Ties That Bind: Questions about FemDom and Romance
Q. Ms. Sutton, my Wife and I have recently started our journey into D/s and have both found it very rewarding. However, my Wife wants to feel romanced. I have not been able to think of a way to romance her without both of us feeling like I am taking control. This problem flares up every so often and I would like to be able to do something about it, but I'm at a loss. Do you have any ideas or suggestions how I can be romantic without taking control from my wife?
A. This lifestyle should enhance romance, not take away from it. Perhaps she needs to deny you orgasms more often so you will keep your thoughts on her when she is not dominating you. Romance is the expression of one's love toward another. Do I have any ideas?
Write her poetry when she is not with you and allow your submissive feelings toward her to be channeled from your mind to your hand as you write (or type) your heart felt feelings for her. Then when she is in your presence, get on your knees and recite your poetry to her.
Buy her gifts, flowers, or balloons and present them to her. If she dominates you some night, you should be enthralled with her the next day and you should go out of your way to express your gratitude by surprising her with a gift.
Here is one of my favorites. Draw her a bubble bath, light candles around the tub, undress her and bathe her. Pour her a glass a wine and allow her to drink it as she soaks. Then bathe her, dry her off, carry her to her bed and orally service her. She is your Queen and you are her servant. She is still in control and you are pleasuring her with a worshipful and submissive attitude. This is very romantic but is still an exercise in FemDom.
Take her out for a night of romance. Take her to dinner at a nice restaurant then take her dancing or to see a show. You could add some D&S to the evening as she can be wearing sexy lingerie under her dress and you can be wearing a pair of her panties or a cock ring or a chastity device under your pants. Lavish her with kisses and affection throughout the evening and I guarantee you if she is not too tired, she will want you to worship her body when you two get home.
Again, romance is the expression of your love toward her. Love is an act of submission in a man. Allow your submissive energy and desires to be channeled in the expression of your worshipful and subservient attitude toward her. Humble yourself and write poetry or a song for her. Humble yourself and serve her in intimate and personal ways. Balance out the hardcore D&S with plenty of soft and romantic FemDom activities as well.
Q. Can a man be both a lover and a slave to a woman or do you think once a man becomes a woman's slave, she will need to find a different man to be her lover? This might explain why so many FemDom couples gravitate toward cuckolding.
A. A man can absolutely be both a woman's slave and her lover. Why not? History records how actual male slaves were lovers to Queens and Mistresses and female slaves had sexual relations with Kings and Masters. In some respects, the Mistress/slave relationship adds an extra element to the physical relationship and this adds excitement to the sex. Why do you think so many people have role-played a variance of the Mistress/slave scenario? It may not be a reality in their everyday lives but the fantasy adds spice to the bedroom. If the fantasy is exciting, how much more the reality?
The man who is a woman's slave and who is use to obeying her outside of the bedroom will be more inclined to focus on her sexual needs in the bedroom, denying himself as he focuses on his Mistress. The Mistress/slave relationship makes for powerful and intense sex. The slave must pleasure his Mistress however she desires and for as long as she desires or else he will be disciplined. His performance may be evaluated and he may be rewarded or punished accordingly. The slave loves his Mistress and worships her. His act of pleasuring her is almost spiritual because he is not her equal and he is not worthy of her. This excites him and he is full of passion for her, yet he must learn self-control and deny himself unless she allows him to experience pleasure. He is only worthy to clean her house, to work for her, to run errands for her yet she is honoring him by allowing him to sexually serve her as well. This is romantic and passionate. The Mistress/slave relationship makes for intense sex.
As far as cuckolding goes, I have explained what this represents in great detail. Done correctly, cuckolding is ultimately sex occurring within the psyches of the dominant wife and the cuckolded husband. It is an act of female liberation and male humiliation. A man need not be the slave of his wife to be cuckolded and the Mistress of a husband slave need not cuckold him. These are two different subjects that may interconnect but need not connect.
Do some women evolve in their relations with their slave husband so that the slave husband is cut off from traditional sex? Yes, that does happen as the Mistress wife decides that this is the best course for her relationship with her slave husband. This is usually done to exert more power or to take the FemDom lifestyle to a new level. In these type of FemDom relationships the wife may take a separate lover so that she is not lacking in that area while she takes her husband to new levels in his submission to her. She may use the cuckolding to drive the slave husband to that deeper place of slavery or submission. However, that is not a result of the Mistress Wife/slave husband relationship. It is simply a choice made by the dominant wife.
I would guess that the majority of FemDom relationships where the husband goes from being his wife's submissive to being her 24/7 slave still involves plenty of sexual and intimate contact between the wife and her slave husband. Again, a Mistress/slave relationship can make for some very exciting and powerful sexual relations. A man is certainly able to be both a woman's slave and lover. As a matter of fact, I think a willful slave husband makes for the best kind of lover to a woman because he now exists to serve her needs both inside and outside of the bedroom.
Q. Hi Elise, I'm happily married to my husband for 12 years. At my husband request I started to read your web-site and a magazine he purchased called Whap. I enjoy being dominant for the most part but there are times when I just want to love my husband. He seems to always want me to dominate him. Any advice?
A. Yes, tell your husband to appreciate what he has in you and tell him to keep his mouth shut if he wants you to dominate him. A man needs both discipline and nurturing. Fortunately for him, that is the female nature. Women like to both dominate a man and love a man. Discipline and Love go hand and hand. Your husband is probably just too eager for the domination as it moves him more emotionally and sexually than does your sweet and nurturing side. In time, he will long for both.
For now, you need to stop him from toping you from below (controlling you from his submissive role). The best way to do this is to communicate to him how you need to express both your nurturing nature and your dominant nature. Tell him that just because you want to love on him, kiss him and hug him does not mean that you are incapable of being a Bitch. Chances are he is afraid that you will lose interest in dominating him so he views your soft side as being an adversary to your dominant side. This shows a lack of understanding on his part of the female nature.
He is not alone. Many men make this same mistake and what they risk is driving their wife out of FemDom with their demands for domination. A submissive needs to concentrate on serving his wife and seducing her dominance with his submission. The best way for a man to stir those dominant juices in a woman is by submitting to her in a humble fashion. The worst thing a man can do is to nag a woman to be dominant.
What you need to do is to relax and don't allow him to pressure you. Find what you enjoy about being a dominant woman and incorporate it into your relationship with him. Discover what his D&S interests are and explore his submission with him but use your knowledge as a tool to drive him deeper into submission to you. This lifestyle is about your needs being met by him. It is not about him pressuring you to be what he wants. Let him know this and don't be afraid to tell him that if he tries to control you, than you will not dominate him inside of the bedroom. Tell him that if he wants to be dominated inside of the bedroom, than he better also obey you outside of the bedroom.
Q. As many of your other writers, I was introduced to the idea of female domination by my significant other. We came across your website surfing the web together, and were both excited by many of the things we read here. I sense much truth in what you say, and I believe we are ready to explore this lifestyle further.
My question however, is this: Can I still be vulnerable and open with my man, or, in order to truly dominate him in the way he desires, must I always remain strong and in control?
A. Some FemDom marriages venture out into an advanced relationship and into what is considered an untraditional marriage. In these relationships, the wife may be less inclined to confide in her husband about certain areas of her life (career, outside relationships). However, it boils down to consensual adults embracing the type of marriage that works best for them. The woman who takes this course is less likely to be concerned about being vulnerable to her husband. Now having said that, please remember that these marriages are the exception and not the rule.
Most FemDom marriages are no different than any other marriage when it comes to the need for openness and the ability to communicate. In fact, the FemDom marriage is usually stronger because of the level of trust and honesty that has been established. The male who has introduced this lifestyle to his wife has made himself vulnerable and this will forge a deeper level of trust and intimacy between them both.
Just because the woman has taken charge of the marriage, that does not mean she is no longer allowed to communicate her feelings and emotions to her husband. It has been my experience that the submissive husband is more open to listen to his wife, as he now exists to serve her. Compare the submissive husband to the so-called macho or traditional husband and I think you will find the submissive husband is more eager to make himself available to meet his wife's needs. The submissive husband is motivated to serve and the D&S causes that more intimate bond.
The dominant wife still needs that life partner to be there to express her disappointment or frustration. The woman who had a horrific day at work and wants to be cuddled and comforted by her husband should discover that the submissive male is truly interested and is honored to be there for her. Comfort and support is not dominance. For centuries the submissive wife has been there to comfort and support her husband. Society has expected this out of the woman so now that the tables are turned, the submissive husband needs to be there for his wife to provide emotional support. The D&S sessions and FemDom activities should keep the husband centered and focused on serving his Queen, be that service domestically, sexually, socially or emotionally.