How To Get Started: Questions asked by the Novice Dominant Woman:
Q. Hi Elise, I first learned about this "female supremacy/domination" from a guy I met. He was upfront about the fact that he is a submissive male looking for a dominant female that he would share his life with. We became intimate and that was the first time that I assumed the dominant role. And guess what, I enjoyed it. But every time, the idea that this kind of relationship is "abnormal" makes me step back. The reason why I contacted you is because I need help in being more comfortable in this kind of relationship.
A. Your question is a very familiar one as many women who begin to explore their dominant sides have reservations. This just goes to show how successful our male dominated society has been in making women feel inferior to men. As women, we have been programmed since childhood that the man should be the dominant partner in a relationship or marriage. It is never easy to overcome our upbringing and our traditions. That is why you entertain thoughts that you may doing something that is "abnormal". This is especially true if you were raised in a strict religious upbringing. Women struggle with the "guilt" that they may be going against what God has designed.
The thing you must remember is that it was a man that has introduced this lifestyle to you. That is almost always the case. A man with submissive desires introduces Female Domination to his female partner. Why do men do this? It's because men desire and need to be in submission to women. No matter how hard society or religion tries to tell men differently, something deep inside of them yearns to surrender to a powerful woman. These desires grow stronger with age and men will spend countless hours dreaming and fantasizing about Female Domination. They will pursue these desires and struggle with these desires trying to come to terms with them but sadly they will not come to terms with them until they truly have a relationship with a woman whom can explore these desires with him in a loving manner.
The other side of this dynamic is that women who embrace the dominant role and who allow their dominant nature to come out, end up absolutely loving this lifestyle. That is what you are now discovering. It never ceases to amaze me how many women who once were real hesitant about being dominant end up loving it so much that they later say that they would never go back to being in submission to a man or only having vanilla sex with a man. This lifestyle is so liberating to women and it is also liberating for men as they can now fulfill that yearning within them.
As far as the D&S stuff goes, that depends on each woman and on each relationship. A female domination relationship can take on many forms. Lots of dominant women do embrace the whole leather and B&D scene as these things do provide great tools in the training and disciplining of their man. Other women enjoy a softer D&S relationship, as they prefer a Victorian type of discipline and training of their man. Still other women love to be the dominant partner and love to rule the marriage but they do not like to incorporate D&S or B&D but use male chastity to control their husbands. Some women like myself are Female Supremacists, while other women see themselves as just Feminists, and others see themselves as equals with men but with the belief that the wife needs to lead the husband.
The most important thing is that each couple must keep the lines of communications open, as honesty and openness are crucial in a female domination relationship. A woman needs to be open minded to explore new things as her submissive shares with her his deepest desires. It is all about negotiating and fulfillment. What touches his submissive nature? Does he have a leather fetish? If so, then wear it. Does he have a foot or a boot fetish? Does he crave whippings or spankings? Does he enjoy the helpless feeling of being in bondage? Find out what draws out his submission and do these things to him. Then take his submission and channel it into the service of you. Use your dominance to draw out more of his submission and than use that to get your needs met and fulfilled. It is like a dance. Get a man aroused and submissive than have him serve you (massages, oral sex, chores, etc). Keep him aroused and denied most of the time or his servitude will wane. Allow him some sexual relief but make sure that he understands that you decide when and how. No more than once a week at the most for him and preferable only once every other week. You, on the other hand, should receive as many orgasms as you desire. Are you starting to see why women love this lifestyle?
Above all, relax and enjoy the journey. You will make mistakes and you will experience the mental struggles at times but the more you let yourself go and allow your dominance to flow out of you, the more you will love this lifestyle and you will wonder how you ever lived outside of a D&S relationship before.
Q. Elise, my husband and I have embraced the Female Domination lifestyle and we progressed a little. However, I am still a little unsure as how to proceed. My husband is getting rather hesitant because I know I am not controlling him as I need to. He has begun to neglect me, not physically but in the little things like trimming my pussy hair and painting my toes. I have to ask him to do things that previously he would do simply out of devotion and servitude. When I punish him, I am rather half hearted and it doesn't do anything to make matters better. Help.
How can I make myself do what I want to do but am still afraid to do? My husband still wishes to be my slave but is fast losing patience with me because I won't do the things I should be doing to dominate him. We have your procedures but I need help with the role playing (I feel silly at times dressed as the mistress). How can I change me? I need help making me the controller and tips on how I can see results. Please help as I have seen the possibilities and enjoyed them but need help in being true to myself and the FemDom ideals.
A. It sounds as you if just need a little reassurance and self-confidence. It is perfectly normal for a woman to be a little hesitant about this lifestyle in the beginning. The key to success is your attitude. Don't worry about not knowing how to do certain activities. Skill comes with practice. Your husband needs to be patient with you. One thing that might help is to forbid him to speak during your sessions unless you grant him permission to address you in a limited manner. That way he will not be critical if you do something not as smoothly as he would like. A beginner dominant wife can lose her edge from one critical remark coming from her husband. A critical remark can deflate you and zap you of your dominant energy. So forbid him to speak during the session unless it is absoutely necessary. But after the session when you are asking him the psychoanalysis questions or even the next day, openly discuss with him what it was he liked and what it was he disliked about the D&S session.
When you have these discussions with him, it is important that you don't receive any criticism he may give to you negatively. Don't take it personal. Learn from any mistakes and learn what triggers his submission and what causes him to want to submit to you. Listen to him carefully as you are looking for nuggets that exposes his weakness to you. As you grow in this lifestyle, you will take what you learn and use it on him in order to control him. He will think that you are discussing the session with him because you want to do better in order to please him. But in fact, you are discussing things with him in order to exploit his weakness. All of this comes with time and practice.
So relax and enjoy the journey. The key during the session is your attitude. He will respond to your dominant attitude better than the actual D&S activities. Before a session, get dressed and have a little pep talk with yourself in the mirror. Notice how dominant and sexy you look in your fetish outfit and tell yourself how superior you are over your husband. Walk and talk like a dominant woman. Act dominant and you will be dominant. The key to role-playing is attitude. In the beginning, pretend you are an actress on an acting audition. Get into the role of a dominant, no nonsense woman. Over time, this will begin to come naturally and you will not have to act. But in the beginning, it helps with the role-playing. Have the attitude that your husband is lucky to be in your presence because you are a Goddess.
That is another thing, you are a Goddess. You need to see yourself as you really are. You are superior and you are dominant. It is on the inside of you and you need to relax and allow that dominant energy to flow. Let it come, don't think too much just BE dominant. It is there on the inside of you. Do not take any crap from your husband. Value his input but do not allow him to manipulate you. Be bold and be strong. You can do it.
Above all, just relax and have FUN. This is supposed to be fun. There is no need to be afraid. If you make mistakes, so what? If he doesn't like the way you do certain things, so what? This lifestyle is about you getting your needs met. He exists for you. You do not exist for him. He is your servant. You will motivate him by pulling out his submission through D&S but you do this so he will be motivated in serving you. So have fun and if you ever need a little encouragement, feel free to e-mail me.
Q. Elise, I really enjoy the procedures and exercises that I got from you, and I love the female domination lifestyle. It has really enhanced my marriage and our sex lives. However, I still have trouble getting my husband to submit to me outside of the bedroom. I know that I am not strict enough and that I don't follow through with this lifestyle outside of the bedroom. I guess that the desire is there within me, but I am still hesitant and maybe even a little scarred to take this lifestyle all of the way. I hope I am explaining my dilemma correctly. What would you recommend that I do?
A. Your dilemma is a most common dilemma. You have experienced some things in your relationship that most women will never experience. You love the way that you feel when you are dominating your husband, as you feel very powerful. You want to go further and to experience more. However, you have to overcome your upbringing, the male dominated societal philosophy, and tradition. This is hard to overcome. However, you will not be totally satisfied until you do.
The worst place to be is riding the fence. As long as you just confide it to the bedroom you will continue to enjoy your sex life, but you will constantly feel that tugging inside of you to go all the way with it. That female power within wants to come out, but you are holding it back by your inhibitions.
The best advice I can give you is to make the decision to go all of the way and then just do it (as the Nike commercial says). Some things that you can do that will help you are the following.
Keep playing with your husband a minimum of twice a week. Read as much material on the subject of female domination that you can. Watch videos and surf the web to come up with fresh ideas to help to motivate you. Of course, keep reading my website. Surround yourself with other dominant wives for support. Join a female domination support group in your area or if there is none, than start one. One other dominant female friend who practices this lifestyle will make a world of difference.
By doing these things, it will give you the courage to continue to grow as a dominant female. Let me encourage you not to turn back now. You know what the past was like when men dominated you. You can't go back to that. Therefore, be strong and forge ahead. Overcome your inhibitions and become the dominant female that you naturally are.
Q. Elise, I am writing because my husband wants me to. I am not inclined to be a dominant at all but my husband wants me to be. I have always viewed my participation in his sexual games/perversion as actually me being manipulated by my husband to get what he wants. In other words, if I boss him around I'm doing it because he wants me to, not because I am at all comfortable with it. You write that you are a natural dominant. I do not feel so inclined. I am not into control, which is why I'm a pretty happy woman (except for my unsatisfied husband). My controlling friends are all on Prozac to keep up with their insatiable need to control the lives of their husband, kids, and friends. They would really benefit from this. I love my dear husband but the lifestyle really turns me off. I don't care if I get my toenails polished or my floors polished. I do not find his proclivity appealing. I've really said what I need to. There it is. What is your recommendation to a woman in my position? Thanks for taking the time to respond.
A. Thanks for writing. Over the years I have talked with many women who have felt the same way you do about this subject. A lot of wives have felt pressured by their husbands to become the fulfillment of their husband's fantasies. Believe me, that is not what I am about. I try to encourage women to be themselves and to celebrate their own uniqueness that makes each of us special. I encourage men to revere and to serve their wives in a way that is pleasing to her. After all, true submission is to serve in a non-selfish manner. A true submissive man should strive to make his wife happy and fulfilled, whether she sees herself as dominant, submissive, or whatever. I am sorry if your husband has pressured you to write to me. Men often make the mistake that I will side with them. The fact is, I usually side with the woman because I can empathize with her, as I usually understand from where she is coming.
The first time I was exposed to this lifestyle, I thought it to be strange and perverted. I attended a meeting of a local D&S group to write a paper for a class I was taking. I went in viewing these people as being sexually dysfunctional. However, I soon learned that most of these people were healthy and normal. People from all walks of life, religious backgrounds, and professions were members of this group. Now I will confess that there are extremes that people go to with D&S that is not healthy but that is the same with all things. Eating is not a negative habit but taken to extremes it can be unhealthy. The same goes for a person's sexuality. From my years of studying and living this lifestyle, I can tell you that your husband's desires are not perverted. As a matter of fact, they are very common among men. A leading Psychology periodical did a massive study about men's sexual fantasies and the number one fantasy was to be sexually dominated by a powerful woman. It is the number one sexual desire among men living in our society. Perversion is defined as that which is outside the sexual normal. D&S in very much within the normal of people's sexual desires.
I am not trying to make excuses for your husband. All I can do is tell you what I believe based on my studies and experiences. I challenge you to do your own research. There are reasons men have this desire. It is formed primarily from their childhood and their relationships with the female authority figures in their life. There are other factors but the root cause can usually be traced to childhood and adolescence. Another reason is, in my humble opinion, is that women are designed to be in charge. Society has had things backwards and a man's natural submissive nature has been repressed and bottled up so it finds its expression through sexual fantasies. Now please don't misunderstand me. I am not saying that women need to be "Super Women" and take on all responsibilities. As a matter of fact, I believe that men and women both have different strengths and weaknesses. We compliment each other and we must work together as a team to be successful. However, there has to be a Quarterback of a team. There must be a President of a company, a boss of an employee, a final authority figure and decision maker. I believe that it should be the wife in a marriage. The reason those women have to take drugs to cope with stress and fight depression is because they are trying to do it all themselves. I can assure you that I don't take Prozac and I don't know of any women that are in this lifestyle that do either. If anything, we have less stress and depression because we allow our husbands to serve us in the manner that we need servitude (which varies from woman to woman based on her needs).
So I would challenge you to view this lifestyle in a different light. Instead of viewing it as you fulfilling his strange fantasy, I challenge you to view it as you assuming the authority position and using that position to get your needs fulfilled and met. It truly can be a win win situation. By taking the reigns of the marriage you will be fulfilling his deep rooted submissive desires and at the same time you will be allowing him to fulfill your needs and desires. If you don't want him to polish your toenails or your floors, then don't. Have him serve you in a way that is pleasing to you. Not to him, not to me, or anyone else. How can he please you? What I tell couples when I counsel them is this. Sit down and have an open and honest discussion about your needs and desires. Your husband may need this lifestyle for the additional motivation that he needs to do those extra chores, to be romantic in the way you desire, and to please you.
I would also encourage you to perform the psychoanalysis that I have posted on my site. It will be an eye opening experience for the both of you. You will start to understand a little why he has these desires and where they originated from. If you do this, it is important that you are open minded and that you do not judge him. It is very important that he is secure that he can open up to you without the fear of being rejected. It is also important that you are honest with him. If there is an activity that you can't do for whatever reason, then tell him in a loving manner. Openness and honesty is what you both need to have for a successful relationship and sex life. One final thing, if you decide to embrace parts of this lifestyle, just relax and enjoy it. There is no right or wrong here. You two are married and you both should be able to enjoy each other and to fulfill each other. If you can't open up about your most secret and intimate desires with each other, then whom can you open up to? One of the saddest things is that men will come to me and confide in me their deepest desires, yet they are afraid to share these things with the woman who is the love of their life out of fear of rejection. I give you husband credit for having the courage to open up to his wife about his submissive desires. I give you credit for having the courage to write me. It is not easy to take a step into an area that is foreign to you. I wish you both the best.
Q. Ms Sutton, I am angry. I don't know if I should be angry with you or my husband or society, but all I know is that I am upset. We have been happily married for twelve years. All seemed to be well with us but out of the blue, my husband decided that he needed to tell me about his need to submit to me. Lately, he has been wonderful but I knew something was up because he has been too wonderful. He was eagerly doing chores around the house and he was constantly trying to serve me in some capacity. He was giving me foot rubs, offering to massage me and bathe me and he kept pulling me on top of him during sex.
We have always enjoyed a close relationship but he was going a little overboard with his enthusiasm to serve me. Therefore, I decided to ask him what was up. That is when he dropped on me about being a submissive man who needed to serve a dominant woman. He went and got out a package that was gift-wrapped that he was planning on giving me for Valentine's Day. He originally was going to give it to me on Christmas, but he chickened out. I opened the package and it contained a whip, leather lingerie and a "How To" book on Female Domination. It also contained a few articles that he printed off of your web site.
I didn't know how to react. I was shocked, stunned and angry. He could tell that I wasn't receptive so he apologized and he told me to forget about it. Forget about it? How could I forget about it after he had laid all of this on me? I asked him, "why this urge to submit to me after all of this time?" He told me that he had always had these desires but kept them a secret from me but he had discovered your web site and that gave him the courage to introduce me to his little fantasy.
I read some of the book and I had a look at your web site. When I saw your article about "How to Introduce your Wife" I realized where he got the idea of doing chores, giving me foot rubs, and etc. This made me angry with you. On the one hand, I can appreciate the intelligent and thoughtful way that you approach this subject, but on the other hand, I don't appreciate you encouraging men like my husband to drag their wives into their unusual fantasies. Ok, now I know my husband has fantasies about being the slave to a leather-clad woman. But how dare he assume that I would be willing to be that woman and how dare you assume that most wives can be easily manipulated into becoming the object of their husband's fantasies.
I thought all was well with my marriage but I guess I was wrong. We were very much in love and happy but now every time I look at my husband, I view him differently. I do not respect him as much today as I did yesterday. He feels embarrassed and he should. How can I expect to be intimate with him now that I know that he doesn't want to be my equal but wants to be my slave? Every time he does chores around the house or does anything nice for me, I will be skeptical. I will always wonder if he is trying to get me to dominate him. Since you are obviously an intelligent woman, do you have any suggestions for us? Or has my husband permanently damaged our marriage?
A. Thank you for having the courage to write to me in spite of your anger. I can sympathize with your situation, in your mind all was going along smoothly but you feel your husband has compromised things by his revelation. However, lets change the focus for just a minute and ask ourselves, "Why did his confession cause you to become angry?"
Remove my web site from the equation because I did not seek out your husband or force my philosophy upon him. He sought out my site, as he no doubt had a habit of viewing female domination material behind your back. He was drawn to my approach as it gave him hope that he could share a part of his nature with the woman that he loves, from whom he previously had to hide due to a fear of being rejected by her. Your reaction to his confession shows that his fear of rejection was not unwarranted. Your husband displayed tremendous courage by introducing you to a lifestyle that he secretly desires, in spite of his fear that you would reject both him and the lifestyle.
It is not my intention to defend your husband. I have never met the man so I cannot comment on his character or his motivation. But I can tell you that I have counseled many men over the years that refused to muster the courage to approach their wives about this lifestyle. Instead, they chose to keep their true natures hidden and as a result they ended up sneaking behind their wives backs as they sought out domination from professionals, whom they ended up paying a handsome sum of money. Now which would you prefer? A husband who trusts you enough to bare his soul to you or a husband who hides his feelings from you out of a fear of being rejected and instead bares his soul to another woman?
Which brings me back to my question, why did his confession cause you to become angry? You say it is because he jeopardized your happy marriage by manipulating you to become the fulfillment of his fantasy. I don't buy that explanation. There is a deeper problem here. Why did you become skeptical when he began to serve you? Could it be that you couldn't receive his servitude because of your negative attitude and skepticism? You immediately judged his motivation as being manipulative. That says a lot about you. You assumed that he was doing this strictly so you would become the fulfillment of some perverted sexual fantasy. It never entered into your mind that he might possibly desire to genuinely serve you. Why the immediate skepticism? If you can answer that question, you will understand why you became angry.
Let me take a shot at answering this question, for I have seen this before in other women. You were skeptical because of how you have been treated in the past by men. You once were a trusting young woman who was full of hope. But after years of being disappointed and manipulated by men (including your husband), your trust and hope has turned to cynicism and skepticism. You have come to believe that no man could possibly treat you that good without an ulterior motive. You have basically hardened your heart to the fact that men cannot be trusted.
I agree with your assessment and I can empathize with you. However, what you are failing to take into consideration is the natural submissive nature of men. Men need to be under the control of women and men need to be disciplined and trained by women. Husbands need to be under the authority of their wives. Your husband recognizes this and he is trying to tell you this so you will take control of him. He wants to submit to you not so much for the fulfillment of a sexual fantasy (although there are some aspects of that) but rather because he needs the strong and loving hand of a female to rule his life and to keep him in line. Men need that. They needed it when they were little boys under the authority of female authority figures and they still need it today under the authority of their wives. As men mature, they begin to long for it.
You became angry when your husband gave you that present because in your mind it re-enforced your distrust of the male gender. You were hurt because a part of you was hoping that your husband was treating you like a Queen for no other reason than that he truly loved you and worshipped you. The gift of leather lingerie and the whip made you feel disappointed and hurt due to all that you have experienced in the past. You never stopped to consider the meaning of the contents of his gift. You quickly judged the situation due to past hurts and past disappointments.
You mentioned a number of times in your question about what a happy marriage you had. Are you trying to convince me or yourself? I am not doubting that you have a loving relationship with your husband but obviously something was lacking as far as he was concerned. I believe that he was sincerely trying to reach out to you by trying to introduce this lifestyle to you. He knew there was a good chance that you would react this way but he made the decision that it was worth the risk to him. Now he must accept and live with your response.
You asked for my advice so I am going to give it to you. You are correct in that you can't go back to the way things were. His confession has forever changed the dynamics of your relationship. However, how it changes will be up to you. The potential is there for this change to be a very positive one. My advice to you is to seize this opportunity and use his submission in order to train him to be the kind of husband you desire and deserve. Look past the leather and the whip and focus on his servitude. Give him a chance to prove to you that his motivation is pure. I am sure you enjoyed it when he tended to your needs and did chores for you. Who cares what motivates him? A wise woman will find out what motivates her man and she will use it to train him.
If wearing a little leather and using a whip will motivate him to treat you like Queen and will cause him to submit to your authority, then do it. Isn't a marriage supposed to be a win/win relationship where both partners are fulfilled by giving to each other? So give him what he needs in order to provide him with the motivation that he needs to give you what you need and deserve. He wants to treat you like a Queen. He wants to submit to you. He wants to worship you. It is up to you lead him where he wants to go. By doing this, you will experience much fulfillment and much satisfaction. Why not give it a sincere try? You just may gain a better marriage and a deeper, more meaningful relationship.
Q. Hello I would like to start off by thanking you for your site it has been so wonderful and very helpful just retaining the information. I am fairly new to this lifestyle, and I am a bit uncomfortable with proceeding with some of the exercises. For example fearing when I spank him I will hurt him, or spank too hard, or when I grab his balls I will torture him. Did you ever fear any of this when you first starting into this lifestyle?
I think for me my Dominating characteristics are more mental and they have not been so much sexual. I have read a lot of literature but it's the hands on experience I do not have much of. Can you recommend anything that I can do or information that I can read to ease my issues or bring me more comfort? I have a submissive that I have met and he is wonderful. We have not done a lot of sessions, as like I said I am new and I fear to some degree that with his prior experience he will become bored. Thank you in advance for all your help.
A. Every woman goes through what you are experiencing. We all were beginners at one time. The best advice I can give you is to relax and just be yourself. Keep the lines of communication open with your submissive man and allow him to give you feedback after each session. Ask him if you spank him too hard or not hard enough. Don't worry, you cannot spank him too hard if you keep it to his ass cheeks. He may yelp and use his safe word if you hit him too hard and then you can make the adjustment. It is best to start out light and build up to hard. That way you can build up his pain threshold. The same goes with grabbing his balls. Go ahead, grab and twist them. They are pretty resourceful. His body language will tell you if you are squeezing too hard.
Relax and be a physical woman. Get in the habit of touching, fondling and squeezing your man's anatomy. Experience only comes through practice. Reading is a great way to gain knowledge but practice is what will give you skill. We all make mistakes and I still sometimes hurt my man by doing something too hard or being too rough. But he is strong man and he survives and forgives me. He really has no choice and neither does your man. If he wants you to become an experienced and skilled Dom, then he will have to live with your learning experiences. Have fun.
Q. I read and I love your site. I've also gone to the "Real Women Don't Do Housework" site and was wondering if you knew where I could get her book? I can't seem to find it anywhere. Also, do you have a book? Thank you, and keep up the great work.
A. Did you try Amazon.com? I am actually working on a book right now and I hope to finish it by the end of 2002. Then it will be a matter of finding a publisher. In the meantime, I recommend the following books for a beginning Dominant Woman:
"The Mistress Manual"
"The Sexually Dominant Woman, a workbook for nervous beginners"
"The Art of Sensual Female Dominance"
"Charm School for Sissy Maids"
All are available on Amazon.com.
Q. Elise, My husband came to me years into our marriage with this need for domination - I do not understand and have tried to explore the physical aspect with my husband. It was not successful and became very difficult for me.
My question to you is where does this need come from in a man - I do agree it was courageous of him to share this need with me. I see it as a sexual need, because that is where it seems to initiate from although your article indicates it is deeper. How do I respond when I cannot see the benefits for me that you say are there. I am resistant to this process, because it doesn't feel right. I would like some suggestions to open up a meaningful relationship. My husband has chosen to seek out his submissive release with another woman.
A. The benefits to the wife are endless. You are where most women in this lifestyle once were. It starts out being about your husband's sexual needs and desires. However, his needs and desires are rooted in his desire to serve a woman, namely you. The big question is how do you desire to be served?
What I would do is I would have an open discussion with him and tell him that you are willing to dominate him but it will be your way or no way. First, forbid him to see Pro Doms or other women. If he violates your rules, you will no longer dominate him in the bedroom.
Next, have him serve you in ways that are beneficial to you. Have him draw you a bubble bath and bathe you. Then have him towel you off, apply lotion to your body, blow dry and brush your hair, give you a massage and orally pleasure you. Such an exercise usually draws out the submissive nature in a man.
You could give him sensual spankings a couple times a week and assign him chores. Then the next time you discipline him, you can grade his performance in doing his chores. See the benefits? He does chores for you, he pampers you and whatever else you desire out of him. Start out slow and build up to gaining more control over him and thus making more demands on him.
You might even want to do my Psychoanalysis on him and order my other procedures. These get into some advanced D&S stuff but they are written for novices such as yourself. Most couples have a lot of fun with them as they lead them toward a Female ran marriage.
These are just a few suggestions. Above all, relax and have fun being a dominant woman. Female Domination is all about loving female authority. That is what he is really longing for. A FemDom relationship can be a win/win for both the wife and her husband. There are many benefits for the wife. You just need to overcome your inhibitions and embrace these benefits. Good luck.