Real Life Stories - Entries for April 2009
From Jay B:
Dear Ms. Sutton, My Wife and I have been experimenting with a female-led marriage for about one year. At first my Wife tried having complete control of the household, but neither of us were comfortable with that, preferring joint decision making about some things such as finances, and how we raise our children. We even abandoned the whole idea for several months, but we found we were both unhappy with our relationship - we had lost the increased emotional and sexual intimacy that the female-led marriage gave us.
So three months ago we moved back to the female-led lifestyle, but modified it so that it mainly pertains to particular household matters such as cleaning and cooking (I now do the bulk of the cleaning, laundry, and cooking and am being trained to do these things in accordance to my Wife's desires) and socializing (my Wife now informs me of Her social schedule instead of asking and I am expected to take care of the kids for extended periods so She can ski, hike, and spend time with close female friends).
The other place where we practice a Wife-led marriage is in the bedroom where I am increasingly the "Queen Bee's drone." I am expected to prepare the Queen's bedroom for Her at bedtime, lighting candles, warming Her pajamas for Her, and choosing music to fit Her mood. I must request entry into Her bed, which generally leads to a discussion of my behavior and sometimes to further household assignments before I am allowed into Her bed. In bed, I often receive a spanking for the "demerits" I accumulate during the day. I perform nightly massage and can be awakened at any time when She needs attention. She has some insomnia issues, which have been largely been resolved by waking me for middle of the night massage. I am not allowed to make any sexual advances, and am expected to play a submissive role when She initiates sexual play.
Perhaps the most exciting part of our reconfigured relationship is that we both have become increasingly comfortable practicing orgasm denial. At first, my Queen was very uncomfortable with the idea, as She considered it unfair and unkind to me. But over time She has seen the benefits of it, and in the last month She has told me repeatedly that She clearly sees how my behavior improves after three or more days without orgasm. As She has become more comfortable denying me, and I have become more comfortable with the feeling of being denied, we have stretched our denial periods to 7 to 10 days.
This last week, for the first time, She ordered me to make love to Her and told me that She would not permit me to orgasm even during intercourse. It was probably the most exciting lovemaking of our 15 year marriage - I couldn't believe the freedom I felt in being told to abandon my usual mindset - the selfish drive to orgasm - and replace solely with consideration of how to best bring Her pleasure. And of course, my Queen was able to focus solely on Her pleasure, which enhanced Her experience greatly. Many times during intercourse I had to visualize mundane things to avoid having an orgasm! And, as you have written, when She told me She had had enough of intercourse and ordered me to withdraw, my mind went into a deep, warm, and loving sub-space that I had never been in before, which resulted in a truly beautiful post-intercourse conversation and cuddling. It was a truly remarkable experience, and as a professor who teaches in the field of evolutionary psychology, fascinating and perplexing (more on that another time).
I have many questions about this lifestyle, but the most pressing on is this: Can you recommend techniques for improving my service to my Queen during the day or two after orgasm?
Immediately following orgasm, I find myself feeling embarrassed and often with thoughts of humiliation (not the exciting sexual kind) and resentment. During the day after orgasm, my behavior is noticeably less submissive and loving than it is in later days of the cycle. I would very much appreciate any tips on how to improve this, both because I think my Queen deserves better treatment (after all, I should be feeling thankful that She allows me to have an orgasm) and (selfishly) because I am worried that if I can not improve my post-orgasm behavior She will continue to lengthen the period of time before I am allowed to orgasm. Sincere thanks!
Elise’s response:
Jay, I love how you and your wife have grown together in this lifestyle. You gave this lifestyle a try, ran into some obstacles, decided to put the lifestyle on hold, only to discover how much you both missed the intimacy of a FemDom relationship. Now you two are having some powerful breakthroughs as a FemDom couple. That is called growth and I think it is absolutely wonderful.
This lifestyle is not perfect and there will be ups and downs and some challenges. You two explored certain aspects of the FemDom lifestyle that did not fit within the framework of your marriage, for whatever reasons. However, there were aspects of this lifestyle that did fit and you and your wife have incorporated those successfully.
Not every FemDom activity will be compatible with every FemDom relationship. A couple must experiment to find that which works for them, and they need to be open to try new things as they grow together in this lifestyle.
Jay, the emotional and physical letdown you feel after receiving an orgasm is natural and common. Some of what you are experiencing is biological and some of it is mental. Whenever a woman controls a man’s sexual release, it does initiate a kind of prolonged foreplay within the male psyche. Males come to love being denied while being required to sexually service the female as it keeps you in an aroused state of being, and not only are you more obedient in this state, but you are in sexually heightened condition that makes submitting both easy and enjoyable.
Why do you think so many men have the teasing and denial fantasy? It is because the male nature enjoys it when the female takes control of his sex drive. It pleases him and fulfills him on an emotional level. Subspace is also easier to obtain when in an aroused but denied state.
So you love being denied (at least mentally and emotionally) but once that is gone when you climax, you experience a letdown from the ‘submissive high’ you were on. The only way to combat this is by being aware of it. You know its going to happen so expect it and adjust your attitude accordingly. When you have this letdown, try your best to channel what you are feeling away from your wife and away from yourself and adjust your attitude. Perhaps physical exercise will help, perhaps your wife needs to give you a day of privacy after you have your orgasm.
Just like the two of you were able to experiment with this lifestyle until you found that which works best, you need to do the same with your after-orgasm state of being. Experiment with different things until you find that which works best for you. It may be you need to exercise on that day or do some kind of physical activity which will help to clear your mind or maybe you need a day all to yourself.
Regardless, it comes back to your attitude and your wife must make sure that you don’t use this as an excuse to top her from below. The letdown is a very real occurrence but it only lasts a day or two and then you should be right back at her beckon call. And I also suggest that she keep expanding your denial period. The letdown will be the same, whether is it once a week or once a month. So don’t use the letdown as an excuse for more frequent orgasms. I do wish you all the best.
From Michael N:
Dear Ms. Sutton, I have been a long time reader of your site and a presently live a domestic femdom lifestyle. I'm 38 and married for 12 years, 10 under female authority. Although the internet has enhanced our lifestyle, we do not practice the "extreme" femdom approaches that some use.
Two years into my marriage, I had a long discussion with my wife regarding my submissive feelings towards her. I confessed my feelings of extreme submissiveness and fetish for watching her dress for work every morning in silks blouses, skirts, pantyhose and boots, as I am sure many of your readers understand these feelings. Within 6 months, and many nights of discussions and research, she gradually but firmly took the reins and thoroughly enjoys her present status.
The changes in our life are incredible:
Her grasp of family routines and finances have changed our financial situation immensely.
Educational concerns regarding the kids are dealt with much more aggressively.
Our lifestyle is discreet as our family does not know or probably never heard of femdom lifestyles, although at times my wife has some difficulty concealing her words.
The relationship around the kids is neutral, however they are aware of the "last word" philosophy.
Intimacy in our relationship has more substance, and sex is far more enjoyable. My respect for the "superwoman" of today has changed along with the intelligence level I underestimated because of my traditional upbringing. Our evenings (late) are very emotional and educational.
I look forward to each day as her authority is very desirable. Being dominated daily discreetly, yet having to look at her daily work attire for most of the evening is unexplainable but intense. Thank You Kindly!
Elise’s Response:
Michael, you are such a blessed man. I can sense in your words the genuine love and adoration you have for your wife. She is a Goddess and you treat her accordingly.
You may consider it a fetish to watch your wife dress in the morning but it is also quite the compliment to a woman to know that she can instill such passion and adoration in her man. I am sure she can feel your love and worshipful spirit as you watch her with awe as she dresses each morning.
A FemDom relationship happens in small steps. It’s been only six months but she has already grown comfortable in the dominant role. Keep serving her with such love and devotion and I am sure she will continue to grow in her dominance. Take care!
From Dieter B:
Dear Ms. Sutton, thank you for your wonderful site and the way you lead it.
I would like to tell you about my upbringing to show that there is a child-oriented way to make a boy understand the gift of female authority. Later in my life it was quite natural for me that my wife came on top and was the head of our family. Now I live in a wonderful femdom marriage for more than 30 years. We built it up on our own, not having any other information about this lifestyle. The result is pretty much the same even though we never used the terms Domination/submission but Leader, Head, Queen …. and devotion or dedication – we just didn’t know these words.
I am a man from Germany, so please forgive me that I treat your mother tongue that bad.
I was born in Germany in 1949. My mother was 40 then and my father 42. I got reared together with my 2 year older sister. I have 3 sisters more but they were born long before WWII so they are much older and I have no remembrance living together with them. Germany was a poor and damaged country and my parents had lost everything during war but fortunately not their life nor their children.
Are there any doubts, that Odysseus treated the Goddess Athena as superior to him? No, I don’t think so. But there are also no doubts that Odysseus was a strong man, yet a hero.
For me, the supremacy of women was established as a matter of fact in my early childhood, long before I only had a clue what a sexual desire might be. I grew up with the daily experience how my dad worshiped my mom not only with words but also helped and pampered her as good he only could. I loved to see my mother blossom under his courtesy and I loved and admired my dad for the wonderful rose he made out of my mother. My mother – even you could see her beaming – sweetly joked about my dad’s attitude. Today I would say she was teasing him. But also my mom found anytime a reason to treat my dad like her knight. I loved her, when she praised my dad for being her hero and I loved to see my dad growing under her praise. Then he was the luckiest man on earth. Even a toddler boy can feel and understand this and keep this in his heart and mind.
What has this with female supremacy to do? Isn’t this just a romantic love story? I think it is both. What I described was the atmosphere I grew up in. But my dad also taught me with impressing persuasiveness that men only under the leadership of women can become lucky and successful to the same time. He told me that women led us away from the apes into civilisation and that the humankind could be much better if there were less male who repress anyone who has a smaller body than they have. He taught me that real men have to fight by all means for the freedom and liberty of their wives but submit under the natural given authority of their wives. I eagerly believed my dad, he was my male role model and our family life showed me how right he was. So, even I was a boy as wild as a boy can be, toward females I tried to copy my dad like little boys do and got rewarded beyond all measure. I was the darling boy of all women around and trusted friend of the girls.
There was of course no sexual note in my upbringing. My mother led our family with praise. I think it is understandable that a boy get formed for his life when a beloved mother hugs and kisses him with great joy, calling him her “little hero”. My mother never directly asked submission under her will and there was no need to. For us children (my sister was 2 years older than I was) it was the most natural thing to ask mother for decisions. We learned that mother could remove dad’s decisions but dad never removed or changed mom’s decisions. And there were many serious decisions to do. The WWII was not so far away and Germany was damaged and poor. My parents had to think about many things and they often talked in our presence about their problems. That didn’t any harm to us children because they didn’t lament but talked seriously and positively. What we learned was: Where a solution is, there is no problem. My mother made the final decision but it sounded more like a suggestion and dad agreed. Often he said: “Right or wrong, you are right anyway.
My sister was of course the princess of my father. But I was the little hero of my mother, so the world was a wonderful place for me. Sure, for a boy it is not always fun to have a 2 years older sister. If someone in our family gave me the feeling of dominating me, then it was my sister. But that was a fate that was well known to many of my friends so it wasn’t really hard to deal with that. To beat each other wasn’t allowed to both of us, so our catfights were childish word battles – just as usual. Catfights were not allowed in presence of my parents but happened nevertheless. Was my mother present, she only said in her composed manner: “I expect you to stop this” and mostly it needed not more to calm us down. When we were alone with dad it was sometimes harder for me because he used to say to me: “Please stop fighting against your sister, a man gives in.”
One day I found that so very injustice that I yelled out: “Nooooo, she is soooooo mean.” And then I left the room, slamming the door shut. Dad followed me. He was not angry with me but said in soft voice: “Everything you ever will do has two effects; an outside effect and an inside effect. So when you losing control the world will see that and you will feel that. The world will not respect you for that and you will lose self-respect. So where is the benefit of your action?
I remained stubborn even though only half-hearted now: “But it feels so injustice for me when Rosi is teasing me and you say I have to give in.” Dad stroked my head: “Who told you that justice means paying back in the same amount you got? No, my boy that would be the wrong way. I am going to tell you a secret: When your mom is teasing me I do love her even more because everything that comes from her is a gift for me. I think you can understand that, can’t you?” I nodded, because when mom teased me I really never felt any harm in that but fun. “You see”, dad continued, “Rosi don’t really want to hurt you she just follows her mother as her mother is her rule model. If you were a girl, wouldn’t you want to follow your mother?” That sounded understanding for me but I still was not satisfied: “But when mom is there, she never allows Rosi to tease me”, I said. “Sure, she won’t”, dad replied, “because she loves you so much that she can’t bear to see you suffer. Don’t forget you are her sunshine. But wouldn’t it be nice if you could surprise her? Showing her that you can control yourself more and more – like a real man does?”
WOW! That was a wonderful task! To surprise my mom! And in this moment it felt so very easy for me to perform like a real man. But of course, a sister is a terrible thing for the boyish nerves and it needed many years and many supportive talks from dad until she couldn’t make losing my control so easily.
To that time it was usual for workers to get paid weekly and in cash. Every Friday Dad handed the money over to mom and got from her some coins for his private use as we got from her our pocket money. Could there be something wrong with that? Of course not, it was only natural that the heart and the head of the family control the money.
Since my mother was also the heart of the family I understood easily what real beauty is. Once, Dad heaved me on his lab, my back to him, and whispered in my ear: “See how beautiful your mother looks – she is thinking with her heart. She is knitting a pullover for you and thinking to you is joy for her heart.” God, yes she looked so beautiful and I looked at her in awe. Mom raised her eyes as she felt our views. She saw how we looked at her and blushed. And I had learned what beauty means.
I had a wonderful childhood and I think sweeter and more positively a boy hardly could get into a world of female superiority. I got books to read, sagas from the old Greek, about knights etc. and there again I found: Strong men under the guidance of Goddesses and Queens. Strong men who went down on their knees and bowed their heads in front of Goddesses and Queens, dedicating their love and their life to them. What was easier to understand than this?
Dad gave me many examples to make me understand the role of life for men. He also taught me, that once I get married, my wife and not my mother has to be on top for me. Ironically life showed us, that also this was true: About one year after I got married we visited my parents for a few days. My mother and my wife were planning the next day and couldn’t get an agreement. My mother finally hissed: “You may go wherever you want, my son will stay with me anyway.” My wife got tears in her eyes. That was the first time in my life I got very angry about my mother – and thus my dad about me. Both of the “heroes” lost control and I broke with my parents for about one year until my wife made me conciliate with them. All was wonderful again but I think the break was needed to make my mother understand that there was another Queen now above me. That must have been very hard for her to accept even though she was a most understanding person.
I still think that my parents were special in many aspects but in one aspect they were like the most in their generation: No sexual initiation at all. The environment to that time was asexual as well and the “initiation” from street passed me because the boyish talks and gestures were ugly for me. I never have seen my parents or somebody else adult naked and the last time I had seen my sister naked was before I attended school. So I was pretty innocence when I went into puberty. I had felt arousals all through my childhood but now they got stronger but I couldn’t help it and so they faded away to nowhere.
During puberty, I realised something else, something mystic with the girls. Something that I couldn’t grasp but made me yearning with hurt. I wanted to be a part of this womanly Beauty. I knew (and know) this feeling from other experiences. When I fall in awe with a lovely view out in the nature I may feel envy to an old tree because it is allowed to be a part of this place. But this feeling toward the girls was much stronger. I didn’t want to be a girl, I wanted to be a part of the girl that made me falling into awe. Girls in general made me feel that way. Everything of them were a mystic beauty – their face, their body, how they moved, talked, laughed, how they looked at me - overwhelmed my sense of Beauty. Yearning is a strong but asexual feeling and I think it balanced out my upcoming sexual urge. Being together with the girls was a privilege for me but still I spend most of my time with the boys – playing soccer, practicing Judo etc. But their “sex-life”, jerking off in toilet stalls and behind bushes to photos from lingerie-catalogues, felt ugly and primitive to me. Finally I masturbated too, but I had no fantasy but did it for the tickling. When I was 14 I sniffed for the first time on a soiled panty of my sister. The pungent odour made my cock hard and I masturbated for the first time to something.
The older we young men grow the less I liked how my friends talked about girls. But I liked to dance and they not. So I was surrounded by girls on the dancing floor and felt no need to join my male friends standing at the bar. This was the time of the Beatles, Discos came up, and female liberty was a big topic. So not long and in the age of 17 I lost my virginity to a 22 year old girl. She was very understanding and helped me over my embarrassment and showed me the way she liked it. She made the guidance and I was in heaven. Making love to her gave me for moments the illusion I had achieved what I longed for, being a part of her, being a part of the endless Beauty of womanhood she represented for me. But I couldn’t keep that feeling. It only touched me from far and faded away.
Then I met my wife and soon we knew that we belong together. I was by now a student, a strong young man, self-confident, assertive etc. one who was faithful to his talents. It lasted a while till my girlfriend (my later wife) realised that worshiping her wasn’t just an attitude to lure her in bed but that she really was my Goddess. It needed quite a while till she got over her impression that her female duty is to make me cum. I told her again and again, that nothing excites me more than seeing her aroused. So pleasing her arousal gives me the biggest excitement. Finally she got it and became more active and demanding (I wonder why women become sexual demanding once they realise that they on top) Having me to please her first and see then what happened with my bodily needs became normality in our sex-life – and it was fine for me. Sure, I liked to have my orgasm but I was/am not a rapist. In general, if the women is not aroused, I do not want to use her for my relief. Only the thought embarrasses me. To think that I work hard on my wife while she hopes that I get ready would be the death for all my desires.
And then happened the most wonderful thing in my sex-life: She was on the couch, masturbating, while I held her raised thighs, licked her anus, vagina and her dancing finger. The more she fell into her lust the more eagerly I served her with my tongue. As she started to moan and moving her body my whole being was concentrated to her lust. I didn’t feel my body at all, I had none. Not a single thought was in my head – I had no head. I felt nothing but somehow the importance of her approaching orgasm. I was a licking device like her hand was a masturbating device. I BECAME A PART OF HER!!!!!! As she was lost in her lust, so was I. Lost in HER lust not in mine. I wasn’t there. I didn’t exist as a person. I was a part of her. So much complete, that I realised what had happened with me only after her orgasm finally subsided and my mind slowly slipped back in my body. But I was unable to speak for a long time.
Oh GOD, I was a part of her, I had experienced the Beauty of womanhood – that is like KNOWING what the word paradise really means. For more than 30 years now THIS is the highest level I try to get in sex life. Compared with this, ejaculation means nothing for me. I need my “Thing” to pee with otherwise it belongs to my wife. It becomes importance when my wife wants to play with it, wants it inside. If she wants me to please her otherwise it is not only fine with me but give me a better chance to become again a part of her. It is good too to have an intercourse but I never have experienced what one can read here and there, that a couple is melting together when the man ejaculates. It rather kind of separates me from my wife because the strong body tensions are nothing you can easily ignore.
My wife’s fetish is biting my body. From my shoulder muscles downward all is for her to feed the Tigress. Lasciviously she covers my body, dabs kisses, gives me slow bites and suddenly she bites seriously. Long lasting and real hard. I am not allowed to move in protection (sometimes I am tied up) and make more noise than low moans. A variation is that she looks in my eyes while she pinches the inner surface of my thigh also very hard. (My dentist is surprised how much pain I can stand. But I tell him that I do like women under birth pain – I breath it away). She of course likes face sitting. It is a dream come true for me to wake up and find my face so close to heaven and the aroma drives me back into the dreamland.
Through the years I have founded and run 4 companies. My wife has no office as she has no regular job there but she owns them by 100%. I like to see her how she is walking through the companies, knowing that she is the owner. And I like to watch how she treats kind and friendly the employee and enjoys the powerful feeling that everybody knows and respect the fact that she is the highest instance. There is no door close to her and there is never a conference so important that there is no time to welcome her with respect when she steps in.
I love my wife badly and I feel the love of my wife. I appreciate her natural talent to make me and others understand who is on top without stepping in disrespecting me. So it is easy for me – not only in bed – to let me fall under her guidance and enjoy her beauty. Every women who is aware of her supremacy looks beautiful and my wife is most beautiful for me. Maybe our femdom lifestyle is a bit old fashioned. On the other hand there is hardly another man who lives for more than my 57 years under female authority. So I think I am blessed – blessed by Goddesses.
Elise’s Response:
Dieter, I love your life story. It is beautiful, it is romantic and it captures the true essence of the female domination lifestyle. It is not old-fashioned. It demonstrates how men should view and treat women. Your father instilled some wonderful values into you and you carried those into your marriage.
You are indeed a blessed man. You had a wonderful mother and a wonderful father and now you have a wonderful wife. I hope your story will encourage other fathers to raise their sons with the kind of reverence for their wives that your father had for your mother.
You and your wife have a genuine FemDom marriage. It does not matter what D&S activities you include in your sex life. What matters is the attitude. You view her as superior and a Goddess and you treat her accordingly. And she has been able to embrace her dominant role while also treating you with the love and respect you deserve.
Thank you for sharing that with us and I do wish you and your beautiful wife many more years of happiness. God Bless!
***Note - More Real Life Experiences in the March/April edition of "Predominant".
