Hurts So Good: Questions about Female Sadism and male masochism

Q. Dear Elise, Recently a lady friend of my told me that when taking psychology in college a few years ago, the text book stated that there is a difference in the ways sadistic tendencies are displayed in men and women.

I had always thought that sadism was displayed by one person receiving pleasure by inflicting pain and/or suffering on another. According to my friend, the book stated that this was true when it came to most men, and some women, but for the most part, sadistic tendencies were displayed differently in women. It stated that women display these tendencies through the "imposing disgusting tasks" and "moral humiliation". I had never thought of it in this context, and wonder if you would please comment on the subject.

A. My philosophy is that all sadism within men is dangerous but some sadism within women can actually be beneficial. Men are naturally aggressive and are physically stronger than women. Strength and aggression are dangerous if not controlled. Add sadistic desires to a man who is strong and aggressive, and you have the formula for disaster. Maximum-security prisons and death row are full of males who could not suppress their sadistic desires and the pain they have caused on society is evident.

Society has been trying to develop a model where these men can be reached when they are children and thus re-programmed to be submissive and not aggressive. There are all kinds of pilot programs in schools (most developed my feminists) to teach young boys to be less aggressive. Most of these programs fail because being aggressive is a part of being a boy. But if these boys can be taught and encouraged to be submissive to the female gender and to view the female gender with respect and admiration, studies show they stand a great chance of growing up to be law abiding and less violent.

Boys left undisciplined, tend to gravitate to violent and sadistic desires. Pulling the wings off of butterflies or burning grasshoppers with the reflection of the sun off a piece of glass is common mischievous behavior from boys. Look at how many boys get in trouble in grade school for pulling the hair of a female classmate. This is common in every elementary school because boys are basically the same everywhere. Something is within the male to be violent and mischievous and that natural aggression must be fettered, harnessed and brought under control when he is a child or else society may be at risk when he becomes a two hundred pound young man.

Fortunately, nature also places within males the natural desire to be submissive to the female gender. This desire keeps the desire to be aggressive in check. I believe the natural sexuality and feminine power of women touches boys at a young age and tames the beast within. Show me a society where women are kept at home and under cover and I will show you a society of young boys who are easily recruited to be violent. There is a correlation between the two. Where women are respected and admired, the males of that society will grow up to be more submissive and less violent, if these boys have a strong women in their lives to cultivate and nurture those submissive seeds within.

Women are different. Girls tend to gravitate to the lovelier things in life. Yet, women possess the inner strength and the desire to be both nurturing and dominant. The problem has been that women have been programmed and kept down for centuries and have only recently been liberated to the place where they can effectively use their natural dominance for the common good.

The key for women is for women to overcome past stereotypes and past societal expectations. One way to overcome is to experiment with their own aggressive and dominant traits. While not as strong in women as in men, the ability to be aggressive is within women. Women possess the intellect and the moral character to lead but where they fall short to the male gender, is women allow the more aggressive males to bully them and intimidate them. This is understandable because on the outside, men are physically stronger. However, women are now beginning to understand that they possess inner power through their sexuality and feminine ways. Men cannot resist this and in fact, men want to submit to this.

If the female gender will free and exercise her aggressive and out going tendencies, when combined with her intellect, moral character and sexual power, she will be able to assume positions of authority in our society and lead with success. Men cannot resist (and does not want to resist I might add) a powerful, confident and dominant woman. All that women need to do is exert a little outward aggressiveness to free her previously dormant dominant nature.

That is where D&S comes into play. What a Godsend the D&S lifestyle has been for women because it allows the woman a safe and fun arena to practice releasing her aggressive side. It gives the woman an outlet to be aggressive and yes, in some cases, sadistic. It allows her to exercise her dominant nature and this will help her not to be intimidated by the male gender when she is out in the world. A woman who is use to seeing a man on his knees before her at home in her bedroom, will come to be at ease with seeing men under her authority and dominance in society as a whole.

Since men are physically stronger and usually larger than women, this affords the female the opportunity to be a little sadistic with her man in a D&S session. When combined with the knowledge of how to be sadistic in a safe and sane manner through educating herself, a woman can draw out more of a man's submissive nature and thus the experience can be beneficial and fulfilling for both the dominant female and the submissive man.  A mild form of female sadism can be a liberating thing for a female as it is an exercise that can help her to experiment with and develop the aggressive and dominant side of her persona.

Back to your original question, female sadism is usually expressed more psychologically than physically. This is because of two reasons. Outside of D&S, a woman has to practice mental domination and mental sadism on men because men are physically stronger. Women use their intellect to get inside of the man's head to torment him. Women are great at spotting a man's weakness and exploiting it for her advantage. This demonstrates the inner desire of women to be dominant over the male gender. Some call this "a woman knowing how to push a man's buttons" and it is a reality. Women have been referred to as manipulative and cunning as far back as the Garden of Eden. But the fact is that women know how to dominate a man from a psychological edge. It comes natural for women to do this.

Even within a D&S relationship, women seem to prefer mental and psychological domination to physical domination. I must admit that I gain a lot more satisfaction in dominating a man using my mind than a whip. To me, the whip is merely a prop. What I am saying and how I am getting inside of a man's head during a scene of corporal punishment is far more important than the actual physical act. Yes, I enjoy being physical because I get to exercise my aggressiveness but my real enjoyment comes from the mind games and the control I get from the mental domination.

In the end, D&S is really played out in the arena of the minds. All power exchanges are completed in the mental realm long before they manifest in the physical realm. The same goes for female sadism. Extreme female sadism is as dangerous as male sadism if the motivation is anger and hate. But within a loving Female Domination relationship, a little female sadism can be a productive thing for both parties involved.

Q. I join the long list of people in praise of your web site. It has been tremendous to find issues that I have wrestled with, both alone and with my wife, dealt with in such a comprehensive, enlightening, intelligent and sensible way.

However, having said that, I am struggling with apparent contradictions between your stated personal philosophy and some of the practices that you appear to endorse. I would agree that lots of men are open to acceptance of the female sex as inherently superior and that some men, including myself, have very strong submissive tendencies that we sometimes crave to be satisfied. However, not all submissive men are masochists and I would say that the fact that a man is submissive should not automatically make him vulnerable to unwelcome sadistic practices by his female partner. Furthermore, I don't see how one partner forcing sadistic practices on the other can be compatible with the maintenance of a loving relationship.

You say in your personal profile that you abhor violence, yet you point people to the OWK web site, where extreme female sadism is illustrated and where every male's behind is covered in a mass of bruises and stripes from severe beatings. You say that you have a strong Christian faith, so how can you endorse women torturing their partners and in one case, treating them as less than human by feeding them dog food and the like?

Ms Sutton, I would imagine that there are hundreds of thousands of men like myself who would love to be able to point their wives or girlfriends to your web site in order to explain their interest in Fem Dom and to encourage their partners to incorporate it into their lifestyle. Unfortunately, there are presently two basic perception obstacles that need to be removed for such an action to stand much chance of success. The first is the idea that female domination is only practiced by leather clad, pouting double D cup amazons - the imagery on your site does nothing to dispel this myth.

The second is that the male pointing the female towards the site will be looking to interest them in far out, perverted sadomasochistic practices - unfortunately, the wackos have crept on to your site and in my view, are spoiling its impact and severely limiting its potential for spreading your Fem Dom wisdom to women presently unaware of its potential to liberate both themselves and their would-be submissive partners.

A. I am glad to hear that you enjoy my site and that you think it is a valuable tool in helping to empower women, as well as educating them about this lifestyle. I am sorry if you do not agree with all the content that is on my site and that you feel some of the material portrays a contradicting message. However, you must realize that my site is designed to discuss the many topics that fall under the Female Domination umbrella. To limit the scope to appeal only to novices and those with a more mainstream interest in Female Domination, would limit the audience and the benefit of the site.

Sometimes people need to come out of their comfort zones and be challenged with thoughts and ideas that they may initially view as extreme or as a contradiction to their own philosophy. What a person may view as being extreme or perverted today, they may embrace tomorrow as they grow in this lifestyle. Who decides where the line should be drawn? Naturally since it is my site, I decide. If I were to redraw that line each time someone were to advise me on what my site should be about, I would be redrawing that line every other week.

If I understand your question, you feel that some of the letters and stories are from people on the fringe in this lifestyle and that I should not be posting such material or addressing it. But do you not realize that there are people who would consider your FemDom beliefs to be on the fringe? Some people wander onto my site and freak about topics that you would consider mild and tame. Some people may freak at the thought of a man submitting to a woman in a marriage. Some people may freak about the thought of a grown woman spanking a grown man. Some people may freak about discipline or about strap-on play or about orgasm denial or about cuckolding or about golden showers. All of these topics are practiced by people in the Female Domination lifestyle. So again, where do we draw the line?

The desire to submit to women is expressed differently within men. As I have said repeatedly, the core nature is the same but the expression of that nature will manifest itself differently within men based on a number of factors and variables. We have to be open-minded to discuss all of these topics because trust me, there are women out there who are in relationships with men who have these desires and these women have questions about these desires. If I were to leave out the question or the story about an extreme example of D&S, then I would eliminate the potential to educate the woman who is confused about her husband's particular fantasies and desires.

Yes, I so abhor violence but you have taken that comment out of context. I endorse loving, consensual female domination. Do you realize how many men seek for female sadism? It is the submissive male that has these fantasies and desires. They originated from within the psyche of the male, not the psyche of the female. The Other World Kingdom website is successful because of the millions of males who frequent their site. Yes, OWK is owned and operated by women but they are merely adding the supply to meet the demand. To ignore the phenomenon of OWK is to pass on the opportunity to have an intelligent and important discussion about the depth of the desire of the male gender to submit to the female gender and to better understand how powerful that desire can be within certain males. Masochism is a part of submission with some men. It can be said, that the entire modern Female Domination movement was launched by the book "Venus in Furs", which is about both male submission and male masochism.

Female Domination is a big umbrella because the male submission nature is expressed in many forms and desires. Your wife may not have the need to read about female sadism or male masochism, but trust me, there are wives out there who have questions about why their husbands visit the OWK site and why their husbands get turned on by those extreme images that you mention. My site may be the only place where they can discuss the psychological, sexual and social reasons and implications of these so-called extreme FemDom desires. I have studied these things for decades and I can tell you that while the individual fantasies and desires may vary in form and degree of intensity, the core nature is the same, namely the desire of the man to submit to the female. I feel it is important to cover all topics and all FemDom lifestyles in a loving and intelligent manner.

Finally, I want my site to be thought provoking but also fun. Have fun with the stories and the creative role-playing scenarios. The dog food example you referenced was within a role-playing scenario. It was two adults playing. Female Domination should be fun and exciting. Couples write me all the time telling me how exciting and fun their sex lives have become since they discovered my site. Yes, I want to change the world one marriage at a time but I also want all parties to have fun in the process.

Q. Ms Sutton, I read with great interest your response to the question about female sadism. I find that particular topic to be fascinating. I think my interest in female domination is the dissimilarity between the moods of a woman. Billy Joel wrote a song, "She's Always A Woman To Me" where he talks about that dichotomy of the female personality. "She can kill with a smile, She can wound with her eyes...She'll promise you more than the Garden of Eden, She casually cuts you and laughs while your bleeding." Then there's the line that goes "She is frequently kind and She's suddenly cruel ." That is the line in the song that came to my mind when I was reading your explanation of female sadism.

To me, that song explains why men long to be dominated by a woman. We all know that girls are made of "sugar and spice and everything nice" and that women are soft, tender, loving and kind. When I was a boy I would always run to Mom because she was so caring and nurturing. I think most men recognize the unconditional love that women seem to have in their hearts. However, as we become men and begin to interact with the female gender, we soon recognize that slightly sadistic side of women and we become aroused by it. We ponder, "How can this soft and beautiful person have such a cruel and controlling side to her personality?" That is the mystery of woman that men have been unable to solve.

I firmly believe that is why men love Female Domination and sites like OWK. There is something about seeing a beautiful woman torturing a man. Deep down inside, we know that women are better than us and of a more loving nature. We trust women and admire women, both their outward beauty and their inner beauty. Yet, there is that black widow spider aspect to the female nature that fascinates us. They lure us into their web with their beauty and sexuality and get us to drop our guards and surrender to them. Then once they have our trust, they toy with us, control us and dominate us. Men may rule the world in an outward way but women really rule the world because they rule men.

We know this to be true but are afraid to admit it openly or publicly. Therefore, we explore the female nature in secret, behind closed doors, through books, magazines, movies, and now the Internet. We worship women in secret and crave to be tortured by them and to watch other men be tortured by them. We are still trying to figure out their complex natures and their sexual power and we end up esteeming them as being superior to us, Goddess like. We do this secretly, within our own souls, less we be ridiculed by our male peers. That is my explanation as to why female domination is the ultimate male sex fantasy. We want to see and experience the outward expression that portrays that which happens internally when we try to have relations with a woman. Women are beautiful, sexy and lovely but they know how to manipulate us and control us but we have no answer for it. We cannot do anything about it for we are helpless. Why do women win our hearts and than "casually cut us and laugh while were bleeding"? Why do these lovely and superior beings become sadistic toward us?

Ms Sutton, I am not expecting you to answer these time old questions but I am merely expressing to you the thoughts within my soul. I would be honored if you would comment on them for I see you as being a teacher and a guide to my gender. I want to learn and be transformed into a skilled servant to the female gender.

I love and admire women. I am captivated by the female gender. I have been in relationships with women, I have loved them and admired them. Yet they still remain a mystery to me. I no longer want to be the equal of a woman. I have given up trying to be the knight in shining armor who sweeps a woman off her feet. I have been that in the past but my damsels in distress ended up trying to rule over me, becoming frustrated with my lack of service, and ultimately rejecting me.

I now just want to be the slave of a woman. Pure and simple, no more games, no more pretending. I want to serve a woman, to do her biding, to please her at all times, to be the recipient of both her love and her sadism. For that is my fate as a male, so why be anything else? After all, no matter how a woman may treat me, it does not matter for "she's always a woman to me" and I love her and worship her.

A. Thank you for pouring out your heart like that in such a poetic way. I am sure other men will read this and say Amen. You have no doubt captured in your words how many men feel. Billy Joel did that and that is why that song was so popular. Men would hear that song and say, "Yes, that is exactly what my wife (or girlfriend) is like."

I appreciate your heart-felt expression because as a woman, I can better understand the submissive man when he allows his inner feelings to be expressed in sincerity and honesty. I may not necessarily agree with your assessment of women but that's not what's important. What is important is as a woman, by reading your heart felt expressions, I am able to see how you view the female gender, and that gives me knowledge and further insight into the submissive male nature.

You are not alone in your feelings, as other men have expressed similar thoughts to me about the excitement they feel and the allure of viewing a beautiful woman expressing her sadistic side. Seeing the feminine body adorned not in soft lingerie but in wicked looking black leather. Seeing a sexy woman with such a pretty face, wielding a whip while flashing a devious smile. Hearing the soft and angelic voice of a woman barking out authoritative commands or even spewing profanity or verbal humiliations. Watching a sophisticated and refined lady administering a severe whipping or punishment on a man. All of these images are a contrast in most men's minds and this contrast does captivate men. These images do touch the psyche of a man and unleashes his submissive desires to serve the female.

That is why I tell women, who are exploring their dominant natures, to go that extra mile. Men are visual so I advise women to wear the leather, brandish the whip, say those catch phrases in an authoritative voice. By doing so, she will trigger the male's submissive nature and touch him at his core being.

Women complain that men are shallow and do not express their feelings but what women fail to realize is that you need to peel the male psyche back like an onion. Touch him at his soul and he will overcome his inhibitions and be able to express his true feelings. That is what you have done with this letter. Which brings me to an important suggestion to women.

Ladies, as you dominate your man and take him deeper into submission to you, give him outlets to express his creative side. I recommend having the man keep a diary where he records his thoughts and feelings. Require that he record his thoughts about each D&S session or every time he views or experiences something that causes him to feel submissive toward women. It may be a play session with you or a scene in a movie or a song on the radio. Have him record these thoughts in his diary and then you can read his diary and gain a deeper insight into your man's submissive nature. It will be an eye opening experience and should allow you to bond with him on a deeper and more meaningful level.

When a woman comes into the knowledge that her man sees himself as a slave to her beauty and feminine nature, she will begin to see herself in a similarly positive light. To men, women are complex and mysterious and that will always be the woman's advantage as she seeks to gain control over the men in her life. It is by nature's design and even us women do not totally realize the power we have over men. But the more men are able to express their true feelings in art, song and word, the better insight women will have of how men view us and thus, the better insight we will have of our true natures.

Thank you again for pouring your heart out and I do wish you success in your journey. If you can continue to express yourself so poetically to women, you should not have trouble finding a woman to serve. Best wishes.

Q. My question to you stems from a few things you said in your response to the inquiry concerning how women display sadist tendencies. My sister-in law is trying to get me to be more dominant with my husband. You talked about, "Women use their intellect to get inside of the man's head to torment him."  You also said, "I must admit that I gain a lot more satisfaction in dominating a man using my mind than a whip. To me, the whip is merely a prop. What I am saying and how I am getting inside of a man's head during a scene of corporal punishment is far more important than the actual physical act. Yes, I enjoy being physical because I get to exercise my aggressiveness but my real enjoyment comes from the mind games and the control I get from the mental domination."

Would it be too much to ask you to please elaborate further on how you go about doing this?  Such as:
  - Just what is it you do, and what results are you looking to get from the man?
  - Do you restrain your partner during corporal punishment scenes? If so, how do you restrain him?
  - How does your whip come into play?
  - Would you tell us about some of the "mind games" you like to play, and have found to be effective?

Once again, thank you for a wonderful site for us women who have chosen to play a more dominant roll in society.

A. Lets see if we can't have some fun with this one. Rather than me trying to answer each of your individual questions, why don't I just give you a possible D&S scenario? Keep in mind that this is only one possible scene and that I would tailor it toward each male depending on his submissive nature and my particular mood.

First, I would prepare the man I was going to sexually dominate by playing some mind games throughout the day or even the week leading up to the session. The great thing about dominating your husband is that your everyday life is an opportunity to prepare him for a D&S session. The simplest things in life are opportunities for the woman to exert subtle dominance over her man, and thus prepare him for an intense D&S session. Little comments, certain facial expressions and body language are all ways to stir your man's submissive nature.

Perhaps my husband and I are going to the mall or going to dinner or simply running errands together. I might wear my leather jacket or a leather skirt or a pair of tight leather pants. If I know my husband has a leather fetish, I may use that against him. During our drive to the mall or the restaurant, I might take his hand and rub it over the leather material of my jacket or pants to get him aroused. Since he is kept denied most of the time, he usually becomes hard in no time. I will probably remove any chastity device before we leave the house so his penis is free. Then after I get him aroused, I might make a comment to him about how the bulge in his pants is quite noticeable. This will cause him to feel self-conscious as we are out in public and add some public humiliation for him. Of course, throughout our meal or shopping I will make little comments to him that I know will push his buttons, which will make him aroused and thus embarrassed about walking around with an erection. Most people will not notice but I know that my husband is easily embarrassed.

I might make little comments to the waitress or the sales lady to embarrass my husband. Nothing too extreme but I might become brazen or bitchy and snap at my husband or give him a stern order in front of another woman. I know he hates this but his humiliation also makes him aroused and submissive.

Another thing I might do the night before or the day of a D&S session, is I might have him polish my leather boots. I may have him clean and polish my boots, as this will draw out his fetish. Or maybe I will make him wash some of my panties by hand. I'll assign clever chores for him that will stir his submission and also arouse him. I may tease him often, making sure I walk around the house naked or wearing very little. Again, the denial process will cause him to become aroused and submissive with very little effort. I may kiss him often and passionately the days leading up to a session, to again arouse him and prepare him.

Once the time comes for a session, I will first prepare for the session buy dressing sexy and getting myself in a dominant and bitchy mood. That is easy for me but some women may want to give themselves little self-talks in the mirror, as they admire their own fetish-clad bodies. The might say things like, "I am so sexy. I look so hot. I feel extremely dominant. I can't wait to drive my husband to his knees and have him worship me. I have a masterpiece for a body. Sex is for the woman's pleasure. My husband is so pussy whipped and I have him wrapped around my little finger. If our friends only knew how my husband submits to me in our marriage. There is no doubt who rules this relationship and I will further his submission to me this very night."

Once I am in the mood and I have the proper attitude, then I will call for my husband. Now you must remember that he is extremely aroused by the teasing and prep work I have done throughout the week. Once he sees me in my fetish outfit, maybe even holding a whip in my hand and maybe even with a dildo strapped around my waist, he immediately becomes weak in my presence and overcome with excitement and submission.

I might sit in a chair or on the edge of my bed and I will order him to strip naked for me. Then I may order him to kiss my boots or shoes, while I run my hands through his hair and caress his shoulders and his back. If he has polished these same boots the night before, he tends to have a lust for boot worship. Or I might make him kneel and I may walk behind him and caress his body all over while I whisper dominant and sexual saying to him. Things like, "You're my pet, aren't you? You will do whatever I ask of you tonight, isn't that right? I am superior to you and you are honored that I allow you to be in my presence, isn't that right slave?"

Next, I might have him recite things to me. I might have him confess his place in our marriage and confess his submissive feelings toward me. If he stumbles finding the right words to say, I might make him repeat sayings after me. I might make him say, "I am not worthy of you Mistress. I pledge my obedience to you, Goddess. Sex is for the woman's pleasure and I am here to serve you."

By doing this, I am invading his mind and pulling out his submissive nature and deep-rooted desires. Picture a thermometer with a reading from 1 to 10. My goal is to get him submission level and his sexual energy to 10. The image of me in my fetish attire might take him from 1 to 5. Then my soft caresses and sexy voice takes him to 6. My dominant words might take him to 7. Him confessing his proper place in our marriage might take him to 8. Kissing my boots or licking my leather-clad body might take him to 9. In a matter of minutes, I have him in the palms of my hands.

Next, I may tie him up. Either face down on my bed, or over a piece of bondage equipment like a spanking horse or even over a bondage table or a massage table. Then I will really play with his mind. I might walk around him so he can get a good vision of my boots and legs as I encircle him. My husband loves to see my muscular legs, perhaps encased in fishnet stockings and emphasized by the high heels of my boots or shoes. I love to walk around his helpless body and give him a front seat view of my beauty and sexuality. I take my time so he becomes overcome with the feeling of being helpless as he is bound. Also, it is important when you are teasing a man that you are flirtatious and playful.

Then I might take one of my whips and pose with it at a vantage point where he gets a good look. I want him to she the discipline tool of my choice. I like to play with the whip. If it is a riding crop, I might bend it a little. I might swish it through the air so he can hear the sound. After he has been teased by the appearance and sound of the whip, I will take the whip and caress his naked and exposed body with it. I will give him a gentle massage with the tip of the crop or the strands of the flogger. I will tickle his flesh in a seductive way with the whip.

I want to get him to anticipate his punishment. I want him to crave it. I want his mind to conjure up the memories of the last time he was disciplined with this particular implement. I want him to recall how it felt. I want him to fear it and also be excited by it. I will toy with him. I might draw back the whip and suddenly bring it down hard on the side of the bed or against a leg of the table. He will flinch when he hears the snapping sound of the whip and sudden crack as it makes contact with the bed or the table, but he will realize that it never made contact with his flesh. I will massage his butt cheeks with the tip of the whip and continue to toy with him. His body language will be pleading for it, as his butt will begin to arch in anticipation.

Once I have him where I want him, then I will quickly strike his flesh with the whip, not too hard with the initial blow, but just enough for it to sting. I will toy with him from this point on. I might give him five quick moderate blows, then caress his ass with my hands, then give him some more blows. I will rotate between the discipline and my sensual caresses. I will also use my voice to play with his mind. I will start out by whispering sensual and sexual words as I am caressing his body but as I strike him with the whip, I will change my voice to bitchy and authoritative.

An example, (as I am caressing his body with the whip, I speak in whispers) "Are you going to be a good boy and obey Mistress? Are you going to take your punishment and suffer for me?" (Then as I quickly strike his ass with the whip my voice changes to loud and stern) " You've been a disobedient husband, HAVEN'T YOU WORM? You have not given me your all this week, HAVE YOU SLAVE?" (Then after he agrees with me, I switch back to talking softly as I caress his sore behind) "You'll do a better job this week, isn't that right sweetie?"

I will get his mind to equate the soft and sexy tone of my voice with tender caresses and the stern tone of my voice with the discipline. This will work for my advantage later on when I may switch it up and all of a sudden use my stern voice. He will flinch and expect the whip but it might not come. This is a classic example of pushing his buttons and playing mind games with him.

During this discipline session, I will at some point change implements. I may switch from the flogger to the riding crop or I may switch from the crop to a leather paddle. If I want to be severe, I will break out the strap and the cane. I may rotate between tools of discipline and he will not know what is coming next, the crop, the paddle or the strap.

I might position my body so that my strap-on dildo is on the same level as his head. Then I may make him suck it as an exercise of humiliation. Perhaps after the discipline session, I will take him with the strap-on. Again, I will probably play with his mind. I will be playful and erotic as I put on a pair of latex gloves. I will allow him to see me apply lubrication to my fingers and then make him wait in anticipation before I explore him and penetrate him. The key is to build the anticipation. Make him expect it and make him crave it.

That goes with any activity. If I was going to drip hot wax onto his ass, I would let him watch me light the candle and I would tease him, make him expect it. Perhaps I would blow out the candle and set it down and take an eye-dropper full of water and drip that on his ass instead. His mind is expecting hot wax but instead it will feel cool water. This is another example of mind games.

If I were to give him an enema, I will bind him with his legs spread open and his ass cheeks pulled wide apart. I will show him the filled enema bag and place it on the pole or whatever I chose to hang it from. I will then tease him with the warm water before I gave him the enema. Why rush through these things? You want them to be erotic and you want to engage in some psychological torture. I will drip the warm water onto his butt hole, in slow increments. His butt will rise in anticipation. He will begin to crave the enema by the time I am done. I will slowly insert the nozzle into him, fucking him with it by sliding it in and out. Finally, I will insert it all the way in. Then I will whisper to him "Are you ready to take the full bag for Mistress?" Then I will release the water and fill him. Then I might put in a butt plug and force a chastity belt on him or just use some duct tape to hold the plug in place. As he squirms from the uncomfortable pressure of the enema waters trapped inside of him, I will tease him with my words and make him beg me to release him so he can make his way into the bathroom to relieve himself.

These are some examples of how I would use mind games during a D&S scene. The whips, the candle, the dildo, the enema are all props and implements of discipline. It is my voice, my willingness to tease and torment, my sexuality, my beauty that gets inside of his head and draws out his submission. I learn what buttons to push and then I use that knowledge to my advantage. Each man is different so you have to learn what buttons to push to stir your man's submission. Once you gain that knowledge, the rest is easy.

Q. First, As so many of your readers have done, let me congratulate you on maintaining such a high quality, informative site. My wife and I have recently progressed from FemDom "play" on a part-time basis to a truly 24/7 relationship. That transition was made easier by the intelligent, responsible advice that you dispense, Thank you.

Let me give you a little background on us. We've had a wonderful marriage for 27 years. From early on in our marriage we experimented with D/S play and found that we both preferred her to be in charge. For many years it was strictly a game and we only experienced it occasionally. Originally, I viewed this activity as strictly an exciting sexual game and my wife, for the most part, went along to please me. Which, as you can imagine, was frustrating for both of us and led to some arguments, etc. Another thing that inhibited us is that she, like you, is a Christian and had a hard time deciding if this went against God's will.

It seemed to me that she went to bed one night and when she woke up the next day she had resolved the issue in her mind. She told me that if we were going to do this it would be full time, on her terms or we would quit and never do it again. I, of course, couldn't imagine not being able to submit to her ever again so I readily agreed. I can honestly say that I've never regretted my decision.

We are still evolving, adding rules, defining roles and basically coming to terms with our new positions. As we've continued this process our roles have definitely changed. My wife is the queen of the house and she says that she sees me as her slave or property. We've always had a very close relationship, in fact we were best friends when we were kids and still are today. We enjoyed being together and doing things together before I was her slave and we still do. My wife says she loves and respects me very much and I have no reason to doubt that. We often discuss this lifestyle and what each of us feels or experiences during activities.

The question I have deals with a Dominant woman's ability to disconnect her feelings from the control of her slave. Which leads me to my question. My wife has no problem administering a very severe punishment, which could include whippings, pain or discomfort from bondage, suffering public humiliation, or a myriad of other disciplines. Normally, my wife is a very compassionate person, but she says that because she sees me as a slave, even though she still loves me, it doesn't bother her to witness or administer these disciplines.

Please don't misunderstand this post, I'm not complaining. I wouldn't change a thing about my life. I'm very happy being in complete submission to her and I accept whatever she decides, it's just that I like to try and understand motivations and feelings behind certain behaviors. My wife couldn't really explain it and perhaps doesn't yet understand this aspect herself. One thing I do know, this lifestyle has been wonderful for my wife. Her self-image has greatly improved, she's gotten a new job in the last year which pays close to double what any other position she's ever held has paid. We believe as her dominant nature emerges, she's growing in every aspect of her life. I think it's wonderful.

Thank you for your time both in considering this question and in providing so much information and insight, on your website, to those of us less informed.

A. Female Domination between willing and consenting adults is worlds apart from people who are suffering in life due to circumstances they did not choose. The female who has embraced her dominant nature is now in a position of authority over her spouse (perhaps for the first time in her life). Your wife knows that she has you under her control and her care so although she may make you uncomfortable at times, she knows within herself that she will not allow things to go too far. She knows that whatever pain she may cause you will be temporary and for a purpose. She is in control of the administration of that pain and she knows that she will never do anything to harm you. She is confident in being your Dominant and your Female Authority Figure.

However, when she sees a person who is not under her control and not under her authority that is suffering (a homeless person, a sick person, an emotionally wounded person) her heart is touched and she wants to help that person to ease their suffering. That is compassion and most women are very compassionate and sensitive to those who are suffering around them. Your wife sounds like a lovely woman with a good heart and you should trust her and be thankful that she is your Mistress.

Your wife has come to the same conclusion that a lot of women come to as it relates to this lifestyle. It is hard for women to just play games with Female Domination. The D&S play unleashes the dominant energy within a woman and once the energy is freed, it is hard on women to suppress it and only experience it during playtime. The on again and off again D&S play can lead to frustration. Your wife is blossoming into a beautiful and dominant woman. In order for her to reach her potential, female domination must be a lifestyle and not a game. She still desires for you to be her best friend and life partner but she does not want to be hindered by you seeing yourself as her equal. The traditional husband role confuses that issue so she has overcome that dilemma by viewing you as being her slave. Like I said, that is a common part of the growing evolution of the dominant female.

You mentioned that your wife is a Christian. The Bible talks about how God disciplines us but is careful to never lay upon us more than we are able to handle. God knows our limits and God disciplines us for our good. Your wife is obviously not God but she is in a position of authority over you so the same principle does apply. She knows your limits and she will expand those limits but she will be careful not lay more on you than you are able to handle. Much like the way a parent disciplines a child, it is unpleasant during the punishment but the motivation is love and the result is beneficial to the child. That is how your wife views her authority over you. Since you are a strong man, she knows you can withstand some pain and suffering as she expands your limits but her motivation is love toward you and she knows the results will be more control over you and more submission from you. The results will be beneficial for you both.

So my advice would be to keep the lines of communication open, continue to express to her your feelings and also request (in humility) that she affords you the use of a safe word if she wants to experiment with her sadistic side. Like I said, your wife sounds like a loving and compassionate woman. Authority and power in her hands can be trusted. Submit to her, continue to empower her with your submission and stand back and be amazed at her continued growth as a woman.

Q. Hello, I just discovered your site, and I love it!  It has been a help to me, but I did have a couple of questions:

1) I know I have that dominant side, and have seen it come out w/my boyfriend (he really enjoys it), but I'm having a hard time with developing it.  Do you have any suggestions?

2) My boyfriend's not really into spanking, whipping or anything of that nature, but he likes pain.  Is there anything that I can do that will give him pain, but without the spanking and the whipping?  I have some ideas, but you are definitely more experienced than I, so I'm sure that you would have some good things to suggest.

A. Let me first address your second question. I take it your boyfriend is a masochist since he desires pain. Or is he a mental masochist who fantasizes about being the receiver of pain at the hands of a woman, but in fact he does not enjoy pain in reality? Most men are more mental masochists than physical masochists. If he doesn't like to be spanked, I can't image he would like to be kicked in the groin, or have hot wax dripped on his flesh, or have Ben-gay rubbed on his genitals or have his nipples twisted.

You can make your boyfriend uncomfortable during a D&S scene but you should never try any activity without affording him a safe word and becoming educated about how to practice D&S in a safe and sane manner. Inflicting pain for no purpose is not what I am about. Inflicting temporary and minimal pain as a means of discipline or punishment is a common practice within FemDom. Many of these techniques and topics are discussed in the archive section of my Q&A forum. There are BDSM groups in most major cities where you can join and become educated about how to practice S&M in a safe and sane manner.

But I wonder if you are truly sadistic and is your boyfriend a true masochist? Perhaps you are and if so, many couples have intense D&S scenes in a safe, sane and consensual way. You would be wise to join a BDSM group to explore this interest in greater detail. However, BDSM is not necessarily FemDom. That brings me to your first question.

Domination is more about your attitude and your female authority than it is about inflicting pain on your boyfriend. The fetish outfits and the D&S activities can assist you as you explore your dominant nature. D&S is a great way for a woman to overcome her inhibitions and assist her as she unleashes her dominant nature. I would recommend that you do my psychoanalysis procedure (which is posted on my site) on your boyfriend so you can learn more about his submissive nature. Maybe he doesn't enjoy being spanked because he is not interested in intimacy. A spanking can be very erotic and extremely intimate. A man who wants pain but no intimacy is not a good candidate for a loving FemDom relationship. Such a man may have some issues to work out before he can give love and receive love.

Perform the psychoanalysis on him and see if this does not cause you to bond with him in an intimate way. If chemistry is there, then I would highly recommend that you order my additional procedures. These will assist you as you explore various D&S activities and will help you to embrace your dominant nature. Now I am assuming that the two of you are committed to each other. If he is just a casual boyfriend, then I do not recommend my procedures. These are for married or serous couples only.

Never forget that you are a beautiful woman who has a Tigress within. Female Domination is not about you becoming the fulfillment of your boyfriend's fantasies. Female Domination is about him serving you and treating you like a Queen. You dominate him and discipline him in order to motivate him to serve you. He needs this but the ultimate goal is for him to meet your needs. Never lose sight of this. Pain and discomfort is for a purpose. We know not to touch the hot stove again because the last time we did, we burnt our hand. We know to avoid the leg on the table because the last time, we stubbed our toe. The pain teaches us. Pain is a teacher when used correctly. Pain is destructive when used incorrectly. Men need discipline but discipline has a purpose. Female Domination is about the man serving you. Your dominant nature will prosper by feeding off of a man's genuine submission. Always keep that mind and you will go far with this lifestyle. I wish you the very best.

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