How To Raise Children in a FemDom Marriage: Questions about How To Practice the FemDom Lifestyle with Children Around
Q. Elise, I noticed on your profile page that you don't have children. My husband and I have two children ages six and ten. How would you suggest that we go about a female domination lifestyle with children around?
A. It is important that you protect your children's innocence and not expose them to any kind of sexual or dominance activities between you and your husband. You must allow your children to grow up as normal children and you must protect them from seeing or experiencing anything that, due to their age and immaturity, they are not equipped to emotionally handle. Therefore, only play and practice your D&S lifestyle when the children are away or when you go away without the kids. You will have to steal away to play.
I would suggest purchasing a trunk that can be locked, to put all of your D&S materials, tools, and clothing in. Make sure it is locked securely and keep the key somewhere you are positive that there is no way the kids could ever get to it. Then when the kids go to visit relatives and friends, it can be playtime. It's not much different than all couples with children encounter when they want to have sex. Don't play if the kids are just next door and they might walk in on you. Make sure that there is no way they are coming home for the night, before you open up the trunk and play.
Your playtime will be much more important, since it will be rarer than couples without kids. The wife is going to have to make sure that she gets her husband's complete obedience during this playtime, so she can re-enforce to him how she wants him to behave around the children. Plus, assign him all of the necessary chores.
If the wife uses her playtime wisely, she can guarantee that her husband will show her the proper respect around the children and that he is an excellent father to them. If he ever does anything in rearing the kids that she doesn't approve of, she can address this during the next playtime. This will mean less arguing around the kids, which in turn means the kids will grow up in a peaceful and harmonious home. Then once the kids grow up and move out on their own, you can allow your D&S relationship to enjoy the freedom of having the house all to yourselves. Until that time, please guard and protect your children by using discretion.
Q. Elise, I know that it's none of my business, but I thought that I would ask anyway. Why no children? You stated on your profile page that it was your choice. I only ask because we don't have any either, and I get tired of people asking us about it and our family saying that we are selfish for not having any.
A. Boy do I know what that is like. I don't know how old you are, but the good news is that the questions and comments about not having children usually stop when you reach forty. First of all, I love children. I think that they are precious and I love being around them. My favorite ages are from three to nine. I have nephews and nieces and I played a big role in their upbringing. I spent a lot of quality time with them. I use to teach Sunday school for first and second graders. Again, I love children.
However, I never had a desire to have my own. Some women long to have kids. Some women exist to have kids. I, on the other hand, never desired to have children of my own. My husband wanted children, but I set him straight before we got married. If I would have gotten pregnant, we would have welcomed a child. Although that was probably only going to happen during the first few years of our marriage. Once I introduced my husband to this lifestyle, intercourse became a rarer occurrence. Even during the beginning of our marriage, we always used protection. I just didn't want to get pregnant. Once we got deep involved with the female domination lifestyle, than I was really against having children. I enjoyed our playtime far too much to give it up. Perhaps that is why I took so fast to the female domination philosophy of denying my husband the privilege to enter me. I didn't want to take any chances of screwing up this wonderful life and lifestyle. Some may call that selfish, but lets face the facts. Most children that are born into this world are not planned pregnancies. They are the result of a passionate moment. The women who get pregnant are usually every bit as selfish as the ones that don't. How many people honestly have children as the result of being unselfish? So I admit that I am a little selfish when it comes to my marriage and my lifestyle. However, that doesn't mean that I don't like children.
Another thing is, I love animals. I own two dogs and we treat them like our children. I love to care and to nurture animals. I don't equate them with children, but they still are entitled to be loved and cared for. I wish people would have less children, and begin to care for at least one pet. The problem is, people are so busy tending to their children, that they don't have the time or resources to care for a pet or two. So I figure that all of us people who don't have children, need to take up the slack and care for the animals.
Anyway, the bottom line is that I don't have children because I never desired to. However, I am all for children and I love children.
Q. Dear Elise, Female supremacy- How far is it taken, and what is expected of a male?
I am asking because although I dream of being with a dominant Woman, the idea of Her treating me like 'dirt', or constantly belittling me and inflicting cruel tortures leaves me feeling cold. Does every D/s relationship mean that the man has to give up everything he has? I don't wish to sound 'cheeky' asking this, but I am interested, and truly do not know what is/would be expected. I mean it is not my fault I was born male, but I do dream of submitting.
Also, How would You see (any) dominant Woman bringing up children, i.e. one female and one male ? Not that my opinion matters much to You, but I would hope they would be raised as equals. I personally wouldn't want to see one child treated differently than another, bearing in mind that ALL children are innocent. I hope You understand my sentiment.
A. I will answer your second questions first because it is very important that you understand this. D&S must be between two consenting "adults". Children must never, repeat never, be included in
anyway. Adults must protect the innocence of all children and never "play" or practice their lifestyle
in front of them. That is why I recommended that married couples get a trunk to lock up all of their
D&S gear, toys, and wardrobe and only get into it when the children are away from home. Boys and girls must be treated equally and be allowed to mature and develop on their own. Children are to be in submission to both parents as a male guardian has authority over a female minor as his maturity and wisdom entities him to this authority.
A Female Domination marriage should encourage harmony in the home and the wife should deal
with her husband and his behavior behind closed doors. The husband must show respect to the wife and never argue with her. He is to obey the wife in a reverence manner that will ensure harmony in the home and allow for a healthy environment for the children to grow up in. If the wife diligently disciplines the husband during their playtime, this will ensure an obedient husband and a loving father. Children will witness their father loving their mother, being a responsible citizen, doing chores around the house, and spending quality time with them. This is an excellent male role model for boys and girls. The children will also notice that Mom is the head of the household and this will be a great help to a daughter as she will be less inclined to fall into societies stereotypes of male and female roles.
Also, neither parent should ever push their sexuality or their lifestyle on their children, even as the
children mature. Each of us are individuals and we must explore and discover our sexuality in our own time. Parents are obligated to share the facts of life with children and encourage a strong code of morality. However, they must never discuss D&S or Female Domination. Their kids will discover all of this naturally at the right time. A submissive male need not have a parent explain this lifestyle to him. His desires will develop and his nature will eventually come forth.
This brings me to your other question. Both men and women are created in the image of God and thus very valuable. You totally misunderstand my writings if you think that I advocate the treating of men like dirt or abusing men. You are confusing delving inside of a man's fantasies to unlock his submissive desires with the treatment of men as second-class citizens. Submission and slavery in this lifestyle is a willing submission and a willing slavery. It is the man laying down himself for his Queen and Goddess. It is an act of devotion to the female gender and a revelation within the man that the female is superior to him. Nothing is forced nor can be. It is a condition of the heart.
The woman disciplines, dominates, and humiliates a man in order to fulfill his desires and in order to train him for her service. I explain this phenomenon in a number of my Q&A entries. Women are not better than men. I never say that women are better than men or of more value. What I say is that women are superior (above men, of a stronger character, designed to lead men, equipped to train men, equipped to rule men).
A woman trains a man to be a better person, a better husband, and a better father. She breaks the aggressive male and channels his strengths into service of the woman and to humanity as a whole. Men are aggressive and thus violent. Strength and aggressiveness can be a good thing if channeled into the right things. Don't be ashamed about being a man. Men are beautiful creations and very special. Each person is unique and special and that includes you. You just need to find a woman whom you can serve. I wish you all the best.
Q. Due in large part to your site, I have totally embraced the female domination lifestyle and philosophy. It has been everything you said it would be and I can't recall when I've been happier. My husband was the one who first showed me your site with the hope that I might possibly give this lifestyle a try. I have surpassed his wildest expectations and he is now my total submissive and servant.
We have two boys, ages nine and seven. I love these boys more than life itself and I have taken your wise advice by hiding our FemDom lifestyle from them and only playing when they are not home. I do believe in disciplining children as we used loving discipline on them long before we became involved in this lifestyle. Both my husband and I come from loving homes where we were taught good manners and we were disciplined through spankings and the denial of privileges when we misbehaved. We use the same type of loving discipline on our boys and as a result, they are two well-behaved little boys.
However, since I have taken charge of my marriage and since I now view my husband as my submissive servant, I no longer allow him to discipline the boys. I just don't feel it is right that a submissive male should spank the children. I now administer all discipline and punishment to our boys when they misbehave. Not only does this re-enforce to my boys (and my husband) that Mommy is in charge of the family but I feel that I am training my boys to accept female authority. I further feel that by being disciplined by their Mother only, my boys stand a greater chance of growing up to be submissive males like their father, which is exactly what I want them to be.
My dilemma is this, Elise. On the one hand, I am doing my best to keep our sexuality hidden from our sons and I am trying to allow them to grow up as normal little boys. Yet on the other hand, I do feel an obligation as their Mother to instill in them the proper submissive and respectful attitude toward women and the female gender. After all, most parents impart their religious, political, and personal viewpoints of society and the world to their children, so why shouldn't I? I have come to strongly believe in Female supremacy and in Matriarchy so don't I owe it to these boys to instill in them my beliefs and philosophy as far as this lifestyle goes? Of course I am speaking of the non-sexual aspects of this lifestyle of respecting female authority and female rule.
This brings me to my final question (I feel a little embarrassed to even ask it but I feel it is an important one). When I did your psychoanalysis on my husband, I discovered something interesting and perhaps profound. The one event that he could recall from his childhood that perhaps planted the seeds for his submissive desires toward women was an occasion when his Mother spanked him while she was wearing only a bra and pantyhose. Apparently she was getting dressed when my husband did something bad so she never bothered to finish dressing and she pulled him over her lap and administered a spanking. His Mother was a beautiful woman and he never forgot this incident, as he was around ten years old at the time. This revelation of his got me to think about how I should be dressed when I discipline my boys. What is the proper attire a Mother should wear when disciplining her sons? Would it be wrong for me to dress sexual with the hope that it might plant some submissive seeds within my sons? Thank you for your time.
A. I have had a number of clients that recalled a similar experience about their Mother or a Female guardian. Women are free around their house and usually don't think much about what they are wearing around the children. Many men recall seeing Mom wearing only a bra and panties or a slip or girdle or a pair of pantyhose, as she would discipline them. Like with your husband's Mother, a lot of Moms don't consider how they are dressed when their boys act up and they feel they are in need of discipline. Mom may be getting dressed when one of her sons comes bursting in the bedroom, crying from a fight with his brother, so Mom's instincts take over and she comforts the crying child while determining if anyone is in need of punishment. Mom might be half dressed or even less than half dressed when such an unexpected incident occurs. Some women are more casual around her children than other women.
I agree with you about instilling your worldview and philosophy on your boys as far as how they should view women but you need to do it in a non-sexual manner. Teach your boys to respect women and teach them how to treat a girl when they approach the dating age. Train them to be young gentlemen and the rest should take care of itself. Also, having them view how your husband treats you with the proper respect and having them view your husband doing many domestic chores around the house will help to mold them into the kind of young men that you desire.
As far as how you should be dressed when you discipline your boys goes, that is totally up to you based on your own conscience. My advice would be discipline them however you are dressed at the time. I wouldn't go out of my way to put on clothes, to change clothes or to remove clothes. If you are wearing a dress when they act up, then discipline them while still wearing the dress. If you are in a tee shirt and blue jeans, then discipline them wearing the tee shirt and the blue jeans. If you are wearing only a bra and a skirt, then discipline them while wearing the bra and the skirt. My point is that you need to forget about your attire and instead focus on the correct way to mete out their punishment.
Most of the time, a spanking is not necessary. The removal of privileges or grounding a child can be as effective as a spanking. Especially once the child reaches the age of ten and older. However, you can't totally rule out spankings, especially if it is a defiant and serious act of rebellion on the part of the boy. Which brings me to the proper way to spank a child. How should a Mother spank her children?
First, never spank them if you are angry or upset. Send them to their room and allow yourself a cooling off period. Make sure they know that a spanking is coming so they can think about it while you are cooling off. Then have one implement for the spanking. Never use a belt. I recommend a wooden paddle, a wooden spoon or a wooden hairbrush. Once you enter their room, make them pull their own pants down and have them lay across your lap. Never strike a child that is running away from you or one that is not in the desired discipline position. If the child is still rebellious, it is Ok to gently grab the child and pull him over your lap. Next, spank the child with light but firm blows to only his buttocks. Never, ever spank a child on any other area of the body. The number of spanks should be based on the seriousness of the offense.
After the spanking, tell the child to think about what he did and why he was punished. Leave the room for about five minutes. After the five minutes, go back into the room, hug the child, tell him that you love him and that Mommy only disciplines him for his own good. Give him lots of Mommy hugs and kisses. How you spank is more important than what you are wearing when you spank. Just being a woman who is disciplining her son will help to water those submissive seeds that are present within every male. Teach all sons to be gentlemen and the world will be a better place.
Q. Hello Elise, Allow me to take a few moments to introduce myself. I am a 38 year old bi-sexual female married to a man 4 years my junior. We have been in a D/s relationship for almost three years now. He is totally submissive to me. We participate in spanking and some CBT and nipple torture (he really becomes excited when his nippys are clamped), he does domestic chores around the house nude or while feminized, and he is my cuckold. I do not go out much on him but do occasionally and twice have brought the man home for him to watch and on one occasion, serve us by bringing drinks, and snacks to us in the living room.
My question stems from reading you Q/A section. In one of the questions, you answered a lady who had children in the home and wisely recommended keeping their lifestyle away from the children. I of course agree that no matter what the sexual proclivities of a couple, they should not be doing it in front of young children. Like you, my husband and I childless in our marriage but I have a sixteen year-old sexually active daughter who lives with us. She is quite a stunning young woman and I have a desire to bring her into the relationship. I think it would be quite erotic to see her dominate him, laugh at him, and humiliate him. I also feel it would be very degrading and humiliating to him.
What I picture is having her dressed in a leather skirt she owns with a pair of boots. I would have him doing dishes or cleaning the kitchen or some such menial task and she would walk into the room. She and I would chat, perhaps making some quiet laughing references to him while he worked. Finally, I would have him come over and strip for me in front of her and pointing at his manhood laugh and say "see what did I tell you". She would tease and make references perhaps comparing unfavorably to high school boys penises. Maybe saying "it looks like it belongs on a kid in junior high, can it even get hard?" At this point perhaps I would make him masturbate for her. In any case, I would give her joint charge over his penis and his orgasms and he would be made to please us both.
Do you feel this is inappropriate with her being my daughter and sixteen? As I stated earlier, she is already sexually active and she and I are quite open with each other about her sexuality. Do you see any harm in what I have described to you? I look forward to hearing from you soon and thank you for your wonderfully insightful web site. It was very interesting to me and I am sure will help many women and men like us.
A. Why do I have the feeling that your husband is the one who is pushing this idea? Your daughter is a minor and it is unlawful for your husband to participate in any sort of sexual activity with her. Plenty of men are sitting in prisons today for engaging in the sort of activity you suggest with sixteen year-old girls. I don't care if she is sexually active or not.
Sixteen is too young for the type of activity you suggest. Besides, your husband is not worthy to sexually serve your daughter. He should not be given that privilege. Once your daughter is an adult, you could make your husband serve your daughter in domestic ways like running errands for her and doing chores for her. Once she is legally an adult, you could sit down with your daughter and explain to her about female domination and how you dominate your husband and then you could allow her to dominate your husband in non-sexual ways. That will have to be your decision when the time comes.
As far as your daughter is concerned, if she is sexually active, make sure that you have a talk with her about how she is a Goddess and make sure that she understands that her body is a temple and that no man has a right to expect sex from her. She should always expect men to treat her like a Queen and she needs to learn that sex is for her pleasure and not for her boyfriend's pleasure. At sixteen, she should not be engaging in intercourse with boys. She has her whole life ahead of her and as you can testify, sex for women gets better with age. I would hate to see her bright future altered by getting knocked up by some boy who is not worthy of your daughter. If you haven't already, make sure that she understands all of this.
Now is the perfect time to begin discussing the non-sexual aspects of female supremacy and female domination with your daughter. Young women need to expect men to treat them with respect. Sex should be saved for that special boy who proves his worth to her outside of the bedroom before he is allowed the privilege to serve her inside the bedroom. Help your daughter to develop a healthy self-image and the rest should take care of itself.
Q. My wife was a wonderful dominant woman who passed away two years ago from an aneurysm. I had been in love with her for years when she said she'd marry me on two conditions: that I always remain chaste and obedient, and that I never ask her about her sex life. I agreed, and we had thirteen happy years together.
During the second year of our marriage my wife became pregnant and gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl now 11 years old. Since her passing, I've been trying to raise them as she would have wanted. I now work from home in order to spend more time with them. They are both well-behaved and happy kids, except of course when they think about the loss of their mother.
My wife believed the supreme deity was female. She taught her children to give thanks to the Goddess, and we all used to pray together everyday as a family. I am continuing this tradition. I think it not only helps my son learn to respect women, it gives my daughter a sense of pride in being female. It also gives them (and me) a lot of comfort.
Although I deeply believe that females are superior to males, I try very hard to make sure I treat my children equally, and give them equal amounts of attention. I don't see anything wrong, however, in trying to find safe ways to teach them feminist ideals. They know I support women's causes and charities, and I occasionally mention the fact that things would be a lot better in the world if women had more power. I also keep feminist magazines around the house, and my wife had a large collection of books on matriarchy and "herstory", which they often thumb through. I know they remember how obedient I was to their mother and when I'm around women now I always make sure I'm respectful and deferent.
I would like to know if I'm on the right track here. Am I doing too much? Too little? Do you have any further suggestions? I would truly value your comments.
A. You sound like a beautiful man and I admire your love and dedication to your wife and her children. I think it is wonderful how you are honoring her by raising her children as she would have wanted. You obviously loved her very much and you were blessed to have thirteen years with her. Now you can channel your dedication to her over to her children. Yours was a marriage based on servitude so now you can serve her by raising and loving her children. I think you are setting a lovely example of pure male submission and men the world over can learn from your example.
My only advice to you is for you to embrace your future while you honor your past. Don't rule out meeting another woman to serve. You owe it to those children to put them first in your life but that does not mean you cannot pursue another FemDom relationship. A man with your dedication and desire to serve has much to offer a woman. One day in the near future, those children will be adults and will have to stand on their own two feet. They may or may not choose the same path in life as you and your lovely wife did. All a parent can do is instill in their children the values in which they believe but then it is up to the children to make their own decisions in life when they become adults.
It is admirable that you are making sacrifices for those children and I hope that you continue to do so. But don't neglect to plan for your own future. When you feel you are emotionally ready, you need to seek another woman whom you can serve with the same dedication you showed toward your wonderful wife. You are definitely on the right track with how you are raising those children and I wish you and your children all the very best.
Q. Dear Ms. Sutton, In the May 2003 Q & A Forum, there is an entry from a gentleman who
sadly lost his wife of 13 years due to an aneurysm and is raising his children on his own. He states that he is trying to raise them with feminist ideals. He also says that it helps his son respect women and his daughter to be proud of being female. Though they are his children and he has his beliefs, shouldn't he teach them to just be proud of who they are and to respect humanity in general regardless of gender?
Shouldn't they be allowed to discover their orientation on their own as they grow up? Would it be proper for parents to teach their children, in a non-sexual way of course, about female supremacy and related subjects?
A. Do you have children? Do you not instill into your children your religious and political beliefs? How many parents do not influence their children politically and spiritually? Do parents ask their kids, "What church do you want to attend this Sunday?" No, parents take their kids to the church of the parent's Faith.
What about Politics? Most people join the same political party that their parents joined. Why? Because they were taught their parent's values and political beliefs. Of course, you should encourage your children to be free thinkers and you should always support them no matter what choices they make in life. But it is a natural thing for parents to raise their kids with the same values of the parents. Then it is up to the children to decide on those values when they become adults.
This gentleman was merely continuing to raise these children the same way their mother was raising them when she was alive. He was doing this as a living tribute to her. I think that is wonderful. As long as he shows both children an equal amount of attention and love and as long as he allows them to maintain their innocence by not exposing them to any sort of sexuality, I see no problem with raising kids in his wife's belief system. You may not choose to raise your kids like that and I may not have chosen to raise my kids like that, but this is a free country and parents still have the right to raise their children with their personal religious, political and societal ideals.
Would you be concerned if he took them to a church that believes in Patriarchy? Most churches in the US teach a form of Patriarchy. Are you concerned for all the girls out there that are taught that God is male and that women should be in submission to their husbands? Most mainline Christian, Jewish and Muslim denominations teach this and they have a right to teach this in a free society. Likewise, this gentleman has a right to teach his son that a Matriarchal society is best and that God is female. We may not agree with his wife's philosophy but we do agree that she has a right to her philosophy. Any man that is loving enough to raise his deceased wife's children according to her wishes (perhaps going against some of his own upbringing and beliefs) should have our respect and admiration. If he instills in his son the same kind of loyalty, devotion and character, his son should grow up to be a lovely young man.
Q. Mistress Sutton, I was raised in a home that practiced Female Supremacy and Female Rule. I was taught to obey and serve my Mother and my sister. Then I met a wonderful dominant woman and married her. We have a great marriage and I am definitely submissive to her. I always try to do my best to please her. Both my wife and I are satisfied. I am also glad that my wife gets along very well with my mother and sister. We also have a son, he is 4 years old.
My question is about my son. My wife wants to feminize him in order to bring up in Fem Rule. Actually she started this a few months ago. She dresses him in girl clothes, doesn't let him cut his hair, encourages his playing with dolls and other girl toys. She says in a year he will be educated in make up. His nails will be polished and also he will have lipstick training.
I always obey my wife's wishes but I have some reservations about feminizing a little boy in this way. I think this may harm his psychology. Of course I want a respectful boy who has a soft heart and of course I can't oppose my Mistress. I am not well informed about this so I can't be sure. In closing, please let me express my gratitude to you for helping and educating people.
A. I agree with you on this. As I stated earlier, it is Ok to raise a boy to believe in Loving Female Authority and Female Rule of society but you have to allow him to mature on his own and allow him make his own sexual and social decisions as he matures. Your wife is trying to force her son to become a feminine male by taking some controversial measures that I do not agree with. By the way, this practice is also done among so-called mainstream Feminists. There are even public school curriculums that try to re-program boys to be more feminine. What your wife is doing may be an extreme case but it is based on the same principal adopted by some Feminists.
What your wife is risking is the potential for a major backlash when her son gets older. Instead of embracing the feminine, he may begin to feel embarrassed and thus hate the feminine and go totally in the opposite direction. It is best to allow your son to make his own choices and to give him loving guidance. She would be better off teaching him the virtues of Female Rule and he will learn more from watching how you interact with his mother, then he will from her approach. If he sees you submitting with humility to his mother and if he sees the way you treat women with reverence and respect, chances are he will grow up to also respect and admire women. His submissive nature can be cultivated by his mother through female discipline and nurturing and not by feminizing him.
If he chooses on his own to play with dolls and female toys, then it is Ok to allow that and to encourage that. But if he wants to play football or play with male toys, then you should also allow that. Let his nature develop on his own timetable and let nature take her course. The job of a parent is to train a child and to instill into that child positive values with love. He will ultimately judge your lifestyle by the amount of love and harmony that is in your home.
You may want to show your wife my response to your question and hopefully she will re-think and re-examine her approach to raising her son. Like her, I want sons to grow up to respect women and to be at ease being submissive males. However, I think she will find that my approach is a healthier approach. Her son needs to discover his own submissive nature in his own time and in his own way. She needs to be there to love him and to guide him and you need to be there to teach him by example.