The Psychoanalysis of the submissive male: Questions about Elise's FemDom Procedures
Q. Elise, thank you for those other procedures. Will these exercises and techniques help in getting my husband to submit more to me?
A. Absolutely. You are leading him to where he wants to go. Deep inside, there is a part of him that wants to submit to you, but he is afraid that if he admits it he will be rejected by you and society. By letting him know that this is what you desire as well, he will surrender over his life more willingly. Always keep in mind that it is a process. It doesn't happen instantly.
Q. Elise, thank you for your other procedures and exercises. Number twelve was my favorite. I am a romantic at heart and I really enjoyed being wined, dined, and served like that by my husband. For the first time I started to realize what the female domination lifestyle is all about. I must admit that I was pretty much going along with the other exercises by faith, hoping that they were leading somewhere positive. I did the first eleven at the encouragement of my husband, however I wasn't totally sure that this was the right direction for us to head in our relationship. I enjoyed all of the exercises, especially the ones that made him open up to me about his past and his feelings.
I now understand what you have been saying all of this time. For the first time, I feel liberated and superior. I know that you are leading us on a journey and I will continue to follow your advice and techniques. However, I took a few liberties and I hope that I didn't jump ahead of myself. I enjoyed exercise twelve so much, that I now require my husband to repeat it once per week. Every Friday night to be exact. I've given him some leeway so he can change things up, but the essence of it is he must be romantic and he must wine and dine me. Did I do the right thing in requesting this every week?
A. Sure, as long as you don't neglect the other psychoanalysis procedures. If every Friday is D&S romance night, then make sure that another night is D&S play night. D&S is all about romance and obviously this has touched something within you. It's amazing, with every procedure that I have developed, I receive letters from women who enjoyed a certain one so much that they want to continue to do a particular procedure or exercise over and over. Every relationship is different and what you enjoy the most, another woman will enjoy something else the most. So my advice is that if you discover something that you feel is very special, then by all means continue to do it. Just make sure that you continue with the other exercises as well. Who knows, you might discover something that you'll enjoy even more than procedure twelve.
Q. Elise, I loved the Boot Domination procedure. My submissive got so excited when he saw me in my new boots, I thought he was going to climax just from seeing me in them. The whole procedure was erotic for the both of us. Any thoughts?
A. You can make almost any exercise be a boot domination exercise just by wearing your boots during the exercise. I am glad that you and your submissive got so excited from your new boots. Boots can be very sexy, erotic, and powerful. That is why I have quite a collection of them. Sometimes it's fun to put on a pair of boots, rent a good movie, and have my submissive worship my boots while I watch the movie. That's what I consider a fun and relaxing night home. Of course after the movie, it's time to move our activities to the bedroom. After all, there are parts of my female anatomy that need to be worshipped along with my boots. If you know what I mean?
Q. Elise, in the next procedure that we are suppose to do, it involves us going out in public, with me wearing my boots and dominating my husband. I am excited about doing this as I really enjoyed our last public outing. However, you wrote one time about the importance of us not flaunting our lifestyle in the face of others who are not interested in it. Isn't an exercise like this a contradiction between these two?
A. Good question. What I said about not flaunting the female domination lifestyle to others and keeping your sex life private, was in response to a question about us coming out of the closet. I don't want to have female domination parades where we march in the streets with our men on leashes for the world to see. I don't want us to be foolish and to proclaim to our family members, friends, and co-workers what our sex lives are about. I don't want us to openly expose our lifestyle and sexuality to children who are innocent and too immature to understand. That is what I was talking about.
To go to a mall wearing leather, making our husbands walk behind us and carry our purchases, forbidding him to speak, and humiliating him in front of other adult women is not the same thing. By doing this we are sending out small, hidden signals to others about what we are and what we believe about female superiority. We are doing this for two reasons. First, it is a power rush to wear leather and dominate our husbands in public. Second, it may open the door for us to share the female domination lifestyle with other women. I don't encourage you to bring up the subject, unless asked. How will other women know that it is possible to have a well behaved and obedient husband, unless we occasionally go out in public to show him off. Now I would be totally against leading him around the mall by a dog collar and leash.
That would be infringing on other people's rights for privacy. However, we have a right to dress in leather and to proclaim and even celebrate our dominant personalities and natures in public. The world needs to be exposed to a powerful woman now and again. So as you can see, there is a big difference between flaunting ones lifestyle, and walking with the knowledge and confidence of who you are in public.
Besides, most of the dominating and power play takes place in your and your husband's minds. Most people will not notice anything that much out of the ordinary. The people who will notice the most are other submissive men as they gawk at you and your leather, and potential dominant women as they are drawn to you and how you handle your husband. These are the people that you want to notice.
Q. Elise, I really enjoyed the "Challenge" procedure. So did my submissive (at least for a little while) as he was finally allowed relief after two months of denial. Of course, he failed during the second and again during the fourth challenge, so he had to be punished. I chose the Ben-gay and the Enema punishments. I later asked him if his orgasms were worth the punishments, and he said "No", because he really hates the Ben-gay treatment. I was wondering if you knew how the majority of the women's submissive men did during the Challenge?
A. Approximately ten women or so wrote to me and told me how "The Challenge" went for them. Of those women, only two of their submissive men "won" the challenge. So if we use this as a measuring stick, then we can assume about eighty percent of the submissive men failed. My husband failed, and I really punished him for this. I chose a severe whipping and I used my new bullwhip that I received for my birthday.
Also, from the women that did inform me that their husbands had failed the challenge, it seems that most men failed one or two of the challenges. I never heard of any man that failed three or all four of them.
Now I also should tell you that of the two men that I heard about that won the challenge, one requested and received his reward through intercourse with the female on top, but the other male didn't feel he was worthy to enter his Queen, so he received his reward orgasm through another means (which I don't recall what that was). I must say that I was very impressed with this submissive and even more impressed with his Dominant, who is really training him right.
Q. Elise, I was in the process of denying my husband for a month. However, during one of our
play sessions he had an orgasm (gasp). I didn't see it coming and he claims that it was an accident. Should I punish him for this and what kind of punishment would fit the crime?
A. Denying a man for a month is not an easy thing to do, especially if you are playing with him at least once per week. I wanted to challenge you, the dominant woman, to deny your submissive male for a prolonged period of time and I wanted to challenge him to be obedient. I knew that it wouldn't be easy and an accidental orgasm is always a possibility. Nevertheless, he should still be punished. You control his orgasms, not him. A submissive male must learn to never climax without the permission of his dominant woman. Therefore, I would recommend the following punishment.
As soon as possible, call him into your bedroom and kiss on him. Get him aroused and than tie him face up on the bed. Really get him excited and take him to the brink of orgasm by rubbing your breasts on his body, playing with his nipples, and lightly stroking and touching his genitals. Once he is on the edge, ask him if he wants an orgasm. When he says yes, stand up and inform him "Absolutely Not." Tell him that because he had an accidental orgasm, you are going to extend his denial period for another two weeks. Also, inform him that if he has another accidental orgasm you are going to deny him for an additional month.
Now we are giving him the benefit of the doubt. If he ever has an orgasm without your permission on purpose, then he must be severely punished. For example, if you ever catch him masturbating or relieving himself without your permission, than you need to administer a severe punishment and you may need to purchase a chastity belt. Masturbating without your permission is a direct defiance against your authority. It must be dealt with and dealt with severely. Accidents may happen and we will deal with those, but defiant male behavior must be met with strong discipline.
Q. Elise, I really enjoyed the exercises that had us view female domination videos and act out what was on them. I was amazed at some of the action on these videos. Some scenes really got me excited, whereas other scenes I found to be a bit too much. Are these women for real on these videos and why would men desire some of these "extreme" activities?
A. It's hard for me to answer your question since I don't know what was on the videos that you viewed, nor do I know what were the activities that you considered "extreme". The first video should have dealt with corporal punishment. I hope that you got to witness a woman administering a severe whipping to a man. This might be a little shocking at first, but the point was for you to see how much a man can take, so you stop taking it so easy on your man. Most women have a tendency to take it too easy on their men. If your man views a spanking and a whipping as fun, then it will not be an effective tool in disciplining and training him. It should not be fun for him and he should be scarred when you mention that he is going to receive a spanking and a whipping. This will cause him to be more obedient. It is an act of love when a woman disciplines a man, much as it is when a parent disciplines a child. It just so happens that it takes a hard punishment for it to be effective on a man's psyche.
Now the second tape should have dealt with humiliation and domination. There could have been many different types of activities on this tape, and depending on the video, some of these activities may have been heavy-duty. There are thousands of tame and mild, some are severe and extreme, while others fall in the middle.
Some of the players on these videos are porn actors acting out a script, whereas other videos show actual lifestyle people playing and video taping their play. If you ever purchase any female domination videos in the future, I would suggest getting real players whom are a part of this lifestyle. Preferably a video that is produced by dominant women. These women will be the real thing and therefore the men will have little say as far as what they desire. It's what the woman desires that matters.
Also, just because it is on your video and you acted it out one time, doesn't mean that it has to be a part of your lifestyle. Stay open minded and always try new things. If there is an activity that you don't like, than don't do it. There are plenty of other activities that you can partake of. It's like a cafeteria. Take what you like, try what you have never tried, and leave what you don't like.
Q. Elise, I loved procedure number fourteen. It was very enlightening to analyze my husband. I enjoyed the first procedure that you posted as it got my husband to open up about his past and his feelings. Fourteen was even better because I was able to analyze his answers. For the first time in my life I really believe that we were made for each other. Thank you for that, Elise.
A. We started out with some psychoanalysis questions in procedure one. We added some more questions in some of the early procedures. This was to get him to open up to you. After thirteen procedures I felt that you were ready to analyze your submissive man. Now we are taking our lifestyle into more advanced and serious areas. I am glad to hear that your relationship is getting stronger as we go along. That is the goal with all of this. A better relationship, a happier and more intimate sex life, and of course, a female run marriage.
Q. Elise, I have carried out the psychoanalysis of the submissive male on my husband. He said he found it quite liberating and on my part I found it quite interesting to hear his confessions. The part I found difficult to carry out was the beating at the beginning. Could you explain why it was necessary? Are beatings regular occurrences in the procedures? We do have a safe word but I was surprised that he didn't use it even though he admitted he would have done so if I had carried on beating one second longer. I do feel distaste at the idea of having to carry out such physical violence in order to enforce discipline. Would it not be better to control him by other means such as forcing him to wear a chastity device for long periods, or by giving enemas and so on?
A. I am glad to hear that the psychoanalysis was a liberating and interesting experience for you and your husband. Don't look at spankings and whippings as violence but rather loving discipline. I abhor violence but I love to discipline my husband and he loves to be disciplined. I believe that it touches his inner child and he says that it transports him to a place of peace and tranquility. He doesn't enjoy the actual spankings and whippings as they do sting but he enjoys the effects they have on his psyche. It causes him to lose control and it causes him to surrender. Men have told me that physical punishment drives rebellion and stress out of their bodies. I believe them because I can sense and see the anger and frustration leaving the body when I physically discipline a man and I see the look of peace and contentment on the man's face when I am done. Plus, I feel powerful and liberated when I discipline a man.
The reason your husband found the psychoanalysis questions so liberating was because you first disciplined him. Orgasm denial and enemas can be used as discipline but these activities are more mental and sexual domination rather than physical domination. I like to dominate a man in his entirety. Physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually. My procedures contain a variety of different domination and discipline techniques and activities. They will have more whippings and spankings but they will also have enemas, orgasm denial, C/B torture, mind games, forced feminization, strap-on play, and even golden showers. You need to use these procedures to help you to lose your inhibitions. Relax and allow your dominant energy to flow out of you. All of this comes with experience.
Whipping and spanking a man is an art and a skill. You start out light and sensual and you slowly build up to harder and more severe. You don't start out too hard or it will not be erotic and powerful. The more you do it, the better you will become and the more your husband will be able to take. Again, it is not violence but loving discipline. That is why I had you hold him and hug and kiss him afterwards. Discipline and nurturing are the flip sides of the same coin of love. Men desire physical discipline and men need physical discipline.
As our society goes away from spanking children, I am finding that men are desiring to be spanked even more as adults because that important part of nurturing is missing from their upbringing. I really believe that physical punishment (done in love) is an important part of the nurturing process that boys need and men still crave it inside of their psyche. I hope this sets your mind at ease. Of course, if you can't bring yourself to do it for some reason, you could substitute other D&S activities for the spankings. My procedures are meant to be a guideline but you can change them if you feel you need to. However, for the greatest effect, I recommend that you do them as they are written. Again, allow yourself to be free and celebrate your female liberation.
Q. I have been reading Your site for some time now and find comfort in its content knowing there are sub men like myself and also sincere superior Domme ladies willing to lower themselves in wishing to take control of men.
I have 'come out' to My Wife during this past year and She has been partially responsive to the point that She allowed me to apply for your 'Other Procedures.' This was several months ago but She does not appear to have acted upon these procedures. I love and care for my Wife so very much but do feel very frustrated at Her apathy. Perhaps I am being very selfish as we do have two young children which is very difficult generally in life without trying to enter into a D/s relationship as well.
How do I encourage my Wife to enter into this wonderful lifestyle without appearing to be too pushy? Should I just enter into total submissive behavior in Her presence? I worry about this as whilst I totally believe in the superiority of Women, I don't think Women always want a total doormat. I believe this to be the thought of my Wife. I fear that She may also laugh at me...but not in a superior manner (if you know what I mean) but more in a jovial or humorous manner.
A. It is obvious that your wife was not ready for my procedures. She is open enough to this lifestyle that she requested my procedures but probably after reading some of them, she decided that she is not ready yet to dominate you to that degree. That's Ok and you need to be patient. She must grow into this lifestyle on her timetable. To drag her into it when she is not ready, will only lead to further frustration on your part. I know you want this badly and that you have been desiring this for most your life. It is understandable that you are anxious but you must realize that she has not been desiring this lifestyle for most of her life. This is all new to her and while there are some aspects that are exciting to her, she needs time to grow.
The best way to encourage her is by serving her. You need to show her the advantages of this lifestyle. Forget about the D&S at this time and show her genuine male submission. Help her with the children and the housework and whatever else she needs. Romance her and make her feel like a sexy and desirable woman. After two kids, some women do not feel as sexy as they once did. It is up to you to let her know that in your eyes, she is the most beautiful woman in the world and that you want to serve her. This is how you can encourage her.
Servitude is not being a doormat. You don't have to grovel before her in order to be a submissive husband. She will not laugh if you are sincere in your servitude. She will be blessed if you help her with her responsibilities and if you romance her out of a loving and humble heart. Show her the benefits to a Female Domination relationship and someday she may surprise you and break out those procedures and they will begin to make sense to her. Right now, to her they are merely about you getting your fantasies fulfilled. But if you draw out her dominance with actual and practical servitude, she may read those procedures with a different attitude and she will begin to see that they are designed to fulfill her needs and her fantasies.
Q. Hi Elise, I recently purchased your procedures and they are definitely loaded with ideas and D&S techniques. I was a bit surprised that they started right into some heavy duty D&S (like strap-on play and corporal discipline). I was hoping that I could ease into this lifestyle. From reading through these procedures, I noticed that some of the later ones are tamer than the early ones. I liked procedures 12 and 21 especially. Am I unique or do other women share my observations?
A. You are not unique in your observations but it seems to be a minority opinion. I think it depends on where the woman is at in this lifestyle. My procedures are not meant for a total novice. The pre-requisite to these procedures is that you have already performed the "Psychoanalysis" that is posted on my site. From that, you should have a pretty good idea about what your husband desires as a submissive. While I recommend getting all the procedures so a couple can experiment with different D&S activities in order to expand their horizons, many couples only order those procedures that fit their current interests.
The best way to get in the water is to jump in and not to slowly ease your way into the cold water. My procedures are designed toward the psychological more than the physical. If a woman has made the decision to embrace this lifestyle, she might as well begin to experiment with discipline and strap-on sex. I point out in procedure number two that a woman may want to substitute the strap-on dildo with a hand held slender butt plug if she and her submissive are new to this activity. Again, we are looking for the psychological effects more than the physical activity. These procedures are meant to be flexible and can be adjusted by the dominant female to fit within her unique personality.
In procedure three, I put in an exercise that calls for a golden shower but I also list an alternative activity if the woman does not feel comfortable. I want to challenge the female to overcome her inhibitions, let her hair down and unleash her dominant energy. The best way is to jump into the FemDom pool of water. At least try an activity once. If you don't enjoy it or if it does not touch your man's submissive nature, then you can discard that activity.
Each couple is different, so it is my hope that in the course of performing these twenty-two procedures, a couple will discover a few activities that excites them and helps to successfully launch their relationship into a FemDom lifestyle, both inside and outside of the bedroom. The key is communication as you go through these procedures. They are not a step-by-step manual but rather a guideline to get both partners out of their comfort zones and out of their traditional roles. At the very least, they should help to add spice and fun to the bedroom and the sex will build intimacy. So relax, have fun and enjoy. There is no right or wrong here. Your attitude will be more important than your skill level. The skill will come over time, with practice.
Q. I have a couple of comments and a question. I have followed the advice given on your site and I have gotten the desired results with my husband. Orgasm denial worked miracles in making him more romantic and more attentive to my needs. Your procedures greatly assisted me in coming up with ideas for our playtime in the bedroom. I can honestly say that our marriage is better and I am happier now that we have a female dominant relationship. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for these positive changes.
My question is about maintaining this momentum. We both have very hectic schedules between work and our families. We both work fulltime, we both have children from previous marriages, and I have a sick mother that I have to care for. Neither the children nor my mother lives with us, but we are always on the run attending soccer games, running errands with the kids, taking mom to the doctor, and etc.
It seems when I am in the mood to play, my husband is exhausted and just wants to veg before retiring to bed. When he is in the mood to be dominated, I seem to be too tired. We watch too much television at night because we are tired from our busy day. I suggest that we should "play" but neither of us takes the initiative. This has been happening a lot lately and I am afraid that all the progress we've made will fade away. In fact, lately I have noticed that my husband is beginning to revert back to his lazy and complacent ways of old. Any advice would be appreciated.
A. Most people are busy in today's society. Much of that is our fault because we do not have to be as busy as we are. We think we do but you would be surprised how proper time management and a re-evaluation of our priorities can free up some precious time. A friend once told me something that forever changed how I view time. She said that she had calculated that if a woman lives to be 80 years old, that means that at the age of forty (which was the age we both were at the time of this conversation), she has only 2000 weeks left on this Earth. Figuring that you will sleep 1/3 of that time away and you will be working another 1/3 in your career until you can retire, that leaves very little time to enjoy life.
When you view life as being a finite number of hours, that gives you a sense of urgency to prioritize your time and that also makes you appreciate every moment. While there is nothing wrong with watching television as you veg after a hard day at work, when you have a revelation that you will never get those precious hours back, that brings a whole new perspective. Watching television, playing computer games, and other such activities that occupy our limited free time are very low on my priority list. At the top of my list is my time with my husband.
We are very much like you and your husband. We both have busy careers, aging parents, and pets to attend to. I have also been writing a book (which is almost completed), running a website, teaching a class and have maintained my participation in church as well as a civic group and a FemDom group. Then there is the housework, the yard work, the grocery shopping, taking the animals to the vet, taking parents to the doctors, paying bills, and all of life's responsibilities. Yet, each week I make sure to block out one or two nights for playtime with my husband. I give that a top priority because the rest of the week will flow out of those sessions.
Because of my playtime with my husband, he is now motivated to do most of the housework, all of the yard work and run the domestic errands (which I demand from him). That frees my time to write, read, research, attend to the needs of my clients and attend social functions. Then there is our downtime when we both need to relax. My husband loves sports and would watch sports all of the time if I would permit. Instead, watching sports is a reward and only if it coincides during a time when I am not home and only if his chores are completed. When I am home, he will tend to my needs and he will spend time with me.
We will watch television or rent a movie on occasion but I like to make every hour count. I find that taking the dogs to a park or to the beach and watching the sunset can be more relaxing than watching television. Plus, we can talk and communicate with each other when we are not watching television. Taking a car drive in the country, away from the traffic of the city, can be relaxing and a great way to relieve stress. Going for a walk along a river or around a lake, taking in the sights of God's creation can be much more relaxing and peaceful than vegging in front of the television. Life is short so we all need to re-adjust our priorities and make each day count.
Children and parents should be top priorities after your spouse but your spouse should come first. If you block off a couple of hours each week to attend your child's soccer game and if you block off an hour to take your mom to the doctor, then why not block off an hour or two to dominate your husband? Get yourself a calendar book and block out those "must do" events each week and put your playtime with your husband at the top of the list. Let him know that Friday night is going to be your time to dominate him and his time to sexually pleasure you, and that is not negotiable. He will know what is scheduled ahead of time so it is his responsibility to be prepared.
It is so much easier to "play" when you have a regular time than it is to wing it. Now, sometimes romance happens when you least expect it and sometimes the desire to dominate your husband will come over you out of the blue. When this happened and if he is available, seize the moment because such spontaneous play usually leads to the most intense sessions. If he is watching television and you have this urge to dominate him, go and dress in a bitchy outfit, walk into the room, turn off the television and order him to his knees. Trust me, unless he is sick and next to dying, he will find his second wind.
The spontaneous playtime can be the best but most of the time, playtime needs to be scheduled because of all the demands that life places on us. If Friday night is playtime, and if you are tired, I have found that the ritual of getting dressed in a fetish outfit will begin to get me in the mood. I might have to push myself a little to get dressed but once I get moving, the rest all falls into place. It is the same if I have a social function to attend. I might not feel like going but I push myself to get dressed and I drive myself there and once there, I usually have a good time. Same goes with my FemDom sessions with my husband. I have to push myself sometimes to get motivated but once we begin, I usually have a blast.
The FemDom session can be productive as well as fun. During the playtime, you can assign your husband his chores for the upcoming week, which might include taking your mother to her doctor appointment because you have to go to your child's soccer game. It all boils down to time-management. There are only so many hours in a week and you can either be organized or you can run around at the last minute trying to squeeze in all of these events. The Female Domination lifestyle is a wonderful time management tool and that is why it needs to be given a top priority. Dominate your hubby in the bedroom and make room for sex and intimacy during the playtime and that will motivate him to focus on your needs during the week ahead. Never forget that he is there to make your life better.
If you allow a man to make his own schedule, he will not be productive with his time. But if you assign him chores and responsibilities and discipline him on a consistent and regular basis, you will be able to free up more of your time (and his time) which should allow for enough time to take those walks and to enjoy life to its fullest. Time is a gift, so it is up to us not to squander it by watching too much television. Why watch other people enjoying life when you can be out there enjoying life?