The Disciplined Life: Questions about Discipline, Spankings and Corporal Punishment
Q. Hi Elise, Could you give me suggestions in "disciplining" a submissive male? I know that my husband needs this and I want this relationship to work. Thank you very much.
A. When disciplining a submissive man, start out slow but also be willing to experiment. Start out with an old fashioned over the knee spanking with a hairbrush. Dress sexy, seduce him, than order him naked across your lap. Start out with soft blows, rotate between cheeks, always wait at least five seconds between blows, and than build up to harder blows. Caress his cheeks during and after the spanking.
Purchase a paddle or a whip and experiment with it. Always start out light and build up to harder and more severe. Give him a safe word that he can use if he is in too much pain. It will take time to build him up to where he can receive a real hard whipping or paddling but his endurance will increase the more you discipline him.
Q. Dear Elise, My wife wants you to know that the information she has found on your site to be most useful in our marriage. I guess you can tell, I am the sub-hubby of my wife.
Since I seem to be having a problem understanding the difference between discipline and punishment, my wife "suggested" that I write and ask you. From what takes place, it seems to me that discipline and punishment are almost one in the same. Would you please be so kind as to explain the difference to me? Possibly some examples of the two might prove useful.
A. Discipline is a lifestyle of correction toward a positive goal. Punishment is a judgment for violating rules. A lawbreaker who is sentenced to prison is being punished for his crime. The athlete who is trying to obtain a positive goal lives a disciplined life and makes sacrifices in order to be trained so he can achieve those goals.
In the FemDom lifestyle, the man is disciplined by the woman so he becomes a better man and a better servant to her. The man is disciplined in order to be corrected so that he becomes that better husband and servant. A weekly discipline session is so the Mistress or Dominant Wife can grade the man's performance in his assigned goals and tasks. He is given correction via discipline so that his performance will improve and so that he is properly trained in how to better serve his Mistress or Dominant wife.
A punishment is a judgment or a sentence for the violation of the law that the Dominant woman has laid down. The man that knowingly has violated one of his Queen's commands is punished to pay her retribution for his unlawful behavior. An example would be, say the Dominant Wife forbids her husband to masturbate. If he violates her known rules, he then should be punished to learn his lesson and to pay her retribution for his infraction.
Contrary, the submissive husband is regularly disciplined, whether he has violated any rules or not. He is discipline because he is being trained by his Dominant Wife. A D&S activity like a whipping or a spanking can be either a discipline or a punishment. But the purpose and the severity will vary depending if it is for training or for rebuke. A punishment would be more severe than a discipline.
Discipline is a good thing and the submissive man can be taken to subspace by the loving yet authoritative hand of correction from his Mistress. Discipline is necessary for the Dominant Female to properly train her husband. A man without regular discipline is usually a disobedient husband who becomes self-centered and lazy. By nature, men need to be disciplined by a woman. The more a man is disciplined, the less he will need to be punished because he will be more obedient.
Punishment is a bad thing and is not intended to be submissively fulfilling. It is intended to punish wrong doings in a manner so that the wrong doings do not happen again. A punishment is also an act of love but its purpose is to rebuke and reprimand. The terms discipline and punishment are easily intermingled and sometimes we refer to a punishment as discipline and vice versa. However, the terminology is not as important as the purpose of the correction. If it is to train, guide and alter a male's behavior and attitude, then it is Discipline. If it is to reprove, penalize and chastise a male for disobedience, then it is Punishment.
Q. Dear Ms. Sutton, I was introduced to female superiority when I met a wonderful woman two years ago. She cared for me and took on the task to make me understand the rationale of female superiority. After a year of our relationship I accepted her authority (she is older than me) and her disciplinary measures and agreed a year ago to it as a lifestyle.
I obey her rules now. I don't have to wear a chastity belt, but I'm not permitted to touch myself. She wants her word to be stronger than any restraint. Once a week she allows me relief and her feminine hands rarely need more than a minute to make me come. I'm punished only for my shortcomings and accept it since she is taking on the responsibility to make me a better man. When I'm released from the hand-cuffs (maybe one day I'll be able to welcome her administration so that they won't be necessary anymore) I'm allowed to serve her orally. I love this very much even when she looses control and I receive her golden nectar. It makes me very proud that my tongue is making her climax. I'm doing my best to please her and we will marry this fall.
Last fall she announced a different regime to reinforce my chastity and our bonds. Instead of being corrected when I fail to fulfill her expectations she now punishes me regularly. I dread the weekends because the caning is severe now. She hits me until I don't have an erection any more. This can take up to two dozen strokes because she stimulates me after some strokes before resuming the punishment. Only when she is certain that I won't stiffen anymore, I'm freed and allowed to serve her orally. Despite the pain, I'm often turned on to no end but she is usually very exhausted afterwards and sends me to bed without giving me relief.
When I asked for the reason she simply said that it is her right to correct me as she sees fit.
She suggested I ask for your advice and this is the reason why I'm writing. Ms Sutton, does she have the right to punish me as she wishes although I'm doing my best to please her?
A. You know the answer to this question and you wanted to write me just to hear another woman re-enforce it. Of course she has the right to punish you for her entertainment but she also has a method to her discipline. She is teaching you self-control. She is making your stimulation an unpleasant experience so you will be able to go longer periods of time between orgasms. I talked about self-control in the letter above and what your Domme is doing is giving you the mental programming you can use to fight back orgasms. You will be able to equate pain with stimulation and that will help you to have better self-control as you view your orgasms as a negative instead of a positive.
By my definition this is not really a punishment but rather discipline. I answered another question awhile back about the difference between a punishment and a discipline and how it is easy to intermingle these terms. By the letter of the law, I would call what she is doing to you a regular discipline session and not a punishment.
I advocate regular discipline sessions between a Dom and her sub. It will keep you in line and keep you in a submissive state of mind. Now I will say that she seems to be somewhat sadistic but that is fine as long as she keeps the discipline safe and sane. I do not advocate the brutality of any human being toward another but you are a big boy and you can take more than you think. If you ever feel she is hurting you physically, beyond what is reasonable, then you need to use your safe word and have an open discussion with her. Keep the lines of communication open, as it is your responsibility to inform your Dom if she is causing you injury. She many get carried away during a session so I would recommend the use of a safe word. It is her responsibility to ensure that you are Ok during a discipline session.
Communication is crucial during such intense play and you both have a responsibility to each other to keep it safe and sane. But as far as if she has the right to discipline you, of course she does. You know you love it and while you may not enjoy it physically while it is happening, you love it mentally and it brings you mental pleasure the rest of the week. Also this will ensure that you are more eager to obey her and easier for her to control after these discipline sessions. She sounds like she knows what she is doing and she wants you to be under her complete control before she marries you. She is a smart woman and I wish you both a long and happy marriage with lots of discipline sessions for you and lots of pleasure for her. Have fun!
Q. Hi Elise-First off, I wanted to thank you for your procedures. I have been using them, in order, on my husband and it has been WONDERFUL! I am pushing him deeper and deeper into true submission--and I have never felt so exhilarated! He is becoming my for-real slave.
As a matter of fact, I would like to try something totally different for me. I would like to use a long bullwhip on my husband! I tried handling one at a girlfriend's house last week. (She isn't into D/s. They have horses and a farm, and the whip came with some tack she bought recently.) I loved the way it felt, snapping the whip. Just the feeling of it going out, and then the SNAP! I also wrapped the end around a fence post.
Anyway, it got me thinking. I want to practice with it, on hubby! I am thinking, I will hang him by his wrists, so he is nice and stretched out---and SNAP! (LOL) I also want to see if I can wrap it around him! What do you think? Have you had experience using bullwhips on a submissive? Any ideas or suggestions you could give me? Should I just stay on his ass? Thanks!
A. I do own a bullwhip and I use it on occasion. What you did with the fence post is an excellent idea. You need lots of practice in handling a bullwhip before you use it on your husband. They are awkward to use at first. I use to accidentally hit myself with it before I learned how to control it and believe me, they do hurt.
If you have access to a fence post in an isolated area, that would be an excellent way to practice. Wear thick clothing that covers your skin when you practice. Visualize the fence post being your submissive and visualize about where his back and ass would be located. Try to hit those spots and those spots only. Don't try to hit them hard but practice being accurate. The bullwhip will hurt so you do need to worry about the force you snap it with at first. Concentrate on being accurate and work on producing a nice snapping motion and sound. The sound will have a better effect on his psyche than the actual pain.
Once you feel comfortable that you can handle the bullwhip with skill, than you can use it on your hubby. Make sure he has been trained to handle the sting of the whip. If he can take the cane, he can handle the bullwhip (in my opinion). I have had men tell me the cane hurts worse than the bullwhip if the woman knows how to properly use them both. Don't get me wrong, the bullwhip does hurt and can do some real damage if you are not skilled.
If you do not have a place to practice and still want to learn how to use a bullwhip, you could attend a BDSM event where they do demonstrations and you could learn this way if they will allow you to practice after they do a demonstration. I would advise if your first attempt will be on an actual submissive male, that you make sure the instructor is there watching you and teaching you the proper technique.
Once you get good with a bullwhip, it can be a lot of fun. Like you said, you can wrap it around the submissive's body and even wrap it around his genitals if you are really good. The sound of the bullwhip is wild and can send the submissive into subspace. The sight of a woman holding a bullwhip and taking some practice shots before she focuses on her victim, will send a submissive off the charts in his mind from the imagery combined with that cracking sound. You do not need to strike him that hard to scare him because the sound and the imagery will have him psyched. The bullwhip can leave various marks depending on the force of the snap of your wrist and as with any whip, the severity of the discipline is a combination of the implement and the force behind the implement. The bullwhip requires skill but any woman can master it with enough practice.
Q. Dear Elise, Thank you for the great web site. I look forward to the updates each month on both the Q&A and the "Real Life Experiences." Recently I have my own question. I know I have long had submissive desires, but I am not sure if I am really as submissive. I have a girlfriend who lives a long distance from me. We e-mail a lot, speak on the phone and we visit when we can. She knows of my desires, and I have shared a lot with her.
She seems to be happy to oblige me in taking the queenly role, punishing me when she sees fit. Much of this has been in cyber space. I have fantasies about her tying me up, spanking me, making me wear a chastity belt and being dominant in bed, which she knows about. She seems to have really taken to the punishment part! The last time she came in for a visit she owed me a punishment for an offence that I had done. I bought for her a variety of spanking implements to make her task easier. One of them being a leather spanker.
Well I have to tell you there was nothing erotic about the spanking I received. It really hurt, which of course I deserved. But at the same time I lost my urge to have sex after that. It just hurt to darn much. And after she left, I felt a lot less positive about the submissive role for quite a while and was really questioning it. Do you have any idea why the drop off in the libido? Can it be that I am really not submissive after all, or maybe my girlfriend didn't add enough eroticism to the event to keep me on the edge?
I think she really likes this ability to punish me when I displease her, and if we continue along this path longer, she probably won't want to give it up. I wonder if you have any insights as to why this change occurred in my mood after I apparently got what I had wanted. Thank you for your time.
A. If she was punishing you for an offense, it was not suppose to be erotic. I have written about the difference between discipline and punishment. The goal with the punishment was for it to hurt so that you would never commit that offense again. She was teaching you and training you to be more obedient to her. The problem arises because it is a long distance relationship. If she was there with you, she could add the nurturing which would make the punishment more effective and a more positive experience for you.
It is also possible that she did it too hard. Spanking and whipping a man is an art. One must start out slow and build to severe. If it was a discipline session, a woman should make it erotic and sexual as well as painful. The more aroused a man becomes, the harder a discipline session he can endure. Such skill comes with practice and again, if she lived closer, she could more easily explore your pleasure and pain levels with you and learn how to properly discipline you in order to draw out more of your submission instead of driving it deeper into you. The goal of the discipline session is to draw out your submissive nature so you will be eager to serve. The goal of the punishment session is to punish you for your offense.
You are lucky to have found a woman who enjoys disciplining you. Communicate to her your feelings and allow her to grow in her skill level. She will only learn about what motivates you and what demoralizes you by communicating with you. Your journey is only beginning. Don't stop that journey because of one bad experience.
Q. Dear Ms. Sutton, I am a mature, 56 yr. old, dominant wife. My sub hubby is 57 and we have been married for 35 yrs. I am the DISCIPLINARIAN in the family. We practice Female Domination on a 24/7 basis. He is kept in a chastity device, a CB2000 for the past 3 years.
Although I am 56, I still enjoy oral sex about 3-5 days per week. My question to you is what are your thoughts on CORNER TIME as punishment for disobedience? I have read most of your letters and there is not much on this subject. Any advice would be appreciated.
A. In my book, I devote an entire chapter on Victorian Discipline and Domination. In that chapter I describe certain practices that were utilized to discipline children during the Victorian era. Corner Time, Dunce caps, repetitious writing, the dreaded hair peg, making boys wear girl's attire, and other humiliating acts were common forms of discipline utilized by the School Mistress and Governess.
Organizations such as the Alice Kerr Sutherland Society have incorporated the clothing and the methods of discipline of the Victorian era into today's modern FemDom relationships, as the dominant female disciplines her submissive husband. While the cane is the preferred instrument of correction for the AKS, many of the non-physical disciplinarian methods used to discipline children during the Victorian era are currently used by dominant wives to discipline their husbands. Corner time, a spoon full of castor oil, punitive enemas, being sent to bed without dinner and losing television or computer privileges can be used to punish a disobedient husband.
These types of discipline work best if a FemDom marriage is of a more maternal relationship. Some dominant women treat their husbands almost as children and enjoy age play. Corner time can be effective in such a FemDom relationship. The husband must stand with his nose to the wall or perhaps be permitted to be seated with his face toward the wall for prolonged periods of time as he contemplates his disobedient behavior. This would be a particularly cruel punishment to a man who likes to be active.
Corner time is a display of a wife's authority as she orders her husband to the corner and he meekly obeys, staying put and remaining silent until he is permitted by her to be free. Corner time is a kind of bondage without the restraints. It is a bondage of the human will and an exercise in mental obedience. The man knows he can move and can move about freely as he is not restrained by rope or straps or cuffs but he chooses to obey his Mistress and is restrained by her word of law, thus he submits in his mind and obeys her by staying bound to the corner of his own free will. Such an exercise could transport a male who enjoys bondage to subspace. But most likely, an adult male living in such an active and fast paced world, would view corner time as drudgery and thus corner time could be used to punish him. If he hates it, he will try harder to be obedient less he be sentenced to prolonged corner time by his ultimate female authority figure, his wife.