Female Supremacy Articles
The Cuckold Husband / Hotwife Phenomena
Dr. Cherry Lee, Ph. D.
(Dr. Lee has lectured and published in the area of analytical psychology, and she developed one of the first electronic systems for the quantitative analysis human behavior.
She started her counseling work by leading gestalt therapy groups. Apart from this, her several decades of professional experience has been largely limited to urban, affluent, female subjects.)
What Has Spurred the Cuckold Husband/Hotwife Phenomena?
Although motivations for the cuckold husband/hotwife phenomena actually cover a wide spectrum, here we'll cover a few of the most common.
First, the husband may suspect that his wife is becoming interested in experiencing sex with someone else. He may value the relationship and not want her to jeopardize things because of the deceit and secrecy that normally accompany affairs. In short, he wants to know about and approve any extramarital sex, and even have some control over it. The cuckold husband wants his wife's sexual encounters with men to be for sex only, with no marriage-threatening emotional entanglements. In this respect it is similar to attitudes about extramarital sex now held by many of the younger people in Japan.
The mass media often cast beautiful and desirable women as both sexy and prone to sexual liaisons. Whereas this type of woman used to be considered a "fallen woman" or even a "whore," in some minds she now seems to represent an enticing new standard.
Some women used to brag about how they could avoid marital sex, and despite the views of some radical feminists, such women are now suspected as being man-haters, latent lesbians, or simply having personal problems. Now, many women find a certain excitement in being viewed as sexually liberated. For some, especially some older women, there may be a certain ego gratification in still being viewed as being sexually desirable — even discretely promiscuous. While holding to the security of her primary relationship, she may revel in experiencing sexual freedom.
At the same time, most cuckold husbands want their wives to appear ladylike on the surface (in public.). But, among select men, they want they wives to be known as and "not hung up about sex," or even "great lays." Although this type of wife was once considered a threat to husbands — and it still is to most — the more psychologically secure males believe that a healthy and well-adjusted (and desirable) woman enjoys sex, and has the right to be just as open about it as men.
Plus, the husbands involved may pride themselves in being secure enough to handle a hotwife. He may even brag to another man about how his wife loves sex and can't get enough (which, not coincidentally, may be very much in contrast to the attitude of that man's wife). Implicit in the comment is that the husband has no problem with this, and that, in fact, he thinks his wife is pretty "hot." In many cases sex within the marriage has waned or grown dull and routine and the husband may get vicarious excitement in seeing (sometimes literally) his wife remain sexually active.
Many women realize that other women regularly enjoy "good sex," and although many wives have grown ambivalent about sex within their marriages and are reluctant to try new things, these barriers frequently fall with the expectations of new sexual partners. With new men there appears to be unspoken desire to "not disappoint" and "to be good in bed."
Even though she may have started to have doubts about her sexual desirability, as a hotwife she will probably find that men are again interested in her. For some women this can constitute a kind of new "sexual awakening."
This transformation can be quite disturbing for a husband who isn't prepared to handle it. These issues are discussed in much more detail in the next chapter.
In some circles a woman may wear a bold ankle bracelet on her right ankle to tell men "in the know" that she's a hotwife. (At the same time, most women who wear ankle bracelets do so without realizing the possible significance.) Once seen as a hotwife, she may flirt with select men, making it clear that she's available for sex.
Women As Sex Objects?
Many women feel that being a hotwife turns a woman into a sex object. This seems to be primarily based on the premise that enjoying sex is a masculine prerogative. However, more and more women are finding that this is not so.
Most women have lived their lives trying to act "like proper women" and shunning men "who have one thing on their minds." Now, according to one woman, "I let guys know I like sex."
Thus, she may soon get beyond, "what other people will think" and concentrate on the pleasures of the sexual experience — in particular, experiencing regular orgasms. This is often bolstered by the excitement that surrounds the culturally taboo aspects of a married women having sex with other men.
Often the Husband's Idea
All of this notwithstanding, the cuckold husband/hotwife phenomena is typically the idea of the husband who not only knows about the high number of female affairs, but is even sexually excited by visualizing another man having sex with his wife.
According to one husband, "I had to really change my view about how a wife is supposed to be, especially with guys finding out she's 'easy.' But now I can sort of get off on having a woman that guys know is pretty hot. Fact is, instead of being embarrassed or defensive, I now sort of brag about how she loves sex, and then I casually mention that this sure makes her a lot different than most wives."
According to another husband, "...after a while I got into the idea of encouraging her to let guys give her all the sex she can handle. ...She's settled on several guys she likes and she gets it from at least one of them almost every day. I don't mind her going off with a guy for a few hours; I don't feel like I have to take her out — they do that. In fact, I have to admit, I sort of get off on knowing [when she goes out with a guy] that he will soon have her clothes off and be in her. I can kind of get of on visualizing them going at it."
From her husband's perspective, if he can rid himself of the "fallen woman baggage" that pervades most of our culture, the fact that she is pursued by men, makes herself available to men, and is frequently bedded by men, introduces a bit of competition for her. This can strengthen the husband's resolve to "treat her right."
Or, things can move in the opposite direction, with the husband feeling that, to a degree, she is no longer "his," and he may find himself emotionally distancing himself from her. If such feelings aren't effectively addressed and resolved, they may seriously damage the relationship. Things aren't helped when his change in attitude is accompanied by her (however transient) excitement about new men in her life.
From the husband's perspective there is sometimes a "taming of the shrew" element. He may fantasize about a powerful (safe) man sexually awakening and dominating her, and forcing her to break free of sexual inhibitions. Some husbands know how exciting a new sexual partner and experience can be, and want to offer some other men this experience with their wives.
A husband may also fantasize about having a wife that is, to a degree, driven by both a physical and a psychological need for sex. Visualizing or seeing first-hand other men meeting this need in her —but only with his permission— may excite him.
The Woman's Perspective
Women have a different perspective on being a hotwife, of course. According to one woman, "I've got a sense of freedom in enjoying the company of men and not being paranoid about a jealous husband, or even being worried about what people will think. If I want to do it with a guy, I have the freedom to let it happen.
At the same time, the hotwife does not want jealousy or resentment to ruin her marriage or threaten the unusual freedom she enjoys, a freedom she knows that very few husbands would be willing to grant. Therefore, she needs to be careful to be totally open and honest to her husband about her lovers. This means that there will be no secret conversations or secret meetings with men. It may also mean that the husband may want to approve of the men she has sex with.
The cuckold husband may want his wife to announce her sexuality by wearing revealing clothes. For example, he may accompany her to a night spot in a distant city and have her dress in ultra-revealing clothes. This can serve to get them both used to the resulting male attention. Rather than being jealous, having a wife that is seen by other men as sexually "hot" may provide him with an ego boost. (Dare we suggest that for some men hot wives are replacing hot cars as a source of pride.) Thus, while the male and female motivations might be quite different in the cuckold husband-hotwife phenomena, the ultimate goal can be the same.
The husband has to adjust to his wife not being sexually exclusive to him. He will have to deal with meeting men who have had or want to have sex with her. To compensate for any suspected loss of his virility, the husband may remind others of his own previous sexual escapades. At the same time to prove his lack of jealousy, he may freely admit to men that his wife regularly enjoys sex with different men, and he may even subtly offer her to select men. According to one man, "I like to set things in motion like that just to see what happens."
The Quintessential Issue
What may seem desirable for the husband or wife while under the influence of testosterone, libido or fantasy, may later seem like a huge mistake. The result may be regret and marital estrangement.
Clearly, the cuckold husband/hotwife idea is at odds with cultural conditioning and human tendencies toward jealousy and possessiveness. Although these traits may not be desirable, they are the norm and must be recognized. Even assuming that both partners are okay with going in this direction, most of society isn't. With most people there is still a sigma associated with a promiscuous wife and a husband that lets his wife have extramarital sex. Most people who find out about this will respond negatively toward both partners.
This can be a problem in a work environment where "character" is a part of job performance and promotion considerations. (A common male chauvinistic attitude with roots in the "wife as the husband's property" notion says that a husband should keep his wife "under control," and if she has affairs she definitely isn't "under control.")
While many couples are able to keep their sexual activities private, they may live with the fear that they may be found out. At the same time, self-employed people who live in large urban areas, or people who work around like-minded individuals probably won't have this concern.
All this being said, given the ever-increasing number of affairs, and the emerging attitudes about condoned affairs in countries such as Japan, one wonders if somewhere down the road to cultural enlightenment U.S. society won't be ready to accept open relationships. We seem to be in the early stages of that now.
Although the transition will certainly be bumpy, if we are able to shift our emphasis to love and commitment to hold relationships together, rather than the refutable doctrines about sexual exclusivity which simply cater to jealousies and insecurities, it would not only eliminate much heartache, but it would remove many of the "justifications" for dissolving relationships.
5 Ways Women Make Better Leaders
By Jo Miller, Women's Leadership Coach
International Women's Day : March 8, 2004
Females: Superior by Choice, Design and Default
Gaurang Bhatt, MD
March 8, 2004
In the beginning there were no sexes and reproduction was by binary fission or 'Swayambhu'. Then some bacteria indulged in sex. A Good Samaritan bacterium (Pardukhbhanjan) on coming across a distressed bacterium with damaged DNA, injected a spare copy of intact DNA into the sick one via a temporarily erected passage, to restore and replenish the sick one's genes. That is how sex began before gender. As Lynn Margulis has proposed and is now generally accepted, once upon a time a bacterium swallowed a chloroplast and another a mitochondrium. Lo and behold, instead of digesting the swallowed creature, the two organisms decided to live symbiotically and maybe this was the first marriage without sex, but with no recourse to divorce.
Later in evolution some of these newly formed eukaryotes abandoned binary fission and chose to put out distinct haploid (half the chromosomes for the species) gametes, which merged to become a zygote, from which a new baby eukaryote developed. Now the problem of these next generation of newlyweds was what to do with the furniture and appliances that each owned before moving into one cell (apartment). They mutually agreed that two conflicting color and design schemes would create a mess. Thus they would equally share the liquid assets (bank balance of nuclear chromosomes), but only one set of chloroplasts or mitochondria would do the housekeeping. So by mutual agreement one cell's appliances and furniture were trashed. Initially it was unpredictable whose, but decision was by mutual agreement. Then a mutant gamete arose which said, 'When I wed, I'll bring a dowry'.
Biologically, females originated this bad custom for a good cause, to avoid conflict. Simultaneously, a mutant irresponsible gamete arose who said, 'Someday I will marry and move into her already furnished apartment and we will live together peacefully'. These opposite type gametes had mutually suitable and complementary lifestyles and prospered and proliferated faster than the ones bickering in conflict about whose furniture should be destroyed.
Within a short time the custom developed that the female gamete would have furniture and appliances and rule the household. The lazy (called the male sperm) gamete retained only its bank balance (nuclear chromosomes) and enough loose change (energy source) to cover the bus fare to the female's apartment (called the ovum). It was always your place for the male gamete and not your place or mine! This made the zygote (new baby) totally dependent on the energy and food source of the maternal gamete which became the larger ovum, in contrast to the small, shrunk but more numerous and agile sperms of whom only one hit the jackpot.
The generosity of the female gamete is the birth of gender and proof of greater nobility by choice. All of us male and female get half our genes from the father and half from our mother, but we get our mitochondria and mitochondrial genes entirely and solely from our mothers. These maternal organelles allow us to consume oxygen and generate energy. The 'Praana' that gives us our 'Jiva' is exclusively maternal. Cyanide and other similar rapidly fatal poisons, which stop this machinery act on the mitochondria.
Fertilization in those days was in water and babies were abandoned and survived on their own. This is true even today in most life forms from insects to amphibians. More complex multi-cellular animals like reptiles evolved along a path of greater investment in progeny. Since the ovum was the larger and thus the greater capital investment by the mother, the burden of baby care fell on the mother. The male with abundant sperm was rewarded more by philandering and mating promiscuously, while the female was rewarded more for being selective and choosing the one with the best genes from universally irresponsible males, thus ensuring survival and further reproduction by its progeny. In dinosaurs, birds and mammals co-operative efforts of both parents are required to raise a brood. New male lions on taking over a pride of lionesses routinely kill cubs to stop suckling, which makes the lionesses receptive, fertile and ready to bear the cubs of the dominant male. This is reflected in the increased incidence of child abuse by stepfathers and the Jewish custom of accepting as Jews only those whose mothers are Jewish, due to easily ascertainable maternity. This is also the reason why female chimpanzees mate indiscriminately with males of the troop, to prevent males from killing their babies.
In birds, the females provide necessary nutrients in the large eggs to sustain growth and development of the embryo at great personal cost. In mammals they bear the fetus for weeks to months and lactate to feed infants. This is why the words gene, genesis, generate derive from the Sanskrit 'Jan' to give birth. It is the basis of the adage 'Janani janmabhumischa swargaadapi gariyasi' – the mother and the motherland, are dearer than heaven (GARA-GURU-in Sanskrit mean heavy from which are derived gravity and gravid in English). Incidentally only America and Germany that I know of depict their nation as Uncle Sam and the Fatherland. Almost all other nations call it the motherland (Britannia, Bharat Mata, La Belle France). Both liberty and justice are depicted as females. Parthenogenesis or giving birth without contribution from a male is clearly prevalent in nature, from insects to lizards. The opposite is only imagined in myths.
There is an arrogant chauvinistic instance of giving birth by males in the colorful early Greek and Indian civilizations. In both, this supreme capability is reserved for Brahma the creator and Zeus the king of the gods. To both is born a female child conceived from the head and both are the goddesses of wisdom, Saraswati and Athena. Furthermore women are less aggressive, less inclined to crime and violence, more devoted to peace, social coherence and live longer. The axis and orientation of the earliest stage of all developing embryos are determined by the concentration gradients of maternal proteins like Bicoid in the maternal egg. There is clear experimental evidence that in rats, the paternal genes structure the development of the hypothalamus (controller of sexual behavior) and maternal genes modulate the development of the cortex and callosum (controllers of social behavior). Thus females are superior by evolutionary design.
Finally in mammals during the early weeks of embryonic development, a single gene activated in a male fetus alters the future developmental course of the Mullerian and Wolfian ducts, the precursors of female and male internal and external genitalia. A biologist named Jost operated on fetal male sheep in utero and removed the ridge of cells destined to secrete testosterone, the effector of this change, and observed that in the absence of the male hormone testosterone secretion at this critical time, the male fetus develops as a creature with female external genitalia. In the case of human beings with such errors of nature, there is no uterus, a blind vagina, intra-abdominal testes prone to cancer and rudimentary breasts bud at puberty. This though rare, is a tragic error of nature playing a cruel joke in humans.
It proves that even in default, the natural path of development is skewed towards a female. It is the preferred and superior one. I rest my case and leave it to you ladies and gentlemen of the jury to give me your verdict. I am sure that there can be no doubt as to the veracity of my premise. If you agree with my thesis, it behooves you to be kind, caring and forgiving to the inferior weaker sex.
Women: Facts behind the fiction
Friday, 27 February, 2004
All the drama-documentaries in the IF series are based on rigorous journalism and research, here's just a few facts about how women's roles have changed, and could continue to change in the future.
• At A-Level girls outperform boys in 25 of 31 subjects at Grade A.
(Source: Depart of Education)
• By 2010, 40% of women will go into degree level education.
(Source: The Future Foundation)
• More than one in three working women now earns more than her partner.
(Source: Office of National Statistics)
• One third of new businesses today are started by women.
(Source: Women's National Coalition / Future Foundation)
• In 1990, one in 12 managers in Britain were women, by 2004 it's one in four and by 2020, it will be one in two.
(Source: The Future Foundation)
• The average age of women at the birth of their first child is 29; 2.5 years older than 25 years ago.
• Of women born in the 1950s, 1 in 10 did not have children. Of women born in the 1960s, 1 in 5 did not have children.
• Recent research implied a fall from over a hundred million sperm per millimetre of semen in 1940 to just 66 million sperm 50 years later. At this rate, western men will make no sperm at all by 2100.
(Source: Steve Jones, Y: The Descent of Men)
• Life expectancy for women has virtually doubled in the twentieth century and forecasts suggest this could rise to 120 years or more over the next century.
(Source: Women's National Coalition/The Future Foundation)
The future's bright, if you're female...
By Baroness Susan Greenfield, CBE
Professor of Pharmacology and Director of the Royal Institution
Monday, 29 March, 2004
The future could be female for many reasons: perhaps the most obvious is that we will shift increasingly from manufacturing industries, requiring muscle power, to work with our brains in front of the screen.
Women, therefore, will no longer be disadvantaged because they are unable to tote the barge and shift the bale. More importantly, flexible working from home will not be so difficult to combine with looking after children.
On the other hand, the conflict, that we know all too well, of work versus child-bearing and rearing, might also be helped by technologies enabling us, for example, to freeze and thaw our eggs.
Imagine, therefore, harvesting your eggs at the age of 18 or so when they are in optimum condition, knowing that you could then choose at what stage in your life you might want to reproduce.
You could therefore plan a career and appropriate breaks safe in the knowledge that perhaps with IVF and even a surrogate womb you could, nonetheless, still be a parent.
In fact, the genetic technologies could well do far more in terms of our concept of birth.
Some might think that men will no longer be needed; indeed, it could be possible in the longer future to extract genetic material from any cell in the body and combine it in an evacuated egg so that any one of any sexual orientation of any age could become parents.
This scenario has raised the strange prospect of at least possibly six parents: genetic donors, the donor of the egg, the donor of the womb and, indeed the people who brought the child up.
On the other hand, separating reproduction from sex does not disenfranchise men entirely: we are a very long way from the Orgasmatron of Barbarella fame. Indeed, it is hard to see how cyber simulation could substitute for a fulfilling, loving and physical relationship.
Then again, it could well be that the new technologies render us more autistic: less inclined and able to communicate, and therefore happier in front of a screen rather than talking to, let alone loving, our fellow man.
We could face a scenario where the old divisions between masculinity and femininity do, indeed, cease to have any use or need.
By this time, human beings, as we know them, will have changed so dramatically that we could no longer assume we would be in a "It's Raining Men" type-world, in which women were just naturally dominant, and males the subordinate group.
More probably, it is not so much that men could be extinct, as opposed to our family lives changing dramatically.
Just as the barrier between work and leisure is eroded, so will be the barrier between retirement and work, a job for life, as well as the generational chiild/parent/grandparent storyline that we are used to.
Wed 15 Sep 2004
"Women break through barrier as salaries soar "
SCOTTISH women are among those commanding the fastest-rising salaries in the UK, new research out yesterday claims, as women continue to push through the metaphorical "glass ceiling"
Female managers in Scotland now earn on average £36,034 from £34,000 two years ago, pushing them two places up the earnings’ league table into fifth position, the Chartered Management Institute (CMI) found in its annual salary review.
Rising pay is largely thanks to the upturn in Scotland’s economy over Recent years, said Petra Cook, policy manager at the CMI. "The Scottish economy has been growing very strongly over the last few years, resulting in a tight labour market."
On a UK average, mid- manager level females are beginning to outpace their male counterparts. At a departmental manager level, women command around £51,854 per year compared to men on £50,459.
CMI put the development down to the so-called Boardroom Greenhouse Effect, as UK firms warm to the idea of women in senior roles. Some 31 per cent of today’s managers are female, compared to 22.1 per cent four years ago. Traditional barriers to females assuming managerial roles - such as motherhood - are being swept away as working hours become more flexible and men play a more active role in childcare, says Cook.
Karina McTeague, head of legal and risk and company secretary at Lloyds TSB Scotland, added: "I think the ‘glass ceiling’ is becoming a bit of an outdated concept. Merit is very much on employers’ agendas."
Girls beat boys in infant classes
Thursday, 24 June, 2004
Girls in England are ahead of boys in their educational achievements from the very earliest years, new figures show.
The first ever national statistics showing "foundation stage" attainment indicate more girls than boys met or exceeded the early learning goals.
The data are based on reception class teachers' assessments of their four and five year olds in 2003.
Teachers' unions have denounced the exercise as overly bureaucratic, unwieldy and unhelpful.
The Department for Education and Skills stresses that the figures, relating to more than half a million children, are "experimental".
Personal development They come from 12-page paper booklets teachers have to fill in, making 117 separate judgements of what children can do.
These are grouped into 13 categories under headings such as personal, social and emotional development and mathematical development.
In every single category, the 2003 results show, girls are on average ahead of boys in meeting or exceeding the goals - as is the case throughout England's school system in almost every subject.
The difference is biggest in the personal, social and emotional development categories, where the gaps are 12 or 13 percentage points.
The other big gap is in their writing ability - 12 points on average.
Only in knowledge and understanding of the world do boys come close, though there is still a gap of two percentage points.
So, it's a woman's world
First they outperformed boys at A-Level, then it was at university - and now the women of Britain are beating men in the world of work:
Gaby Hinsliff, chief political correspondent
Sunday August 15, 2004
They were the first generation of girls to beat the boys in their school exams - and then outstrip them at university. Now they are storming the last bastions of male-dominated professions. For today's young women, it seems the future really is female.
Women now outnumber men in the most junior ranks of traditionally exclusive professions from law to medicine and the fast track of the civil service, which grooms the diplomats and senior Whitehall mandarins of the future.
And the crop of female students now hitting the 'milk round' of university recruitment is so 'outstanding' that companies are struggling to find men to match them, according to Carl Gilleard, chief executive of the Association of Graduate Recruiters (AGR) - who calls today for 'remedial action' to help the boys left trailing in their wake.
'The world of work is changing and today having good interpersonal skills matters. I think women are better at that, and their emotional intelligence is probably better developed often than men's,' Gilleard said. 'In off-the-record conversations I have with graduate recruiters they often talk about the calibre of candidates: they say the women are so outstanding compared to the men.'
With girls now outperforming boys at every level of the education curriculum from tests taken at seven to degree level, an Observer analysis suggests the effects are now beginning to be felt in the workplace, as the generation of girls who outstripped boys at A-level for the past four years begins to graduate. The findings will renew debate about the shifting balance of power between the sexes - and whether girls' greater academic success is simply due, as critics have argued, to the 'feminising' of the exam system or if it can be sustained in the world outside.
By last December, women were for the first time in the majority of those qualifying as barristers; and in 2002-3, they made up 62.7 per cent of trainee solicitors, according to the Law Society. In the same year they outstripped men in the race for the 'fast track' civil service, comprising 52.1 per cent of those recommended for appointment, even though more men than women actually applied, say Cabinet Office figures. Girls also take 61 per cent of the fiercely-contested places at medical school: on current trends female doctors will outnumber male ones by 2012, prompting the 'feminising' of the profession highlighted last month by Professor Carol Black, president of the Royal College of Physicians.
Only in accountancy is the trend reversed, with women making up 40 per cent of those entering for Institute of Chartered Accountancy's qualifying exams in 2002-3 - down from 43 per cent three years before. And while there are no official statistics for City recruitment, Gilleard warned that negative publicity from a string of sex discrimination cases exposing the brutally macho culture of some banks was likely to deter female high fliers. 'It's the damage it does to [an employer's] reputation even if you are found not guilty. It does influence how people perceive the sector.'
The figures are bound to prompt questions over whether employers anxious to show they are enlightened are positively discriminating in favour of women. But with girls expected to put in another powerful performance in A-level and GCSE results to be released over the next fortnight, Gilleard said the current generation of young women deserved their success, and the failure of young men to match them needed to be tackled.
'Employers and the government need to take some kind of remedial action. The government's just waking up to the fact that we have got lost generations of lads in schools. If we did reach a position where 80 per cent of doctors and 80 per cent of lawyers were women, there would be a case for the same kind of concern as there used to be when things were the other way round.'
Gilleard said the huge change in the number of women entering the law had been 'quite remarkable', and could force change. 'With over half of qualifying lawyers being women, what's the sector doing to ensure that women who take career breaks come back? There's going to be serious issues if they don't find solutions.'
Recent AGR research has, however, shown one obstacle to female success: online applications appear to put women off. Gilleard said the tendency to list required skills or characteristics, inviting applicants to weed themselves out appeared to be dissuading more modest female candidates: 'The girls say, "I don't think I'm that good" and the boys say, "I can do that and more besides".'
The figures also reflect the fact that more women than men are graduating from university: in 2002-3, they made up 56 per cent of first-degree graduates. Figures released last week by the Higher Education Statistics Agency showed however male graduates were more likely than women to be unemployed.
In the US, experts estimate that within five years 61 per cent of college entrants will be female - prompting reports that some Ivy League universities are already manipulating their admissions procedures against women.
Katherine Kelsey has known since she was 10 that she wanted a career in the law and, far from holding her back, she believes being female can be an advantage in what was once a heavily male-dominated profession.
'My generation learned that women can do what men do,' says Kelsey, 24, who graduated from Oxford with a degree in jurisprudence before gaining a pupillage and finally being called to the Bar.
'Future generations will learn that they can do what men do, but as women, rather than having to act like men. Certain strengths which are seen as feminine strengths - empathy, communication - are huge assets in criminal and family law.'
The daughter of a legal secretary, Kelsey says that the flexibility and challenge of life in chambers appealed: 'Few professions offer that combination of the benefits of self-employment, with the structure and support of working for chambers. Your career is what you make it - if you need to work fewer days a week, you can.'
The legal world remains divided by gender: while women tend to dominate criminal law, commercial law - often better paid - remains a male preserve. But while Kelsey doesn't think the idea of 'having it all' - a demanding job and a family - is particularly helpful, she points out that life involves choices for both men and women: 'You have to work out for yourself what you value and I sometimes pity men, as it is perhaps less accepted for them to choose the more family orientated route and work less - whereas women can do either.'
Emmi Poleliakhoff, 24, was born to a Japanese mother and a half Russian father, and travelled a lot as a youngster, witnessing the end of communism. 'It made me interested in why some people are rich and others poor,' she says.
At 18 Poteliakhoff left her north London state school and went to Cambridge University to study economics. She admits she was competitive with the boys during her A-levels, wanting to assert her ability as a woman. 'Economics involves maths and that is quite male dominated,' she says.
She applied to the government economic service - the civil service fast track scheme for economists - and is now an assistant in the economics division of the Department for Health. 'When I arrived there were two women there,' she says. 'Eighteen months later there are six. Today half the assistants and a third of the advisors are women.
'I really enjoy my work and have not hit any barriers as a woman but it would be interesting to see how men and women progress over the next few years.'
NEWSWEEK COVER: 'The New Infidelity'
Sunday July 4, 1:18 pm ET
More Married Women Cheating On Their Husbands as Infidelity Gender Gap Closes; Up to 40% of Married Female Clients Cheating On Spouses Compared With 50% of Men, Say Therapists
'He Tells Me My Skin Is Soft and That My Hair Smells Good. I Know It Sounds Stupid, But That Stuff Matters. It Makes Me Feel Sexy Again,' Says 39-Year-Old Married Woman of Her Five-Year Boyfriend
NEW YORK, July 4 /PRNewswire/ -- More married women are cheating on their spouses than ever before and the infidelity gender gap is almost certainly closing, report Contributing Editor Lorraine Ali and Senior Editor Lisa Miller in the July 12 Newsweek cover story (on newsstands Monday, July 5). It's hard to say for sure just how many married women are having sex with people who are not their husbands, because people lie to pollsters when they talk about sex, and studies vary wildly. (Men, not surprisingly, amplify their sexual experience, while women diminish it.) But couples therapists estimate that among their clientele, the number is close to 30 to 40 percent, compared with 50 percent of men.
American women today have more opportunity to fool around than ever; when they do fool around, they're more likely to tell their friends about it, and those friends are more likely to lend them a sympathetic ear, report Ali and Miller. They probably use technology to facilitate their affairs, and if they get caught, they're almost as likely to wind up in a wing chair in a marriage counselor's office as in divorce court. Finally, if they do separate from their husbands, women, especially if they're college educated, are better able to make a go of it-pay the bills, keep at least partial custody of the children, remarry if they want to -- than their philandering foremothers.
The road to infidelity is paved with unmet expectations about sex, love and marriage, report Ali and Miller; women think they should be having great sex and romantic dates decades into their marriage, and at the same time, they're pragmatic enough to see how impossible that is. Couples begin to live parallel lives, instead of intersecting ones, and that's when the loneliness and resentment set in. Marisol can't remember the last time her husband paid her a compliment. That's why the 39-year-old grandmother, who was pregnant and married at 15, looks forward to meeting with her boyfriend of five years during lunch breaks and after work. "There is so much passion between us," she says. "He tells me my skin is soft and that my hair smells good. I know it sounds stupid, but that stuff matters. It makes me feel sexy again."
Many married women are finding their boyfriends at work, reports Newsweek. Nearly 60 percent of American women work outside the home, up from about 40 percent in 1964. Women and men bring their best selves to work, leaving their bad behavior and marital resentments at home with their dirty sweatpants. At work, "we dress nicely. We think before we speak. We're poised," says Elana Katz, a therapist in private practice and a divorce mediator at the Ackerman Institute for the Family in New York City. "And many people spend more time out in the world than with their families. I think sometimes people have the idea that [an affair] will protect the marriage."
Along with its 4 million porn sites, the Internet has exploded with sites specifically for people who want to cheat on their spouses-sites like "Married and Flirting" at Yahoo, "a chat room dedicated to those who are married but curious, bored or both!!" Online romances have a special appeal for married women. For one thing, you don't have to leave the house. "You can come home from work, be exhausted, take a shower, have wet, dripping hair, have something fast to eat and then, if you're feeling lonely, you can go on the Internet," says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert, Calif.
John LaSage tells Newsweek he was shocked to come home one day and find his wife of 24 years had disappeared. He'd bought her a computer four months previously, he says, and he knew something was wrong: she'd stay up until 3 or 4 a.m., browsing online. She told him she was doing research for a romance novel she was writing, he says, and after her disappearance, he hacked into the computer to investigate. "I have transcripts. I can't tell you how excruciating it was to read the e-mails from people supposedly speaking with my wife, but she wasn't talking like my wife. That was just weird." Two weeks later he discovered she had left the country, he says. "I wasn't the perfect husband. I would have done a lot of things differently, but I never got the chance," says LaSage, who has since founded an online support group (chatcheaters.com) for people with spouses who stray.
Also in the cover package is a guest essay by Hollywood-based personal trainer Mike Torchia, who writes that in his 30 years in the business, he has probably had affairs with more than 40 married women. "Most of them were in their 30s, married eight to 10 years, with kids, and their husbands weren't paying attention to them," he writes. "It's natural to want to have sex with your trainer. Remember that training is very hands-on. I'm touching them, motivating them, encouraging them, listening to them, relieving their stress and channeling their energy in a more positive way. Just as their husbands used to do at the beginning of their marriage." Torchia writes that he doesn't regret having affairs with married women who "just wanted to be loved." "I like to make them feel young, mischievous, alive. If they can have a taste of it again, they can realize they haven't lost it."
The Science of Cuckoldry
By sex therapist & relationships counselor Susan Gower
After studying human sexuality for many years it has become inarguable to me that a cuckold relationship (in which the wife engages in sexual activity with a variety of men while her husband remains faithful) is most compatible with basic human evolutionary make up. It is straying from this evolutionarily grounded human bonding relationship that has produced such misunderstandings and conflict between the sexes.
At the very base of this principle is the understanding of a woman's psychological need for a variety of sex partner's. Psychologically, women are hardwired differently than men. A woman has a dual sex drive. The first is centered on finding a mate for life to help support her and her offspring. This is why (and when) love is such an important part of a women's sexual desire. The second is a desire to obtain a variety of the best genetic material to produce the best children. This second desire begins to grow once a woman has found her life mate and grows stronger as time with him progresses. Eventually, this later and more powerful drive overpowers her sexual desire for her life mate. This is why a woman's sexual desire for her husband diminishes over time. At the same time her sexual desire for other men is increasing. Often this desire for other men becomes so strong she cannot deny it. This does not make her immoral or mean that she no longer loves her husband. It is simply part of her genetic code.
Physiological sexual differences between men and women also support the cuckold relationship as the ideal for marriage. It is well known that women don't reach her sexual peak until they are in their thirties, while men peak by the time they are twenty. In a typical marriage, a wife is generally younger than her husband or the same age. As a result, a woman's increasing sexual appetite, do to her biologically age based sex drive, gives her greater sexual needs than her husband. She needs more sexual encounters, longer sexual encounters and more orgasms than her spouse. Her older or same age husband, on the other hand, wants sex far less than his wife, oftentimes lasts only a few minutes before he reaches orgasm and then, no longer interested in sex, leaves his wife unsatisfied and frustrated. As a marriage continues this discrepancy in sexual needs increases dramatically, usually to the breaking point of a wife secretly finding a lover or lovers outside the marriage.
Compounding this is that nature has not only given women a two prong and exponentially stronger sex drive than men, it has also given women the ability to experience a far greater quantity, intensity, and variety of sexual pleasure and orgasm than men. This is nature's way of motivating a woman to seek out sexual activity considering the risk she bears in doing so. (Even though today's contraceptives greatly reduce these risks, they do nothing to diminish the internal triggers that drive a woman's need for a variety of sex and sex partners. If anything, this reduction of risk intensifies her drive to seek pleasure.)
As a result, women can experience a wide range and intensity of sexual pleasure and diversity of orgasm. Besides the pleasure and orgasms derived from manual, oral and coital stimulation of a woman's clitoris, all three of which feel distinctly different, a woman can reach a completely different sensation of pleasure and a completely different orgasm from the stimulation of her g-spot by a well endowed man. A woman can even reach orgasm by proper stimulation of her nipples if she has been brought to a state of intense clitoral arousal. Stimulation of her nipples and clitoris at the same time will give her a yet another unique intense orgasm. Her ultimate height of pleasure is found in oral or manual titillation of her clitoris while simultaneously having her g-spot stimulated. It is interesting that this is best accomplished by the use of multiple sexual partners, suggesting nature's preference for male, female, male couplings. Finally, the crowning pinnacle of a woman's sexual superiority is her ability to have a multiple orgasm and full body orgasmic experiences.
Men, on the other hand, are far simpler sexually. Stimulate their glans (the little patch of skin at the front of the penis just below it's head) and they ejaculate. Furthermore, men can get nearly the same level of satisfaction from masturbating as the do completing a sex act with a woman. For women, masturbation will give them only temporary relief. Women need to have sex with a partner to be fully satisfied, especially psychologically.
The male also has a much simpler sex drive than a woman. He simply wants to mate with any female he finds desirable. The longer he is denied sex, the stronger his desire grows and the criterion by which he finds a woman desirable lowers. Since it is the woman who decides if he will be allowed to have sex with her or not, his desire for her sexually is also linked to the desire for her approval. As he becomes more interested in her the desire to please her as a way to get sex can become overwhelming for him. That is why you will often see men acting foolishly in front of females they desire, even though they have no chance to have sex with them. That is also why, once married, a man will begin to take his wife for granted; now that he has easy availability of sex from her, she becomes less desirable to him.
One might think that this is a good argument for having an open marriage in which both a wife and her husband find sexual partners outside their marriage. Interviews with couples in open marriages have shown that these marriages almost always lead to a competition between the two spouses regarding who is having more sex with more partners. A wife will always win this competition because it is much easier for a woman to find sexual partners than it is for a man. The competition, however, can become nasty, ugly and often cruel. A wife will sometimes be drawn into the competition so deeply she will have sex with far more men than she wishes too, and her husband will have growing feelings of inadequacy, as he cannot keep up with his wife. This kind of competition almost always destroys a marriage.
Furthermore, the idea of open marriage assumes the erroneous notion that men need a variety of sex partners. While all evidence indicates that a married woman both physiologically and psychologically does need a variety of sexual partners, a married man does not. The genetic code that drives a man is the thrill of pursuit, not the need for variety. Husbands in clinical studies who's desire for their wives have waned and who's interest have turned to other women have been completely turned around when their wives begin using arousal and denial techniques on them. These techniques instill uncertainty in the husband as to whether he will be allowed to complete a sex act with her or not. Time after time, in study after study, these husband's desires have been focused back to their wives exclusively, losing all interest in other women. The wives in these studies were even able to vary their husband's level of interest through increasing or decreasing their application of arousal and denial techniques. It was further found that when these same wives reverted back to traditional sexual practices with their husbands, their husbands began to loose interest again and began to again look at other women as possible sex partners.
Interestingly, it was during the sexually repressive Victorian Era that an unusual mix of cuckoldry and the sexual arousal and denial of males was employed. It was believed at that time that many ills were caused by excessive male ejaculations. They believed that loss of sperm contributed to a whole host of maladies, from asthma to mental illness. As a result, chastity devices were often prescribed for men. This practice was so prevalent that over two hundred patents for male chastity devices were applied for during this era.
Conversely, at this same time, it was believed that women suffered hysteria from lack of sexual release. Orgasmic therapy was prescribed for the treatment and prevention of female hysteria. Women would visit their doctor, or the doctor would come to a woman's home to manually, or in secret, by more intimate means, deliver her orgasms. Most often it was married women who requested this therapy, often as much as three times a week. Some doctor's journals noted that the demand became so great that they had to delegate these visits to their interns.
A structured practice of female sexual satisfaction and male denial grew quickly. Women had a lot of leisure time and spread the word of the benefits of orgasmic therapy and spousal chastity through the popular women's societies prevalent at the time. Since men could not be trusted to have self-discipline, their wives were usually given the keys to their chastity devices. A kind of secret society developed in which these wives called themselves Key Holders. Key holding wives would deny their husbands sex while they enjoyed the services of their physicians and their physician's interns or secretly engaged in sex with other men. Within these women's clubs women introduced other wives who were unsatisfied with their husbands, to recommend chastity for their husbands and treatment for hysteria for themselves. Doctor's finding a man's wife desirable would also prescribe the same in order to gain access to her.
Some woman's journals discovered from this time period tell of their exploits with doctors, interns and other available men. The jest of the mailman and milkman delivering more than mail and milk are very well rooted in fact. It is interesting that a whole society developed around wives having sex with other men while denying their husbands who had to remain faithful to them. It is not uncommon to find entries in a wife's journal such as "I had a wondrous day today. After a most satisfying visit, for both myself and Doctor Elbridge's young intern, I spent a delightfully entertaining evening raising my poor husband's lustiness near to its pinnacle during this time that he must abstain from loosing semen. His antics were most amusing and raised my own lust. As always, he proved his devotion to me by pleasuring me in a most deliciously French way.( Mine will be the most scrumptiously naughty story of any lady tomorrow at tea)
Another journal tells how excited one wife was that she had her husband doing housework, an unheard of practice at a time when male and female roles were so rigid, illustrating again how arousal and denial of sex can totally alter a man's behavior. Other journal entries tell of the rise in attention from their husbands and the thrill of sneaking around behind their husband's back and having sex while their husband was "locked in his cage."
While diagnosing the damage done to women by denying them the fulfillment of their sexual needs may have been falsely labeled hysteria, the doctors of Victorian times were startlingly near the mark. Victorian doctors had insightfully identified the need women had for sex with a variety of men.
Unsurprisingly, since human societal structures were originally matriarchal, societies that still live today in ways closer to our original female and male roles do not suffer from the damages of psychological and physiological stress. These more basic societies, far from the modern world, are nearly always matriarchal. It is the women in these societies who control property, family affairs and sexual activity. These women will usually have multiple husbands and lovers. One or two of these men provide them with food, shelter and security, while the others provide them with sex. Male, female, male couplings are not only accepted, but quite normal. In some societies, certain "stud" males will exclusively service a wife, in others, wives will share, exchange and even trade stud males. Men in these societies are happy in their subordinate roles to women. While there are some incidents of jealousy, there is no violence, crime, or sexual perversion. Men are focused on pleasing their wives instead of impressing other women in the group or competing with other men, except in the area of being good sex providers. Wives will keep this competition light and fun and ongoing. Men focused on this kind of competition do not compete with each other in other ways either, leading to much stronger male/male friendships and cooperation.
An unlikely place further confirmation of the appropriateness of cuckolding in human bonding relationships was discovered in the findings of primate studies. In one study, researchers found two anatomical influencers of fidelity in primates. One was the physical size difference between the sexes. The other was the male's ratio of penis size to body mass.
It was found that in those species of primates where the female was considerably larger than the male, the female would have many sexual partners and bond with none. As female/male size became closer, the female would bond with one male. This male would remain faithful to her, but she would continue to have sex with non-bonded males. It was found that this was not reversed until the male became extremely larger than the female.
The second influencer the researchers discovered was the ratio of penis size to body mass. In species where the difference in physical size between the sexes was slight, (as it is in humans) the penis to body size ratio increased female dominated sexual behavior. The smaller the penis to body size, the more bonded males were restricted to activity with only their mate while females would engage in sexual activity with a variety of non-bonded males. Within these groups, females would generally bond with males with smaller penises and engage in sexual activity with better-endowed, non-bonded males. The most common activity between females and their mates was grooming and eating, with the far greater amount of sexual activity occurring between mated females and males other than their mates. Neither mated nor non-mated females would engage in sexual activity with bonded males who were not their own mates. The most frequent sexual activity of bonded males was masturbation.
This study particularly intrigued me because it's findings correlated so closely with my own experiences. I have assisted many couples in beginning and maintaining cuckold relationships. Among my patients, husbands with smaller penises were not only more agreeable to being cuckolded, but would even sometimes suggest it. These very enlightened, lesser-endowed, husbands were keenly aware of their inability to satisfy their wives sexually. By accepting their wives engaging in sex with other men they were relieved of the pressure to perform.
It makes sense that this behavior would be present in humans since humans are primates whose difference in size between the sexes is slight and men's penises are very small when compared to their body mass. Also interesting is that women, like other primate females, will rarely engage in sex with married men. A husband's wedding band makes for a fairly efficient chastity device.. A wife's wedding band, however, does little and sometimes even encourages pursuit by men. This further illustrates that the innate human proclivity for cuckold relationships goes genetically even deeper.
Our modern morals and the female/male roles imposed on us by society are not only aberrant behavior given our genetic make up, but psychologically unhealthy and morally unethical. It is unfair that a woman is forced to repress the powerful sex drives that are so genetically imbedded in her psyche. Most married woman simply can't do it. It is uncountable today how many wives are having sex with other men behind their husband's back because our society cannot accept a woman's natural needs.
At what point did we move from a matriarchal to a patriarchal society that perverted our male and female sexual roles? We have so inverted out ideas of human sexuality that we have come to believe that women have a lower sex drive than men when the reverse is true. We think that men should be free to have sex unbridled, when it is women who should be freed and men bridled. We have created a society in which women struggle with guilt and frustration over their natural sexual needs while men are obsessed with perverted sexual deviations from far too great an access to far to great a variety of sexual stimuli and freedom.
Just as our modern lives preventing us from responding to our need to express our flight or fight response leads to stress, and our turning from whole foods to processed foods give us all sorts of physical ailments, our denial of our natural sexual programming leads to untold emotional and behavioral problems. It would startle the average person to learn how many divorces are caused by the inequity of a woman's unfulfilled sexual needs. In an effort to protect the man from humiliation it is rarely mentioned in polite society that the reason for a couple's divorce was because the wife was finding sexual satisfaction outside their marriage. If we could be open and honest about a women's needs, and that it is not the fault of their husbands that they need to fulfill those needs outside their marriages, then maybe we could begin to embrace cuckoldry as a healthy societal norm and save far more marriages..
I have saved many marriages in my practice by gently introducing the idea and practice of cuckoldry to struggling couples. I have seen in my own female patients that once they start to engage in sex outside their marriage with the acceptance of their husbands and the security that their husbands will remain faithful, they become more centered, calm and confident. Similarly, once their husbands get past their jealous feelings and fear of inadequacy they become calmer and more mature, no longer engaging in childish behavior like nights out with the boys or an obsession with sports. They even loose their interest in pornography as their wives recounting of their extramarital exploits, or their participation in those exploits, becomes much more titillating to them than the artificial titillation of pornography.
When my female clients add the uncertainty principle of arousal and denial to their cuckold marriage a woman can bring her husband back to the days when they were first dating. Husbands become more focused on their wives and no longer suffer the frustrating feelings caused by a desire for unattainable women
Cuckold marriages can evolve into a great variety of preferences. In my own practice I have seen cuckold marriages that range from those in which cuckolding wives enjoy subjecting their husband's to humiliation and punishment, to those in which wives will have sex with other men in front of her husband as a form of entertaining them, to just about everything in between. Most couples in my practice, however, have very loving marriages with playful arousal and denial that seem conventional in every way except that the wife dates while her husband remains faithfully hers.
It is regretful that the cuckold relationships of Victorian times could not have evolved into an open way of life accepted by modern society. It is my hope that one day it will. ______________________________________________________________________________________