The Greatest Sex Organ: Questions About the Psychology of Female Domination and D&S desires
Q. Elise, I enjoyed your website immensely! It has encouraged and inspired me to tap into my repressed dominant energies. But, where do I go from here? I am interested in learning more about your other procedures and any other guidance you can give me. I have met a submissive man and I immediately loved the little boy in him. He told me many horror stories of the horrendous things his mother put him through as a child. My heart went out to him. He truly touched my soul!
He calls me "Mommy" and wants me to treat him as his mother did. I know he should seek counseling. He told me he has several times. But he has given up on that idea, and just wants me to be his Domme. He hates his manhood and he wants me to humiliate the man out of him. I need some instruction here. I am not a mean person, nor do I want to become one. I am a very affectionate person, so I told him that in order for me to punish him, I must also comfort and love him.
I am going to pursue this relationship. He has become that important to me. He is a romantic man and very sensitive. I truly feel our souls are connected in the most beautiful way. I know I am superior to him, but don't always find it easy to act on. How can I continue on my growth as a Superior woman and be more dominant and humiliating toward this man?
A. I think you have the right outlook about this. You need to balance the domination and the humiliation of this man with loving and nurturing. His negative experiences with his mother are probably what have triggered these desires within him. When a person has a physical wound in their flesh, it is both pleasurable and painful for it to be touched. Scabs tend to itch and the desire is there for it to be scratched. The same goes with an emotional wound or hurt. A man's sexuality is formed during his childhood and his relationship with female authority figures, especially a mother, has a major impact on that sexuality. Many times a man who has been mentally abused as a child can only get aroused through being verbally abused or humiliated. What may seem cruel to you is actually pleasurable for him, if done within a sexual setting. To call an emotionally hurt man a negative name during everyday living may only wound him and cause him to withdraw or become angry. However to call this same man the same negative name in asexual setting may indeed excite him and get him aroused. So keep this in mind.
You want to "hurt" him emotionally as you dominate him and humiliate him. You want to touch those emotional scabs because he desires for them to be touched. This is what fulfills him sexually. However, after you have had an intense "scene" with him, it is important that you hold him, kiss him, and love him. Allow him to see that the female authority figure is caring, loving, and nurturing. "Mommy" may punish all wrong doings severely but she also gives lots of hugs and kisses afterward. This affection will help those scars to heal. His sexuality will always desire this kind of humiliation and punishment but after he has been healed by your love, the memories of the root cause of these wounds will cease to hurt. Your domination and love can bring peace and contentment to those past negative experiences.
As far as how do you continue to grow as a dominant woman? It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job so far. Relax and allow your growth to occur naturally. Be open minded about new ideas and as you dominate this man or any other man, allow your dominant energy to freely flow from you. Allow that Tigress to come out. Above all, just be yourself. If you are an affectionate person, then allow that part of you to mesh with your aggressive and dominant side. A woman is both strict and loving. She is the punisher and the healer.
Q. Elise, I have read a lot about submissive men but have not come across the ideas that seem to be at the heart of my current boyfriends cravings. He needs to be told that I do not LOVE him and that I do not NEED him. He has opened up about his submissive desires and I have embraced this lifestyle. Since I have, he says that it is the best sex of his life. It also has released something in me that had been dormant most of my life and it has set me free. Yet, he will not make a commitment to either me or this relationship. From your experience, is this typical of submissive men? From what I have read, aside from the unworthiness insinuated by these statements, this particular need seems to be atypical. It feels more like commitment phobia. Is there a correlation between commitment phobia and submissive men?
A. It is common for a submissive man who is into humiliation to desire to hear mean and
even hateful comments during sex or a "scene". However, it is rare for a man to want to hear from the woman that he loves, "I do not love you". That is not humiliation play, in my opinion, but rather it sounds like he is trying to push you away from him because he wants to be used by a woman that has no feelings for him. This relieves him from any responsibilities and commitments that a loving relationship entails. It seems that he wants you to be the fulfillment of his D&S fantasy but he is not interested in a loving relationship.
Why he is not interested in a loving relationship is another question. Perhaps he has some hurts from a past relationship with a woman that he loved and he has built a barrier around his emotions so that no woman can ever get that close to him again. He still enjoys having sex with a woman but only if she doesn't have any romantic feelings for him. That way there is no way she can break his heart. Another possibility is that he doesn't feel worthy of love. I doubt that this is the case with him but it is a possibility. What do you know about his childhood? Any severe negative events happen to him that might have made him feel unworthy of love? The final possibility is that he is a loner that is scared to make a commitment. This type of man is afraid of responsibilities and commitment. If this is true, it would also show up in other areas of his life. Does he jump around between careers or jobs often? This would be a sign of a man that is afraid of commitment and responsibility.
To answer your other question, No, there is no correlation between lack of commitment and submissive men. Most submissive men desire to have a loving relationship with a dominant woman. As a matter of fact, they desire to surrender control of their lives over to a woman and this takes a lot of trust. There is an intense bonding between a submissive and his Dom that transcends a vanilla relationship. A submissive man actually becomes dependent on the Dominant woman as he surrenders his ego and his will over to her.
This takes even more commitment than a vanilla relationship. The submissive male may enjoy the
feeling of being humiliated and desire to be broken by the dominant female but only if his brokenness leads to the peaceful feeling of surrender. The dominant woman breaks the male down but than she loves and nurtures him once he surrenders to her will. Humiliation is a tool the woman uses to transport the male into "sub space", a place of peace and helplessness that he desires. I call this place the "submissive zone". Most men are looking for a D&S experience that will transport them to this zone. A man must trust the woman as he enters into "sub space". There he is most vulnerable. Only in a relationship that is built upon trust and love can these D&S experiences enjoy such intensity and fulfillment.
Until your boyfriend is willing to open himself up and trust a woman to draw close to him, he will never truly experience the fulfillment of his submissive desires. He sounds like the type of man that will cause you much frustration and heartache as he is constantly pulling away from you as you are trying to draw closer to him. You deserve much better. If he is unable to make the kind of commitment that you desire, than you need to forget about him and find yourself a submissive man that will treat you like the Queen that you are.
Q. Elise, my nineteen year old son is engaged to be married to a twenty-two year old woman. I accidentally found out that they are going to have a female domination marriage with my son in total submission to her. (Details are on the Real Life FemDom Stories section). I wish I knew what drove men to this, why would anyone want to give up power to anyone else so completely?
A. Men, like your son, desire to submit to a woman. Actually, it is the number one sexual fantasy of all men. There is something within a male that causes him to have these desires. I believe that males are born with this desire and I also believe that this desire is enhanced through his childhood experiences with his female authority figures. A male is carried in the womb of a woman, he is birthed into this world by a woman, he is nurtured at the breasts of a woman, he is disciplined by the loving hands of a woman, and he is loved and comforted by a woman. There is a special bond between a young boy and his mother. Part of this is sexual. The little boy has his wee wee cleaned and touched by adult female authority figures. Most of the time, a young boy is spanked by adult female authority figures. This is all very natural and very healthy. This stirs submissive desires within young boys. When they reach adolescence, a lot of boys begin to experiment with their sexuality, as they are curious and drawn to the female and her beauty and her mysterious ways. As they read books or watch movies, certain images will touch their sexuality, as their true nature will come forth. That is what happened with your son as he read those books. He was born submissive, his childhood experiences further enhanced his submissive desires, and finally when he read about male submission it all kind of clicked and he discovered that this was his sexuality.
Not all men are like your son. Not every man has such strong submissive desires. I believe that all men have the potential to be submissive but this desire is not as strong in all men. As men mature, they will become aware of a desire to submit to women. It may not be as extreme as your son's but it will be expressed in other ways. I believe that there is an evolutionary process in society and as time goes on, women will be in charge. I see it happening all around me. I teach a class at the local University and I am amazed at how confident and aggressive young women are today and how meek and submissive young males are. I am also amazed at how much more intelligent women are as the females score higher in my class than the males. I have talked to other teachers and professors and they all tell me how girls are out performing boys in college. Boys score better in Mathematics as they are wired to excel in this area. Mathematics and Science are the only subjects where boys do better. Women are out performing males in every other area. Women are becoming more dominant and men are becoming more submissive.
In time, women will be in charge. It is a process and it does not happen over night. Here in America, one hundred years ago very few women were educated and women were not even allowed to vote. Now they are out achieving men in the colleges and Universities and they are gaining power in business, politics, and every major arena. At this growth rate, where will women be a hundred years from now? I say they will be in control. Men see women gaining in power and this scares some men but it excites other men. As men see women becoming confident and aggressive, this causes that submissive nature in men to stir and it causes them to desire to submit to women. That is why the Professional Dominatrix is so popular today. Men want to be sexually dominated by women as they see women gaining in power. Again, it is a natural evolution of things. The male gender has been in charge long enough. Now it is time for the female to run the show. I believe that marriages will be happier where the wife rules the husband. I believe that the male will be happy and fulfilled when he surrenders over himself to a woman. I believe that the new woman wants to be in charge as she has seen men screw things up long enough. Women are better equipped to lead.
Q. Elise, I love my husband and I want to improve our intimacy and our love life. I have read over your site and while I got excited about what you had to say, I found a lot of what you wrote a little hard to picture myself doing, especially degrading him verbally. I come from an abused background specifically my birth mother and don't necessarily feel comfortable with some of this.
I think that it can be fun however to try. I can't promise to do all of it, especially all at once but I will give it a try. I have a husband who is incredibly smart, sweet, loyal, and loving. I am with my husband now and admittedly, our sex life hasn't been that exciting or as exciting as I think it can be. When he first told me he was into fetish stuff, at first I panicked and thought he was gay. I was into pretty normal sex, just fun and spontaneous. I know I have the best husband in the world and that to keep the marriage interesting, especially sexually, we need to get more creative. As a child I used to wonder why older people were so kinky, now I think I understand. Thanks for your time.
A. I think it is wonderful that you have decided to give this a try. Most women are naturally hesitant at first to try something that is perceived as being "kinky". However, once a woman overcomes her inhibitions she ends up loving the female domination lifestyle and her sex life enjoys a fresh level of excitement as well as a newly found feeling of liberation and sexual freedom. I am constantly amazed at how many women start out real apprehensive and timid but over time become very confident and bold about D&S and Female Domination. Some women have told me that they could never go back to how their sex life and relationship was before they discovered this lifestyle and this expression of their sexuality.
The key is to take things slow and just enjoy husband and your sexuality. There are many different activities within the D&S and Female Domination communities and you do not have to embrace them all. Experiment with different things and only incorporate into your marriage and sex life that which you enjoy and that which excites you. Those activities that you do not enjoy or feel you can't embrace for whatever the reasons, well then just leave those things alone. Try to stay open-minded and try to experiment. What you will be looking for is those activities and those things that touch your husband's submissive nature and those activities and things that stir your dominant nature. Each couple is different and that is why there is such a wide variety within the D&S community. For example, if you discover that your husband has a real leather fetish and that the sight of a woman wearing leather excites him and causes him to feel submissive, well then you may want to wear some leather outfits to explore this fetish within him. Likewise, if he would respond to some verbal humiliation and if such play causes him to feel sexually excited and submissive, then you may want to experiment with it.
As a Psychologist, I am fully aware of abuse and how to some people such play may not be appropriate. That is why there must always be open and honest discussions between a Dominant woman and her submissive man. I only recommend such intense play within a sexual setting and only if the submissive responds to such play. The greatest sexual organ is the brain and a lot of D&S is played more within the mind than on the body. Role-playing and D&S scenes are great ways to safely explore things that otherwise should never be touched in our everyday life. It is actually a healthy thing to explore some of these issues in a safe and fun manner. A woman calling her husband a "worm" outside of the bedroom would be a degrading and mean spirited thing. However, for a woman to call her submissive husband a "worm" within a D&S scene during sexual play may indeed cause her to feel more dominant and cause him to feel more submissive and thus make the play more exciting for both. See the difference?
I like verbal humiliation play because it allows the woman the opportunity to express her brazen and aggressive side of her personality within a safe and sane environment. There are sociology reasons why this can be a liberating thing for a woman. I have had a number of women who told me that they were very shy and timid and they had been abused by men in the past or mistreated by a male dominant society. As they overcame their inhibitions and incorporated some verbal humiliation within the safe confides of a D&S scene, they felt a release and a liberation from being the dominator of a man. Again, it is all done within a loving and caring relationship and each couple must shape these things in a way that benefits their individual relationship.
The bottom line is for you to just have fun as you experiment. You seem to have the proper attitude and the fact that you love your husband so much will make this lifestyle that much more fulfilling. The key is to keep the lines of communication open with him and don't be afraid to be a little selfish as far as getting your needs and desires met. That is the advantage of being the dominant, as most submissive men want their dominant woman to be selfish, as this will stir his submission. He desires to serve you so allow him to do it in ways that benefit you, both in and outside of the bedroom.
Q. Dear Elise Sutton, It sounds like Female Domination is just another excuse for someone to
abuse another human being. Shame on you, as a so-called trained psychologist you should know that their are people out there (mostly men) that beat their wives then after say they are "sorry". These men also believe that they love their women. This is abuse, whether the man is doing the beating or the woman. I am really surprised that you think it is easy for someone to leave an abusive relationship. You should know as a trained psychologist that it doesn't matter whether the person is intelligent and financially secure, if he/she has been verbally abused and reduced to feel that he/she is worthless they will stay in the relationship because they feel that they have no other choice BUT to stay because they are afraid to leave.
It sounds like these women in these "Femdom" relationships are selfish and I hope that one day all these men see this and realize that they are just being used. They should realize that these women don't really love them and that they are just being used as toys and whipping posts.
I will never understand why anyone would WANT to be abused. I think that people like this have extremely low self-esteem and therefore are susceptible to these kinds of situations. There are some men that would do anything for the person they loved and they don't have to be beaten
Bottom line, it doesn't matter that you dress it up in high heeled boots and a corset, abuse is still ugly.
A. Thank you for your letter. I almost didn't respond to it, as my initial thought was that you didn't
understand this topic because it doesn't fit within your personal sexuality or belief system. However, I thought that I should respond to your concerns in the hope that you may indeed be able to understand better about why this lifestyle is not abuse.
Before I began counseling with submissive men and before I embraced the female domination lifestyle, I use to have the same opinion about it that you do. I thought that only a man with a low self-image or a man with emotional problems or a man that was sexually dysfunctional would desire to be dominated in such extreme ways by a woman. However, after almost twenty years of studying and practicing this lifestyle, I have discovered that these desires are very common and normal within men. (A recent study just concluded that the number one sexual fantasy and desire among men is to be dominated by woman). Furthermore, I now understand the dynamics about why men desire these things, where these desires originate from, and how they can fit within one's sexuality and personal relationships in a healthy way. Unfortunately, I can in no way begin to explain all of this in detail to you in this response.
What I can tell you is the following. While I have counseled men with a low self-esteem who have
submissive fantasies and desires, the majority of my clients have been men with very healthy self-images. The bulk of my clients are very mainstream individuals who are very successful in their professions. Psychologists, Lawyers, Doctors, Engineers, Bankers, Stock Brokers, and even Politicians have opened up to me about their submissive desires and fantasies. Some of these men are fortunate enough to now be in a female domination marriage or relationship. Trust me, these men are not being abused but they are being fulfilled.
Have you taken a recent look at how many Professional Dominatrixes there are today? Check out Max Fisch's Domina Guide sometime (there is link on my site). Do you honestly believe that all of these men that are visiting these women have low self-images? There is a natural born desire within men that causes them to desire to be dominated by a woman. Childhood experiences, a boy's relationship with his female authority figures, and other societal factors all influence the development of a man's sexuality. Not all submissive men desire the same kind of domination, which is why there are many forms of female domination.
You must understand the submissive male to understand how this lifestyle is fulfilling to him. Not every female domination relationship is the same. Some are more advanced than others based on the desires of the individuals involved. Some couples keep it confined to the bedroom and this satisfies them. Others take it outside the bedroom into their everyday life and this satisfies them. What I can tell you about most of these couples is that they have better marriages today now that they have embraced this lifestyle. They enjoy better intimacy and more fulfilling sex lives. You should see how many e-mails I receive from couples thanking me for my site and how the female domination lifestyle has enhanced their relationship. I wish every couple could feel the intimacy and the magic of a female domination relationship. I understand that it is not for everyone and it may not be for you. However, please do not make judgments about people who have a different sexuality than yours. If you could interview these couples you would discover how fulfilled they are, both the dominant woman and the submissive man.
Trust me, it is not even on the same planet as the abusive relationship of a husband that beats his wife but the wife is too fearful or too dependent on the husband to leave the relationship. Most of the time, it is the husband that introduces his wife to the female domination lifestyle. She usually embraces it out of love for her husband and then she ends up loving this lifestyle as well. She experiences first hand the intimacy and the improved sex life and she loves the benefits outside of the bedroom like the extra attention and the help around the house.
I have counseled men with very low self-images and who were sexually dysfunctional but it was in no way due to their submissive desires. Some of these men I was able to help, whereas others I had to refer them to a counselor that was more qualified than I to deal with their individual situations. I never sanction abuse, as a female domination and a D&S relationship must be safe, sane, and consensual. I encourage open and honest discussions between couples about their desires and needs. This is always a healthy thing, be it in a D&S relationship or a vanilla relationship.
Thank you again for your letter and I hope that I was able in the very least, to get you to view this
lifestyle in a more open minded manner. I am not trying to convert you to my way of thinking but I do hope that you will be more tolerant of those that have a different lifestyle. Life is too short for one to keep his or her desires and nature repressed for fear of being called perverted or sick by others who do not understand from where they are coming. Our diversity and our uniqueness is what makes each of us special.
Q. Ms Sutton, As a Psychologist what do you think of the Ying and Yang concept as to why men seek out female domination? It sees men who engage in power positions are looking for some psychological balance by engaging in occasional submissive activity. In other words, we are talking about real life dominant men and men who exercise real power, play acting submissiveness for sexual/psychological release or relief.
A. While it is true that D&S can be a great outlet for sexual and psychological release from the stress of life, it is my opinion that the Ying and the Yang has very little to do with the male desire to submit to the female. Men don't seek to be dominated to balance out their lives. There is a submissive desire within men that can not resist a powerful woman, especially if she is beautiful. This desire is sexual but it is also touches the psyche (soul) and the spiritual sides of men.
Men know that women are not their equals, no matter how politically correct our society tries to be. Women are different and mysterious to men. Women are sexual in a way that men do not understand. Women have a power that men do not understand and men cannot resist. I am a woman and I do not even totally understand the power I have over men but I know that it is there and it is real. Powerful women both excite and frighten men. If I could only share with you my counseling sessions with men from all walks of life and if you could hear their desires and how strong their desires are to submit to women. When I got involved in this lifestyle, I had no idea how deep these desires ran in men. It is not just D&S games to balance out ones life.
A lot of very successful men find out that their lives are still not fulfilling, even after they have succeeded in business or their chosen profession. The more prosperous and powerful a man becomes, the more his weakness is magnified. A lot of men walk around thinking that if they only had more money or success, all would be well. The men that have the money and the success realize that these can not satisfy them emotionally, socially, and spiritually. Successful men have the resources to explore their submissive desires at a greater length then does the average middle class male. Regardless of a male's financial and social status, the desire is still there to submit to the female gender. This just goes to show further that the desire to submit is present within all men and economical and social factors do not play a major role in the development of these desires. A man's childhood and his interactions with female authority figures when he is a child and an adolescent, plays the biggest role in the development of that submissive seed that I believe is present within all men.
Q. I have met a wonderful man that craves pain and castration. I need help in understanding his need for this. He has told me he wants me to remove one of his balls to show me that he means what he says and he insists on it. He also insists that I date and he wait for me to get home and tell him how it was. He has a very very small cock. Is that a part of this pain thing?
A. The reasons why some men crave pain is an involved and sometimes complicated topic. It is too involved for me to go into in detail but it sounds like you already have a pretty good idea as to why your man has this desire. Lets just hope that it is more of a fantasy than a deep rooted desire.
If he brings up the craving pain thing during sex or D&S play (be it physical or just mental stimulation via an open discussion) than that is a pretty good indication that it a sexual desire and sexual fantasy that helps him express his submissive nature. However, if he brings it up frequently during non-sexual activities or discussions, than he may have a deep rooted problem that he really needs to get a hold of. It is Ok for him to desire discipline and abuse from a dominant woman in a sexual setting or D&S scene but it is unhealthy for him to desire pain and abuse within a social and personal relationship.
His desire to be cuckolded (preparing you for your dates and being humiliated by you having another lover because he is not adequate) is a common submissive desire and fantasy for submissive men. Lots of men have this desire and some couples actually engage in this activity and enjoy it.
However, his desire to be castrated or have one of his balls removed is extreme and it is unusual. It is important that you tell him that you do not approve of such talk from him. Do not play along with him on this. Instead, try to change his focus. Make your rebuke of his unusual request more exciting and pleasant for him by telling him that you want both of his balls intact because it will make him easier to dominate and control. You could tell him that you like to squeeze a man's balls to show a man how you own him and control him. You could tell him that you like to enslave a man by enslaving a man's genitals, therefore you need a man's genitals intact. By saying such things, it might change his focus away from his unusual desire and redirect it toward the fact that you own his genitals and thus satisfy this desire within him.
If he will not stop talking about it and if you are afraid that he may seek out a woman who would agree to remove one of his testicles, than I would strongly recommend that you encourage him to seek counseling. It is perfectly Ok if his desire is just a sexual fantasy but if you feel that he is obsessed with this fantasy and may in fact try to experience it, than you need to convince him to get some counseling. Having submissive desires is a wonderful thing for man to have but we just want to be sure that he stays grounded in reality.
Q. First of all i find your site very informative and freeing. Congrats and thank you very much!! I would like to know your opinions about how the temperaments affects the Domination/submission behavior. I am currently in a relationship with a young woman and we have a lot in common and everything is wonderful so far. I am a phlegmatic/melancholy so i am naturally submissive and laid-back.
But my concern is that she is more phlegmatic than me (phleg 60-70%) and phlegmatic are not dominant at all... (but she loves leather and have a fascination for guns). What do you think? Do you think sanguine, choleric and melancholy makes better dominant women than
phlegmatics? Thanks in advance for your time.
A. In my opinion based on my years of study and participation in the Female Domination lifestyle, Dominance cannot be measured by a person's temperament. Dominance is primarily an attitude. It is an inner nature and it is authoritative. Out going and aggressive women are more easily turned on to Female Domination but they do not necessarily make the best
Some of the most dominant and authoritative women that I know are very laid back and quiet. They dominate more with their aura and their self-confidence than they do with strong outward personality traits. One woman I know rarely raises her voice when she dominates a man but she has the most intense stare and controlling aura about her that men crumble in her presence. She knows that she is superior to men and she walks with that confidence and that authority.
I have found that the more laid back and soft spoken Professional Doms are the most popular. While some men fantasize about a strong and aggressive woman overpowering them and having her way with them, far more men fantasize about a mysterious and confident woman seducing them with her sexuality and than enslaving them with her mysterious female power. Men are attracted to a confident and sophisticated woman, whether she is out going or laid back. Domination is all about attitude. If a woman knows she is superior to men and walks in that authority, men cannot resist her no matter what her temperament is.
The reason outgoing women are the best candidates to embrace the Female Domination lifestyle is because they are already use to being aggressive with men but struggle with the roles that society has shackled them with. Once that barrier is removed through willing
male submission, an out going woman usually runs with this lifestyle much like a caged animal who has been freed.
A woman who is a choleric may be more open for physical domination play such as corporal punishment whereas a phlegmatic woman may enjoy softer and sensual D&S activities better. Nevertheless, don't mistake the softness of a woman for weakness or submission. Some of the most dominant and sadistic women I have known were phlegmatic. They may not like to forcefully take a man but they enjoy the psychological domination play like the teasing and denial of the male, forced feminization of the male and even C/B torture of the male.
These are generalizations of course, and it would be a mistake to assume that a woman would prefer a certain D&S activity over another simply based on her temperament. Many aggressive and out going women also enjoy softer and sensual D&S activities and likewise a laid back woman may indeed love administering corporal punishment on her man. One of the beautiful things about D&S is that it allows an arena where we all can experiment with different sides of our personalities and natures. One never knows what hidden desire is within until that desire is touched, unlocked and freed through experimentation and exploration. A person may not be able to change their temperament but a person may indeed free a part of their personality that was previously locked up due to inhibition and fear.
It sounds like you had better watch out because if your girlfriend likes wearing leather and shows an interest in playing with powerful weapons, she may have many dominant desires that are eager to be discovered and explored. She may be outwardly laid back but you never know what is going on in that mind of hers. There may be a Tigress within that is waiting to be seduced, drawn out and freed by your submission. It is the quiet and laid back ones that are usually the wild ones.
Q. Ms Sutton, I am neither a submissive male nor a person with D&S interests. Like you, I am a Psychologist and I read the Leather Couch article by Mr. Huffman that a client shared with me. I checked out your website and I must admit that I find your approach to alternative lifestyles very unorthodox and very creative. I am not an expert in the field of human sexuality or sexual dysfunctional behavior. But what I find fascinating and refreshing about your approach is how you are non-judgmental and how you approach complex emotional and sexual desires within people in a manner that treats them as valuable human beings and not as perverts or dysfunctional.
Sometimes in the Psychiatric community, we tend to try to analyze and treat people according to case study and pre-set guidelines rather than on a personal and individual basis. I get the feeling from reading your writings that no matter what a male would share with you, he would leave your office feeling good about himself. While I do not pretend to be an expert or to understand about such unusual sexual behavior such as golden showers, mummification, orgasm denial or cuckolding, I do applaud you for your non-judgmental and understanding approach to these subjects. I would like to ask you your opinion on how the Psychiatric community views D&S and alternative sexual lifestyles?
A. Thank you very much for those kind words. I start with each person that I counsel from the basis that they are special and a valuable creation made by God. I don't believe that God makes mistakes and thus I don't feel anyone is perverted or a mistake of nature. With that as the foundation, I am then able to be non-judgmental. God is the judge, not me. None of us are here to criticize, judge, or condemn another human being. We are not to judge others unless we want to be judged ourselves.
Who am I to say that another person's sexual desires or core nature is wrong? I have my own desires that others may feel are unusual. I have my own unique nature, personality and temperament. Others may not like me but shame on them if they judge me. With that in mind, I can be open minded and understanding as I listen to others bare their soul to me.
I have my core beliefs and I am a person of tremendous Faith. I believe in right and wrong and I believe in morality. I don't think that all behavior is acceptable and I don't believe that society should tolerate or ignore destructive or dangerous behavior in human beings. However, when it comes to the subjects of human sexuality, domination and submission, and male submissive desires, I feel that I am a bit of an expert based on years of study, observation and participation. What I have learned is that there are reasons why people have these desires and a person's core nature expresses itself in the sexual realm through different sexual desires.
To the novice, a man that desires to be on the bottom during intercourse is normal but a man who desires to receive a golden shower is perverted. However, I have come to understand that both of the afore mentioned desires stem from the same core desire, which is to be sexually dominated by a woman. It is expressed differently but it is the same deep-rooted motivation. Not only that, but this deep-rooted nature is evolving and the man that desires to be on the bottom during intercourse today may very well develop a desire to receive a golden shower tomorrow.
Once I learned about the natures of men and women and once I learned about the natural dominance and supremacy of women over men, it became the key to unlocking and understanding all submissive desires within men. It matters not how these desires are expressed through different fantasies, the root and the core of these are all the same. Namely, the desire of the male gender is to be dominated and ruled by the female gender. Therefore, no expression of this submissive nature surprises me or shocks me. This enables me to help the submissive male come to terms with his submissive desires and fantasies and it enables me to help him to be at peace with these desires.
Likewise, my knowledge of female domination and its social and sexual importance helps me to share with women why men have these desires and how exploring these desires with them in a safe and sane environment can develop a strong bond of intimacy between them. I share with women how D&S and female domination can be liberating for the woman and cause a power exchange within their marriage and how that power exchange will be beneficial for both parties.
I agree with you that too many therapists and psychologists depend on case studies and pre-set psychological templates to analyze and counsel patients instead of ministering to each patient on an individual basis. This happens because education treats Psychology as a Science rather than what it really is, human understanding. Physics is a Science but Psychology must be a labor of love. It is important to understand why people do what they do but it is more important to care for the person who is struggling with life or with themselves. At the end of the day, there really is no such thing as a dysfunctional or perverted person. But rather a special person who is struggling with who they are and why they think and act the way they do. Most people do not need to hear that they are wrong but rather that they are special. That is my approach and it is my hope that more people in our field come to view what they do in a similar manner.
Q. Dear Mistress Elise, I love your site and especially the Real Life Story section. I am married to my soul mate for almost 25 years. We have a full grown son and I dearly love my entire family.
27 years ago when we first met, I told her of my cross gender feelings. At the time, because I was attracted to women, I thought I was a transvestite. She said it didn't matter, because she loved me so much. However, over the next 14 years or so, little happened around the house. We had worked up to a little Dom play and french maid play, but she wasn't really into it herself.
About ten years ago, after being severally depressed and suicidal, I began therapy. I discovered that in fact I was a lesbian transsexual woman. I began my transition and because I loved my family so much put a great deal of effort into saving the marriage. We began couples counseling and today, I am a postoperative transwoman and still with my loving wife.
In all our counseling we never approached my submissive needs. I was fearful that she would think my forced feminization fantasies, were really the root of my cross gender transition. I am totally happy with my everyday life and wouldn't change a thing. I am more productive and our love has grown tremendously.
I approached this subject with my therapist and she assured me that these fantasies were not the root of my transition but that whatever two consenting adults do in the privacy of their home is fine and nothing perverse about it. She suggested I start a dialogue as to my desires to serve her in a sub role. I just don't know where to begin. My therapist has suggested that I find a story or play or even a movie to show her and simply tell her this turns me on and maybe we could play from time to time.
I totally respect your opinion and advice. Your site seems to have a real strong healthy view of these types of long term relationships and not just another fantasy line. Could you be so kind as to give some advice?
A. Life and sexuality sure can get confusing at times but that is why there is a need for therapists and Psychologists. I am happy to hear that you have come to terms with your nature and your sexuality. As long as you and your wife are happy and in agreement, then that is what is important. You need to be at peace within yourself and you need to have the support of your loving spouse. It sounds like you have achieved both of these.
I think you should follow the advice of your therapist about how to introduce your submissive desires to your wife. If your wife was Ok with your transgender issues, why don't you think she would be understanding about your submissive desires? It sounds to me like your wife is a very open minded and understanding lady. You are very blessed to have found such a woman.
How did you approach her about your cross-dressing and transgender desires? Do the same with your submissive desires. If she is against it, then back off but try your best to find submissive fulfillment through the service of your wife. Give your wife room to grow into her dominant role, don't push her and continue to seek the counsel from your therapist. I wish you well.
Q. Dear Elise, I have been in a Dominant relationship within the home since we were married. (14 years, we are both 38 yrs old). Naturally he services my every whim. I do incorporate BDSM when needed, which is something I enjoy.
For some time he has mentioned a fantasy that he has had of being executed by a female executioner. He has asked me if we could role-play such a scene. We have on occasion watched movies that had an execution scene and he seemed to be excited.
Elise, I am torn. In some respects I feel excited about it. I guess since it's the ultimate Domination. However, on the other side I think that it's perverted or sick. What is your opinion? Have you heard of this before?
A. What exactly are you referring to here? Does he want you to wear a hood and place his head on a chopping block? Or are we talking about the electric chair? What sort of scenes in these movies excited him? Also, what is it about this that excites you?
You might want to get my procedure number 8 (Creative Role-Playing Scenarios). As long as you keep it as role-playing, you could have fun with it. As long as it is not an obsession of his but merely a fantasy, I see no problems with it.
People have all sorts of fantasies and I do not judge them as being weird or perverted. It may simply be a case where he saw a movie or read a story as a child where a dominant woman executed a man and this stirred his submissive nature. So he desires to act it out. It is no different than a man wanting to be dominated by Catwoman.
I added a section to my site where people share their role-playing fantasies and how they acted them out. If you would read these, you will see that people's FemDom fantasies are quite a variety. As long as these fantasies do not become obsessions and as long as the people acting them out stay rooted and grounded in reality, I see no problems with it. Role-playing can actually be a healthy thing as it gives people a safe outlet to explore secret desires. The key here is the word "playing". It is just that. Adults playing make believe by becoming characters and acting out fantasies.
Q. Elise, I love your site. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with the rest of us. If I had not found your site, I know I would be confused about my husband's sexuality. The incredible and ironic thing is that from studying my husband's sexuality and submissive nature, I have discovered my own sexuality and dominant nature. We do complete each other and it makes perfect sense.
I would love to be like you and study Psychology and Human Sexuality. I find these fields fascinating. I am still young and I have been thinking of going back to college. I do have a question for you. What is the difference between Psychiatrists and Psychologists?
A. A Psychiatrist is an MD, a doctor of medicine. The study of Psychiatry is the study of diagnosing, preventing, and treating mental disorders. Psychiatrists are doctors who have completed training and a residency in Psychiatry, and spend their time helping patients out with mental illnesses. A Psychiatrist is a fully trained physician and she or he can prescribe medications to treat mental illnesses.
Psychologists focus more on the behavior itself, and less on the biology of it. If you are looking for counseling, you'll probably seek a Psychologist. Psychologists are for "talk therapy", if you will. Psychology is the study of how people think and behave. A Psychologist can't prescribe medicine and hasn't spent time in Medical school. Psychologists specialize in clinical therapies and Psychologists do lots of research as they study human behavior. Unlike Psychiatry, Psychology tends to encompass many different fields of study, including anthropology and sociology.
To be a Psychiatrist, you would need to go to medical school. To be a Psychologist, you only need a Masters Degree in most cases to be able to become a licensed counselor. A person with just a Bachelors degree in Psychology or Sociology can usually get work in research or as a social worker. Psychology is a life long field of learning. Even after college, you will need to study and do research. Therefore, it is important to specialize in a field of Psychology that you love. If you love people and are intrigued by human behavior and societal evolution, then Psychology very well may be the field for you.
One thing you will come to learn when you study human behavior and human sexuality is that the only thing that is truly "normal" is the setting on your dryer. People are complex and fascinating creations and that is why you must love people. College will give you the head knowledge but the best Psychologists are those with a heart for people. Good luck and go get 'em. The world needs more Dominant Female Psychologists.
Q. Dear Elise, My wife and I have been experimenting with Female Supremacy and a D/S
lifestyle. My wife is having problems, however, as she has spent most of her life watching her mother act rather abusively toward her father. She is afraid of becoming abusive, rather than dominating, and is having trouble distinguishing between the two. Her mother's abusive behavior would include such things as constantly berating her husband in public; not allowing him to talk; putting him down in all situations; arguing with anything he would say, etc.
What do you suggest for my wife so that she can feel empowered and dominant, and yet not abusive and hurtful? I have suggested that as long as we both agree to our relationship, and as long as the focus is on sexuality and eroticism, then she can feel comfortable. What are your thoughts on this?
A. Being dominant and being abusive are entirely two different things. One only need look at the definitions of these words in the dictionary to understand the difference.
Dominant - Exercising the most influence or control. Ruling; governing; prevailing; controlling.
Abusive - Expressing offensive reproach. Hurtful; wrongly used; misapplied.
Your wife's mother was probably expressing hurt and resentment toward her husband through her abusive behavior. Perhaps it was directed toward him personally or perhaps it was an expression of hurt caused in her childhood and she was expressing that hurt by berating your wife's father.
Some women become bitter and resentful about their life's dreams and expectations not being fulfilled and they find themselves trapped in a life they do not like. In your mother's generation, there was little a woman could do to improve her own life but she had to rely on her husband. This caused some women to become frustrated and resentful about their lot in life so they strike out at the one they hold responsible. It is not proper behavior but your wife's mother is not the only woman to treat her husband this way. That sort of behavior is not domination but actually the opposite. It is a woman who is trapped in the submissive role lashing out by being abusive. The tongue is a powerful weapon and some people use it as a sword to cut and inflict pain on others. It is a defense mechanism.
Your wife needs to understand that domination is about ruling and governing you in love. A dominant wife disciplines her husband in love, much as a mother disciplines the child she loves. But since you are a grown man, you need more severe discipline in order for it to yield the proper affect. Your wife needs to relax and allow her dominant nature to freely flow from her so she can feel empowered and liberated. It is doubtful that her mother enjoyed that kind of freedom.
Since your wife is marked by her mother's treatment of her father, I would advise that she keep her discipline of you confined to the privacy of your home. Public scenes or public humiliation play would not be a good thing for the two of you to engage in. Keep all D&S confined to your private life but don't just keep it in the bedroom. Your wife should rule and govern you outside of the bedroom as well. Just keep the D&S play private and she need not worry about becoming like her mother. The more liberated she becomes, the less like her mother she will be. Most women who embrace this lifestyle have an increase in their self-image and a woman with a healthy self-image is less likely to express hurtful or resentful behavior.
Being dominant is an attitude. A dominant woman is a confident woman who knows who she is. If your wife acts dominant, she will be dominant. Remind her often how beautiful she is, how intelligent she is and how you view her as superior. Compliment her and help her with her self-esteem. Submit to her and continue to water her seeds of dominance with your submissive attitude and behavior. Afford her the room to grow, be patient and about all love and cherish her as the Goddess she is.
Q. Ms Sutton, I have read your site in its entirety with great interest and much apprehension. With great interest because the thought of women becoming liberated and in charge is an appealing thought to me. I have always admired and respected strong and successful women. However, I have much apprehension about the lifestyle you endorse because I do not believe that I would be happy or fulfilled being dominated to such a degree. I have no desire to be in submission to my wife and I have no desire to be her slave. I love her and I like to serve her as a respectful and loving husband, but I also expect her to serve me as well.
The reason I am writing to you is because my wife was the one who discovered your site and she is eager to try your so-called lifestyle. She did your analysis on me and she ordered the next five procedures from you. So far, we have done procedures two and three. My wife loved them and she wants our relationship to grow in this direction. I on the other hand, am fighting this because while there are aspects to this lifestyle that I find sexy, I do not want to surrender my will, my finances, and my life over to her in such a complete manner. It is not who I am. I am sure many men would love to trade places with me, but these men are looking for such a relationship. I enjoy the equal partnership marriage we have had up till now.
The biggest problem I am having with all this is I am not able to achieve what you refer to as subspace. It is not due to the lack of experience or skill from my wife. She is a powerful and domineering woman and I am sure most submissive men would easily drift off to subspace in her presence. The problem is with me. I do not think I am of the genetic make-up or personality who can achieve that euphoric state of submission that is called subspace. Without subspace, being disciplined, dominated and controlled by a woman is not enjoyable but is restrictive and confining. It is like the air of freedom is being sucked from my body and I do not like that experience.
My questions for you are as follows. In your professional opinion, what exactly is subspace? Are all men capable of achieving subspace or do you have to be of a certain nature and personality? If a man cannot achieve subspace, do you still recommend this lifestyle for his marriage?
A. Subspace or as I like to call it, the submissive zone, is a tranquil and somewhat hypnotic state that comes from the absolute surrender of the human will. I analyze subspace from a psychological perspective, not from a biological perspective. Men who are masochists claim that they enter subspace via endorphins that are released in the brain to block the pain and this causes the man to obtain a sort of a high from the endorphins. Endorphins are hormones that bind to opiate receptors and they reduce the sensation of pain and can affect the emotions. I do not doubt the validity of the high that endorphins provide to a masochist. Runners who push themselves beyond their threshold claim to have a runner's high from endorphins. However, I feel that this is different from subspace. While a masochist may indeed enter subspace, I believe this is due to the mental stimulation that he encounters as he surrenders his will over to the female when she is being sadistic.
The reason I do not believe in the correlation between pain and subspace is because different D&S activities will transport a man to the submissive zone, and most of these activities do not involve physical pain. A man need not be a masochist to enter subspace. Humiliation play will transport a man to sub space. Being cuckolded transports men to subspace. Strap-on play, light discipline, worshipping the female body, even the sight of a woman in fetish attire will transport some men to subspace. So what do these activities have in common? The mental stimulation of a man surrendering his will over to the woman.
The D&S activity is what triggers the mental stimulation and it is the mental stimulation that transports the man to subspace. There is also a dominant zone that women enter into through the mental stimulation from the dominant energy being released within them. To women, this energy causes an intense sexual arousal and fulfillment. Women need foreplay for sexual fulfillment and the dominant zone transports a woman to the highest level of arousal and sexual stimulation. But that is another topic. Lets stay on the male and the submissive zone.
Subspace is also a spiritual experience. Without going into this too deeply, we are triune beings. We are a spirit, we have a soul (the mind, will and the emotions) and we live in a body. The mind is the gate to the spirit. The conscience mind guards against thoughts and experiences that it does not want. It is like a guard that is programmed and will only allow pre-programmed and pre-conceived ideas and experiences to enter. Anything that does not fit the programming of the conscience mind is rejected and blocked with skepticism and a defense mechanism. This guard is programmed primarily in childhood and through early adolescence. (That is why it is so hard for some women to be open-minded about this lifestyle. They have been programmed by parents, teachers, society and religion to reject certain thoughts and to accept certain thoughts).
Our true natures come from the inside out but unless one opens their mind, our natures can be held captive and thus remain dormant. When this happens, our natures try to break forth via the sub-conscience. That is why a man will be going along in life and all of a sudden a scene in a movie or a story in a magazine about female domination will trigger something within his sub-conscience (bypassing his conscience) and he will experience desires he previously had no idea were there. Dreams will also express thoughts of the sub-conscience mind.
Subspace is a tranquil and near hypnotic state that is a balance between the psyche and the spiritual. It is obtained within males when they surrender their will and their power over to a female. When a woman dominates a man (be it physical domination or mental domination) there is an energy and a power that she releases. This power is sexual and spiritual. This energy demands and desires submission. When a man surrenders to this power coming from the female, he enters into the submissive zone (or subspace). As he lets go and yields himself to the woman, he disarms his conscience guard and he allows his submissive nature to be released. This causes him to enter into that tranquil and near hypnotic state. That is what is known as subspace. It is hard to explain and describe but men who go there will testify that it is wonderful.
Women love what subspace does to men. It makes them meek, obedient, loving, and worshipful. A man in subspace has touched the spiritual and he can then worship a woman on a spiritual plane. This feeds a woman's true dominant nature and she feeds off of the submissive energy coming from the man. Not every scene is of equal intensity or power but when that chemistry is there, it transcends ordinary sex. That is why I have said that D&S and particularly Female Domination touches more than the sexual. It also touches the mental and the spiritual.
Subspace is different for each male. Every man is unique with a unique nature, a unique personality and with unique life experiences. Depending on his nature and his experiences, a man's sexuality is developed and is stored within his mind. It often takes experimentation to explore and discover exactly what will trigger a man's submissive nature. It is initially explored through the sexual but once touched and released via sexual and mental stimulation, it will cause a man to lay down his guard (his human will) and if he lets go and surrenders himself to the female, he will enter into subspace. The D&S is a merely a tool that a woman uses to explore the hidden areas of the man's mind, looking for that trigger that will cause the man to surrender his will to her. Once he does, it opens them both up to embrace their true natures.
Subspace can last a few hours or it can last for weeks at a time. It depends on the trigger and the depth of that trigger. That is why I tell women to play (have a D&S scene) with their submissive man at least once a week. The male psyche is like an onion and it needs to be peeled back layer by layer. That is what I mean when I talk about taking a man to a deeper level in his submission. The deeper you go, the more intense the scene and the more potent the trigger. Once you discover these triggers, they can be touched and stimulated with the expected results. If is it a negative trigger (childhood hurts, abuse, etc), a woman can bring healing to it through nurturing and love. The trigger remains and the woman can use it to take her submissive to subspace, thus she can turn the negative into a positive. If it is a positive trigger or a trigger with an unknown origin or quality, she can use it to her advantage to further her control and power over her submissive.
In my opinion, all men are capable of achieving subspace if they will let go and if they will surrender to a dominant woman. It need only be a short and temporary surrender if it is a man having a scene with a Dominatrix or a Professional Mistress. A man can surrender, enter subspace, and worship a woman whom he does not have a relationship with. The subspace will last for the session and perhaps hours after the session, but then he returns to his normal life.
However, if a man is married or in a permanent relationship with a dominant woman, he can experience an even greater level of submission by surrendering his all to his wife or lifestyle Mistress. His time in subspace will vary and although he will still live most of the time out of subspace, the dynamics of an ongoing relationship (combined with orgasm denial) will enable the man to live a life of worshipful and meaningful service of his dominant woman. His time in subspace will be multiplied and weekly sessions will ensure the power exchange and the power dynamics of the female domination relationship.
I have given you a very lengthy answer to your questions. Forgive me if I have confused you more than I enlightened you. I have examined and researched subspace in great detail. I understand this phenomenon but it is still hard for me to explain it. It is almost like trying to explain faith or other spiritual things. Those that have experienced it, know what it is. They may not know how it is or why it is, but they know what it is. Subspace is like a trance and being hypnotized only the man is fully awake and fully aware of what he is doing. It is a place of absolute surrender and a place where the female rules supreme. It is a magical place within the psyche of a man where he worships a woman with his spirit. It is powerful and it is beautiful. For only a man who surrenders his will to a woman and enters the submissive zone, can fully see a woman in all her beauty and glory.
My advice to you is to let go and surrender to your wife. Don't fear the unknown but embrace your submission by yielding to her dominance. She yearns to take control over you but the chemistry and power of this lifestyle will not happen if you hold back. Neither the submissive male nor the dominant woman can hold back if they want to experience the fullness of the FemDom lifestyle. Both must let go of their inhibitions and embrace their true natures.
You feel like the air is being squeezed from you because you are anxious and fearful. You are looking at things in a purely natural and physical state of mind. Freedom does not come from trying to maintain control. Freedom will come only when you surrender. That which restricts and confides you is your analytical and logical thinking. Your wife will restrict you and confide you but it will be freedom to you if you will surrender to her and worship her. A train is restricted by its tracks but that which restricts it also allows it to freely move. Take the train off the tracks, it is no longer restricted by the tracks but it also cannot move at all. That which restricts it is that which frees it. Your wife's dominance and control will restrict you and confide you but if you yield to her power, you will find that you enjoy more inner freedom under her control than you ever did under your own control.
Q. Dear Elise, I just went into your website and it enlightens my life. I am not a natural Dom. However, my husband is a sub and I have been struggling to accommodate all his role-playing fantasies. My question to you is about his fantasy of seeing a woman butchering an animal. He gets excited when seeing a chicken or other animals being killed by a woman. It's very hard for me to engage this fantasy of his. Do you have any instruction of how to get rid of this fantasy from my husband? If there's no cure for it, is there any effective way to do this role-playing to make it real without actually hurting an animal?
A. Hi, It sounds like it is time for you to become a Dom. It sounds like your husband needs some guidance and direction from a superior female such as yourself.
I must say that your husband's desire is a new one for me. I have never heard of a man that wanted his wife to be sadistic to innocent animals. Naturally, I am against the inhumane treatment of animals and I can tell by your hesitance that you are as well. My advice would be for you to tell him that you are a superior female and as such, you believe in the protecting of innocent animals. Tell him that you will gladly dominate him and control him but one of your conditions is that he never discuss this fantasy again in your presence. This is one role-playing scenario that should not be explored or encouraged. Killing or torturing an innocent, unwilling living thing is morally wrong.
Encourage your husband to channel his submissive desires into his service of you. As his Queen, make the proclamation that such talk about hurting animals is forbidden under your rule and that if he brings it up again, you will punish him in a way that will not be pleasurable for him.
That would be my advice. Some desires should not be acted upon. He is not a bad person for having these desires and I give him credit for opening himself up to you about them. I am sure there is a reason he has this desire. Perhaps he visited a farm when he was a boy and one of his female relatives, that he found to be dominant and sexy, butchered an animal in front of him. I don't know but as his Mistress, you need to help him to turn these destructive desires into positive ones. Submission is when a man surrenders his desires over to the desires of his Mistress. You desire to protect animals so he needs to surrender this fantasy over to your will and submit to your judgment on this matter.
If he wants to see you be cruel, then tell him that he will be the only receiver of your sadism during any role-playing. Under the rule of a superior female, animals are loved and cared for.
Q. Hi Elise, I was chatting on the Internet the other night and I started talking to an attorney who was into D & S. He introduced me to your web site and I have been reading it ever since. While I do not agree with everything you said I must say I am intrigued by most of it's content. But my purpose for writing is not to critique your site I have a question.
You see I am a very naive woman when it comes to these things (i.e., fetishes, etc.) but this subject in particular has caught my attention. I am an African American female who is married to an African American male. We are both in our early 40's and have a normal sex life, maybe not as often as we'd both like but when we do get together it's GREAT! The reason we don't get together is because of my husbands' hectic work schedule and I am enrolled in a masters program at the local University, so we are both quite busy.
While some of your procedures and techniques appeal to me I'm not sure if my husband would be interested. I am a very outspoken and aggressive person, which fits right into the dominant female persona. However I don't think my husband, being a man of color, would take to kindly to being referred to as a "slave", if you know what I mean. So my question is, in your pass experience have you encountered many, if any, black men who were into this type of relationship? While I'll agree most men would do almost anything to get laid, I don't know if many black man would enjoyed being referred to, or treated like a "slave" for very obvious reasons. Please elaborate on my theory if you would and make some suggestions on how I can approach my husband. Thank you.
A. I have counseled a number of African-American men who desired to be called "slave". Some of them have a particular fantasy of being dominated by a white woman. To some of these men, being black adds to their feeling of submission and they find movies or stories about historical slavery to be sexually arousing. To these men, slavery is not a social issue but a fantasy and the historical accounts of slavery merely adds to their fantasy. These men do not want to return to a society where a certain race is in slavery to another race but they desire to be slaves to the female gender (much like any other submissive male).
I recommend Nick Broomfield's documentary "Fetishes". This 1997 documentary is about life at a professional house of Domination (Pandora's Box in NYC). One of the clients was an African American male who wanted one of the white women to dress up as a Southern plantation owner and treat him as her slave. According to this documentary, this was a rather common role-playing fantasy of African American men. Likewise, a Jewish man requested for a woman to dress as a Nazi Gestapo agent and interrogate him. There are some deep psychological reasons for these type of fantasies and such role-playing can actually be emotionally healing. Some people find that they can better cope with the past if they confront demons through role-playing. To these men, the horrors and injustice of the past has found its way into their sexuality. The white Female Plantation owner and the Female Nazi represent authority to the African-American male and the Jewish male respectively. These men are in search for a powerful woman and these roles represent power and authority. It is much like the male who wants to role-play that he is a young boy being dominated by his Female fifth grade teacher. All of these fantasies are about Women in Authority.
For the majority of men, it is more about submitting to the female gender, regardless of the racial implications. I have counseled a lot of white men who have a fantasy of being dominated by black women. A few told me that they wanted to be severely disciplined by an African American woman to pay for the sins of their race. Were they sincere or was it merely a fantasy? More than likely, it was a fantasy where the interracial aspects make it more intense. Most white men who desire to be dominated by a black woman simply find African-American women to be sexy and attractive. Sometimes we read too much into the social implications and meanings of men's fantasies and submissive desires. At the core, they are mostly about being dominated by the female gender.
For the most part, men simply want to submit to the female gender, regardless of racial implications. The desire of the male to submit to the female runs across racial and religious lines. The submissive nature of man is the same regardless of culture, religion or race. Men want to be the servants and slaves of women. If your husband becomes your slave, he will be submitting to an African-American woman of his own free will, and not to a white male under the bonds of societal slavery. That is a huge and important difference.
I would suggest that you discuss this with him and find out how he feels about being referred to as your slave. If he has a problem with it, you might want to add the word "sex" and refer to him as your "sex-slave". A lot of men become aroused at that term, be they self-described submissive males or not.
Q. Dear Ms. Sutton, I am writing to you because I am afraid. I wandered on to your website by chance about a year ago. Before then, I hardly knew what FemDom was and I certainly did not have submissive feelings toward women. But as I read through the stories and articles on your site, I found myself becoming more and more aroused. I am afraid that I will not be able to turn back to my original "state of mind". I would still like to have traditional relationships and it is easier for me to start relationships in that way. However, it is becoming harder for me to do so since the idea of female superiority has latched itself into my mind. I see it everywhere now, evidence that women are superior to men...even the prevalence of matriarchal communities in nature. All of this makes me feel more submissive to women as a gender and this arouses me and it frightens me.
What compelled me to write to you is that I've found myself more sexually aroused by the idea of female domination than by more conventional means such as looking at nudie magazines. Now when I look in a nudie mag, I have to imagine the women dominating me or me orally worshiping them just to get off. Just the thought or mention of females being superior and dominant over men makes my heart pound and gives me an instant erection, whether I want one or not. FemDom excites me to no end, but I don't want it to completely take over and define who I am. Is there a way I can enjoy and embrace FemDom without it overwhelming me? Thanks for your precious time. I love your website.
A. My, I bet you do love my site. So you think that these thoughts have invaded your mind and have taken you captive? Interesting. I bet you have read lots of sexual fantasies in those so-called Nudie magazines but all they ever did was give you an erection. Those were just words and images like the words and images on FemDom sites. But funny how the words and images on my site do more than just give you an erection. They cause your heart to pound and they give you a sexual excitement that you have never known before. Why didn't the girlie magazines effect you like that? Now when you see a sexy woman, you want to submit to her. Before you lusted after her and you wanted to fuck her. But now you have a new respect for her and you want her to enslave you. Isn't that the situation?
The reason FemDom stories, pictures and websites shake you at your core is because they have touched you at your core. Your submissive nature has been unleashed. It was there all the time but you never knew it was there until you discovered the world of Female Domination. FemDom did not invade your brain. No, your submissive desires were there all the time but they needed to be freed. You could have a million dollars in your bank account, but if you did not know the money was there, you would never spend it. You would live your life thinking you were poor when in fact you were rich the entire time. Then if one day out of the blue, someone contacted you and said, "Hey, you have a million dollars in your back account", a light would come on and you would get excited and you would go and use that money. Did that money invade your bank account? No, it was there all the time but you needed a revelation that it was there.
That is what happened to you concerning FemDom. Your submissive nature was there all along, birthed into you and cultivated by childhood and adolescent experiences. But it was lying dormant. Then out of the blue, you came across literature about Female Domination and that nature came alive. Now it dominates your thoughts but not from without but from within. It is perfectly natural to desire to submit to the female gender. You have had a revelation and that revelation has freed your submissive nature and has brought it to the forefront of your thoughts and desires. It happens to men over and over again. Most of the time it happens when a male comes onto puberty or is a teenager or when he becomes a young man. But it also happens later in life in some males because they have not experienced that trigger until later in life. My site may have been the trigger that unleashed your submissive nature.
Your challenge is to channel those submissive desires into practical and productive applications. Serve the women in your life and if you are not in a relationship, seek for a woman to serve. It is Ok to explore your nature by reading my site and other FemDom material but do not allow it to dominate all of your free time. A woman needs a man to be productive in all areas of his life. You can serve the woman in your life by excelling in your career and learning how to serve her in practical ways like learning to cook, give massages, doing domestic chores. Channel your enthusiasm into practical applications and you will find fulfillment and self-worth as a submissive male. Best Wishes.
Q. Dear Ms. Sutton, I've enjoyed reading your website and have learned a tremendous amount from it. I'm wondering if you might address a specific male submissive desire that I have, and which I've been able to find scant information on.
I am in a relationship in which my girlfriend often will dominate me, though it has not reached the full 24/7 situation. I have mentioned to my girlfriend a strong desire to be HYPNOTIZED by her, but she has expressed reluctance. I'm wondering what you might advise about hypnotism and female domination?
My specific fantasy consists of wanting her to hypnotize me so that when she says a specific word, a "trigger" word, at any time, I will immediately have the overwhelming and powerful urge to go down on her. Then, she would have the FUN and PLEASURE of teasing and denying that urge! In any case, though I have brought up the fantasy with her, and even gone so far as to send her an e-mail delineating how she might go about hypnotizing me, she has never followed through on this.
I've also bought her books on hypnotism, and told her very explicitly what a USEFUL thing it would be to have such a "trigger" word.
Is this kind of hypnotism something you've used and do you think it's appropriate to female domination/supremacy? Thank you for considering what perhaps is an odd angle on female domination.
A. Hypnosis is not something to be taken lightly. Hypnosis is a powerful technique that should only be used by the trained professional. Done correctly, hypnosis bypasses the conscience and thus the human will, and places suggestions into the sub-conscience. It is believed that by entering the sub-conscience, certain habits can be controlled by re-programming your brain to automatically send certain signals to the rest of the body, without the decision process of the human will.
Probably the two most common uses for hypnosis are in the areas of smoking and over-eating. A trained professional will try to change a person's attitude toward tobacco and food by re-programming their mind to view these practices as being a negative instead of a positive. Hypnosis bypasses the conscience and places this programming into the sub-conscience with the hope that by removing the human will from the equation, the person with little will-power will be able to overcome their cravings for tobacco or food because their sub-conscience will tell the rest of the body that this is a bad thing and thus the appetite will not crave the cigarette or the chocolate donut.
Does it work? In some people but not in all because the human will still must make the final decision. Hypnosis can convince a person that they in fact hate the taste and smell of cigarettes, but that person must be willing to also accept this fact with their conscience mind. It may take a lot of hypnosis to overcome the programming in a person's mind that they enjoy cigarettes. The person who has smoked for years has programmed his mind and his body that he likes cigarettes. Ultimately, it takes a decision of the human will that they no longer want to smoke. The hypnosis will assist the process by possibly removing the cravings and there can be success if the hypnosis works in conjunction with the human will.
Getting back to your question, I must ask a question of my own. Why do you need for your girlfriend to implant new triggers into your sub-conscience when you already have sexual triggers? You no doubt desire to be dominated since you are the one who approached her about this. Within the psyche of the submissive male, there are layers of psychological triggers based on your life experiences. Your mind has recorded every sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch you have ever experienced in your life. Your sexuality has been developed by a combination of genetics and life's programming. There are submissive triggers within and D&S can be a fun way of exploring these triggers. My "Psychoanalysis of the submissive male" procedure (as well as the additional procedures that build upon the initial psychoanalysis), are designed to assist a dominant woman as she explores her man's submissive nature.
I believe it is best to get into the sub-conscience by going through the door of the conscience and peeling back each layer to find those new triggers. Certain images and words already excite you. Your sexuality and nature has already been formed. The wise woman will explore your nature with you and she will discover those triggers and manipulate those triggers to her advantage. There is no need for her to add additional triggers through hypnosis. A certain facial expression or a certain tone of her voice or her body language or a certain fetish outfit that she may wear can touch one of your triggers which will cause you to desire to "go down on her". Certain D&S activities will stir your submissive nature by touching your sexual triggers and this will cause you to become aroused and overwhelmed with submission toward the female. Again, you already have psychological triggers that make you who you are sexually. Hypnosis is not necessary. What is necessary is for both partners to communicate to each other their true desires. That is called intimacy.
Having said all that, the fantasy of hypnosis can be fun. Hypnosis to re-enforce your submissive desires toward the female gender through verbal scripts can be an erotic experience. One of my procedures is called "The Brain Washing" and it involves some intense play that includes a hypnotic script. Is it true hypnosis? No, and like I said, that should only be done by a trained professional. But is my procedure erotic, powerful and effective? Absolutely. So you may want to get that procedure so you can experiment with your fantasy. But it is not necessary in order for your girlfriend to dominate you. You already have many triggers present within you that she can use. Have Fun.
Q. My wife (Cynthia) and I have been married for five years and are very much in love. For us, D&S is more of a game we play than a "serious" lifestyle choice. We are what I call session-oriented rather than full-time. We had a few FemDomish nights years ago, but began a regular schedule in February.
We enjoy many of the same activities as the others who write to your site, but are not 24/7 nor do we reach the same level of intensity that I have read of on your site. For example, while Cynthia sometimes enjoys teasing and denying me, the denial lasts only a few days at most. Likewise, she likes to spank and sometimes uses a crop or cane on me, but the beatings are not severe. She says she finds the power of knowing she can boss me around and put me over her knee more enjoyable than delivering a harsh thrashing. Most days, we function as partners and equals in all ways. But every other weekend, the roles change and I become her slave.
Though we might not live D&S as intensely as some, there is no doubt that Cynthia is in charge during our sessions. She usually starts by assigning housework or other drudgery, all of which had better be done well if I am to avoid that trip over her knee. When she is ready, the other games start. In addition to the teasing and denial, she enjoys extracting servitude and generally being bossy and demanding. Servitude takes the form of anything from massages to preparing and delivering a lot of romantic attention to spending hours on my knees between her legs waiting for her signal to begin again. We also have dabbled in some role playing and I usually end up having a "date" with her strap-on dildo.
So, in short, we enjoy playing B&D and look forward to our sessions. We have joked the Female Domination is the chocolate we add to our otherwise vanilla life. But for us it has been just that -- play that adds spice to our lives, not a hardcore mistress/slave relationship.
I realize that your site contains discussion of some of those harder elements, but it also seems much more serious and reality based than most of the Web. Many of the sites we have been able to find seem to be based more on fantasy than on real life possibilities. Acting out fantasies is great, but fantasy is of no use to us in real life if it crosses the line into impossible. Are there things we should definitely try or definitely avoid?
Most of what I read on your site pertains to women who desire a much stronger hold over their husband or boyfriend than anything I have seen from my wife. And I do believe her comments that she isn't looking for more to be honest. But then again, that's how she feels today, but tomorrow or next year?
I realize that you can't analyze someone you've never met with any precision whatsoever, so I can't ask you to look into my wife's mind, but can you tell me if it is at all common for a woman's attitude towards D&S to change markedly over time? I suspect we men tend to hold an essentially constant attitude towards D&S over our adult life. This would seem to agree with your observation of men as simple creatures -- an observation I cheerfully agree with, by the way. But are women the same or different? Is it likely that my wife could surprise me with a markedly different attitude in her desires for domination?
A. Allow me to rephrase your question to what I believe you are really asking. Your wife dominates you regularly and this is fulfilling to you both. She wants to keep it confined to the bedroom (the chocolate she adds to your vanilla relationship) but deep down, you want her to take it out of the bedroom. You are excited about your sessions with your wife (and one lucky man, I might add) but her dominance inside the bedroom makes you want more. You are hoping that she will one day expand your limits and take you deeper into submission to her. Am I correct?
This is a natural desire within a submissive man. The bedroom games were fun and fulfilling in the beginning but she has touched a chord within you and now you want it to be real. Well I have good news for you. It is Real. What frustrates you is that she will only refer to it as "play" or a "game" and this does not fit within your fantasy of wanting to be a slave to a woman. She takes you to subspace by dominating you in the bedroom but then she brings you down by referring to it as only a game. Of course, you realize how fortunate you are to have a wife who is willing to play these games with you because many wives are not willing to be so adventuresome sexually.
It is important for you to realize that by calling this "play" and a "game", it gives your wife the emotional and intellectual cover to coincide this lifestyle with her conscience and her belief of what a marriage should be. She loves to dominate you, she enjoys having this power over you, she likes the benefits this lifestyle affords her (massages, oral servitude, having you do chores) but she can justify it with her conscience by reminding you (and ultimately herself) that it is merely a bedroom game to add chocolate to the vanilla. And you know what? That is fantastic. Most couples get involved in this lifestyle to add chocolate to the vanilla. This lifestyle is meant to be fun. It sounds like you and your wife are having a blast, so enjoy what you have and count your blessings.
Will she eventually desire to take it deeper? Only time will tell but I would venture to say that deep down, she wants to takes it deeper but cannot reconcile it with her conscience. The "games" attitude gives her the solid ground she needs to feel good about what the two of you do in the bedroom. That is who she is as a person. She may overcome her inhibitions and the desire to dominate you may become so strong that she will need to go deeper. It happens. But that is something that she must work out within herself. If she needs for it to be only games, then you need to outwardly concur to her that it is indeed only games because that is what she needs in order to feel comfortable with this lifestyle. But inwardly, you can tell yourself that your wife loves to dominate you and the fact is, it is more than just games. The two of you have a FemDom lifestyle, she is the boss and you are her submissive. That is reality. How the two of you choose to view your relationship is your prerogative.
There is nothing wrong with keeping the FemDom activities confined to the bedroom. Many couples feel that is the most practical way due to children, family, careers, etc. But regardless, you can take it out of the bedroom within your own mind by making sure that you obey, serve and please your Queen both inside and outside the bedroom. If she wants you to orally service her or have you give her a massage, then you need to eagerly obey. Likewise, if she wants you to go to the market for her, visit her relatives, and take out the trash on garbage night, then you also need to eagerly obey her. For if you do that, then it is a 24/7 FemDom relationship. To her it may be the chocolate on the vanilla but you will know that FemDom is an ever present reality.
Q. I stumbled across your website after typing the words "understanding Femdom" into a search engine. This fetish, or whatever it is, has been haunting me for years. At some point I started to wonder what was wrong with me. Although your website has offered much insight and understanding, I still find myself wondering what's wrong.
I've thought about trying to introduce my wife to the concept, but I don't think I would like it in real
life and fear the consequences. Generally women are not attracted to submissive men, and I would be afraid of jeopardizing our relationship. In addition, this affliction (because that's what it feels like to me) is contrary to my personality. I am far from mousy or puny and tend to be aggressive and confrontational. What can I do? Will it pass? Sometimes I feel like it's an addiction.
A. Before I can answer the main issue of your question, let me address two uninformed statements you made, for understanding begins with knowledge. First, your assumption that women are not attracted to submissive men is obviously based on past stereotypes that have been passed down by a patriarchal society. Second, being submissive has nothing to do with being mousy or puny. Most submissive men are masculine outwardly. Most submissive men are no different than you are. They are males who were raised in a patriarchal society and who are struggling with the desire to submit to the female gender.
A man's temperament, personality, physical build, career, or family life has nothing to do with his desire to be dominated by a woman. Your submissive desires are your true nature trying to find expression within a society that is trying to dictate to you how you must behave toward the opposite gender. You were told that women are only attracted to a macho male and thus you view your submissive desires as a weakness and an affliction. You are conflicted because your desires do not correlate with your belief system. After all, if what you were taught were true, you would want to dominate women. I mean, you are aggressive in your career and your hobbies so why aren't you aggressive toward women? What's wrong with you?
The answer is absolutely nothing is wrong with you. You need to be true with who you are as a man and you need to embrace your submissive nature, not run from it. Submission is not weakness in a man. In fact, only a brave man has the courage to go against what society has taught him. Only a strong man is able to humble himself to a woman and confess his need to be dominated. Only a man of character is willing to come to terms with the fact that he is not superior to women.
You need to get honest with yourself. First, go to my site and under the links section, I want you to go to Max Fisch's Domina Guide. Go to the US section and look at how many women offer the service of Professional Domination. Take notice at the thousands upon thousands of Professional Dominant Women there are in this country alone. Then go to the International section and look at the thousands of Pro Doms there are around the world. Now ask yourself this, why are so many women offering this service? The supply is there only because the Demand is great. You are hardly alone in your need to be dominated by a woman. Millions of men are seeking Female Domination.
Guess who the clients are of these women? Name a profession and I can guarantee you that a man in that profession has been to a Dominatrix. Doctors, Politicians, Lawyers, Football Players, Construction Workers, etc. Name a physical build and I can guarantee you that a man of that build has been to a Dominatrix. Short men, thin men, heavy men, tall men, muscular men, etc. Do you see my point here? Submission is a condition of the mind and the heart. The outward appearance or temperament of a man has nothing to do with it. You are not unique. Your desires are very common within your gender.
So stop running from who you are and what you want from a relationship. You are miserable because you want to be something that you are not. A dog cannot be a cat and you cannot be anything but a submissive male. You can act like a macho, in charge, man's man but you can also act like a dog or a cat. You can act like anything you want to act like but it is just that, Acting. Instead, why not be who you really are. Look at being submissive as the positive thing that it is.
Submitting to a woman means to worship a woman, to adore a woman, to truly love a woman. Submitting to a woman means to serve a woman with a humble heart. That is not weakness in a man but strength. Your fetishes and D&S desires are merely the expressions of your longing for loving female authority. If you channel your submissive desires into the servitude of your wife, she will love it. You will not jeopardize your relationship but will instead enhance it. Just be careful not to overwhelm her with the D&S stuff before she is able to understand it. Instead, focus on serving her. Like you, she has been programmed to see society through patriarchal glasses. But most women want to be treated like a Queen and once they experience the ways of a submissive man who knows how to worship a woman, they will not trade that for any kind of machismo.