FemDom and Sex: Questions about Human Sexuality
Q. Elise, do lesbians make the best Doms? The best Dominatrix I ever had a session with was a lesbian. How do you feel about lesbians?
A. I love lesbians. Some of my best friends are lesbians. I don't endorse their lifestyle, due to my faith. However, I also don't judge or condemn them either, due to my faith. My own personal opinion on lesbians is this. Women have come to realize what pigs men can be. By their terrible treatment of women, men have forced women into each other's arms. Women know how to be romantic and to love. Women are great lovers. No wonder some women have given up on men and have decided that they don't need them.
What my lesbian friends fail to understand is that a submissive male is far different. A submissive male, with the proper training from a woman, can be feminine and make love softly like a woman, yet be rugged and masculine as a man. A submissive man is the best of both worlds.
Lesbianism is not far off for every woman. Most heterosexual women are not repulsed by the thought of touching of kissing another woman. Heterosexual men usually are repulsed by the thought of touching or even being touched by another man. Women are different. Go out to a nightclub and watch the way women will dance with each other. Most of these women will be heterosexual. Women don't fear being intimate with another woman.
History bears out how throughout the ages, women have been intimate with one another even though they were heterosexual and married to a man. As men would go off to wars and fight battles in other countries, the women would be left behind to raise the children and defend their homes. Without men around, these women often would nurture each other and form special friendships that included caresses, kisses, massages, and sometimes even sexual intimacy. Once the men came home, these women went back to having sex with their husbands but always cherished their special relationships with their female friends. Even in the Victorian era, women used to kiss, pinch and caress each other. There are many letters written from one woman to another, talking about their special times of intimacy that they enjoyed together. Again, these women were heterosexual and very much in love with their husbands but they still enjoyed many intimate times with other women. It is the same way today. Why is this? It's because women are beautiful. Women are romantic. Women are gentle and they know how to love. This is attractive to both sexes. That is why I say that every woman is not all that far away from lesbianism.
Women are born to desire men, not women. That is the natural order of things. However, when the male gender becomes overly macho and starts to abuse the female, this turns the woman's desires away from him and guess what? Her sexuality still needs to be practiced and exercised, so she makes the not so far leap over to desiring women. I have known quite a few lesbians who are really bisexual. Once they are introduced to the female domination lifestyle, these women have developed very intimate relationships with submissive men.
So to answer your initial question, a lesbian who likes submissive men would make an excellent Dominatrix. She can add that extra psychological dimension that she is unattainable to her male submissive because she prefers women. A man who is being disciplined by a lesbian knows that her excitement comes from the domination of the male gender and her interests in D&S are more social and psychological and not sexual.
Q. Elise, Your site was passed on to all in the BDSM Lifestyle Club in Yahoo Clubs. I read through your site with great interest and can very much relate with my own marriage. I am also interested in another area which I did not see addressed, that of the female Dom and a female sub. Do you have any thoughts on this particular issue? I would be most interested if you do. Thank you for a most informative site.
A. Thank you for the kind words about my site. There is a book titled "Some Women" by Laura Antoniou that you might be interested in. It is a series of essays written by women involved in D&S and Female Domination that primarily deals with the lesbian D&S relationship. I think you would enjoy this book and it is available on Amazon.com for around $8.
I believe in female supremacy and I would rather see a woman explore her submissive fantasies and desires with another woman rather than a man. I know of married couples that have a live in submissive female who is in submission to the wife but is dominant to the husband. This fits within my belief system as long as the submissive female is not in submission to a man.
As with any D&S relationship, there needs to be lots of honesty and openness between all parties to insure all are fulfilled. Lesbianism may or may not be a part of such a relationship. My opinion on lesbians is contained in a question already posted on my forum. If you are married, you need to be extra careful if a relationship with a woman with submissive desires is going to be sexual. The dominant wife having sex with the submissive female may be acceptable within the marriage for the purpose of humiliating and cuckolding the husband. However, having sex without the husband's consent is wrong whether it be with a woman or with a man. That is why all parties involved need to understand the rules and the expectations of such a relationship.
Of course, it is possible for a dominant woman and a woman with submissive fantasies and desires to have a non-sexual relationship. Such a relationship would consist of D&S only. Again, I would rather see a woman explore any submissive desires with a dominant woman rather than a dominant male.
Q. Ms Sutton, I am married to a wonderful woman with the potential to be a great Dominant. She has an aggressive and out going personality. The problem is, she tells me that she does not enjoy sex and she is not open to discuss anything she considers kinky. I feel that the female domination lifestyle would be her thing if she were to give it a try. By the way, this is a second marriage for both of us and she told me one time that she has never enjoyed sex. And she has never been one to show a lot of interest except when we were dating. Funny, but it seemed like she was a regular sex bunny while we were dating but marriage seemed to cool her libido for some reason.
Interestingly I do know my wife's ex-husband was a really domineering, macho creep who really tried to keep her under his thumb and fancied himself as a real love machine with the ladies. So, eventually she cut him off completely as far as sex was concerned. I have always treated her with respect and allowed her to be herself. About every 6 weeks or so she does seem to get extremely horny and she loves me to orally service her, both her ass and her pussy. Afterward, she will mount me and screw me until I climax but she seems bored as if she is only doing her wifely duty. After we are done, she grows cold again about sex for another six weeks or longer. Any advice?
A. It is difficult to give advice or an analysis without talking with your wife. However, it has been my experience that women become cold to sex after marriage for two primary reasons. A lack of romance or a lack of sexual excitement. Most women need romance and foreplay before sex and there are usually plenty of these during the dating phase of a relationship but not enough after marriage. Men tend to take women for granted after marriage and the mundane things of life tend to occupy a woman's time. The general stress of life can interfere with a woman's sexuality. This is especially true when children come along. A woman needs to be romanced. Most women do not like to just jump in the sack for a quickie. Unfortunately, for most marriages that is what sex becomes.
The other reason some women grow cold to sex is that sex becomes routine and boring after marriage. Sex during the courtship and dating period is exciting because it is with someone new. After marriage, the excitement and the thrill can give way to routine. The wonderful advantage of a female domination and D&S marriage is that sex is never routine and is always fresh and exciting. My advice to you would be for you to romance your wife and to seduce her dominant nature by serving her and pleasing her. You should wine and dine her like you did when you were dating. You should plan candle lit dinners where you wait on her and serve her dinner. You should bathe her, massage her with oils and lotions, and then orally service her. It sounds as if she enjoys being orally serviced and if done correctly, this may draw out her dominant nature. You should write poetry to her and express your thoughts on how you adore her and worship her. You should slowly introduce her to some D&S activities with her being the dominant partner. Romance and your submission should help her to relax and enjoy her sexuality.
If she does not respond to this, then that would be a sign that she may have a deeper issue that needs to be explored through some counseling. It is possible that there could be a physical condition or a deep psychological issue that is hindering her. If she desires sex about once every six weeks or so, then more romance and patiently seducing her dominant nature should stir her sexual appetite. I have known a number of women who used to say that sex was no big deal to them but now that they have learned about the female domination lifestyle, they can't get enough sex. I have know husbands who use to complain that their wives were not interested in sex but now they complain that their wives wear them out and they can't keep up with their wives sexually. This lifestyle has a way of opening up a woman to sex in a new and exciting way and once the Genie is out of her bottle, there is no putting her back in. When this happens, watch out because no single man can keep up with a woman who discovers her true dominant nature and sexuality. I hope this helps.
Q. Ms.Elise, I need your advice. I am a 23 year old man and I am still a virgin. I am truly frightened of women. I was always extremely shy around girls when I was just a young boy. When I reached my teenage years and discovered that my penis was much smaller than average, it made me feel so powerless, frightened and depressed. When I started hearing terms like "size matters" and "bigger is better" it crushed my heart into a million pieces and the more women have openly admitted that size matters over the last few years, the more depressed I have become.
I have cried about it for many years and feel unlovable. It terrifies me to know that women have so much sexual and emotional power over men and that they are going to reveal to the whole of society how men are not enough to satisfy women's deepest desires. It makes me feel that men are worthless in women's eyes and can never be enough no matter how much heart we put into life. That men can be replaced by better dildo's and vibrators and men don't have a place or any value to women anymore.
Boys were rather cruelly taught that real men are meant to be tough and crying is for girls. Told that boys must be brave, strong and always better than girls at everything. Men have been set up for a huge fall by what they were taught as children and it is agony to see women taking control now that we are adults. The only time I am able to deal with it is when I masturbate with it as my fantasy. For the last few years the only way I have been turned on is by the thoughts of women taking all of my power away. This usually involves the thoughts of how I am too small to ever satisfy a woman with my penis and how much of a disappointment I would be in bed because of my size (4.5").
As soon as the fantasy and masturbation is over, I feel awful about myself and often cry, wishing I could find a loving outgoing woman that TRULY didn't care about my size and would help me through it and understand how much despair and fear I feel about being sexually weak and a failure as a man as for what society and women expect a man to be. I am terrified of being revealed as worthless because women deserve more than I can give them in bed. The only way I know how to deal with my pain is through sexual fantasies and desires.
Do you think men with small penises are easier to dominate by women? Can small men ever have a respected place in society and amongst the DOM female community?
A. First of all, the average male penis is between five and seven inches. If you are four and a half, then you are only a half an inch from being within the average size. Most males think that they are smaller than average and dominant women capitalize on the fragile male ego to make a man think that he is smaller than average.
If men did not place such an emphasis on size, then women could not so easily manipulate men and play mind games with them. Sure, if all things were equal most women would prefer a large cock over a small one but the size of a man's penis ranks way down the list on what women are looking for in a man. Women are not as superficial as men are and while size may indeed matter to some women, most women prefer a man who is skilled in being oral over a man with a large dick. Like I have said before, a large cock can be bought in a store or ordered over the internet but a woman cannot buy the loving touches or gentle ways of a submissive man who has a reverence for women and who knows how to orally pleasure her with his mouth and his tongue.
My advice to you is to stop throwing yourself a pity party over your anatomy and instead begin to learn how to be a gentleman and how to treat women. Women want a man who will treat them like Queens and with the respect they deserve. A dominant woman wants a man who knows his place and who treats women with genuine submission and who is eager to serve. If you will focus on these things rather than your anatomy, you just may find yourself in a relationship.
Dominant women are less likely to be concerned with a man's penis size because the dominant woman is not impressed by the male penis, no matter if it is big or small. The dominant woman enslaves a man through his penis and it is the male's insecurities about his size that gives the dominant woman a powerful advantage.
Twenty-three is very young. You have your entire life ahead of you. I am sure you are a sweet man who has a lot to offer a woman. My advice to you is for you to spend less time worrying about that which you can do nothing about and instead focus your energy on that which you can change. Get yourself in shape, learn how to dress sharp, learn proper hygiene and manners, and begin to serve women with a humble and submissive attitude. Get the focus off of yourself and put it on others. If you will do this, you will begin to feel better about yourself and your healthy self-mage combined with the heart of a servant will make you attractive to women. Then when you are in a relationship with a woman, focus on meeting her needs and learn how to pleasure her the way she likes to be pleasured. If you will do this, she will not care about the size of your penis. Like you said, if she desires a large cock, she can always buy one. But she cannot buy a loving and submissive gentleman who will treat her like a Queen.