Becoming A Successful Dominant Woman: Questions on Growing in the FemDom Lifestyle
Q. Elise, Is my husband's rapid growth as a submissive more a result of his needs and desire to submit to a woman, or is it more of a result of my dominant nature and my skills as a Dominant, or is it a combination of the two?"
A. That is a very good question. Actually, you already answered your own question when you said that it was a combination of both your dominance and your husband's submissive needs and desires. I like to equate D&S as a dance. Your husband seduces your Dominant nature with his submissive nature. You then begin to draw out more of his submissive nature with your Dominant nature. Which in turns, draws out even more of your Dominance, which in turns draws out more of his submission, and so on and so on. D&S works much like a magnetic force, with two opposites attracting. Your Dominance feeds off of your husband's submission, and his submission feeds off of your Dominance. The one needs the other to thrive and to grow.
If your husband wasn't submissive, you would still be a Dominant woman, however most of your dominant energy and nature would be dormant because there would not be a submissive nature there drawing it out of you. Your nature would still exist, but if you don't exercise it then it would never grow or flourish. Your husband's nature is what gives your nature the chance to be expressed and exercised. Most Dominant women are introduced to D&S by a submissive man. It is rare for a woman to seek out D&S on her own.
Why? Because it takes a submissive to seduce and to draw the previously dormant dominant nature and energy out of the woman. I am sure that you have been an out-going and aggressive female your entire life.
However, just because you were an out-going and dominant woman, you probably never developed into the Dominant woman that you are today until you met and began to play with your submissive. He has drawn your Dominance out of you. He was attracted and drawn to your dominant nature and your out-going personality because of his submission. Thus, he was then able to seduce your nature and to draw it out of you. Now you have been liberated. Your powerful dominant nature has been unleashed and you love it, because it is the real you. Now your dominance feeds off of his submission and you desire more and more submission from him. You will not settle for anything less. Also, since your Dominant nature has been unleashed, you will now begin to draw other submissive men. They will not be able to resist your Dominant nature. Even non-submissive men will sense the Dominant energy flowing from you and they will be a little afraid of you, because no man can resist a Dominant woman. If the man is submissive, he will be drawn to you. If he isn't, he will be afraid of you because he knows that he can not overcome a Dominant woman. Don't be amazed if non-submissive men strike out at you or even mistreat you. They will do so because they are afraid of you. Deep inside they know that if you would get bold with them, they could not resist the combination of your sexual energy and your dominant energy. Men were meant to submit to women. I believe that deep inside all men know this, but men have beaten women down for so long, that they have delusion themselves into thinking that they are the superior sex. Men have mistaken the fact that they are physically stronger to mean that they are superior. What they fail to realize is that women are intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually stronger.
Now the reason your husband is on a fast track to total submission, is a combination of your growth, and yes skill, as a Dominant woman and his past, background, and desires. Remember the dance and remember the magnetic forces. It takes two to tango when it comes to D&S. The more submissive he is, the faster he will achieve total submission. Likewise, the more Dominant that you are the faster that he will achieve total submission. He may be the most submissive man that ever lived, but if he wasn't in a relationship with a very Dominant woman, he would never achieve total submission. Of course, he couldn't be the most submissive man that ever lived, unless he was in a relationship with a very Dominant woman. A mans submission is developed by a Dominant woman.
Q. Elise, whenever I am dominating my husband, sometimes a very unusual look comes over his face. After I've humiliated him, or disciplined him, or used the dildo on him, he kind of lays there, he tilts his head to the side, he gets a grin on his face, and his eyes kind of get glazed over. Have you ever experienced a look like this on a submissive man and does this look have any significant meaning?
A. That look you are talking about is the look of tranquility, contentment, submission, and genuine love. That look is what the female domination lifestyle is all about. By dominating and disciplining your husband, you have struck a chord within him. The submissive male desires to be dominated and disciplined by a woman. Most men long for this inside and spend a good portion of their lives searching for this void to be filled within them. Once they experience the strong yet loving hand of a dominant female that they trust and love, it fulfills them and it brings to them tranquility and contentment.
I have seen that look before on my husband and other submissive men, and that look is why I do what I do and why I am so passionate about the female domination lifestyle. If all women could see that look on your husband's face or feel the intimacy between you and your husband, they would flock to this lifestyle.
Unfortunately, many women just see the leather outfits, the whips, and the techniques that we use to get our men into that magical state of deep submission, and they think that our lifestyle is "strange" or "bizarre". If they would only look past the tools that we use and the techniques that we utilize, and if they would instead focus on the results that they bring, then I believe that most women would openly embrace this lifestyle. Women are searching for the kind of intimacy and the kind of relationship that you and your husband share. If they would only understand that most men need to be dominated, disciplined, and controlled by a woman, in order to be at peace within themselves, then I am convinced the majority of women would assume their proper place, which is to be the dominant wife and the dominant woman.
Q. Elise, my husband and I really love the F/D lifestyle. However, we live in a small town where everyone knows each other. My biggest concern is that people will discover what we are into and think us to be weird, when in fact we are as normal of a couple that you will find. Do you have any suggestions?
A. Why do you want to be normal? Define normal for me. If it means that you are going to act and behave like a male dominant society says that you must, then don't be normal. "Observe the masses, then do the opposite." All great men and women who have changed society were never considered normal.
As far as living in a small town goes, there is no doubt that you must be a little more discreet than if you lived in a large metropolitan area. Especially if everyone knows one another. However, be aware that there are some potentially embarrassing situations that could arise, especially for the submissive male.
If his Doctor knows the two of you pretty well, think about what must be going through his mind when he gives your husband a prostate exam and discovers how wide open you have made him in his rear area from dildo use. Or better yet, if you keep your husband shaved around his genitals, like most Dominants do, and his Doctor examines him. I am sure that most Doctors everywhere have seen everything and I am sure that they probably get a chuckle or two out of examining a submissive man who's wife has put him through the ringer.
Then there was the case I heard about where a F/D couple's house caught on fire and when the firemen broke in to put it out, they discovered their little secret room in the basement with all of their B&D equipment and tools along with her fetish wardrobe. In a large city, this would be no problem. However, if you and your husband are friends with the firemen, this might cause some embarrassment.
Having said all of this, do not let this discourage you from your lifestyle. The risks of it make it even more exciting. Think of your husband going to see his Doctor as another exercise in humiliation. He is going to be exposing to another person his little deep, dark secret that his wife rules him. That is why I would recommend that his Doctor be a woman. It would make it that much more humiliating for him. You could make sure that he is shaven and his hinny is nice and opened up for her before he visits her. You could even make sure that there is a nice welt mark from one of your whips across his behind as well.
The bottom line is, don't be fearful. Have fun with your lifestyle. Use all risks as opportunities for excitement and deeper play, and for heaven's sake, don't worry about being perceived as normal. Again, why would you want to be normal?
Q. Elise, I have been dominating my man since I visited your web site, and things have been great. He's been very receptive and submissive. However, I have a concern about whether the humiliation and "feminizing" has taken away from is manhood. I mean, I like that he submits to my whims, and that he's a much more sensitive and devoted person since we started our new lifestyle, but I struggle with my desire to dominate him and my desire to have a "manly" man. Lots of women that I know like their men to be more masculine, and the truth is, so do I. I don't know how to reconcile my desire to be in charge and dominant, and the desire to have a man around to protect me. Are there others that feel this way?
A. As the dominant woman, you can train your man to be exactly what you desire. If you want him to be masculine at times, then train him that way. I also like my husband to be a man around others. He acts masculine most of the time and few would ever suspect that he is such a submissive male. It adds to the excitement for me to know that all I have to do is bark out an order and he will fall to his knees and do whatever I command (behind closed doors, of course). The fun part of feminizing a man is to do it to a masculine male. I love to watch my big, strong husband become transformed into a submissive, sissy right before my eyes. I love the contrast. I love to dress him up in women's lingerie, apply make-up to him, strap on my harness and dildo, and make him the receiver instead of the giver. He melts into submission right before my eyes and I can do whatever I want and he can't resist. I love having that kind of power over a strong man. You just need to train your man to act masculine in his everyday life, but to always act meek and humble around women and to be very submissive around you.
Don't always make him wear women's underwear unless this is what you desire. Allow him to dress masculine in his everyday life and allow him to do masculine things if he so desires. Sports, fishing, or whatever his hobbies are. Make him go to a gym and work out. Allow him to do masculine things. Yet, around you at home he should be ready to don the apron, the lingerie, and be ready to serve your every whim. You control him and if you ever decide to totally feminize him, you will. It is totally up to you. You don't have to be Elise or any other dominant woman. Just be yourself and train your husband to be the kind of man that you desire. I always say the best thing about a submissive man is that it is the best of both worlds for a woman. He can be masculine at times and he can be a mouse and a sissy at times.
There are women out there that want their man to be feminine all of the time. They don't want to see any macho or manly ways coming from him, so they train him accordingly. There are also many women who feel as you do. They want their man to portray a manly image at times and a sissy and feminine image at times. Neither is right or wrong. It totally depends on what you need and what you desire. Now, there are men that will never be able to act real manly no matter how much you desire this, but that is another topic. I am sure that your husband doesn't fall into this category or you would not have this desire to see him act manly at times. So train your man to be the kind of man that you desire. After all, you are the one who has to live with him.
Q. Elise, I am enjoying this lifestyle as it has really transformed our marriage for the better. I love getting my way with my husband all the time. My only concern is that I will turn my husband into a wimp. On the one hand, I love his eagerness to serve me and obey me. But on the other hand I fear that I am making him a spineless, jellyfish of a man. I don't want to be married to a wimp. Can I dominate him in a way that doesn't turn him into a wimp?
A. I get this question far too often from women and it goes to show how women are programmed by our male dominant society. I understand why women feel this way but this question frustrates me nonetheless. It is time for women to renew their minds and it is time for women to embrace their dominance. This "I am afraid that I will create a wimp" mentality has got to go. I got news for my gender, "men are naturally wimps". Chances are, your man wants to be your wimp. So quit trying to inflate his male ego (which is dangerous and counter productive) and accept his submission. If that makes him a wimp in your eyes, then my advice to you is to accept it and enjoy it.
I have stated many times on my site how a woman can train her man to be the kind of man that she desires. If you don't want to feminize your man, then don't. If you want him to maintain an outward masculine appearance to others, then train him accordingly. You are the potter and your man is the clay. However, if you want him to submit to you behind closed doors, then you need to explore his submissive nature and you need to dominate him. A D&S relationship is not a 50/50 relationship. If that is what you want, then this lifestyle is not for you. A 50/50 relationship is a mirage. It sounds great but it does not exist in reality. There has to be a dominant partner. It either will be him or it will be you. If you are discovering how much you love dominating him and how it has improved your sex life and how it has improved the dynamics of your marriage, then for heaven's sake, enjoy it. If it makes him a wimp in your eyes, then so what? What is wrong with a wimp if his submission makes him happy and more importantly, if it makes you happy?
I agree that no woman wants a doormat. Every woman wants a man that she can connect with on an intellectual level and every woman wants a man that she can share life with as her friend. I have written about this in great detail on my site. But a man can fulfill this social need and still be in total submission to you. Women for centuries have fulfilled the social need within men and yet, were expected to be in submission to them at the same time. So why is it that some women have such a problem with accepting this long overdue and much needed role reversal?
What is a wimp? Being a wimp means being weak but his weakness is confined in his relationship with you. It doesn't mean that your man will be weak in his interactions with others or in his ability to handle life's challenges. You are causing him to surrender his will and his strength over to you by your feminine power. It is a power exchange. He is humbling himself and consenting to the fact that you are the dominant gender and that you are in charge. Your feminine power and sexual energy causes him to become weak in your presence. Thus, he becomes a wimp in your presence. It has nothing to do with how big he is or how successful he is or how confident he is around others. It all has to do with how he relates to you. Trust me, given the alternative, deep inside most women want their husbands to be wimps around them. They may not like the word or what it implies but I have met very few women that do not love having an obedient husband. So don't get hung up on terminology and enjoy the fruits of your dominance.
Q. Dear Ms Sutton, thank you for a very stimulating, empowering and avant-garde site. You have mentioned that you take questions, and I would be obliged if you could perhaps advise on the following:- My boyfriend has agreed in full to the concepts of your site and while truly desiring to serve and please is also full of contradictions. He has a very confidant, domineering and potent personality in "outside" life and I often find him trying to "dominate" me from his submissive stance. Subtly and surreptitiously trying "control" what happens to him and how he thinks I should behave. Although I have discussed this at length with him, is there any sure-fire way to get him out of this mode of thinking to come full-circle and accept complete submission? If you have had any experience that you can relate with other males that have these tendencies, I would be grateful to hear them.
A. If he approached you about this lifestyle, then you need to remind him of that. Tell him that you want to go all the way with this lifestyle and that means that he must accept your total authority. He may be aggressive outside the home but around the house he must surrender his will over to you. This should provide him with a wonderful stress reliever as he surrenders to you.
If he rebels, then discipline him. When he starts to top you from below, do something that makes him submissive. One woman who posted her story on my site, ties her husband up when they are arguing and then she leaves him tied until he begs for forgiveness and confesses her superiority.
I will snap my fingers and order my husband to his knees. If he will not respond due to being angry, I will go and change into leather as he has a real leather fetish. When he sees me, he begins to melt. Then in my most dominant and bitchy voice, I order him to his knees and order him to kiss my feet. I will then lead him to the bedroom, tie him to my bed, and punish him for being disobedient to me.
I view my husband's rebellion as a chance for me to exert my will and power over him. I use it as an opportunity to show him how superior I am. It comes down to my commitment to this lifestyle and my determination. I have learned what my husband cannot resist and I use it against him. I use all my sexuality and female power to get him to submit to me when he begins to disobey or act dominant.
Some women treat their husbands like little boys and spank them or give them a dose of castor oil and send them to bed early. But the most effective way to keep your man in line is to deny him orgasms most of the time. Put him in a chastity device and keep him aroused and frustrated and he will be like a little puppy dog, eager to serve and obey you.
If he tries to top you during a scene, he may be pushing your buttons because he wants you to punish him harder. Give him what he wants and then some. If he wants more severe discipline, then give it to him. Most men are wimps and cannot take as much as they think they want. Break out the strap and the cane and he will soon learn to respect your authority.
Deep inside he wants you to win. He is just conflicted by his emotions and he is hoping that you will cause his submissive desires to win out over his aggressive personality. It will come in time if you stay committed. Don't back down to him and learn what stirs his submission and use it against him. Act dominant and you will be dominant.
Q. My husband has always wanted to be dominated and humiliated in a sexual setting. Over our 22 years of marriage, I have come to terms and "indulged" his sexual fantasies. Initially because I discovered after our first year of marriage that if I did not, the urge was so strong he was sneaking off to see professional mistresses. We have experienced our share of difficulties and have sought help from three different professional therapists over 7 years. Through this we have managed to stay together and raise two wonderful children.
This has always remained in the bedroom, although he would claim to desire to be a submissive all of the time. Then my husband read your web site and now he wants this as a lifestyle. While he claims to want this as a lifestyle, I found that in real life he is unable to sustain a submissive posture and it is only a matter of time before he begins to actively resist and rebel against me being dominant. It is often about things I feel are really important that he be submissive. This leads me to getting pissed off and refusing to be dominant sexually because I feel betrayed. Additionally, when I am really ANGRY he is afraid to submit to me sexually for fear I will give him the punishment he deserved.
Over the last five years I have agreed to expand my knowledge of this lifestyle, including as anniversary gifts going with him to a professional Dom (of my choice) and learning some techniques. To my surprise, I have learned a lot from these women. We have also joined a dungeon where we can relax and play away from home and the children. The kids were always a major concern for me.
My question is this, while my husband is getting better about sustaining the submissive role, he still has difficulty with his temper. When your submissive breaks with his role, what have you found to be the best way to bring him back? Naturally, when he is this naughty, he is afraid of returning to the submissive role for fear of retribution. I feel he needs to pay for his insubordination before he gets the benefit of a submissive sexual release. Is there a safe way to resolve this situation when you are both truly angry at one another? Also, do you have any creative suggestions for dealing with a "rebel" slave in a public situation?
A. There are two important things here. If you are both angry at each other at the same time, you need to reconcile your fight before you engage in D&S. Unless, you are able to get over your anger first so you can focus on dominating him in a way that will allow his submission to overpower his anger. Either way, reconciliation must precede retribution.
A temper is an outward expression of an underlying insecurity. A man with a temper has issues within him that when touched, will cause him to act childish. D&S is a wonderful lifestyle for a man with a temper because he needs the firm discipline of a loving woman to give him an alternative outlet to release that pent up anger. The whip used correctly can drive anger out of a man if he will surrender to your female power during the discipline session.
Keep in mind that childish behavior often needs to be dealt with in a parental manner. A child needs lots of nurturing and reassurance as well as discipline. When your husband becomes angry with you and expresses his childish behavior, the worst thing you can do is to express anger back at him. You need to stay calm and under control, knowing that you will have your chance for retribution. If you become angry, then it is best that you remove yourself from his presence until you cool off. Two angry people should not be in the same room. That is always a condition for trouble. Walk away and collect yourself before returning to deal with your grown child. Hopefully, you never discipline your own children when you are angry. This is no different. Never discipline your husband when you are angry.
Walk away from him, collect yourself and return with a strategy. That strategy depends on your husband's submissive nature. You know him better than anyone. What is it that stirs his submission? Does he have a leather fetish? Does he have a foot fetish? What is it that turns him submissive? You need to get his submission to overpower his anger so you can reconcile with him first. Then you can punish him for his temper tantrum.
I know my husband has a strong leather fetish. After I cool down, I might dress in a sexy, leather outfit, return to him and order him to his knees. I can see the struggle within him as his hurt and anger wants to continue the fight but his submission wants to bow before me. I love watching that internal struggle within him. I will order him again in my most bitchy voice to bow before me and to kiss my boots or feet. Notice, I do not mention what we were fighting about. I approach it as a regular D&S session. Usually, my husband will submit and once he is kissing my boots or feet, his anger begins to leave his body and passion and submission will overtake him.
If that does not work, I go to another weapon that I know he cannot resist. I will walk over to him, hug him and kiss him. I will not say a word but I will lead him by the hand to our bed. I will lay him face up on the bed and I will proceed to sit my bare ass on his face and I will order him to worship it. This will cause most men to melt into submission. The face sitting also prevents him from speaking, so that will defuse the argument at least momentarily until his submission overtakes his anger.
Regardless which approach I use, my goal is to get him into a submissive state. Then I bring reconciliation by telling him that I love him. Then I might make him confess his place in our marriage. I will make him tell me how I rule over him and how I have authority over him. Once I see that he is in a submissive state, only then will I re-visit the argument by making him apologize to me. Again, I do not seek this apology outside of our D&S session or else it might re-kindle the argument.
After he apologizes, I will tie him face down on the bed and now it is time to punish him for his behavior. He is already in a submissive mood so I will give him a severe whipping or spanking and that is when I let him know how upset he made me and he will feel my wrath. My husband says that he can feel the hurt and anger leaving his body as I discipline him. Afterwards, I will hug him and love on him as we confess our love for each other. It works like a charm.
My advice to you is to do the same. You seem to have it backwards as you said that you feel he needs to pay for his insubordination before he gets the benefit of a submissive sexual release. I would not give him any kind of sexual release but you need to get him into a submissive state and reconcile the argument before you punish him for his transgression.
As far as dealing with a rebellious husband in a public setting goes, that is difficult. It would be best to ignore it until you get him home. I do have certain words that I use in a public setting to dominate my husband so that only we know what they mean. We have a little code I developed so we can play D&S games out in public and also so I can put him in his place without making a scene. I will give you a brief example of our code.
A simple phrase like "Honey, remind me to water the flowers when we get home" might mean to us "Honey, I do not like your behavior so I am going to whip you when we get home". Or "Honey, I have a sweet tooth. Maybe we can stop for donuts on our way home" might mean to us "Honey, I have a hunger to dominate you. Lets cut this short so we can get home".
Feel free to develop some short phrases that no one outside of you and your husband would know what they mean and if he acts up or if you are feeling naughty in a public setting, use your code and watch his excitement and submission grow (as well as a bulge in his pants).
Q. My husband and I have been practicing realistic FemDom to a certain extent since December of last year. I come from a loving, well-adjusted family that worked as a team. My mother stayed home and did the domestic thing, while my father was the breadwinner. Both of my parents doled out the discipline, with my father being more strict. They never fought in front of us, we went to Lutheran schools and church constantly. I rebelled during my teen and early adult years, but have since settled down with my husband.
I guess since I saw my parents work together as a team, I do not really understand the true "discipline" lifestyle. My husband and I have had many arguments, as he is really into kinky sex, bondage, forced servitude. He tends to come on so strongly with these topics that he drives me insane and hence I come to detest topics of discussion - such as female domination. I feel that he tends to act like a spoiled little boy to get attention.
Elise, we have two small children under three years of age. I cannot always discipline him immediately, and we have a "24-hour" rule. I am in control of the finances. He still craves more. He endlessly goes on about orgasm control. To be honest, our relationship has been so bad in the past years that I have little to no interest in having sex with him. There are times when I actually loathe him.
He has told me that domestic discipline and orgasm control are essential to realistic Femdom... is this true? What combinations will change any or all of his bad behaviors and attitudes?
Also, the chastity thing... I do not see the point, because I think I would lock him up in it forever and not think twice. We went from having sex five times a year (and not very fulfilling, I might add)... to him wanting it all the time. I guess I feel that I cannot match his enthusiasm for it since I am rarely pleased. I feel pressured to orgasm, with him asking... "are you ready to cum?" I have tried gagging him during sex, coaching him through oral... but I guess it comes down to me just not being turned on. Can you give me advice on this?
Basically, since we have the small children - I feel that some of the realistic Femdom is just not suitable for us. However, he lashes out at me and the kids in frustration. How do I please myself and him, plus keep the family going?
Any suggestions would be appreciated. I realize I'm asking for a lot... but I am just overloaded and overwhelmed. I feel I have no support in this... no one to talk to.
A. The advantage of being the Dominant wife is that you are in charge. You need to sit your husband down and tell him in no uncertain terms that you call the shots and that he has no say. I would suggest dressing up in an outfit that you know stirs his submission and administering a spanking to him before you explain the rules to him. You need to tell him that if he wants you to dominate him, then he needs to act submissive. Put the ball squarely in his court.
Tell him that you do not appreciate him putting pressure on you. Make it clear to him that if he wants to be dominated, then he must submit to you all of the time and he must accept your rules. He must be humble and meek around you. If he wants D&S, then he must obey you both in and out of the bedroom. Don't let him top you from below. Be firm with him. You are the Dominant wife and you set the rules.
You have children to attend to so you only have so much time for D&S. Set aside some time each week to play with your husband and during that time, discipline him in the way he desires but as you discipline him, tell him that he must help you with the chores and with the child rearing. If he doesn't, than no more D&S inside the bedroom until he gets with the program. Use his kinky desires as a weapon against him. His submissive desires are his weakness. Use it to get him to obey you. You have the power and you hold all the cards. Be firm with him and expect his obedience.
Having said that, let me also advise that you relax and have fun with this lifestyle. It is not meant to be a burden on the woman. Quite the opposite, this lifestyle is meant to be a blessing to the woman. Enjoy your dominance and use it to train your husband. It is simple, if he wants D&S sex, then he must do chores for you and he must show you respect at all times. If he disobeys you or talks to you in a disrespectful way, then you will punish him by denying him his D&S playtime for that week. Make all of this clear to him and follow through.
My procedures may provide you the guide that you need to get started. You could perform one procedure each week on him. My procedures will take away the responsibility from you of having to come up with what to do during that week's playtime. My exercises will lay out each week's session. Plus, the psychoanalysis questions should help to provide you with much needed information about why your husband desires these things. These procedures build intimacy and it sounds like that is what is missing the most in your marriage.
Relax and make him orally service you sexually. Learn to enjoy sex. Experiment with things until you find what brings YOU pleasure. Female Domination is about your husband serving you. It is about you getting YOUR needs met. This lifestyle is about the woman, not the man. The man will be fulfilled and satisfied only if the woman is fulfilled and satisfied. Your husband is being selfish and he has it backwards. He is toping you from below. Seize the reins of the marriage, be firm with him but also have fun.
It sounds like you need this lifestyle to save your marriage. Put the ball in his court. No obey than no play. The good news for him is that more you play, the more he will be eager to obey. Stir a man's submissive nature and keep him aroused and frustrated. Maybe he realizes this about himself and that is why he is telling you that he wants to be denied. Trust me, men are easier to control when they are denied. So, give him what he wants in that regard. Start to view sex as being for your pleasure. Keep him aroused and excited but then channel his sexual energy into serving you outside of the bedroom. You need his servitude more outside of the bedroom at this point in your life. D&S provides you the tools to make that happen.
Q. Submissive males seem to be attracted to women who are bitchy, cruel and even a little abusive. When should a woman be the Bitch and when should she use loving discipline? Could you explain the difference between loving discipline and being a Bitch?
A. The best way to answer your first question is to look at a FemDom relationship in two ways, the overall picture of the relationship and the segmented snapshots of the relationship that makes up the overall picture. The male need for loving female authority is the overall motivation and the big picture if you will. How this deep-rooted need within males is expressed and fulfilled requires the totality of the female character and nature.
On the surface, the submissive male is attracted to the outward expressions of the dominant female. The woman who acts like the Bitch, who is bossy, aggressive, opinionated and no-nonsense sends out the signal that she is indeed dominant and this outward expression attracts and excites the submissive male, especially in the sexual realm. Likewise, to some submissive males, the image or portrayal of a woman who is cruel and abusive to men attracts them because it represents dominance and authority. It excites theses males sexually because this exterior display of dominance signals that the interior of the female is one of dominance and power. That does not mean that men do not also crave and need love and nurturing. Love and nurturing is the flip side of the female authority coin. Men need love and nurturing for emotional health and social stability but these traits rarely touch the sexual and it is the sexual that is usually at the forefront of the male psyche.
It is no different than the basic sexual attraction that men have toward women. A woman wearing a sexy outfit or showing some skin will attract and excite most males. Men will fall all over themselves to be with the sexual woman. At that moment of sexual arousal, men could care less about whether the woman is sweet or loving or nurturing. All they know is that they are under her power and are drawn to her because of her sexual power.
With the submissive male, a woman portraying a dominant personality has the same effect as the woman who portrays sexuality. The submissive male is attracted to both of these characteristics. If you were to have a room full of men, each at a different level in the development of their submissive nature, and a dominant woman were to enter the room and interact with the men, how she would be perceived would vary based on the strength of each male's submissive desires.
If a woman would walk into this room wearing conservative business attire, the men would all notice her because she is a female but how they responded to her would be based on her outward portrayal and their inward nature. If she were to request something from these men (lets say something they did not want to do) in a meek and soft manner, some men would ignore her and some would respond favorably but reluctantly. But if this same woman were to enter this room radiating sexuality through her sexual attire that highlighted her female features, all the men would take notice and fall all over themselves to assist her. The sex drive would overpower the logical and reasoning side of the male mind and the men would respond to this woman by being controlled by their penis as her sexual energy would be too much for these men to resist.
Now take this experiment a step further. If this same woman would walk into this room of males dressed in her non-sexual and conservative business attire but instead of making a difficult request in a soft and meek manner, she would instead bark out an order in a bitchy and aggressive tone, the submissive males in the room would become aroused and would respond to her sexually. The men who had weak submissive desires would be offended by her and refer to her as a Bitch in the negative. But the men who had strong submissive desires would be sexually aroused by her brazenness and they would view her as a Bitch in the positive.
Outwardly the submissive male wants to be dominated by the Bitch. Inwardly he wants both, the Bitch and the Nurturer. It's just that his sex drive and his submissive desires overpower him and he seeks the Bitch first. However, a woman is multi-dimensional with many sides to her nature. She can be the Bitch but she also can be the Angel. Men need both but to some men the sex drive and the desire to submit tends to want more of the Bitch.
Just as the marriage must be about more than sex, the FemDom relationship must be about more than just the Bitch. A healthy relationship must be built on friendship and compatibility. The submissive male must get to know and appreciate all the many moods and sides of the female. The male who only wants the Bitch is out of balance and does not truly understand the female. The submissive male needs to worship the female in all her glory. He needs to enjoy all of the characteristics of the female for only then will he be fit to be a valuable servant to the female. The submissive male must know the female to serve the female.
The submissive male needs the Bitch to discipline him and keep him in line but he also needs the Angel to love him and nurture him. It is the totality of the Female and her nature that fulfills the submissive male. Loving Female Authority is about both the Bitch and the Angel. The wise woman will use her sexuality and her outward dominance (aka The Bitch) to capture the submissive male via his sex drive and his submissive nature but for a lasting and meaningful relationship there must be that intellectual and social connection as well.
If I understand your second question, you are asking when should a woman be soft and when should she be harsh? That is your call as each relationship is different. It depends on which mood you wish to express toward your submissive male and which mood he best responds to. It comes down to knowing yourself and knowing your submissive. Do you enjoy expressing your dominance through being the Bitch? Does he respond better to hard domination or soft domination? The female will most likely express both as that is her nature and this is good because the male needs both. If the proper motivation is there, it all is loving female authority and loving discipline. Being the Bitch might be the female expressing a more intense and aggressive side of her dominant nature but the submissive male needs that and is attracted to that. Thus, being the Bitch (no matter how severe) can indeed be an act of love as the woman is giving the man what he needs for submissive fulfillment.
Q. I am only 21, and I enjoy dominating men. I had my first dominating experience about 6 months ago. I will share that experience with you later. I am young, but my maturity level exceeds my age, so I attract older men. The men that turn me on, are men that I can tell what I want done, and they do it. If they deny me, then I disregard them. I have been this way for a while, but just recently I became aware that the way I am is not just some passing fancy, but the dominating side of me revealing itself, albeit in a very subtle way.
I cannot help but wonder if I am too young to be dominating men? I wonder if I am too young to have men at my beck and call, to be a Queen in charge? Does a woman have to be a certain age to be a successful Domme? Can a woman be too young for this lifestyle?
A. Age is only a factor as it relates to maturity and knowledge. Some women come into their dominance as a teenager whereas other women do not come into their dominance until middle age. It has been my experience that the more a woman matures the more open she is to embracing her dominance. Women in their late thirties, forties and fifties seem to be the best candidates for this lifestyle. Women sixty or older for the most part are set in their ways and women in their teens, and twenties have not learned enough about themselves or the true nature of men. This is changing as society is changing and evolving. More and more women are coming into their dominance at a younger age and an ever increasing number of teenage girls are seeing themselves as superior to males.
Success comes with experience and practice, no matter what the endeavor. Dominance is an attitude and the fact that you have asked this question tells me that you desire to be a dominant woman. You know you are a dominant woman but societal programming makes you judge your desires. You are unsure if a woman should dominate a man and that is where the maturity process comes into play. A lot of girls your age believe they are superior and want to be dominant but they suffer from a low self-image and they have a need to be accepted by men. This need for male acceptance causes young ladies to act how they think men want them to act. A lot of intelligent women act naïve and flighty because they think that will make them more attractive to men. The truth is the opposite but these young ladies have bought into a lie.
It takes time and experience for these women to learn the truth. After some bad relationships or hurtful experiences, they will wise up and view themselves and men differently. That is why the woman who is in her thirties or older is open and even hungry for the female domination lifestyle. They have learned that the female/male relationship works best when the female is in charge and they have learned that men need to be under the control of women.
That need not be your journey. You want this lifestyle now. The best advice I can give you is for you to know who you are as a woman, expect and demand respect from all men, and develop the attitude that men need you more than you need them. Be confident about who you are and expect to be treated like a Queen. If you do this, you will attract the kind of men who are worthy of your attention.
Q. Dear Elise, my husband is similar to the men you describe in your pages. He would like me to take more control and I have played some FemDom games with him but when I do, I get stuck on what to do. Then he losses it and I know it leaves him more frustrated than before. Do you think you could help?
A. There is noting wrong with couples engaging in role-playing games in the bedroom. In fact, that can add excitement and spice to their sex lives. The reason your husband is frustrated is because he longs to be dominated by a woman in reality and not just during bedroom games. A submissive man will respond more to the attitude of the female than he will to her outfit or role in the bedroom. If a woman is serious about this lifestyle, the man will sense it and that will stir his submissive nature. If a woman is only going through the motions to please her husband, while it might make sex more fun, it will not have a long term effect on a man's need for loving female authority.
Your husband needs to develop some patience with you and allow you the room to grow into the dominant role. By showing you his frustration, he will de-motivate you and demoralize you. Instead, he needs to encourage you by submitting to you inside and outside of the bedroom. If a man wants to sell his female partner on this lifestyle, he needs to show her the benefits of this lifestyle. He needs to be serving your needs and seducing your dominant nature. Then as it begins to blossom, he needs to water it with care by showing you humility and a sincere submissive attitude.
If you haven't yet performed my "Psychoanalysis of the submissive male" on him, I would highly recommend that as a place to start. The two of you need to bond with this lifestyle. If you lack creativity or need a guideline to help you in discovering your dominant nature in the bedroom, I would recommend that you obtain my other procedures. They will give you some ideas. There are twenty-two of them and if you did one per week, you should begin to feel quite comfortable in the dominant role by the end of the twenty-two weeks. Good luck.
Q. Ms Sutton, my partner Nancy and I are embarking upon a Female Dominated relationship she will be my Goddess and I her slave. We have taken your final procedure, the Marriage Contract, and used it as the template for a written agreement that we have both pledged to honor.
We are starting slowly. Nancy has made it clear that this will progress at her pace but she is a little anxious about how she can 'de-program' herself from many years of the conditioning of the "traditional wife" and become a truly dominant, confident woman. Any helpful suggestions would be greatly appreciated by both of us.
A. Nancy's programming was not a one-time event but rather a lifetime of being inundated with a certain thought process. Similarly, her so-called deprogramming will not occur just because she signs a FemDom marriage contract. It will take her years of practicing this lifestyle in order for her to become totally comfortable within herself. But the good news, it will happen. She may take two steps forward and one step back but the journey will become easier with each step she takes.
The key is for you to be supportive and allow her the room to grow. She will express some doubts and maybe some frustrations but don't add to those doubts and frustrations by pushing her too fast or too hard. Be thankful for what you have and encourage her to blossom into a dominant woman. Encourage her to be in charge and compliment her often. You will have your own struggles submitting to her when she makes a decision that you do not agree with. But you need to bite your tongue and submit to her decisions. If she makes a mistake, be quick to forgive and be there to serve. Patience on your part is a must.
We become in life the books we read and the people we associate with. Nancy should read books that edify the female and books that talk about this lifestyle. Books like "The Mistress Manual", "Some Women", "The Sexually Dominant Woman", "Erotic Power", my book "Female Domination" and similar manuscripts, articles and periodicals.
If there is any way the two of you can join a FemDom support group, I highly recommend it. If there is no group near where you live, perhaps she can join up with another like-minded woman where you live or even communicate with a like-minded woman by phone or e-mail. All of these things will help her to feel more at ease in the role of a dominant woman.
Some women can easily become the dominant partner but with other women it takes time, depending on their upbringing, religion, societal outlook and even their self-image. The best thing you can do for Nancy is to seduce her dominance with your genuine and love-felt submission. If you are there to encourage her and not to nag her, she will blossom into the beautiful dominant woman she was created to be.
Q. Hi Elise... I'll try to make this as brief as I can, because I'm sure you get tons of email. I'm a frequent surfer of your website and let me just say, that it's entirely refreshing to see material that deals with "real life" D/s and not just the everyday fantasy crap that can be found all over the net.
Elise, I'm a hardwired submissive male, and by hardwired, I mean it's something that is in me and isn't just turned on and off when the feeling is convenient. I feel that these sexual feelings in me are just as deep rooted as say someone with homosexual realizations. They are REAL, and my endless quest to find more information about myself is motivated by these ever-present feelings. However, finding information that applies to me, in the real sense, is extremely difficult because of all the flaky fantasy stuff that goes along with this lifestyle.
I've had opportunities to explore my sexuality, with what I thought were "like minded" women in this lifestyle. What I've found however, more often than not, is that most of the women, posing as Dommes in the D/s community, are not really there looking for submissive men for the sake of compatibility, but more for opportunity. It's very disheartening because since there are so many women out there like that, it almost supports a theory that I've thought of often, which is "Dominant women in the lifestyle are there for opportunity, and really aren't hardwired dominants at all." In fact, I've often thought that true dominant women, those who would actually achieve sexual gratification from a relationship with a submissive male, do not exist even at all. Although the numbers seem to support this theory, there is the odd one that slips through the fabric and seems to be a hardwired Domme on a sexual level. I know of only a few that are like this in real life, and from your writings, I'd say you seem to be as well.
Now I know what feelings in me make up my sexual submissive self, and the history I've had with this, but I'd love to hear how this all came to be with you. What is it exactly about submissive men you find attractive and could you live happily without one? I wonder if these feelings of dominance have always been there with you and how deep rooted are they?
Anyway, hearing your thoughts on the questions I've asked I think will help me, and perhaps others like me, who feel they are alone with this. Even though the numbers aren't on our side, I think hearing that at the very least, women who think in a complimentary fashion to us actually do exist will help tremendously. Hope all is well with you.
A. Isn't a woman who preys on the sexual desires of a man strictly for financial gain or purely for opportunity, isn't she being dominant toward that male? I think she is. If your sexual make-up places you into a position where you will pay to be dominated and a woman seizes on your sexuality for personal gain, she is dominating you by demonstrating her superiority. She is the one with the power and she uses that power for her benefit. While that may be selfish on her part and while some women prey on the weaknesses of men in an unethical manner, the facts remain that the man is being dominated by the superior female. Therefore, he is getting what he desires, which is to be dominated by a woman.
Having said that, I know what you are really asking. You are seeking a lifestyle dominant woman who is as obsessed in her need to dominate as much as the man is in his need to be dominated. There are lots and lots of women who love to dominate men but in their own unique way. The reason you have not found what you are looking for is because you do not understand that men and women are indeed wired differently. I know scores of women who love to dominate men but women view dominance in a different light than men do. Women are more realistic and are more in-touch with their needs. That is why I stress to men the importance of seducing the female dominant nature by concentrating on the servitude aspects of female dominance and not the D&S activities.
Most women evolve in their dominance and the hardcore stuff comes much later. In the beginning, most women are attracted to the practical aspects of female domination. They enjoy being pampered, romanced and served both domestically and sexually. Women are wired toward the practical and the romantic whereas men are wired toward the sexual and the more hardcore activities. Yet, as a woman's dominant nature begins to blossom, many times she will begin to desire the sexual and the D&S as well. But a man must have patience and must afford her the room to grow.
Most men have years and decades head start on women when it comes to this lifestyle. Men spend years fantasizing and exploring their submissive and sexual desires. Then the man finally musters the courage to introduce this lifestyle to a woman and he expects her to immediately be the fulfillment of his fantasies. That is unrealistic. It took the male years to develop his submissive nature so he needs to afford the female time to explore and develop her dominant nature.
Even with Pro Doms, some women have only been practicing D&S for a few years and thus might not be as developed in their dominance as one might think. Just because she looks awesome in her leather outfit, that does not mean that she has the knowledge or the experience in this lifestyle to take a hardwired submissive to subspace. And just because she lacks the experience and knowledge, that does not mean she is a phony. She may still be developing in her dominance.
Once a woman begins to come into her dominance, then you had better watch out. My site is full of stories of women who were once novices and nervous beginners in this lifestyle who basically got involved at their husbands request. But after their dominant nature begins to become unleashed from the servitude and submission of their husbands, they often begin to desire to take their husbands deeper into submission than he wants to go. This happens more often than you think and then I get the letters from men who are perplexed at how dominant their wives have become. So be careful for what you wish for because one day you might get it and then some.
I am no different than most women as I went into this lifestyle unsure and uneasy. I guess what caused me to embrace it with such enthusiasm and vigor is due to how I felt much like a caged animal who had been freed. I was always outgoing, aggressive and fun-loving but I was often told that such characteristics were not proper for a woman. I grew up as a self-made tomboy and I was always competitive with males. I was frustrated with the patriarchal society that told me that my gender was inferior when I knew the opposite was true. I did my best to conform to societal and religious standards only to find them to be frustrating. Did I see myself as dominant? No, I didn't even feel comfortable being called a feminist.
So I guess I had all of this going on inside of me (certain thoughts and opinions that were mostly unspoken) so when I discovered the world of D&S while doing research for a class on human sexuality, I was attracted to the female domination lifestyle. I was very much like a caged animal that had been freed. Talking to other women over these many years, most of them had a similar experience at least as far as believing that women were the superior gender but were afraid to express their opinions for fear of being a societal outcast.
My dominant nature has evolved and grown over the years. I am not the woman today I was twenty some years ago when I got started. My nature has been seduced and drawn out by submissive men as I have fed off of other men's submissive natures, especially that of my husband. I did not start out as I am today. Even when I eagerly embraced D&S and FemDom, I had to work through many internal struggles and overcome the patriarchal programming that was instilled into me as a little girl.
Religion was a particular difficult hurdle to get over as I did not want to engage in any sort of lifestyle that I deemed to be unpleasing to my Maker. So I did research and much soul searching and the more I learned, the more my inner thoughts were validated. Thus, the more liberated I became and ultimately the more dominant I became. But it was a process and it is a process. All women need to be given the room to grow into their dominance and you must always keep in mind that not all women will dominate the man in the same manner as I do. Female Domination is a wide umbrella with many lifestyles contained therein. The submissive male seduces the dominant nature of the female through genuine servitude but he must allow her to grow and he must be willing to submit to that which excites her. For if he submits to what she wants today, she may eventually embrace what he desires tomorrow.
Q. I have a question and/or comment. It seems that most of your questions and stories are about women domination men who want women to dominate them. To me this is like someone asking you to try and steal something from their store to test their security system. If you get away with it are you a thief? I would say no. When men get women to dominate them aren't the men really in charge getting the women to do as they wish?
I think you should have another section on your wonderful website devoted to women who dominate men who do not want to be dominated. My husband is quite a bit older than me. We have been married for 5 years. However my situation seems so much different from the women whose husbands are begging for it as opposed to mine who fights me every inch of the way. It has been an 8 year battle (time since we met) for me to dominate him and the battle is not over but I am getting there. To get him to the point he is at has required much work like the spanking of his balls and ass with wooden spoons, souls of shoes, riding crops, and many other devices. He submits but all of this has been my idea and not his. I would appreciate your comments.
A. I advocate Female Domination as a mutually agreed upon lifestyle between loving couples for the mutual fulfillment of both the female and male. In order for a D&S relationship to work, it needs to be about negotiation and fulfillment. The purpose of my psychoanalysis procedure is so the female can learn of her man's fetishes and FemDom desires so she can take that knowledge and use it to her advantage. That way it becomes a win/win situation. The man gets his submissive nature fulfilled and the woman gets an obedient and worshipful man who exists to serve her and meet her needs.
The man is only in charge of the bedroom if the focus is entirely on his wants and desires. That is not what true FemDom is about. The woman will use what she knows stirs a man's submission to motivate him to sexually pleasure her. In addition, by dominating her man in the bedroom she can motivate him to serve her outside the bedroom. A wise woman will lead her man to the water of her fulfillment by dominating him in a manner that touches his sexuality and submissive nature, and then she can get him to drink that water of her fulfillment by channeling the male's sexual and submissive energy into the desired direction of her choosing.
Do some men manipulate women? Absolutely but as a woman grows in this lifestyle, she will begin to discover her own desires and wants and she will have that revelation of the power she possesses over her man. She may very well dominate her man in the beginning to fulfill his desires but once she tastes the fruits of her newly unleashed power and dominance, the focus will quickly change over to her needs and her desires. That is the power exchange and the D&S dance of the FemDom relationship. Done correctly, it is a win/win situation.
So you would be wise to discover that which your husband desires within a FemDom relationship and then use his fetishes and submissive desires to your advantage. If he does not respond to having his balls slapped with your wooden spoon, you are actually hindering his submissive nature, thus the process of his obedience to your authority is being delayed. You would be better off discovering that which excites him and that which causes him to have submissive feelings toward you, and then utilizing that to your advantage. Right now, you are basically punishing him for disobedient behavior. That can be a productive technique but it must not be your entire focus or else his obedience will never be that willful and loving obedience that you deserve. Take care.