Real Life Stories - Entries for July 2009

From Jim F:

Dear Ms. Sutton: I'm sure you've been told this many times before: You've changed my life! I now have a loving and fulfilling relationship for the first time in my life and you can take the most credit for it.

I am a 50 year old man who up to just a few years ago never had a lasting romantic relationship. I'd meet a wonderful girl and go out with her on dates, even go steady and then as if by a curse I do something totally stupid that would end the relationship! I am a very agreeable person and people who know me have told me how sweet, sensitive and considerate I was. Yet, I would suddenly turn nasty toward a girlfriend for no apparent reason. As a matter of fact, one girlfriend took my abuse and swallowed her pride trying to save the relationship. And what did I do? I verbally abused her, something which I've never done before or since. She could not take it of course and left. She told me there was something wrong with me and I'd do well to see a therapist.

I cried profusely when she left as I realized the treasure of a human being I let go! I finally decided she was right; I needed professional help. I went to see a therapist who specialized in relationship counseling. Her office was in my neighborhood. In addition to being a beautiful woman, she was very professional, patient with me and listened to me pour out my problems with genuine interest. Each session I'd tell her about one relationship. She wanted to know the details of everything we did and I recalled it all.

Then one session she told me she has a pretty good idea why I've been a failure in romance and that she wants to test her theory. She pulled out a file and started to ask me a series of questions. By the end of the session which ran overtime, she told me the reason for my unhappy life. She said "You subconsciously want to worship a woman and consciously refuse to do so!" What a powerful summary of the problem! I didn't know what "worship a woman" meant but I immediately felt that was the truth.

Now that the problem has been diagnosed, I wanted to know how to fix it. She told me I should educate myself on female domination and female supremacy, female led relationships and the concept of loving female authority. I had never before heard anything of the sort. She gave me a list of books to buy and web sites to visit. Your site was at the top of the list. As I read your philosophy, your readers questions and stories and your replies to them, I started to feel that I'm finally home! I now know what will make me happy: become the slave husband of a dominant woman who loves me.

I set out to do just that. I made it a point to tell every lady I dated as early as possible about my desire to submit to her and ask her what she thought of it. In the beginning I was very embarrassed to do so and my face would turn red as a lobster. The reactions I got were not very encouraging. They ranged from a giggle to a furious verbal assault and calling me names. I had decided that I would not let anything discourage me from pursuing my dream woman, so I swallowed my pride and moved on.

Then it finally happened about six months ago. I met a beautiful brunette who works as a secretary for a company I was interviewing for but decided to work for another company. We dated regularly and clicked. On the fourth date I decided to tell her even though I knew I was risking losing a wonderful woman. Her reaction was quite different. She looked at me like a mommy looks at her baby! She asked me a lot of questions about the nature of submission I'm offering her. I really didn't know since I had never before played any femdom games, but I told her about the femdom practices that turn me on when I read about them or see images and videos depicting them. She had the dreamiest smile on her face as I told her my fantasies. She told me that if we decide to become a femdom couple that it means she would be the boss, that I have to do as she says, that I'd be doing a lot for her and may or may not get anything in return. I said I'd love that even though I didn't know for sure that I would!

We played a number of femdom games for a short while and she would ask me a lot of questions after each game. What I liked, what I hated, what was going through my mind, what I would change if I could, etc. Then one day she told me that she now wanted me to move in with her and be her live-in slave and that if I did a good job at serving and pleasing her that she may consider marrying me. I had not yet brought up the subject of marriage but was going to. She said that if I fail that I shouldn't panic; she would train me to do better but that would involve punishment that may at times be painful. I knew she was the woman for me and therefore would agree to anything she said.

She wasn't fooling around. She tested and stretched my limits to things I would have never imagined I'd do. Sex is primarily about Oral worship (as she calls it) with me orally worshipping her. It is the way we make love most of the time and if I fall short of pleasing her I receive discipline. I do most of the house work and chores and she keeps me in a chastity device for days at a time. We do have regular sex but like everything else only when she wants it.

I'm happy as a clam and what's even better is that she is too. She told me she's happy with me and pleased with my service to her so much so that she decided to marry me and she set a wedding date. My life is finally coming together after being a waste all these years. I don't know how to begin to thank the four women who made it possible: The girlfriend who told me I needed help, the therapist who discovered my problem and prescribed a medicine for it, you Ms. Sutton for making these concepts so easy to understand and my stunningly beautiful future wife. I've been blessed.

Elise’s Response:

Jim, your life was not a waste as long as you learned from your experiences and made that quality decision to better yourself. I appreciate those nice words about me and my site but I think those other women deserve the credit, especially your therapist and your fiancé. I have had a number of therapists, marriage counselors and even Pastors contact me about how they recommend my site and my books to their clients because they know that certain couples can benefit from embracing the female domination lifestyle. I am just glad that there are finally some great resources out there (from a variety of sources) for couples to explore FemDom in an intelligent and realistic manner.

Jim, you took some risks coming out early to women about what you were seeking in a partner but your honesty finally paid off as you have met a woman who will balance out your need to worship a woman with her need to be worshipped by a man. Now you have a relationship that is a win/win relationship. Always maintain the attitude that she is a blessing and you can’t go wrong. I wish you both the very best.

From Jane C:

Dear Elise, This is all new to me and I know nothing about this subject except what I have read on the net and would like some advice please.

I met my husband, Colin, in October 2000 in a nightclub near my home – he lived some way away and as I lived at home I started visiting him. He had his own house and things were very much on his terms as I would come up and we would go out with his friends. He liked to be in control and introduced me to spanking games – putting me over his leather chair and paddling me quite hard – when we were in bed together he would often say I should “do as I’m told”, I was 32 and he was 36. He had had two previous long term relationships and been in control in both. I had been in a previous relationship where the guy who was controlling so knew the signs! Still, we got on well and within no time we were sleeping together and he was telling me he loved me.

Then, in December, he told me he was a transvestite. It was a bit of a shock, he had told his former girlfriend and she had reacted very badly. We continued dating and he showed me photos etc, I looked on the Net and found out about it and gradually got used to the idea, though I set him three rules if I was to accept it;

1.he wasn’t to shave

2.he could only dress with my permission/knowledge – not in secret

3.I would buy his clothes.

He accepted that and occasionally would dress at his house when I was up and stopped shaving. He had some friends who ran a bridal shop and I came with him and helped him choose a bridesmaids dress. He explained that when he was in the male role he was more masculine as he didn’t want people to find out – hence he had always dated submissive women.

Then, in February 2001 I saw a job in my area which he could do which was promotion. He went for it and got it! That meant he had to sell his house, put his stuff in storage and move in with my parents. Suddenly the balance of the relationship changed. It was my friends he saw – not his. I started buying him male clothes on my frequent shopping trips with my mum and generally updating his wardrobe. Occasionally, I would buy him female clothes like knickers etc and I loved the fact he was wearing them and no one else knew. He bought me a black leather skirt which I wore for him. We got engaged in October 2001 and by April had found our own house. It needed a lot of work but I saw the potential and we bought it. We decorated it to my taste in furnishings and moved in August – my first home. Colin had a lot of his things but I didn’t like them so we bought all new furniture and his things were relegated to the shed or got rid of!

Living together meant I took control in other areas – every morning I would get him a shirt and tie out to wear to work and whenever we went out I would lay the clothes he was to wear out on the bed – by this time I was buying all his clothes – I didn’t think of it as being in control because my mum did the same for my dad – even though he likes to think he is the boss of the house. I started buying him more female clothes too and we even went back to his home town and bought a wedding dress – I loved the way the two women who ran the shop casually put him in dresses which we had chosen. All this time, whenever we made love he would say he was in control, even if he was dressed which I occasionally allowed – and to be honest I never thought much about me controlling the relationship, however, I noticed that I was making a lot of the decisions: buying the house and then organizing the wedding which I’d planned for December 2002, really made me realize that Colin was not as “in control” as he liked to think. He did nothing for either. Everything about our wedding day was organized by me including the gold knickers he wore to match my gold dress!

Then, just before our wedding, we had to buy two new cars. We visited a local dealer and I choose the two cars with very little input from Colin. I have to say at this stage that I work with children and I am a bit bossy!

Sexually we would do mutual masturbation and he would tell tales of being in control with former girlfriends. How he used to choose what they wear and make them wear leather which he liked. Then he went on his stage night back to his old town and met two girls he used to know. He came back very late on the Sunday. I was furious – he had not phoned at all. I made him wear a PVC skirt I had bought him and later in the evening whacked him quite hard with a leather paddle (the same one he had used on me) – it got rid of my frustration.

We married, he planned the hotel we stayed at in Paris but I didn’t like it so we moved. Things carried on as normal, I would do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing and food shopping and his only chore was to wash up. I bought all his clothes and choose them for him – I was a bit of a mummy wife.

Working term time only I had a lot of time on my hands over the summer of 2003 and realized I didn’t like our house (due to a busy road). I persuaded Colin that we should sell. We put the house on the market in September, but took it off, I was still unsettled so in January 2004 we put it on again and sold it straight away. I wanted to move back to my hometown – nearer to my parents – and that’s what happened in July 2004. Again I choose the décor of our new house.

The we were on a weekend break with some friends, I saw a blanket box I really liked and phoned Colin who was down the pub with my friend’s boyfriend; I asked home if we could buy it. He said no. Back in the hotel we had a blazing row. However, the following week I suggested we visit a furniture shop near where we used to live. We did. I bought a more expensive blanket box. Colin had given in. Then there were two incidents over money. Firstly, I asked him to draw out some money for our holiday from the savings account. He drew it out but spent some at lunchtime. I was furious. We used to go walking every evening and I walked off and left him and wouldn’t speak all evening. Then we had some spare money and I asked him to pay it at lunchtime. He said, ”what’s the point, we’ll only spend it.” We had a row and I threw the notes at him. I was really surprised how annoyed I felt that he would not do as I wanted! Finally we had a weekend break at the coast (I like my home and we tend to go away for weekends rather than 2 week holidays). That night Colin admitted that he thought I was in control and part of him quite liked it.

Over the next few days we debated the issue. Colin explained that the “TV thing” made him more macho as he thought he had something to prove but with me – as I understood and helped the transvestism he did not have to prove anything and I could be in control when he was dressed but when he wasn’t he would be in control! I wasn’t happy with that and said it was all or nothing. I had gotten used to making decisions and found I really liked it.

One day as we were driving along he said he would get his ab curler out of my brother’s lock-up. I said, “No you are not, I’m not having the third bedroom turned into a gym!” he accepted that! He even wrote me a letter to say he liked me putting my foot down with him and wanted me to be in control. So that is how things have gone, though I do all the housework, I book all the holidays and we do what I want to do over the weekend. If he books something up it is likely to change – for example he has booked up horse racing which he likes and then I have changed my mind and we’ve not gone - that’s happened at least three times.

We even went camping with his brother. I didn’t like camping but agreed to do it. It was raining so after the second day I told them both we were going home and we went! Obviously living near my parents means we see them a lot and book holidays etc with them. One time my mum, dad and I booked a place for the weekend. My mum said, “Tell Colin,” but of course I didn’t until it was booked and then I showed him the hotel on the Internet and said the four us were staying there on 3rd and 4th – you should have seen his face! I loved it! The feeling of being in control was such a strong feeling and something new to me. I know I’m a bit of a control freak, I’m very house proud and like the house to be just so.

On another occasion we went away with my mum and dad and he had a row with dad and stalked off to bed. When I came to bed I gave him a tongue lashing and made him apologize which he did.

Recently we had the bathroom changed. Of course I picked the colour scheme and everything. We were walking through a DIY store and he got a bit short as I wasn’t letting him choose a cabinet. I had to take him to one side and have a quite word.

“Look, you know I’m in control, I choose, you can have your say but I choose.” He accepted that.

Sexually we often mutually masturbate rather than have penetrative sex which I prefer. I decide what we do at the weekend, when we visit his family and when we go out to gay clubs and he can dress as a woman. He likes to go out shopping dressed and we did this a few times but I was uncomfortable so now I just drop him off and he goes for a walk and I have a coffee in a shop. We did this on Valentine’s Day. I choose all his outfits of course – including his wig and do his make-up. He once said to me,

“I’m under your thumb, aren’t I?”

I didn’t even need to reply. We don’t argue though. I’ve really found the relationship I want – and I never even knew I was looking for it. I have spanked him a couples of times over me knee but more sexual than in anger – these are things I want to develop.

If friends phone me up I can make dates without consulting him. Whereas my friends will say “I’ll ask Ian or Kevin” I just make a date. If Colin asks what’s happening I say “don’t interfere” or that he “doesn’t need to know,” and he accepts that now. I arranged for friends to come around and don’t consult with him or arrange for us to go to dinner at mum’s without consulting with him. If we go away I pack the case and decide what clothes he will wear.

On New Years Eve, Colin, his brother and I went to Bournemouth (I choose) for a party in a hotel, during the day we were shopping – and had an ironic situation where I bought him a coat – whilst he was waiting outside the shop! I also bought him some ladies boots. Being in control works, it feels nice and I thoroughly recommend it but where do I go from here? Sometimes I feel a bit guilty about saying “no” to Colin. I’ve got feelings that I would like to dress him up as a baby in a diaper which I have shared with him – I like that idea, I’ve tried a grievance book but it’s never got off the ground.

But what really prompted this letter is that the other week he said I was “bossy” and a “bully”. I wouldn’t let him join a race horse club. I got annoyed told him to burn the letters he had written saying he likes me to be dominant and that I’d stop treating him like a child. Later, he apologized and I came around and we’re now back to “normal” though he can blow hot and cold on this issue. The Jeanie is out the bottle though as I love being in control, on Saturday we were going out and bought him a new shirt and tie. He said he didn’t want to wear the tie. I said, “Look, you don’t have to wear the tie but if I wanted you to, you would.”

Every now and again I have to remind him that I am in control and he can be a bit cheeky but he knows I’ll make the final decision like on the kitchen which I’m looking to change. Our relationship is very loving and we’re very happy but I would like to spank him more often and also make sure I’m the boss always, I feel we are feeling our way at the moment, what would you suggest?

Elise’s Response:

Jane, what I would suggest is that you just keep doing what you are doing. You and your husband are growing together as a couple and there will be some ups and downs along the way but as long as you communicate with each other and always love and respect each other, you will continue to experience growth in your roles.

I think it is wonderful how you are accepting of his desire to occasionally dress up in women’s clothing and I think it is marvelous how you both have realized that he needs to be under the control of a woman who loves and respects him. What was lacking from his other relationships was the female domination element because deep down he didn’t want to be in control. His controlling ways and his experimenting with being dominant with you was his way of compensating for his desire to be feminized. It was like two forces within him in conflict with each other but deep down he wanted to be in the submissive role and you have put much of his internal strife to rest by seizing control of the relationship. I hope he realizes how fortunate he is to have found you.

He will still have some internal struggles, most men do, and therefore he may revert back to some old habits but as long as you stay firm with him and don’t back down to him, he will gratefully assume the submissive role because that is where he wants to be. The male ego may rear its ugly head from time to time but the male submissive nature is stronger and will win out when confronted with a dominant woman.

So continue to celebrate life and continue to enjoy each other. And by all means spank him more often (in a loving manner) and encourage him to explore your desire to engage in some Infantilism play with him. After all, you have been accepting of his desire to be feminized in both private and in public. He needs to return that open mindedness to you by exploring Infantilism play with you. Who knows, it may open the door for a new level of intimacy where you two will bond together in a deeper way, and it may give you a new level of dominance over him that will assist him in surrendering more of himself over to your loving hands. Best wishes!

From Kristen S:

Hi Elise: I enjoyed reading your thoughtful and perceptive response to the question about Queening in a recent Q&A. I have little doubt that Queening has its risk factors just like any other form of B&D play but I have been Queening my husband for all twelve years of our marriage and we have had no problems. Like you and your hubby, we practice good hygiene and take all precautions to assure that our Queening play is safe and sensible. I love to Queen him and he loves to be Queened by me. It is by far our favorite Femdom endeavor.

I thought you and your readers might be interested in this site, www.queensandkings.biz. I purchased a Queening chair from them (model 09 – picture below on left) and we are having fun with it (at least I am).  These chairs are great for receiving a prolonged rim job from your hubby. They also are great for ass worship, smother play, and certain varieties of toilet play (if you are into that sort of thing and if you take all health precautions).

I also enjoyed the enema equipment pictures you shared. I have the exact same equipment. I got mine from www.uniquemedicaltoys.com. Go under the link for enema equipment and you will see the aluminum heat retention enema nozzles and the three liter black pumpkin-style enema bag. They sell the enema bag and the aluminum nozzle as a package but I should mention that the enema bag is open top so it is meant to be hung on an elevated hook when administering the enema. You can’t lay this bag down or else water will go all over the place.

We recently had a wild session utilizing both the enema equipment and the Queening chair. I have a rubber mat that my hubby constructed for me and I made him lie face down on the mat. The mat has hooks on the edge of each corner. Once he was face down on the mat, I attached his wrist and ankle restraints to the mat hooks so he was immobile. After that I inserted the aluminum butt plug enema nozzle, hooked up the enema equipment, attached the hose to the butt plug, and than filled him slowly and steadily with the warm enema water, all the while I gently caressed his back and his buttocks.

The warm water heated up the aluminum butt plug so he got numerous sensations. His experience began as sensual and pleasurable but soon the experience became a little uncomfortable and eventually it became unpleasant. Once he was filled with the enema water (maybe 2 quarts, maybe a little less), I loosened him from the rubber mat and kept the snug butt plug in place, took him to the room that houses our Queening chair and I secured him to the chair so his head was only inches below the seat.

I removed my panties and took my seated position on the Queening chair. He was forced to hold in the enema waters while he orally serviced my ass whilst I was pushing on his bloated stomach with the soles and sharp heels of my leather boots. When I was satisfied (he was begging me, practically crying for release) I took him back to the bathroom, tied him facedown on the mat, and much to his dismay I gave him another half quart of water. Subsequently I freed his hands, rolled him over on his back and pressed some more on his bloated stomach with my boots. He was definitely in discomfort but he never used his safe signal or his safe word (which we always use during intense sessions) so I knew he was up to the challenge. I finally allowed him to relieve himself but not before I relieved myself in his mouth by giving him a golden shower.

It should be noted that not every B&D session we have is that extreme or complex, in fact most of the time we just use the Queening chair for sensual rim jobs (he always gives and I always receive). All the same, I wanted to share that experience with you and share those web sites with your readers so they will know where they can obtain this equipment. No Femdom couple should be without a Queening chair.

One last note, Elise. I loved the picture of the enema equipment hanging in the padded room that you featured in your Real Stories. I am not a current subscriber to Predominant but I would love to see more pictures of the padded room that this couple uses in their Femdom play. Is there any chance you could send them to me or do I have to subscribe to Predominant to see them?

Elise’s Response:

Thank you, Kristen, for sharing your experience, your toys/equipment and the websites where you purchased your toys/equipment. I was aware of both these sites and there is an article on the history of Queening on the Queens and kings site that some may find interesting. I have been told that those Queening chairs are very well made but if you are located in America you need to know that the prices will be more expensive due to the current exchange rate.

Nevertheless, if a couple is going to engage in Queening on a regular basis, it would be well worth investing in a quality Queening chair where both the Woman and the man will be fairly comfortable. And of course always play safe when utilizing a Queening chair.  Kristen is indeed wise to afford her husband the use of a safe signal.

Finally, you do have to subscribe to Predominant 2006 and 2008 to read about Ashley and Jack’s rubber room, as well as seeing their pictures. But here’s a few more for your enjoyment. Take care!

*** Note - More Real Life Experiences in the July/August 2009 Edition of "Predominant". Ashley and Jack's journal is featured in Predominant 2006 and 2008.

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