Adult Playtime: Questions about Specific FemDom Activities

Q. Elise, I have a question about safe words. Are they really a must? I get into some really intense play with my husband and I like to take him to new levels and new heights of submission. It always seems that just when we are entering into a new realm of play or a place that is very intense, he uses his safe word. This frustrates me because I want to go further. I am not always convinced that he is enduring as much as he can. He has gone as far as he wants to go during a scene but it is not as far as I want to go.

It seems to me that by allowing him a safe word, I am allowing him to control the play. I want to always control the play and I want to take him further than he thinks that he can go. I would never injure him or harm him. I feel that I should be able to use my judgement on what is too far and not rely on him to signal me through a safe word. Your thoughts on this please.

A. I understand your thinking on this one and I agree with you to a point. A safe word is an absolute must during the beginning of a D&S relationship. You are still feeling each other out and you are discovering his levels of submission as well as his threshold for pain. You are discovering what he responds to and what he doesn't. During this beginning period and this exploration period, a safe word is a must because it allows him to signal to you when he thinks he has reached his limits of play.

However, after you have played together for an extensive period of time and especially if you are in a long term relationship and you feel that you understand your submissive and his limits, you could eliminate the safe word and instead rely on your instincts and judgement. A lot of women agree with your assessment that a safe word allows the submissive too much control. Therefore they do not allow him one. Again, I would only recommend eliminating the safe word after you have been playing together for a long time and only if you feel the safe word is holding your play back from newer levels of intensity and fulfillment.

My procedures are primarily for beginners or mid level players. Therefore, I encourage the use of safe words. For some Doms, I would suggest that they always allow their man the use of safe words. When in a very intense play session, a Dom might be overcome with power and energy and she might lose sight or thought for her submissive and the state that he is in. She may continue a punishment, a torture, or a control method longer than her submissive is able to handle. If she is not careful, she might harm or injure him. The safe word prevents this from happening.

Each Dom must decide for herself. You know your personality and your instincts better than anyone else does. You will have to make the safe word decision based on your relationship with your submissive, your own personality, and your level of experience in this lifestyle. If you have any doubts about these then I would like to encourage you to continue the use of safe words.

Q. Elise, What exactly is "Queening"? I've seen this term on some Female Domination web sites.

A. Queening is basically where the dominant female sits her ass on the face of a submissive male and has him orally service her ass. This is a very erotic and pleasurable experience for the woman, and a very humiliating and submissive act for the male.

Most submissive men are extremely turned on by the female ass, its shape, appearance and softness. To a submissive man, the female ass also represents power to him. Not only does the submissive man crave to kiss and orally worship the feminine bottom but he also desires to be crushed by it. He desires to be held captive and helpless through the act of face sitting so that he is conquered and at the mercy of his female captor.

Queening can be done with a device known as a Queening Stool. This is a short stool or a box with a large padded hole in the middle and an opening in the bottom for the male's face to slide in. The dominant sits on the seat of the stool (or box) and the submissive male's face is tight against the other side of the seat, and he adores and services his Queen's ass. Thus the terms Queening and Queening Stool.

The Queening stool adds an element of bondage to this activity but you don't need a Queening stool to engage in it. Sitting on a man's face can be just as effective. Just make sure that you afford him the proper amount of air that he needs to breathe. Few Female Domination activities will transport a man into the deep and submissive state known as subspace as fast as Queening.

Q. Elise, you have mentioned a number of times how you like to allow your husband orgasms in ways that are humiliating for him, but entertaining for you. Can you give me any examples?

A. I listed some of the ways that I do this in past psychoanalysis procedures, but here is a list of some of the ways that I have allowed my husband an orgasm for my entertainment.

Force him to play with himself and to masturbate in front of you.

Force him to play with himself and to masturbate in front of another dominant woman.

Have him hump the bed while you whip him.

Have him have an orgasm across your lap while you spank him.

Give him an enema and make him hold it in while you play with his nipples and stroke his penis, then command him to climax with the warm enema water still inside of him.

Press the sole of your boot or shoe against his penis, press lightly, and command him to climax.

Do a procedure that is known as milking the penis. This is where you grip his balls with one hand and the head of his penis between your forefinger, index finger, and thumb with your other hand. Then pump his balls and the head of his penis like you would milk a cow. This causes a slow, burning orgasm that is not pleasurable for the man.

Tie him up and get him very aroused. Keep bringing him to the edge of climax, then back away. Finally, get an eye-dropper and fill it with very warm water and drip it on his penis until he climaxes.

Have him masturbate with one of your vibrators or dildos as you watch.

Make him climax against the bed at the exact same time that he brings you to orgasm through orally servicing you.

Tie his genitals up real tight with rope or one of your stockings, tease him by lightly touching his genitals and playing with his nipples, then commanding him to climax for you.

Whip his penis with a penis whip or slap it with a ruler and order him to climax as you do this real fast.

Order him to masturbate while you give him a golden shower.

Lay your breasts on top of his penis and tightly trap it there. Then order him to climax while he screams out how superior women are to men.

Order him to climax while you are fucking him with your strap-on dildo.

Place a large butt plug in his ass and make him bounce up and down on the bed while you play with his nipples and press your knee against his penis, then order him to climax.

Make him hump your boots then make him lick them clean.

Finger fuck him or hand hold a dildo and fuck him, and have him climax in a glass, then make him drink his own cum.

Call him on the telephone and have him fuck himself with a dildo, or paddle himself, or both and then order him to climax on your command.

Sit your leather-clad ass on his penis and order him to climax, then make him lick your leather skirt, pants, or shorts clean.

Sit your bare ass on his penis and order him to climax, then make him lick your ass and asshole clean.

Are these enough ideas for you? Of course, you can always invent your own.

Q. Hi Elise, I am writing you to ask your opinion of this great teasing and denial idea I have created. I call it the mirror trick. First, I should tell you I control my husband's orgasms. He is in a chastity device almost 24/7, which includes a shocking cock ring. When I am in a teasing mood, I have him strip naked. I then lock a chain on his cock ring and run it between his ass cheeks and connect it to a hook in the ceiling. I remove the chastity device with the exception of the cock ring. I then place a mirror on the floor, under his now hard cock. I draw a circle on the mirror about the size of an apple.

My instructions: I am going out for a few hours. When I return that circle had better be completely full of your pre-cum. BUT DO NOT CUM.

This little ritual is the most frustrating method. In order to fulfill my request, he must keep his cock dripping, yet he cannot cum. He must stay hard and dripping, to fill the circle I have drawn on the mirror. To accomplish the task he must keep himself close enough to orgasm so his cock will drip the pre-cum, yet he dare not have an orgasm or else he would be discovered and severely punished on my return. If he did cum he would not be able to clean it up due to his cock being chained to the ceiling and thus I would find out.

I wanted to share my idea with your female readers. Your site has been very educational and I thank you. I have learned a lot and my husband has suffered a lot (but he loves it).

A. That is a clever way to engage in a teasing and denial session with your hubby without much effort on your part. Thank you for sharing that with us.

So how successful is he in obeying your instructions? Has he ever failed and if so, what was his punishment? Let me see how I could use your idea.

I could go shopping with some girlfriends and leave my hubby chained like that the entire time I was gone. He would have to fill the circle with a healthy puddle of pre-cum without an orgasm, less he be punished. If he disobeyed and had an accident, he would have to lick the mirror clean, receive a harsh caning and go twice as long in his chastity device before I freed him the next time.

If he was successful, I couldn't reward him with an orgasm or it would defeat the whole purpose of this exercise. I would not make him lick the mirror clean but instead he would get to lick me from head to toe as his reward. But first, I would have to do something to prevent him for having an accident. After hours of being on the edge, he will be in a vulnerable position. I would have to make him take a cold shower (while I supervise him) and after his erection went limp from the cold water, I would re-install his chastity device. Now he would be able to orally pleasure me as his reward without having an accident.

Thanks again for sharing your teasing and denial technique. I love it when women are creative and are willing to share their creativity with the rest of us. I encourage other women to do the same.

Q. Elise, what are your thoughts about Piercing, Tattooing, or the Branding of a male submissive?

A. It is totally up to the individuals involved. I know dominant women who have had their submissive tattooed with her first name. She usually has her name placed on the submissive male's penis or ass. Some like to add the phrase "The property of (first name)".

I don't have a problem with this as long as the tattoo is placed somewhere private. This is a private and intimate thing between a Dom and her submissive.

As far as piercing goes, some dominant women like to have her submissive pierced in the head of his penis. They like to have an "O" ring placed there. This allows the Dom the ability to put her submissive in bondage by being able to lock his penis to anything that she chooses simple by fastening his O ring to the chosen item. She can even attach a leash to the ring and lead him around by it. Some Doms like to also pierce the male's ball sac with another ring. This enables her the flexibility to place him in bondage by either ring or she can even fasten the two rings together and make a permanent chastity device. This can be very uncomfortable for the submissive as it makes it near impossible for him to obtain an erection without pain. There is also the Prince Albert Piercing that can be used in conjunction with a chastity device to enforce orgasm denial and male chastity.

Still other Doms require that her submissive male have his tongue pierced so he can provide additional pleasure to her when he is orally pleasing her. I am a little squeamish when it comes to too much piercing. I can see the advantages of having the male's penis pierced or even his ball sac. However, the tongue is not in a private enough area.

So to answer your question, I would be against branding the male because it can be very painful and could get infected. I would suggest that you go with the Tattoo in a private area like on his ass. There are devices out there that you can purchase that you can use to place your male's penis in bondage without having to have him pierced. However, if having your submissive pierced would enhance your feeling of control and pleasure, then go for it. Just use judgement and remember that some of these things are painful and are not easily reversed.

Is my husband tattooed with my name or is he pierced in his penis? I'll never tell, as this is a personal and private matter between a Dominant and her submissive.

Q. Greetings Ms. Sutton, My Wife/Mistress and I are talking about getting tattoos -- our first.
She wants a butterfly to symbolize her metamorphosis while I want something that symbolizes my commitment and submission to her.  I perused your website but didn't find an area where this topic was addressed.

In our Internet searches, we haven't really found a good resource on this yet so we thought we'd turn to you, Ms. Sutton. The first issue is location. We want this to be discrete so we're thinking in the pubic area, groin, or on a butt cheek. Do you know of any traditions in the FemDom community with respect to placement? Apparently the ancient Greeks use to tattoo their slaves either on the top of the head, under the hair, or on the bottom of the foot. I think being closer to the male anatomy is more appropriate giving the FemDom context.  Do you have any thoughts on this?

The second question is what tattoo design? We thought about something like "Property of..." or
"(Wife's name) slave" or even the Japanese or Chinese symbols for slave or submissive.  A few people have suggested the Wife's/Mistress' initials above the pubic line or on the right butt cheek but that seems a bit vague and too generic.  We just don't know which way to take this and are hoping that, in your vast expertise in the area of male submission, that you might have come across some trends or consensus. 

Anything that you can share would be appreciated and if there is no general consensus discernable in the community, perhaps this letter might help seed the discussion.

A. You are correct, there is no consensus and I am not sure there needs to be. A tattoo is a body decoration that signifies something to the receiver of the tattoo. Within FemDom, it is personal matter and a personal symbol between the Dominant Female and her male submissive. What might have meaning to one couple might not mean the same to another couple. So you and your Mistress must decide upon a body decoration for her that expresses her independence and dominant nature and a symbol for you that represents her ownership of you. Her tattoo is a celebration of being a Dominant Female. Your tattoo is a mark showing her ownership and control over you.

I can tell you about some of the tattoos I have seen on people I know in this lifestyle. For the women, the most common placement seems to be on the buttocks. Another popular placement is on the top of one of her breasts or just about her breast. I also have seen some tattoos on the female back and on the ankle. The best ones seem to be the smaller ones. A large tattoo does not look as classy or sexy as the smaller tattoo, but that is just my opinion.

Some of the designs I have seen on women to express their FemDom interests are F/D, FemDom, Bitch, Goddess, Mistress, Queen, Dominatrix, a stiletto boot, a bullwhip, a picture of a Dominatrix, a she-devil, and the female sex symbol.

For the men, the most common placements are the buttocks, on the shaven pubic hair area, the chest near the nipples, and even on the genitals themselves. The most common phrase or design is "Property of (Wife's name)". Other ones I have seen are "Slave (man's first name)", Submissive, the Female sex symbol, F/D, Slut, Sissy, Cuckold, and "(Wife's name) Slave".

Q. Dear Ms Sutton, Thank you for having such an informative site. My Mistress/girlfriend
and I have learned so much about the Fem Dom lifestyle during the past year. I have really come to appreciate worshipping her orally and ingesting her golden champagne. You have enhanced our relationship tremendously.

She has asked me to ask 2 questions on her behalf:

1) Do many Mistresses insist on their slaves wearing a tongue stud to help oral pleasure for her?

2) Do many Mistresses insist on oral worship during her period when she is extra horny?

Thank you for any answer. Obviously it might impact on my future duties.

A. I don't know what you mean by the term "many" but some women have insisted that their submissive man have his tongue pierced for the extra stimulation during oral servitude. I would say that the majority of women do not as most women enjoy the smooth, natural surface of a man's tongue over the feeling of a pierced tongue. It comes down to an individual woman's preference. I am not an expert on piercing but I would imagine that having the tongue pieced is painful. I would also imagine that it would heal if the woman changed her mind and wanted her man to remove the piercing so she could go back to enjoying a non-pierced tongue.

My husband does not have his tongue pierced and I have no desire for him to get it pierced. But that is me. If your girlfriend wants you to do this for her, than that is a decision the two of you must make. It sounds to me like it is your girlfriend's call since you are in submission to her. My only word of caution would be that you suspend the oral golden showers after you get your tongue pierced until after it has totally healed.

Your second question is again a decision for the two of you to make. Most women restrict a man to her clitoris only for oral servitude while she is on her period. A woman can still enjoy great pleasure this way without having her vagina penetrated by a tongue, penis or toy. A woman can have a tampon in place and still enjoy pleasure through the stimulation of her clitoris. Again, not all women are the same so the two of you will have to work out the details on this yourself.

Q. Dear Ms Sutton, I have been hearing more and more about Women who enjoy stretching their slave's genitals.  This apparently involves hanging weights to his balls for long periods of time, and on a regular basis.  Over time this results in a form of body modification in that the male sac hangs very low (permanently).  I can't imaging why this would be attractive to Women, but it seems to be catching on.

Have you heard of this practice?  If so, does it seem to be getting popular?

A. Perhaps you have been hearing more about Ball stretching but I can assure you that this practice has been around for a long time. When you hear of the term "C/B Torture" this refers to Cock and Ball Torture and Ball stretching is included in this.

There are two purposes for Ball stretching. First, it is simply a D&S activity to make a scene more intense. Placing a parachute harness on a male's ball sac and adding light weights to it causes pressure to the testicles and this sensation can bring a combination of pleasure and pain to the submissive male. Most men seem to enjoy this sensation. Some women might command that the submissive male swing the weights from side to side by swinging his hips. This causes more pressure on his balls and makes the sensation more intense. A woman playing with a man's nipples and lightly touching his penis while he is having his balls stretched can actually induce a very intense orgasm.

A woman does not have to use weights to engage in ball stretching. A rope tied around the ball sac with the other end being pulled on by the dominant female can cause the same sensation. As with any other D&S activity, safety must be at the forefront and allowing for a safe word is important. The testicles are pretty resourceful and can endure more than one would imagine. However, there is a limit and too much weight or too much force can cause injury. So I would advise that the dominant female start out light if she wants to engage in ball stretching with her submissive during D&S play.

The other reason for ball stretching is for body modification. The main purpose of this is so the male's ball sac will hang lower, which will allow him to wear some chastity devices with more comfort, like the CB2000. In these cases, ball stretching is done on a regular basis and for longer lengths of time. There are C&B bondage devices called "Ball stretchers" that a woman can use on her man if she wants to stretch his ball sac. A Ball stretcher can be used for just play or it can be worn for longer periods of time if the desired goal is for body modification.

Perhaps you are hearing more about this practice due to an increasing number of women who are requiring that their men wear chastity devices. The CB2000 is a popular device as it is affordable and allows the male to shower and urinate with it in place. Some men complain that the CB2000 pinches and squeezes their balls, thus it is uncomfortable. When this occurs, the dominant wife might decide that the best solution is to stretch the man's ball sac so he can wear the chastity device for long periods of time.

Q. What is your opinion on Electrical Play? My friend keeps her husband in line by shocking him when he disobeys her or displeases her. She makes him wear an electrical cock ring that she can send shock waves to using a remote control that she keeps in her possession. She can set the remote control to send out different levels of electrical shock, from light pleasurable pulses to severe jolting pulses. If her husband is not behaving like she demands, she zaps him. She even zaps him for her entertainment, as I have been out with them and she reaches in her purse and gives her husband an unexpected jolt. He jumps and she smiles sadistically and giggles about her control over him. The poor man is on pins and needles, as he dare not displease her in fear of getting a severe jolt.

My friend keeps encouraging me to get a similar device for my husband. She says that it will assure his total obedience at all times. While the thought does excite me, I must confess that I have my reservations. I want an obedient husband but I am afraid this sort of shock therapy will have an adverse affect on him emotionally. What are your thoughts?

A. Electrical Play and permanent shock treatment are two different things. Electricity play can be a valuable training tool as well as a lot of fun during a D&S scene. The key phrases here are "play" and "scene". A D&S scene can be a two hour session or it can be a week long session. Regardless of the length of time, it is still a session. Electricity play can be done in the privacy of the home or it can be done in a public setting to add to the thrill of the session as well as the effectiveness of the male's training.

A number of devices can be used for Electricity Play. The Violet Wand is a hand held device that shoots out small purple lightning streaks that give off a slight shock but more of a stimulating sensation. There are different types of Electro Stimulators as these come in many forms, sizes, and severity levels. Some of these can be controlled by remote. There are Electric cock rings. Some are self-contained units where as others can be controlled by remote. Like your friend, I prefer the Electro stimulators that can be controlled by remote. These devices are not cheap but they do provide for the most fun and the best effect.

As with any D&S activity, Electricity Play needs to start out slow and be built up to more severe. It would be very cruel and unproductive to give a novice to this sort of activity severe jolts right from the start. The submissive must enjoy an aspect of this sort of play in order for it to be effective. He must either be a masochist who enjoys being shocked or he must enjoy the mind games that his Mistress plays on him. He may hate the shocks but he may indeed get excited at the knowledge that his Mistress has this kind of power and control over him. Likewise, the Dominant Female may indeed get a power rush knowing that she can make her submissive suffer for her, anytime and anywhere. Again, the mind games and psychological aspects of this sort of play are more powerful than the actual physical pain from the shocks.

Electricity Play can be both pleasurable and painful for the submissive male. That is the beauty of it. He does not know what is coming next, a pleasurable massaging stroke of electricity or a severe jolt. A Mistress may tie her helpless victim up, and place an electricity device on his genitals. Then she can start out by stroking his genitals with pleasurable sensations of electricity. It can be quite a rush for both the Dom and the submissive as the Dom begins to masturbate her victim, without ever touching him. She can give her helpless victim a seductive and sexy stare as she stokes him by using her remote control. Electric pulses applied to the penis can contract the muscles and stimulate the nerve endings in a way that feels as if someone was stroking it with their hand. Then right when the submissive male is about to orgasm, the Dominant Female can turn off the power and cause much frustration to the male. This sort of Electricity Play is great for Teasing and Denial Play.

The controlling Woman can even give her victim a moderate jolt of pain in between pleasurable ones. This will really frustrate the male and play with his mind. A skilled Dom in this area will rotate between pleasure, no sensation, and painful jolts. Her male victim will have no idea what is coming next. The psychological torture of this sort of session can be very effective in training a male, as well as being a lot of fun for the Dominant Female. There are now voice activated devices where the Dom can shock her victim by merely talking loudly, coughing, or laughing. This adds an entirely new dimension of Psychological torment.

Electricity Play can be taken out of the bedroom for a domestic servitude session. A man can be feminized with an electrical cock ring fitted around his penis. The Mistress can relax as she watches her servant go about his chores. If she does not like his enthusiasm or his effort in a certain assigned task, she can give him a jolt to remind him that she is watching over his work. She can use this device to train him as he does his chores and she can use this device to reward or punish him as she evaluates his work when he is done.

Electricity Play can be taken into public for a session. A night out on the town for dinner, a show, or dancing may be more fun for the Dominant Female if she has her submissive date wearing an electrical ring around his genitals. A shock during dinner, the show, or when dancing will remind the male who controls him. It can be used as a great training device if the Dominant Woman is training her man how to behave around others or when out in public. If the male is not behaving himself or not tending to his Mistress's needs, she can bring him in line with a moderate to sever jolt from the remote control. As you stated in your question, this will keep the man on pins and needles, as he knows he had better be on his best behavior.

I have no problem with any of these scenarios in the training of a submissive male. There are different types of devices that a woman can purchase to use in Electricity Play. Most of these devices are not cheap but they can be a lot of fun and a valuable tool.

Now what I just described should be only used for D&S playtime and training sessions. I do not advocate having a man wear such a device all of the time and having the Dominant woman shocking him everyday. As with any intense D&S activity, the submissive male needs his downtime. Electricity Play is only one tool at the disposal of a Mistress. To constantly be shocking a man every time he makes a mistake or disobeys a command would be overly cruel and counterproductive. It is Ok to have a man on pins and needles during a training session or during a scene but it would be emotionally negative to have him on pins and needles all of the time. A man's servitude needs to be as an act of worship and willful surrender, not out of fear. Electricity Play can be a tool to get a man to surrender more of his will but it is only a tool and an exercise. It should not be a lifestyle.

It is no different than any D&S activity. The D&S activity is a tool to get the man to submit more to the woman and to increase the woman's control and authority over the man. D&S is used to drive the man into deeper submission to the woman. These tools, toys and activities are a means to a goal, and that goal is male submission to the Female. It is Ok to experiment with different activities and to try different methods to reach the goals you set in this lifestyle. However, it is also important that the Dom keep her submissive male's well being and fulfillment in mind. That is why all D&S activities and all play sessions must be Safe, Sane and Consensual. The Dominant Female has the right to make her submissive try and endure new things but there also must be plenty of openness and discussions about what an activity fulfills within both partners. Like I said, the male must enjoy an activity in some manner (be it physically, sexually, or mentally) in order for that activity to achieve its goal of driving the male into deeper willing submission.
Electricity Play is not for every couple but it is another tool at the disposal of the Dominant Female as she goes about training her submissive. As with any D&S activity, start out slow and use caution until you become comfortable and skilled. Most electricity play is safe as long as you use quality and recommended devices for D&S play. If you purchase such a device, be sure to have the vendor explain the proper way to use the device. Have a demonstration done on your fingers or hand so you can see how to use the device and feel the different sensations before purchasing the device.

Q. You mentioned in one of your posts that it is common for a Domme to shave her slaves genitals. What is the reason for this? We are a bit new to this and we didnt realize that this was a common practice until after I had already shaved him. Then I read on your site that it was common.

A. There are a number of reasons for shaving a man's genitals and pubic hair. For one thing, it makes a man vulnerable. It gives him a boyish look and feel and that gives the Dominant woman a great advantage as she utilizes humiliation in his training. She can tease him about not being a real man therefore he must look like and be treated like a little boy with a little boy's wee wee. It is very powerful in the humiliation of a man when his genitals are shaved and smooth. This has a real psychological effect on a man.

Another advantage of keeping your man shaved is it allows ease of access to his genitals for C/B torture or the use of a chastity device. Pubic hair gets in the way and can get trapped and pulled in a cock ring or a chastity device, thus causing non-erotic pain to the submissive male. A nice and smooth penis and balls makes C/B play so much more inviting as well as erotic. If he wears a chastity device, keeping him shaved makes for good hygiene as well.

Finally, it sends a signal and makes a social statement when a man is shaved. Most Dominant women keep their man shaved as a constant reminder to him and to other Dominant women who might view him, that he is indeed ruled and owned by his Dominant Wife or Dominant Mistress.

Q. Elise, my husband and I enjoy Water Sports (Enemas and Golden Showers). He had a very intense experience with his Aunt when he was a boy that involved an enema. I want him to write to you to share that with you in order to get your thoughts. Thanks to your psychoanalysis, he was able to share his desire for water sports and I enjoy dominating and controlling him through enemas and golden showers. I was wondering what your professional opinion was on Water Sports?

A. Water Sports are fun because the sensation of warm water on the skin or filling the body via an enema, is erotic and sensual. That is the big appeal of golden showers. Besides the obvious dominant implications, urine leaving a woman's body is wet, warm and sensual as it makes contact with the male's body. Water Sports are perfect for Female Domination because it combines domination and humiliation with sensuality. The pleasure to a submissive male is both physical and mental. The warm water is pleasurable to the body and the domination and humiliation of being pissed on or receiving an enema is pleasurable to the submissive mind.

I posted his Enema experience in my Real Stories section. As I told him, he needs to be thankful that he has such a lovely wife who enjoys exploring his fetish with him within the loving and safe confines of his marriage. His fetish is his weakness and you will use his weakness to gain more power and control over him. The Dominant Woman enjoys Water Sports because it gives her a feeling of control and power over her submissive man. Giving a man a golden shower is quite a power rush to most dominant women. The same goes for enemas, especially when you make him hold the water in and beg for your permission to relieve himself.

Q. Thank you very much for reading my humble question. What I'd like to ask You is whether the slave should give himself an enema or two prior to strap-on play without his Mistress's notice?

As a submissive male, I do not want to soil my Mistress's strap-on during the play. So I think cleaning myself whenever I anticipate Mistress's strap-on play would be very polite manner for Her and proper etiquette for me. However, I also think that cleansing my rectum without Mistress's permission might be a violation of Her authority. Moreover, in my case, an enema is one of my biggest fetishes and thus giving myself an enema makes me feel guilty.

I'm asking this question because here in Japan, we think strap-on play and enemas are an unbreakable pair, but I have hardly read any articles about them as a pair on westerner's websites. Thank You again for reading my humble question.

A. Proper hygiene should always be maintained by a submissive. He need not have to seek the permission of his Mistress to do that which she expects out of him. A submissive male should always make sure he is clean and well groomed, especially if he is going to be played with by his Mistress. It is a good idea for enema's to be a regular part of a man's grooming process, especially if his Mistress likes to engage in regular strap-on play with him.

Having said that, your situation is a little different. Since Enema's are a fetish of yours, then you need to discuss this with her. She may not want you to give yourself an enema but she may want you to crave them so she can use them as a means to dominate you and to train you. She may forbid you to give them to yourself because you enjoy them too much. To a man who has a strong enema fetish, an enema can be as pleasurable as masturbation, and even more so. Therefore, she may forbid you to pleasure yourself in this manner and she may demand that you only receive an enema that she administers.

I suspect this will be the case in your situation and I suspect that you know this and thus you are using the good hygiene argument as an excuse to give yourself a pleasurable enema. You need to go to your Mistress and ask her directly and then you need to obey her wishes. After all, she is your Mistress.

Q. Ms Sutton, I really love your site, especially the True Life Female Domination stories. A recent entry was a story by Jeremy about how he became obsessed with finding a sadistic woman. That was a fascinating story and I thought your response was right on, especially your warning about the dangers of brown showers.

I use to work in the Emergency room of a hospital in the San Francisco area. San Francisco is known for their free sexuality but with this freedom, there sometimes comes foolishness. I saw some wild things there, to put in mildly. Sometimes D&S scenes would go wrong and the submissive ended up in the Emergency room. Most of the time these things were very treatable but two activities that seemed to cause some serious conditions, including death, were the ingesting of brown showers and breath play that ended up in suffocation.

The breath play was usually immediate and the patient had to be rushed to the emergency room. The ingesting of brown showers usually came days later as the submissive became ill with the E-Coli virus or Hepatitis. There were a few cases where the submissive became immediately ill and was treated by having his stomach pumped. The viruses were not so easily treated and some would eventually be fatal.

Education within the D&S community has helped to inform people about the risks involved with breath play and the ingesting of brown showers. Still, many people engage in these risky activities. As a matter of fact, I am a submissive male and I get extremely excited about the thought of being used as a woman's toilet. Even with all that I know, I still have this fantasy. You mentioned about a woman that you know that is on a strict diet and who uses her husband as her toilet and he has had no health problems.

My questions to you are, would it be possible for you to post her diet so to benefit those that engage in this risky behavior? Also, why do submissive men, like myself, have a desire to be a woman's toilet? Finally, what are your thoughts on breath play?

A. I will answer your questions in the order you asked them. First, it would be irresponsible for me to post my friend's diet. That would be like telling others that the ingesting of a woman's waste is a safe activity as long as she is on a strict and bland diet. It works for them but I still think that they are playing Russian roulette. They have been doing this risky activity for years and he has never gotten ill, so they say. She loves to use her husband as her human toilet as she even orgasms when she is relieving herself directly into his mouth. His eats all that she produces and then goes on to clean her out. It is during this cleaning out, or rimming after the bowel movement, that she experiences intense orgasms. Both of them are very healthy and fit individuals. Her diet is very bland and very strict in order for them to engage in this activity. Not many women would be willing to stay on such a disciplined and boring diet and even if they would, there is no guarantee that the male still might not get ill eventually.

Here is a sound guideline when it comes to golden and brown showers. It is best to keep these activities confined to the male's chest, stomach, and genitals and that is if he has no open wounds on these areas of his body. Golden showers do come out sterile and it is considered safe for a woman to urinate directly into a man's mouth and for him to swallow it. However, I wouldn't recommend doing this activity on a regular basis. An occasional drinking of a healthy woman's golden shower directly from her body should be reasonably safe but a regular diet of her urine is not wise. It is still best to keep the majority of golden showers confined to the male's body and genitals. Also, only engage in this activity with your life partner. Never play around with golden showers with strangers or others. Keep this activity between a wife and husband and within a long term relationship like marriage.

Brown showers (or SCAT play as some call it) must never, I repeat never, be done near the face or the mouth of the submissive. That is very risky behavior, even with your life partner. Keep this activity confined to his chest, stomach, and genitals and only if he has no open wounds or scratches. There is a form of mummification that some enjoy, which includes a brown shower. It is where the woman gives her submissive a brown shower on his chest and stomach. She then takes a paintbrush and smears her messy deposit around his chest, stomach, thighs, and upper part of his legs. She then wraps him up in Saran Wrap and mummifies him with the brown deposit still on his body. She may leave his genitals free to tease and torment them (be careful to clean them first to make sure that none of the brown shower touched them). Don't leave the helpless victim wrapped up longer than an hour before you cut him free. The result may be a rash forming on the skin. Anything longer than an hour may indeed leave sores on the skin from the brown deposit. This activity may be a lot of fun but be warned that it is messy so I would recommend only doing this in a bathroom with good ventilation and always make sure that the submissive gets right in the shower after the mummification (as well as after any brown shower). This can be a very humiliating activity for the submissive and if he enjoys the feeling of being helpless and humiliated, this activity can be very effective in taking him to a deeper level of submission.

Some men get excited about being used as a woman's toilet because to them it is the ultimate in servitude and the depths of submission. There is nothing more lowly than being reduced to a woman's toilet. There is nothing so degrading and humiliating. To most submissive men, it is the moment right before the Brown shower that is the most exciting. To have his Queen positioned over his body, perhaps seated on a potty chair or a Queening stool with the submissive bound below her, awaiting to be degraded. It is that moment of anticipation that submissive men have confessed to me that they felt unbelievably submissive and as if they had indeed been conquered by their Queen. Then as they felt the warmth of her urine against their body followed by the gooey and smelly mess of her brown shower, they knew there was no doubt that they could never be her equal.

The dominant woman might be tormenting his genitals with her feet or the heels of her shoes or boots as she relieves herself on her submissive man's chest. The power surge that she feels is incredible and the level of submission he feels is so intense, that he has to fight back the urge to orgasm. If the woman was being licked at the same time, she probably could orgasm as well at this moment That is what my friend experiences and why she orgasms while her husband ingests her brown deposit. A brown shower can be erotic and a very powerful thing to experience but it is very advanced stuff and all safety precautions must be observed.

Is it a perversion? Yes, if people risk their health over an intense sexual experience. However, if two committed partners take all the necessary precautions and keep the brown shower away from the mouth and face, then this fantasy can be explored in a safe manner. To most couples, this fantasy need never be explored because the thought does not excite them. However, there are those that may want to experiment with this. If so, please use sound judgment and use all precautions. I am not endorsing this activity but I am sharing how people engage in brown showers in a safe manner. I will not share the diet because I feel that ingesting a brown shower is never safe.

Breath play and breath control is also a dangerous activity. It is where the Dom cuts off oxygen to the sub by suffocating him. This is usually done through a gas mask where the Dom controls the amount of air the sub receives. She cuts off his air and makes him squirm before she gives him back his precious air. Some subs love this total feeling of helplessness and relying on the Dom for his very life. A Dom must be very skilled in doing this, as this is an extremely dangerous activity. It doesn't take much for the brain to suffer damage from a lack of oxygen. The amount of trust between the Dom and her sub has to be enormous and the skill of the Dom must be in the expert realm to even attempt this risky activity.

I definitely do not endorse this activity. If a man wants to be suffocated for short periods of time, I recommend being Queened by his Dom. Having the dominant woman face sitting on a submissive male for very short periods of time (less than a minute) while he licks her leather clad or even bare ass, is a better way for the sub to experience breath play. The face sitting can still be dangerous if the Dom suffocates the submissive for too long, so please be careful. Whenever a woman Queens her sub, she should always make sure that he can breathe some while she is sitting on his face. Never cut off all of his air. If you want to experience breath play, never cut off his air for longer than a minute and always give the sub a safe hand signal. I would highly suggest that the woman always allow her submissive a little air as she is Queening him. Extreme breath play is very dangerous and you don't want your sub to end up in a hospital emergency room or even worse.

The majority of D&S activities are perfectly safe. The ingesting of brown showers and breath play are two of the more extreme and risky D&S activities. Please remember to always play safe, no matter what the activity. Become educated about an activity before you engage in it. Don't fear new and exciting activities but research them and if they are risky, then it is best to avoid them all together. Sexuality is an important part of life and I encourage couples to explore each other's sexuality and fantasies in a safe and sane manner. However, one's desires must never endanger their life or their partner's life. To do so if foolishness and a perversion. Have fun but please always play safe.

Q. Hi Elise - I am a BDSM phone counselor for a well-known organization. I get many callers
who want to do age play; specifically Aunt-nephew or Mommy-son. I have been in the BDSM scene over 12 years and I have experience in a number of areas, but age play isn't one of them. This topic comes up numerous times and I know these are fantasies shared by a lot of men. Could you possibly give me some insight into the male psyche in this area? What is a man looking for when he asks to do an Aunt-nephew or Mom-son scene? Is its basis of a sexual nature or a female dominance/power thing?

A. I have counseled many males over the years that had some variance of the Adult Woman/young boy fantasy. Probably the most common ones are the Babysitter/little boy and the Teacher/pupil fantasies. The Aunt/nephew, Mommy/son, and Governess/teenager are also popular among submissive men.

This fantasy revolves around female authority and it usually involves some sexual elements. When a male is an adolescent and is coming of age sexually, his first sexual fantasies are usually geared toward the adult females in his life. Boys become sexually attracted to their Babysitters, Teachers, Aunts, older Sisters and even their Mothers. A boy's first orgasm usually is through masturbation at the fantasy of having sex with one of the female authority figures in his life. It might even be with an article of his Mother's or Aunt's clothing, such as a bra, panties or pantyhose.

There is usually a form of the desire to submit mixed in with the sexuality. A young boy is use to being bossed around and dominated by the adult female authority figures in his life. Then when he begins to enter puberty, his sexual fantasies often involve being the helpless victim as one of his adult female authority figures has her way with him and teaches him the facts of life from her experienced and skillful authority position. Not all boys start out their sexual exploration with these types of fantasies but many boys do.

Now when these boys grow up to be men with submissive desires, they often still maintain the fantasy of being an innocent and helpless boy that is being dominated and sexually used by an adult female authority figure. They recall that their first submissive desires were toward their Teacher, Babysitter or Mother and they remember how pleasurable and exciting it was to have these desires. Probably as they discovered adult magazines and videos, the stories and scenes where an older women dominates a young boy or male is what causes them the most intense sexual arousal.

To be perfectly honest and blunt about it, most of these men wish that an older woman would have had sex with them when they were young boys. They would have loved it if an experienced older woman would have taught them how to sexually please a woman. These men probably never felt comfortable being the aggressor that society dictates they be when it comes to the opposite sex. They prefer to be passive and helpless when having sex. The Adult Woman/little boy fantasy is a place where they can be innocent and passive while worshipping and discovering the mystery that is the female in all her beauty and authority.

Keep in mind that besides the sexual aspects of this fantasy, there is almost always domination and discipline involved with age play. The submissive male that has this fantasy and desire wants to submit to the adult woman's authority. Most men that want to travel back in time in their minds to become a boy again, want to be spanked by the babysitter, smacked or spanked with a ruler by the teacher, paddled by his Mother or Aunt and possibly caned by his Governess. The discipline by his female authority figure adds to his submissive and sexual desires toward her.

Unfortunately, a lot of the erotic literature that deals with these fantasies has been censored by our society under the rightful concern and need to protect children from child pornography and child molestation. The fear of these very strict laws prevent most new adult erotic literature that deals with the Adult woman/little boy fantasy from being created. That is too bad because this particular fantasy is not about a little boy being molested but rather an adult man hearkening back to when women were in authority over him and his coming of age sexually. It is sad that society does not wish to understand this and to draw the clear distinctions. Most of these men are desiring that they were the helpless victims of a loving and authoritative woman. Such erotica needs to be free from censorship as it might assist men in discovering more about their submissive desires.

Society never learns that when something is taboo or forbidden, it only makes the forbidden fruit more desirable. Of course all child pornography must be banned and never produced as society needs to protect children from being exploited but adult erotica that deals with this natural and common part of a boy's adolescence needs to be uncensored and understood.

The censorship that is taking place today is only fanning this fantasy within men even more as one cannot censor the submissive male's mind. That is why men seek out an understanding and caring woman to assist them in exploring this fantasy with him in a safe environment. It is actually a healthy thing for this fantasy to be role played between two consenting adults. The man never got to experience his fantasy as a boy but he can live it through role-playing it with an Adult woman. That is where you come in as a BDSM counselor.

I have two procedures that deal with this fantasy. On my site they are listed as procedures 4 and 19. They are role-playing procedures that were designed to be done in person by committed adult partners. Any wives out there who discover that their husbands also have this deep rooted fantasy should get these procedures. They will create an incredible bond of intimacy as well as being very fulfilling to the submissive man who has a desire for age play.

Q. Ms Elise, my Beautiful Dominant Mother-Wife ordered me to write you to tell you how much She enjoys your website.  I too must thank you as it has helped Her to take me to increasingly deeper levels of total submission.  However, She now feels the time has come to begin my regression into early childhood and noticed that you have not yet addressed the issue of Infantilization.  She is eager to take our Matriarchal Marriage into this new realm and would welcome your views on this subject.

A. While I have not covered the topic of Infantilism, I have discussed Age play. Age play occurs between two consenting adults, one of whom takes on the role of a child, and the other takes on the role of a caretaker.  There are many variations to each role, what age the submissive will play, what kind of caretaker the dominant will be (parent, teacher, aunt) the list goes on and on.

When a person enjoys playing the role of an infant (infantilism) he/she may crave to be cuddled, cared for, and as you say, to regress back into their early childhood. This is not a common lifestyle but there are couples who enjoy this practice. Women are by nature nurturing and even some vanilla wives enjoy babying their husbands to some degree. This is especially true if no actual children exist in their home.

Within Female Domination, Infantilism is a chance for the Dominant Female to gain more control and power in her marriage by treating her husband more as her male child, thus he is no threat to ever be her equal. That may be why your wife is interested in exploring Infantilism with you. In most cases, Infantilism is primarily a form of role-playing. One benefit is, by getting you to regress back to being an infant, your wife may be able to uncover the root of your submissive nature and thus be able to understand and thus utilize it to her advantage.

If the male will truly surrender and fall into the infant role, he will get to see and experience the loving and nurturing side of the female nature. As an adult male role-playing an infant, he will be able to truly appreciate the beauty and the love that the female ministers as a Mommy. This will bring him comfort and contentment and can even heal any wounds that were caused in his own childhood if he lacked that love and nurturing from his natural Mother.

If the Dominant Female has never had children of her own, this sort of role-playing (and in some cases lifestyle) affords her the chance to release and develop more of her nurturing nature. Some women really enjoy this activity as it fulfills a part of them. One thing is for certain, Infantilism will definitely form a powerful and intimate bond between the Dominant Wife and her submissive husband. It will elevate the woman to an authority position and the man will look at his wife as not only his life partner, but as also his superior guardian. This can cause a real power exchange and give the woman a real power advantage within the marriage.

Q. Hello, I have read your site in its entirety and with great interest. I am a 24 year old male. The reason I am writing to you is I need your advice about one special type of sexual masochism, called ball-busting.

I have discovered that scenes in videos where a beautiful girl kicks or grabs a man's testicles so hard that he goes down and cries in pain, excites me sexually. This has become a fetish to me and my girlfriend is willing to grab and twist my balls hard but it is not enough. I want the harder-stuff, which she is unwilling to do. She thinks my desire has to do with my unpleasant childhood relationship with my mother.

I tried to cure myself of this desire with some psychological tutorials, self-help "inner child" and Freudian analysis. Do you have a psychoanalytic explanation about my desire? You seem to have a wonderful analysis about D&S. Thank you.

A. If you feel you have some serious issues from your childhood, I would strongly recommend that you go see a real counselor instead of trying the "self-help" approach. I am sure none of those books addresses your specific sexual desire. You should contact a kink friendly therapist who will understand about the potential benefits of the D&S lifestyle while at the same time helping you to become grounded in reality. It is Ok to experiment with your masochist desires as long as you do not engage in any activity that will cause you injury or harm.

Ball-busting can be a dangerous activity unless it is done by a skilled and health conscience Mistress. Asking your girlfriend to kick you in your groin hard enough to make you drop to the floor, is not a good idea. I applaud her in being responsible enough to refuse this activity. It sounds like she is a wonderful balance to your personality. She wants you to stay grounded in reality with this desire. It sounds as if she is willing to experiment with D&S but only if it is safe and sane.

As far as a psychoanalytic explanation for your desire is concerned, that would be impossible without hearing about those childhood experiences. That is why you need to go see a counselor whom you can open up with and reveal to her your deepest secrets. A counselor may or may not be able to tell you why you have this desire but she should be able to help you to come to terms with this desire as well as encouraging you to stay grounded with this desire.

A lot of men desire ball-busting but not all have issues from their childhood. The desire for ball-busting is just another expression of the male submissive nature. In some men, this nature is expressed in the desire to be whipped, or to be verbally humiliated, or to be trampled on by a woman wearing boots, or to be ridden like a pony. The expression for this desire is different but at its core, you desire to be dominated by a woman.

That desire might be based on the unhealthy experiences you had as a child and thus you feel unworthy to be loved and instead want to be physically abused. Or that desire might be based on the healthy longing to experience the power of the female. Many men have a fantasy of being wrestled and defeated by a woman. Some men want to be physically dominated and ball-busting and the desire to be kicked in the groin fits within that desire.

Regardless of the root of your desire, what is most important is that you stay grounded in reality and that you learn to accept your girlfriend's love. No matter what happened to you in the past, you are a special human being who was created by a loving God and who was put here to love and to be loved. Do not allow your past to place a barrier in your life where you cannot receive love. D&S and even masochistic desires can work in your favor if you work toward accepting and receiving loving female authority. Channel your desires into serving your girlfriend and focus more on her and less on yourself. That is the best way to overcome destructive self-behavior.

Q. Dear Mistress Sutton, My question concerns electro cock/ball rings. My Mistress wife is finding it difficult to apply pain as a punishment to me. Although she has a dominant personality, she is gentle by nature. I am much less obedient than I should be, in part I think, because I don't fear her enough. She has no problem imposing chastity on me, I sometimes go two months without relief. (I think a CB2000 would help my efforts at long term celibacy?)

She is intrigued by the use of electro control using a cock/ball ring and a remote control, to both remind me of her control, and when required to turn up the frequency and punish me. Could you recommend a suitable device? Or give us some more options on physical punishment that might be more acceptable to my wife than whipping etc. We have been together for 30 years, but are only now making a determined effort to become Mistress/slave (We've dabbled during our marriage). I need to learn to worship my wife and become a much more responsive slave. We think your wonderful site is sublime.

A. Electricity Play will add some intensity and perhaps excitement to your D&S but it will not make you into your wife's slave. Your attitude is what will make you into your wife's slave. She can use advanced domination and discipline to help shape your attitude but that will only work if you are willing to surrender yourself to her. Obedience is a condition of the heart.

Why are you disobedient? I would guess it is because you are accustomed to getting your way for the past thirty years. Even now, the D&S is being driven by your wants and needs. You want to experience intense D&S and you are telling your wife that if she will be harsh with you, then you will obey her. Well I have news for her. If you are not obeying her now, you will not obey her even if she shocks your genitals. It might work for awhile, as long as you are enjoying this sort of play, but once it loses its newness, you will go back to manipulating her and you will tell her that she needs to try something new.

I don't mean to be hard on you but I sense in your question a bit of selfishness on your part. I give you credit for recognizing your need to worship your wife and your need to be more obedient toward her. Change begins by admitting your need for change. I think it is great that you want to be more obedient. You recognize your need to be in submission to your wife. However, that change will only come when you renew your mind and develop a new attitude.

Obedience can begin today. Begin by not talking back to your wife. Go to her, humble yourself and tell her that as of now, she is in charge. Then when the urge exists for you to usurp her authority by putting your two cents in when she does not ask for it, you need to bite your tongue. D&S play and male chastity will definitely help you to stay focused on her and her needs. But it need not be intense S&M unless that is what she also desires. Softer activities such as Queening, female body worship, strap-on play, and sensual spankings will do the trick if you are sincere in your desire to submit to your wife. It sounds to me like she will enjoy the softer activities if she has trouble disciplining you physically.  As her submissive, you need to submit to her desires, not you desires. Find those common activities that will stir your submission and allow her to feel comfortable and desirable at the same time.

If your wife also wants to explore Electricity Play (and such play can indeed be powerful for a woman and provide her with yet another tool of domination) then you might want to check out the following websites:  Paradise Electro Stimulations (; and JTs Stockroom (

Only the educated should attempt Electricity Play. There are some real dangers in this kind of activity if a person does not know what they are doing. You can order these devices but I would strongly advise that you have someone demonstrate for you how to use them safely and effectively. I would recommend that you and your wife visit a Professional Dominant Woman who is experienced in Electricity Play. The investment will be well worth it. Not only can she teach your wife how to use the items but she can also give her great ideas on when to use them. You may even want to visit the Pro Dom before you order any items as she might be able to advise you which products would best fit your lifestyle. Good luck and keep striving to be obedient. Your wife deserves it. 

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