Play Safe: Questions about FemDom and Health Issues
Q. Elise, my husband has recently had some health problems. He had some heart and breathing problems and now he has to take things much easier. We love the female domination lifestyle, but should we continue with it since my husband is having health problems.
A. Absolutely. Just restrict your play to activity that he can handle. You might have to cut out some of the more strenuous activities, but I know men who have had quadruple bypass surgery who's wives still didn't let up on them. Domination is more of the mind than the body anyway. If he can still orally service you, use a vibrator or a dildo on you, if he can lay on a bed and receive your strap-on, and if he can still receive spankings and whippings, than I would say you are in good shape. None of these activities are very strenuous. Intercourse with the man on top is much more strenuous then any of these activities. So you are in better shape by being in a D&S relationship than if you were in a more traditional relationship.
Also, I know the urge will be there to nurture him back to health. That's good and by all means do so. However, be careful not to allow him to order you around. Stay on top of him. Maybe he can't do the physical chores that he once did, but I am sure he can still run a vacuum cleaner, do dishes, and other light chores. Stay as dominant as ever and continue to control him. Just exchange strenuous activities for lighter ones.
Q. Hi Elise, I was just reading your latest updates and that woman Pam brought something up I had also had misgivings about. She said that her husband wanted to clean her asshole with his tongue after she had a bowel movement. I have also wanted my husband to do this but I fear that he would get sick. Can it be done somehow that he wouldn't get sick? Maybe if he was careful not to swallow and rinsed his mouth out with a strong mouthwash afterwards? Also, how much urine can a man safely drink in a day? in a week? I'm sure medical doctors don't get these questions very often!
A. I would advise against the human toilet paper. Never engage in brown showers near a man's mouth or over any exposed cuts or wounds. Feces are loaded with germs that can make him ill. Feces carry parasites, bacteria and viruses. Make him wipe you with toilet paper if he wants to be your toilet slave but make sure he washes his hands afterwards.
Golden showers are perfectly safe as long as you both are healthy. I wouldn't recommend that he drink of your golden wine on a daily basis. Perform the majority of the golden showers over his body but it is Ok to allow him to drink and ingest your golden nectar on occasions. Urine is sterile and free from bacteria and viruses but it is still waste. Ingesting your golden nectar on occasion should be safe but I wouldn't recommend a daily diet of it.
Q. Mrs. Sutton, first of all thanks for a very informative web site. I have a comment related to general safety:
In the "Female slave appraiser/male slave" scenario there's a mention of eating dog food. While I appreciate the humiliation factor, dog food is not meant for human consumption, it contains a lot of bacteria totally harmless for dogs but that could make a human very sick. You may want to inform the couple who sent you this scenario. Thanks and best regard.
A. Thank you for this health tip. You are totally correct about dog food. I hope that the woman who sent that scenario to me was exaggerating about the dog food, but you never know. Some women really get into being dominant and some women really get into character when they role-play.
I would imagine that she was referring to making her husband eat people food out of a dog bowl but in her story she said dog food because that was part of her fantasy. However, it wouldn't surprise me if she did make him eat dog food. Some women make their husbands eat worse than dog food when they are dominating them. I warn people about the dangers of brown showers in the mouth but some ignore the dangers and still choose to engage in that risky behavior.
I will post your concern on my site so others can benefit from it. I totally agree with you. If a woman wants to humiliate her husband by treating him like a dog, it would be wise to make him eat people food out of the dog bowl.
Q. Are there any health risks in engaging in "Queening"? I think that my wife would really enjoy this, but I don't want to get a disease. You have addressed health issues with more extreme play in other Q&As, but the practice of Queening seems to be widely engaged in and recommended by you, with no mention of safety.
A. The biggest health risk with Queening is the same with breath play. I addressed this concern in my response to the recent Queening story in the Female Body Worship category of the Real Life Stories section. The woman must make sure that the man can breathe, as she should not cut off all of his air supply when sitting on his face. That is why I recommend hand signals when doing an activity where the man cannot easily speak.
The other risk factor is if the Queening takes place with a bare bottom and tonguing her hole is involved. Make sure that you only engage in bare bottom worship with a long-term partner who is healthy. She would be wise to thoroughly clean herself in and around her hole with anti-bacteria soap before Queening you. That is common sense.
If you want to be extra safe, you could use a dental dam when being Queened, as that would place a thin barrier between your mouth and her hole but she can still feel most of the pleasurable sensations. She can also wear pantyhose when she Queens you. That will make you work harder to please her and there will be that barrier between her and your mouth.
But if she is healthy and she cleans herself and you keep your worship to the rim of her hole, you should be in good shape. It is always possible for her to transfer unhealthy bacteria to you if the remains of a fecal deposit were in the outer regions of her hole. That is certainly possible but unlikely if she maintains good hygiene. After the Queening session you should practice good hygiene by rinsing your mouth out with Listerine and brushing your teeth. I am sure she would not want to kiss you after she's Queened you, until you have attended to your oral hygiene. Again, these are common sense suggestions.
Q. Elise, I enjoy some of your web site and look forward to the day that I find my own girlfriend/wife to serve worship and adore. I am a retired lifeguard (36 yrs old), but health & fitness is a large part of my life. I will always eat a balanced diet and exercise to maintain my body, stamina, and appearance.
I own a little BDSM toy box complete with two locking male chastity belts. I would consider myself a chastity belt enthusiast and look forward to my future wife/girlfriend becoming my key holder.
I recently read an article that stated that a man that had 100 orgasms per year was 36% less likely to die of a heart attack or stroke, than a man who did not. I also read an article on the web where some guys doctor stated that an average man at age 50 should have 2.5 orgasms per week to maintain a healthy prostate.
When my ex-girlfriend and myself played BDSM/chastity games the longest I was ever locked up was about 12 hours. I found being locked up erotic and exciting. The sex we had was always better after I had been locked up for a while (2-12 hrs). We used chastity as foreplay.
I guess the point I am making is men will worship women because they are beautiful, soft, sexy, they smell good ect... I believe BDSM/chastity games are fun and can enhance a relationship. Elise, you are a doctor of psychology and people listen to your advise. Do you really think you're being responsible in recommending women restrict orgasms to once or twice per month for their husbands just for effect? What they are actually doing is weakening the prostate and increasing the chances of a heart attack.
A.If you still have those articles, how about e-mailing them to me. I would be interested in reading them for research purposes. From what I understand about heart attacks and strokes, the major risk factors revolve around the following. Genetics and family history, Smoking, Stress and Mental health, and Diet and exercise. Diet and Exercise are the ones people can best control. A Doctor will ask about these a fore mentioned risk factors. I have never heard of a Doctor asking a man how many orgasms he has per week in order to diagnose his risk of heart attack or stroke.
If there is a correlation between the number of orgasms per week and the risk of heart attack or stroke, it would probably have to do with relieving a person's stress factor. Orgasms are great stress relievers on the body. However, so is exercise and so is being taken to subspace through FemDom. I doubt if the studies you read about examined orgasms from within a female domination relationship. Worshipping a woman, serving a woman, and being disciplined on a regular basis are all great stress relievers. I base this statement on the feedback that submissive men have given me over the years. Men have told me that they get more mental and even physical release from being dominated than they ever have from orgasms. In D&S, men can have sex without having orgasms. I doubt if these studies examined that possibility.
I have talked to a number of Doctors about male chastity and orgasm denial, and the feedback I have received is that there is no hard medical evidence linking prostate health to the frequency of male orgasms. In fact, one Doctor told me of a study that stated that men who did not masturbate and had limited orgasms were healthier and more productive. There was another study that stated that religious people (who are less likely to engage in masturbation or sex outside of marriage) had less strokes and heart attacks. This was due to better mental health and a positive outlook in life. There was just a study that stated that people who smile on a regular basis are less likely to have strokes or heart attacks. Again, a person's mental health being the key factor here.
I recommend occasional orgasms to clean out a man's plumbing. The frequency of these orgasms depends on each couple. Some dominant wives permit their husbands to have frequent orgasms and some allow frequent intercourse. I allow my husband about two orgasms per month. We have done this for years and he has had no problems with it. I know women who deny their husbands longer than that. Some women will milk their husband's prostate as they deny them. Then there are women who permanently deny their husbands. There is no right or wrong here but merely free people deciding upon the lifestyle they choose to live.
Most things in life carry risks. You will never be able to eliminate all risks. People who exercise, eat a healthy diet, don't smoke, and have lots of orgasms still suffer strokes and heart attacks. What these studies try to do is to inform people of possible risks and allow people to make the adjustments to their lifestyle, if they so choose. If the evidence would ever become irrefutable that orgasm denial caused health problems within submissive men, then of course most FemDom couples would make the necessary adjustments to their lifestyle. But no such firm evidence exists at this time. What we do know for sure is that you are better off not smoking, maintaining a positive outlook in life, exercising and eating a low fat diet. Doing these things are no guarantee but they will decrease your risk factors.
Thanks for the question and I hope you will meet a woman who can put those chastity devices to good use. But twelve hours is not chastity. Let her at least stretch your limits for a week. If you thought twelve hours was exciting and erotic, wait until you have been denied for an entire week. You will find out what passion and submission are all about.
Q. Dear Ms Elise, Thank you so much for your web page and for the information you provide and
the time you take to keep it updated regularly. I have found reading your site to be the most informative and intelligent information on Female dominance on the web.
My Wife and I ordered your procedures some time ago and we have had a wonderful time working thru them. I have never felt more excited by and in love with my Wife than I do now; and find that her confidence is growing every week both as a dominant and as a person in her every day life. My respect for her has grown along with my appreciation for being so lucky to be married to such a beautiful and loving Wife who loves to dominate.
I wanted to write to you about a health and safety issue. Because I have found that when I've been
denied orgasm over about seven to fourteen days and when my Lady is arousing me and teasing me coming up to the time that we may have some space for a playtime together; I find that the more aroused I become (and I'm talking about complete mental ecstasy and subspace from the things my Wife does and says) then I begin to develop a pain around the base of my penis and coldness in the testicles that I imagine may be my prostate becoming swollen from lack of release. The first time a woman dismissed my attentions in my teens I experienced a very similar sensation and a severe tightening of the sphincter from the excitement of her refusal.
It can get so uncomfortable that the eventual orgasm is purely a relief of the pain and is an oddly detached Sensation similar to peeing. This extreme discomfort has only happened twice and we've been living in a semi Femdom relationship with occasional orgasm denial for years.
I've seen the Doctor with regard to testicular abnormalities so I'm not bashful about asking her/him about it, I just wouldn't know how to explain that the pain only comes after extreme arousal and denial practiced over several days, as I wouldn't expect a doctor to understand why a couple would practice such a lifestyle voluntarily nor would I relish trying to explain it.
I just wanted to know if you had heard of this before, and if you had any words of advice about dealing with it.
A. Blue balls is very common among men. I cannot make a diagnosis about your situation since I am not a medical Doctor. If you have only experienced this discomfort on a couple of occasions when you are aroused and denied, then I wouldn't worry too much about it.
When a man becomes sexually aroused, blood flows into his penis and testicles (or balls). If he ejaculates, the blood flows out of his genitals more quickly than if he does not ejaculate. The discomfort men can feel when they have been sexually aroused but have not ejaculated is sometimes called "Blue Balls".
You may have noticed a distinct bluish tinge to your testicles after you are sexually aroused for several hours and the deep, uncomfortable ache that goes along with it. This is the result of pelvic congestion, when more blood and lymph flows into the genitals (during sexual arousal) than flows out; and, when it remains in the genitals for an extended period of time, then it can cause discomfort and aching. If there is no release, the area remains engorged. Without any outflow, men may feel slight discomfort in the testes, which are very sensitive to these kinds of changes. Some guys do not actually 'turn blue', but feel the discomfort.
Actually, it's not your testicles that are blue, it's the skin of the scrotum. When you're aroused blood flows not only to the penis, but to the entire area. The longer you stay aroused, the longer the blood stays there. Newer blood is red, but older blood, which has less oxygen, is darker red, but not really blue -- but that's why your testicles appear to contain more blue blood. There is fresh blood in there also, do not fear. Orgasm does alleviate blue balls. If there is no orgasm, however, the erection, blood flow and aches will subside. Letting the arousal simply fade out with rest or other non-sexual activity will also alleviate vaso-congestion. In addition, a cold or warm compress or shower can be used, as can an analgesic like ibuprofen or aspirin to alleviate the pain, or some simple physical activity like running, walking or other sports.
There is no evidence whatsoever that vaso-congestion (Blue Balls) does any physical harm. However, pain in the sexual organs or abdomen can be for may reasons, so if you find you have these sorts of symptoms outside of incidences in which you have been sexually aroused without orgasm, visit a doctor or urologist.
I would recommend a female doctor who is open minded. That way your confession to her about how your wife likes to tease and deny you could be an exercise in female domination and humiliation. A female doctor who is open minded would probably get a kick out of your arrangement. If you phrase it in the correct and non-graphic way about how your wife denies you because you are more attentive to her needs, I am sure a female doctor would not think that to be strange or unreasonable. Like I said, she would probably be impressed by your wife. But more importantly, she could set your mind at ease by checking your condition.
If you would not feel comfortable in confessing your lifestyle to a Doctor, then my suggestion is for your wife to come up with a schedule of more regular orgasms for you. She could give them in ways that are entertaining for her and humiliating for you, which would keep the female domination aspects involved.
Other things you could try, take Saw Palmetto herb or a good men's prostate health supplement. Above all, get your prostate examined on a regular basis. That is important rather you suffer from Blue Balls or not.
Q. Dear Mrs. Sutton, I would like to ask you a question regarding the so-called "brown showers". You had mentioned in your answers that you considered that practice really unsafe. For some people it may be a very intensive experience, so I just would like to know why it is so unsafe? Is it really a dangerous activity even if it is done between a wife and husband who are both healthy? Thank you in advance for your answer.
A. Yes, it is very risky to ingest the stool of another person. A brown shower is the humanly waste of another person and it contains harmful bacteria. At minimum, it can make a person ill in their digestive system and cause nausea or diarrhea. At worst, it can cause Hepatitis and other liver or kidney diseases.
Obviously, the healthier the people involved, the less the risk. Likewise, the less frequent this activity is engaged in, the less the risk for serious illness. However, it is very risky behavior. You might get away with it once or twice without getting ill but if you engage in this activity on a regular basis, you are flirting with disaster.
My question to you is this. No matter how exciting you find this activity, is it worth your health or your life? Is your health or your life worth an intense sexual experience? It is Ok to have this fantasy and there are ways to engage in some forms of the brown shower fantasy in a safe and sane manner. However, it is not safe to orally consume the stool of another person, be she a beautiful and healthy woman or not.
Q. Dear Ms Sutton, Thank you for taking the time and effort to share your expertise and experience with us all. My wife and I have both learned and grown thanks to your site. You usually take great care to ensure people practice FemDom safely, both physically and psychologically.
I wonder therefore if I could point out a concern that I had about a letter in the March Q& A's regarding a teasing challenge using a mirror, in which a man was chained to the ceiling by his scrotum while his wife left the house for several hours. This seemed to me to be intrinsically unsafe. What if he lost his balance, or fainted? What if there was a house fire or burglary?
May I suggest that this devilishly delicious challenge could be rendered much safer by fastening him to the ceiling by a string, ribbon or very thin chain, which would be strong enough to not break under normal circumstances (and so provide indisputable evidence of disobedience), but which would not pose a hazard in an emergency. If the lady wished to have more security, perhaps She also could chain his ankle(s) to a point near the floor, and then either stay in the house, or provide an emergency key in a sealed envelope if She wished to go out? Best wishes.
A. Point well taken and I couldn't agree more. My site is not only educational but also entertaining. I feel I have pointed out to people in great detail the importance of using common sense and the importance of being safety conscious when engaging in D&S activities. I sometimes like to go with the flow of a question or a story for the excitement and entertainment value. Therefore, I will not always stop to point out the obvious need to be safety minded. That is a given.
The woman who submitted that technique is established enough in the lifestyle that she understands the potential dangers and you can rest assure that she would never place her husband at risk. I am confident that she takes all necessary precautions and I am sure her husband has an emergency way of escape should that be necessary. But thank you for pointing this out. It never hurts to be reminded about the importance of staying rooted in reality when engaging in D&S activities. Like I stated in an earlier question, accidents can happen so we all need to make sure that we plan for the worst while we have fun and enjoy the best.