Breaking The Male Ego: Questions About Humiliation Play

Q. I enjoy the Female Supremacy lifestyle and I love to dominate my husband, especially verbal humiliation. However, I really love him and I don't want to weaken his self-esteem. I want him to be confident on his job and in his life in general. What do you think about this?

A. I love my husband as well and I would never want to hurt his self-esteem either, and I am a master (or should I say Mistress) at verbal humiliation. I can reduce a man down to nothing in a matter of minutes. You are confusing self worth with the male ego. When I humiliate my husband about being a stupid male or about the inadequacy of his penis, I am attacking his male ego. I am wounding his male pride, which is a must in the process of allowing his submissive nature to come forth.

This is much different than attacking his self worth. I never humiliate him about his physical looks or his performance on a task that I have assigned (as long as he gives it his all). I always humiliate him about being of the male gender and thus inferior to me. My goal is to shatter his male ego, and the best way I've found to do this, is to attack his manhood (especially the ultimate symbol of his manhood, the penis).

A man doesn't get his real self worth from the size of his penis. He gets it in being productive and in being loved. I am always challenging and encouraging my husband to excel in his career and in the tasks that I assign him. I drive him to be the best that he can be. I will not settle for anything less. That in turn gives him his self worth. He knows that I love him and just the fact that a beautiful, superior female chooses to spend her valuable time with him, gives him self worth as well.

Q. Elise, I really enjoy your procedures and this lifestyle. I have always been very conservative and even prudish. However, through this lifestyle I have been able to express another side of myself that I have previously kept bound up. I do feel very liberated and free. The only thing that I still have problems with is when your exercises have called for the dominant woman to use foul and vulgar language. I just can't seem to get myself to do this. How important is language during a session?

A. I am so glad that you feel free and liberated. If you can't let your hair down around your husband, than whom can you be free around? As far as the language goes, you just need to overcome your inhibitions. I like to talk erotic and sexy around my husband when playing with him. Words like penis, vagina, and intercourse sound too clinical. I am not teaching a biology class, for heaven's sake. I am having intense sex. I use words like cock, pussy, and fucking because these words are erotic, sexy, and fun.

Now please don't get me wrong. I never use foul or vulgar language in my everyday life. I am a superior female and I am a lady. I don't appreciate people using obscene language around me, and I certainly don't use it around them. There is a time and a place for everything. I don't even tell off color jokes when I am around other people.

I don't use obscene language around my husband during our everyday living, but when we "play", I feel free to talk very "dirty". This turns us both on. So don't feel guilty about using erotic and "dirty" language during your playtime. It will really spice things up. Of course, if you just can't bring yourself to do it, than don't worry about it. As long as you feel free, uninhibited, and liberated, that is what matters the most.

Q. I love your website.  I was directed to it by some friends of mine, a husband and wife.  It has been very helpful, I am trying to be the best Dom I can.  You really know your stuff...sometimes I feel like an explorer in a dark cave without a flashlight.

Our relationship has been a complicated one, I won't bore you with the details.  For the first time since we broke up there seems to be clarity.  He wants to be dominated, and I want to explore my dominant characteristics.  Too bad we didn't figure this out while we were dating. I am for the most part new to being a Dom, but I am taking to it naturally.  Bondage has always been an area of interest for me, I don't  remember when I first realized this...but it was when I was young, I know I was still a virgin when I discovered my curiosity. 

I began performing as a dominatrix on stage for interactive bondage shows.  This is very different than being behind closed doors, a show is just that a show. 

I find myself struggling with certain aspects of this new relationship.  I suck at humiliation, I think I am just to nice a person...I always feel bad about the things that I am saying.  Insulting the size of his penis.  Telling him he's nothing but a small insignificant man.  Any ideas on how to overcome this?  Also, he is into things that I am not familiar with...what is Queening? Thank you very much for your time.

A. Queening is where the dominant female sits her ass on the face of a submissive male and has him orally service her ass. This is a very erotic and pleasurable experience for the woman, and a very humiliating and submissive act for the male.

Most submissive men are extremely turned on by the female ass, its shape, appearance and softness. To a submissive man, the female ass also represents power to him. Not only does the submissive man crave to kiss and orally worship the feminine bottom but he also desires to be crushed by it. He desires to be held captive and helpless through the act of face sitting so that he is conquered and at the mercy of his Queen (thus the term Queening).

Just make sure that you afford him the proper amount of air that he needs to breathe when Queeing a man. Few Female Domination activities will transport a man into the deep and submissive state known as subspace as fast as Queening.

As far as verbal humiliation goes, just be yourself and experiment with it. Perhaps you will be better at humiliating him by teasing him, rather than being a Bitch. Some women tease their men about having a small penis in a playful and sexy way. Other women do it in a loud, bitchy way. Find what works best for you and just relax and have fun with it.

Some of the best Dominant women I have know never raise their voices. They dominate men with their sexuality and their dominant aura. They talk in seductive whispers and dominate with their seductive stares and their dominant body language. Domination does not always have to be brazen and forceful. It can also be mysterious and sensual. Either approach can touch a man's submissive nature. Experiment and find out what works best on your man and what you are most comfortable doing. And above all, have fun.

Q. Ms. Sutton, my girlfriend and her friends went to a bachelorette party and brought home the pictures. Her friends showed me pictures of the strippers and several pictures of my girlfriend holding the guy's package and smiling. These guys were huge and I was literally shaking with humiliation, since I could never measure up to these guys. Something happened within me. I got exited by my feeling of inadequacy. Her friends were really pushing my buttons telling about how much fun my girlfriend had grabbing and touching these men. It was humiliating looking at all of  the pictures.

After that night my girlfriend became more assertive and demanding in bed. She also began looking at guys and commenting on their bodies. I promised her I would never to go to a female strip club if she promised never to attend on of those male shows. She told me she had "the best time of her life" and would be going back again any time she wanted.  But I was still forbidden from attending a strip club. Her new attitude excites me to no end. I have even begun to desire to be a cuckold to my girlfriend. Any advice?

A. It is obvious that her sexually free attitude has touched your submissive nature and you have discovered that you enjoy humiliation play. You are not alone, lots of submissive men enjoy being humiliated and told that they do not measure up. It is a common submissive desire. Humiliation play is the domination of your mind. She wants to make you feel inferior sexually because that gives her a power advantage over you. She obviously sensed this within you or why else would she have had her friends show you those pictures? She wanted to humiliate you because she believed that you would become more submissive toward her. Based on your response, I'd say she hit a Homerun.

She enjoys teasing you about the male strippers because she can tell this makes you excited. I am sure you become erect when she humiliates you so it is easy for her to gage your reaction. No matter what you say with your mouth (like asking her not to go back to this club), your penis is telling her a different tale.

The bottom line is that she still chooses to be with you. Since you are not married to her, she could dump you for a man who was better endowed. But most women are not that superficial. She likes you and wants to be with you. She just likes to tease and humiliate you because she enjoys having the upper hand in your relationship. It probably excites her as much as it excites you. When she was groping those other men, she was probably more excited about how she was going to tease you then she was about the actual men. That is the same motivation that wives have when they cuckold their husbands. They are more excited about teasing their husbands then they are about having sex with another man.

Cuckolding may be in your future since you both enjoy this sort of humiliation play. But take it slow. You are not even married. You would be much better off building a life with your creative and dominant girlfriend first. Engage in other forms of humiliation play and keep the cuckolding as just a fantasy for now. She may enjoy teasing you about cuckolding being in your future but that does not mean that she will necessarily go through with it. Like I said, she has chosen to be with you so it is obvious that you are the man she loves, regardless of the size of your package. Make sure you treat her with the respect and love she deserves. Build a life with her and keep the cuckolding as a fantasy.

Q. I find myself wanting to experience activities like voluntary or forced foot/heel/body worship
to being physically disciplined (spanked, whipped, slapped, trampled) to being used as a toilet.  The underpinning theme seems to be suffering what I'd term divine humiliation at the hands of a lovely woman. However, the Catch 22 is that I want very much for the woman to whom I give this power over me (or who takes it from me) to be someone with whom I share a respectful, monogamous, loving relationship. 

With the last lady I dated, I began to reveal some of my submissive nature.  I revealed to her that I had submissive tendencies and wanted to surrender control during intimacy (vs. taking control). Although she did not seem turned off by any of this, she expressed the view that most women (including herself) do not like to take control, but rather prefer for the man to take control. 

Her statement, in concert with other things I have read and heard, disheartened me.  In short, it has left me believing that it may not be possible to find a significant other who would enjoy engaging in monogamous BDSM/power exchange scenarios yet be able to truly love and respect the very man whom she tramples, beats and otherwise humiliates at times.

Is it an unrealistic goal for a man to find a life partner with whom he can explore/live out his submissive nature (act out BDSM/ power-exchange scenarios), yet have it be within a monogamous relationship based on mutual love and respect?

A. Not only is it a realistic goal, I would venture to say that the majority of FemDom relationships are based on mutual love and respect. In fact, it takes more trust and respect between partners within a D&S relationship than in a vanilla relationship because people within a D&S relationship are opening up their inner desires, baring their souls and making themselves vulnerable to another. Such a relationship must be based on trust and respect.

I would argue that only a woman who loved a man would be willing to explore his submissive nature to the degree that you desire. Only a woman who respected a man and who desires to truly understand a man would be open to engage in activities or practices that go against what society deems to be normal. Marriage and a monogamous relationship are supposed to be about sharing intimacy with someone on the deepest level possible. How sad that so many married partners hide their true dreams and desires from their so-called life partner? How can real intimacy ever occur unless both partners are honest and open with each other?

I applaud you for having the courage to tell your girlfriend about your desires. Where I would caution you is in your approach. Society is changing but it is not to the place where past societal stereotypes are rendered impotent. Most women must still overcome societal and religious programming that promotes a patriarchal view of the female/male relationship. It is obvious that your girlfriend still holds to the thought process that women want men to take control. I would respectfully beg to differ with her. While some women still hold to past stereotypes, many women living today are no longer deceived by that false programming. This is especially true with more mature women. The younger female is more prone to be affected by past stereotypes based on her upbringing. However, as women mature and become experienced in female/male relationships, they grow wise and soon discover that if they want to be happy and successful in life, they need to take control. The good news is that more and more younger women are being raised with a new societal outlook and thus have the attitude that they do not need to surrender control to a man. So society is changing and you will find in the future, less women who desire for the man to take charge.

In the meantime, it is important for the submissive male to use wisdom in his approach to revealing his desires to his female partner. Even if she seems to be open-minded, you would be smart to slowly introduce her to this lifestyle by seducing her dominant nature with your genuine servitude. I would recommend that you read my article "How To Introduce Your Wife or Girlfriend to the FemDom Lifestyle". Show her the benefits of this lifestyle first, then once she begins to respond favorably to your servitude, then you can open yourself up by confessing to her your deepest desires.

When you do this, be prepared that she may not embrace all of your wants as they relate to D&S. But isn't true submission and true slavery about doing what the female wants? You need to allow her time to learn and grow in this lifestyle. What she says No to today, she very well may say Yes to tomorrow as her dominant nature blossoms and her perspective is changed. So there is no need to be disheartened. Have faith and hope that you will meet that woman who will respect you enough to explore your true nature with you within the safe confines of a loving and monogamous relationship.

Q. Dear Ms. Sutton, first of all, I would like to compliment you on what you are achieving. Given the way that feminism spends so much of its time on a misguided pursuit of equality between the sexes, I believe that you  represent the most progressive movement in raising the status of women.

The emphasis on the total and complete humiliation of the male is, I believe, a beautiful thing and it is a measure of your skill and insight that you have persuaded so many men to recognize that this is what they truly desire and what is in their interest. The total destruction of male pride and ego and the complete dependence on the female is a prerequisite to a better world.
In the many activities you prescribe for humiliating men there is one area that I believe I have never seen and which I admit interests me and that is tickling. There are at least three reasons why I find this a desirable and useful activity  for subjugating men.

First of all, it requires no physical pain or injury. Aside from humanitarian reason, I also believe this puts more of an emphasis on psychological humiliation, which I believe is more effective.

Secondly, it reduces the male to an infantile state, strips him of all his dignity and returns him to a childhood situation (which is the true state of maleness) in which a female can retain strict control to reducing him to a laughing child.

Thirdly, the complicity which tickling draws from the male in his own humiliation in effects his acquiescence of his humiliation.

I recall a scene I witnessed in which a man was being mercilessly tickled. A trio of women were watching him and were mirthfully laughing at his expense as he desperately pleaded with the female tickler to desist her activities. It was wonderful to watch this woman totally ignore his entreaties and then with an impish smile resume the tickling still more vigorously than before. Gradually, the man's pleadings were dissipated by lapses into laughter and eventually he stopped saying anything as he was swept away by convulsions of laughter. It was as if he had abandoned every vestige of self-respect and had joined the women in laughing at his own folly. The female tickler pursued her tickling even more ardently and as the man's laughs climaxed into howls she noted how the chauvinistic macho man now could be controlled just by a woman's fingertips.
Men are not evil but the male ego is and so I believe the effort to humiliate men is part of the struggle of good and evil. Thus, total humiliation of the male represents the triumph of good over bad. The male is, in effect, exorcised in the humiliation of the destructive powers of his ego. Thus, I believe, male humiliation is not only beautiful but something sacred.

Whenever I see a man capitulating to humiliation, I feel a little safer and think we are a step closer to a kinder, gentler world. I am grateful for any comments you have on my views and I wish all
the blessings possible upon you for the good you are doing.

A. Your observations about the purpose of humiliation play are astute. The following is from my book "Female Domination" as I quote from Ms Roxanne (who is a professional phone counselor, a lifestyle Dominatrix, and a dominant Wife):

"The degree of verbal humiliation sought by each male varies, but one thing the majority seems to have in common is the need to feel loved or cared for  even as they are debased and degraded by the superior Woman. This seems like a contradiction, but it isn't. Like a Boot Camp drill instructor, I understand that verbal humiliation is a necessary training technique, employed both for the benefit of the recipient, and the greater good. In my case, the goal is a more rational, less violent society  one governed, of course, by the Feminine. 

Before genuine character reformation of the male is possible, old attitudes and internal defenses must be stripped away. This is the high purpose of verbal humiliation. Yes, the male is seeking his immediate sexual gratification (what else?), but the process can also help men accept their true self and fundamental need to serve Women. Verbal humiliation overrides their machismo, and, eventually (if training is successful), strips away those last vestiges of "traditional" masculinity to which they cling. Once the subject is torn down, the essential re-building can begin in earnest, and both the man and Woman are happier."

Roxanne was specifically addressing the subject of verbal humiliation but her observations are true about all forms of humiliation play and it is obvious that you agree with her philosophy of the importance of stripping a male of ego and pride through the practice of humiliation play.

Tickling could be a form of humiliation play but it is ultimately about the immediate loss of control. The tickling fetish is most often rooted in a childhood experience. Most tickling enthusiasts date their interest from early on. Perhaps an older sister or a female friend or even a female authority figure was playing with you when you were a young boy and they held you down and tickled you until you cried "Auntie" or "Give". Tickling begins as play but moves over into helplessness and surrender. Thus tickling can be a form of bondage, or age play or humiliation play or all of the above.

Tickling can take on different forms. You seem to enjoy the mental image of a woman having a man under power with the touch of her fingers. Tickling can also be done through props like a feather, a cotton Q-tip, or some other piece of soft material. Some women like to incorporate tickling into a corporal punishment session as the Dom can play mind games with her bound submissive as she lightly caresses her male victim's flesh with the leather straps of her flogger or the leather tip of her riding crop, tickling his flesh before she strikes him with her next disciplinary blow. There are paddles that have leather on one side and soft fleece on the reverse side, which makes for a wonderful implement to combine sensual tickling with hardcore punishment. The submissive male does not know what is coming next, the sensual or the pain.

Ultimately, tickling is about the loss of control. You no doubt enjoy that feeling of helplessness and loss of control to a female and your tickling fetish incorporates these submissive desires. It sounds like you have a firm understanding on your tickling fetish and you understand very well why you like it and how it relates to your overriding desire to be dominated by women. You have had a revelation of what it is about tickling that appeals to your submissive nature and you have done a terrific job in conveying that revelation to me. I am sure that others who share your fetish for tickling will be enlightened by your observations. Thank you and take care.

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