Finding That Special Someone: Questions on How To Meet A FemDom Partner

Q. Hi Elise, I found your page a few weeks ago, and I found it to be extremely interested. I recently wrote an ad in the adult classifieds looking for a 24/7 submissive. I've received several responses and there's one in particular that I am fond of. But I don't know what I should do when we first meet. How should I behave? We've exchanged various e-mails already. We're both 26 yrs. old and he appears to be really submissive. What should my next step be?

A. Take things real slow with him and make sure that he treats you like a Queen. If he doesn't, then drop him and find a man that will.

I would suggest that you meet him in a public place the first two or three times you get together with him. Always be cautious and always keep the upper hand. Remember that you have everything he needs and wants but you don't need him. There are tons of men that are looking for a sharp dominant woman like you. Be bold and confident with him. Stay in charge. If after a few public dates and some lengthy phone chats with him, you feel that he is worthy of you, then let him know that you desire a relationship with him but only if he will be in submission to you. If he agrees to your terms, then you can take things from there.

Above all, take things slow and be anxious for nothing. Take things a day at a time and allow your dominant energy to freely flow from you. If he is as submissive and special as you say he is, he will be very eager to please you. I wish you all the best.

Q. Dear Elise, I really like your website and all the good ideas you present. I am a single woman and would like to begin a Dominant/sub relationship. Do you think I would be better off putting out a BDSM personal ad or employing some other means? Also, what do you think should be the very first techniques I should employ whilst getting to know a potential partner? Finally, do you have any advice on dominating several submissives at the same time?

A. You have the extreme advantage of being a dominant female so it will not be too difficult to find a submissive man. Submissive men who are actively searching for a dominant woman to serve far out number the dominant women who are actively seeking a submissive man. The odds are greatly in your favor.

I am not opposed to a woman placing a personal ad on the Internet or in a contact publication if the woman has the patience and an adequate screening process. But if you decide to go about it this way, please be careful for there are dangerous men out there. Only give out an anonymous web based e-mail account and make sure that you have frequent e-mail communication with a man before you agree to talk with him over the telephone. Require a picture and some personal information like what he does and where he works. If you feel that his e-mails display that he is an intelligent and sincere male worthy of further attention, then have him give you his phone number and a convenient time to call. Use the caller ID block feature the first time you call him and only give him your phone number after you feel comfortable that he is indeed worthy of you.

After a number of lengthy phone calls where you discuss in detail your interests, agree to meet him in a public place for the first couple of dates and never agree to be alone with him until you are sure that he is harmless and sincere. If you have a quality screening process and you are patient, you very well could find the perfect submissive man for you. But be prepared to weed through a number of men via e-mail, the phone and even some in person meetings before you meet the right submissive man for you. It pays to be picky when you are choosing a man in this fashion.

I would advise that before you go the personal ad route, that you try my advice in my article "How to Unleash your Female Power". Get out there and experience life and keep your eyes open for a submissive male that you are attracted or drawn to. Work on developing your dominant energy and your female power and that will cause an aura to radiate from you that will attract submissive men. Walk and talk like a confident and dominant woman. Wear classy looking leather outfits like a leather skirt or a pair of leather pants with a pair of sexy shoes or boots. Send off the signal that you are an intelligent and aggressive female and you will draw submissive men. Then when you find that single man that you are interested in, you can ask him out. First build a friendship with him and connect with him on some non-D&S areas like hobbies and common interests, then after the friendship is secure, build upon it by making your D&S interests know.

The problem with personal ads is that they get the cart before the horse. You are meeting someone based totally on your D&S desires, which is fine if all you want is a short term D&S fling that perhaps will develop into something more meaningful. But if you build a friendship with a man and get to know him on an intellectual and personal level first, then the foundation will be in place for you to add the D&S elements to the relationship. For a successful D&S relationship, there must be openness and trust and these come from bonding with a man on other levels besides just the D&S. You can and should be the dominant partner as you bond with a man in these other areas but the sexual D&S elements should be added after a connection is made in the intellectual and social realms.

To answer your second question, after you connect with a man on an intellectual and social level and once you are convinced that he is worthy to be your long term submissive, I would recommend dong my psychoanalysis procedure on him and building on it by getting my additional procedures. If you are not interested in a long tem and meaningful relationship but merely want to have a male submissive to serve you, then that would totally depend on what your goals are. In that case, use your phone conversations and email correspondences to find out what causes him to go into subspace and begin to explore these areas with him after you are convinced he is worthy of your attention. Find out what causes a man to enter into subspace and use his submissive desires to train him to become your obedient and humble servant.

Regardless of what kind of a relationship that you desire, it is important to build D&S chemistry. Feed off of his submission and allow your dominance to be exercised and use your dominance to drive him into deeper submission. It is like a dance and it takes chemistry and compatibility. When you find it, you will know it.

Your final question is quite an ambitious goal for a woman who is a novice at this lifestyle. Start out with one successful D&S relationship before you consider adding other men to your personal stable of servants. It takes a very skilled Dominant to make multiple submissive relationships work. You need to learn to crawl before you run a marathon. Work on finding and training one submissive man and then contact me again if you feel you are ready to take the next step. Good luck.

Q. Someone at work placed inside my top desk drawer a business size card that had your web address on it. It was a pink card with a rose on it and it said "Every Woman Should Be Treated Like a Queen". I have no idea who placed the card in my desk for me to find.

I pulled up your web site and I must confess that I was shocked. My first thought was that one of my male co-workers was playing a prank on me. However, after I read through most of your site, I found myself becoming aroused and excited. I became excited for two reasons. First, I found myself desiring to take charge of my marriage and to try your methods to get my husband to relinquish all control over to me. The other reason I got excited was the realization that one of my male co-workers must view me as a potential Dom and he must have a desire to submit to me. My mind began to immediately race with thoughts of wonder. Who is it that I work with that desires to submit to me? Could it be the gentleman that works next to me? Or perhaps my boss? Perhaps it is one of the many men that work in the department next to ours? Who could it be?

I have become very aggressive and dominant with my husband. He is very surprised to say the least. I plan on performing your psychoanalysis on him very soon. I have taken the dominant role in our lovemaking and I can tell that he is enjoying this change in me. I am always on top and I am very forceful with him, giving him orders in a bitchy voice. My husband is pretty straight and conservative. To my knowledge, he has no fetishes or kinky fantasies. Our sex life has always been traditional and vanilla. My first question to you is this. The first part of your psychoanalysis calls for me to dress in a fetish outfit and to spank and humiliate my husband to get him into a submissive mood before I ask the questions. My problem is, I have never worn a fetish outfit and I don't know how to approach my husband about spanking him. I am afraid I will freak him out. Any suggestions? I want to try this lifestyle and after I do the psychoanalysis on him, I plan on ordering all of your procedures.

My other question is about my mysterious co-worker. I want to find out who it is that left the card in my desk. How do you suggest that I go about doing this? If it is someone that I am attracted to, how should I proceed? I am not looking for an affair but if an attractive man wants to submit to me, I sure do not want this opportunity to slip away. Thanks for all that you are doing for women.

A. A few months ago, a gentleman contacted me about the business card idea. He wanted a way to introduce my web site to some women in his life without having to risk being labeled a freak or a pervert. He came up with the business card idea and he wrote me to get my permission. I told him that he had to send me the card first to gain my approval. I told him that it had to be classy and sophisticated looking. He sent me his card and I approved it. Later, another man asked me for ideas on how to introduce my web site to women that he works with and that he comes in contact with. I told him about the business card idea and he also designed a card for my approval.

I have told a few other men about the business card idea but none of the others have submitted a card for my approval. So as far as I know, there are two men out there placing business cards around with my web address. Both of the cards I have seen are very classy looking and I instructed these men to be careful where they place them. I told them not to pin them up in public places but rather leave them in clever places where women would find them. Such as inside a woman's magazine at a hair salon or the public library or inside a book that deals with feminism or a book that corporate women might read. Other ideas were to place them in the desk of a female co-worker or to send a woman that he wants to submit to an anonymous present with the card inside.

I told these men that they needed to be patient and to see if the woman that received a card leaves any sort of return signal. Watch how she talks and try to see if she is sending out any vibes. Perhaps she will respond with a signal of her own. One man wrote me and told me that the one woman that he left a card for had placed a teddy bear dressed in a Dominatrix outfit on her desk. Obviously she was returning the message that she liked the web site. One has to be very careful at work because a man can get fired for sexual harassment if he is not careful. I don't recommend doing this sort of thing in the work place but the business card idea is a way a man can gage one of his female co-workers response but it still might be difficult for a man to approach the co-worker afterwards. I suggested to the man who's co-worker placed the bear on her desk to invite her out for a drink after work and then in a social setting, ask her about the bear. Perhaps she will ask him about the card and they can go from there. I told him that if she seems upset after she discovers that it was indeed him that left the card, that he should apologize and just say that it was indeed an ill advised prank. On the other hand, if she seems excited about the idea, he should offer to be her servant and to allow her to decide how she wants to proceed.

So to answer your second question, send out a return signal. The Dominatrix bear was a clever idea. I have seen these bears on the Internet on some fairly mainstream sites. A woman when asked about it can always say that her husband gave it to her because she is such a slave driver at home. There are little plaques that a woman can buy at any novelty store that states how superior women are. Such things like "Of course I don't look as busy as men, I did it right the first time" or "After God created man, he decided he could improve on his creation, so he created Woman". You could place such a plaque on your desk as a signal to the male that left you the card that you received it and enjoyed the web site. Then it will be up to him to make the next move.

If you do discover who it is and if he desires to be your servant, then make him your servant. Since you are married, just make him a non-sexual servant. Have him run errands for you and boss him around. Perhaps down the road you can dominate him in private by having him grovel before you and having him kiss your feet or lick your boots while you dominate him in a non-sexual manner. It will be up to you how far you want to take it but I would advise that you proceed slowly, especially since you are just beginning with your husband. Your husband needs to be your primary focus at this time.

That brings me to your first question. My psychoanalysis will reveal if your husband has any fetishes or kinky desires. Just tell him that you want to try something different to spice up your sex life. Go get yourself a leather outfit, put it on, and call him into the bedroom. Since you will have already told him that you are doing this to be adventuresome, I am sure he will not fight you. As a matter of fact, I imagine that he will become quite excited when he sees you in a sexy, leather outfit. Then follow my procedure and spank him with a hairbrush. Just take it easy on him if this is his first exposure to D&S. Be firm and be bitchy with him and use your sexual power to get him to submit to you. Then turn soft and begin to ask him the questions. You will learn much about your husband and I imagine that he will enjoy this procedure very much. Most men have a fantasy to submit to a dominant woman. He probably has never told you about his fantasies in the past because he also views you as straight and conservative and he didn't want you to know what kind of thoughts go through his mind when it comes to this area of his personality.

So relax and have fun with it. I predict that he will gladly follow your lead and he will surrender control over to you. It might not happen all at once but it will eventually happen if you are determined and if you are consistent and persistent. My procedures will be a great assistance to you as you train your husband. Good luck and keep me informed on both fronts.

Q. Ms Sutton, I have been searching high and low for a dominant woman. Recently I joined the Chicago Discussion Group, which is an organization that caters to people in the D&S lifestyle. There are many dominant women there, but the submissive men out number the women at least three to one. Also, there are dominant men and submissive women that are members and I feel uncomfortable around them, as well as the homosexual couples that attend.

I am running out of patience and I am beginning to feel that I am never going to have a relationship with a dominant woman. Any suggestions?

A. See my articles on "How To Meet A Dominant Woman" and "How To Introduce the FemDom Lifestyle to your Wife or Girlfriend". The best way for a submissive man to develop a relationship with a dominant woman is to date out going and aggressive women. Stay away from shy and quiet ones for now. Just be yourself and build a relationship with a woman first of all. Always do what she wants to do and be eager to serve her. Be a gentleman and hold doors open for her, volunteer to do chores and run errands for her, and treat her like a Queen. Slowly introduce her to the female domination lifestyle and before you know it, you will be in a relationship with a dominant woman.

Until you find an out going and an aggressive woman, you might want to visit a professional Dominatrix on a monthly basis, if you can afford it. Be careful and find the right Dominatrix for you. Visiting her will help you to develop your submissive nature and dominant women will sense the submissive energy that flows out of you. If you don't want to see a professional Dominatrix, let me recommend a telephone session with one of my Associates. One of these ladies will be able to explore your submission with you in the security and privacy of your own home, and help to draw more of it out of you. This will help draw aggressive women to you and you will appear more attractive to them.

Q. Dear Elise, please feel free to publish this question on your excellent web site. I was married to a wonderful woman for 27 years. Of those years 23 were as a dedicated submissive, loving husband and father. As in all relationships we had our 'ups and downs' but managed to survive all those years. I understand the whole cycle of life and relationships etc. and as a spiritual man know that her life in heaven is much more than I will ever experience in this life. My problem is this. I am 54 years old, healthy and active, starting to wind down my career in a couple of years. As a submissive male I find it extremely difficult to establish a relationship with a woman that is willing to look at our lifestyle as one that is normal and healthy.

When I bring the subject up gently or try to enact a discussion about this topic I am called strange, sick, not normal etc. In my mind and heart I know and well understand that I am healthy & normal. However I am at the same time lonely for this part of my life to be taken care of or satisfied. At the same time I know I need some professional counseling to work some of this out. I would like some information on how to access the right type of counselor that would help me to learn to cope with these life changes. At least be willing to try and understand who I am but at the same time not a person that is going to try and change me as a submissive male to someone that I am not and never will be. I know this is not the most titillating or sexually interesting thing to hear about. However I believe there are many others like myself facing the same issues and needing the same type of help. As the baby boomers 'age' this will become more and more of an issue that needs to be addressed. Any comments and advice would be most appreciated Elise. Thank you so much for the hard work you put into this site. It is beyond any doubt in my opinion the best and most authentic on the web. I hope your husband and clients understand how fortunate they are.

A. Finding a dominant woman who practices this lifestyle can be a challenge no matter what age you are. The situation you find yourself in having your wife going on to heaven after twenty some years of marriage, makes dating difficult regardless of the type of woman you seek. It is hard for men and women who have been married for a long time to all of a sudden get back in the dating mode. Dating is not easy for most people whether they are 21 or 61. The fear of rejection, the fear of finding the wrong mate, and the basic awkwardness of relating to the opposite sex all make dating uncomfortable for many folks. My advice to you would be the same advice I give to the many single men who ask me how they can meet a Dominant woman.

It is important that you get active in life and that you meet people. Join organizations or clubs that cater to your interests. Many cities have single clubs where singles get together for public outings such as going to the movies and dinner. Most of the singles that join these clubs are older adults. What are your hobbies? Join an organization that caters to your hobby. Join organizations where you know many women will be active. The local Kennel club would be a great place if you have a dog. Most women love animals and kennel clubs are usually made up of mostly women. Now don't join a kennel club unless you love dogs. You can't fake it as these people can sense a true dog lover. My point is that you need to get out and mingle with people. There are a lot of baby boomer aged single women out there who have been through a similar situation as you. Once you get around women, look for an out going woman that seems to be open minded. Then ask her out on a date. Take chances and if you get turned down or rejected, don't take it personally. It is a process and you may need to weed through a number of women before you find the one who is right for you. Find a nice, fun loving, out going woman and then build a friendship with her. Treat her like a Queen and serve her. Allow your submissive nature to flow out into the service of this woman. Be a gentleman and volunteer to do chores for her, run errands for her, and be humble around her. This will seduce her dominant nature.

Don't talk about D&S or such things but you can mention your feelings about female superiority to feel her out on the subject. Take things slow and be patient. Allow her room to grow at her pace. Above all, build a friendship with her. Eventually, you will get to a place where you can have an open discussion with her about sexuality and your desires. Be cautious but be honest. Share with her what you and your wife did sexually and what you liked about it. Be a good listener and hear what she shares about her sexuality and focus on her needs and desires as well. What I am suggesting does take time and patience but it is the most practical advice that I can give. You could join a D&S support group if you live near one but these groups will be pan sexual and it will not be easy to compete with the many single submissive men for the attention of the few single dominant women who are members of these organizations. Your best bet is to just live life and to be on the look out for an outgoing and aggressive female and then build a friendship with her. I have known a number of men who have had success following my advice.

As far as finding the right kind of counselor goes, you will have to do your own research on this. Depending on where you live, there may or may not be a pastor, psychologist, or professional counselor who is open to this lifestyle. I have seen directories on the Internet that lists kink friendly professionals. I can refer you to one of my associates for telephone counseling. I highly recommend Jennifer Hunter. If you are interested, contact her and schedule a phone session. Her address is on my site under this link. I hope I have been of some help to you. I wish you all the best.

Q. I am very interested in obtaining the procedures from you but not sure if all of them can be used successfully in our situation.  I will try to brief you a bit on where we are and perhaps you may be able to help me obtain the level of submission in him that I desire. He is very open about his needs also, and I would like to have some advice.

We have known each other for over 3 years now. He is available at times to travel for real time connection, but there is time between these visits that I feel a great need to push those limits even further and to keep the Domme/submissive channel between us working and open. He does very well with verbal and physical humiliation. WE have both enjoyed the area of forced feminization to the utmost and often want to take it even further there. Perhaps there are some of these procedures that will aid me to continue to grow even stronger in gaining and keeping his total control and to bring him deeper into submission even while he is unable to be here with me real time.... Can this be done from a distance? We both feel a great need.  I do feel the strong need to control and to use him, and he has the need to serve and the need to submit is very strong in him much of the time.

I would like to know your feelings about this and can these procedures help, when we are at such a distance, (7,500 miles apart)?  Also am very interested in finding new ideas, procedures etc that will also be effective during the time that we are together. Do you feel these procedures will be effective in this way?

A. My procedures are designed to be done in person. However, with a little creativity on your part, you could tailor some of them to be used over the phone. The woman who does phone counseling for me uses some of my procedures over the phone with her clients. You might want to drop her an e-mail and ask her which procedures she has successfully used over the phone.

I would say that the first procedure (the one that is posted on my site) would be an excellent one to
perform over the phone. Procedure four could be done over the phone as it involves role-playing. You will have to use some creativity to tailor it but I know Ms Kathleen has role-played being a female authority figure with her phone clients.

Procedure eight could be used over the phone. It involves more role-playing. Procedure eleven would be excellent as it is called "Domination from a distance". Again, you would have to tailor it and instead of having the man perform for you in person, he would have to perform for you over the phone.

When he does visit you, I highly recommend procedure number ten "The public outing" or as some call it "The shopping Trip". Any of the other procedures can be done in person. If this relationship ever leads to marriage, then procedure number twenty-two is a must. If he likes feminization, procedure number two is a must. I recommend doing that one to him in person.

I hope this helps. Lots of women have submissive men who live in other regions but most of these relationships are based on servitude only. It is hard to maintain an intimate D&S relationship 7500 miles apart. Some women make their distant submissive men do tasks for them like buying them certain items they cannot get where they live and mailing them to her. Or doing tasks to promote the empowerment of women like holding doors open for women at a public building, or taking a woman's study program at a local college.

Some women will require that a distant submissive prepare himself for a his in person visits by taking classes in giving massages or learning how to give a woman a manicure or a pedicure. Some women will enforce chastity on her man at a distant by requiring him to wear a chastity device while she holds the key. These are just some suggestions.

Ultimately, you need to be working toward a goal when the two of you can build a life together. Domination at a distance can work on a short term basis but if you really care for this man, the two of you need to set some goals on how you two can be together on a more permanent basis.

Q. Dear Ms Sutton, As a submissive male who has battled for many years against facing up to his true nature, I have noted with interest your web page.

I appreciate your wisdom and indeed in a sense your gentleness but your words have stirred up something very deep in me. In fact you may well be driving me to the edge. Since I found your site I have not slept much and have taken up smoking. It is the very acuteness of your consciousness that touches men like me so hard. When I read your words my blood feels like honey and my entire frame trembles. I can only quote you James Joyce; 'with hungered flesh he mutely craved to adore'.  Although of course its not of the flesh really. The longing you evoke in me is to lust what the panther is to the grasshopper!

My question is this though, is it difficult for someone in my position (28 -never really been in a relationship because I couldn't get what I want) to find someone?

A. Read my articles "How To Meet A Dominant Woman" and  "How To Introduce Your Wife or Girlfriend to the FemDom lifestyle." You may have already read them but read them again and pay attention to exactly what the advice is. These are the most practical approaches to finding a dominant woman.

Staying at home, smoking and dreaming about dominant women is no way to find one. A dominant woman is not going to jump off of your computer screen and make you her slave. Get out there and experience life. Twenty-eight is young. Make yourself presentable. Dress sharp, stop smoking, and be a gentleman to all women. Focus more on others (especially women) and less on yourself. Give and it shall be given back to you. It sounds like you are a captive to your own world. Get out there and meet people. Experience life and you will find a woman. If you stay home and dream about it, then life will pass you by.

Q. Dear Elise, I have enjoyed reading your site and value your insight. I've noticed that your site is based on an existing marriage or long term relationship. I am a single mother that has begun to date again. It's been 2 years now. I've been apart from my daughter's father for 8 years now. I have lots of male friends and was introduced to your site by one of them. After reading your question and answer forum, I've come to the conclusion that I may attract submissive men. Most may not even know they have these tendencies. I start out in the relationship being strong, confidant then something happens and I lose the control in the relationship.

After reading your question and answer forum, I realized that these men have needed further strong support from me. I feel that because of society, I step back and expect the man to react the way I want without my guidance. As I look back, maybe they lose trust in me. In the beginning, they may feel that I can take them where they need to go.  I have the reins in my hand but in midstream, I hand them the reins and they seem lost. I need to learn new ways to achieve the relationship I truly deserve. Do you have any advice for how a single woman may get over that hump? Thank you for taking the time to respond.

A. This is a very good question. Society has programmed all of us to view the Female/male relationship in a certain way. Society has placed certain expectations on us and it takes courage and inner strength to overcome that societal expectation.

What you have experienced with men is not uncommon. You are a strong woman who radiates dominance. Naturally, submissive men are attracted to you and you are attracted to them. The D&S energy is there from the outset. However, as a potential relationship is forming, you both revert to the roles you think are normal for females and males. You surrender that dominance and expect the male to embrace the dominant role. Once you surrender the dominant role, you are no longer as attractive to him because he was captivated by you being a confident and in charge woman. There are many males who are seeking a take charge and dominant woman, societal expectations or no societal expectations.

To answer your question, the best way to get over that hump is to change your attitude about societal expectations. Begin to date men with the expectation that you are going to be the dominant partner. Stop surrendering that role in midstream of the relationship. Even if the male tries to take it due to his societal programming, don't allow him. Stay in charge and he will submit to your dominance. If it was your dominance that attracted him to you in the first place, it will be your dominance that keeps him in the relationship.

The great news for you is that you are living in a time when women are beginning to change those societal expectations. More and more women are dating with the expectation of being the dominant partner and more and more men are excited about submitting to women in relationships. It does not have to be openly D&S or FemDom either. It is just an attitude that you are in charge of the relationship and that you are the primary decision-maker. Submissive men will respond to this. Of course since you are reading my site, it would be natural for you to take that submission and introduce D&S and FemDom activities into the relationship once that foundation of friendship is first established.

Expect respect and submission from the men you date and you will have no problem being the dominant partner in a relationship.

Q. Hi Elise - I love You! That may sound trite, but I really do! I get so warm and secure and excited and happy and intrigued and emotional reading your site that sometimes I shake. I am a binge eater, but when I read your site I can skip eating all day. All the trivial concerns in my life drop away. I don't love you in a selfish way, I want your happiness. You are beautiful and have helped me find myself. I support you 100%.

I admired how you encouraged loving, healthy relationships, where the male is not reduced to
nothing and thrown away, but is led in the direction his heart yearns for.

I just keep reading sound, intelligent, caring advice. I really respect you and I hope more people
become aware of you site.  Today I had to write. I read the tragic letter from a male who wanted (or thought he wanted) to be castrated. Ouch! You in no uncertain terms showed him the negativity of the path he was going down, and also offered him hope. Bless you !

I have been miserable most of my life. I was deeply depressed for thirty years, and am now emerging, with the help of a wonderful female counselor. I am for the first time free of most of my fears, free to let my heart feel, and free to see the good in people (due to my frail ego and my insecurities, I always saw the bad in people).

I have regained my wonder. I thought people lost that after childhood. But I see much good in people, and I am amazed at them and at life. I have always felt compelled by society to be something I am not. Now I wish to love and enjoy a woman, and show her that every day.

Finally to my two questions:

First, I just recently confessed to a woman friend whom I respect my desire to find a woman who wants to wear the pants. She kept trying to steer me towards equality, but I could never pretend that I have anywhere near the power that a woman's sexuality gives her. And yes, I too have always believed that women are superior. I see everyday men being shortsighted jerks and women having to calmly fix their messes.  But it is so ingrained in me that when I show my submissiveness, I will be treated badly and dumped.

Second, my need for sexual domination vs. a woman having total control (and perhaps no sex for me). I have such a strong need for domination. I really want her to use me sexually and control my orgasms (but still allow them). But if I give myself to her, I see myself doing housework or other chores all my free time and probably she will no longer be sexually interested in me, which would make me miserable. It's not that I don't want to serve her, I do. I am a giver and I show my love. I think that is how it should be, but many take that and do not return it. Your advice would help. Thank You.

A. Thank you so much for those kind words. I am honored that my site has been a blessing to you and has contributed to you gaining a positive perspective on life. I wish you continued growth as you discover your self-worth. Please continue to see your female counselor as it sounds like she is doing a fantastic job in opening you to the positive and the beauty in life.

Basically your questions boil down to you fearing that your submissive nature will open you to being taken advantage of by a woman. It is obvious that you have been mistreated by women in the past and you have not done well in relationships. Not all people do. I wish that all people would find that perfect someone and they would live happily ever after. Unfortunately, that is not reality. People have free wills and people are basically survivalists, which means that people can be extremely selfish. Sometimes people react out of fear and a defense mechanism and that causes people to say and do hurtful things. I wish it were not so but that is realty. I am sorry for the hurt others may have caused you.

Just because you are submissive does not mean that you have to be a victim. When you date a woman, you need to be honest with her and you need to protect yourself until you establish a strong level of trust. Don't put yourself in the hands of the first woman who wants to dominate you. You need to build a friendship and a level of trust before you surrender yourself over to her. Female Domination involves a deep level of trust and openness. If you want to experience D&S without the trust and vulnerability, than go see a Pro Dom. But if you want a real relationship, than first build it on the foundation of friendship and trust. That is especially important to a person who has been rejected and hurt in the past.

If you want a relationship, you need to have more in common with a woman than just D&S. A woman needs a companion and a life partner. The best FemDom relationships are the ones where the couple had a healthy relationship before they embraced the FemDom lifestyle. The FemDom lifestyle solidifies the relationship and takes it to a deeper and more meaningful level. It is not the foundation. The foundation was previously laid through the establishment of a friendship and a companionship. That foundation is what builds the trust and it is the trust that usually opens the door for the submissive male to share with the female his desire to be dominated.

If you find a woman whom you want to serve, serve her first of all in the subtle ways. Treat her like a lady by being a gentleman. Prefer her and put her needs ahead of yours. Build a friendship based on you serving her in a selfless manner. Then once you have built a closeness and a trust, once you have seduced her dominant nature through servitude, than you can share with her your desire to be dominated by her. If you build the relationship first and if you serve her in a selfless manner, you will be able to trust her with your submission. I would not advise you to surrender to just any woman unless you desire to be taken advantage of (which some men indeed do desire). Build the foundation first and then solidify it by this wonderful lifestyle.

I wish you all the best and please keep blossoming into the wonderful man you are becoming. Regardless of what happens with any future relationships, your happiness will be determined by how you view yourself. Love God and love yourself and you will find it easier to love your neighbor, regardless how your neighbor treats you.

Q. Ms. Sutton, Thank you for reading my question. To preface a bit, I have been a submissive male since I was very young, though I did not realize that at the time. Some of my earliest memories are of being under the control of an aggressive school teacher.

Jumping to the present! I work in a shopping mall. During my lunch and breaks, I tend to eat at the food court. My practice, here as in grocery stores, etc., is that if a woman is waiting behind me in line, I will offer her my place, to step ahead of me. First it is gratifying to me to offer this service, and second, I believe I have no right to occupy a place in front of a woman.

Believe me, I do not phrase this offer as "if you got in front of me I would get turned on". Generally I say that I'm in no hurry and would you like to move ahead. Also in the mall if a woman is overburdened with packages, I offer to carry them for her. Many times this is appreciated, especially by older women. And again, I just say I'm killing time on my lunch hour. The problem is, a lot of women seem to think I'm some sort of a weirdo by doing this. They look at me very strangely! Sometimes I will overhear them commenting about the "weird guy". Again, I make no overt suggestions, just say what I mentioned above. Am I doing wrong here, or saying the wrong thing?

A. I must say that I admire your attitude and what you are trying to do. Serving women can be fulfilling, be it within a D&S relationship or giving up your position in line at the mall. You are serving the female gender and trust me, what you give in life will come back to you. Keep serving women with a pure heart (not a lustful heart) and you will be appreciated.

I would advise that you be careful in how you serve women. Offering to carry their packages could be seen by some women as being intimidating. There are weird men out there who prey on women and who rape women. So the wise female guards herself and is aware of her surroundings. A strange man offering to carry her packages might send off a warning sign in her mind. Your motives are pure but she does not know that. She does not know that you are eager to serve. Men have mistreated women for centuries and thus you are penalized for the sins of other members of your gender. That penalty is to be viewed with skepticism.

Holding doors open, giving up your position in line, giving up your seat when none exists for a woman in a waiting room, and such acts of chivalry are wonderful gestures and I would encourage you to continue with that behavior. If women do not understand and think you are weird, don't blame them but blame the men who have caused women to be skeptical of genuine acts of kindness. Continue your servitude nonetheless because you know what your motives are and there will be plenty of women who will appreciate it. But I would cease acts like offering to carry packages or offering to walk a woman to her car. Part of servitude is to place yourself in the woman's shoes and to see a situation from her point of view. Ask yourself, "how will this act of kindness be perceived by a woman?"

You need to be careful not to infringe on her territory. Servitude is about making a woman's life better. Holding a door while she is carrying her packages, giving up your place in line, giving up your seat, and such acts of kindness will make a woman's life better. But to invade her territory may cause her unnecessary stress. So be careful. Also, make sure your appearance portrays an image that is non-threatening. Dress sharp, be clean and maintain proper hygiene. A man with a dirty tee-shirt and greasy hair will send off a negative image and will immediately cause a woman to put up a defense mechanism. But a well-dressed, neat and clean man portrays an image of someone who thinks highly of himself. Most women will view servitude from the positive male in a more favorable light.

Don't be discouraged. Learn from your experiences, make the necessary adjustments and keep on giving. Eventually your kindness will be returned to you.

Q. Dear Elise, I have formed an online 'relationship' with a male sub. I am new to being dominant but it has always been within me. I am to meet him upon his return from business in Boston. I have arranged a very public place-the railway station. He is to bring me flowers and fall to his knees before me when we meet and thank me for allowing him to meet me.

He has recently talked about being 'broken'. He says that he is strong and will need me to totally break him. I am trying to understand why someone would need such extreme domination in order to totally surrender.

He has been married and has two daughters. He said that he married for love but his wife did not want the same as him. They were married for 15 years and 10 of those he said he was unhappy- but never unfaithful.

I like your philosophy and would really welcome any help that you could give me about this situation. I feel that there is a very good chance we are for each other, but I want to do things out of love. It takes time to build up a relationship and I do not want to be 'used' to satisfy his submissive tendencies. He says that I am always on his mind and he cannot concentrate properly on his work.

A. You are absolutely correct, it does take time to build a relationship. I receive quite a bit of e-mail from women who have met a submissive man over the Internet and are seeking advice about how to proceed with a potential FemDom relationship. Most of the time, the woman is a novice about this lifestyle and it is the man who is controlling the situation. That is Ok in the beginning as it is usually the male who will introduce this lifestyle to a woman. We all were novices at one time.

You sound like you are a wise woman as you want to build a solid foundation before you engage in D&S activities. I applaud you for that and your approach should serve as an example to all women who meet a man in cyberspace. Some men will try to manipulate a situation in order to experience Domination without any real intent of forming a lasting relationship. To them, it is being dominated without having to pay a Professional. Meeting a woman over the Internet and trying to pressure her into engaging in immediate D&S is the motive of some men, so a woman needs to be on guard.

It is no different than meeting a man who is seeking a so-called vanilla relationship. It is the male nature to tell a woman what she wants to hear, just so he can get her in bed. Then once he gets sex, all of a sudden the excuses start about why he can't fulfill his promises of a lasting relationship. But the fact was he had no intention of forming a lasting relationship but was merely seeking a woman for sex.

Female Domination gives the woman the upper hand. Since the man has confessed he desires to be dominated, a wise woman will take charge by telling the man that she will decide when they will engage in D&S. The dominant woman will remind the man that he must prove he is worthy of her and he must prove his submission in the little things before she permits his submission in a more intimate arena.

In your case, I would tell this gentleman that he needs to prove he is worthy of you by first treating you like a Queen in the social before you permit any kind of activities in the sexual. Tell him that you are seeking to build the friendship first, and if you feel the two of you are compatible in the social, then you might be willing to explore his submissive nature with him in the sexual. A true submissive male who is seeking a dominant woman, will gladly agree to the woman's conditions. The man who is only looking for a sexual D&S encounter, will probably turn tail and run, and thus you are the better off.

This gentleman who wants to be broken by you obviously is seeking some intense D&S play. You need to tell him that you will only explore his desire to be broken within a long-term, committed relationship. I would make it clear that you expect obedience and servitude in the little areas of life first, and if (and only if) he proves to you that he is worthy of your time and attention, then you will explore his submissive nature in more depth. Always place the ball in his court.

Women need to understand that they have the power via their sexuality. Once they give up that power by having sex with a man on his terms, then they lose the upper hand. Female Domination is about the woman being served by the man. Never lose sight of this and always expect to be treated with respect and like a Queen. I wish you the very best and feel free to keep me informed.

Q. Dear Elise, I am a fan of your site but also must tell you that it really terrifies me. I've had a dominant mother all my life and was the younger brother of two sisters and my need/desire for female authority is rooted in those origins. Why I'm terrified of it is because it is a sexual desire I feel for female authority. And this leads to my question.

I am dating a wonderful girl who I love very much, but she is backward of what I want. Even though we haven't been intimate (on her request), her personality and devote religious background confirm me to believe that she is very submissive sexually and will be put off by anything other than a simple missionary position. And that would be fine with me. The real problem that I have with her is that she is very dominant emotionally and mentally. Anytime I disagree with her, it is a threat to our relationship.

Given the fact that I'm older and have opinions and beliefs, shouldn't she even consider them? All she cares about is what her Dad believes and what her family believes. It is like she wants me to become a perfect mold of her Dad. I want her opinion of what she thinks, and not what her Dad thinks. Does this make any sense? I hope so. I realize this isn't your typical question, but I thought that you might have insight into my problem. Thanks for you time.

A. First of all, since you are only dating this girl you need to realize that you do not have to marry her. It sounds like the two of you have some real issues to work through and I would highly encourage you to work through them before you made a lifelong commitment. If deep down you desire a woman who will dominate you in the bedroom and if your sexual desires toward FemDom are as strong as you claim, you need to weigh that as you evaluate this relationship.

You are obviously attracted to this woman because she is emotionally and mentally dominant and this turns you on in the sexual realm (within your subconscious). Of course you might be able to seduce her dominant nature through your genuine submission and she might surprise you and embrace FemDom as she matures. But for now she is still immature and that is why she is looking for a man who will be like her father. Everything she knows about manhood and men is based on her relationship with her father. It is natural for her to compare you to her father. But as she matures and becomes more experienced on her own as it relates to the opposite sex, she will discover male characteristics and male qualities that appeal to her that are different than those of her father. Your situation is rooted in a lack of maturity on her part and that is the risk you take in dating a young girl.

If her belief system and upbringing is that of one where she is greatly inhibited sexually, you need to realize that she may never embrace FemDom (at least not in the near future). What you must decide is can you obtain submissive fulfillment by submitting to her emotional and social needs exclusive of any sexual submissive fulfillment? There are many men who are dominated outside the bedroom but not inside the bedroom and some men find submissive fulfillment in this kind of a relationship. But if you need to be sexually dominated and feel that she can never offer you this, than you might want to seek another life partner. It would be better to be honest with her and yourself now than to have to deal with these issues after you are married.

If she wants a man like her father and that is not you, you will save you both a lot of future stress by being honest with her now. There are lots of different kinds of people out there so she would be much better off dating someone who shares her belief system (and that of her family) rather than trying to mold you into that belief system. If you were already married to her, than that would be different but you are under no obligation to her at this time. You must decide if she is the woman you want to submit to (which means becoming the man who can meet her needs no matter how those needs are expressed). If you cannot submit to her according to her needs (and those needs for now are for you to be the outward head of the relationship just like her father) then I would advise you to come to terms to the type of relationship you have and to be content in that relationship. But if you cannot fulfill her needs, it would be best for you both if you sought a relationship with a woman who was more open to your needs as you seek to fulfill her needs.

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