cornelius Agrippa, “Declamation on the Nobility and Preeminence of the Female Sex”) and I believe that women are superior to men. There is a spiritual side and a power to female domination. However, it takes a reality based interaction in order to grow in a personal relationship with a woman where you can explore the spiritual aspects of female domination. The spiritual is meant to enhance the physical.
Women are worthy to be worshipped but you must be careful to worship women in a manner that will meet their practical needs. Building an altar and meditating on the beauty and majesty of women might be good for you personally, as such an exercise may transport you to subspace and thus be mentally and spiritually satisfying, but it has no practical benefit to women. The way to worship women is by serving them within this natural and reality based world. You can build an altar in your home and meditate all day long but unless you get our there and serve women in practical ways, your faith will be without works and thus be meaningless (to borrow from the Bible).
If you remove the religious overtones, the word worship simply means to love, adore, revere and respect. Meditating before an altar may allow you to show your love, devotion and respect to a deity you cannot see nor touch. But women are amongst you so in order to love, adore, respect and revere women it takes interacting with them. Women have needs that must be attended to and I believe man was put here on this Earth to meet those needs. Like I have said before, women need men and men need women. We complete each other if we accept our proper roles.
I also grew up Catholic but I never understood the Monk concept. I can appreciate wanting to dedicate your life to God but at some point, shouldn’t your spirituality force you to interact with other people so you can show forth the love of God? The same goes with this lifestyle. Do what you must for your own spiritual and mental well-being but at some point, you need to get out there and show your love and devotion to women in practicality.
One final thought. Since we are discussing spirituality here and since women are spiritual beings who have a soul and who live in a body, why would you only worship women you perceive to be outwardly beautiful? By that very statement you are demonstrating a lack of spirituality. The body is the temple that clothes the spirit. If you would choose to meditate on women and their splendor as a means to motivate yourself so you can better serve women, I would hope that you would meditate on the nature of the female, on her feminine power, and not merely on the outward appearance. While the female body is a masterpiece of Nature (and worthy to be admired) the purpose of the outward beauty of the female is to take a man captive so he can learn of the inner beauty of the female. Your spirituality will remain shallow if you never get beyond what you can see with your natural eyes. Just a little something for you to ponder during your times of meditation. Best wishes.