Power Exchange in the Bedroom: Questions about Strap-on Play


Q. Dear Elise, I found your site recently and I am amazed. My husband has been trying to get me to be "more dominant" for several years. I always thought he would "get over it" eventually, but after reviewing your material, I think it is for real. One thing my husband mentions frequently in bed is a desire to be "used like a girl". Do you have any advice about this? I know that it is not as unusual as I originally thought, but I would not know how to do it. (How big? for how long? can I do it in a way that will give ME an orgasm?) Thank you so much for your site. I really feel more confident having seen your information.

A. I am glad that you enjoy my site. I would imagine your husband wants you to feminize him and then take him with a strap-on. I would assume that is what he means by using him like a girl.

How big? Start out by taking him with your fingers. Wear a latex glove, use plenty of lubrication such as KY Jelly, and take him like that. Always begin dildo play by opening him up first with your latex gloved fingers. If he has never been taken like this before, start out with slender butt plugs and work your way to a dildo. Remind him to relax his muscles and set him at ease in the beginning by talking to him in whispers. Always use lots of lubrication.

The rectum lining stretches so you want to start out small and slender and over time, work your way to a thicker dildo. Whap magazine use to sell an excellent strap-on dildo. It was about seven inches long and rather slender. After a slender butt plug, you could try a seven or eight inch dildo that is on the slender side. Use that one on him for a few months before going to a thicker one.

How long? That is up to you. You will probably tire before he does because you will be doing all the work. Some men climax from dildo play as the dildo rubs the prostate gland. He will probably go limp so don't go by outward appearances. He will still experience some stimulation. Dildo play is usually uncomfortable and pleasurable at the same time to a man. But the effects on his mind is even better than the effects on his body. It is really a humiliating and submissive experience for a man to be taken by a woman like this.

You could take him from behind with him bent over a table or chair and his legs spread. Or you could take him with him laying on his back with his knees spread and tucked toward his head. It depends if you want to see his face when you are doing this.

Once you get skilled and become comfortable doing this to him, you will experience a tremendous power rush. You will feel powerful and you will want to increase the speed and the force of the thrusts of your hand or your hips (depending if you use your hand or a strap-on harness). Some strap-on harnesses support a two-headed or dual dildo so a woman can insert the one side into her and the other into her submissive. That way she can experience physical pleasure as well as the mental satisfaction. There are even vibrating harnesses that can stimulate your clitoris as you take your hubby.

Like with any new D&S activity. Take it slow and experience will come with practice. After each session, communicate with your husband to find out what he liked and what he disliked about it. Also, afford him a safe word during your playtime.

Q. Dear Mistress Elise, My Wife/Mistress and I are involved in a 24/7 Female Domination Marriage. One of the activities my Mistress enjoys most is taking me with a strap-on. The experience of being used by a powerful and dominant Woman does a number on my psyche. But I have always had mixed feelings with this activity.

The penis is predominantly accepted as the symbol of masculinity and manhood and so when I am being taken with one, the aura of male dominance is also in the back of my mind. My Mistress is very beautiful and Feminine, but when She does this to me I don't always feel overwhelmed by Her Feminine power. The thought that keeps creeping into my mind is "Why does She need the male organ to dominate another male?"

It is Her Female powers that force me to submit to Her completely. But knowing that She is simulating a male-like form is sometimes a reversal to what I would like to experience when being dominated. Sometimes to my horror I even imagine a man in place of my Mistress taking me from behind. I have no homosexual tendencies but the symbolic nature of a penis is so ingrained in my mind that I often can't let go of the thought of anything else behind it but another man.

Elise, how can I get past this? I am not allowed to question the authority of my Mistress and so I am afraid to tell Her about this. I want Her to continue to enjoy Her activities as She always has. But I would like to know why Women like to assume such a masculine form by wearing a strap-on? How do I remove this connection in my mind between the penis and masculinity?

A. One of the biggest advancements in the female domination lifestyle has been the invention of the strap-on dildo. This activity has done more to liberate women than the whip or paddle ever did. Why? Because of the social and psychological implications of strap-on play. Now the woman is the one wielding the former symbol of male superiority. Now the woman is the one who is the giver while the male becomes the receiver.

Strap-on play is sex of the psyches. Why do women love it so? That is a great and an important question. The rubber phallus strapped around the waist of a woman is an inanimate object. Thus, unless the woman purchases the type of harness that can stimulate her at the same time, she is feeling no physical pleasure during strap-on play. Yet, many women love doing it because of the mental stimulation and the mental pleasure that it provides for them. There is an incredible power exchange that takes place during this activity and the mental stimulation usually exceeds any rush that physical pleasure can provide. It makes for great sexual foreplay for the woman.

Women find this activity liberating for the social statement that it makes. Strap-on play strips the man of his masculinity and macho ways and usually causes the man to surrender his strength and his will over to his female aggressor. A woman can sense her man giving up resistance and she senses him melting into submission. This is an incredible power rush to the woman. Also, the effects of this activity usually last for some time. The man who submits to this activity has a hard time being macho around his dominant wife. He is usually meek and submissive to her outside of the bedroom after this activity.

Strap-on play is a power exchange and it has nothing to do with homosexuality or women wanting to be men. Quite the contrary, this activity is about the empowering of women as they unleash another level of their previously dormant power. A man being taken by another man is all about sex as it is primarily an activity for the sexual stimulation on the man who is the giver. Strap-on play between a woman and a man is about psychological sex as it is the mental stimulation that causes both parties to issue a power exchange.

The submissive man is feeling a combination of sexual stimulation, discomfort, and humiliation during strap-on play. He now knows that what he use to place so much worth on (namely his penis) is no longer a tool to conqueror women but now the tables have been turned and the female has stripped this symbol of masculinity from him and is now using it against him. The woman is telling the man that she is not impressed with the male penis and that she can buy one that is bigger to pleasure herself and she can even use it as a tool to enslave the male gender. Strap-on play is not so much about sex as it is about mental domination and a power exchange. What was once a symbol of man's conquest of the female is now being used by the female to prove to the male her superiority.

So my advice to you is to change how you view this activity. You need to reprogram your thought process. The fact is, you are not being dominated by a man. You are being dominated by your wife and you are submitting to this humiliating activity not for your pleasure but because of what it represents to her. By submitting to strap-on play, you are surrendering your will over to her and you are acknowledging her dominance and her supremacy in your marriage. So relax and submit to it. Allow this activity to transport you to subspace and you will find fulfillment on a higher plain than just the sexual realm.

Q. Dear Elise, Thank you for your wonderful website.  I have visited many FemDom sites and I think most of them are fakes run by men to fuel their own masturbation fantasies.  Yours, however, is obviously real and true. I have read most of the Q&A and real-life stories and I would like to ask your advice about my personal situation.  My question is about Strap-On Domination.

My husband is submissive to me by our mutual choice.  We started dating in college (we're in our 30's now) and he exhibited submissive tendencies almost from the beginning of our relationship.  I became sure about his desires when I surprised him at home one night and found him with several porno magazines stacked beside his bed.  Of course, I was pissed off that my man was laying around jerking off to pictures of bimbo's, so I did what any reasonable woman would do. I started to yell at him and really give him hell. Instead of fighting back, I realized that he was practically cowering on the bed.  By the time I quit yelling, he had promised to throw away the porn and never look at another woman again.  Yeah, right.  I told him that wouldn't cut it and that he better find a really good way to make it up to me.  I told him he could start by going to the store to get me ice creme.

While he was gone, I looked at his porn and realized that it was almost all pictures of Women controlling or beating men.  No bimbo's, just a lot of Women in leather.  I read a couple of the articles and realized they were all about Female Domination. Later that night, and over the next several months, I began to question him about his "perverted desires".  Whenever I would ask about it, he would become embarrassed and quite meek.  Eventually, I put it all together and realized that he had strong submissive sex fantasies, but that he was also submissive in a more general way to Women as well.  Elise, if there had been an Internet back then, I would have loved to have your Psychoanalysis.  But, I did my own reading of books that were available, looked at a lot of porn, and finally decided that I **liked** the idea of dominating men, and particularly my husband. So I Did.

Thus, almost 10 years ago, I bought my first leather skirt and black corset.  I took him away for a long weekend, and gave him the first adult spanking of his life.  I made him admit what he wanted and I gave it to him. By the end of the weekend, he had been spanked hard four times and I had more orgasms in 3 days than the previous year.

Since then, we have delved much deeper into the world of FemDom and we now live essentially as Mistress/slave.  I have done almost everything to/with him that is described on your site and have found what makes us both happy. He routinely serves my sexual and vanilla needs.  I whip him both for punishment and entertainment.  I require him to wear a chastity device for extensive periods of time.  And, recently, I have begun to intentionally humiliate him by exposing his submissiveness to select friends and strangers. However, there is one exception to our rituals, and it is really beginning to bother me.

He refuses Strap-On sex.  In fact, he refuses any contact with his anus at all. Whenever I begin to touch him there, he immediately uses his safe word to stop me. For a long time (years), I found it to be funny. I would tease him about tying him down and making him take a vibrator or even letting a gay man take him.  He would get very serious and tell me that was "too far".  I enjoyed knowing that I always had that button to push and figured that if I ever really wanted to penetrate him, I could convince him to submit.

Well, I have been wrong, and I don't find it funny any more.  Over the last two years, I **have** developed a real desire to penetrate him.  And not just with a little vibrator.  I want to mount him and fuck him hard with a cock strapped around my hips.  I have purchased three different harnesses and several dildos.  I have required him to wear them (while in his chastity belt) and make love to me.  But, the real reason I have them is because I am powerfully aroused by the idea of fucking him in the ass.

So, after all of that, here's the question.  How far can I go to make him give me what I want?  I think it is my right to use him this way and I think his agreement to be "completely at my service" is binding (we have a short written contract). 

What I want to do is tell him that his safe word will no longer be honored when it comes to this issue.  I think he is using the safe word to unfairly deny me something that is well within the bounds of normal FemDom marriages.  Thereafter, any time I have him in bondage (which is frequently), I intend to begin a program of slowly, but surely, opening his rear. I would follow the advice you gave about beginning with a small, slender dildo and slowly working up to the full size cock.  But, I know he will resist and try to reject this all the way.  I am pretty sure that he won't be able to stop himself from letting me put him in bondage, so as a strictly practical matter, I'll probably be able to do this. 

The real question is, do you think this is my right? Do you have any suggestions for how I might get what I need without going to this extreme? Thank you for your help, and thank you again for your marvelous site.

A. A submissive male should be willing to open himself for exploration at the hands of his trusted Mistress. Perhaps there is a reason why he is against trying strap-on play. Maybe he equates it to the negative experience of a prostate exam or some other medical procedure he has experienced. Your challenge is to make strap-on play erotic and enjoyable for him so he gives up his resistance.

You could tie him up and gag him so he can't use his safe word and then carefully and erotically explore his body. Make your way to his anus and very gently insert a lubricated finger into him. If you do this, only take him with your latex glove covered fingers. Do not use a dildo on him. Tie him, gag him and erotically take him with your fingers only (use lots of lubrication). Be sexy and sensual while you are "finger fucking" him so that he enjoys it. Your goal will be to get him to relax so he surrenders to you. If the finger fucking goes well, the next time you could use a slender butt plug. If he accepts that, then you could eventually work him up to a dildo.

Another option would be to get him to agree to the two of you doing my procedures. Procedure number two has strap-on play as does a number of the others. You could do the "Psychoanalysis of the submissive male" that is on my site. If it goes well, tell him that you want to order some of my other procedures but only if he agrees to allow you to do them exactly as they are written. Then you would take him with a strap-on (or your fingers) in procedure number two.

Consensual D&S activities and safe words are a must in the beginning of a Female Domination relationship. However, if you have been living this lifestyle for ten years and you know your husband's nature and submissive make-up, you do have the right to make demands on him to at least try a certain activity. It is easy to be submissive when the dominant female is doing things that you also enjoy. But it takes true submission and trust to submit to the dominant woman in an area you are uncertain about. Your husband needs to learn to trust you and you need to be mindful of his needs as you explore his submission. Trust and communication are keys to a successful female domination relationship.

Q. I like the FemDom ideology and think that woman should be dominant over men. I have a question as it relates to the future of sexuality between the genders. I would like to know your opinion. Do you think that women can achieve stronger orgasms when she is the penetrator or when she is being penetrated? I refer to strap-on play and the many devices that are now available that can stimulate a woman while she is penetrating a man.

Is penetrative sex (intercourse) becoming degrading and too submissive for a lady? Is modern woman declining intercourse and preferring oral sex or strap-on play? Do you think that women can live without conventional intercourse? Do the majority of women prefer a dildo or real penis? How do you see straight sex in the future?

A. Obviously I cannot speak for all women when it comes to sex. Sexual preferences and desires vary from person to person. Some women enjoy intercourse, whereas others can live without it. What is changing among the genders is that women are beginning to view sex as being for their pleasure and not as a wifely duty. Women are enjoying their liberation and the sexual freedom that comes with that liberation.

As this female sexual freedom came about, women began to speak the truth to men about their sexuality. Namely, that a woman rarely achieves orgasms through conventional intercourse. Intercourse is more about the pleasure of a man and not the pleasure of the woman. Sure, many women enjoy the feeling of a live penis inside of them but the sensation cannot compare to sensation of having their clitoris stimulated.

The truth about the female orgasm was a blow to the male ego at first. Men thought that women achieved the same pleasure that they did during intercourse. Wrong! Another misconception out there was that men had better orgasms than women. Wrong! The fact is that sex is actually more pleasurable for women because women are able to achieve multiple orgasms in many degrees of intensity. To a man, an orgasm is like a volcano. It builds up pressure and than explodes suddenly and then there is an emotional and sexual letdown. To a woman, orgasms are more like the waves of an ocean. It takes longer to build but when they come, they come in waves of pleasure, one after the other with no end in sight. Afterwards, a woman is euphoric and no letdown occurs.

All of this information was a blow to the male ego when it came to sex. Then once women began to explain to men how they have their best orgasms, that was another blow. The fact is, more women enjoy receiving oral sex than intercourse because they need their clitoris stimulated. All kinds of books have been written with different positions that couples can try so a man can touch the infamous g-spot on a woman during intercourse. But in reality, a lot of these positions are designed so the woman can have her clitoris stimulated while also having intercourse.

It seems like a lot of work to me just so the man can do it during intercourse. My advice, forget the intercourse and have the man penetrate a woman with a dildo while he is orally stimulating her clitoris at the same time. By doing this, women usually have orgasms to die for. As women begin to focus more on their sexual needs and less on traditional intercourse, they are discovering that they prefer oral servitude and they are able to enjoy multiple orgasms and waves of pleasure. So to most women, intercourse is not such a big deal.

I have written in detail on strap-on play and why women enjoy this from a psychological standpoint. Combine the mental stimulation a dominant woman gets from strap-on play with the physical stimulation these newer devices provide to the female clitoris, well than you can begin to understand why some women would rather be the giver than the receiver when it comes to penetration. Not to mention the lasting positive effect strap-on play has on the man when this activity is over. This psychological effect on the male is in deep contrast from the letdown a man experiences after intercourse.

So to summarize, I think it is safe to say that sexuality between the genders is changing and will continue to change in direct correlation to the continuing liberation of women. It is not so much about the sexual activity as it is about women viewing sex as being for their pleasure. Once women began to do that, it was inevitable that intercourse would be a rarer occurrence just based on the female anatomy.

Then when you cross over into D&S and the Female Domination lifestyle, you will find women who are willing to forgo intercourse all together for the power advantage it gives them over their husbands. Women in this lifestyle have discovered there are too many benefits in keeping their husbands denied and they like the benefits of what it does for their marriage outside the bedroom to risk altering that for brief encounters of intercourse. Then you have women who prefer a live penis but still maintain the denial process and opt to include cuckolding into their FemDom lifestyle. Again, we all are different with various needs and desires. Each couple's lifestyle and sexuality is practiced as they decide what is best for them.

Q. Hi. I recently encountered your web-page after searching for answers to what has happened in my relationship for the last year. I am 29 years old and I married my wife four years ago. We were a very normal couple, socially and sexually speaking, until recently.

My wife has always been very outgoing and we get along real well. I must admit that physically she does have an advantage over me as she frequently exercises, whereas I do not. The difference in strength is not too much, but she is a little stronger. I thought nothing much of this at first since our sex life was normal and was much to my satisfaction. However, out of the blue, around a year ago she started trying things, which made me uncomfortable. She tried to be more aggressive and tried wrestling me while we were being intimate. She began wanting to take more control. However, I was never too comfortable with it. Soon she had pretty much taken over regarding when we would be intimate and she would be the initiator, many times me not wanting to go through with it at all.

All the things I did to her previously, such as caressing her face with my hands or touching her around her hips, she now did to me. I found her caressing my face and she placed her hands on my hips while I ended up with my arms over her shoulders. It was as if she was trying to reverse our roles and she would accomplish this even as I resisted because she has the slight physical advantage. Much to my surprise, one day when we had been out drinking we came back home and she began messing around with my ass. Feeling very uncomfortable, I didn't know what to do but I was too drunk to react. She told me to relax and to submit to her. That night she penetrated me with a strap on which I didn't even know that she had.

From that night on she has not been willing to have traditional sex (me inserting my penis in her vagina) and instead she always ends up inserting the strap on inside me. This is extremely embarrassing to me. Whenever I try to talk about it with her, she just smiles and assures me it will just be for a while and that we should try different things. I am not comfortable with our current sex life as the last months have been limited to her dominating and penetrating me. After reading your page, I can see that she has dominant urges but I don't think I am a submissive male, as I feel extremely humiliated every time she penetrates me. What should I do since she will not talk about it? As time passes, I see myself falling more and more into the passive sexual role and I fear it will become natural. I'm a young, healthy and good looking guy and this is bringing on many insecurities that I did not have before. What can I do?

A. Let's be honest here. If your wife is only a little stronger than you, she could not force strap-on sex on you without you willfully submitting to it. She may have violated you the first time because you were intoxicated but each time afterward, you have yielded to her desire to dominate you. It sounds to me like she is trying to take control of you by reversing the roles in the bedroom. Obviously you are conflicted as a part of you enjoys it and that is why you submit to it, but another part of you is resisting because you are trying to hold on to some control.

Your wife has told you that she is doing this for a season, to try something different. Obviously she wants to experiment with her dominant nature. My advice to you would be to allow her and for you to experiment with your submissive nature. Lots of men would love to trade places with you. There are men that would love for their wives to take control of the bedroom like that. You need to relax and get with the program. Look at this as an exploration into a different lifestyle. You know that a part of you enjoys it. If not, you would not allow your wife to take you repeatedly with her strap-on.

I have on my site answered in detail why women enjoy strap-on play and why certain men desire it as well. I would advise that you read the Strap-on Q&A entries so that you have a better understanding of what your wife is getting out of this experience. Why not relax and put her needs ahead of yours and allow her to explore the FemDom lifestyle with you? If you will stop fighting it and instead yield to it, I think you will find that those insecurities and male ego ways of yours, will surrender to your submissive nature that is beginning to come to the forefront.

Communication is very important and your needs are also important. I would suggest that you go to your wife and agree to submit to her dominance as long as she commits to you that she will keep the lines of communication open with you and will welcome your feedback. If she will agree to take your feelings and needs into consideration, then you should be willing to submit to her female authority, both inside and outside of the bedroom. There cannot be two heads in a marriage and it sounds to me like your wife is a natural dominant. You knew that she was an outgoing and aggressive female when you married her, so you were obviously attracted to that side of her. Now it is just a matter of you laying aside your male pride and ego and allowing her to be the dominant partner in your marriage.

You are miserable about this current situation not because of what she is doing to you in the bedroom but because you are straddling the fence. You are yielding to her dominance partially and you are fighting her partially. You are double minded and a double minded man is unstable in all of his ways. Follow this simple rule, make her happy and you will also be happy. Fight her and oppose her and you will be conflicted and miserable. The choice is yours. It sounds like she knows exactly what she wants and where she is going in life. You are double minded. I would advise that you allow your wife to take the lead and that you submit to her. You will soon find that being a passive and submissive man is not so bad after all. In fact, you may find that there is no greater place for a man to be than in submission to a wonderful woman like your wife. Get in line with her authority and there is no telling how far the two of you can go as a couple. Unity will bring harmony.



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